Scene 011 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk) Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.
Scene 021 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.
Scene 036 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you’re in a suicide cult.Creed BrattonOpen quote: No. No. No. You’re way off on that one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh yeah?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey guys let’s just all admit it. Ok? Dwight’s better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he’s never, ever going to go back on it right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That’s right Jim.
Scene 046 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey man.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (jumping up from an almost sitting position) Hey.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Taking a load off huh?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. Putting a load on more like it.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Good luck with that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Last thing I need is luck. (hunches down again)
Scene 0515 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (to Angela) Thank you so much. (hums)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (sees a pole poking out Dwight’s pant leg) What are you up to? Oops look out! (grabs Dwight's wallet)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Prank! (throws money from Dwight’s wallet on the floor)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh that’s real creative.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what it’s not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I could, but I just don’t feel like it loser.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Because you’re sitting?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Standing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don’t!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Because you’re sitting?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Standing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know I have to do this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know. (Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams)
Scene 066 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (signing his name) Andrew… Baines… Bernard.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think you could just do Andy Bernard.Andy BernardOpen quote: Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it’s like taking a test, but I know the answers.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (loudly knocking on the window) In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. (to Mrs. California) There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?Andy BernardOpen quote: What was that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don’t know. He wasn’t talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn’t hire his wife.
Scene 0710 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: That’s why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. They’re not going to know what hit them.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Everyone. I’d like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.SusanOpen quote: Hello. Oh call me Susan please.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she’s here today to see if there’s a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.SusanOpen quote: Hello nice to meet you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey there. It’s a pleasure.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she’ll shine.Andy BernardOpen quote: I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We’re 100 percent staffed up.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Andy. Let’s see if there’s a good fit first. Then we’ll talk.Andy BernardOpen quote: Alright.
Scene 087 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You don’t have to say it if you’re doing it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (laughs) Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Uh weight lifting yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well today’s your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I’ll take a look.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Your path from obesity begins right here!
Scene 091 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I’ve been meaning to join a gym. (narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val) For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.
Scene 101 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.
Scene 114 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.SusanOpen quote: Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Actually Ryan.SusanOpen quote: Oh, Ryan.
Scene 1322 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: We will start here at Erinville.SusanOpen quote: Hi.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hoo-hoo!Andy BernardOpen quote: Reception. Your classic one-man operation.Erin HannonOpen quote: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.Andy BernardOpen quote: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn’t you agree Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: I’ll explore exploring it.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I’ll just duck out and run the company for a while.Andy BernardOpen quote: Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. (Jim laughs nervously) Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well it’s sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Maybe you do. Hi. I’m Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It’s paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well it’s not that easy. It’s kind of sometimes difficult.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It’s the second easiest job in the world. (to camera) Being a mom.SusanOpen quote: I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is true.Andy BernardOpen quote: You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That’s me.Andy BernardOpen quote: Dwight why don’t you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Maybe over a beer after she’s closed her first sale (makes gun click noise).SusanOpen quote: Well make that a red wine and I’ll tell you my animal rankings (makes gun click noise back).
Scene 141 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? (montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan). The entire office is being nice to her than they’ve ever been to me. What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’ classic room clearing farts right now.
Scene 156 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Ready? What do you think?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You haven’t even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke (squats, grunts and lifts) Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station (tries and fails to tear a phone book in half). You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let’s go over membership. I’m going to need the first month’s and the last month’s up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month…Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I’m not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Darryl... (picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire)Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Make a real gym.
Scene 1613 linesSusanOpen quote: I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.Andy BernardOpen quote: But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.SusanOpen quote: Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.Andy BernardOpen quote: Those are fully staffed as well.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Are you telling me that there’s no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?Andy BernardOpen quote: (laughing nervously) Yes.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.Andy BernardOpen quote: Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-SusanOpen quote: Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there’s no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don’t we just let it go.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.Andy BernardOpen quote: There are lots of considerations.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I would be eternally grateful. It’s not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.Andy BernardOpen quote: Alright. Well then welcome aboard.
Scene 179 linesSusanOpen quote: So what happens next?Andy BernardOpen quote: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. (phone rings) Hang on. Hello?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (on phone) Say hello grandma.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hi gam-gam.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Hold one finger up to Susan. You’ll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, “are you taking your medicine?”Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you taking your med-meds?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. (Robert and Andy hang up phones)SusanOpen quote: You didn’t say goodbye to your grandma.Andy BernardOpen quote: We promised we’d never say goodbye.
Scene 187 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: All I need is another gym. As if I don’t have enough drama.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Who’s spotting who? Don’t use the bike in the corner. That’s Bruce’s. Jeremy says…Angela MartinOpen quote: Enough Oscar, enough.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Kelly?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.
Scene 191 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.
Scene 2014 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Did you bring your passport with you?SusanOpen quote: Who walks around with their passport?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.SusanOpen quote: Have you had any?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No.Andy BernardOpen quote: (sees Susan is busy in the annex) Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?Andy & OscarOpen quote: it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.Angela MartinOpen quote: This is all pathetic.Andy BernardOpen quote: I am not asking, I am ordering.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: How mean are we talking about?Andy BernardOpen quote: It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.Erin HannonOpen quote: Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.
Scene 214 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Here you go. (gives Susan a tiny stapler)SusanOpen quote: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.Erin HannonOpen quote: Well that's a sales desk.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.
Scene 221 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.
Scene 2314 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: That's Gerald. (hands phone to Jim)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, wow. So cute.SusanOpen quote: Oh, that is so cute-Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (grabs phone) Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah, he's in a ladle.Erin HannonOpen quote: That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: He did it himself.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Is that ladle stainless or...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.SusanOpen quote: Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. (Jim chuckles)Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's not that kind of ladle.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Very cute. (holds out the phone)SusanOpen quote: Aw, let me see-Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (grabs phone) Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this.
Scene 241 lineSusanOpen quote: I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.
Scene 2518 linesSusanOpen quote: Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.Andy BernardOpen quote: (in robot voice) What is going on?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (chuckles) Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?SusanOpen quote: Do you not want me here?Andy BernardOpen quote: Why would you say that?SusanOpen quote: It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.Andy BernardOpen quote: It's not that, exactly.SusanOpen quote: But it is something.Andy BernardOpen quote: Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.SusanOpen quote: Why would you not want me working here?Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't know. (chuckles)SusanOpen quote: I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes! The dude is an enigma.SusanOpen quote: Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?Andy BernardOpen quote: Ah... (stammers)SusanOpen quote: Got it.
Scene 2613 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What do you think you're doing?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Getting my sweat on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Eight minutes!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? (points) I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: It's Lejon Brames.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's what I said.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You know, get it right.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know.
Scene 2723 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (to Susan) Cameras...Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (enters) Oh, still here. Terrific.SusanOpen quote: Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Well that's a shame.Andy BernardOpen quote: It just was one of those things-SusanOpen quote: Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?SusanOpen quote: No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.SusanOpen quote: You sure about that?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Absolutely.SusanOpen quote: No games?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No games.SusanOpen quote: Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.SusanOpen quote: Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes?SusanOpen quote: Why do you keep looking at my husband?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Andy, just answer the question.Andy BernardOpen quote: No games?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No games.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." (laughs)Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You lying son of a bitch!
Scene 289 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Tell my wife you're lying.Andy BernardOpen quote: I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.SusanOpen quote: That's not true, is it?Andy BernardOpen quote: No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: This is preposterous.SusanOpen quote: Robert...Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Let's get Jim in here. (Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim) Where's Jim?Erin HannonOpen quote: He just rolled out and crawled out.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.
Scene 291 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (to Hank who is closing the gate) Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. (runs)
Scene 301 lineRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: (sees Jim's abandoned car) That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.
Scene 313 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (shoe falls while climbing ladder) Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. (grunts) Creed. I was never here, all right?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Okay. What about your friend?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh boy.
Scene 328 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Okay, I'm not doing that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!Gabe LewisOpen quote: I didn't know Darryl joined.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Looks that way.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.
Scene 332 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Hello Jim. (Jim tries to escape)Andy BernardOpen quote: (grabs Jim's leg) No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!
Scene 3421 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: So I think you know what we want to know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do I?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (mutters) I know, I do.Andy BernardOpen quote: Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can...SusanOpen quote: For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.Andy BernardOpen quote: (laughs) I think we've got ourselves an answer.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No.Andy BernardOpen quote: That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Perfect!SusanOpen quote: Jim...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes?SusanOpen quote: Answer the question, please.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (sighs) I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: All right. Thanks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes. All right. Great. (leaves)Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh...Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yep.
Scene 352 linesSusanOpen quote: (Robert holds the door, she walks through) Thank you. (leaves)Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (claps Andy's shoulder) Heh.
Scene 3614 linesSusanOpen quote: Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Mrs. California.SusanOpen quote: Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.Andy BernardOpen quote: You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.SusanOpen quote: Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.SusanOpen quote: Well, different circumstances.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.SusanOpen quote: Who knows?Andy BernardOpen quote: Who knows?SusanOpen quote: Maybe after all this settles down...Andy BernardOpen quote: Totally.SusanOpen quote: It's a date.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hmm?
Scene 3711 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Dwight, come back and spot me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: To push this bar up.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Help me!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What do you want!?!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: To look good for Val!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.