Scene 012 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don’t you just take estrogen? (swallows powder) (coughs) There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? (kisses bicep) Mwah.
Scene 026 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They’d flex them all night at the discotheque.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, I bet you think it’s all about core, huh?Gabe LewisOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, please.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Core’s critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One – lengthen. Two – elongate.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who’s the strongest? Well, there’s only one way to solve that – flat curl contest.
Scene 0312 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Feast on this, Lewis.Gabe LewisOpen quote: I love the burn. The burn is where I live.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Come on, Gabe, you can’t handle his hamstrings. You’re getting hypno-thigh-zed.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Speed set. One. Two.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, thank you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You’re welcome.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Five. Six.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Quick phone call from you guys, keep going,EveryoneOpen quote: Eight, nine, ten.Gabe LewisOpen quote: We got it?
Scene 047 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Very funny Jim.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Everyone, conference room, now. (Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over)Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, easy there, grandpa.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don’t need your help.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay. You don’t need my help?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Here, here… Just…
Scene 0510 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Morning.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hey.Andy BernardOpen quote: Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot… these.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh.Andy BernardOpen quote: You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy, if you’re gonna hang out for a while, uh…Andy BernardOpen quote: What’s this?Erin HannonOpen quote: This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in.Andy BernardOpen quote: Is this Robert’s attempt to embarrass me?Erin HannonOpen quote: No, of course not. It’s just – I think it’s like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it’s like, where does it end? So just… (puts visitors tag on Andy)
Scene 061 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they’re rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it’s a little much? …Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that’s what it feels like.
Scene 0722 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good, we have a deal?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks Janet.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thanks so much Earl.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, simultaneous sale.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And they said it couldn’t be done. Boom!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Screw ‘em.Andy BernardOpen quote: Lot going on guys. What’s happening?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.Andy BernardOpen quote: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It’s like a festival of poo.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, hey, come on, language.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, and we’re not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: In the fridge.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sorry, man, I can’t focus on zingers. There’s too many potential clients.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You two better watch yourselves.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can’t be happy you’re taking New York clients.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Shh… shh… (vomits in trash can)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Robert?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why did Binghamton close?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Can everyone just, please… I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Columbian whites. What – what is this about, uh, Binghamton?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: The branch closed. Forever.
Scene 081 lineRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I’m not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.
Scene 0913 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: I got your voicemail. From – from last night.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Wonderful.Nellie BertramOpen quote: And the answer… is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. (leaves)Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Pam, when’s the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn’t hold the memories in?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, it was this summer –Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, I am a little busy.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Yes, ‘course. Why don’t you list the things that would keep you from helping me.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, I can make you a list.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Let’s do it now. What’s number one?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why don’t I help you now?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: There we go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 107 linesHarryOpen quote: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?Erin HannonOpen quote: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And you are…HarryOpen quote: Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.HarryOpen quote: What the hell’s all this?Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato.HarryOpen quote: You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one’s that guy?
Scene 115 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. (shows sketch)
Scene 123 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (pointing at Toby) There he is. That’s Lloyd.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Me?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Yeah, you.
Scene 132 linesHarryOpen quote: Where do you get off crossing state lines?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Now, we’re actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe.
Scene 141 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn’t back down from anybody. And he calls people “Kimosabe”.
Scene 1513 linesHarryOpen quote: They’re New York. We’re New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That’s the way it’s always been.Jim HalpertOpen quote: There’s actually not a rule that says that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That’s true.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: That’s true. There’s no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could’ve choked so many people by now.HarryOpen quote: Stay out of my state. It’s in your best interest to stay out of my state.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I’ve seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.HarryOpen quote: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. (runs outside)Jim HalpertOpen quote: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?HarryOpen quote: Robert’s here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don’t think we were doing that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim’s leg.
Scene 1622 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Where’s the Advil, Jim? I think I’ve hit my limit on the Tylenol – Oh.Andy BernardOpen quote: (Doing dishes) Sorry, not Jim.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?Andy BernardOpen quote: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Oh, for god –HarryOpen quote: Robert California. What a surprise you’re here in Scranton.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Harry…HarryOpen quote: So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: How do you mean?Andy BernardOpen quote: I forgot, a… a pan, uh –HarryOpen quote: No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There’s no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems… so poorly timed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.HarryOpen quote: Listen, Robert, I don’t have time. There’s a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions –Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don’t listen to him.HarryOpen quote: Used to be Binghamton’s –Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Nope.HarryOpen quote: I want it, it’s mine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Prestige is ours. Okay, they’re responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert.HarryOpen quote: We need you to make a decision.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Make a decision.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said… (Andy walks out)
Scene 171 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. (walking to car) I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all.
Scene 181 lineRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? (camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room) They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I’ll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.
Scene 195 linesHarryOpen quote: Is it just me or is our boss a freakin’ weirdo? (stands up, walks outside) I’m gonna get some air.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Gets up and looks out Nellie’s office window) He’s running!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn it!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Damn it.
Scene 2020 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Wha – what is this supposed to be?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It’s a monkey.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It’s got a hula skirt and a blue nose.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hold on, hold on. Is this him?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is that him?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It’s him! Do something! Get out!Jim HalpertOpen quote: What? What am I gonna do? I don’t –Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. (Jim opens passenger door) That’s it? Oh, that’s great. That’s like a five second delay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on, let’s go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hit the nos.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you sure?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Brace yourself. 3… 2…Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Got it. Go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: 1. Here we go! (turns on wipers)
Scene 219 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.ReceptionistOpen quote: Oh, do you have an appointment?Andy BernardOpen quote: No, I do not.ReceptionistOpen quote: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in.Andy BernardOpen quote: Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you.ReceptionistOpen quote: He’s really not that busy.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Is there someone here to see me?ReceptionistOpen quote: Yes, this man.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Come on in. (Andy walks in)
Scene 223 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: So…what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh. Oh, I’ll tell you what he does.Angela MartinOpen quote: : (walks in) Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don’t worry, I won’t lay an egg.
Scene 242 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: : I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Did someone say girl talk?
Scene 251 lineGabe LewisOpen quote: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk.
Scene 263 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I’m pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Do you think I’d like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?Gabe LewisOpen quote: Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. (chuckles) It’ll be upsetting if you don’t.
Scene 279 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: I’m a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Why haven’t I heard of you? You got any references?Andy BernardOpen quote: No. I’m a rogue.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Uh-huh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now… (pulls out business card) I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Every salesman I’ve ever met has given me his personal phone number.Andy BernardOpen quote: Of course they have. Which is why I’m giving you a key to my house. (gives key to C.E.O) Whatever you need – anytime, night or day – you just stop on by.Mr. RamishOpen quote: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper.Andy BernardOpen quote: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe… you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.
Scene 2816 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. (takes off belt, ties doors together)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Running) Ahhh! (Slides into elevator)Jim HalpertOpen quote: You all right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah. (Doors about to close, hand stops them) Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ah! (Harry walks in)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Dwight pushes button for floor two) Dwight, what are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Go, go! Take the stairs! Now!Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are you talking about?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just run! Take the stairs!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don’t even know where the stairs are!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I’ll stall him. Go!Jim HalpertOpen quote: God!HarryOpen quote: (Dwight jumping) What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I’m gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We’ll be stuck between floors for hours. (pants fall down) Oh. (Jim runs in) My pants fell down.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: My pants fell down! I don’t have a belt!
Scene 2912 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (walks into lobby) Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.Mr. RamishOpen quote: What’s going on?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well –HarryOpen quote: Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse –Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was here first.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I already made an appointment… with your secretary.Mr. RamishOpen quote: Let me stop you all right here. I’ve already picked a new paper supplier.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, it’s not D.M Utica, is it?Mr. RamishOpen quote: No, no, it’s not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It’s… Big Red Paper Company.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Big Red Paper Company?Mr. RamishOpen quote: Mm-hmm.
Scene 318 linesHarryOpen quote: Give me a cup of coffee.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, guys. It didn’t work out for any of us, so… we’re still on the same team. Let me get these.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. Let him get his own. It’s Syracuse money.HarryOpen quote: You know, your partner’s got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But you’re saying there’s a chance.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Shut up.
Scene 3222 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (Walks into conference room) Hey.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Hmm.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I stole Nellie’s phone.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What do you want from me?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Now we get to the bottom of Nellie’s “yes, yes, yes, yes, never.”PhoneOpen quote: Hi, Nell, it’s mom. Do keep your chin up. It can’t be as bad as you described.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Oh yes it can.PhoneOpen quote: This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Shopaholic.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sounds like it.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Yeah.PhoneOpen quote: Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Ah.PhoneOpen quote: This is Annie from second nests. I’m sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we’re gonna hold out for that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, that’s enough. (grabs phone)Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no, no!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No, come on.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They’re all deleted.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Pam, Pam, you’ve completely bungled this!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ah. Ahh. (walks out)
Scene 3319 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um… yes. Definitely. With your hair –Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Certainly. Um… you dropped your cell phone.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, gosh.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yep.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Thank you. I’m… so stupid.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, god, Pam. Don’t get me started.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I will not.Nellie BertramOpen quote: You’ve just got me started. Robert… is… a filthy beast. I mean, don’t you get the feeling, he’s just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well –Nellie BertramOpen quote: I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But sometimes he talks about flesh… and bacchanals.Nellie BertramOpen quote: I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No… don’t. Just put it out of your mind.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Pam, what is your address? I’m gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don’t –Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper.
Scene 341 lineNellie BertramOpen quote: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And… I have a new friend. A friend. At work.
Scene 3517 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: (Erin opens door) Erin.Erin HannonOpen quote: There’s a call for you on line one.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Who is it?Erin HannonOpen quote: He says salvation. No last name.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Yeah, hello?Andy BernardOpen quote: (in car) You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don’t, and I will find another buyer.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You’re blackmailing me.Andy BernardOpen quote: It’s just business.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You’re gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don’t even know my real name. I’m the *bleep* lizard king. (disconnects)Andy BernardOpen quote: Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. (gets out of car, walks to house)David WallaceOpen quote: (opens door) Andy Bernard.Andy BernardOpen quote: You got a minute?David WallaceOpen quote: Um… I’m in the middle of a piano lesson.Andy BernardOpen quote: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.David WallaceOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin. (closes door) Now… why would I want that? It’s worth half of what it was three years ago.Andy BernardOpen quote: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.David WallaceOpen quote: Why don’t you come in? (Andy walks in, closes door)
Scene 3610 linesHarryOpen quote: So what would you do if you weren’t selling paper?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, man, I’d have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don’t even care about nationals.HarryOpen quote: Nothing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?HarryOpen quote: I’d like to sell one big thing, you know? Like… a plane. One sale, I’m out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That sounds lovely.HarryOpen quote: Anyway, Robert’s gonna run this company into the ground, so… We won’t be doing this in six months.