Dwight sets up a free family portrait studio in the office to get a DNA sample from Phillip. Meanwhile, Andy pretends to be a janitor to get his job back, and Darryl tries to get Val to break up with her boyfriend. This page includes the full script and all the lines from The Office, Season 8 Episode 24, "Free Family Portrait Studio."
Oscar Martinez:(to webcam) Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um-
Phyllis Vance:What's he doing?
Dwight Schrute:He's searching out younger gays.
Phyllis Vance:Oh.
Oscar Martinez:No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.
Dwight Schrute:...with you. (chuckles)
Oscar Martinez:No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-
Kelly Kapoor:Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Oscar Martinez:Do you not own a mirror?
Kelly Kapoor:Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Pam Beesly:I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
Kelly Kapoor:I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Oscar Martinez:Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-
Robert California:No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-
Oscar Martinez:It's not misleading.
Robert California:-pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as "normal." It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Kevin Malone:Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. (Robert backs into Kevin's nose) Ooh! (whimpers)
Robert California:Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!
Dwight Schrute:You okay, Robert?
Robert California:Fine.
Dwight Schrute:Put some ice on it.
Oscar Martinez:In any case, it gets better. (Kevin cries) Maybe- maybe not much better... but better.
Sasha:One, two, three!
Dwight Schrute:I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, "muffin basket." Then I thought, "What’s even more precious to people than muffins?"
Jake:Can you just smile, please?
Meredith Palmer:I don't want to!
Dwight Schrute:...their own children.
Dwight Schrute:Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?
Angela Martin:No thank you.
Dwight Schrute:Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.
Jim Halpert:I know why you're doing this, Dwight.
Jim Halpert:Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest.
Dwight Schrute:(Jim rips off his clothes) Wha-? (Stanley laughs) Damn it, Jim!
Jim Halpert:Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious.
Darryl Philbin:Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Hide:Bad economy. Bad investment.
Darryl Philbin:You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
Calvin:They did not.
Darryl Philbin:And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.
Calvin:I wouldn't.
Darryl Philbin:Aw, come on. What's the harm? (makes face) Mmm. What flavor was that?
Hide:Coconut penis.
Darryl Philbin:The coconut's pretty subtle.
Calvin:Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no?
Darryl Philbin:I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- (sees Val) ooh, hold on a second. (sees Brandon) Oh.
Darryl Philbin:If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.
Andy Bernard:(wearing janitor outfit) Hi guys.
Jim Halpert:How's it going, man?
Andy Bernard:(whimpering) I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?
Jim Halpert:Great, yeah, good.
Gabe Lewis:Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.
Nellie Bertram:Oh God.
Andy Bernard:Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants...
Nellie Bertram:No, you don't understand-
Andy Bernard:Clean the toilets.
Nellie Bertram:I don't need anyone to-
Andy Bernard:Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Nellie Bertram:That's not even a thing.
Andy Bernard:Just, please...
Nellie Bertram:Andy.
Andy Bernard:Please!
Nellie Bertram:Andy.
Andy Bernard:Give me something!
Nellie Bertram:Why don't you clean the carpets for today?
Andy Bernard:Thank you.
Nellie Bertram:You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.
Andy Bernard:Thank you.
Nellie Bertram:You don't need to-
Andy Bernard:I have a delicious secret.
Creed Bratton:Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.
Jim Halpert:Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?
Andy Bernard:Yeah, it is actually.
Andy Bernard:Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager.
Pam Beesly:(enters with the kids) Family picture!
Jim Halpert:Pam? No!
Pam Beesly:What? Honey, we talked about this.
Jim Halpert:No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap.
Pam Beesly:Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.
Jim Halpert:No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.
Pam Beesly:No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?
Jim Halpert:Nope.
Pam Beesly:We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.
Jim Halpert:But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are.
Pam Beesly:No, no.
Jim Halpert:Nope.
Pam Beesly:But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.
Jim Halpert:That's-
Pam Beesly:Yes!
Jim Halpert:That's-
Pam Beesly:And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y.
Jim Halpert:Okay.
Kevin Malone:Wait, C-R-A-Z...
Dwight Schrute:Great, right up there.
Pam Beesly:Yeah?
Jim Halpert:Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go.
Pam Beesly:Okay.
Jim Halpert:Alright. Why don't you just-
Pam Beesly:Oh, great. Thank you.
Jim Halpert:-give him to me and... perfect.
Pam Beesly:Okay.
Jim Halpert:This is great.
Pam Beesly:You ready?
Jim Halpert:Excuse me.
Pam Beesly:There we go.
Jim Halpert:Just do it.
Pam Beesly:I'll just stand here?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great.
Photographer:Sir, could you look into the camera?
Jim Halpert:Let's do it, shoot it.
Photographer:Sir.
Jim Halpert:Great.
Dwight Schrute:Up here. (whistles)
Jim Halpert:Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dwight Schrute:Jim, right here, right here. (snaps fingers) Okay, good.
Jim Halpert:Oh, so that's it?
Dwight Schrute:That's it.
Pam Beesly:See? That wasn't so hard.
Dwight Schrute:Cute kids, thanks for coming.
The Senator:Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody.
Angela Martin:Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?
The Senator:Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.
Phyllis Vance:(laughs) Yeah.
Angela Martin:Heh.
Erin Hannon:Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. (points to line on floor)
The Senator:Thanks.
Dwight Schrute:Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela.
Angela Martin:Dwight.
Dwight Schrute:Nice to see you. May I hold him?
The Senator:Sure.
Angela Martin:No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.
Angela Martin:I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with.
Angela Martin:(Phillip cries) See the duckie!
Dwight Schrute:Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.
The Senator:Oh, thank you.
Angela Martin:(slaps Dwight's hand away) No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is.
Dwight Schrute:Really?
Andy Bernard:This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. (gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs) It's go time.
Andy Bernard:Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup.
Nellie Bertram:Well, I don't want any soup.
Andy Bernard:But it's really good- (drops soup) Oh!
Nellie Bertram:Oh come on, Andy!
Erin Hannon:I know this is going to be a great payoff.
Andy Bernard:A delicious moment.
Erin Hannon:But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake.
Andy Bernard:Well, but it-
Erin Hannon:Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate.
Dwight Schrute:Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-
Angela Martin:Uh-uh, leave us alone.
The Senator:I guess we're okay with the fingernails.
Dwight Schrute:Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?
Angela Martin:Dwight, we're fine!
The Senator:Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?
Angela Martin:Oh no. (laughs)
The Senator:I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second.
Dwight Schrute:He defecated, aw.
The Senator:You're stinky.
Darryl Philbin:A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that?
Brandon:That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that.
Val:Uh, Brandon?
Darryl Philbin:I would.
Brandon:You would?
Darryl Philbin:Yeah.
Brandon:Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend.
Val:Calm down, he's not.
Darryl Philbin:Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page.
Brandon:(scoffs) So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant?
Val:Brandon!
Darryl Philbin:Good slam.
Brandon:Thank you, Biggie.
Darryl Philbin:Good luck to you.
Brandon:Oh, and have a burger for me.
The Senator:Okay, shall we take a few more?
Angela Martin:I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight.
The Senator:Okay. There we go.
Angela Martin:No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?
Toby Flenderson:Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you.
Nellie Bertram:You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably.
Andy Bernard:I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.
Jim Halpert:No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk...
Erin Hannon:No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me.
Nellie Bertram:What?
Pam Beesly:You hit her?
Andy Bernard:No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.
Erin Hannon:He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me-
Andy Bernard:That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.
Gabe Lewis:(enters) Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie Bertram:Oh, get out, skeleton man!
Toby Flenderson:I can refer you to someone to talk to.
Andy Bernard:(his phone rings) Huh? Hold on.
Toby Flenderson:Give you a name or-
Andy Bernard:I just gonna- quick- (answers phone) Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. (inhales, hangs up) Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!
Jim Halpert:Oh boy.
Pam Beesly:Oh, Andy.
Oscar Martinez:What?
Andy Bernard:I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Oscar Martinez:David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.
Andy Bernard:Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum "Suck It" to the U.S. military.
Jim Halpert:Andy, come on.
Kevin Malone:Even I know that's weird.
Andy Bernard:I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.
Toby Flenderson:Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy.
Andy Bernard:Stop saying my name.
Erin Hannon:No, he's not making this up.
Andy Bernard:Thank you, Erin.
Erin Hannon:Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.
Pam Beesly:But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
Erin Hannon:Oh my God.
Andy Bernard:Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.
Toby Flenderson:Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?
Dwight Schrute:(into phone) Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.
Kelly Kapoor:Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there.
Ravi:I do adore you.
Robert California:Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy Bernard:Yeah, I know.
Robert California:Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. (drinks coconut penis energy drink) Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.
Jim Halpert:Hey.
Others:Hey!
David Wallace:Hey guys, long time.
Pam Beesly:David, what are you doing here?
Phyllis Vance:Is it true you're buying the company?
David Wallace:Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy-
Andy Bernard:What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager?
David Wallace:I'll get to that in a second, Andy.
Andy Bernard:But it's- it is- it is me? Right?
David Wallace:Yes, as we've discussed-
Andy Bernard:What?
David Wallace:But it's very possible-
Andy Bernard:Oh my God!
David Wallace:Probable.
Andy Bernard:Wow. From janitor to manager?
David Wallace:Yep.
Andy Bernard:That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.
David Wallace:There's an official announcement, a few details to be-
Andy Bernard:From total loss to total boss, I mean-
Stanley Hudson:Can we expect any payroll interruptions?
David Wallace:Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up-
Andy Bernard:I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would.
Phyllis Vance:So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David Wallace:Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert California:Oof. (laughs) Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. (laughs) I'm actually the CEO.
David Wallace:Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert California:Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David Wallace:Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert California:Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.
David Wallace:Pleasure.
Robert California:I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place.
David Wallace:That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that.
Robert California:Please. (laughs)
Andy Bernard:Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Jim Halpert:Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.
Andy Bernard:Gosh, I hope so.
Angela Martin:No! God, Mose! God!
Mose:Hi, Angela.
Angela Martin:Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?
Mose:I'm not supposed to say.
Angela Martin:Yes! (slaps Mose) Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here!
Darryl Philbin:(taking photo with Jada) Let's see that smile. Go on. (waves to Val)
Val:(stands next to him) Right here?
Darryl Philbin:Cool.
Andy Bernard:Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.
Nellie Bertram:May I say one thing?
Andy Bernard:It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.
Nellie Bertram:The quality of mercy is not strained.
Andy Bernard:No.
Nellie Bertram:It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
Andy Bernard:Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
Nellie Bertram:It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.
Andy Bernard:I just want one mother(bleep) delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?
Andy Bernard:If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?
Nellie Bertram:Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want.
Andy Bernard:All right, you sly bastard. When can you start?
David Wallace:Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him.
Meredith Palmer:Ouch. That's gotta hurt!
David Wallace:But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.
Robert California:David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women.
David Wallace:I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.
Robert California:Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.
Andy Bernard:Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Robert California:Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun.
Andy Bernard:Mm. Mm-hmm. (they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips)
Robert California:It's been a great year.
Dwight Schrute:Hello.
Angela Martin:Where is it?
Dwight Schrute:They're testing it now.
Angela Martin:How long does it take to get the results?
Dwight Schrute:Seventy-two hours.
Angela Martin:You're gonna wait here?
Dwight Schrute:Yes. (Angela sits and holds his hand)
Angela Martin:(Dwight kisses her) Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!
The Senator:Hey.
Oscar Martinez:Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you?
The Senator:You didn't call.
Oscar Martinez:Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me...
The Senator:You know what this is about. (covers Phillip's eyes) Call.
In "The Office" episode 24, season 8, "Free Family Portrait Studio," Dwight sets up a photo studio. He wants to get a DNA sample from Angela's baby. He thinks he is the father. Jim and Pam bring their kids for a free photo. They are wary of Dwight's true motives. They decide to keep a close eye on him.
Andy pretends to be a janitor. He wants to surprise everyone when David Wallace buys the company. He thinks David will make him manager again. He cleans and acts drunk to fool them. Nellie tells him to stop. She says he is going too far. Darryl, Oscar, and Kevin lost money. They invested in an energy drink. It was for Asian gay men. The flavor was bad. Darryl tries to hit on Val. Her boyfriend, Brandon, gets mad.
Senator Lipton comes for a photo with the baby. Dwight tries to get a DNA sample. Angela stops him. David Wallace arrives. He is buying Dunder Mifflin. Andy is happy. David says Andy will be manager. Robert California is the new CEO. He will leave to help women overseas. He kisses Andy goodbye. Dwight waits for the DNA test results. Angela waits with him. She holds his hand. He kisses her. The senator calls. He knows about them.
