Lotto

The warehouse crew finally hit it big and left everyone else to pick up the slack. Every line from the episode is right here, from Darryl’s mid-life crisis to the grease-slicked disaster that was Señor Loadenstein. You can see exactly how the office handles warehouse duty when they have no idea what they're doing.

Dwight Schrute
....back orders and you never called them.
Oscar Martinez
Can you believe this?
Erin Hannon
There's a dog in the car.
Oscar Martinez
You can't leave a dog in a parked car. (points to “I'd rather be snowboarding” bumper sticker) Snowboarder, it figures.
Jim Halpert
Do Snowboarders hate animals?
Oscar Martinez
I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Andy Bernard
Oscar, it's not that hot out.
Darryl Philbin
A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Andy Bernard
Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight.
Kelly Kapoor
So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?
Kevin Malone
Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.
Dwight Schrute
OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. (Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car) Come on.
Jim Halpert
Dwight! At least aim it.
Dwight Schrute
There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.
Andy Bernard
We're losing cloud cover.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.
Oscar Martinez
This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. (Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron)
Jim Halpert
Whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Oscar Martinez
Come on buddy, get back.
Dwight Schrute
Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! (Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers)
Jim Halpert
Alright! Nice job, Oscar!
Oscar Martinez
And one for good measure! (Busts out taillight, group applauds)
Jim Halpert
So...ah, who's gonna take the dog?
Oscar Martinez
Why would we take the dog?
Jim Halpert
What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Oscar Martinez
Jim, he's not gonna star- (Dog lunges for open window and barks)
Meredith Palmer
Whoa!
Oscar Martinez
Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay.
Dwight Schrute
Nein. Sits. (snaps as dog calms) Goot.
Jim Halpert
Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?
Oscar Martinez
(Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window) There we go. That should do it.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, that'll work.
Kelly Kapoor
That'll work.
Jim Halpert
Nice job.
Dwight Schrute
Bye poochie!
Kelly Kapoor
Bye. (Andy barks)
Meredith Palmer
Bye! (Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.)
Pam Beesly
What's that come to? Like, what did they each win?
Jim Halpert
Oh man, it's gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars.
Pam Beesly
Awesome.
Dwight Schrute
Before taxes.
Phyllis Vance
That's still a lot of money!
Andy Bernard
The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. (shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office) This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.
Darryl Philbin
(On phone) Hello?....Justine! (laughs) Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?....Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won....Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?....Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- (hangs up) Whoops.
Darryl Philbin
When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won … playing my birthday.
Oscar Martinez
What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah.
Meredith Palmer
We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.
Oscar Martinez
At least.
Jim Halpert
I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.
Dwight Schrute
I know what you'd do with all that money. (imitating Jim) “Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.”
Jim Halpert
No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.
Pam Beesly
And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?
Jim Halpert
Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?
Pam Beesly
I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo...
Ryan Howard
SoHo's mostly lofts but OK.
Pam Beesly
And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting...
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, god.
Pam Beesly
And then my handsome husband...
Jim Halpert
Which ideally would be me....
Pam Beesly
Would bring me a flavored coffee.
Jim Halpert
Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?
Pam Beesly
Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters.
Jim Halpert
I don't know about Stephen King, I mean...
Meredith Palmer
(under her breath) get a divorce...get a divorce...
Kelly Kapoor
I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year....I mean obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean I'm getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill.
Andy Bernard
Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. (lowers voice) To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. (normal voice) Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys?
Darryl Philbin
I don't know.
Andy Bernard
What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what?
Darryl Philbin
No.
Andy Bernard
Are they on their way over?
Darryl Philbin
I haven't hired anyone.
Phyllis Vance
What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it.
Darryl Philbin
I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week.
Andy Bernard
This is kinda time sensitive.
Darryl Philbin
I got it. I'm doin' it.
Phyllis Vance
Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client.
Andy Bernard
Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? (Erin raises hand)
Erin Hannon
As long as you guys don't need me up here.
Phyllis Vance
No..we don't
Dwight Schrute
I think we'll be fine. (group murmurs in agreement)
Oscar Martinez
Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?
Andy Bernard
Are you volunteering?
Oscar Martinez
Of course. I would. But my hip....I would kill to be at a hundred percent. (Angela rolls eyes)
Andy Bernard
Jim! How 'bout you?
Jim Halpert
Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you...
Dwight Schrute
Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. (grunts) False. Andy, I will volunteer.
Andy Bernard
Great. And Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thank you.
Angela Martin
Sure.
Pam Beesly
Wait, wait. What's this? (holds up clipboard)
Angela Martin
Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool.
Pam Beesly
It says “Lotto Pool”, right on top. (points to obvious title)
Angela Martin
Yeah. And I said sorry.
Pam Beesly
Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby?
Darryl Philbin
When did I get so fat?
Andy Bernard
You look awesome.
Darryl Philbin
I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.
Andy Bernard
Where are we in the process?
Darryl Philbin
I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process.
Andy Bernard
Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
Darryl Philbin
The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
Andy Bernard
You do have a fantastic basement.
Darryl Philbin
I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.
Andy Bernard
Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. (attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it)Hey! There ya go...there he is.
Andy Bernard
That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.
Jim Halpert
OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That's seventy-five boxes per person, so that's not so bad.
Dwight Schrute
Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! (climbs into forklift)
Jim Halpert
Nice. (Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse) Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh!
Kevin Malone
Damn! (Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.)
Dwight Schrute
Yup.
Andy Bernard
Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.(no one laughs) What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
Darryl Philbin
You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Female Applicant
Your old crew won the lottery?
Andy Bernard
Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?
Male Applicant 1
Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?
Darryl Philbin
Oh yeah.
Andy Bernard
Well-
Darryl Philbin
One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. (Andy laughs awkwardly)
Andy Bernard
Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. (group begins leaving) maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy....You know what? Just have a donut. (shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.) Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing?
Darryl Philbin
I don't
Andy Bernard
You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so...
Darryl Philbin
Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers.
Andy Bernard
Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about.
Darryl Philbin
OK.
Andy Bernard
We need you, OK?
Darryl Philbin
OK.
Andy Bernard
OK?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
(Grunts while lifting box into truck) What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. (Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses)
Erin Hannon
I didn't feel anything.
Andy Bernard
Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.
Darryl Philbin
Why do you wanna work here?
Male Applicant 1
I need a job.
Darryl Philbin
That's not a good reason.
Andy Bernard
Good. Keepin' 'em honest.
Darryl Philbin
Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you’re still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change.
Andy Bernard
Are we scaring them straight....?
Darryl Philbin
I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.
Darryl Philbin
I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?
Ryan Howard
Nice. Right back where I like you. (Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin) Can you make ten copies of this for me?
Pam Beesly
No.
Ryan Howard
Why not? What are you doing?
Pam Beesly
Uh, buying lottery tickets online. (Ryan laughs)
Ryan Howard
Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.
Pam Beesly
You came in at 10:30 today, right?
Ryan Howard
OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)??????
Andy Bernard
Is everyone licensed?
Male Applicant 2
Like a driver's license?
Andy Bernard
No. Warehouse license....Masters in warehouse sciences?...I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.
Female Applicant
Is this a joke?
Andy Bernard
No. Not joking. This is real....painfully real, what is happening right now.
Kevin Malone
(On all fours with a box on his back) OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back.
Jim Halpert
There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight Schrute
Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.
Jim Halpert
Yeah (laughs and then notices camera) Not that they're not smart people.
Dwight Schrute
(Noticing camera) No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.
Jim Halpert
I'd go with that.
Dwight Schrute
Like baboons or elephants.
Jim Halpert
Not that, don't...
Kevin Malone
Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh.
Jim Halpert
It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just-
Kevin Malone
Yeah we move stuff and it was fun.
Dwight Schrute
Kevin! Doesn't apply.
Kevin Malone
Right. My mom-
Erin Hannon
(grabbing Kevin's arm) You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! (Kevin tears up)
Andy Bernard
Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? (raises hand and laughs) You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um...
Male Applicant 1
How much longer is this gonna take?
Darryl Philbin
Did you hire 'em?
Andy Bernard
No. Because they all left.
Darryl Philbin
What do you mean “they left”?
Andy Bernard
I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn’t help.
Darryl Philbin
Then I think you should fire me.
Andy Bernard
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah. Just put me out of my misery.
Andy Bernard
…..OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke.
Darryl Philbin
No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me.
Andy Bernard
So Darryl says to me “fire me”. But what he really means is “I'm gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.” So I say “No, you're not fired.” But what I really mean is “I have no idea what your talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.”........I really hope that's what he and I mean.
Andy Bernard
Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy.
Oscar Martinez
Bulk or definition?
Andy Bernard
Definition.
Oscar Martinez
Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.
Andy Bernard
Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Oscar Martinez
Oh, he's plenty strong.
Oscar Martinez
It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell.
Pam Beesly
So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings....
Jim Halpert
Our fake winnings
Pam Beesly
And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France.
Jim Halpert
It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it.
Pam Beesly
Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.
Jim Halpert
Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. (Pam sighs)
Dwight Schrute
Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?
Jim Halpert
A...hot chocolate tea
Andy Bernard
Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Gideon
North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version.
Andy Bernard
Great....Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse.
Gideon
FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
Andy Bernard
Eh, cool. We'll figure that out.
Nate Nickerson
Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.
Andy Bernard
Got it. Dually noted. You! (points to Bruce) Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
Bruce
Made it.
Andy Bernard
So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.
Dwight Schrute
Message in a Bottle, The Postman...
Jim Halpert
Kevin Costner.
Dwight Schrute
Kevin Costner.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. (Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse)
Kevin Malone
So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
Erin Hannon
You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!
Jim Halpert
So, it's not the dumbest idea.
Dwight Schrute
It's not the greatest one either...
Jim Halpert
But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes.
Dwight Schrute
And it's clear we're not going to carry them. (Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor)
Jim Halpert
So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.
Dwight Schrute
Exactly.
Kevin Malone
I think we're ready to give thi- (Kevin slips on grease and falls) Jim?
Jim Halpert
Is he OK?
Dwight Schrute
Yep. He'll be fine.
Andy Bernard
Surprise! Your new crew.
Darryl Philbin
Would you just fire me, man?
Andy Bernard
Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Darryl Philbin
You wanna make me happy? Huh?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Darryl Philbin
Give me your job.
Andy Bernard
Haha, what?
Darryl Philbin
I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me.
Andy Bernard
I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.
Nate Nickerson
Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises...
Andy Bernard
Nate! Please....thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that?
Darryl Philbin
He died.
Andy Bernard
He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it?
Nate Nickerson
What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a-
Andy Bernard
None, no part of this has anything to do with you.
Darryl Philbin
I didn't have time because of my daughter.
Andy Bernard
Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class.
Darryl Philbin
Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
Andy Bernard
Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. (long pause)
Darryl Philbin
OK.
Andy Bernard
OK what?
Darryl Philbin
OK, don't fire me.
Andy Bernard
Ah, OK.
Darryl Philbin
My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.
Darryl Philbin
I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. (laughs) That makes sense. OK. Good, alright.
Kevin Malone
Here...
Andy Bernard
What is goin' on?! (shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes)
Kevin Malone
Oh hey guys.
Darryl Philbin
Why is the forklift in the wall?
Andy Bernard
Why is the truck empty?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, it's not totally empty.
Darryl Philbin
Is that grease on my floor?
Dwight Schrute
OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.
Darryl Philbin
And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
Kevin Malone
OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them.
Jim Halpert
OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.
Darryl Philbin
And?
Erin Hannon
And we did.
Dwight Schrute
I don't know.
Erin Hannon
Jim? Tell them what it's called.
Jim Halpert
That's alright.
Kevin Malone
No Jim, tell 'em what a name is.
Jim Halpert
Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid.
Kevin Malone
(laughing) Señor Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim.
Jim Halpert
That's OK, we're good.
Erin Hannon
Jim...
Andy Bernard
No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Señor Loadenstein.
Jim Halpert
Porque es muy rapido.
Dwight Schrute
OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.
Darryl Philbin
Let me see it.
Dwight Schrute
It's uh, it's in beta testing.
Darryl Philbin
Let me see it!
Dwight Schrute
Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.
Dwight & Erin & Jim & Kevin
Uno! Dos! Tres! (Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts)
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I lost my client.
Creed Bratton
I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.
Toby Flenderson
I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. (whispers) Flenderson files.
Pam Beesly
We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Jim Halpert
Right. It's city and country combined.
Pam Beesly
Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
Jim Halpert
And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.
Pam Beesly
Just like now.
Jim Halpert
(laughs) Just like now....too bad the schools are terrible.
Pam Beesly
Oh..
Jim Halpert
But what are you gonna do about that?
Pam Beesly
What are you gonna do?