Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

New Guys

Vol. 9 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Andy is back from his wilderness retreat with a lot of unearned confidence and some terrible new nicknames for the interns. Here's every line from the episode, covering everything from Kevin’s doomed turtle rescue to Dwight trying to prove he's cooler than the new guys. You'll find the full script right here as the final season of The Office kicks off.

Scene 01

1 line
Erin Hannon
Andy’s coming back today! Andy’s coming back today! Ha! Andy’s coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that’s really good. But I got some disappointing medical news.

Scene 03

2 lines
Doctor
Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father.
Angela Martin
I told you (Dwight vomits power drink on Angela)

Scene 04

1 line
Kevin Malone
Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I’m not that good at puzzles.

Scene 05

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(as Kevin reassembles shell) That piece doesn’t go there. (Kevin shushes him)

Scene 06

1 line
Kevin Malone
So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn’t get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time.

Scene 07

10 lines
Pam Beesly
For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great.
Jim Halpert
You are really good at modesty. She’s a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids’ room. There’s a hippo leading a parade of 500 children—
Pam Beesly
Kay, well, you had that interesting thing.
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah
Pam Beesly
Yes, Jim’s friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college.
Jim Halpert
Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.
Pam Beesly
And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.
Jim Halpert
In Philly, so, that doesn’t really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea.
Pam Beesly
He said if it takes off he’s gonna buy us a new car.
Jim Halpert
An Altima or better.

Scene 08

2 lines
Toby Flenderson
Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fiancé Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university.
Kelly Kapoor
(tossing out winter coats) I don’t need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan.

Scene 09

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it

Scene 10

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Enjoy the snow losers.
Erin Hannon
I’m so happy for you Kelly.

Scene 11

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons.

Scene 12

1 line
Ryan Howard
I’ve actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It’s a big university town. And, uh, that’s not garbage, it’s out clothes.

Scene 13

6 lines
Pam Beesly
And that was our summer.
Jim Halpert
we good?
Off-camera
Yeah
Pam Beesly
Don’t you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company.
Off-camera
Well we’re more following you guys, to see how you turn out.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don’t think anything’s gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there’s just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time.

Scene 14

1 line
Erin Hannon
Andy’s coming back today!

Scene 15

3 lines
Clark Green
Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out?
Stanley Hudson
Oh, my god. It’s called a garbage can.
Phyllis Vance
Helpless.

Scene 16

1 line
Toby Flenderson
There’s two new guys back there with me now. They’re in their 20s. And we really get along.

Scene 17

1 line
Clark Green
(Playing computer game with Toby) You’re looking good.

Scene 18

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Just three single guys. Getting into trouble.

Scene 19

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
They’re like the new Jim and Dwight.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.
Pete Miller
No thank you. My name’s Pete.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith’s face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.

Scene 21

23 lines
Erin Hannon
Andy’s here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy’s here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy’s here. Pam, he’s here. (squeals as Andy walks in)
Andy Bernard
Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it’ll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!
Nellie Bertram
It sounds amazing, tell us all about it.
Andy Bernard
What’re you still doing here?
Nellie Bertram
Wonderful, thanks.
Andy Bernard
You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
Nellie Bertram
Brilliant.
Andy Bernard
See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It’s Clark and, um—
Pete Miller
Pete!
Andy Bernard
In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Pete Miller
What? Why?
Andy Bernard
Cause you’re always taking dumps.
Pete Miller
No I’m not.
Andy Bernard
Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time.
Clark Green
I love it.
Darryl Philbin
Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr.
Clark Green
No, I prefer Fart.
Andy Bernard
No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane.
Dwight Schrute
I don’t see it.
Clark Green
I don’t either.
Andy Bernard
Whoa! Mind blown. It’s like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, yes I am. (puts his arm around Clark)
Andy Bernard
Dwight, Jr! (Dwight gives Clark a noogie)

Scene 22

1 line
Dwight Schrute
In a way it’s like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they’ll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I’ll have a grandson.

Scene 23

2 lines
Angela Martin
Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.
Kevin Malone
The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?

Scene 24

1 line
Kevin Malone
Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin.

Scene 25

8 lines
Angela Martin
No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look (starts playing video on computer). He’s such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants
Kevin Malone
I’ll take him.
Angela Martin
Please, after the turtle?
Kevin Malone
I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!
Angela Martin
Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?
Oscar Martinez
No, I’m a dog person.
Angela Martin
If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.
Oscar Martinez
Those guys always change back, Angela.

Scene 26

10 lines
Andy Bernard
David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm.
David Wallace
Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.
Toby Flenderson
Hey you wanted to see me?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I gotta go David. (hangs up phone) Why is Nellie still here?
Toby Flenderson
You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Andy Bernard
Mm, then I will make up a cause.
Toby Flenderson
Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Andy Bernard
Then forget I just told you that.
Toby Flenderson
Can’t. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Andy Bernard
Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

Scene 27

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!
Clark Green
Yep, body by Cheez-it
Dwight Schrute
Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?
Clark Green
I think I’m busy that night. Or I would.
Dwight Schrute
Well, we’re both just kinda learning as we go, aren’t we?
Clark Green
Learning what?
Dwight Schrute
Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head.
Clark Green
Kay.
Dwight Schrute
So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?
Clark Green
Is this—is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that’s totally fine. Like, I’m fine with it. But you should know that I’m into the ladies.
Dwight Schrute
Spoken like a true root man.
Clark Green
You know, if you’re ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you.
Dwight Schrute
My calls?
Clark Green
So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven’t had time to pursue yet?
Dwight Schrute
You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Clark Green
Yeah, I’ll just give it a glance—
Dwight Schrute
Ok
Clark Green
I’ll give it a read.
Dwight Schrute
With my leads and stuff like that?
Clark Green
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Cause you’re interested in going into sales?
Clark Green
I am.
Dwight Schrute
Wow, that’s great. That’s great. Ok, good, let’s talk about that, ok?
Clark Green
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
You’re not getting my clients! Nice try.

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Paranoid? I’m not familiar with the word. And I really don’t have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.

Scene 29

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Jim, get ready for the battle of your life.
Jim Halpert
Done. Explain.
Dwight Schrute
The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Jim Halpert
Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, sales—what sales meeting?
Jim Halpert
The new guys called one.
Dwight Schrute
The new guys called a sales meeting?
Jim Halpert
Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?
Dwight Schrute
There’s no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Jim Halpert
You should ask him. It’s a color you would never expect. (Dwight storms off) Too easy.

Scene 30

3 lines
Angela Martin
Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn’t given me a definite yes or no.
Oscar Martinez
Definitely no.
Angela Martin
Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I’m fine with either, but not both. (to Pam) Listen, you’re in this, but you need to wow me, ok?

Scene 31

3 lines
Andy Bernard
I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It’s going to be terrible.
Nellie Bertram
Not necessarily
Andy Bernard
No I’m going to make sure that it is. And if it isn’t, I’m going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don’t like to throw around the b-word, but I’m going to be a huge bitch to you.

Scene 32

1 line
Andy Bernard
Now this is called slack lining.

Scene 33

1 line
Andy Bernard
I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb.

Scene 34

3 lines
Andy Bernard
If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you’ll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Rafe
Iceman.
Andy Bernard
That’s me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete’s foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack.

Scene 35

9 lines
Jim Halpert
You a sports fan?
Pete Miller
Sure, boxing, tennis.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Any team sports?
Pete Miller
NASCAR. The Amazing Race.
Jim Halpert
Phillies fan, though, right?
Pete Miller
You mean horses?
Jim Halpert
No, like baseball. A baseball team.
Pete Miller
Ah, I like the Red Sox. I’m from Vermont.
Jim Halpert
Ok. Good talk.

Scene 36

1 line
Jim Halpert
I have nothing in common with Plop.

Scene 37

13 lines
Andy Bernard
All right, who’s next? Nellie?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends.
Andy Bernard
Nonsense. Get up here.
Kevin Malone
Go ahead
Andy Bernard
Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?
Nellie Bertram
I’m very self-conscious about my feet.
Andy Bernard
Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! (pushes Nellie off slack line) You suck. Alright, who’s next? Darryl?
Darryl Philbin
This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.
Andy Bernard
Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Clark Green
Uh, I guess I could give it shot.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up.
Clark Green
Ok
Andy Bernard
Focus on the horizon. (Clark successfully walks the slack line) Whoa! Look at this guy.

Scene 38

1 line
Clark Green
I’ve always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.

Scene 39

15 lines
Darryl Philbin
Go, Dwight Jr!
Andy Bernard
Hey, yes.
Dwight Schrute
Boo, unimpressed. It’s a tightrope for babies. Boo!
Clark Green
Alright, let’s see you do it.
Andy Bernard
Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Andy Bernard
Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Dwight Schrute
Ok, I am just getting started, ok?
Clark Green
You got this, it’s all you. (as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around) Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It’s not a race, Dwight.
Andy Bernard
Well it’s official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
Dwight Schrute
(bleeding heavily from the mouth) That’s not true. Just give me another chance.
Oscar Martinez
But your mouth is ble—
Toby Flenderson
This is a bloodbath. Alright, I’m calling this.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Toby Flenderson
It is enough of this. Everyone, let’s go back to work.
Dwight Schrute
This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. (tries to go in locked door) Idiots.

Scene 40

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn’t seem so macho now, does it? It’s a jump rope!

Scene 41

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on.
Pam Beesly
(sees trapeze contraption) What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Come here, I’ll show you.

Scene 42

6 lines
Angela Martin
Why do you want this cat?
Pete Miller
I don’t want it, really.
Angela Martin
How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?
Pete Miller
I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night.
Angela Martin
Have you taken any concrete steps?
Pete Miller
Well, I’m still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list.

Scene 43

1 line
Jim Halpert
Oh, come on, Pete! God, that’s just sad. If he doesn’t watch himself, he’s gonna be here for years, doing nothing. (sober realization) Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.

Scene 44

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it’s literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
Pam Beesly
I will?
Dwight Schrute
You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn’t you say?
Pam Beesly
Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds.
Dwight Schrute
So you’ll do it?
Pam Beesly
No.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life.
Dwight Schrute
Come on.
Pam Beesly
Exactly the way it is.
Dwight Schrute
No, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Yes, and there’s nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it.
Dwight Schrute
Please? Please, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Find someone else, I don’t know. Ask Phyllis.
Dwight Schrute
I can’t use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I’ll be launched into space. God, you’re so insensitive.

Scene 45

10 lines
Pete Miller
Why are you getting rid of it?
Angela Martin
Allergies.
Pete Miller
Your husband?
Angela Martin
No, the baby. Please, it’s my husband’s favorite cat. He’s broken up about it. It’s the only time I’ve seen him cry other than our wedding night.
Oscar Martinez
You know what? I will take Comstock.
Angela Martin
Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you!
Oscar Martinez
I’ll come by after work and pick him up.
Angela Martin
Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won’t get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight
Oscar Martinez
C’est la vie.
Angela Martin
Please don’t teach the cat French.

Scene 46

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(on phone) Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock.

Scene 47

3 lines
Pam Beesly
You ready?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. You know what? I’ll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call.
Pam Beesly
Kay.

Scene 48

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ok. (prepares bike trapeze)Oh, god.

Scene 49

1 line
Jim Halpert
(tries dialing and hangs up)

Scene 50

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I’m about to prove it. Dwight Schrute!

Scene 51

1 line
Jim Halpert
Hey, man. It’s halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don’t. I’m in. Yeah, yep, I’m all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. (hangs up) Yeah!

Scene 52

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Woo! (starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars) Ahh!!

Scene 53

1 line
Creed Bratton
In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Scene 54

3 lines
Meredith Palmer
Crap. Sorry, Nellie.
Nellie Bertram
Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would—(hit in the face with trash)
Stanley Hudson
Mm, swish.

Scene 55

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Oh, it’s nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.

Scene 56

1 line
Andy Bernard
There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge.

Scene 57

1 line
Nellie Bertram
(As trash is thrown at her) Fluke.