Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Gettysburg

Vol. 8 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Andy’s trying to inspire the team with a field trip to a battlefield, but those "DM does GB" hats aren't exactly a hit. Back at the office, Robert California is convinced Kevin is a business genius because of his thoughts on cookies. Every line from the episode is listed here, so you can catch all of Dwight’s questionable history lessons and Gabe’s accidental Lincoln performance.

Scene 01

8 lines
Gabe Lewis
The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, kill me!
Andy Bernard
Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.
Gabe Lewis
Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-
Pam Beesly
(whispers to Jim) I'm gonna do it.
Gabe Lewis
And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Pam Beesly
Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!
Jim Halpert
Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
(after Angela gives her a stack of files): I'm going into labor!

Scene 04

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
Or should I have corndogs. I mean-
Pam Beesly
I'm going into labor!

Scene 05

2 lines
Ryan Howard
Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-
Pam Beesly
I'm going into labor.

Scene 06

21 lines
Pam Beesly
Here we go!
Andy Bernard
Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
It's not fair, you guys.
Kelly Kapoor
Pitiful.
Meredith Palmer
It's stupid.
Andy Bernard
Never cry wolf.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Erin Hannon
Oh. (liquid splatters)
Pam Beesly
Oh! Oh!
Everyone
Oh! Oh my goodness!
Jim Halpert
Oh my God!
Pam Beesly
I'm really in labor! This is happening!
Jim Halpert
Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!
Pam Beesly
Oh!
Jim Halpert
How do you feel?
Erin Hannon
Drive carefully!
Oscar Martinez
Good luck!
Everyone
Goodbye! Good luck! (empty bottle falls to the ground)
Pam Beesly
False alarm.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
(on the phone) What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there.

Scene 08

1 line
Andy Bernard
I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.

Scene 09

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?
Erin Hannon
It's right here in PA.
Andy Bernard
(gags, coughs) Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-
Angela Martin
Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.
Andy Bernard
That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!
Dwight Schrute
Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar Martinez
Actually it is the northernmost.
Dwight Schrute
Ha!

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. (scoffs) Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

Scene 11

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Charge!
Phyllis Vance
Well, this could be fun. I-
Andy Bernard
Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?
Ryan Howard
What's the halal option?
Andy Bernard
Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.
Ryan Howard
Out.
Andy Bernard
You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?
Erin Hannon
I'm in.
Phyllis Vance
I'm in too.
Dwight Schrute
Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.
Andy Bernard
Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.
Kevin Malone
Yes!

Scene 12

5 lines
Andy Bernard
(passes out hats) One for you.
Erin Hannon
Cool. Thanks.
Andy Bernard
And one for you.
Jim Halpert
Cool. Thanks. (puts his hat on Erin's head)
Andy Bernard
And- oh. You missed your head. (laughs and puts hat on Jim's head) There you go. Phyllis, think fast!

Scene 13

6 lines
Andy Bernard
All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.
Darryl Philbin
You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.
Phyllis Vance
Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?
Andy Bernard
It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it.
Everyone
Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!
Andy Bernard
All right, all right, all right.

Scene 14

12 lines
Kevin Malone
Not food and stuff.
Pam Beesly
Here. Like it?
Kevin Malone
Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit.
Pam Beesly
I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.
Kevin Malone
The fire pit is a no-brainer.
Robert California
Oh, hi there.
Pam Beesly
Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.
Robert California
Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Kelly Kapoor
Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.
Robert California
Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.
Ryan Howard
Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.
Robert California
So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! (wakes her up) Excited!

Scene 15

1 line
Kevin Malone
(tries stapler/marker combo) Okay.

Scene 16

16 lines
Andy Bernard
You guys...
Darryl Philbin
J-j-j-ju...
Andy Bernard
Get excited!
Darryl Philbin
Shh! Movie's almost over.
Andy Bernard
All right! We're here. Limitless can wait.
Gabe Lewis
Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'
Andy Bernard
Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.
Darryl Philbin
I got Source Code on the way back.
Everyone
Ooh! All right!
Andy Bernard
Woo!
Andy Bernard
Whoa, where you going?
Jim Halpert
Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.
Jim Halpert
No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, sign says "Begin tour here."
Andy Bernard
Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.

Scene 17

30 lines
Andy Bernard
After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.
Erin Hannon
(to Dwight) Yeah, but I'm confused...
Dwight Schrute
Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...
Erin Hannon
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Erin Hannon
Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. (laughs) I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.
Oscar Martinez
Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
Dwight Schrute
The truth.
Oscar Martinez
Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.
Erin Hannon
Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.
Erin Hannon
Interesting.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.
Oscar Martinez
Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-
Oscar Martinez
he's a historian.
Dwight Schrute
Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?
Oscar Martinez
Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight Schrute
Not by a long shot!
Erin Hannon
No!
Oscar Martinez
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
No, it was not!
Oscar Martinez
Argh!
Dwight Schrute
No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?
Oscar Martinez
What?
Dwight Schrute
Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Oscar Martinez
Erin-
Dwight Schrute
Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.
Erin Hannon
Get out of here!

Scene 18

7 lines
Robert California
I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?
Ryan Howard
May I go first?
Robert California
Absolutely.
Ryan Howard
Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.
Robert California
This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?
Ryan Howard
Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-
Robert California
That was bad.

Scene 19

5 lines
Stanley Hudson
If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.
Robert California
The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
Stanley Hudson
In the African-American community-
Robert California
No.
Stanley Hudson
(murmurs) Thought it was worth a try.

Scene 20

11 lines
Darryl Philbin
That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?
Park Ranger
Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me, I got a question for you.
Park Ranger
Sure.
Dwight Schrute
Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Park Ranger
Uh, I haven't heard of that one.
Dwight Schrute
Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
Oscar Martinez
I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.
Andy Bernard
We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!
Chelsea
(taps Gabe's shoulder) Are you Lincoln?
Gabe Lewis
No, no, I'm-

Scene 21

4 lines
Gabe Lewis
Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it. Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.
Gabe Lewis
Okay, Quick.
Man
Hey! Lincoln's starting. (light applause)
Gabe Lewis
Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- (laughter) Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. (laughter)

Scene 22

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.
Robert California
I am not.
Pam Beesly
Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.

Scene 24

5 lines
Robert California
Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.
Kevin Malone
Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...
Robert California
Cookies. Cookie placement.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'
Robert California
Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? (everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs) There you go. Consensus.

Scene 25

1 line
Ryan Howard
Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.

Scene 26

2 lines
Gabe Lewis
(as Lincoln) I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.
Audience
No!

Scene 27

5 lines
Kevin Malone
'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... (scoffs) like, forget it.
Robert California
Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Stanley Hudson
how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.
Robert California
That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. (laughs)
Kevin Malone
Thank you.

Scene 28

12 lines
Jim Halpert
By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?
Andy Bernard
Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.
Andy Bernard
Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.
Darryl Philbin
Hunger for hamburger.
Erin Hannon
Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?
Darryl Philbin
That's good.
Andy Bernard
Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? (holds up flag) I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.
Jim Halpert
Only two hundred dollars?
Andy Bernard
We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.
Darryl Philbin
Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.
Andy Bernard
Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!

Scene 29

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Spangler Springs is a mile this way.
Jim Halpert
Oh wow. So that’s two miles if you incorporate the walk back.
Andy Bernard
Its… I mean come on.
Phyllis Vance
I don’t think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.
Andy Bernard
Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasn’t rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I’m still going. And I’m not going to ask anymore. I’m not even going to look back. I’m just going to assume that you’re with me.
Dwight Schrute
(Andy looks back to find everyone sitting) You said you weren’t going to look back.

Scene 30

4 lines
Robert California
And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Kevin Malone
I don’t know.
Robert California
Right. I mean you’re an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin Malone
Yes. I am an accountant.

Scene 31

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
Dwight – this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
Archivist
Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
Oscar Martinez
You’ve heard about it?
Dwight Schrute
YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.

Scene 32

9 lines
Archivist
There you go.
Narrator
Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier
Dearest mother I’m sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight Schrute
Hallowed ground.
Narrator
But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda
(on film) You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers – these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive… and well… fabulous.
Oscar Martinez
Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight Schrute
I’ve seen enough.
Oscar Martinez
You’re right. There should be a monument to this.

Scene 33

11 lines
Kevin Malone
Never trust a cookie with a woman’s name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They’ll just break your heart.
Robert California
(laughing) Kevin!
Ryan Howard
Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Kevin Malone
What?!? No!
Robert California
Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Ryan Howard
It’s really, really good Robert. Let me explain.
Kevin Malone
No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He’s trying to steal it because he’s jealous of me.
Robert California
Well what is the idea?
Kevin Malone
Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
Ryan Howard
You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. (patting Kevin on the back) That is 100 percent your idea.
Robert California
Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?

Scene 34

14 lines
Andy Bernard
(making pencil imprint) Dammit.
Darryl Philbin
Hey.
Andy Bernard
You guys came. Where’s everyone else?
Darryl Philbin
Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.
Andy Bernard
Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.
Jim Halpert
Yeah sorry everyone else didn’t come. I think they’re just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.
Andy Bernard
Even without an audience you’re still at it.
Jim Halpert
What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard
Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That’s what you did with this trip.
Jim Halpert
Andy – this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It’s just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you’re our regional manager. And guess what man? You don’t have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don’t believe me take a look at what’s on my head. I’m wearing a very pink hat. I’ve been getting weird looks all day because I’m pretty sure “DM does GB” means something kinda sexual. But guess who’s wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That’s huge.
Andy Bernard
You don’t like the hats?
Jim Halpert
They’re terrible.
Darryl Philbin
I hate myself.
Andy Bernard
They just didn’t turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.

Scene 35

1 line
Andy Bernard
(voiceover the three walking) The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that’s good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it’s really more like they’re just people who work in an office and I’m their manager. Yeah that’s really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.

Scene 36

1 line
Gabe Lewis
Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. (in Lincoln voice) Oh Mary this is wonderful… Ok Mary stop your scolding. I’ll be quiet. (aside to the audience) I need her like I need a hole in the head! (scattered chuckles from the crowd) (Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head) BANG! Ooh (Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink “DM does GB” hat and runs off)