Every line from The Office episode "Fundraiser", season 8 episode 22.
Ryan Howard: (pacing back and forth.) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pam Beesly: Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter?
Ryan Howard: Smokey's dead.
Pam Beesly: Smokey, the bear?
Ryan Howard: Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know.
Jim Halpert: Wow That's terrible, I really liked him.
Ryan Howard: Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now.
Jim Halpert: Well, I second that emotion.
Nellie Bertram: I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones?
Ryan Howard: Oh God, Nellie! What wasn't his? I mean, um, "Tracks of my Tears"?
Ryan Howard: Um... God, so many, Nellie!
Pam Beesly: No, no, no, "Tracks of My Tears" and what else? What are some more? What's one more?
Ryan Howard: Okay, I'm not... I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today.
Pam Beesly: I don't think you love Smokey Robinson. I think you're just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music
Ryan Howard: Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.
Dwight Schrute: You don't like the Beatles?
Ryan Howard: That's... That's not the point!
Dwight Schrute: Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?
Ryan Howard: Okay, you know, you always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?
Oscar Martinez: It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. It's on CNN as of two minutes ago.
Ryan Howard: Okay well, that's a relief!
Jim Halpert: Wow! Look at that! It says he's actually playing State College. That's only three hours away!
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, Ryan! That's perfect! You have to go!
Jim Halpert: Tickets are 250 bucks.
Pam Beesly: 250 dollars is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan.
Ryan Howard: Yeah... Who's opening?
Ryan Howard: Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I don't think I can see this.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you could just show up late though.
Ryan Howard: How much is parking, like 30 bucks? That's not what Smokey would have wanted. Does want.
Pam Beesly: Tears of a clown!
Ryan Howard: Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that!
Dwight Schrute: I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we are all about to be killed
Jim Halpert: Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people...
Oscar Martinez: What's going on?
Dwight Schrute: There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.
Erin Hannon: Oh that's Andy. He's just hanging out
Dwight Schrute: That's how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male "hanging out". Call the cops!
Pam Beesly: Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody.
Phyllis Vance: How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there?
Dwight Schrute: I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. (Grabs bag.) And I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case.
Nellie Bertram: I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered.
Erin Hannon: Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see.
Angela Martin: We think you might kill Robert.
Kevin Malone: because he fired you which means apparently you're living in your car now.
Andy Bernard: guys, everything is fine! I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the Fundraiser.
Pam Beesly: Oh, great! That sounds good!
Kevin Malone: Wait, what? You're going to the fundraiser tonight? That's going to be weird.
Andy Bernard: Why would that be weird?
Kevin Malone: It's going to be super weird, he just fired you last week.
Erin Hannon: Andy's just coming as my date.
Kevin Malone: Hey, I hear you! I hope you're right. It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird.
Nellie Bertram: (hears knocks on door.) Come in!
Darryl Philbin: You really re-did Andy's office, huh?
Nellie Bertram: Yes, cut out the clutter. Very simple, very minimal.
Darryl Philbin: I need you to sign these, we got a shipment going out.
Nellie Bertram: How are things in the warehouse?
Darryl Philbin: You could go downstairs and ask them?
Nellie Bertram: The warehouse isn't downstairs? (laughs.) Is it? Is it?
Darryl Philbin: Who knew, right?
Nellie Bertram: (speechless.) I...
Angela Martin: Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by and say hello.
Andy Bernard: Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past, with a side order of sexy?
Kevin Malone: Oh man, this is weird!
Robert California: Andrew. (Robert extends his hand.)
Andy Bernard: Oh, Wanna shake my hand, huh? Cause I want to shake your body! (hugs Robert and laughs.) I had you, I had you!
Kevin Malone: Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jiu-Jitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy!
Creed Bratton: Well, I don't want to get raped (picks up clipboard) Twenty-Two!
Kevin Malone: No! It was my idea to not be raped!
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight enters) Wait, you think Jiu-Jitsu classes cost $22 (grabs clipboard.) If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180!
Kevin Malone: Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand.
Dwight Schrute: You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God!
Andy Bernard: What haven't I been doing? Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing, though it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's exciting! But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us.
Andy Bernard: The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.
Pam Beesly: Sounds like you're doing alright.
Andy Bernard: Ehh, a little better than alright, actually. Really good!
Robert California: (telling story to Nellie.) I stepped in right away and start--
Andy Bernard: Bobby! Bobbo! You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas?
Robert California: Well...
Andy Bernard: You gotta check out this thing I'm working on, it's really cool. There's this character Thomas Oregon, and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control.
Robert California: So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure?
Andy Bernard: Evil! (chuckles.) although he's humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants.
Robert California: and the hero, who's that based on?
Andy Bernard: Me, I guess. (sings.) We're flying so high, we're crackin' the sky! Gonna fly out of this dome my girlfriend and I!
Meredith Palmer: Hey jabroni. Show some class.
Stanley Hudson: She's right, Andy. you're being a jabroni
Andy Bernard: You're being a Thomas Oregon!
Robert California: Andrew, I think this may have been a bad idea. Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight?
Andy Bernard: Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you. Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?
Robert California: Andy you should leave. Now.
Andy Bernard: (to Waiter.) Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please.
Waiter: I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units.
Andy Bernard: then I'll take a table!
Andy Bernard: And a high five! (Raises hand, misses high five with waiter.) Oh, let's do this again!
Oscar Martinez: I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me!
Jim Halpert: Wait, what? Come on!
Oscar Martinez: We were talking about animals, he gives me his cell phone number. He was just dying for me to have it.
Jim Halpert: Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy, because you are, but isn't it possible that he was just schmoosing a voter?
Oscar Martinez: Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me, he wanted to run more than just my vote.
Jim Halpert: Okay, what was this look? (Oscar does the look.)
Jim Halpert: What happened, did he do it?
Pam Beesly: Are you-- Twice! For real?
Jim Halpert: Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey.
Pam Beesly: Life is Downton Abbey.
Jim Halpert: Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody.
Andy Bernard: Hey... David Wallace!
David Wallace: Andy Bernard!
Andy Bernard: Hey, how are you?
David Wallace: How you doing, I'm great! How you doing, are you still with Dunder Mifflin?
Andy Bernard: No, got canned last week.
David Wallace: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Andy Bernard: No, best thing that ever happened to me.
David Wallace: That's the attitude to have. You know what, when I got canned, I was lost, right? I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck-It.
David Wallace: Yeah, exactly right? Then suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for twenty million dollars! The point is, forget those guys, k? Move on! Good to see you, Andy!
Nellie Bertram: Call me a lame man, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers... Or Oreos... Or a pizza pie or, what's another food that we like?
Nellie Bertram: What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos right now!
Darryl Philbin: I can go get us some tacos.
Nellie Bertram: Brilliant!
Darryl Philbin: If you loan me some money.
Nellie Bertram: Yes, I can do that. For, um, for two tacos, we'd probably need about what 20... $20? Or $25? $20?
Nellie Bertram: $30, yes!
Oscar Martinez: (Jim shakes Senators hand, returns to table.) So?
Jim Halpert: Boom! (hands Oscar a business card.)
Oscar Martinez: This is interesting.
Jim Halpert: what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Pam Beesly: Or you proved that he thinks you're gay.
Oscar Martinez: He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.
Pam Beesly: Well, a gay man would not leave the store wearing those shoes!
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey! you bought me those shoes!
Speaker: Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight, we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist and a great guy. Robert California!
Robert California: Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!
Andy Bernard: can you believe this guy?
Robert California: The state senator, Robert Lipton, loves dogs. he asked me if I loved dogs. you know what I said? Yes! (laughter.)
Andy Bernard: Not a joke. That was not even a joke.
Robert California: Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people don't often adopt older dogs, so Bella and eleven heroes like her are being cared for by our generous volunteers because frankly nobody else will
Andy Bernard: I will! I will take all of those dogs!
Robert California: Andy, that's very kind--
Andy Bernard: No, no, no. This guy can talk and talk all he wants, but it's not that complicated.
Robert California: Andy why don't we discuss this at a--
Andy Bernard: No, no, no, it's about being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around. Hello everyone, I am Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home! That is a female dog reference. (Points at himself) This bitch understands loyalty! Sassy human reference (grabs dog) thank you, I will take Bella and every single one of her friends!
The Senator: Mr. Bernard, right this way.
Andy Bernard: Okay! Hope you all learned something!
Vet: Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So, other end is best. Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because daisy will start to, uh... I was going to say bark, but it's more of a scream.
Andy Bernard: I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already.
Vet: Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Andy Bernard: Stupid dog.
Speaker: The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute!
Dwight Schrute: (applause) Yes! Thank you!
Speaker: The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute!
Dwight Schrute: (applause) Oh yes! Yeah!
Speaker: A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute!
Dwight Schrute: (applause) Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha!
Speaker: Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here!
Dwight Schrute: Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it!
Speaker: Well, Dwight, yes! You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars! (applause)
Jim Halpert: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! (throws microphone and runs away)
Andy Bernard: (applying diaper to dog.) so it just goes on under here like this?
Andy Bernard: Ugh, oh god!
Vet: Yeah, you never get used to that.
Jim Halpert: Hey, just wanted to check in. See how you are doing.
Andy Bernard: I am so great!
Erin Hannon: He's great. we're all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now, I'm a dog nurse.
Jim Halpert: Look at that one though, he's smiling!
Vet: Yeah, he should be! It's his first day without a muzzle.
Andy Bernard: This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
Pam Beesly: Absolutely, it's awesome--
Kevin Malone: I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best.
Andy Bernard: You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe--
Vet: Maybe you would think it too! (silence.) I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations.
Jim Halpert: Okay well, Andy, listen. It's okay if you don't feel totally settled. This is all very fresh.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I mean, admitting you need help is the first step!
Andy Bernard: Yes! And also, focusing on the positive. Like I got a lot of good things going on!
Jim Halpert: Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I do. I have that.
Erin Hannon: You're going to be alright
Kevin Malone: No. No he's not.
Andy Bernard: Yes, I am! Thank you, Kev!
Kevin Malone: You're welcome!
Erin Hannon: So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. It's been great!
Darryl Philbin: Pepper's been getting me out of the house, going on runs.
Kevin Malone: My dog Ruby doesn't do anything, she just lays there all day! She's so chill.
Pam Beesly: What do you feed her?
Kevin Malone: Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty!
Darryl Philbin: Is she sick? How are her poops?
Kevin Malone: Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up! She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.
Pam Beesly: Does she smell?
Kevin Malone: She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 8. Fundraiser is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.