Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Turf War

Vol. 8 · Issue 23Scranton, PA

Robert California went a bit too hard on the "Columbian whites" and accidentally closed the Binghamton branch, sparking a mad dash for new clients. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the introduction of the legendary (and fictional) salesman Lloyd Gross to Robert's iconic "Lizard King" speech. Whether you're looking for Dwight and Jim's race against Syracuse or Nellie’s awkward voicemail drama, the full script has you covered.

Scene 01

2 lines
Gabe Lewis
Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat.
Dwight Schrute
Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don’t you just take estrogen? (swallows powder) (coughs) There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? (kisses bicep) Mwah.

Scene 02

6 lines
Gabe Lewis
I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They’d flex them all night at the discotheque.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I bet you think it’s all about core, huh?
Gabe Lewis
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, please.
Gabe Lewis
Core’s critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One – lengthen. Two – elongate.
Jim Halpert
Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who’s the strongest? Well, there’s only one way to solve that – flat curl contest.

Scene 03

12 lines
Jim Halpert
All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go.
Dwight Schrute
Feast on this, Lewis.
Gabe Lewis
I love the burn. The burn is where I live.
Jim Halpert
Come on, Gabe, you can’t handle his hamstrings. You’re getting hypno-thigh-zed.
Gabe Lewis
Speed set. One. Two.
Jim Halpert
Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, thank you.
Jim Halpert
You’re welcome.
Gabe Lewis
Five. Six.
Jim Halpert
Quick phone call from you guys, keep going,
Everyone
Eight, nine, ten.
Gabe Lewis
We got it?

Scene 04

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Very funny Jim.
Gabe Lewis
Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.
Robert California
Everyone, conference room, now. (Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over)
Jim Halpert
All right, easy there, grandpa.
Dwight Schrute
I don’t need your help.
Jim Halpert
Okay. You don’t need my help?
Dwight Schrute
Here, here… Just…

Scene 05

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Morning.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot… these.
Erin Hannon
Oh.
Andy Bernard
You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Erin Hannon
Andy, if you’re gonna hang out for a while, uh…
Andy Bernard
What’s this?
Erin Hannon
This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in.
Andy Bernard
Is this Robert’s attempt to embarrass me?
Erin Hannon
No, of course not. It’s just – I think it’s like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it’s like, where does it end? So just… (puts visitors tag on Andy)

Scene 06

1 line
Andy Bernard
Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they’re rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it’s a little much? …Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that’s what it feels like.

Scene 07

22 lines
Jim Halpert
All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.
Dwight Schrute
Good, we have a deal?
Jim Halpert
Thanks Janet.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks so much Earl.
Jim Halpert
Wow, simultaneous sale.
Dwight Schrute
And they said it couldn’t be done. Boom!
Jim Halpert
Screw ‘em.
Andy Bernard
Lot going on guys. What’s happening?
Jim Halpert
Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy Bernard
That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It’s like a festival of poo.
Jim Halpert
Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, and we’re not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim Halpert
In the fridge.
Dwight Schrute
No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.
Jim Halpert
Sorry, man, I can’t focus on zingers. There’s too many potential clients.
Stanley Hudson
You two better watch yourselves.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, the Syracuse branch can’t be happy you’re taking New York clients.
Robert California
Shh… shh… (vomits in trash can)
Jim Halpert
Robert?
Oscar Martinez
Why did Binghamton close?
Robert California
Can everyone just, please… I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Columbian whites. What – what is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin Malone
The branch closed. Forever.

Scene 08

1 line
Robert California
Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I’m not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.

Scene 09

13 lines
Nellie Bertram
I got your voicemail. From – from last night.
Robert California
Wonderful.
Nellie Bertram
And the answer… is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. (leaves)
Robert California
Pam, when’s the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn’t hold the memories in?
Pam Beesly
Oh, it was this summer –
Robert California
Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.
Pam Beesly
Um, I am a little busy.
Robert California
Yes, ‘course. Why don’t you list the things that would keep you from helping me.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I can make you a list.
Robert California
Let’s do it now. What’s number one?
Pam Beesly
Why don’t I help you now?
Robert California
There we go.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 10

7 lines
Harry
Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Erin Hannon
Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
Dwight Schrute
And you are…
Harry
Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.
Harry
What the hell’s all this?
Andy Bernard
Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato.
Harry
You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one’s that guy?

Scene 11

5 lines
Jim Halpert
The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it.
Dwight Schrute
Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.
Jim Halpert
Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. (shows sketch)

Scene 12

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(pointing at Toby) There he is. That’s Lloyd.
Toby Flenderson
Me?
Creed Bratton
Yeah, you.

Scene 13

2 lines
Harry
Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Toby Flenderson
Now, we’re actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe.

Scene 14

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn’t back down from anybody. And he calls people “Kimosabe”.

Scene 15

13 lines
Harry
They’re New York. We’re New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That’s the way it’s always been.
Jim Halpert
There’s actually not a rule that says that.
Dwight Schrute
That’s true.
Toby Flenderson
That’s true. There’s no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?
Toby Flenderson
No.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could’ve choked so many people by now.
Harry
Stay out of my state. It’s in your best interest to stay out of my state.
Toby Flenderson
I’ve seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.
Harry
Just stay out of New York, Lloyd.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. (runs outside)
Jim Halpert
How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?
Harry
Robert’s here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don’t think we were doing that.
Dwight Schrute
Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim’s leg.

Scene 16

22 lines
Robert California
Where’s the Advil, Jim? I think I’ve hit my limit on the Tylenol – Oh.
Andy Bernard
(Doing dishes) Sorry, not Jim.
Robert California
Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?
Andy Bernard
Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.
Robert California
Oh, for god –
Harry
Robert California. What a surprise you’re here in Scranton.
Robert California
Harry…
Harry
So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?
Robert California
How do you mean?
Andy Bernard
I forgot, a… a pan, uh –
Harry
No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead.
Robert California
Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There’s no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems… so poorly timed.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.
Harry
Listen, Robert, I don’t have time. There’s a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions –
Dwight Schrute
Don’t listen to him.
Harry
Used to be Binghamton’s –
Dwight Schrute
Nope.
Harry
I want it, it’s mine.
Dwight Schrute
Prestige is ours. Okay, they’re responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert.
Harry
We need you to make a decision.
Dwight Schrute
Make a decision.
Robert California
I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said… (Andy walks out)

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. (walking to car) I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all.

Scene 18

1 line
Robert California
Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? (camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room) They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I’ll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.

Scene 19

5 lines
Harry
Is it just me or is our boss a freakin’ weirdo? (stands up, walks outside) I’m gonna get some air.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first.
Jim Halpert
(Gets up and looks out Nellie’s office window) He’s running!
Dwight Schrute
Damn it!
Jim Halpert
Damn it.

Scene 20

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
Wha – what is this supposed to be?
Jim Halpert
It’s a monkey.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It’s got a hula skirt and a blue nose.
Jim Halpert
Hold on, hold on. Is this him?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
Is that him?
Dwight Schrute
It’s him! Do something! Get out!
Jim Halpert
What? What am I gonna do? I don’t –
Dwight Schrute
Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. (Jim opens passenger door) That’s it? Oh, that’s great. That’s like a five second delay.
Jim Halpert
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Come on, let’s go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.
Jim Halpert
Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah, definitely have nos.
Dwight Schrute
Hit the nos.
Jim Halpert
Are you sure?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Brace yourself. 3… 2…
Dwight Schrute
Got it. Go.
Jim Halpert
1. Here we go! (turns on wipers)

Scene 21

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.
Receptionist
Oh, do you have an appointment?
Andy Bernard
No, I do not.
Receptionist
Okay, I think I can squeeze you in.
Andy Bernard
Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you.
Receptionist
He’s really not that busy.
Mr. Ramish
Is there someone here to see me?
Receptionist
Yes, this man.
Mr. Ramish
Come on in. (Andy walks in)

Scene 22

3 lines
Pam Beesly
So…what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?
Nellie Bertram
Oh. Oh, I’ll tell you what he does.
Angela Martin
: (walks in) Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don’t worry, I won’t lay an egg.

Scene 23

1 line
Angela Martin
: Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? (laughs)

Scene 24

2 lines
Angela Martin
: I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.
Gabe Lewis
Did someone say girl talk?

Scene 25

1 line
Gabe Lewis
Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk.

Scene 26

3 lines
Gabe Lewis
Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I’m pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines.
Nellie Bertram
Do you think I’d like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?
Gabe Lewis
Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. (chuckles) It’ll be upsetting if you don’t.

Scene 27

9 lines
Andy Bernard
I’m a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.
Mr. Ramish
Why haven’t I heard of you? You got any references?
Andy Bernard
No. I’m a rogue.
Mr. Ramish
Uh-huh.
Andy Bernard
Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now… (pulls out business card) I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.
Mr. Ramish
Every salesman I’ve ever met has given me his personal phone number.
Andy Bernard
Of course they have. Which is why I’m giving you a key to my house. (gives key to C.E.O) Whatever you need – anytime, night or day – you just stop on by.
Mr. Ramish
You want me to drive to your house if I need paper.
Andy Bernard
Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe… you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.

Scene 28

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. (takes off belt, ties doors together)
Dwight Schrute
(Running) Ahhh! (Slides into elevator)
Jim Halpert
You all right?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. (Doors about to close, hand stops them) Oh.
Jim Halpert
Ah! (Harry walks in)
Jim Halpert
(Dwight pushes button for floor two) Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Go, go! Take the stairs! Now!
Jim Halpert
What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute
Just run! Take the stairs!
Jim Halpert
I don’t even know where the stairs are!
Dwight Schrute
I’ll stall him. Go!
Jim Halpert
God!
Harry
(Dwight jumping) What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
I’m gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We’ll be stuck between floors for hours. (pants fall down) Oh. (Jim runs in) My pants fell down.
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
My pants fell down! I don’t have a belt!

Scene 29

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
(walks into lobby) Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Mr. Ramish
What’s going on?
Dwight Schrute
Well –
Harry
Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse –
Dwight Schrute
I was here first.
Mr. Ramish
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.
Dwight Schrute
I already made an appointment… with your secretary.
Mr. Ramish
Let me stop you all right here. I’ve already picked a new paper supplier.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, it’s not D.M Utica, is it?
Mr. Ramish
No, no, it’s not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It’s… Big Red Paper Company.
Jim Halpert
Big Red Paper Company?
Mr. Ramish
Mm-hmm.

Scene 30

1 line
Andy Bernard
Yes, yes, yes!

Scene 31

8 lines
Harry
Give me a cup of coffee.
Dwight Schrute
Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
Jim Halpert
All right, guys. It didn’t work out for any of us, so… we’re still on the same team. Let me get these.
Dwight Schrute
No. Let him get his own. It’s Syracuse money.
Harry
You know, your partner’s got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?
Dwight Schrute
Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years.
Jim Halpert
But you’re saying there’s a chance.
Dwight Schrute
Shut up.

Scene 32

22 lines
Pam Beesly
(Walks into conference room) Hey.
Robert California
Hmm.
Pam Beesly
I stole Nellie’s phone.
Robert California
Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
Pam Beesly
What do you want from me?
Robert California
Now we get to the bottom of Nellie’s “yes, yes, yes, yes, never.”
Phone
Hi, Nell, it’s mom. Do keep your chin up. It can’t be as bad as you described.
Robert California
Oh yes it can.
Phone
This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections.
Robert California
Shopaholic.
Pam Beesly
Sounds like it.
Robert California
Yeah.
Phone
Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?
Robert California
Ah.
Phone
This is Annie from second nests. I’m sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we’re gonna hold out for that.
Pam Beesly
Okay, that’s enough. (grabs phone)
Robert California
Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this.
Pam Beesly
No, no, no!
Robert California
No, come on.
Pam Beesly
Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They’re all deleted.
Robert California
Pam, Pam, you’ve completely bungled this!
Pam Beesly
Ah. Ahh. (walks out)

Scene 33

19 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Nellie Bertram
Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal?
Pam Beesly
Um… yes. Definitely. With your hair –
Nellie Bertram
Oh!
Pam Beesly
Certainly. Um… you dropped your cell phone.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, gosh.
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Nellie Bertram
Thank you. I’m… so stupid.
Pam Beesly
No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, god, Pam. Don’t get me started.
Pam Beesly
No, I will not.
Nellie Bertram
You’ve just got me started. Robert… is… a filthy beast. I mean, don’t you get the feeling, he’s just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you?
Pam Beesly
Well –
Nellie Bertram
I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex.
Pam Beesly
But sometimes he talks about flesh… and bacchanals.
Nellie Bertram
I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.
Pam Beesly
No… don’t. Just put it out of your mind.
Nellie Bertram
Pam, what is your address? I’m gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don’t –
Nellie Bertram
Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper.

Scene 34

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And… I have a new friend. A friend. At work.

Scene 35

17 lines
Robert California
(Erin opens door) Erin.
Erin Hannon
There’s a call for you on line one.
Robert California
Who is it?
Erin Hannon
He says salvation. No last name.
Robert California
Yeah, hello?
Andy Bernard
(in car) You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don’t, and I will find another buyer.
Robert California
You’re blackmailing me.
Andy Bernard
It’s just business.
Robert California
Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You’re gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don’t even know my real name. I’m the *bleep* lizard king. (disconnects)
Andy Bernard
Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. (gets out of car, walks to house)
David Wallace
(opens door) Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard
You got a minute?
David Wallace
Um… I’m in the middle of a piano lesson.
Andy Bernard
I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.
David Wallace
Dunder Mifflin. (closes door) Now… why would I want that? It’s worth half of what it was three years ago.
Andy Bernard
Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
David Wallace
Why don’t you come in? (Andy walks in, closes door)

Scene 36

10 lines
Harry
So what would you do if you weren’t selling paper?
Jim Halpert
Oh, man, I’d have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine.
Dwight Schrute
How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don’t even care about nationals.
Harry
Nothing?
Jim Halpert
I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?
Harry
I’d like to sell one big thing, you know? Like… a plane. One sale, I’m out.
Jim Halpert
That sounds lovely.
Harry
Anyway, Robert’s gonna run this company into the ground, so… We won’t be doing this in six months.