Every line from The Office episode "Doomsday", season 8 episode 6.
Andy Bernard: Closing time
Jim Halpert: (On phone) ...W R K.
Andy Bernard: One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Jim Halpert: Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing.
Andy Bernard: Come on pam!
Andy & Pam: (Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics) Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.
Andy Bernard: Whose your favorite iron chef?
Robert California: (speaking at the same time as andy) This is atrocious.
Andy Bernard: You go first.
Robert California: The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office.
Andy Bernard: Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes…
Dwight Schrute: (runs in and interrupts) Sorry, go ahead.
Robert California: (to dwight) Did you need something from us?
Dwight Schrute: Wha…Yes. Your attention. Uh because… No that is all. (walks out)
Robert California: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy Bernard: Umpf…that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert California: Who are they?
Andy Bernard: They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture…
Robert California: Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
Andy Bernard: I would agree with that.
Robert California: Simply…end the mistakes
Andy Bernard: End the mistakes, easy-
Robert California: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
Andy Bernard: I would like that.
Robert California: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. (gets up from chair) And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.
Jim Halpert: I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So…my pitch is…me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine.
Darryl Philbin: Nahh! (shakes head) No. Not Justine. Never Justine.
Jim Halpert: Is that off again?
Val: Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today.
Darryl Philbin: Ahh…We don't really do those. We just sign the thing.
Val: Are you really this lazy?
Darryl Philbin: I'll be there.
Dwight Schrute: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.
Andy Bernard: What do you got?
Dwight Schrute: (opens folder) Allow me. You're going to love this. (struggles opening folder) Ugh…should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Andy Bernard: Sounds controversial.
Dwight Schrute: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Andy Bernard: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.
Andy Bernard: Go do the voodoo that you do so well.
Dwight Schrute: I will do my voodoo.
Gabe Lewis: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby Flenderson: For you?
Gabe Lewis: Yes. For Gabe.
Toby Flenderson: Who are you seeing? That's gr…
Gabe Lewis: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Gabe Lewis: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..(holds up fist)
Toby Flenderson: You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe Lewis: Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby Flenderson: But I mean…uh have you talked to her? Is sh…
Gabe Lewis: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays…
Toby Flenderson: Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe Lewis: Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby Flenderson: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe Lewis: Hey! Watch it.
Toby Flenderson: Good luck Gabe.
Andy Bernard: Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really.
Andy Bernard: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call…Dwight…
Dwight Schrute: The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.
Andy Bernard: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight Schrute: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Kelly Kapoor: What emails are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight Schrute: P.S. We should should kill him.
Jim Halpert: Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?
Dwight Schrute: No, it's an accountability booster.
Jim Halpert: Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
Kelly Kapoor: Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.
Ryan Howard: We can't do this Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (Everyone angrily disagreeing)Smile…nod. Smile and nod.
Andy Bernard: Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha.
Stanley Hudson: This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
Oscar Martinez: There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
Dwight Schrute: (alert goes off) Oh, there's one mistake.
Erin Hannon: Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Andy Bernard: Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I…
Dwight Schrute: It's not a doomsday device, gosh. (Erin makes red strike on desk) We can do this you guys.
Warehouse Crew: First. Second.
Darryl Philbin: It's not a race.
Warehouse Crew: Thirrrr….third.
Darryl Philbin: Who knows what the belt is for?
Gabe Lewis: It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous.
Darryl Philbin: Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone.
Warehouse Crew: Hi, gabe.
Darryl Philbin: All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Gabe Lewis: Look at this, this is enormous.
Andy Bernard: Alright everybody, you are doing great!
Dwight Schrute: Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. (Meredith gives dwight the finger)
Jim Halpert: Dwight, question.
Dwight Schrute: No questions.
Jim Halpert: If this doomsday device goes off...
Dwight Schrute: Accountability booster.
Jim Halpert: If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?
Dwight Schrute: I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.
Stanley Hudson: Try mose1234.
Ryan Howard: Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like…z64$8. (incorrect password) Not that exactly Jim, something like that.
Dwight Schrute: How about Scrantonstrangler666.
Dwight Schrute: No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha…You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.
Kelly Kapoor: Wha…what's Dwight's mothers name.
Jim Halpert: Hmm…Heda. (alert) No.
Darryl Philbin: Once you read the packet, sign the back.
Gabe Lewis: Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val…
Darryl Philbin: Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
Darryl Philbin: Mmhmm. (points at gabe) Caramel soy latte.
Angela Martin: You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?
Oscar Martinez: Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty.
Angela Martin: Six-seventy, six-twenty.
Oscar Martinez: Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no.
Kevin Malone: What does this mean? What does it mean!
Oscar Martinez: Andy. (alert sounds)
Andy Bernard: Gahhh. That's five strikes.
Stanley Hudson: (pulls out Brandy bottle) Well…I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.
Andy Bernard: Dwight we got five strikes.
Andy Bernard: Did the email go out or…
Dwight Schrute: It goes out automatically at five P.M.
Andy Bernard: Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Andy Bernard: Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.
Dwight Schrute: You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.
Phyllis Vance: We did our best.
Dwight Schrute: No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. (everyone interjects) What?!
Erin Hannon: You're a real crumb bum, you know that?
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
Kevin Malone: Uh, the man tree puts its penis-
Dwight Schrute: Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.
Oscar Martinez: Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine.
Kelly Kapoor: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! (erin joins in yelling) Shut it down! Shut it down!
Dwight Schrute: Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.
Erin Hannon: Dwight's car is gone.
Pam Beesly: I bet he went home.
Andy Bernard: Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.
Andy Bernard: Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us.
Andy Bernard: Kevin has that lovability.
Kevin Malone: Guys come on. I'm right here.
Andy Bernard: Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something.
Jim Halpert: Ok, where is he?
Erin Hannon: Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.
Jim Halpert: I'll try both.
Dwight Schrute: (digging) Oh. Come to reason with me?
Andy Bernard: Gotcha something. (gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside) And, uh, I just really want to talk to you-
Dwight Schrute: Get lost.
Andy Bernard: Well now hold on it, it-
Pam Beesly: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Erin Hannon: Do you need a hand?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, do you need a hand? (everyone joins in)
Dwight Schrute: If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.
Robert California: I'll see you next week Will. (at the club, playing squash)
Robert California: Jim what are you…What a surprise.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting.
Jim Halpert: You up for a game?
Robert California: A game or a match?
Jim Halpert: Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it.
Pam Beesly: Are you okay, Kevin? (Kevin gives thumbs down)
Andy Bernard: (to Dwight) Where you going?
Dwight Schrute: In. I'm hungry.
Pam Beesly: Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.
Pam Beesly: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.
Dwight Schrute: This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
Val: That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab?
Val: That's what I'm sayin'.
Gabe Lewis: (to Val) Hey. You're welcome.
Val: Thanks for the coffee.
Gabe Lewis: So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.
Val: Are you asking me on a date?
Val: Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy.
Gabe Lewis: I could quit. Problem solved.
Val: Don't quit. (Darryl eavesdropping, nods)
Oscar Martinez: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Angela Martin: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'-
Oscar Martinez: I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Stanley Hudson: I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! (laughing and drinking Brandy)
Oscar Martinez: It's not that funny.
Erin Hannon: (Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head) Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.
Pam Beesly: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?
Dwight Schrute: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam.
Pam Beesly: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.
Dwight Schrute: I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.
Andy Bernard: Dwight, there's just a small matter of a-
Pam Beesly: You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.
Dwight Schrute: Any specific animal?
Pam Beesly: I'm thinking cow-
Dwight Schrute: Don't say cow- Ugh.
Andy Bernard: What are you doing? It's 5 to 5.
Pam Beesly: Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will.
Andy Bernard: That's insane!
Pam Beesly: Just trust me.
Andy Bernard: Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning.
Pam Beesly: Hahhh, thanks for everything.
Dwight Schrute: Sive drafely. (Pam points back at him, smiling)
Kevin Malone: Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"?
Jim Halpert: (a text tone goes off) Is that my phone?
Robert California: Sounded like mine.
Jim Halpert: Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright.
Robert California: Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.
Jim Halpert: Oh, oh yeah.
Robert California: Can I have it?
Jim Halpert: Yes. Right now? Yes.
Jim Halpert: Here you go. (throws it over glass)
Robert California: Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. (tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor)
Robert California: (censored beep) ha, Jesus.
Jim Halpert: Awww, sorry. Did it break?
Robert California: Nah, it's good.
Jim Halpert: What kinda iPhone is that?
Robert California: It's the standard one. The one everyone has.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?
Robert California: It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?
Jim Halpert: Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- (texting on his phone)
Robert California: My serve!
Robert California: Take it easy. Nice and easy.
Jim Halpert: (hits ball, ricochets to groin) Ah! Classic, right? (Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down)
Jim Halpert: I'm alright.
Robert California: You alright?
Robert California: Skinned knee.
Jim Halpert: Yep. Ah. Oh. (and skinned elbow)
Robert California: Oo, a little ice on that maybe.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. That does not feel good.
Robert California: Okay. My serve.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 8. Doomsday is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.