Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Pam's Replacement

Vol. 8 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

Pam is worried the new temp is a little too attractive, so she recruits Dwight to put Jim through some bizarre tests to see if he's lying. While that's happening, Robert California manages to turn a simple warehouse jam session into a professional production that leaves the guys behind. You can read through every line from the episode here, including all of Dwight's hilariously aggressive interrogation tactics.

Scene 01

13 lines
Andy Bernard
Erin.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I’m not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.
Erin Hannon
Who’s calling?
Andy Bernard
Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I’m going to refuse to take it.
Erin Hannon
You’re not going to take it?
Andy Bernard
Just make up a phone call. It’s not a real call. Make it up.
Erin Hannon
Ohohohoh.
Andy Bernard
And come and tell me. Doesn’t matter what it is.
Erin Hannon
You’re not going to get it though?
Andy Bernard
I’m not going to take it. And then he’s going to be like “whoa this is a really important meeting”.
Erin Hannon
Copy that.
Andy Bernard
Okay.

Scene 02

31 lines
Andy Bernard
Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I’ll tell you how we can beat it.
Client
Uh well we’ve been going with…
Erin Hannon
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
You have a very important call.
Andy Bernard
I’m sorry – I’m with a very important client. It’ll have to wait.
Erin Hannon
Are you sure? It’s really, really important.
Andy Bernard
There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin Hannon
Really? Because your mother is dead.
Client
Oh my God.
Andy Bernard
I don’t think she’s dead.
Erin Hannon
She’s dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy Bernard
She’s not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin Hannon
This isn’t one of those times. It’s the police. They said it’s the worst they’ve ever seen.
Dwight Schrute
Andy I’m really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
Client
Oh you must take this call. It's…
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin Hannon
Line 2.
Andy Bernard
Hi.
Darryl Philbin
(on phone)It’s Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy Bernard
Ooh, gosh!
Darryl Philbin
Dude.
Andy Bernard
Officer.
Darryl Philbin
Look man this is a bad idea.
Andy Bernard
Did she have any last words or?
Darryl Philbin
Really? That is messed up man.
Andy Bernard
Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl Philbin
You’re a bad man Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard
That is so mom.
Darryl Philbin
That stuff can come back to get you. It’s called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle…
Andy Bernard
Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?

Scene 03

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Cathy.
Cathy
Hi.
Pam Beesly
How’s it going? Everything make sense?
Cathy
I think everything is under control.
Pam Beesly
Great.
Cathy
You should sit down.
Pam Beesly
Oh no, I’m fine.
Cathy
No I should go fill out my paperwork.
Pam Beesly
Ok (squeaking sound) Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this.
Dwight Schrute
Oh we know.

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
I’m training a temp to be my replacement while I’m on maternity leave. Oh I should’ve mentioned I’m pregnant. You probably didn’t notice because it’s impossible to tell I’m so small. But yeah I’m pregnant. (another squeak) Oh come on!

Scene 05

7 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey – asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?
Jim Halpert
Hmm. Doubt it.
Ryan Howard
Yeah me too.
Pam Beesly
You doubt it?
Jim Halpert
What’s that?
Pam Beesly
Why do you doubt that she’s single?
Jim Halpert
Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we’d save her from Ryan right?

Scene 06

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
What are you doing with my lunch?
Andy Bernard
I’m delivering it from the fridge. It’s like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?
Darryl Philbin
It’s not pizza.
Andy Bernard
Yeah and we’re not about to make love. I just thought maybe you’d want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.
Darryl Philbin
I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?
Andy Bernard
Uh you tell me (Kevin playing drums with chicken legs)

Scene 07

22 lines
Ryan Howard
So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.
Gabe Lewis
Well he’s probably a drug dealer. That’s the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow.
Toby Flenderson
It’s going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.
Offscreen
Good energy
Pam Beesly
It’s going to be good to have someone hot at Pam’s desk huh?
Oscar Martinez
No, no. Not even.
Pam Beesly
I’m kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She’s obviously super cute I get it. But I’d like to point out there’s 50 pounds more of me to love if that’s your thing.
Oscar Martinez
Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.
Toby Flenderson
Radiant.
Pam Beesly
Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah you have this sexy glow.
Gabe Lewis
It’s one of the most common fetishes.
Pam Beesly
Really well thank you all.
Toby Flenderson
You know it’s not just pregnant women who don’t get their due. You know who’s gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
Ryan Howard
Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?
Toby Flenderson
You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It’s a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Dwight Schrute
Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you’re saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.
Oscar Martinez
In this case yes.
Dwight Schrute
No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis Vance
No we’re not.
Dwight Schrute
Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That’s right. You’re fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.

Scene 08

21 lines
Andy Bernard
(scatting) Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray.
Darryl Philbin
Nice scatting, man.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.
Val
Not bad fellas, you're better than you look.
Kevin Malone
Hey, screw you!
Andy Bernard
(sees Robert California enter) Hey Robert, are we meeting early?
Robert California
Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?
Andy Bernard
Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.
Robert California
You're a band.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Kevin Malone
We're called Kevin and the Zits.
Darryl Philbin
That was never agreed upon.
Robert California
I miss being in a band.
Andy Bernard
Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!
Kevin Malone
I have a tambourine.
Robert California
Tambourine? You know I’m the CEO, right?
Andy Bernard
(to Kevin) CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.
Robert California
I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.
Andy Bernard
Great!
Kevin Malone
Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit!
Darryl Philbin
Again, never agreed upon.

Scene 09

4 lines
Andy Bernard
I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life!
Darryl Philbin
Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, even cooler.
Kevin Malone
We all got to go sometime.

Scene 10

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Helen Mirren. Hot?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Super pretty.
Pam Beesly
Huh. What about Cathy?
Jim Halpert
The temp?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Do you think she's hot?
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Pam Beesly
I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive?
Jim Halpert
And I'm telling you, I don't.
Pam Beesly
You don't find Cathy attractive?
Jim Halpert
No, I don't.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I’m not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

Scene 12

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? (Jim leaves)
Dwight Schrute
That's just absurd.
Pam Beesly
Yes, because she's hot, right?
Dwight Schrute
Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on.

Scene 13

1 line
Pam Beesly
The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth.

Scene 14

17 lines
Pam Beesly
Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight Schrute
Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
Pam Beesly
What about before? Was I attractive before?
Dwight Schrute
Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
Pam Beesly
Hmm. I think Jim’s lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.
Dwight Schrute
You think Jim’s lying? (laughs) That's so cute. I know he's lying.
Pam Beesly
Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.
Dwight Schrute
Done. (Pam goes for a high five) I never touch a pregnant woman.
Pam Beesly
Yep, that's the Dwight I need.
Dwight Schrute
If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.
Pam Beesly
I think so. Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Rule two: we stop at nothing.
Pam Beesly
Well, what does that... is that... okay.
Dwight Schrute
Rule three: Don't fall in love.
Pam Beesly
Yep, good.

Scene 15

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
We're gonna bust this guy.
Pam Beesly
Honesty is very important to me.
Dwight Schrute
So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.
Pam Beesly
Let's just see how we feel when we get there.

Scene 16

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam.
Dwight Schrute
None taken. What do you got?
Kelly Kapoor
It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot.
Pam Beesly
Hmm.

Scene 17

18 lines
Robert California
(to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer) Hey, you found us!
Curtis
You guys sound great, man.
Robert California
Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding.
Darryl Philbin
Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead.
Kevin Malone
(to drummer) Dude, you're on TV! You’re the sportscaster on channel seven.
Drummer
Go Eagles! (laughs)
Kevin Malone
You do that on TV!
Robert California
You guys mind if they join us?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, absolutely!
Kevin Malone
Guys, I've got some instruments right here. (holds up tambourine and güiro)
Darryl Philbin
Hey, why don't you and me play those?
Kevin Malone
Yeah? Okay, this is awesome.
Robert California
What should we play?
Kevin Malone
Maybe we should warm up with some scales?
Robert California
Midnight Rambler?
Curtis
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Midnight what?
Curtis
(singing) Have you heard about the midnight rambler? (Lisa, the guitarist, enters) Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah!

Scene 18

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I stand corrected.
Pam Beesly
I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas?
Jim Halpert
Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.
Pam Beesly
Mike Tibbets, really?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Howard
Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive?
Jim Halpert
Not his mom's car.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.
Jim Halpert
Touche?

Scene 19

11 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(sees photo of Mike Tibbets) Eww!
Pam Beesly
Kelly, calm down.
Kelly Kapoor
I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.
Pam Beesly
I don't think Jim cares about his hair.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person.
Dwight Schrute
I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer.
Pam Beesly
Jim's on to me.
Dwight Schrute
Hmm?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it.
Dwight Schrute
Just ugly enough to have deniability.
Pam Beesly
Yep.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

Scene 21

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body.
Kelly Kapoor
I'm gonna write something mean on his wall.
Pam Beesly
No, Kelly, don't.
Dwight Schrute
The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there.
Pam & Kelly
With the crotch?
Dwight Schrute
With the crotch.

Scene 22

1 line
Kevin Malone
(music plays) Whoo!

Scene 23

24 lines
Dwight Schrute
Psst. We're not here. (slips Toblerone candy to Creed)
Creed Bratton
Who said that?
Dwight Schrute
Exactly.
Creed Bratton
How'd I get this long triangle?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, just shut it.
Pam Beesly
Is he puffing out his chest?
Dwight Schrute
I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. (Jim says something and Cathy laughs) Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?
Pam Beesly
No. Maybe he just said something funny.
Dwight Schrute
Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.
Pam Beesly
I think he's just making her laugh.
Dwight Schrute
Time for me to find out.
Pam Beesly
Why's he making her laugh so much?
Dwight Schrute
Just going to walk over here- (fake trips) whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! (grabs Jim's crotch)
Jim Halpert
Dwight!
Cathy
Are you okay?
Dwight Schrute
I'm fine, I'm totally fine.
Jim Halpert
Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Yes? (Jim pushes Dwight's hands away) Wha- Jim.
Jim Halpert
(to Cathy) Sorry about that.
Dwight Schrute
Aw, cramp, I'm just- (grabs Jim's crotch again)
Jim Halpert
Dwight! (pushes Dwight's hands away) Why?
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.
Jim Halpert
Leave.
Dwight Schrute
(to Pam) Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

Scene 24

1 line
Pam Beesly
Why was he making her laugh so much?

Scene 25

15 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, I'll just be a second.
Cathy
Yeah, take your time.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Cathy
(to Jim) Oh, that line from Zoolander?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm?
Cathy
It was from a deleted scene so we were both right.
Jim Halpert
(laughs) Told you.
Cathy
Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or-
Pam Beesly
Oscar, Cathy has a question!
Cathy
Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Yeah?
Jim Halpert
You okay?
Pam Beesly
Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.
Jim Halpert
Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?
Pam Beesly
Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now.

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.

Scene 27

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do.

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
And she called it nuts?

Scene 29

10 lines
Darryl Philbin
Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going.
Kevin Malone
Mm-hmm.
Andy Bernard
Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Kevin Malone
Are you serious? From Star Trek?
Darryl Philbin
(to Val) Hey, you caught some of that?
Val
I caught it.
Darryl Philbin
What, you don't like the blues?
Val
I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.
Andy Bernard
Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. (music starts)
Val
I think the music left without you.

Scene 30

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
Come on.
Jim Halpert
Stop shoving me.
Dwight Schrute
(mocking) Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.
Jim Halpert
(to Pam) Really?
Pam Beesly
This could all go away if you just tell me the truth.
Old Man
Uh, are you all in line?
Dwight Schrute
Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? (to Jim) Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?
Jim Halpert
Si.
Pam Beesly
Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?
Dwight Schrute
We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.
Old Man
You have to share the machine with others.
Dwight Schrute
(mimicking) Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.
Jim Halpert
Okay, Dwight, come on. (to old man) You can go first.
Old Man
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, are you serious?
Jim Halpert
Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush.

Scene 31

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Maybe we could switch instruments.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right?

Scene 32

6 lines
Andy Bernard
We had to leave because of creative differences.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing.
Kevin Malone
Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now.
Darryl Philbin
No man, we are.
Andy Bernard
Well-
Darryl Philbin
No, no, no.

Scene 33

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(to old man) Okay, you're done.
Old Man
I have a new heart, you know.
Dwight Schrute
Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?

Scene 34

1 line
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.

Scene 35

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
Jim Halpert
No.
Dwight Schrute
Yep, he's lying.
Pam Beesly
Ah, see, was that so hard?
Jim Halpert
I am not lying.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Jim Halpert
Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test?
Dwight Schrute
I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?
Pam Beesly
Wait, what?
Dwight Schrute
Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.
Pam Beesly
Jim, you have high blood pressure.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.
Pam Beesly
Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, but I don't smoke.
Pam Beesly
When was the last time you went to the doctor?
Jim Halpert
I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-
Pam Beesly
Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you?
Jim Halpert
Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul.
Dwight Schrute
It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor.
Dwight Schrute
Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?
Pam Beesly
Just go home. It doesn't matter.
Dwight Schrute
But... hey, Cece's toothbrush.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.

Scene 36

6 lines
Andy & Darryl
Oh baby I love your way.
Darryl Philbin
Every day.
Andy & Darryl
Wanna be with you night and day.
Darryl & Kevin
And day.
Andy & Darryl
Oh baby I love your way.
Andy Bernard
(scatting) Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.