Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Fundraiser

Vol. 8 · Issue 22Scranton, PA

You'll find every line of dialogue from the "Fundraiser" episode right here. It covers everything from Andy’s twelve-dog meltdown to Dwight accidentally "winning" $34,000 worth of silent auction prizes. Whether you're looking for Nellie’s confusion over how to eat a taco or Ryan’s fake mourning for Smokey Robinson, the complete script has you covered.

Scene 01

34 lines
Ryan Howard
(pacing back and forth.) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pam Beesly
Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter?
Ryan Howard
Smokey's dead.
Pam Beesly
Smokey, the bear?
Ryan Howard
Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know.
Jim Halpert
Wow That's terrible, I really liked him.
Ryan Howard
Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now.
Jim Halpert
Well, I second that emotion.
Ryan Howard
Huh?
Nellie Bertram
I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones?
Ryan Howard
Oh God, Nellie! What wasn't his? I mean, um, "Tracks of my Tears"?
Nellie Bertram
Yeah
Ryan Howard
Um... God, so many, Nellie!
Pam Beesly
No, no, no, "Tracks of My Tears" and what else? What are some more? What's one more?
Ryan Howard
Okay, I'm not... I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today.
Pam Beesly
I don't think you love Smokey Robinson. I think you're just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music
Ryan Howard
Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.
Dwight Schrute
You don't like the Beatles?
Ryan Howard
That's... That's not the point!
Dwight Schrute
Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?
Ryan Howard
Okay, you know, you always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?
Oscar Martinez
It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. It's on CNN as of two minutes ago.
Ryan Howard
Okay well, that's a relief!
Jim Halpert
Wow! Look at that! It says he's actually playing State College. That's only three hours away!
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, Ryan! That's perfect! You have to go!
Jim Halpert
Tickets are 250 bucks.
Pam Beesly
250 dollars is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan.
Ryan Howard
Yeah... Who's opening?
Jim Halpert
Paul Anka.
Ryan Howard
Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I don't think I can see this.
Jim Halpert
Okay, you could just show up late though.
Ryan Howard
How much is parking, like 30 bucks? That's not what Smokey would have wanted. Does want.
Pam Beesly
Tears of a clown!
Ryan Howard
Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that!

Scene 02

3 lines
Darryl Philbin
Looking good, RC!
Robert California
Ugh, I hate ties! I feel like I'm being strangled like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The red room say? Or Dominick's?
Angela Martin
Robert! The senator was going to wear dark brown tonight... I'm sure it will be fine.

Scene 03

1 line
Angela Martin
My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district!

Scene 04

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we are all about to be killed
Jim Halpert
Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people...
Oscar Martinez
What's going on?
Dwight Schrute
There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.
Erin Hannon
Oh that's Andy. He's just hanging out
Dwight Schrute
That's how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male "hanging out". Call the cops!
Pam Beesly
Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody.
Phyllis Vance
How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there?
Dwight Schrute
I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. (Grabs bag.) And I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case.
Nellie Bertram
I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered.

Scene 05

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey!
Erin Hannon
Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see.
Angela Martin
We think you might kill Robert.
Andy Bernard
What?
Kevin Malone
because he fired you which means apparently you're living in your car now.
Andy Bernard
guys, everything is fine! I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the Fundraiser.
Pam Beesly
Oh, great! That sounds good!
Kevin Malone
Wait, what? You're going to the fundraiser tonight? That's going to be weird.
Andy Bernard
Why would that be weird?
Kevin Malone
It's going to be super weird, he just fired you last week.
Erin Hannon
Andy's just coming as my date.
Kevin Malone
Hey, I hear you! I hope you're right. It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird.

Scene 06

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
(hears knocks on door.) Come in!
Darryl Philbin
You really re-did Andy's office, huh?
Nellie Bertram
Yes, cut out the clutter. Very simple, very minimal.
Darryl Philbin
I need you to sign these, we got a shipment going out.
Nellie Bertram
How are things in the warehouse?
Darryl Philbin
You could go downstairs and ask them?
Nellie Bertram
The warehouse isn't downstairs? (laughs.) Is it? Is it?
Darryl Philbin
Who knew, right?
Nellie Bertram
(speechless.) I...

Scene 07

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me.

Scene 08

5 lines
Angela Martin
Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by and say hello.
Andy Bernard
Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past, with a side order of sexy?
Kevin Malone
Oh man, this is weird!
Robert California
Andrew. (Robert extends his hand.)
Andy Bernard
Oh, Wanna shake my hand, huh? Cause I want to shake your body! (hugs Robert and laughs.) I had you, I had you!

Scene 09

1 line
Andy Bernard
(points back and forth at the multiple cameras) Where do I look? It's been so long since I did one of these things? Okay, alright! What's the question? How am I doing? Umm... Great!

Scene 10

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jiu-Jitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy!
Creed Bratton
Well, I don't want to get raped (picks up clipboard) Twenty-Two!
Kevin Malone
No! It was my idea to not be raped!
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight enters) Wait, you think Jiu-Jitsu classes cost $22 (grabs clipboard.) If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180!
Kevin Malone
Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand.
Dwight Schrute
You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God!

Scene 11

1 line
Kevin Malone
So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one!

Scene 12

5 lines
Andy Bernard
What haven't I been doing? Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing, though it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's exciting! But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us.
Andy Bernard
The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.
Pam Beesly
Sounds like you're doing alright.
Andy Bernard
Ehh, a little better than alright, actually. Really good!

Scene 13

1 line
Ryan Howard
Oh, this guy is having a breakdown.

Scene 14

3 lines
The Senator
You know, Oscar, I really had no idea you were so passionate about animals.
Oscar Martinez
my dog Gerald is my life.
The Senator
really? Well, if you want to get involved, call me. This is my cell. I'm more likely to pick up night, say after 9... Excuse me. (Walks away.)

Scene 15

1 line
Oscar Martinez
This confirms three things: I'm right about the senator, I still got it, and poor Angela.

Scene 16

19 lines
Robert California
(telling story to Nellie.) I stepped in right away and start--
Andy Bernard
Bobby! Bobbo! You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas?
Robert California
Well...
Andy Bernard
You gotta check out this thing I'm working on, it's really cool. There's this character Thomas Oregon, and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control.
Robert California
So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure?
Andy Bernard
Evil! (chuckles.) although he's humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants.
Robert California
and the hero, who's that based on?
Andy Bernard
Me, I guess. (sings.) We're flying so high, we're crackin' the sky! Gonna fly out of this dome my girlfriend and I!
Meredith Palmer
Hey jabroni. Show some class.
Stanley Hudson
She's right, Andy. you're being a jabroni
Andy Bernard
You're being a Thomas Oregon!
Robert California
Andrew, I think this may have been a bad idea. Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight?
Andy Bernard
Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you. Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?
Robert California
Andy you should leave. Now.
Andy Bernard
(to Waiter.) Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please.
Waiter
I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units.
Andy Bernard
then I'll take a table!
Waiter
Okay
Andy Bernard
And a high five! (Raises hand, misses high five with waiter.) Oh, let's do this again!

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
(waiter is cracking pepper into Andys salad) Oh, yes indeed... When! (Waiter begins walking away.) Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot a few salads! (waiter peppers another salad.) When!

Scene 18

14 lines
Oscar Martinez
I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me!
Pam Beesly
Oh my god!
Oscar Martinez
I know!
Jim Halpert
Wait, what? Come on!
Oscar Martinez
We were talking about animals, he gives me his cell phone number. He was just dying for me to have it.
Jim Halpert
Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy, because you are, but isn't it possible that he was just schmoosing a voter?
Oscar Martinez
Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me, he wanted to run more than just my vote.
Jim Halpert
Okay, what was this look? (Oscar does the look.)
Pam Beesly
Whoa!
Jim Halpert
What happened, did he do it?
Pam Beesly
Are you-- Twice! For real?
Jim Halpert
Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey.
Pam Beesly
Life is Downton Abbey.
Jim Halpert
Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(on phone.) How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
It's $475! Like candy from a baby!

Scene 21

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey... David Wallace!
David Wallace
Andy Bernard!
Andy Bernard
Hey, how are you?
David Wallace
How you doing, I'm great! How you doing, are you still with Dunder Mifflin?
Andy Bernard
No, got canned last week.
David Wallace
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Andy Bernard
No, best thing that ever happened to me.
David Wallace
That's the attitude to have. You know what, when I got canned, I was lost, right? I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck-It.
Andy Bernard
Yikes!
David Wallace
Yeah, exactly right? Then suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for twenty million dollars! The point is, forget those guys, k? Move on! Good to see you, Andy!

Scene 22

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
Call me a lame man, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers... Or Oreos... Or a pizza pie or, what's another food that we like?
Darryl Philbin
Tacos.
Nellie Bertram
What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos right now!
Darryl Philbin
I can go get us some tacos.
Nellie Bertram
Brilliant!
Darryl Philbin
If you loan me some money.
Nellie Bertram
Yes, I can do that. For, um, for two tacos, we'd probably need about what 20... $20? Or $25? $20?
Darryl Philbin
$30.
Nellie Bertram
$30, yes!

Scene 23

1 line
Nellie Bertram
I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please god don't let them have eyes!

Scene 24

9 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Jim shakes Senators hand, returns to table.) So?
Jim Halpert
Boom! (hands Oscar a business card.)
Oscar Martinez
This is interesting.
Pam Beesly
Hm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Pam Beesly
Or you proved that he thinks you're gay.
Oscar Martinez
He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.
Pam Beesly
Well, a gay man would not leave the store wearing those shoes!
Jim Halpert
Oh, hey! you bought me those shoes!

Scene 25

14 lines
Speaker
Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight, we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist and a great guy. Robert California!
Robert California
Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!
Andy Bernard
can you believe this guy?
Robert California
The state senator, Robert Lipton, loves dogs. he asked me if I loved dogs. you know what I said? Yes! (laughter.)
Andy Bernard
Not a joke. That was not even a joke.
Robert California
Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people don't often adopt older dogs, so Bella and eleven heroes like her are being cared for by our generous volunteers because frankly nobody else will
Andy Bernard
I will! I will take all of those dogs!
Robert California
Andy, that's very kind--
Andy Bernard
No, no, no. This guy can talk and talk all he wants, but it's not that complicated.
Robert California
Andy why don't we discuss this at a--
Andy Bernard
No, no, no, it's about being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around. Hello everyone, I am Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home! That is a female dog reference. (Points at himself) This bitch understands loyalty! Sassy human reference (grabs dog) thank you, I will take Bella and every single one of her friends!
Erin Hannon
Oh God!
The Senator
Mr. Bernard, right this way.
Andy Bernard
Okay! Hope you all learned something!

Scene 26

4 lines
Vet
Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So, other end is best. Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because daisy will start to, uh... I was going to say bark, but it's more of a scream.
Andy Bernard
I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already.
Vet
Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Andy Bernard
Stupid dog.

Scene 27

2 lines
The Senator
Well, if you would like to talk about this some more, my office is always open! So here's my office number, and my cell number.
Meredith Palmer
Thank you!

Scene 28

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Well, looks like he really did just want to talk about the issues. i'm Sorry Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here.

Scene 29

1 line
Oscar Martinez
No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angelas husband was not hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.

Scene 30

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
Tacos were on sale, eight for $3!
Nellie Bertram
Oh, great! Okay, oh... Oh, these tacos!
Darryl Philbin
Hmhmm.
Nellie Bertram
Mmm! Uhh (Eats Taco incorrectly.) Mmmm... Oh! Hmmph!

Scene 31

1 line
Darryl Philbin
She's trying.

Scene 32

11 lines
Speaker
The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute!
Dwight Schrute
(applause) Yes! Thank you!
Speaker
The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute!
Dwight Schrute
(applause) Oh yes! Yeah!
Speaker
A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute!
Dwight Schrute
(applause) Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha!
Speaker
Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here!
Dwight Schrute
Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it!
Speaker
Well, Dwight, yes! You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars! (applause)
Jim Halpert
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! (throws microphone and runs away)

Scene 33

5 lines
The Senator
Oscar!
Oscar Martinez
Nice to see you again, it was lovely!
The Senator
It was lovely! And don't forget to call.
Oscar Martinez
okay
The Senator
thanks so much for coming

Scene 34

1 line
Oscar Martinez
why does this always happen to me? Ahh! I just feel so bad for Angela

Scene 35

25 lines
Andy Bernard
(applying diaper to dog.) so it just goes on under here like this?
Vet
that's right!
Andy Bernard
Ugh, oh god!
Vet
Yeah, you never get used to that.
Jim Halpert
Hey, just wanted to check in. See how you are doing.
Andy Bernard
I am so great!
Erin Hannon
He's great. we're all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now, I'm a dog nurse.
Jim Halpert
Look at that one though, he's smiling!
Vet
Yeah, he should be! It's his first day without a muzzle.
Andy Bernard
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
Pam Beesly
Absolutely, it's awesome--
Jim Halpert
Yes--
Kevin Malone
I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best.
Andy Bernard
You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe--
Vet
Maybe you would think it too! (silence.) I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations.
Jim Halpert
Okay well, Andy, listen. It's okay if you don't feel totally settled. This is all very fresh.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I mean, admitting you need help is the first step!
Andy Bernard
Yes! And also, focusing on the positive. Like I got a lot of good things going on!
Jim Halpert
Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I do. I have that.
Jim Halpert
Yeah
Erin Hannon
You're going to be alright
Kevin Malone
No. No he's not.
Andy Bernard
Yes, I am! Thank you, Kev!
Kevin Malone
You're welcome!

Scene 36

1 line
Kevin Malone
Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. and by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

Scene 37

9 lines
Erin Hannon
So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. It's been great!
Darryl Philbin
Pepper's been getting me out of the house, going on runs.
Kevin Malone
My dog Ruby doesn't do anything, she just lays there all day! She's so chill.
Pam Beesly
What do you feed her?
Kevin Malone
Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty!
Darryl Philbin
Is she sick? How are her poops?
Kevin Malone
Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up! She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.
Pam Beesly
Does she smell?
Kevin Malone
She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown.

Scene 38

1 line
Kevin Malone
People seem awful interested in you Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! (dog licks Kevins face.) Yeah, that a girl, that a girl! Man that stinks!