In season 8 episode 7 of The Office, "Pam's Replacement", Pam is worried that Jim finds her replacement attractive. This page includes the full script, lines, and quotes from the episode.
Andy Bernard:Erin.
Erin Hannon:Yeah.
Andy Bernard:In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I’m not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.
Erin Hannon:Who’s calling?
Andy Bernard:Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I’m going to refuse to take it.
Erin Hannon:You’re not going to take it?
Andy Bernard:Just make up a phone call. It’s not a real call. Make it up.
Erin Hannon:Ohohohoh.
Andy Bernard:And come and tell me. Doesn’t matter what it is.
Erin Hannon:You’re not going to get it though?
Andy Bernard:I’m not going to take it. And then he’s going to be like “whoa this is a really important meeting”.
Erin Hannon:Copy that.
Andy Bernard:Okay.
Andy Bernard:Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I’ll tell you how we can beat it.
Client:Uh well we’ve been going with…
Erin Hannon:Andy.
Andy Bernard:Yeah.
Erin Hannon:You have a very important call.
Andy Bernard:I’m sorry – I’m with a very important client. It’ll have to wait.
Erin Hannon:Are you sure? It’s really, really important.
Andy Bernard:There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin Hannon:Really? Because your mother is dead.
Client:Oh my God.
Andy Bernard:I don’t think she’s dead.
Erin Hannon:She’s dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy Bernard:She’s not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin Hannon:This isn’t one of those times. It’s the police. They said it’s the worst they’ve ever seen.
Dwight Schrute:Andy I’m really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
Client:Oh you must take this call. It's…
Andy Bernard:Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin Hannon:Line 2.
Andy Bernard:Hi.
Darryl Philbin:(on phone)It’s Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy Bernard:Ooh, gosh!
Darryl Philbin:Dude.
Andy Bernard:Officer.
Darryl Philbin:Look man this is a bad idea.
Andy Bernard:Did she have any last words or?
Darryl Philbin:Really? That is messed up man.
Andy Bernard:Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl Philbin:You’re a bad man Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard:That is so mom.
Darryl Philbin:That stuff can come back to get you. It’s called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle…
Andy Bernard:Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?
Pam Beesly:Hey Cathy.
Cathy:Hi.
Pam Beesly:How’s it going? Everything make sense?
Cathy:I think everything is under control.
Pam Beesly:Great.
Cathy:You should sit down.
Pam Beesly:Oh no, I’m fine.
Cathy:No I should go fill out my paperwork.
Pam Beesly:Ok (squeaking sound) Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this.
Dwight Schrute:Oh we know.
Pam Beesly:I’m training a temp to be my replacement while I’m on maternity leave. Oh I should’ve mentioned I’m pregnant. You probably didn’t notice because it’s impossible to tell I’m so small. But yeah I’m pregnant. (another squeak) Oh come on!
Ryan Howard:Hey – asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?
Jim Halpert:Hmm. Doubt it.
Ryan Howard:Yeah me too.
Pam Beesly:You doubt it?
Jim Halpert:What’s that?
Pam Beesly:Why do you doubt that she’s single?
Jim Halpert:Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we’d save her from Ryan right?
Darryl Philbin:What are you doing with my lunch?
Andy Bernard:I’m delivering it from the fridge. It’s like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?
Darryl Philbin:It’s not pizza.
Andy Bernard:Yeah and we’re not about to make love. I just thought maybe you’d want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.
Darryl Philbin:I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?
Andy Bernard:Uh you tell me (Kevin playing drums with chicken legs)
Ryan Howard:So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.
Gabe Lewis:Well he’s probably a drug dealer. That’s the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow.
Toby Flenderson:It’s going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.
Oscar Martinez:Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.
Offscreen:Good energy
Pam Beesly:It’s going to be good to have someone hot at Pam’s desk huh?
Oscar Martinez:No, no. Not even.
Pam Beesly:I’m kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She’s obviously super cute I get it. But I’d like to point out there’s 50 pounds more of me to love if that’s your thing.
Oscar Martinez:Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.
Toby Flenderson:Radiant.
Pam Beesly:Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.
Phyllis Vance:Yeah you have this sexy glow.
Gabe Lewis:It’s one of the most common fetishes.
Pam Beesly:Really well thank you all.
Toby Flenderson:You know it’s not just pregnant women who don’t get their due. You know who’s gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
Ryan Howard:Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?
Toby Flenderson:You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It’s a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Dwight Schrute:Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you’re saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.
Oscar Martinez:In this case yes.
Dwight Schrute:No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis Vance:No we’re not.
Dwight Schrute:Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That’s right. You’re fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.
Andy Bernard:(scatting) Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray.
Darryl Philbin:Nice scatting, man.
Andy Bernard:Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.
Val:Not bad fellas, you're better than you look.
Kevin Malone:Hey, screw you!
Andy Bernard:(sees Robert California enter) Hey Robert, are we meeting early?
Robert California:Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?
Andy Bernard:Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.
Robert California:You're a band.
Andy Bernard:Thank you.
Kevin Malone:We're called Kevin and the Zits.
Darryl Philbin:That was never agreed upon.
Robert California:I miss being in a band.
Andy Bernard:Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!
Kevin Malone:I have a tambourine.
Robert California:Tambourine? You know I’m the CEO, right?
Andy Bernard:(to Kevin) CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.
Robert California:I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.
Andy Bernard:Great!
Kevin Malone:Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit!
Darryl Philbin:Again, never agreed upon.
Andy Bernard:I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life!
Darryl Philbin:Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right?
Andy Bernard:Yeah, even cooler.
Kevin Malone:We all got to go sometime.
Pam Beesly:Hey.
Jim Halpert:Hey.
Pam Beesly:Helen Mirren. Hot?
Jim Halpert:Yeah. Super pretty.
Pam Beesly:Huh. What about Cathy?
Jim Halpert:The temp?
Pam Beesly:Yeah. Do you think she's hot?
Jim Halpert:Nope.
Pam Beesly:I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive?
Jim Halpert:And I'm telling you, I don't.
Pam Beesly:You don't find Cathy attractive?
Jim Halpert:No, I don't.
Jim Halpert:No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I’m not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.
Pam Beesly:Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake.
Jim Halpert:Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? (Jim leaves)
Dwight Schrute:That's just absurd.
Pam Beesly:Yes, because she's hot, right?
Dwight Schrute:Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on.
Pam Beesly:The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth.
Pam Beesly:Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight Schrute:Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
Pam Beesly:What about before? Was I attractive before?
Dwight Schrute:Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
Pam Beesly:Hmm. I think Jim’s lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.
Dwight Schrute:You think Jim’s lying? (laughs) That's so cute. I know he's lying.
Pam Beesly:Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.
Dwight Schrute:Done. (Pam goes for a high five) I never touch a pregnant woman.
Pam Beesly:Yep, that's the Dwight I need.
Dwight Schrute:If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.
Pam Beesly:Okay.
Dwight Schrute:Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.
Pam Beesly:I think so. Okay.
Dwight Schrute:Rule two: we stop at nothing.
Pam Beesly:Well, what does that... is that... okay.
Dwight Schrute:Rule three: Don't fall in love.
Pam Beesly:Yep, good.
Dwight Schrute:We're gonna bust this guy.
Pam Beesly:Honesty is very important to me.
Dwight Schrute:So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.
Pam Beesly:Let's just see how we feel when we get there.
Kelly Kapoor:Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam.
Dwight Schrute:None taken. What do you got?
Kelly Kapoor:It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot.
Pam Beesly:Hmm.
Robert California:(to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer) Hey, you found us!
Curtis:You guys sound great, man.
Robert California:Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding.
Darryl Philbin:Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead.
Kevin Malone:(to drummer) Dude, you're on TV! You’re the sportscaster on channel seven.
Drummer:Go Eagles! (laughs)
Kevin Malone:You do that on TV!
Robert California:You guys mind if they join us?
Andy Bernard:Yeah, absolutely!
Kevin Malone:Guys, I've got some instruments right here. (holds up tambourine and güiro)
Darryl Philbin:Hey, why don't you and me play those?
Kevin Malone:Yeah? Okay, this is awesome.
Robert California:What should we play?
Kevin Malone:Maybe we should warm up with some scales?
Robert California:Midnight Rambler?
Curtis:Yeah.
Andy Bernard:Midnight what?
Curtis:(singing) Have you heard about the midnight rambler? (Lisa, the guitarist, enters) Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah!
Pam Beesly:Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single.
Jim Halpert:Oh, I stand corrected.
Pam Beesly:I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas?
Jim Halpert:Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.
Pam Beesly:Mike Tibbets, really?
Jim Halpert:Mm-hmm.
Ryan Howard:Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive?
Jim Halpert:Not his mom's car.
Ryan Howard:Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.
Jim Halpert:Touche?
Kelly Kapoor:(sees photo of Mike Tibbets) Eww!
Pam Beesly:Kelly, calm down.
Kelly Kapoor:I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.
Pam Beesly:I don't think Jim cares about his hair.
Kelly Kapoor:Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person.
Dwight Schrute:I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer.
Pam Beesly:Jim's on to me.
Dwight Schrute:Hmm?
Pam Beesly:Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it.
Dwight Schrute:Just ugly enough to have deniability.
Pam Beesly:Yep.
Jim Halpert:Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy.
Dwight Schrute:Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body.
Kelly Kapoor:I'm gonna write something mean on his wall.
Pam Beesly:No, Kelly, don't.
Dwight Schrute:The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there.
Pam & Kelly:With the crotch?
Dwight Schrute:With the crotch.
Kevin Malone:(music plays) Whoo!
Dwight Schrute:Psst. We're not here. (slips Toblerone candy to Creed)
Creed Bratton:Who said that?
Dwight Schrute:Exactly.
Creed Bratton:How'd I get this long triangle?
Dwight Schrute:Okay, just shut it.
Pam Beesly:Is he puffing out his chest?
Dwight Schrute:I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. (Jim says something and Cathy laughs) Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?
Pam Beesly:No. Maybe he just said something funny.
Dwight Schrute:Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.
Pam Beesly:I think he's just making her laugh.
Dwight Schrute:Time for me to find out.
Pam Beesly:Why's he making her laugh so much?
Dwight Schrute:Just going to walk over here- (fake trips) whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! (grabs Jim's crotch)
Jim Halpert:Dwight! (pushes Dwight's hands away) Why?
Dwight Schrute:I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.
Jim Halpert:Leave.
Dwight Schrute:(to Pam) Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.
Pam Beesly:Why was he making her laugh so much?
Pam Beesly:Oh, hey, I'll just be a second.
Cathy:Yeah, take your time.
Pam Beesly:Okay.
Cathy:(to Jim) Oh, that line from Zoolander?
Jim Halpert:Mm-hmm?
Cathy:It was from a deleted scene so we were both right.
Jim Halpert:(laughs) Told you.
Cathy:Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or-
Pam Beesly:Oscar, Cathy has a question!
Cathy:Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar.
Pam Beesly:(to Jim) Yeah?
Jim Halpert:You okay?
Pam Beesly:Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.
Jim Halpert:Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?
Pam Beesly:Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now.
Dwight Schrute:She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.
Pam Beesly:Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do.
Dwight Schrute:And she called it nuts?
Darryl Philbin:Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going.
Kevin Malone:Mm-hmm.
Andy Bernard:Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Kevin Malone:Are you serious? From Star Trek?
Darryl Philbin:(to Val) Hey, you caught some of that?
Val:I caught it.
Darryl Philbin:What, you don't like the blues?
Val:I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.
Andy Bernard:Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. (music starts)
Val:I think the music left without you.
Dwight Schrute:Come on.
Jim Halpert:Stop shoving me.
Dwight Schrute:(mocking) Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.
Jim Halpert:(to Pam) Really?
Pam Beesly:This could all go away if you just tell me the truth.
Old Man:Uh, are you all in line?
Dwight Schrute:Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? (to Jim) Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?
Jim Halpert:Si.
Pam Beesly:Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?
Dwight Schrute:We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.
Old Man:You have to share the machine with others.
Dwight Schrute:(mimicking) Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.
Jim Halpert:Okay, Dwight, come on. (to old man) You can go first.
Old Man:Thank you.
Dwight Schrute:Jim, are you serious?
Jim Halpert:Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush.
Andy Bernard:Maybe we could switch instruments.
Kevin Malone:Yeah.
Andy Bernard:'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised.
Darryl Philbin:Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right?
Andy Bernard:We had to leave because of creative differences.
Darryl Philbin:Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing.
Kevin Malone:Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now.
Darryl Philbin:No man, we are.
Andy Bernard:Well-
Darryl Philbin:No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute:(to old man) Okay, you're done.
Old Man:I have a new heart, you know.
Dwight Schrute:Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?
Jim Halpert:No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.
Dwight Schrute:Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
Jim Halpert:No.
Dwight Schrute:Yep, he's lying.
Pam Beesly:Ah, see, was that so hard?
Jim Halpert:I am not lying.
Pam Beesly:Really?
Jim Halpert:Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test?
Dwight Schrute:I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?
Pam Beesly:Wait, what?
Dwight Schrute:Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.
Pam Beesly:Jim, you have high blood pressure.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.
Pam Beesly:Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, but I don't smoke.
Pam Beesly:When was the last time you went to the doctor?
Jim Halpert:I don't know.
Dwight Schrute:It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-
Pam Beesly:Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you?
Jim Halpert:Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul.
Dwight Schrute:It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.
Jim Halpert:Okay.
Pam Beesly:Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor.
Dwight Schrute:Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?
Pam Beesly:Just go home. It doesn't matter.
Dwight Schrute:But... hey, Cece's toothbrush.
Jim Halpert:Thank you.
Andy & Darryl:Oh baby I love your way.
Darryl Philbin:Every day.
Andy & Darryl:Wanna be with you night and day.
Darryl & Kevin:And day.
Andy & Darryl:Oh baby I love your way.
Andy Bernard:(scatting) Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.
The Office episode 7 season 8, "Pam's Replacement" is a memorable one. Pam is pregnant and trains her replacement, Cathy. Pam feels insecure about her looks. She suspects Jim finds Cathy attractive. Jim denies it. Pam enlists Dwight to help her find the truth.
Dwight uses a blood pressure machine as a lie detector. He asks Jim questions. Jim says he doesn't find Cathy hot. The machine says he's lying. It turns out Jim has high blood pressure. Meanwhile, Andy wants to impress Robert California. He pretends to get an important call during a meeting. Erin says his mom died. Andy plays along. Robert joins the office band. They kick him out for playing the tambourine.
A fan-favorite scene is when Dwight grabs Jim's crotch. He's checking for signs of attraction. Another is when Dwight says Pam was most attractive at 24. He says she declined after her first pregnancy. Fans also love the band scenes. Kevin and the Zits is a funny name. The episode ends with Jim and Pam leaving. They need a toothbrush for Cece. Dwight is worried about Jim's health. He says, "Death waits for no man."
