Scene 018 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh my God, kill me!Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (whispers to Jim) I'm gonna do it.Gabe LewisOpen quote: And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!
Scene 021 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.
Scene 042 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Or should I have corndogs. I mean-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm going into labor!
Scene 052 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm going into labor.
Scene 0621 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Here we go!Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's not fair, you guys.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Pitiful.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: It's stupid.Andy BernardOpen quote: Never cry wolf.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh. (liquid splatters)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh! Oh!EveryoneOpen quote: Oh! Oh my goodness!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm really in labor! This is happening!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh!Jim HalpertOpen quote: How do you feel?Erin HannonOpen quote: Drive carefully!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Good luck!EveryoneOpen quote: Goodbye! Good luck! (empty bottle falls to the ground)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: False alarm.
Scene 071 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: (on the phone) What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there.
Scene 081 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.
Scene 098 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?Erin HannonOpen quote: It's right here in PA.Andy BernardOpen quote: (gags, coughs) Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.Andy BernardOpen quote: That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Actually it is the northernmost.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ha!
Scene 101 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. (scoffs) Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.
Scene 1112 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Charge!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, this could be fun. I-Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?Ryan HowardOpen quote: What's the halal option?Andy BernardOpen quote: Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Out.Andy BernardOpen quote: You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?Erin HannonOpen quote: I'm in.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I'm in too.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.Andy BernardOpen quote: Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yes!
Scene 125 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (passes out hats) One for you.Erin HannonOpen quote: Cool. Thanks.Andy BernardOpen quote: And one for you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Cool. Thanks. (puts his hat on Erin's head)Andy BernardOpen quote: And- oh. You missed your head. (laughs and puts hat on Jim's head) There you go. Phyllis, think fast!
Scene 136 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?Andy BernardOpen quote: It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it.EveryoneOpen quote: Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!Andy BernardOpen quote: All right, all right, all right.
Scene 1412 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Not food and stuff.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Here. Like it?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: The fire pit is a no-brainer.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Oh, hi there.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Where is everyone? Where is Andy?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! (wakes her up) Excited!
Scene 1616 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: You guys...Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: J-j-j-ju...Andy BernardOpen quote: Get excited!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Shh! Movie's almost over.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right! We're here. Limitless can wait.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'Andy BernardOpen quote: Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I got Source Code on the way back.EveryoneOpen quote: Ooh! All right!Andy BernardOpen quote: Woo!Andy BernardOpen quote: Whoa, where you going?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah, sign says "Begin tour here."Andy BernardOpen quote: Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.
Scene 1730 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.Erin HannonOpen quote: (to Dwight) Yeah, but I'm confused...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...Erin HannonOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. (laughs) I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The truth.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.Erin HannonOpen quote: Interesting.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-Oscar MartinezOpen quote: he's a historian.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yes, yes, yes!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not by a long shot!Erin HannonOpen quote: No!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yes!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, it was not!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Argh!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Erin-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.Erin HannonOpen quote: Get out of here!
Scene 187 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?Ryan HowardOpen quote: May I go first?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Absolutely.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: That was bad.
Scene 195 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: In the African-American community-Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (murmurs) Thought it was worth a try.
Scene 2011 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?Park RangerOpen quote: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excuse me, I got a question for you.Park RangerOpen quote: Sure.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?Park RangerOpen quote: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.Andy BernardOpen quote: We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!ChelseaOpen quote: (taps Gabe's shoulder) Are you Lincoln?Gabe LewisOpen quote: No, no, I'm-
Scene 214 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it. Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Okay, Quick.ManOpen quote: Hey! Lincoln's starting. (light applause)Gabe LewisOpen quote: Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- (laughter) Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. (laughter)
Scene 223 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I am not.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Scene 231 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.
Scene 245 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Cookies. Cookie placement.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? (everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs) There you go. Consensus.
Scene 251 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.
Scene 262 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: (as Lincoln) I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.AudienceOpen quote: No!
Scene 275 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: 'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... (scoffs) like, forget it.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. (laughs)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Thank you.
Scene 2812 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?Andy BernardOpen quote: Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hunger for hamburger.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: That's good.Andy BernardOpen quote: Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? (holds up flag) I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Only two hundred dollars?Andy BernardOpen quote: We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.Andy BernardOpen quote: Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!
Scene 296 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Spangler Springs is a mile this way.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh wow. So that’s two miles if you incorporate the walk back.Andy BernardOpen quote: Its… I mean come on.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I don’t think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.Andy BernardOpen quote: Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasn’t rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I’m still going. And I’m not going to ask anymore. I’m not even going to look back. I’m just going to assume that you’re with me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Andy looks back to find everyone sitting) You said you weren’t going to look back.
Scene 304 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I don’t know.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Right. I mean you’re an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yes. I am an accountant.
Scene 317 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Dwight – this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.ArchivistOpen quote: Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You’ve heard about it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.
Scene 329 linesArchivistOpen quote: There you go.NarratorOpen quote: Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.SoldierOpen quote: Dearest mother I’m sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hallowed ground.NarratorOpen quote: But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.AmandaOpen quote: (on film) You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers – these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive… and well… fabulous.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I’ve seen enough.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You’re right. There should be a monument to this.
Scene 3311 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Never trust a cookie with a woman’s name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They’ll just break your heart.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (laughing) Kevin!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What?!? No!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.Ryan HowardOpen quote: It’s really, really good Robert. Let me explain.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He’s trying to steal it because he’s jealous of me.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Well what is the idea?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.Ryan HowardOpen quote: You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. (patting Kevin on the back) That is 100 percent your idea.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?
Scene 3414 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (making pencil imprint) Dammit.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey.Andy BernardOpen quote: You guys came. Where’s everyone else?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah sorry everyone else didn’t come. I think they’re just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.Andy BernardOpen quote: Even without an audience you’re still at it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are you talking about?Andy BernardOpen quote: Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That’s what you did with this trip.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Andy – this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It’s just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you’re our regional manager. And guess what man? You don’t have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don’t believe me take a look at what’s on my head. I’m wearing a very pink hat. I’ve been getting weird looks all day because I’m pretty sure “DM does GB” means something kinda sexual. But guess who’s wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That’s huge.Andy BernardOpen quote: You don’t like the hats?Jim HalpertOpen quote: They’re terrible.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I hate myself.Andy BernardOpen quote: They just didn’t turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.
Scene 351 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: (voiceover the three walking) The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that’s good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it’s really more like they’re just people who work in an office and I’m their manager. Yeah that’s really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.
Scene 361 lineGabe LewisOpen quote: Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. (in Lincoln voice) Oh Mary this is wonderful… Ok Mary stop your scolding. I’ll be quiet. (aside to the audience) I need her like I need a hole in the head! (scattered chuckles from the crowd) (Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head) BANG! Ooh (Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink “DM does GB” hat and runs off)