Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Doomsday

Vol. 8 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

After Robert California demands perfection, Dwight installs an accountability booster that threatens to email a branch-killing report to the CEO if the staff makes five mistakes. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Andy’s annoying 'Closing Time' tradition to the frantic scramble at Schrute Farms to save everyone's jobs. It is the full script including Gabe's awkward warehouse flirting and the birth of the phrase 'Pobody's nerfect.'

Scene 01

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(Flickering Lights) Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. (Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic)
Erin Hannon
(Laughs and shrieks)
Andy Bernard
Closing time.

Scene 02

1 line
Andy Bernard
Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird.

Scene 03

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Closing time
Jim Halpert
(On phone) ...W R K.
Andy Bernard
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Jim Halpert
Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing.
Andy Bernard
Come on pam!
Andy & Pam
(Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics) Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. (nods and shakes head) Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home.

Scene 05

2 lines
Andy Bernard
I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. (Pulls towel through legs) I know who I want to take me home. (Spins Meredith in chair) Take me hooo…hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing… no traditions!
Stanley Hudson
(singing) Closing time every new beginning…

Scene 06

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now…it's my favorite song.

Scene 07

2 lines
Andy & Stanley
(singing) Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.
Stanley Hudson
Goodnight.

Scene 08

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Whose your favorite iron chef?
Robert California
(speaking at the same time as andy) This is atrocious.
Andy Bernard
You go first.
Robert California
The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office.
Andy Bernard
Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes…
Dwight Schrute
(runs in and interrupts) Sorry, go ahead.
Robert California
(to dwight) Did you need something from us?
Dwight Schrute
Wha…Yes. Your attention. Uh because… No that is all. (walks out)

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

Scene 10

11 lines
Robert California
Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy Bernard
Umpf…that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert California
Who are they?
Andy Bernard
They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture…
Robert California
Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
Andy Bernard
I would agree with that.
Robert California
Simply…end the mistakes
Andy Bernard
End the mistakes, easy-
Robert California
When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
Andy Bernard
I would like that.
Robert California
End the mistakes. That is all I ask. (gets up from chair) And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.

Scene 11

9 lines
Jim Halpert
I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So…my pitch is…me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine.
Darryl Philbin
Nahh! (shakes head) No. Not Justine. Never Justine.
Jim Halpert
Is that off again?
Darryl Philbin
Oh yeah.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Val
Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today.
Darryl Philbin
Ahh…We don't really do those. We just sign the thing.
Val
Are you really this lazy?
Darryl Philbin
I'll be there.

Scene 12

4 lines
Gabe Lewis
Hey.
Val
Hey.
Gabe Lewis
Monday's suck.
Val
Yeaha…yup. (awkward silence then points to door) Just trying to get in.

Scene 13

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.
Andy Bernard
What do you got?
Dwight Schrute
(opens folder) Allow me. You're going to love this. (struggles opening folder) Ugh…should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Andy Bernard
Sounds controversial.
Dwight Schrute
Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Andy Bernard
Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.
Dwight Schrute
Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.
Andy Bernard
Go do the voodoo that you do so well.
Dwight Schrute
I will do my voodoo.
Andy Bernard
Mmhmmm.

Scene 14

16 lines
Gabe Lewis
Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby Flenderson
For you?
Gabe Lewis
Yes. For Gabe.
Toby Flenderson
Who are you seeing? That's gr…
Gabe Lewis
Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Toby Flenderson
Oh.
Gabe Lewis
I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..(holds up fist)
Toby Flenderson
You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe Lewis
Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby Flenderson
But I mean…uh have you talked to her? Is sh…
Gabe Lewis
Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays…
Toby Flenderson
Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe Lewis
Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby Flenderson
She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe Lewis
Hey! Watch it.
Toby Flenderson
Good luck Gabe.

Scene 15

17 lines
Andy Bernard
Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really.
Kevin Malone
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call…Dwight…
Dwight Schrute
The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.
Andy Bernard
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight Schrute
Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Kelly Kapoor
What emails are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute
Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
That's not that bad actually.
Dwight Schrute
P.S. We should should kill him.
Jim Halpert
Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?
Dwight Schrute
No, it's an accountability booster.
Jim Halpert
Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
Kelly Kapoor
Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.
Ryan Howard
We can't do this Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(Everyone angrily disagreeing)Smile…nod. Smile and nod.

Scene 16

1 line
Dwight Schrute
They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like…not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor…

Scene 17

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes.
Dwight Schrute
But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve.

Scene 18

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha.
Stanley Hudson
This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
Oscar Martinez
There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
Dwight Schrute
(alert goes off) Oh, there's one mistake.
Erin Hannon
Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Andy Bernard
Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I…
Dwight Schrute
It's not a doomsday device, gosh. (Erin makes red strike on desk) We can do this you guys.

Scene 19

9 lines
Warehouse Crew
First. Second.
Darryl Philbin
It's not a race.
Warehouse Crew
Thirrrr….third.
Darryl Philbin
Who knows what the belt is for?
Gabe Lewis
It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous.
Darryl Philbin
Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone.
Warehouse Crew
Hi, gabe.
Darryl Philbin
All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Gabe Lewis
Look at this, this is enormous.

Scene 20

1 line
Gabe Lewis
I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. (Gestures milking a cow)

Scene 21

3 lines
Gabe Lewis
It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way.
Darryl Philbin
You done?
Gabe Lewis
The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back.

Scene 22

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five.
Kevin Malone
I'm on it.
Angela Martin
Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project.
Kevin Malone
Good thinking.

Scene 23

1 line
Kevin Malone
Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made.

Scene 24

1 line
Angela Martin
Oscar, use a calculator. (Oscar shakes head)

Scene 25

1 line
Oscar Martinez
When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. (points to his head)

Scene 26

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright everybody, you are doing great!
Dwight Schrute
Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. (Meredith gives dwight the finger)
Jim Halpert
Dwight, question.
Dwight Schrute
No questions.
Jim Halpert
If this doomsday device goes off...
Dwight Schrute
Accountability booster.
Jim Halpert
If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?
Dwight Schrute
I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.

Scene 27

8 lines
Stanley Hudson
Try mose1234.
Ryan Howard
Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like…z64$8. (incorrect password) Not that exactly Jim, something like that.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
How about Scrantonstrangler666.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Dwight Schrute
No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha…You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.
Kelly Kapoor
Wha…what's Dwight's mothers name.
Jim Halpert
Hmm…Heda. (alert) No.

Scene 28

8 lines
Darryl Philbin
Once you read the packet, sign the back.
Gabe Lewis
Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val…
Darryl Philbin
Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
Val
Yeah, sure.
Gabe Lewis
Uh.
Darryl Philbin
Mmhmm. (points at gabe) Caramel soy latte.
Gabe Lewis
Decaf frap-
Darryl Philbin
Got it.

Scene 29

33 lines
Angela Martin
You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?
Oscar Martinez
Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty.
Angela Martin
Six-seventy, six-twenty.
Oscar Martinez
Nuh uh.
Angela Martin
yes!
Oscar Martinez
Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no.
Kevin Malone
What does this mean? What does it mean!
Oscar Martinez
Andy. (alert sounds)
Angela Martin
Ohhhh!
Andy Bernard
Gahhh. That's five strikes.
Stanley Hudson
(pulls out Brandy bottle) Well…I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.
Andy Bernard
Dwight we got five strikes.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Andy Bernard
Did the email go out or…
Dwight Schrute
It goes out automatically at five P.M.
Andy Bernard
Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it.
Dwight Schrute
Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Andy Bernard
Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Andy Bernard
What?!
Dwight Schrute
You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.
Phyllis Vance
We did our best.
Dwight Schrute
No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. (everyone interjects) What?!
Erin Hannon
You're a real crumb bum, you know that?
Dwight Schrute
Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
Kevin Malone
Uh, the man tree puts its penis-
Dwight Schrute
Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.
Andy Bernard
Nn no.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Andy Bernard
No!
Oscar Martinez
Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine.
Kelly Kapoor
Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! (erin joins in yelling) Shut it down! Shut it down!
Dwight Schrute
Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.

Scene 30

11 lines
Erin Hannon
Dwight's car is gone.
Pam Beesly
I bet he went home.
Andy Bernard
Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.
Andy Bernard
Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Kevin has that lovability.
Kevin Malone
Guys come on. I'm right here.
Andy Bernard
Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something.
Jim Halpert
Ok, where is he?
Erin Hannon
Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.
Jim Halpert
I'll try both.

Scene 31

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
(digging) Oh. Come to reason with me?
Andy Bernard
Gotcha something. (gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside) And, uh, I just really want to talk to you-
Dwight Schrute
Get lost.
Andy Bernard
Well now hold on it, it-
Pam Beesly
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Pam Beesly
Uhm.
Erin Hannon
Do you need a hand?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, do you need a hand? (everyone joins in)
Dwight Schrute
If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.

Scene 32

8 lines
Robert California
I'll see you next week Will. (at the club, playing squash)
Jim Halpert
Robert.
Robert California
Jim what are you…What a surprise.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting.
Robert California
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
You up for a game?
Robert California
A game or a match?
Jim Halpert
Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it.

Scene 33

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Are you okay, Kevin? (Kevin gives thumbs down)
Andy Bernard
(to Dwight) Where you going?
Dwight Schrute
In. I'm hungry.
Pam Beesly
Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.
Pam Beesly
Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.
Dwight Schrute
This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

Scene 34

11 lines
Val
That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab?
Val
That's what I'm sayin'.
Gabe Lewis
(to Val) Hey. You're welcome.
Val
Thanks for the coffee.
Gabe Lewis
So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.
Val
Are you asking me on a date?
Gabe Lewis
Yes, I am.
Val
Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy.
Gabe Lewis
I could quit. Problem solved.
Val
Don't quit. (Darryl eavesdropping, nods)

Scene 35

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Good policy. Sensible. Smart.

Scene 36

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving.
Robert California
In the box.
Jim Halpert
In the box. (hits it straight into the floor)

Scene 37

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Angela Martin
Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'-
Oscar Martinez
I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Stanley Hudson
I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! (laughing and drinking Brandy)
Oscar Martinez
It's not that funny.

Scene 38

17 lines
Erin Hannon
(Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head) Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.
Pam Beesly
Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?
Dwight Schrute
Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam.
Pam Beesly
No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.
Dwight Schrute
I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.
Andy Bernard
Dwight, there's just a small matter of a-
Pam Beesly
You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.
Dwight Schrute
Any specific animal?
Pam Beesly
I'm thinking cow-
Dwight Schrute
Don't say cow- Ugh.
Andy Bernard
What are you doing? It's 5 to 5.
Pam Beesly
Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will.
Andy Bernard
That's insane!
Pam Beesly
Just trust me.
Andy Bernard
Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning.
Pam Beesly
I got this.
Andy Bernard
Enngh-

Scene 39

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Hahhh, thanks for everything.
Dwight Schrute
Sive drafely. (Pam points back at him, smiling)
Kevin Malone
Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"?

Scene 40

21 lines
Jim Halpert
(a text tone goes off) Is that my phone?
Robert California
Sounded like mine.
Jim Halpert
Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright.
Robert California
Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.
Jim Halpert
Oh, oh yeah.
Robert California
Can I have it?
Jim Halpert
Yes. Right now? Yes.
Robert California
Yep.
Jim Halpert
Here you go. (throws it over glass)
Robert California
Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. (tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor)
Robert California
(censored beep) ha, Jesus.
Jim Halpert
Awww, sorry. Did it break?
Robert California
Nah, it's good.
Jim Halpert
You sure?
Robert California
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
What kinda iPhone is that?
Robert California
It's the standard one. The one everyone has.
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?
Robert California
It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?
Jim Halpert
Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- (texting on his phone)
Robert California
My serve!

Scene 41

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(her text tones rings) Dwight stopped the device!
Andy Bernard
Oh!
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Erin Hannon
Haho!

Scene 42

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
(his phone vibrates) He stopped it!
Ryan Howard
Oh! (everyone yelling out, celebrating) We still have our jobs.

Scene 43

1 line
Dwight Schrute
They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. (pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt) God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?

Scene 44

11 lines
Robert California
Take it easy. Nice and easy.
Jim Halpert
(hits ball, ricochets to groin) Ah! Classic, right? (Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down)
Robert California
Oo!
Jim Halpert
I'm alright.
Robert California
You alright?
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Robert California
Skinned knee.
Jim Halpert
Yep. Ah. Oh. (and skinned elbow)
Robert California
Oo, a little ice on that maybe.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. That does not feel good.
Robert California
Okay. My serve.