Every line from The Office episode "Lotto", season 8 episode 3.
Dwight Schrute: ....back orders and you never called them.
Oscar Martinez: Can you believe this?
Erin Hannon: There's a dog in the car.
Oscar Martinez: You can't leave a dog in a parked car. (points to “I'd rather be snowboarding” bumper sticker) Snowboarder, it figures.
Jim Halpert: Do Snowboarders hate animals?
Oscar Martinez: I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Andy Bernard: Oscar, it's not that hot out.
Darryl Philbin: A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Andy Bernard: Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight.
Kelly Kapoor: So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?
Kevin Malone: Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.
Dwight Schrute: OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. (Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car) Come on.
Jim Halpert: Dwight! At least aim it.
Dwight Schrute: There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.
Andy Bernard: We're losing cloud cover.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.
Oscar Martinez: This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. (Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron)
Jim Halpert: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Oscar Martinez: Come on buddy, get back.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! (Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers)
Jim Halpert: Alright! Nice job, Oscar!
Oscar Martinez: And one for good measure! (Busts out taillight, group applauds)
Jim Halpert: So...ah, who's gonna take the dog?
Oscar Martinez: Why would we take the dog?
Jim Halpert: What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Oscar Martinez: Jim, he's not gonna star- (Dog lunges for open window and barks)
Oscar Martinez: Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay.
Dwight Schrute: Nein. Sits. (snaps as dog calms) Goot.
Jim Halpert: Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?
Oscar Martinez: (Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window) There we go. That should do it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that's pretty good.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, that'll work.
Kelly Kapoor: That'll work.
Dwight Schrute: Bye poochie!
Kelly Kapoor: Bye. (Andy barks)
Meredith Palmer: Bye! (Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.)
Oscar Martinez: What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?
Meredith Palmer: We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.
Oscar Martinez: At least.
Jim Halpert: I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.
Dwight Schrute: I know what you'd do with all that money. (imitating Jim) “Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.”
Jim Halpert: No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.
Pam Beesly: And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?
Jim Halpert: Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?
Pam Beesly: I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo...
Ryan Howard: SoHo's mostly lofts but OK.
Pam Beesly: And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting...
Pam Beesly: And then my handsome husband...
Jim Halpert: Which ideally would be me....
Pam Beesly: Would bring me a flavored coffee.
Jim Halpert: Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?
Pam Beesly: Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters.
Jim Halpert: I don't know about Stephen King, I mean...
Meredith Palmer: (under her breath) get a divorce...get a divorce...
Andy Bernard: Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. (lowers voice) To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. (normal voice) Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys?
Darryl Philbin: I don't know.
Andy Bernard: What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what?
Andy Bernard: Are they on their way over?
Darryl Philbin: I haven't hired anyone.
Phyllis Vance: What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it.
Darryl Philbin: I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week.
Andy Bernard: This is kinda time sensitive.
Darryl Philbin: I got it. I'm doin' it.
Phyllis Vance: Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client.
Andy Bernard: Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? (Erin raises hand)
Erin Hannon: As long as you guys don't need me up here.
Phyllis Vance: No..we don't
Dwight Schrute: I think we'll be fine. (group murmurs in agreement)
Oscar Martinez: Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?
Andy Bernard: Are you volunteering?
Oscar Martinez: Of course. I would. But my hip....I would kill to be at a hundred percent. (Angela rolls eyes)
Andy Bernard: Jim! How 'bout you?
Jim Halpert: Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you...
Dwight Schrute: Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. (grunts) False. Andy, I will volunteer.
Andy Bernard: Great. And Kevin.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly: Wait, wait. What's this? (holds up clipboard)
Angela Martin: Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool.
Pam Beesly: It says “Lotto Pool”, right on top. (points to obvious title)
Angela Martin: Yeah. And I said sorry.
Pam Beesly: Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby?
Darryl Philbin: When did I get so fat?
Andy Bernard: You look awesome.
Darryl Philbin: I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.
Andy Bernard: Where are we in the process?
Darryl Philbin: I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process.
Andy Bernard: Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
Darryl Philbin: The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
Andy Bernard: You do have a fantastic basement.
Darryl Philbin: I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.
Andy Bernard: Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. (attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it)Hey! There ya go...there he is.
Andy Bernard: Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.(no one laughs) What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
Darryl Philbin: You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Female Applicant: Your old crew won the lottery?
Andy Bernard: Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?
Male Applicant 1: Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?
Darryl Philbin: One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. (Andy laughs awkwardly)
Andy Bernard: Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. (group begins leaving) maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy....You know what? Just have a donut. (shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.) Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing?
Andy Bernard: You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so...
Darryl Philbin: Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers.
Andy Bernard: Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about.
Andy Bernard: We need you, OK?
Andy Bernard: Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.
Darryl Philbin: Why do you wanna work here?
Male Applicant 1: I need a job.
Darryl Philbin: That's not a good reason.
Andy Bernard: Good. Keepin' 'em honest.
Darryl Philbin: Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you’re still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change.
Andy Bernard: Are we scaring them straight....?
Darryl Philbin: I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.
Ryan Howard: Nice. Right back where I like you. (Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin) Can you make ten copies of this for me?
Ryan Howard: Why not? What are you doing?
Pam Beesly: Uh, buying lottery tickets online. (Ryan laughs)
Ryan Howard: Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.
Pam Beesly: You came in at 10:30 today, right?
Ryan Howard: OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)??????
Kevin Malone: (On all fours with a box on his back) OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back.
Jim Halpert: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight Schrute: Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.
Jim Halpert: Yeah (laughs and then notices camera) Not that they're not smart people.
Dwight Schrute: (Noticing camera) No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.
Jim Halpert: I'd go with that.
Dwight Schrute: Like baboons or elephants.
Jim Halpert: Not that, don't...
Kevin Malone: Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh.
Jim Halpert: It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just-
Kevin Malone: Yeah we move stuff and it was fun.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin! Doesn't apply.
Kevin Malone: Right. My mom-
Erin Hannon: (grabbing Kevin's arm) You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! (Kevin tears up)
Darryl Philbin: Did you hire 'em?
Andy Bernard: No. Because they all left.
Darryl Philbin: What do you mean “they left”?
Andy Bernard: I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn’t help.
Darryl Philbin: Then I think you should fire me.
Andy Bernard: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. Just put me out of my misery.
Andy Bernard: …..OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke.
Darryl Philbin: No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me.
Andy Bernard: Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy.
Oscar Martinez: Bulk or definition?
Andy Bernard: Definition.
Oscar Martinez: Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.
Andy Bernard: Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Oscar Martinez: Oh, he's plenty strong.
Pam Beesly: So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings....
Jim Halpert: Our fake winnings
Pam Beesly: And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France.
Jim Halpert: It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it.
Pam Beesly: Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.
Jim Halpert: Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. (Pam sighs)
Dwight Schrute: Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?
Jim Halpert: A...hot chocolate tea
Andy Bernard: Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Gideon: North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version.
Andy Bernard: Great....Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse.
Gideon: FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
Andy Bernard: Eh, cool. We'll figure that out.
Nate Nickerson: Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.
Andy Bernard: Got it. Dually noted. You! (points to Bruce) Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
Andy Bernard: So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.
Jim Halpert: So, it's not the dumbest idea.
Dwight Schrute: It's not the greatest one either...
Jim Halpert: But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes.
Dwight Schrute: And it's clear we're not going to carry them. (Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor)
Jim Halpert: So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.
Kevin Malone: I think we're ready to give thi- (Kevin slips on grease and falls) Jim?
Dwight Schrute: Yep. He'll be fine.
Andy Bernard: Surprise! Your new crew.
Darryl Philbin: Would you just fire me, man?
Andy Bernard: Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Darryl Philbin: You wanna make me happy? Huh?
Darryl Philbin: Give me your job.
Andy Bernard: Haha, what?
Darryl Philbin: I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me.
Andy Bernard: I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.
Nate Nickerson: Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises...
Andy Bernard: Nate! Please....thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that?
Andy Bernard: He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it?
Nate Nickerson: What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a-
Andy Bernard: None, no part of this has anything to do with you.
Darryl Philbin: I didn't have time because of my daughter.
Andy Bernard: Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class.
Darryl Philbin: Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
Andy Bernard: Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. (long pause)
Darryl Philbin: OK, don't fire me.
Darryl Philbin: I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. (laughs) That makes sense. OK. Good, alright.
Andy Bernard: What is goin' on?! (shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes)
Kevin Malone: Oh hey guys.
Darryl Philbin: Why is the forklift in the wall?
Andy Bernard: Why is the truck empty?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, it's not totally empty.
Darryl Philbin: Is that grease on my floor?
Dwight Schrute: OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.
Darryl Philbin: And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
Kevin Malone: OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them.
Jim Halpert: OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.
Dwight Schrute: I don't know.
Erin Hannon: Jim? Tell them what it's called.
Jim Halpert: That's alright.
Kevin Malone: No Jim, tell 'em what a name is.
Jim Halpert: Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid.
Kevin Malone: (laughing) Señor Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim.
Jim Halpert: That's OK, we're good.
Andy Bernard: No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Señor Loadenstein.
Jim Halpert: Porque es muy rapido.
Dwight Schrute: OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.
Darryl Philbin: Let me see it.
Dwight Schrute: It's uh, it's in beta testing.
Darryl Philbin: Let me see it!
Dwight Schrute: Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.
Dwight & Erin & Jim & Kevin: Uno! Dos! Tres! (Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts)
Pam Beesly: We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Jim Halpert: Right. It's city and country combined.
Pam Beesly: Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
Jim Halpert: And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.
Pam Beesly: Just like now.
Jim Halpert: (laughs) Just like now....too bad the schools are terrible.
Jim Halpert: But what are you gonna do about that?
Pam Beesly: What are you gonna do?
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 8. Lotto is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.