Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Garden Party

Vol. 8 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the "Garden Party" episode where Andy tries way too hard to impress his parents and Robert California. You'll find the full script from start to finish, covering Dwight's ridiculous hosting rules and Mose's brief career as a valet at Schrute Farms.

Scene 01

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(entering office) Hey. So, we saw a new billboard.
Andy Bernard
Yeah? Pretty cool, huh?

Scene 02

1 line
Andy Bernard
What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?

Scene 03

5 lines
Andy Bernard
How'd it look?
Jim Halpert
You've seen it, right?
Andy Bernard
No.
Pam Beesly
Andy, somebody defaced it.
Andy Bernard
What? (Stanley enters office laughing) Morning, Stanley.

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.

Scene 05

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?
Erin Hannon
Six months.
Andy Bernard
Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company.
Meredith Palmer
(entering office) Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it.
Andy Bernard
Which one did you see?
Meredith Palmer
Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it.
Jim Halpert
Okay, don't be gross.
Dwight Schrute
(entering office) What's going on?
Pam Beesly
Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! (running from building) No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! (stopping in front of defaced billboard) NOOOOOOOOO!

Scene 06

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.
Ryan Howard
Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.
Dwight Schrute
It's simpler this way.
Oscar Martinez
It's really not.
Andy Bernard
Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m.
Kelly Kapoor
I don't get the reason for this party.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, what's the reason?
Kelly Kapoor
What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason?
Andy Bernard
It's just a garden party. Sheesh.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
You don't need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't need a reason.

Scene 08

20 lines
Andy Bernard
Few other super simple reminders – no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?
Darryl Philbin
What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?
Andy Bernard
I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... step it up.
Oscar Martinez
Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, it's just a picnic.
Andy Bernard
This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it's a garden party.
Darryl Philbin
There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring.
Andy Bernard
Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules.
Pam Beesly
How is that better than a barbecue?
Ryan Howard
What's the dress code on this?
Andy Bernard
I'm glad you asked – Connecticut Casual.
Stanley Hudson
Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party.
Andy Bernard
Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother's promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there's a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet. (video playing on computer)
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this.
Darryl Philbin
I've seen this, that's not you.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?
Andy Bernard
It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time.
Jim Halpert
Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, of course. Ye... I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. (groans from the group)
Phyllis Vance
Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California?

Scene 09

1 line
Gabe Lewis
I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch?

Scene 10

2 lines
Andy Bernard
See you all there at 3 p.m., Connecticut Casual, remember your manners, and have a wonderful time.
Dwight Schrute
And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you.

Scene 11

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(pointing to computer monitor) So, we've typed in the address, now let's take a look at the street view. (picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw)
Dwight Schrute
They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by.
Jim Halpert
Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?
Dwight Schrute
There's so much more to it than that.

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. (holds up book, Throwing A Garden Party by James Trickington) Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. (laughs)

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. (holds up same book) I've only sold one copy.

Scene 14

9 lines
Angela Martin
Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?
Pam Beesly
Nope.
Angela Martin
I've already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?
Pam Beesly
Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier.
Angela Martin
Phillip?
Pam Beesly
Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don't, don't say anything, okay? It's after my grandfather.
Angela Martin
Phillip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat.
Pam Beesly
(giggling) Oh, wow. Funny. It's after my grandfather.
Angela Martin
It's after my cat.

Scene 15

11 lines
Robert California
(on the phone) Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade.
Andy Bernard
Ooh, that sounds great.
Robert California
Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade.
Andy Bernard
Sure.
Robert California
You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Andy Bernard
Uh, I'll hear the other one.
Robert California
It's a basil plant.
Andy Bernard
You know, the marmalade sounds great.
Robert California
I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested.
Andy Bernard
Then the basil will be fine.
Robert California
Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. (hangs up)

Scene 16

11 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey, where do I park?
Mose
I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby Flenderson
Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself.
Mose
I'm the... I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby Flenderson
It's probably okay...
Mose
Give me your car.
Toby Flenderson
I think it's better that I...
Mose
Give me your car.
Toby Flenderson
It's a finicky car...
Mose
Get out. Have a good time at the thing.
Toby Flenderson
It's a little tricky, you might have to... take... (Mose speeds away)

Scene 17

1 line
Dwight Schrute
MR. RYAN HOWARD!

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
Chapter 2 – Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!

Scene 20

5 lines
Andy Bernard
How's it going over here, guys?
Oscar Martinez
Andy, stop hovering, you're being really annoying.
Andy Bernard
Didn't mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.
Oscar Martinez
Wow.
Dwight Schrute
MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!

Scene 21

8 lines
Walter
So, you all work with Andy.
Andy Bernard
Well, technically FOR Andy.
Oscar Martinez
Technically FOR Robert California. He's our CEO.
Ellen
I thought you were the CEO.
Andy Bernard
I don't know how you got there.
Walter
You said you were running the company.
Andy Bernard
This branch, I'm the regional manager.
Walter
Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers?

Scene 22

1 line
Andy Bernard
Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn't care less.

Scene 23

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Can I introduce you around now?
Walter
Uh, yeah, we don't have too long, we have theater tickets.
Andy Bernard
What are you going to see?
Walter
Money Ball. Walter Jr.'s choice.
Andy Bernard
What??
Walter Jr
Hey Bronard!
Andy Bernard
I didn't know you were going to be here.
Walter Jr
I wouldn't have missed it.

Scene 24

1 line
Erin Hannon
Ahh! (bird steals her hat)

Scene 25

6 lines
Walter Jr
I'm Walter, Andy's younger brother.
Jim Halpert
Oh, hey, how are you doing, I'm Jim.
Walter Jr
Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam (looking at Meredith).
Jim Halpert
No.
Meredith Palmer
Hell no. She wishes.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no, no, no. No.

Scene 26

2 lines
Waiter
Sir, I need to be able to feed all the guests.
Kevin Malone
(mouthful of food) I understand.

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Set that down. (grabs waitress) Present yourself.

Scene 28

1 line
Jim Halpert
Chapter 4 – One of the host's most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.

Scene 29

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!
Robert California
Hello Andy.
Andy Bernard
Welcome.
Robert California
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad.
Robert California
Yes, hello, nice to meet you.
Walter
Pleasure.
Robert California
Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?
Andy Bernard
Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade.
Robert California
No, I'm certain you said basil.

Scene 30

3 lines
Ryan Howard
This is not funny, man, let me down.
Kevin Malone
I think this thing is broken.
Ryan Howard
It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works.

Scene 31

4 lines
Andy Bernard
So pretty today.
Ellen
It's getting chilly.
Walter
We really should be leaving.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn't make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff.

Scene 32

1 line
Andy Bernard
Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favorite part about toasts, the reciprocity.

Scene 33

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Let's hear from you guys, who do you want to toast?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I'll say something. I think we should be acknowledging our boss, because none of us would be here without him. Robert California! (everyone toasts)

Scene 34

1 line
Gabe Lewis
I can't believe I didn't think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress?

Scene 35

2 lines
Angela Martin
I would like to toast someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton!
Pam Beesly
I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather who I promised as a child long before tonight that I would one day name my son after him. To Phillip Halpert!

Scene 36

1 line
Angela Martin
She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again!

Scene 37

2 lines
Ryan Howard
I'd like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides.
Erin Hannon
I think we should toast...

Scene 38

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
Chapter 9 – The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party.

Scene 40

36 lines
Kevin Malone
Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California.
Gabe Lewis
I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,...
Andy Bernard
You can't triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.
Robert California
I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, yeah.
Robert California
You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.
Gabe Lewis
To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you...
Andy Bernard
Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage!
Walter
I'm eating, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Ah, come on!
Walter
Okay. Okay.
Andy Bernard
Yes!
Walter
What do you want to do?
Andy Bernard
Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? (starts playing guitar)
Walter
Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It's a little tricky.
Andy Bernard
(singing) Saying I love you is not the words...
Walter
It's too high.
Andy Bernard
Yeah?
Walter
It's high but it's not that high.
Andy Bernard
Right, it feels strange.
Walter
Just take it down a little.
Andy Bernard
Saying I love... Saying I love you...
Walter
Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like... (singing) Saying I love you is...
Andy & Walter
...not the words...
Walter
You don't come in yet. (singing) ...I want to hear from you, It's not that I want you...
Andy & Walter
...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real...
Andy Bernard
Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!
Erin Hannon
(holding up cell phone) It's either taping or calling.
Andy & Walter
What would you do if my heart was torn in two...
Walter
You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don't you come up and join us?
Walter Jr
Dad, no. I'm just having a good time getting to know Andy's friends here.
Meredith Palmer
Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you'll never be able to sing again. Woo!
Walter & Walter Jr
(singing) May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you'd have done to you...
Andy Bernard
(applauds) Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar.
Erin's Cell Phone
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Erin Hannon
Sorry.

Scene 41

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I am so cold.
Ryan Howard
That's because you didn't bring a jacket.

Scene 42

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert California
Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight Schrute
Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert California
Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight Schrute
I can get you exotic meats – hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...
Robert California
We'll talk. (walks away)
Dwight Schrute
It'll all be goat.

Scene 43

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call.
Walter
(knocks) Hi. What was that display?
Andy Bernard
I don't know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me.
Walter
Andrew...
Andy Bernard
I know, I know that you're proud of me.
Walter
I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You're a grown man, don't act like a little boy who needs...

Scene 44

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.
Oscar Martinez
Guess we found Andy's rosebud.
Darryl Philbin
Rosebud?
Oscar Martinez
It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Darryl Philbin
I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.
Oscar Martinez
Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.
Darryl Philbin
No. You're wrong.

Scene 45

3 lines
Robert California
Are you sure?
Ryan Howard
Yeah! I'm too hot anyway.
Robert California
My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? I've never been there! Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you.

Scene 46

3 lines
Walter
It was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food...
Ellen
Sandwiches were dry.
Walter Jr
Bye Tuna, bye Pam!

Scene 47

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey everybody, I'm gonna leave and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry.
Darryl Philbin
Cheeseburger or hamburger.
Andy Bernard
Um, cheeseburger.
Oscar Martinez
Narddog. (throws Andy a can)
Andy Bernard
Thanks, Oscar.

Scene 48

3 lines
Pam Beesly
What are they doing?
Jim Halpert
Closing ceremonies.
Pam Beesly
Nice touch.

Scene 49

14 lines
Jim Halpert
I think I left my wallet in your house.
Dwight Schrute
Who cares.
Jim Halpert
Right here.
Dwight Schrute
MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim Halpert
Keys, keys...
Dwight Schrute
Stop forgetting things.
Jim Halpert
I didn't forget them, they're right here.
Dwight Schrute
MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim Halpert
I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing...
Dwight Schrute
What? Idiot.
Jim Halpert
Whoo.
Dwight Schrute
MIS... MI... What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?
Dwight Schrute
That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!