This page includes the full script and all the lines from "Turf War", episode 23 of season 8 of The Office. After the Binghamton branch closes, Jim, Dwight, and the Syracuse branch compete for clients. Meanwhile, Andy blackmails Robert California.
Gabe Lewis:Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat.
Dwight Schrute:Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don’t you just take estrogen? (swallows powder)(coughs) There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? (kisses bicep) Mwah.
Gabe Lewis:I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They’d flex them all night at the discotheque.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, I bet you think it’s all about core, huh?
Gabe Lewis:Yeah.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, please.
Gabe Lewis:Core’s critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One – lengthen. Two – elongate.
Jim Halpert:Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who’s the strongest? Well, there’s only one way to solve that – flat curl contest.
Jim Halpert:All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go.
Dwight Schrute:Feast on this, Lewis.
Gabe Lewis:I love the burn. The burn is where I live.
Jim Halpert:Come on, Gabe, you can’t handle his hamstrings. You’re getting hypno-thigh-zed.
Gabe Lewis:Speed set. One. Two.
Jim Halpert:Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, thank you.
Jim Halpert:You’re welcome.
Gabe Lewis:Five. Six.
Jim Halpert:Quick phone call from you guys, keep going,
Everyone:Eight, nine, ten.
Gabe Lewis:We got it?
Dwight Schrute:Very funny Jim.
Gabe Lewis:Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.
Robert California:Everyone, conference room, now. (Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over)
Jim Halpert:All right, easy there, grandpa.
Dwight Schrute:I don’t need your help.
Jim Halpert:Okay. You don’t need my help?
Dwight Schrute:Here, here… Just…
Andy Bernard:Morning.
Erin Hannon:Hey.
Andy Bernard:Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot… these.
Erin Hannon:Oh.
Andy Bernard:You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Erin Hannon:Andy, if you’re gonna hang out for a while, uh…
Andy Bernard:What’s this?
Erin Hannon:This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in.
Andy Bernard:Is this Robert’s attempt to embarrass me?
Erin Hannon:No, of course not. It’s just – I think it’s like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it’s like, where does it end? So just… (puts visitors tag on Andy)
Andy Bernard:Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they’re rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it’s a little much? …Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that’s what it feels like.
Jim Halpert:All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.
Dwight Schrute:Good, we have a deal?
Jim Halpert:Thanks Janet.
Dwight Schrute:Thanks so much Earl.
Jim Halpert:Wow, simultaneous sale.
Dwight Schrute:And they said it couldn’t be done. Boom!
Jim Halpert:Screw ‘em.
Andy Bernard:Lot going on guys. What’s happening?
Jim Halpert:Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy Bernard:That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It’s like a festival of poo.
Jim Halpert:Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, and we’re not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim Halpert:In the fridge.
Dwight Schrute:No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.
Jim Halpert:Sorry, man, I can’t focus on zingers. There’s too many potential clients.
Stanley Hudson:You two better watch yourselves.
Phyllis Vance:Yeah, the Syracuse branch can’t be happy you’re taking New York clients.
Robert California:Shh… shh… (vomits in trash can)
Jim Halpert:Robert?
Oscar Martinez:Why did Binghamton close?
Robert California:Can everyone just, please… I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Columbian whites. What – what is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin Malone:The branch closed. Forever.
Robert California:Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I’m not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.
Nellie Bertram:I got your voicemail. From – from last night.
Robert California:Wonderful.
Nellie Bertram:And the answer… is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. (leaves)
Robert California:Pam, when’s the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn’t hold the memories in?
Pam Beesly:Oh, it was this summer –
Robert California:Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.
Pam Beesly:Um, I am a little busy.
Robert California:Yes, ‘course. Why don’t you list the things that would keep you from helping me.
Pam Beesly:Yeah, I can make you a list.
Robert California:Let’s do it now. What’s number one?
Pam Beesly:Why don’t I help you now?
Robert California:There we go.
Pam Beesly:Okay.
Harry:Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Erin Hannon:Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
Dwight Schrute:And you are…
Harry:Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.
Harry:What the hell’s all this?
Andy Bernard:Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato.
Harry:You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one’s that guy?
Jim Halpert:The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it.
Dwight Schrute:Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to – how do I put this – steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.
Jim Halpert:Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.
Dwight Schrute:Yes.
Jim Halpert:Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. (shows sketch)
Dwight Schrute:(pointing at Toby) There he is. That’s Lloyd.
Toby Flenderson:Me?
Creed Bratton:Yeah, you.
Harry:Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Toby Flenderson:Now, we’re actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe.
Toby Flenderson:I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn’t back down from anybody. And he calls people “Kimosabe”.
Harry:They’re New York. We’re New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That’s the way it’s always been.
Jim Halpert:There’s actually not a rule that says that.
Dwight Schrute:That’s true.
Toby Flenderson:That’s true. There’s no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?
Toby Flenderson:No.
Dwight Schrute:Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could’ve choked so many people by now.
Harry:Stay out of my state. It’s in your best interest to stay out of my state.
Toby Flenderson:I’ve seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.
Harry:Just stay out of New York, Lloyd.
Toby Flenderson:Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. (runs outside)
Jim Halpert:How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?
Harry:Robert’s here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don’t think we were doing that.
Robert California:Where’s the Advil, Jim? I think I’ve hit my limit on the Tylenol – Oh.
Andy Bernard:(Doing dishes) Sorry, not Jim.
Robert California:Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?
Andy Bernard:Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.
Robert California:Oh, for god –
Harry:Robert California. What a surprise you’re here in Scranton.
Robert California:Harry…
Harry:So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?
Robert California:How do you mean?
Andy Bernard:I forgot, a… a pan, uh –
Harry:No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead.
Robert California:Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There’s no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems… so poorly timed.
Dwight Schrute:Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.
Harry:Listen, Robert, I don’t have time. There’s a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions –
Dwight Schrute:Don’t listen to him.
Harry:Used to be Binghamton’s –
Dwight Schrute:Nope.
Harry:I want it, it’s mine.
Dwight Schrute:Prestige is ours. Okay, they’re responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert.
Harry:We need you to make a decision.
Dwight Schrute:Make a decision.
Robert California:I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said… (Andy walks out)
Andy Bernard:Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. (walking to car) I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all.
Robert California:Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? (camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room) They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I’ll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.
Harry:Is it just me or is our boss a freakin’ weirdo? (stands up, walks outside) I’m gonna get some air.
Dwight Schrute:Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first.
Jim Halpert:(Gets up and looks out Nellie’s office window) He’s running!
Dwight Schrute:Damn it!
Jim Halpert:Damn it.
Dwight Schrute:Wha – what is this supposed to be?
Jim Halpert:It’s a monkey.
Dwight Schrute:Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It’s got a hula skirt and a blue nose.
Jim Halpert:Hold on, hold on. Is this him?
Dwight Schrute:What?
Jim Halpert:Is that him?
Dwight Schrute:It’s him! Do something! Get out!
Jim Halpert:What? What am I gonna do? I don’t –
Dwight Schrute:Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. (Jim opens passenger door) That’s it? Oh, that’s great. That’s like a five second delay.
Jim Halpert:Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:Come on, let’s go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.
Jim Halpert:Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?
Dwight Schrute:Yeah.
Jim Halpert:Oh, yeah, definitely have nos.
Dwight Schrute:Hit the nos.
Jim Halpert:Are you sure?
Dwight Schrute:Yes.
Jim Halpert:Brace yourself. 3… 2…
Dwight Schrute:Got it. Go.
Jim Halpert:1. Here we go! (turns on wipers)
Andy Bernard:Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.
Receptionist:Oh, do you have an appointment?
Andy Bernard:No, I do not.
Receptionist:Okay, I think I can squeeze you in.
Andy Bernard:Seriously? ‘Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you.
Receptionist:He’s really not that busy.
Mr. Ramish:Is there someone here to see me?
Receptionist:Yes, this man.
Mr. Ramish:Come on in. (Andy walks in)
Pam Beesly:So…what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?
Nellie Bertram:Oh. Oh, I’ll tell you what he does.
Angela Martin:: (walks in) Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don’t worry, I won’t lay an egg.
Angela Martin:: Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? (laughs)
Angela Martin:: I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.
Gabe Lewis:Did someone say girl talk?
Gabe Lewis:Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk.
Gabe Lewis:Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I’m pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines.
Nellie Bertram:Do you think I’d like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?
Gabe Lewis:Uh, I think you’re gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. (chuckles) It’ll be upsetting if you don’t.
Andy Bernard:I’m a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.
Mr. Ramish:Why haven’t I heard of you? You got any references?
Andy Bernard:No. I’m a rogue.
Mr. Ramish:Uh-huh.
Andy Bernard:Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now… (pulls out business card) I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.
Mr. Ramish:Every salesman I’ve ever met has given me his personal phone number.
Andy Bernard:Of course they have. Which is why I’m giving you a key to my house. (gives key to C.E.O) Whatever you need – anytime, night or day – you just stop on by.
Mr. Ramish:You want me to drive to your house if I need paper.
Andy Bernard:Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe… you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.
Dwight Schrute:Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. (takes off belt, ties doors together)
Dwight Schrute:(Running) Ahhh! (Slides into elevator)
Jim Halpert:You all right?
Dwight Schrute:Yeah. (Doors about to close, hand stops them) Oh.
Jim Halpert:Ah! (Harry walks in)
Jim Halpert:(Dwight pushes button for floor two) Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute:Go, go! Take the stairs! Now!
Jim Halpert:What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute:Just run! Take the stairs!
Jim Halpert:I don’t even know where the stairs are!
Dwight Schrute:I’ll stall him. Go!
Jim Halpert:God!
Harry:(Dwight jumping) What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute:I’m gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We’ll be stuck between floors for hours. (pants fall down) Oh. (Jim runs in) My pants fell down.
Jim Halpert:What?
Dwight Schrute:My pants fell down! I don’t have a belt!
Dwight Schrute:(walks into lobby) Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Mr. Ramish:What’s going on?
Dwight Schrute:Well –
Harry:Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse –
Dwight Schrute:I was here first.
Mr. Ramish:Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.
Dwight Schrute:I already made an appointment… with your secretary.
Mr. Ramish:Let me stop you all right here. I’ve already picked a new paper supplier.
Dwight Schrute:Wait, it’s not D.M Utica, is it?
Mr. Ramish:No, no, it’s not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It’s… Big Red Paper Company.
Jim Halpert:Big Red Paper Company?
Mr. Ramish:Mm-hmm.
Andy Bernard:Yes, yes, yes!
Harry:Give me a cup of coffee.
Dwight Schrute:Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
Jim Halpert:All right, guys. It didn’t work out for any of us, so… we’re still on the same team. Let me get these.
Dwight Schrute:No. Let him get his own. It’s Syracuse money.
Harry:You know, your partner’s got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?
Dwight Schrute:Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years.
Jim Halpert:But you’re saying there’s a chance.
Dwight Schrute:Shut up.
Pam Beesly:(Walks into conference room) Hey.
Robert California:Hmm.
Pam Beesly:I stole Nellie’s phone.
Robert California:Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
Pam Beesly:What do you want from me?
Robert California:Now we get to the bottom of Nellie’s “yes, yes, yes, yes, never.”
Phone:Hi, Nell, it’s mom. Do keep your chin up. It can’t be as bad as you described.
Robert California:Oh yes it can.
Phone:This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections.
Robert California:Shopaholic.
Pam Beesly:Sounds like it.
Robert California:Yeah.
Phone:Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?
Robert California:Ah.
Phone:This is Annie from second nests. I’m sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we’re gonna hold out for that.
Pam Beesly:Okay, that’s enough. (grabs phone)
Robert California:Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this.
Pam Beesly:No, no, no!
Robert California:No, come on.
Pam Beesly:Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They’re all deleted.
Robert California:Pam, Pam, you’ve completely bungled this!
Pam Beesly:Ah. Ahh. (walks out)
Pam Beesly:Hey.
Nellie Bertram:Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal?
Pam Beesly:Um… yes. Definitely. With your hair –
Nellie Bertram:Oh!
Pam Beesly:Certainly. Um… you dropped your cell phone.
Nellie Bertram:Oh, gosh.
Pam Beesly:Yep.
Nellie Bertram:Thank you. I’m… so stupid.
Pam Beesly:No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything.
Nellie Bertram:Oh, god, Pam. Don’t get me started.
Pam Beesly:No, I will not.
Nellie Bertram:You’ve just got me started. Robert… is… a filthy beast. I mean, don’t you get the feeling, he’s just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you?
Pam Beesly:Well –
Nellie Bertram:I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex.
Pam Beesly:But sometimes he talks about flesh… and bacchanals.
Nellie Bertram:I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.
Pam Beesly:No… don’t. Just put it out of your mind.
Nellie Bertram:Pam, what is your address? I’m gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don’t –
Nellie Bertram:Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper.
Nellie Bertram:Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And… I have a new friend. A friend. At work.
Robert California:(Erin opens door) Erin.
Erin Hannon:There’s a call for you on line one.
Robert California:Who is it?
Erin Hannon:He says salvation. No last name.
Robert California:Yeah, hello?
Andy Bernard:(in car) You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don’t, and I will find another buyer.
Robert California:You’re blackmailing me.
Andy Bernard:It’s just business.
Robert California:Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You’re gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don’t even know my real name. I’m the *bleep* lizard king. (disconnects)
Andy Bernard:Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. (gets out of car, walks to house)
David Wallace:(opens door) Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard:You got a minute?
David Wallace:Um… I’m in the middle of a piano lesson.
Andy Bernard:I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.
David Wallace:Dunder Mifflin. (closes door) Now… why would I want that? It’s worth half of what it was three years ago.
Andy Bernard:Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
David Wallace:Why don’t you come in? (Andy walks in, closes door)
Harry:So what would you do if you weren’t selling paper?
Jim Halpert:Oh, man, I’d have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions.
Dwight Schrute:What?
Jim Halpert:Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine.
Dwight Schrute:How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don’t even care about nationals.
Harry:Nothing?
Jim Halpert:I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?
Harry:I’d like to sell one big thing, you know? Like… a plane. One sale, I’m out.
Jim Halpert:That sounds lovely.
Harry:Anyway, Robert’s gonna run this company into the ground, so… We won’t be doing this in six months.
In The Office episode 23 season 8, "Turf War" is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote to share on social media. The Binghamton branch closes. Dunder Mifflin's Scranton and Syracuse branches fight over the clients. Jim and Dwight compete with Harry from Syracuse. They want the huge Prestige account. Andy finds out. He tries to get the client for himself. He wants to force Robert to rehire him. Robert is acting strange after his divorce. He makes weird choices. He won't let anyone contact Prestige.
Jim and Dwight try to beat Harry to the client. Dwight loses his belt. His pants fall down in the lobby. Andy meets with the Prestige CEO first. He offers a low price. He gives the CEO a key to his house. Jim, Dwight, and Harry arrive. The CEO says he chose Big Red Paper Company. Andy celebrates. He calls Robert. He says to rehire him or lose the client. Robert refuses. Andy then tries to sell Dunder Mifflin to David Wallace.
Pam tries to find out what Robert said in a voicemail. She listens to Nellie's messages. Nellie gets bad news about a credit card and adoption. Pam deletes the messages by mistake. Nellie is upset. Pam offers to be her friend. Nellie is happy. She gives Pam gold shoes. The office workers have a "girl talk" session. They discuss Korean soap operas.
