Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Free Family Portrait Studio

Vol. 8 · Issue 24Scranton, PA

Watch Dwight launch a full-scale diaper heist just to prove he's the father of Angela's baby. Between Robert California's weird exit and the arrival of "coconut penis" energy drinks, this finale is a wild ride. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including the script for Andy’s big David Wallace reveal.

Scene 01

22 lines
Oscar Martinez
(to webcam) Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um-
Phyllis Vance
What's he doing?
Dwight Schrute
He's searching out younger gays.
Phyllis Vance
Oh.
Oscar Martinez
No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.
Dwight Schrute
...with you. (chuckles)
Oscar Martinez
No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-
Kelly Kapoor
Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Oscar Martinez
Do you not own a mirror?
Kelly Kapoor
Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Pam Beesly
I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
Kelly Kapoor
I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Oscar Martinez
Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-
Robert California
No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-
Oscar Martinez
It's not misleading.
Robert California
-pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as "normal." It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Kevin Malone
Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. (Robert backs into Kevin's nose) Ooh! (whimpers)
Robert California
Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!
Dwight Schrute
You okay, Robert?
Robert California
Fine.
Dwight Schrute
Put some ice on it.
Oscar Martinez
In any case, it gets better. (Kevin cries) Maybe- maybe not much better... but better.

Scene 02

1 line
Sasha
One, two, three!

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, "muffin basket." Then I thought, "What’s even more precious to people than muffins?"

Scene 04

2 lines
Jake
Can you just smile, please?
Meredith Palmer
I don't want to!

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
...their own children.

Scene 06

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?
Angela Martin
No thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.
Jim Halpert
I know why you're doing this, Dwight.

Scene 07

1 line
Jim Halpert
Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(Jim rips off his clothes) Wha-? (Stanley laughs) Damn it, Jim!

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious.

Scene 10

11 lines
Darryl Philbin
Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Hide
Bad economy. Bad investment.
Darryl Philbin
You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
Calvin
They did not.
Darryl Philbin
And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.
Calvin
I wouldn't.
Darryl Philbin
Aw, come on. What's the harm? (makes face) Mmm. What flavor was that?
Hide
Coconut penis.
Darryl Philbin
The coconut's pretty subtle.
Calvin
Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no?
Darryl Philbin
I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- (sees Val) ooh, hold on a second. (sees Brandon) Oh.

Scene 11

1 line
Darryl Philbin
If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.

Scene 12

22 lines
Andy Bernard
(wearing janitor outfit) Hi guys.
Jim Halpert
How's it going, man?
Andy Bernard
(whimpering) I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?
Jim Halpert
Great, yeah, good.
Gabe Lewis
Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.
Nellie Bertram
Oh God.
Andy Bernard
Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants...
Nellie Bertram
No, you don't understand-
Andy Bernard
Clean the toilets.
Nellie Bertram
I don't need anyone to-
Andy Bernard
Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Nellie Bertram
That's not even a thing.
Andy Bernard
Just, please...
Nellie Bertram
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Please!
Nellie Bertram
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Give me something!
Nellie Bertram
Why don't you clean the carpets for today?
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Nellie Bertram
You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Nellie Bertram
You don't need to-

Scene 13

1 line
Andy Bernard
I have a delicious secret.

Scene 14

3 lines
Creed Bratton
Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.
Jim Halpert
Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, it is actually.

Scene 15

1 line
Andy Bernard
Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager.

Scene 16

19 lines
Pam Beesly
(enters with the kids) Family picture!
Jim Halpert
Pam? No!
Pam Beesly
What? Honey, we talked about this.
Jim Halpert
No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap.
Pam Beesly
Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.
Jim Halpert
No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.
Pam Beesly
No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Pam Beesly
We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.
Jim Halpert
But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are.
Pam Beesly
No, no.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Pam Beesly
But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.
Jim Halpert
That's-
Pam Beesly
Yes!
Jim Halpert
That's-
Pam Beesly
And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Wait, C-R-A-Z...

Scene 17

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
Great, right up there.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Why don't you just-
Pam Beesly
Oh, great. Thank you.
Jim Halpert
-give him to me and... perfect.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
This is great.
Pam Beesly
You ready?
Jim Halpert
Excuse me.
Pam Beesly
There we go.
Jim Halpert
Just do it.
Pam Beesly
I'll just stand here?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great.
Photographer
Sir, could you look into the camera?
Jim Halpert
Let's do it, shoot it.
Photographer
Sir.
Jim Halpert
Great.
Dwight Schrute
Up here. (whistles)
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, right here, right here. (snaps fingers) Okay, good.
Jim Halpert
Oh, so that's it?
Dwight Schrute
That's it.
Pam Beesly
See? That wasn't so hard.
Dwight Schrute
Cute kids, thanks for coming.

Scene 18

7 lines
The Senator
Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody.
Angela Martin
Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?
The Senator
Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.
Phyllis Vance
(laughs) Yeah.
Angela Martin
Heh.
Erin Hannon
Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. (points to line on floor)
The Senator
Thanks.

Scene 19

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela.
Angela Martin
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Nice to see you. May I hold him?
The Senator
Sure.
Angela Martin
No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.

Scene 20

1 line
Angela Martin
I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with.

Scene 21

5 lines
Angela Martin
(Phillip cries) See the duckie!
Dwight Schrute
Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.
The Senator
Oh, thank you.
Angela Martin
(slaps Dwight's hand away) No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is.
Dwight Schrute
Really?

Scene 22

1 line
Andy Bernard
This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. (gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs) It's go time.

Scene 23

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup.
Nellie Bertram
Well, I don't want any soup.
Andy Bernard
But it's really good- (drops soup) Oh!
Nellie Bertram
Oh come on, Andy!

Scene 24

5 lines
Erin Hannon
I know this is going to be a great payoff.
Andy Bernard
A delicious moment.
Erin Hannon
But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake.
Andy Bernard
Well, but it-
Erin Hannon
Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate.

Scene 25

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-
Angela Martin
Uh-uh, leave us alone.
The Senator
I guess we're okay with the fingernails.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?
Angela Martin
Dwight, we're fine!
The Senator
Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?
Angela Martin
Oh no. (laughs)
The Senator
I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second.
Dwight Schrute
He defecated, aw.
The Senator
You're stinky.

Scene 26

15 lines
Darryl Philbin
A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that?
Brandon
That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that.
Val
Uh, Brandon?
Darryl Philbin
I would.
Brandon
You would?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Brandon
Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend.
Val
Calm down, he's not.
Darryl Philbin
Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page.
Brandon
(scoffs) So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant?
Val
Brandon!
Darryl Philbin
Good slam.
Brandon
Thank you, Biggie.
Darryl Philbin
Good luck to you.
Brandon
Oh, and have a burger for me.

Scene 27

3 lines
The Senator
Okay, shall we take a few more?
Angela Martin
I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight.
The Senator
Okay. There we go.

Scene 28

1 line
Angela Martin
No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?

Scene 30

34 lines
Toby Flenderson
Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you.
Nellie Bertram
You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably.
Andy Bernard
I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.
Jim Halpert
No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk...
Erin Hannon
No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me.
Nellie Bertram
What?
Pam Beesly
You hit her?
Andy Bernard
No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.
Erin Hannon
He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me-
Andy Bernard
That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.
Gabe Lewis
(enters) Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie Bertram
Oh, get out, skeleton man!
Toby Flenderson
I can refer you to someone to talk to.
Andy Bernard
(his phone rings) Huh? Hold on.
Toby Flenderson
Give you a name or-
Andy Bernard
I just gonna- quick- (answers phone) Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. (inhales, hangs up) Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!
Jim Halpert
Oh boy.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Andy.
Oscar Martinez
What?
Andy Bernard
I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Oscar Martinez
David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.
Andy Bernard
Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum "Suck It" to the U.S. military.
Jim Halpert
Andy, come on.
Kevin Malone
Even I know that's weird.
Andy Bernard
I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Stop saying my name.
Erin Hannon
No, he's not making this up.
Andy Bernard
Thank you, Erin.
Erin Hannon
Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.
Pam Beesly
But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
Erin Hannon
Oh my God.
Andy Bernard
Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.
Toby Flenderson
Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(into phone) Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.

Scene 32

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there.
Ravi
I do adore you.

Scene 33

24 lines
Robert California
Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I know.
Robert California
Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. (drinks coconut penis energy drink) Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Others
Hey!
David Wallace
Hey guys, long time.
Pam Beesly
David, what are you doing here?
Phyllis Vance
Is it true you're buying the company?
David Wallace
Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy-
Andy Bernard
What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager?
David Wallace
I'll get to that in a second, Andy.
Andy Bernard
But it's- it is- it is me? Right?
David Wallace
Yes, as we've discussed-
Andy Bernard
What?
David Wallace
But it's very possible-
Andy Bernard
Oh my God!
David Wallace
Probable.
Andy Bernard
Wow. From janitor to manager?
David Wallace
Yep.
Andy Bernard
That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.
David Wallace
There's an official announcement, a few details to be-
Andy Bernard
From total loss to total boss, I mean-
Stanley Hudson
Can we expect any payroll interruptions?
David Wallace
Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up-

Scene 34

1 line
Andy Bernard
I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would.

Scene 35

14 lines
Phyllis Vance
So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David Wallace
Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert California
Oof. (laughs) Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. (laughs) I'm actually the CEO.
David Wallace
Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert California
Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David Wallace
Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert California
Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.
David Wallace
Pleasure.
Robert California
I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place.
David Wallace
That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that.
Robert California
Please. (laughs)
Andy Bernard
Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Jim Halpert
Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.
Andy Bernard
Gosh, I hope so.

Scene 36

5 lines
Angela Martin
No! God, Mose! God!
Mose
Hi, Angela.
Angela Martin
Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?
Mose
I'm not supposed to say.
Angela Martin
Yes! (slaps Mose) Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here!

Scene 37

3 lines
Darryl Philbin
(taking photo with Jada) Let's see that smile. Go on. (waves to Val)
Val
(stands next to him) Right here?
Darryl Philbin
Cool.

Scene 38

1 line
Andy Bernard
Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.

Scene 39

7 lines
Nellie Bertram
May I say one thing?
Andy Bernard
It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.
Nellie Bertram
The quality of mercy is not strained.
Andy Bernard
No.
Nellie Bertram
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
Andy Bernard
Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
Nellie Bertram
It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.

Scene 40

1 line
Andy Bernard
I just want one mother(bleep) delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?

Scene 41

3 lines
Andy Bernard
If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?
Nellie Bertram
Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want.
Andy Bernard
All right, you sly bastard. When can you start?

Scene 42

10 lines
David Wallace
Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him.
Meredith Palmer
Ouch. That's gotta hurt!
David Wallace
But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.
Robert California
David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women.
David Wallace
I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.
Robert California
Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.
Andy Bernard
Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Robert California
Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun.
Andy Bernard
Mm. Mm-hmm. (they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips)
Robert California
It's been a great year.

Scene 43

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Angela Martin
Where is it?
Dwight Schrute
They're testing it now.
Angela Martin
How long does it take to get the results?
Dwight Schrute
Seventy-two hours.
Angela Martin
You're gonna wait here?
Dwight Schrute
Yes. (Angela sits and holds his hand)
Angela Martin
(Dwight kisses her) Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!

Scene 44

5 lines
The Senator
Hey.
Oscar Martinez
Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you?
The Senator
You didn't call.
Oscar Martinez
Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me...
The Senator
You know what this is about. (covers Phillip's eyes) Call.