Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Mrs. California

Vol. 8 · Issue 9Scranton, PA

Here are all the lines from the episode where Robert California tries to sabotage his wife's job hunt. You'll find every awkward exchange between Andy and Susan, plus the full script of Dwight's bizarre 'Gym for Muscles' sales pitch to Darryl. It's the perfect place to find that one specific Jim Halpert excuse you've been looking for.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk) Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.

Scene 03

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you’re in a suicide cult.
Creed Bratton
No. No. No. You’re way off on that one.
Dwight Schrute
Oh yeah?
Oscar Martinez
Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.
Jim Halpert
Hey guys let’s just all admit it. Ok? Dwight’s better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he’s never, ever going to go back on it right?
Dwight Schrute
That’s right Jim.

Scene 04

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey man.
Dwight Schrute
(jumping up from an almost sitting position) Hey.
Darryl Philbin
Taking a load off huh?
Dwight Schrute
No. Putting a load on more like it.
Darryl Philbin
Good luck with that.
Dwight Schrute
Last thing I need is luck. (hunches down again)

Scene 05

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
(to Angela) Thank you so much. (hums)
Jim Halpert
(sees a pole poking out Dwight’s pant leg) What are you up to? Oops look out! (grabs Dwight's wallet)
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Jim Halpert
Prank! (throws money from Dwight’s wallet on the floor)
Dwight Schrute
Oh that’s real creative.
Jim Halpert
You know what it’s not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?
Dwight Schrute
I could, but I just don’t feel like it loser.
Jim Halpert
Because you’re sitting?
Dwight Schrute
Standing.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Don’t!
Jim Halpert
Because you’re sitting?
Dwight Schrute
Standing.
Jim Halpert
You know I have to do this.
Dwight Schrute
I know. (Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams)

Scene 06

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(signing his name) Andrew… Baines… Bernard.
Jim Halpert
I think you could just do Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard
Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it’s like taking a test, but I know the answers.
Robert California
(loudly knocking on the window) In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. (to Mrs. California) There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?
Andy Bernard
What was that?
Jim Halpert
I don’t know. He wasn’t talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn’t hire his wife.

Scene 07

10 lines
Ryan Howard
That’s why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. They’re not going to know what hit them.
Robert California
Everyone. I’d like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.
Susan
Hello. Oh call me Susan please.
Robert California
Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she’s here today to see if there’s a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.
Susan
Hello nice to meet you.
Andy Bernard
Hey there. It’s a pleasure.
Robert California
Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she’ll shine.
Andy Bernard
I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We’re 100 percent staffed up.
Robert California
Andy. Let’s see if there’s a good fit first. Then we’ll talk.
Andy Bernard
Alright.

Scene 08

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Darryl Philbin
You don’t have to say it if you’re doing it.
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Darryl Philbin
Uh weight lifting yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Well today’s your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Darryl Philbin
I’ll take a look.
Dwight Schrute
Your path from obesity begins right here!

Scene 09

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I’ve been meaning to join a gym. (narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val) For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.

Scene 11

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.
Susan
Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.
Ryan Howard
Actually Ryan.
Susan
Oh, Ryan.

Scene 12

1 line
Ryan Howard
Bitttch!

Scene 13

22 lines
Andy Bernard
We will start here at Erinville.
Susan
Hi.
Erin Hannon
Hoo-hoo!
Andy Bernard
Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
Erin Hannon
Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Andy Bernard
I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.
Robert California
Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn’t you agree Andy?
Andy Bernard
I’ll explore exploring it.
Robert California
Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I’ll just duck out and run the company for a while.
Andy Bernard
Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. (Jim laughs nervously) Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Jim Halpert
Well it’s sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe you do. Hi. I’m Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It’s paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Andy Bernard
Jim?
Jim Halpert
Well it’s not that easy. It’s kind of sometimes difficult.
Dwight Schrute
It’s the second easiest job in the world. (to camera) Being a mom.
Susan
I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.
Dwight Schrute
That is true.
Andy Bernard
You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Dwight Schrute
That’s me.
Andy Bernard
Dwight why don’t you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe over a beer after she’s closed her first sale (makes gun click noise).
Susan
Well make that a red wine and I’ll tell you my animal rankings (makes gun click noise back).

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? (montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan). The entire office is being nice to her than they’ve ever been to me. What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’ classic room clearing farts right now.

Scene 15

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ready? What do you think?
Darryl Philbin
Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.
Dwight Schrute
You haven’t even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke (squats, grunts and lifts) Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station (tries and fails to tear a phone book in half). You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let’s go over membership. I’m going to need the first month’s and the last month’s up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month…
Darryl Philbin
Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I’m not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.
Dwight Schrute
Darryl... (picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire)
Darryl Philbin
Make a real gym.

Scene 16

13 lines
Susan
I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.
Andy Bernard
But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Susan
Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.
Andy Bernard
Those are fully staffed as well.
Robert California
Are you telling me that there’s no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
Andy Bernard
(laughing nervously) Yes.
Robert California
I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
Andy Bernard
Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
Susan
Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there’s no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don’t we just let it go.
Robert California
No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.
Andy Bernard
There are lots of considerations.
Robert California
I would be eternally grateful. It’s not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Andy Bernard
Alright. Well then welcome aboard.

Scene 17

9 lines
Susan
So what happens next?
Andy Bernard
We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. (phone rings) Hang on. Hello?
Robert California
(on phone) Say hello grandma.
Andy Bernard
Hi gam-gam.
Robert California
Hold one finger up to Susan. You’ll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, “are you taking your medicine?”
Andy Bernard
Are you taking your med-meds?
Robert California
Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. (Robert and Andy hang up phones)
Susan
You didn’t say goodbye to your grandma.
Andy Bernard
We promised we’d never say goodbye.

Scene 18

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.
Oscar Martinez
All I need is another gym. As if I don’t have enough drama.
Phyllis Vance
We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.
Oscar Martinez
Who’s spotting who? Don’t use the bike in the corner. That’s Bruce’s. Jeremy says…
Angela Martin
Enough Oscar, enough.
Dwight Schrute
Kelly?
Kelly Kapoor
I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.

Scene 20

14 lines
Toby Flenderson
Did you bring your passport with you?
Susan
Who walks around with their passport?
Toby Flenderson
Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.
Susan
Have you had any?
Toby Flenderson
No.
Andy Bernard
(sees Susan is busy in the annex) Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.
Oscar Martinez
Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?
Andy & Oscar
it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.
Kevin Malone
How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.
Angela Martin
This is all pathetic.
Andy Bernard
I am not asking, I am ordering.
Oscar Martinez
How mean are we talking about?
Andy Bernard
It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.
Erin Hannon
Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.

Scene 21

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Here you go. (gives Susan a tiny stapler)
Susan
Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.
Erin Hannon
Well that's a sales desk.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.

Scene 22

1 line
Jim Halpert
No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.

Scene 23

14 lines
Oscar Martinez
That's Gerald. (hands phone to Jim)
Jim Halpert
Oh, wow. So cute.
Susan
Oh, that is so cute-
Phyllis Vance
(grabs phone) Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, he's in a ladle.
Erin Hannon
That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?
Oscar Martinez
He did it himself.
Phyllis Vance
Is that ladle stainless or...
Oscar Martinez
Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.
Susan
Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. (Jim chuckles)
Oscar Martinez
It's not that kind of ladle.
Jim Halpert
Very cute. (holds out the phone)
Susan
Aw, let me see-
Oscar Martinez
(grabs phone) Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this.

Scene 24

1 line
Susan
I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.

Scene 25

18 lines
Susan
Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.
Robert California
Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.
Andy Bernard
(in robot voice) What is going on?
Robert California
(chuckles) Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.
Andy Bernard
Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?
Susan
Do you not want me here?
Andy Bernard
Why would you say that?
Susan
It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.
Andy Bernard
It's not that, exactly.
Susan
But it is something.
Andy Bernard
Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.
Susan
Why would you not want me working here?
Andy Bernard
I don't know. (chuckles)
Susan
I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?
Andy Bernard
Yes! The dude is an enigma.
Susan
Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?
Andy Bernard
Ah... (stammers)
Susan
Got it.

Scene 26

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
What do you think you're doing?
Darryl Philbin
Getting my sweat on.
Dwight Schrute
I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?
Darryl Philbin
I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Dwight Schrute
I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Darryl Philbin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Eight minutes!
Darryl Philbin
Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight Schrute
Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? (points) I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Darryl Philbin
It's Lejon Brames.
Dwight Schrute
That's what I said.
Darryl Philbin
You know, get it right.
Dwight Schrute
I know.

Scene 27

23 lines
Andy Bernard
(to Susan) Cameras...
Robert California
(enters) Oh, still here. Terrific.
Susan
Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.
Robert California
Well that's a shame.
Andy Bernard
It just was one of those things-
Susan
Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.
Robert California
Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?
Susan
No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.
Robert California
What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.
Susan
You sure about that?
Robert California
Absolutely.
Susan
No games?
Robert California
No games.
Susan
Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.
Robert California
Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.
Susan
Andy?
Andy Bernard
Yes?
Susan
Why do you keep looking at my husband?
Robert California
Andy, just answer the question.
Andy Bernard
No games?
Robert California
No games.
Andy Bernard
Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." (laughs)
Robert California
You lying son of a bitch!

Scene 28

9 lines
Robert California
Tell my wife you're lying.
Andy Bernard
I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.
Susan
That's not true, is it?
Andy Bernard
No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.
Robert California
This is preposterous.
Susan
Robert...
Robert California
Let's get Jim in here. (Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim) Where's Jim?
Erin Hannon
He just rolled out and crawled out.
Robert California
Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.

Scene 29

1 line
Jim Halpert
(to Hank who is closing the gate) Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. (runs)

Scene 30

1 line
Robert California
(sees Jim's abandoned car) That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.

Scene 31

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(shoe falls while climbing ladder) Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. (grunts) Creed. I was never here, all right?
Creed Bratton
Okay. What about your friend?
Jim Halpert
Oh boy.

Scene 32

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.
Dwight Schrute
First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.
Darryl Philbin
Okay, I'm not doing that.
Dwight Schrute
Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!
Gabe Lewis
I didn't know Darryl joined.
Darryl Philbin
Looks that way.
Gabe Lewis
Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.

Scene 33

2 lines
Robert California
Hello Jim. (Jim tries to escape)
Andy Bernard
(grabs Jim's leg) No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!

Scene 34

21 lines
Robert California
So I think you know what we want to know.
Jim Halpert
Do I?
Robert California
Yes.
Jim Halpert
(mutters) I know, I do.
Andy Bernard
Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.
Jim Halpert
I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can...
Susan
For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?
Jim Halpert
That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.
Andy Bernard
(laughs) I think we've got ourselves an answer.
Robert California
No.
Andy Bernard
That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.
Jim Halpert
Perfect!
Susan
Jim...
Jim Halpert
Yes?
Susan
Answer the question, please.
Jim Halpert
(sighs) I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.
Robert California
All right. Thanks.
Jim Halpert
Yes. All right. Great. (leaves)
Andy Bernard
Uh...
Robert California
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Yep.

Scene 35

2 lines
Susan
(Robert holds the door, she walks through) Thank you. (leaves)
Robert California
(claps Andy's shoulder) Heh.

Scene 36

14 lines
Susan
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Hey, Mrs. California.
Susan
Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.
Andy Bernard
You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.
Susan
Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Susan
Well, different circumstances.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Susan
Who knows?
Andy Bernard
Who knows?
Susan
Maybe after all this settles down...
Andy Bernard
Totally.
Susan
It's a date.
Andy Bernard
Hmm?

Scene 37

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?
Darryl Philbin
This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!
Darryl Philbin
Dwight, come back and spot me.
Dwight Schrute
All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?
Darryl Philbin
To push this bar up.
Dwight Schrute
No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?
Darryl Philbin
Help me!
Dwight Schrute
What do you want!?!
Darryl Philbin
To look good for Val!
Dwight Schrute
Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.