Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Spooked

Vol. 8 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Robert California brings his son to the office for a Halloween party that gets a little too weird thanks to Gabe's "cinema of the unsettling." You'll find every line of dialogue right here, from Dwight's Starcraft bonding to Robert's terrifying final monologue. It's the best way to catch all those subtle jokes you might have missed during the ghost debate.

Scene 01

1 line
Andy Bernard
(looking at Angela's costume) Approved!

Scene 02

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(claps) Chef from South Park, it's genius!
Stanley Hudson
Just some chef.

Scene 03

1 line
Andy Bernard
I've decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.

Scene 04

4 lines
Kevin Malone
The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life.
Andy Bernard
Whoa! Aw, spoiler alert.
Kevin Malone
It's been out for ages, man.
Andy Bernard
Costume vetoed.

Scene 05

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Ah, it's, uh... somebody's already called that.
Phyllis Vance
Who?
Andy Bernard
Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.

Scene 06

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middleton's?
Andy Bernard
Guys, I know, I mean, I wish there could be, too. It's like, I can't choose. They're both amazing. It's just...
Kelly Kapoor
Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that gd wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn't even here.
Meredith Palmer
Because I was there. (shows Kelly her cell phone video) Your the people's princess! Diana was nothing!
Andy Bernard
I thought you were at your sister's funeral.
Meredith Palmer
What I said was, “My sister's funeral is this weekend.” Didn't say I'd be there.

Scene 07

1 line
Meredith Palmer
Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it.

Scene 08

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Um, can I, maybe, squeeze through?
Erin Hannon
Here you go.
Andy Bernard
There you go. Thank you.

Scene 09

1 line
Erin Hannon
When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker, they don't mention one of the best parts. After you're done dating, you still get to work together, every single day.

Scene 10

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Jim, put it on.
Darryl Philbin
Put it on, man.
Jim Halpert
I don't know if I can.
Kevin Malone
Come on, the Three Amigos.
Darryl Philbin
Three Kings.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third. They bought me this jersey. I said no. Kevin started crying. So, I am Chris Bosh.

Scene 12

7 lines
Ryan Howard
(to Kelly) If you get into season 1, you can really...
Kelly Kapoor
(Dwight walks in) Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute
It's called a costume.
Kelly Kapoor
What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman?
Dwight Schrute
Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?
Ryan Howard
Whoopi Goldberg.
Dwight Schrute
Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.

Scene 13

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Every Halloween I tell him the same thing - You can't bring weapons into the office, and every year he says the same thing - As soon as I get my weapons back I'm gonna kill you. But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know. I'm a lucky turkey.

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
Everybody looking good, this is, this is the best we can do? I'm not judging, I, I think you guys look great, I just... wanna make sure this is the best we can do?

Scene 15

1 line
Andy Bernard
I just got a text from Broccoli Rob - "Boo!" Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California - "Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high." Scared the s**t out of me.

Scene 16

3 lines
Andy Bernard
G'day, Pameroo. Could you shoot this off for me?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Australian accent...

Scene 17

12 lines
Pam Beesly
(faxing, Erin watching over her shoulder) What are you doing?
Erin Hannon
Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it, if you're doing something I don't.
Pam Beesly
Oh. (sends fax, Erin nods) Are you...
Erin Hannon
That Andy, so hot and cold. One day he's like, fax these documents, please. The next he's like, Pam, you fax them, who cares what Erin's feeling, right?
Pam Beesly
Oh, Erin...
Erin Hannon
Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
Pam Beesly
Um, 2?
Erin Hannon
That's like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
Pam Beesly
No, I mean, you're doing great, and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right?
Erin Hannon
Yeah...
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
Send completed. You are the best in the biz, I can't deny.

Scene 18

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour.
Oscar Martinez
I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man In Black I say hello.
Oscar Martinez
(sigh) What happened, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Okay. When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted. I didn't believe it until one day before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black, but when I turn around, there's no one there. So, I tell the cook my story...
Phyllis Vance
Wait, they have food there?
Pam Beesly
...and he said, That's what everyone sees, that's the Man In Black.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
No! My wife does not believe in ghosts.

Scene 20

10 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Jim Halpert
Oh, this Man In Black thing, what do you think that was about?
Pam Beesly
What do you mean?
Jim Halpert
Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was?
Pam Beesly
I saw a ghost.
Jim Halpert
Mmhmm. No, but what I'm saying is, like, do you ever wonder what it was?
Pam Beesly
It was a ghost, I told you this on, like, our first date.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it.
Pam Beesly
I don't know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost.

Scene 21

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack!
Robert California
Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are a laborer.
Andy Bernard
Yes.
Robert California
Everyone, this Bert, my son. Bert, this is... a paper company.
Bert
Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane.
Robert California
Here, use this one. (walking to Jim's desk)
Robert California
Oh, look, Pin The Wart On The Wench. How did you know I was bringing my son?
Erin Hannon
Oh, I didn't. It was for us, but he can play. Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game?
Bert
That stuff's for babies.
Robert California
Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us.
Andy Bernard
Wow, who shot our grown-up party with a kiddie raygun? We're still getting it set up, it's gonna be really cool.

Scene 22

21 lines
Robert California
(laughing) Extraordinary. Did you plan this?
Kelly Kapoor
Well, Toby and I did, yeah.
Gabe Lewis
And I overheard, and thought, hey, that'd be fun, don't mind if I do.
Toby Flenderson
If you turn out the lights we'll do a little dance.
Kelly Kapoor
1, 2, 3!
Gabe & Kelly & Toby
(singing and dancing) Dem bones, dem bones, dem tired bones, now we're the skeleton crew.
Robert California
(laughing and clapping) Delightful.
Kelly Kapoor
Thank you. (Gabe mumbles)
Robert California
Now then, how are we today?
Kelly Kapoor
Fine.
Toby Flenderson
Great.
Robert California
Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?
Kelly Kapoor
Mmhmm.
Robert California
You feeling fulfilled in your life?
Kelly Kapoor
I guess.
Robert California
You guess? So, there is something you want that you do not have.
Kelly Kapoor
I try not to think about it.
Robert California
Because it's too terrifying to imagine. Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?
Kelly Kapoor
Never marrying.
Robert California
Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?
Toby Flenderson
So great.

Scene 23

7 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh, I put those up.
Angela Martin
I know. I'm taking them down.
Phyllis Vance
I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y.
Erin Hannon
I don't know about this, guys, Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so...
Angela Martin
Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it?
Erin Hannon
Oh.
Angela Martin
So, can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings, because I hate all of this.

Scene 24

10 lines
Bert
Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea, warm air from South America, cold air from Greenland. All signs point to the perfect storm.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, perfectly mediocre.
Bert
What are you, anyway?
Dwight Schrute
I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul.
Bert
If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft.
Dwight Schrute
Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored.
Bert
If you're going to be a Zerg, at least be a Lurker, not some girl.
Dwight Schrute
Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!
Bert
Yeah, she also has boobs.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, but no nipples.

Scene 25

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Hey. What's up?
Erin Hannon
November's sure creeping up, ain't it? Can't stop that month!
Andy Bernard
Yeah...
Erin Hannon
Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know?
Andy Bernard
Um, I just thought you could use some help, you know, because Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed, and maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG.
Erin Hannon
But that's it? There's nothing about me, or I?
Andy Bernard
Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call, gotta make a call.
Erin Hannon
Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes, we can.
Andy Bernard
(pretending to be on the phone) Yes. (laughs) I don't know. Mmhmm.

Scene 26

12 lines
Erin Hannon
Gabe?
Gabe Lewis
Sweetheart.
Erin Hannon
I’m throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz.
Gabe Lewis
Ok where does Gabe factor in?
Erin Hannon
Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didn’t stop crying?
Gabe Lewis
Yes. Lars and Decocco’s
Erin Hannon
Ok. Let’s say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one. Just… more adult… more… scary and sexy
Gabe Lewis
I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.
Erin Hannon
No – just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.
Gabe Lewis
(laughs, eventually Erin joins him laughing) Oh that would be scary!
Erin Hannon
What are you thinking?
Gabe Lewis
Ok let me go get it.

Scene 27

17 lines
Pam Beesly
(answers phone) Pam Halpert.
Jim Halpert
Hey it’s Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I’ve read a lot about this really great documentary.
Pam Beesly
Is it called Ghostbusters?
Jim Halpert
(laughs) It’s called Ghostbusters.
Pam Beesly
It didn’t look like that.
Jim Halpert
It didn’t have a buster sign around him? Why don’t you draw him? Why don’t we see this whole thing.
Pam Beesly
Ok fine I’ll draw him. (hangs up phone and draws)
Jim Halpert
I ain’t fraid of no ghost. (Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised) Whoa!
Pam Beesly
Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick?
Dwight Schrute
It’s a root you idiot.
Bert
Everyone hates you.
Dwight Schrute
That’s really rude. I don’t tell you hurricanes suck even though it’s true.
Bert
What do you like? Tornadoes?
Dwight Schrute
Try influenza.
Bert
Oh yeah? What’s the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane?
Dwight Schrute
Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane’s coming. I suppose you’re going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?
Bert
Try a box jelly fish.

Scene 28

8 lines
Jim Halpert
You know that’s…
Robert California
What are we talking about?
Jim Halpert
I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too.
Robert California
(to Kevin) You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don’t scare you?
Kevin Malone
I’m only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don’t exist like ghosts or mummies.
Oscar Martinez
Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.
Kevin Malone
Yeah (nervously)…prank
Robert California
It’s true. They’ve been preserved for thousands of years. They’re all over.

Scene 29

1 line
Kevin Malone
(screaming) Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?!?

Scene 30

1 line
Erin Hannon
Witch’s brew?

Scene 31

1 line
Erin Hannon
I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room! Grownups are going to use it later! Oooh!

Scene 32

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Party looks fun doesn’t it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer.
Bert
I’m using it. I’m about to play Starcraft with him (points to Dwight).
Jim Halpert
(to Dwight) Are you serious?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah I’m serious.
Jim Halpert
That’s funny. Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Loser.
Bert
Yeah.

Scene 33

1 line
Angela Martin
Pam do you think anyone’s going to notice I’ve worn this costume before? When I wasn’t pregnant. You know I bet nobody would believe it still fits.

Scene 34

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey guys. I’m an Oscar (gestures to face) liar (gestures to nametag saying “Representative Weiner) weiner.
Ryan Howard
Oh my god!

Scene 35

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
This party’s tight. The fog is cool.
Erin Hannon
Thanks. It’s on medium.
Darryl Philbin
Perfect.
Andy Bernard
It really looks great. You did a great job.
Erin Hannon
Oh, so we don’t have to have that talk.
Andy Bernard
We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45? (Erin nods) Cool.

Scene 36

1 line
Erin Hannon
(in ghostly voice) Oookayyy everybody. Be prepared to be scared. Ok. (hits play on DVD player, “Do yes disturb meditations of horror” appears on screen, Gabe winks at Erin, on screen food deflates, a mouse crawls across a photograph of a woman, a person brushes very dirty teeth)

Scene 37

1 line
Gabe Lewis
The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea.

Scene 38

10 lines
Oscar Martinez
(cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into, a doll melts, a woman eats food and puckers her face) Is that my grandmother?
Andy Bernard
What’s the story?
Oscar Martinez
There is no story.
Gabe Lewis
Yeah it seems like there isn’t a narrative. (on screen a man gets into a car) Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.
Stanley Hudson
What the hell is going on here?
Andy Bernard
I think we’ve seen enough. You can turn it off now. (everyone murmurs agreement) Yeah turn it off now.
Stanley Hudson
How did you get in my car?
Oscar Martinez
Where is this from? That is so upsetting!
Andy Bernard
That was awful. Robert I apologize.
Erin Hannon
I’m sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now (grabs box). This game is called “pecker Poker”. (fighting tears) It’s the game of cards that gets you hard.

Scene 39

15 lines
Andy Bernard
What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Robert California
Why didn’t you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You’re obviously very close. (Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert). Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business (Robert sits).
Erin Hannon
All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so…
Robert California
You were going to talk at the end of the… I’m not here.
Andy Bernard
Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasn’t. (to Robert) I’m sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Robert California
I’m never uncomfortable.
Andy Bernard
Ok. Erin I think you know I’ve been dating someone.
Erin Hannon
Sure.
Andy Bernard
And it’s getting a little more serious. She’s never come by.
Erin Hannon
And she’s never called here. Unless it’s your mom.
Andy Bernard
No I didn’t want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it’s weird that she’s not calling.
Erin Hannon
Two dates? Three dates?
Andy Bernard
Thirty-one.
Erin Hannon
Wow. I’m so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. I’ll see you guys.
Robert California
I should go.

Scene 40

8 lines
Darryl Philbin
I just don't get it, Pam. I mean, you're a rational person.
Jim Halpert
(whispering) Thank you.
Pam Beesly
Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?
Jim Halpert
Careful, whoa. First of all, it's not like I think that's going to help the Eagles win.
Pam Beesly
Really.
Jim Halpert
No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. It's not...
Kevin Malone
Exactly.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.

Scene 41

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Go, get up there right now.
Bert
Got it.
Darryl Philbin
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B.
Bert
Unleash the hellstorm.
Darryl Philbin
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) Nice.
Darryl Philbin
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Got 'em. Go!

Scene 42

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Is she Asian?
Erin Hannon
I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. Maybe from the forest.
Phyllis Vance
Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?
Erin Hannon
I don't know, Phyllis. Maybe she's from the city.
Phyllis Vance
Hmm.

Scene 43

4 lines
Robert California
Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?
Creed Bratton
No...
Robert California
Are you scared of snakes?
Creed Bratton
You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.

Scene 44

1 line
Darryl Philbin
[in the bathroom with Robert[ Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive.

Scene 45

1 line
Meredith Palmer
(talking to Robert) Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps.

Scene 46

1 line
Robert California
(to camera) What am I up to?

Scene 47

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, "Mom, there's a ghost in my closet." Now, you say one of two things - one, "You're just having a bad dream," or two, "Let's go see what it was."
Pam Beesly
I'm not gonna freak her out, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Pam Beesly
I'm not gonna lie to her, either.
Jim Halpert
Oh, come on!
Robert California
When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. (hisses) She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.
Creed Bratton
Oh my goodness.
Robert California
The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby, for they were mummies.
Kevin Malone
Nooo!
Robert California
Amongst them was a man, tall, slim.
Meredith Palmer
Jim. (rolls eyes)
Robert California
Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Everytime she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you okay?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, "I'm fine, b!tch, I'm fine."
Bert
(laughs)

Scene 48

1 line
Robert California
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear.

Scene 49

7 lines
Bert
Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, hey, Bert. Wanna see the dance? Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry...
Bert
You're fired.
Toby Flenderson
...bones. What?
Bert
You heard me. Pack your things.
Toby Flenderson
What... you can't... Gabe? Are you...
Bert
I'm the CEO's son. Pack your things. You're done.