Every line from The Office episode "Spooked", season 8 episode 5.
Kevin Malone: The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! Aw, spoiler alert.
Kevin Malone: It's been out for ages, man.
Andy Bernard: Costume vetoed.
Kelly Kapoor: This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middleton's?
Andy Bernard: Guys, I know, I mean, I wish there could be, too. It's like, I can't choose. They're both amazing. It's just...
Kelly Kapoor: Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that gd wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn't even here.
Meredith Palmer: Because I was there. (shows Kelly her cell phone video) Your the people's princess! Diana was nothing!
Andy Bernard: I thought you were at your sister's funeral.
Meredith Palmer: What I said was, “My sister's funeral is this weekend.” Didn't say I'd be there.
Andy Bernard: Um, can I, maybe, squeeze through?
Erin Hannon: Here you go.
Andy Bernard: There you go. Thank you.
Kevin Malone: Jim, put it on.
Darryl Philbin: Put it on, man.
Jim Halpert: I don't know if I can.
Kevin Malone: Come on, the Three Amigos.
Darryl Philbin: Three Kings.
Ryan Howard: (to Kelly) If you get into season 1, you can really...
Kelly Kapoor: (Dwight walks in) Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute: It's called a costume.
Kelly Kapoor: What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman?
Dwight Schrute: Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?
Ryan Howard: Whoopi Goldberg.
Dwight Schrute: Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.
Pam Beesly: (faxing, Erin watching over her shoulder) What are you doing?
Erin Hannon: Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it, if you're doing something I don't.
Pam Beesly: Oh. (sends fax, Erin nods) Are you...
Erin Hannon: That Andy, so hot and cold. One day he's like, fax these documents, please. The next he's like, Pam, you fax them, who cares what Erin's feeling, right?
Erin Hannon: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
Erin Hannon: That's like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
Pam Beesly: No, I mean, you're doing great, and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right?
Erin Hannon: Send completed. You are the best in the biz, I can't deny.
Phyllis Vance: Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour.
Oscar Martinez: I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man In Black I say hello.
Oscar Martinez: (sigh) What happened, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Okay. When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted. I didn't believe it until one day before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black, but when I turn around, there's no one there. So, I tell the cook my story...
Phyllis Vance: Wait, they have food there?
Pam Beesly: ...and he said, That's what everyone sees, that's the Man In Black.
Jim Halpert: Oh, this Man In Black thing, what do you think that was about?
Pam Beesly: What do you mean?
Jim Halpert: Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was?
Pam Beesly: I saw a ghost.
Jim Halpert: Mmhmm. No, but what I'm saying is, like, do you ever wonder what it was?
Pam Beesly: It was a ghost, I told you this on, like, our first date.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it.
Pam Beesly: I don't know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost.
Andy Bernard: Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack!
Robert California: Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are a laborer.
Robert California: Everyone, this Bert, my son. Bert, this is... a paper company.
Bert: Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane.
Robert California: Here, use this one. (walking to Jim's desk)
Robert California: Oh, look, Pin The Wart On The Wench. How did you know I was bringing my son?
Erin Hannon: Oh, I didn't. It was for us, but he can play. Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game?
Bert: That stuff's for babies.
Robert California: Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us.
Andy Bernard: Wow, who shot our grown-up party with a kiddie raygun? We're still getting it set up, it's gonna be really cool.
Robert California: (laughing) Extraordinary. Did you plan this?
Kelly Kapoor: Well, Toby and I did, yeah.
Gabe Lewis: And I overheard, and thought, hey, that'd be fun, don't mind if I do.
Toby Flenderson: If you turn out the lights we'll do a little dance.
Gabe & Kelly & Toby: (singing and dancing) Dem bones, dem bones, dem tired bones, now we're the skeleton crew.
Robert California: (laughing and clapping) Delightful.
Kelly Kapoor: Thank you. (Gabe mumbles)
Robert California: Now then, how are we today?
Robert California: Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?
Robert California: You feeling fulfilled in your life?
Robert California: You guess? So, there is something you want that you do not have.
Kelly Kapoor: I try not to think about it.
Robert California: Because it's too terrifying to imagine. Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?
Kelly Kapoor: Never marrying.
Robert California: Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: So great.
Erin Hannon: Oh, I put those up.
Angela Martin: I know. I'm taking them down.
Phyllis Vance: I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y.
Erin Hannon: I don't know about this, guys, Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so...
Angela Martin: Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it?
Angela Martin: So, can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings, because I hate all of this.
Bert: Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea, warm air from South America, cold air from Greenland. All signs point to the perfect storm.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, perfectly mediocre.
Bert: What are you, anyway?
Dwight Schrute: I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul.
Bert: If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft.
Dwight Schrute: Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored.
Bert: If you're going to be a Zerg, at least be a Lurker, not some girl.
Dwight Schrute: Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!
Bert: Yeah, she also has boobs.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but no nipples.
Andy Bernard: Hey. What's up?
Erin Hannon: November's sure creeping up, ain't it? Can't stop that month!
Erin Hannon: Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know?
Andy Bernard: Um, I just thought you could use some help, you know, because Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed, and maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG.
Erin Hannon: But that's it? There's nothing about me, or I?
Andy Bernard: Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call, gotta make a call.
Erin Hannon: Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes, we can.
Andy Bernard: (pretending to be on the phone) Yes. (laughs) I don't know. Mmhmm.
Erin Hannon: I’m throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz.
Gabe Lewis: Ok where does Gabe factor in?
Erin Hannon: Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didn’t stop crying?
Gabe Lewis: Yes. Lars and Decocco’s
Erin Hannon: Ok. Let’s say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one. Just… more adult… more… scary and sexy
Gabe Lewis: I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.
Erin Hannon: No – just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.
Gabe Lewis: (laughs, eventually Erin joins him laughing) Oh that would be scary!
Erin Hannon: What are you thinking?
Gabe Lewis: Ok let me go get it.
Pam Beesly: (answers phone) Pam Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Hey it’s Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I’ve read a lot about this really great documentary.
Pam Beesly: Is it called Ghostbusters?
Jim Halpert: (laughs) It’s called Ghostbusters.
Pam Beesly: It didn’t look like that.
Jim Halpert: It didn’t have a buster sign around him? Why don’t you draw him? Why don’t we see this whole thing.
Pam Beesly: Ok fine I’ll draw him. (hangs up phone and draws)
Jim Halpert: I ain’t fraid of no ghost. (Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised) Whoa!
Pam Beesly: Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick?
Dwight Schrute: It’s a root you idiot.
Bert: Everyone hates you.
Dwight Schrute: That’s really rude. I don’t tell you hurricanes suck even though it’s true.
Bert: What do you like? Tornadoes?
Dwight Schrute: Try influenza.
Bert: Oh yeah? What’s the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane?
Dwight Schrute: Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane’s coming. I suppose you’re going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?
Bert: Try a box jelly fish.
Jim Halpert: You know that’s…
Robert California: What are we talking about?
Jim Halpert: I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too.
Robert California: (to Kevin) You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don’t scare you?
Kevin Malone: I’m only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don’t exist like ghosts or mummies.
Oscar Martinez: Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.
Kevin Malone: Yeah (nervously)…prank
Robert California: It’s true. They’ve been preserved for thousands of years. They’re all over.
Jim Halpert: Party looks fun doesn’t it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer.
Bert: I’m using it. I’m about to play Starcraft with him (points to Dwight).
Jim Halpert: (to Dwight) Are you serious?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah I’m serious.
Jim Halpert: That’s funny. Ok.
Darryl Philbin: This party’s tight. The fog is cool.
Erin Hannon: Thanks. It’s on medium.
Andy Bernard: It really looks great. You did a great job.
Erin Hannon: Oh, so we don’t have to have that talk.
Andy Bernard: We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45? (Erin nods) Cool.
Oscar Martinez: (cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into, a doll melts, a woman eats food and puckers her face) Is that my grandmother?
Andy Bernard: What’s the story?
Oscar Martinez: There is no story.
Gabe Lewis: Yeah it seems like there isn’t a narrative. (on screen a man gets into a car) Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.
Stanley Hudson: What the hell is going on here?
Andy Bernard: I think we’ve seen enough. You can turn it off now. (everyone murmurs agreement) Yeah turn it off now.
Stanley Hudson: How did you get in my car?
Oscar Martinez: Where is this from? That is so upsetting!
Andy Bernard: That was awful. Robert I apologize.
Erin Hannon: I’m sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now (grabs box). This game is called “pecker Poker”. (fighting tears) It’s the game of cards that gets you hard.
Andy Bernard: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Robert California: Why didn’t you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You’re obviously very close. (Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert). Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business (Robert sits).
Erin Hannon: All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so…
Robert California: You were going to talk at the end of the… I’m not here.
Andy Bernard: Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasn’t. (to Robert) I’m sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Robert California: I’m never uncomfortable.
Andy Bernard: Ok. Erin I think you know I’ve been dating someone.
Andy Bernard: And it’s getting a little more serious. She’s never come by.
Erin Hannon: And she’s never called here. Unless it’s your mom.
Andy Bernard: No I didn’t want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it’s weird that she’s not calling.
Erin Hannon: Two dates? Three dates?
Andy Bernard: Thirty-one.
Erin Hannon: Wow. I’m so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. I’ll see you guys.
Robert California: I should go.
Darryl Philbin: I just don't get it, Pam. I mean, you're a rational person.
Jim Halpert: (whispering) Thank you.
Pam Beesly: Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?
Jim Halpert: Careful, whoa. First of all, it's not like I think that's going to help the Eagles win.
Jim Halpert: No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. It's not...
Dwight Schrute: Go, get up there right now.
Dwight Schrute: You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B.
Bert: Unleash the hellstorm.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) Nice.
Dwight Schrute: Got 'em. Go!
Phyllis Vance: Is she Asian?
Erin Hannon: I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. Maybe from the forest.
Phyllis Vance: Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?
Erin Hannon: I don't know, Phyllis. Maybe she's from the city.
Robert California: Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?
Robert California: Are you scared of snakes?
Creed Bratton: You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.
Jim Halpert: Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, "Mom, there's a ghost in my closet." Now, you say one of two things - one, "You're just having a bad dream," or two, "Let's go see what it was."
Pam Beesly: I'm not gonna freak her out, Jim.
Pam Beesly: I'm not gonna lie to her, either.
Jim Halpert: Oh, come on!
Robert California: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. (hisses) She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.
Creed Bratton: Oh my goodness.
Robert California: The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby, for they were mummies.
Robert California: Amongst them was a man, tall, slim.
Meredith Palmer: Jim. (rolls eyes)
Robert California: Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Everytime she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you okay?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, "I'm fine, b!tch, I'm fine."
Toby Flenderson: Oh, hey, Bert. Wanna see the dance? Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry...
Toby Flenderson: ...bones. What?
Bert: You heard me. Pack your things.
Toby Flenderson: What... you can't... Gabe? Are you...
Bert: I'm the CEO's son. Pack your things. You're done.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 8. Spooked is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.