Every line from The Office episode "Garden Party", season 8 episode 4.
Andy Bernard: Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?
Andy Bernard: Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company.
Meredith Palmer: (entering office) Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it.
Andy Bernard: Which one did you see?
Meredith Palmer: Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it.
Jim Halpert: Okay, don't be gross.
Dwight Schrute: (entering office) What's going on?
Pam Beesly: Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! (running from building) No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! (stopping in front of defaced billboard) NOOOOOOOOO!
Dwight Schrute: Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.
Ryan Howard: Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.
Dwight Schrute: It's simpler this way.
Oscar Martinez: It's really not.
Andy Bernard: Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't get the reason for this party.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, what's the reason?
Kelly Kapoor: What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason?
Andy Bernard: It's just a garden party. Sheesh.
Andy Bernard: Few other super simple reminders – no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?
Darryl Philbin: What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?
Andy Bernard: I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... step it up.
Oscar Martinez: Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, it's just a picnic.
Andy Bernard: This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it's a garden party.
Darryl Philbin: There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring.
Andy Bernard: Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules.
Pam Beesly: How is that better than a barbecue?
Ryan Howard: What's the dress code on this?
Andy Bernard: I'm glad you asked – Connecticut Casual.
Stanley Hudson: Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party.
Andy Bernard: Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother's promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there's a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet. (video playing on computer)
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this.
Darryl Philbin: I've seen this, that's not you.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?
Andy Bernard: It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time.
Jim Halpert: Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, of course. Ye... I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. (groans from the group)
Phyllis Vance: Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California?
Angela Martin: Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?
Angela Martin: I've already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?
Pam Beesly: Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier.
Pam Beesly: Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don't, don't say anything, okay? It's after my grandfather.
Angela Martin: Phillip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat.
Pam Beesly: (giggling) Oh, wow. Funny. It's after my grandfather.
Angela Martin: It's after my cat.
Robert California: (on the phone) Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade.
Andy Bernard: Ooh, that sounds great.
Robert California: Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade.
Robert California: You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Andy Bernard: Uh, I'll hear the other one.
Robert California: It's a basil plant.
Andy Bernard: You know, the marmalade sounds great.
Robert California: I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested.
Andy Bernard: Then the basil will be fine.
Robert California: Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. (hangs up)
Toby Flenderson: Hey, where do I park?
Mose: I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby Flenderson: Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself.
Mose: I'm the... I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby Flenderson: It's probably okay...
Toby Flenderson: I think it's better that I...
Toby Flenderson: It's a finicky car...
Mose: Get out. Have a good time at the thing.
Toby Flenderson: It's a little tricky, you might have to... take... (Mose speeds away)
Andy Bernard: How's it going over here, guys?
Oscar Martinez: Andy, stop hovering, you're being really annoying.
Andy Bernard: Didn't mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.
Dwight Schrute: MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!
Walter: So, you all work with Andy.
Andy Bernard: Well, technically FOR Andy.
Oscar Martinez: Technically FOR Robert California. He's our CEO.
Ellen: I thought you were the CEO.
Andy Bernard: I don't know how you got there.
Walter: You said you were running the company.
Andy Bernard: This branch, I'm the regional manager.
Walter: Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers?
Andy Bernard: Can I introduce you around now?
Walter: Uh, yeah, we don't have too long, we have theater tickets.
Andy Bernard: What are you going to see?
Walter: Money Ball. Walter Jr.'s choice.
Andy Bernard: I didn't know you were going to be here.
Walter Jr: I wouldn't have missed it.
Walter Jr: I'm Walter, Andy's younger brother.
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey, how are you doing, I'm Jim.
Walter Jr: Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam (looking at Meredith).
Meredith Palmer: Hell no. She wishes.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, no, no. No.
Dwight Schrute: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!
Robert California: Hello Andy.
Robert California: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad.
Robert California: Yes, hello, nice to meet you.
Robert California: Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?
Andy Bernard: Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade.
Robert California: No, I'm certain you said basil.
Andy Bernard: So pretty today.
Ellen: It's getting chilly.
Walter: We really should be leaving.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn't make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff.
Kevin Malone: Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California.
Gabe Lewis: I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,...
Andy Bernard: You can't triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.
Robert California: I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, yeah.
Robert California: You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.
Gabe Lewis: To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you...
Andy Bernard: Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage!
Walter: I'm eating, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Ah, come on!
Walter: What do you want to do?
Andy Bernard: Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? (starts playing guitar)
Walter: Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It's a little tricky.
Andy Bernard: (singing) Saying I love you is not the words...
Walter: It's high but it's not that high.
Andy Bernard: Right, it feels strange.
Walter: Just take it down a little.
Andy Bernard: Saying I love... Saying I love you...
Walter: Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like... (singing) Saying I love you is...
Andy & Walter: ...not the words...
Walter: You don't come in yet. (singing) ...I want to hear from you, It's not that I want you...
Andy & Walter: ...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real...
Andy Bernard: Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!
Erin Hannon: (holding up cell phone) It's either taping or calling.
Andy & Walter: What would you do if my heart was torn in two...
Walter: You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don't you come up and join us?
Walter Jr: Dad, no. I'm just having a good time getting to know Andy's friends here.
Meredith Palmer: Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you'll never be able to sing again. Woo!
Walter & Walter Jr: (singing) May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you'd have done to you...
Andy Bernard: (applauds) Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar.
Erin's Cell Phone: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Dwight Schrute: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert California: Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert California: Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight Schrute: I can get you exotic meats – hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...
Robert California: We'll talk. (walks away)
Dwight Schrute: It'll all be goat.
Andy Bernard: Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call.
Walter: (knocks) Hi. What was that display?
Andy Bernard: I don't know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me.
Andy Bernard: I know, I know that you're proud of me.
Walter: I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You're a grown man, don't act like a little boy who needs...
Darryl Philbin: I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.
Oscar Martinez: Guess we found Andy's rosebud.
Oscar Martinez: It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Darryl Philbin: I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.
Oscar Martinez: Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.
Darryl Philbin: No. You're wrong.
Jim Halpert: I think I left my wallet in your house.
Dwight Schrute: Who cares.
Dwight Schrute: MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim Halpert: Keys, keys...
Dwight Schrute: Stop forgetting things.
Jim Halpert: I didn't forget them, they're right here.
Dwight Schrute: MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim Halpert: I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing...
Dwight Schrute: What? Idiot.
Dwight Schrute: MIS... MI... What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?
Dwight Schrute: That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 8. Garden Party is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.