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Season 8 Episode 9
Mrs. California

Every line from The Office episode "Mrs. California", season 8 episode 9.

Dwight Schrute: (knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk) Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.
Dwight Schrute: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.
Dwight Schrute: Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you’re in a suicide cult.
Creed Bratton: No. No. No. You’re way off on that one.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yeah?
Oscar Martinez: Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.
Jim Halpert: Hey guys let’s just all admit it. Ok? Dwight’s better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he’s never, ever going to go back on it right?
Dwight Schrute: That’s right Jim.
Darryl Philbin: Hey man.
Dwight Schrute: (jumping up from an almost sitting position) Hey.
Darryl Philbin: Taking a load off huh?
Dwight Schrute: No. Putting a load on more like it.
Darryl Philbin: Good luck with that.
Dwight Schrute: Last thing I need is luck. (hunches down again)
Dwight Schrute: (to Angela) Thank you so much. (hums)
Jim Halpert: (sees a pole poking out Dwight’s pant leg) What are you up to? Oops look out! (grabs Dwight's wallet)
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Jim Halpert: Prank! (throws money from Dwight’s wallet on the floor)
Dwight Schrute: Oh that’s real creative.
Jim Halpert: You know what it’s not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?
Dwight Schrute: I could, but I just don’t feel like it loser.
Jim Halpert: Because you’re sitting?
Dwight Schrute: Standing.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Don’t!
Jim Halpert: Because you’re sitting?
Dwight Schrute: Standing.
Jim Halpert: You know I have to do this.
Dwight Schrute: I know. (Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams)
Andy Bernard: (signing his name) Andrew… Baines… Bernard.
Jim Halpert: I think you could just do Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard: Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it’s like taking a test, but I know the answers.
Robert California: (loudly knocking on the window) In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. (to Mrs. California) There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?
Andy Bernard: What was that?
Jim Halpert: I don’t know. He wasn’t talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn’t hire his wife.
Ryan Howard: That’s why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. They’re not going to know what hit them.
Robert California: Everyone. I’d like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.
Susan: Hello. Oh call me Susan please.
Robert California: Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she’s here today to see if there’s a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.
Susan: Hello nice to meet you.
Andy Bernard: Hey there. It’s a pleasure.
Robert California: Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she’ll shine.
Andy Bernard: I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We’re 100 percent staffed up.
Robert California: Andy. Let’s see if there’s a good fit first. Then we’ll talk.
Andy Bernard: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Darryl Philbin: You don’t have to say it if you’re doing it.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Darryl Philbin: Uh weight lifting yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Well today’s your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Darryl Philbin: I’ll take a look.
Dwight Schrute: Your path from obesity begins right here!
Darryl Philbin: I’ve been meaning to join a gym. (narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val) For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.
Dwight Schrute: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.
Andy Bernard: Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.
Susan: Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.
Ryan Howard: Actually Ryan.
Susan: Oh, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: Bitttch!
Andy Bernard: We will start here at Erinville.
Susan: Hi.
Erin Hannon: Hoo-hoo!
Andy Bernard: Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
Erin Hannon: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Andy Bernard: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.
Robert California: Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn’t you agree Andy?
Andy Bernard: I’ll explore exploring it.
Robert California: Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I’ll just duck out and run the company for a while.
Andy Bernard: Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. (Jim laughs nervously) Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Jim Halpert: Well it’s sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you do. Hi. I’m Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It’s paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Andy Bernard: Jim?
Jim Halpert: Well it’s not that easy. It’s kind of sometimes difficult.
Dwight Schrute: It’s the second easiest job in the world. (to camera) Being a mom.
Susan: I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.
Dwight Schrute: That is true.
Andy Bernard: You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Dwight Schrute: That’s me.
Andy Bernard: Dwight why don’t you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe over a beer after she’s closed her first sale (makes gun click noise).
Susan: Well make that a red wine and I’ll tell you my animal rankings (makes gun click noise back).
Andy Bernard: Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? (montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan). The entire office is being nice to her than they’ve ever been to me. What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’ classic room clearing farts right now.
Dwight Schrute: Ready? What do you think?
Darryl Philbin: Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.
Dwight Schrute: You haven’t even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke (squats, grunts and lifts) Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station (tries and fails to tear a phone book in half). You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let’s go over membership. I’m going to need the first month’s and the last month’s up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month…
Darryl Philbin: Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I’m not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.
Dwight Schrute: Darryl... (picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire)
Darryl Philbin: Make a real gym.
Susan: I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.
Andy Bernard: But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Susan: Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.
Andy Bernard: Those are fully staffed as well.
Robert California: Are you telling me that there’s no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
Andy Bernard: (laughing nervously) Yes.
Robert California: I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
Andy Bernard: Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
Susan: Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there’s no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don’t we just let it go.
Robert California: No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.
Andy Bernard: There are lots of considerations.
Robert California: I would be eternally grateful. It’s not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Andy Bernard: Alright. Well then welcome aboard.
Susan: So what happens next?
Andy Bernard: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. (phone rings) Hang on. Hello?
Robert California: (on phone) Say hello grandma.
Andy Bernard: Hi gam-gam.
Robert California: Hold one finger up to Susan. You’ll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, “are you taking your medicine?”
Andy Bernard: Are you taking your med-meds?
Robert California: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. (Robert and Andy hang up phones)
Susan: You didn’t say goodbye to your grandma.
Andy Bernard: We promised we’d never say goodbye.
Dwight Schrute: Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.
Oscar Martinez: All I need is another gym. As if I don’t have enough drama.
Phyllis Vance: We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.
Oscar Martinez: Who’s spotting who? Don’t use the bike in the corner. That’s Bruce’s. Jeremy says…
Angela Martin: Enough Oscar, enough.
Dwight Schrute: Kelly?
Kelly Kapoor: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.
Dwight Schrute: That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.
Toby Flenderson: Did you bring your passport with you?
Susan: Who walks around with their passport?
Toby Flenderson: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.
Susan: Have you had any?
Toby Flenderson: No.
Andy Bernard: (sees Susan is busy in the annex) Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.
Oscar Martinez: Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?
Andy & Oscar: it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.
Kevin Malone: How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.
Angela Martin: This is all pathetic.
Andy Bernard: I am not asking, I am ordering.
Oscar Martinez: How mean are we talking about?
Andy Bernard: It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.
Erin Hannon: Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.
Erin Hannon: Here you go. (gives Susan a tiny stapler)
Susan: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.
Erin Hannon: Well that's a sales desk.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.
Jim Halpert: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.
Oscar Martinez: That's Gerald. (hands phone to Jim)
Jim Halpert: Oh, wow. So cute.
Susan: Oh, that is so cute-
Phyllis Vance: (grabs phone) Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, he's in a ladle.
Erin Hannon: That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?
Oscar Martinez: He did it himself.
Phyllis Vance: Is that ladle stainless or...
Oscar Martinez: Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.
Susan: Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. (Jim chuckles)
Oscar Martinez: It's not that kind of ladle.
Jim Halpert: Very cute. (holds out the phone)
Susan: Aw, let me see-
Oscar Martinez: (grabs phone) Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this.
Susan: I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.
Susan: Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.
Robert California: Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.
Andy Bernard: (in robot voice) What is going on?
Robert California: (chuckles) Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.
Andy Bernard: Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?
Susan: Do you not want me here?
Andy Bernard: Why would you say that?
Susan: It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.
Andy Bernard: It's not that, exactly.
Susan: But it is something.
Andy Bernard: Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.
Susan: Why would you not want me working here?
Andy Bernard: I don't know. (chuckles)
Susan: I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?
Andy Bernard: Yes! The dude is an enigma.
Susan: Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?
Andy Bernard: Ah... (stammers)
Susan: Got it.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think you're doing?
Darryl Philbin: Getting my sweat on.
Dwight Schrute: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?
Darryl Philbin: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Dwight Schrute: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Darryl Philbin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Eight minutes!
Darryl Philbin: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight Schrute: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? (points) I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Darryl Philbin: It's Lejon Brames.
Dwight Schrute: That's what I said.
Darryl Philbin: You know, get it right.
Dwight Schrute: I know.
Andy Bernard: (to Susan) Cameras...
Robert California: (enters) Oh, still here. Terrific.
Susan: Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.
Robert California: Well that's a shame.
Andy Bernard: It just was one of those things-
Susan: Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.
Robert California: Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?
Susan: No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.
Robert California: What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.
Susan: You sure about that?
Robert California: Absolutely.
Susan: No games?
Robert California: No games.
Susan: Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.
Robert California: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.
Susan: Andy?
Andy Bernard: Yes?
Susan: Why do you keep looking at my husband?
Robert California: Andy, just answer the question.
Andy Bernard: No games?
Robert California: No games.
Andy Bernard: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." (laughs)
Robert California: You lying son of a bitch!
Robert California: Tell my wife you're lying.
Andy Bernard: I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.
Susan: That's not true, is it?
Andy Bernard: No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.
Robert California: This is preposterous.
Susan: Robert...
Robert California: Let's get Jim in here. (Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim) Where's Jim?
Erin Hannon: He just rolled out and crawled out.
Robert California: Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.
Jim Halpert: (to Hank who is closing the gate) Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. (runs)
Robert California: (sees Jim's abandoned car) That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.
Jim Halpert: (shoe falls while climbing ladder) Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. (grunts) Creed. I was never here, all right?
Creed Bratton: Okay. What about your friend?
Jim Halpert: Oh boy.
Dwight Schrute: This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.
Dwight Schrute: First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.
Darryl Philbin: Okay, I'm not doing that.
Dwight Schrute: Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!
Gabe Lewis: I didn't know Darryl joined.
Darryl Philbin: Looks that way.
Gabe Lewis: Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.
Robert California: Hello Jim. (Jim tries to escape)
Andy Bernard: (grabs Jim's leg) No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!
Robert California: So I think you know what we want to know.
Jim Halpert: Do I?
Robert California: Yes.
Jim Halpert: (mutters) I know, I do.
Andy Bernard: Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.
Jim Halpert: I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can...
Susan: For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?
Jim Halpert: That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.
Andy Bernard: (laughs) I think we've got ourselves an answer.
Robert California: No.
Andy Bernard: That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.
Jim Halpert: Perfect!
Susan: Jim...
Jim Halpert: Yes?
Susan: Answer the question, please.
Jim Halpert: (sighs) I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.
Robert California: All right. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Yes. All right. Great. (leaves)
Andy Bernard: Uh...
Robert California: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: Yep.
Susan: (Robert holds the door, she walks through) Thank you. (leaves)
Robert California: (claps Andy's shoulder) Heh.
Susan: Andy.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Mrs. California.
Susan: Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.
Andy Bernard: You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.
Susan: Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Susan: Well, different circumstances.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Susan: Who knows?
Andy Bernard: Who knows?
Susan: Maybe after all this settles down...
Andy Bernard: Totally.
Susan: It's a date.
Andy Bernard: Hmm?
Dwight Schrute: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?
Darryl Philbin: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!
Darryl Philbin: Dwight, come back and spot me.
Dwight Schrute: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?
Darryl Philbin: To push this bar up.
Dwight Schrute: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?
Darryl Philbin: Help me!
Dwight Schrute: What do you want!?!
Darryl Philbin: To look good for Val!
Dwight Schrute: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 9 season 8. Mrs. California is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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