Every line from The Office episode "Gettysburg", season 8 episode 8.
Gabe Lewis: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, kill me!
Andy Bernard: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.
Gabe Lewis: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-
Pam Beesly: (whispers to Jim) I'm gonna do it.
Gabe Lewis: And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Pam Beesly: Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!
Jim Halpert: Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!
Andy Bernard: Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it.
Oscar Martinez: It's not fair, you guys.
Meredith Palmer: It's stupid.
Andy Bernard: Never cry wolf.
Erin Hannon: Oh. (liquid splatters)
Everyone: Oh! Oh my goodness!
Pam Beesly: I'm really in labor! This is happening!
Jim Halpert: Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!
Jim Halpert: How do you feel?
Erin Hannon: Drive carefully!
Oscar Martinez: Good luck!
Everyone: Goodbye! Good luck! (empty bottle falls to the ground)
Andy Bernard: Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?
Erin Hannon: It's right here in PA.
Andy Bernard: (gags, coughs) Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-
Angela Martin: Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.
Andy Bernard: That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!
Dwight Schrute: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar Martinez: Actually it is the northernmost.
Phyllis Vance: Well, this could be fun. I-
Andy Bernard: Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?
Ryan Howard: What's the halal option?
Andy Bernard: Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.
Andy Bernard: You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?
Phyllis Vance: I'm in too.
Dwight Schrute: Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.
Andy Bernard: Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.
Andy Bernard: (passes out hats) One for you.
Erin Hannon: Cool. Thanks.
Andy Bernard: And one for you.
Jim Halpert: Cool. Thanks. (puts his hat on Erin's head)
Andy Bernard: And- oh. You missed your head. (laughs and puts hat on Jim's head) There you go. Phyllis, think fast!
Andy Bernard: All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.
Darryl Philbin: You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.
Phyllis Vance: Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?
Andy Bernard: It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it.
Everyone: Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!
Andy Bernard: All right, all right, all right.
Kevin Malone: Not food and stuff.
Pam Beesly: Here. Like it?
Kevin Malone: Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit.
Pam Beesly: I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.
Kevin Malone: The fire pit is a no-brainer.
Robert California: Oh, hi there.
Pam Beesly: Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.
Robert California: Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Kelly Kapoor: Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.
Robert California: Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.
Ryan Howard: Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.
Robert California: So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! (wakes her up) Excited!
Andy Bernard: You guys...
Darryl Philbin: J-j-j-ju...
Andy Bernard: Get excited!
Darryl Philbin: Shh! Movie's almost over.
Andy Bernard: All right! We're here. Limitless can wait.
Gabe Lewis: Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'
Andy Bernard: Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.
Darryl Philbin: I got Source Code on the way back.
Everyone: Ooh! All right!
Andy Bernard: Whoa, where you going?
Jim Halpert: Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.
Jim Halpert: No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, sign says "Begin tour here."
Andy Bernard: Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.
Andy Bernard: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.
Erin Hannon: (to Dwight) Yeah, but I'm confused...
Dwight Schrute: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...
Dwight Schrute: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Erin Hannon: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. (laughs) I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.
Oscar Martinez: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
Dwight Schrute: The truth.
Oscar Martinez: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.
Erin Hannon: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.
Erin Hannon: Interesting.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.
Oscar Martinez: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-
Oscar Martinez: he's a historian.
Dwight Schrute: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?
Oscar Martinez: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight Schrute: Not by a long shot!
Dwight Schrute: No, it was not!
Dwight Schrute: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?
Dwight Schrute: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Dwight Schrute: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.
Erin Hannon: Get out of here!
Robert California: I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?
Ryan Howard: May I go first?
Robert California: Absolutely.
Ryan Howard: Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.
Robert California: This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?
Ryan Howard: Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-
Robert California: That was bad.
Stanley Hudson: If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.
Robert California: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
Stanley Hudson: In the African-American community-
Stanley Hudson: (murmurs) Thought it was worth a try.
Darryl Philbin: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?
Park Ranger: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, I got a question for you.
Dwight Schrute: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Park Ranger: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.
Dwight Schrute: Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
Oscar Martinez: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.
Andy Bernard: We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!
Chelsea: (taps Gabe's shoulder) Are you Lincoln?
Gabe Lewis: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.
Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.
Man: Hey! Lincoln's starting. (light applause)
Gabe Lewis: Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- (laughter) Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. (laughter)
Pam Beesly: Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.
Robert California: I am not.
Pam Beesly: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Robert California: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.
Kevin Malone: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...
Robert California: Cookies. Cookie placement.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'
Robert California: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? (everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs) There you go. Consensus.
Kevin Malone: 'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... (scoffs) like, forget it.
Robert California: Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Stanley Hudson: how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.
Robert California: That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. (laughs)
Jim Halpert: By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?
Andy Bernard: Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.
Andy Bernard: Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.
Darryl Philbin: Hunger for hamburger.
Erin Hannon: Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?
Darryl Philbin: That's good.
Andy Bernard: Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? (holds up flag) I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.
Jim Halpert: Only two hundred dollars?
Andy Bernard: We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.
Darryl Philbin: Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.
Andy Bernard: Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!
Andy Bernard: Spangler Springs is a mile this way.
Jim Halpert: Oh wow. So that’s two miles if you incorporate the walk back.
Andy Bernard: Its… I mean come on.
Phyllis Vance: I don’t think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.
Andy Bernard: Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasn’t rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I’m still going. And I’m not going to ask anymore. I’m not even going to look back. I’m just going to assume that you’re with me.
Dwight Schrute: (Andy looks back to find everyone sitting) You said you weren’t going to look back.
Robert California: And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Kevin Malone: I don’t know.
Robert California: Right. I mean you’re an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin Malone: Yes. I am an accountant.
Oscar Martinez: Dwight – this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.
Dwight Schrute: Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
Archivist: Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
Oscar Martinez: You’ve heard about it?
Dwight Schrute: YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.
Narrator: Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: Dearest mother I’m sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight Schrute: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda: (on film) You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers – these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive… and well… fabulous.
Oscar Martinez: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight Schrute: I’ve seen enough.
Oscar Martinez: You’re right. There should be a monument to this.
Kevin Malone: Never trust a cookie with a woman’s name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They’ll just break your heart.
Robert California: (laughing) Kevin!
Ryan Howard: Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Kevin Malone: What?!? No!
Robert California: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Ryan Howard: It’s really, really good Robert. Let me explain.
Kevin Malone: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He’s trying to steal it because he’s jealous of me.
Robert California: Well what is the idea?
Kevin Malone: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
Ryan Howard: You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. (patting Kevin on the back) That is 100 percent your idea.
Robert California: Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?
Andy Bernard: (making pencil imprint) Dammit.
Andy Bernard: You guys came. Where’s everyone else?
Darryl Philbin: Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.
Andy Bernard: Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.
Jim Halpert: Yeah sorry everyone else didn’t come. I think they’re just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.
Andy Bernard: Even without an audience you’re still at it.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard: Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That’s what you did with this trip.
Jim Halpert: Andy – this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It’s just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you’re our regional manager. And guess what man? You don’t have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don’t believe me take a look at what’s on my head. I’m wearing a very pink hat. I’ve been getting weird looks all day because I’m pretty sure “DM does GB” means something kinda sexual. But guess who’s wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That’s huge.
Andy Bernard: You don’t like the hats?
Jim Halpert: They’re terrible.
Darryl Philbin: I hate myself.
Andy Bernard: They just didn’t turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 8 season 8. Gettysburg is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.