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Season 9 Episode 1
New Guys

Every line from The Office episode "New Guys", season 9 episode 1.

Erin Hannon: Andy’s coming back today! Andy’s coming back today! Ha! Andy’s coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time.
Dwight Schrute: How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that’s really good. But I got some disappointing medical news.
Doctor: Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father.
Angela Martin: I told you (Dwight vomits power drink on Angela)
Kevin Malone: Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I’m not that good at puzzles.
Oscar Martinez: (as Kevin reassembles shell) That piece doesn’t go there. (Kevin shushes him)
Kevin Malone: So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn’t get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time.
Pam Beesly: For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great.
Jim Halpert: You are really good at modesty. She’s a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids’ room. There’s a hippo leading a parade of 500 children—
Pam Beesly: Kay, well, you had that interesting thing.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah
Pam Beesly: Yes, Jim’s friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college.
Jim Halpert: Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.
Pam Beesly: And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.
Jim Halpert: In Philly, so, that doesn’t really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea.
Pam Beesly: He said if it takes off he’s gonna buy us a new car.
Jim Halpert: An Altima or better.
Toby Flenderson: Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fiancé Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university.
Kelly Kapoor: (tossing out winter coats) I don’t need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan.
Toby Flenderson: Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it
Kelly Kapoor: Enjoy the snow losers.
Erin Hannon: I’m so happy for you Kelly.
Toby Flenderson: Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons.
Ryan Howard: I’ve actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It’s a big university town. And, uh, that’s not garbage, it’s out clothes.
Pam Beesly: And that was our summer.
Jim Halpert: we good?
Off-camera: Yeah
Pam Beesly: Don’t you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company.
Off-camera: Well we’re more following you guys, to see how you turn out.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don’t think anything’s gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there’s just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time.
Erin Hannon: Andy’s coming back today!
Clark Green: Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out?
Stanley Hudson: Oh, my god. It’s called a garbage can.
Phyllis Vance: Helpless.
Toby Flenderson: There’s two new guys back there with me now. They’re in their 20s. And we really get along.
Clark Green: (Playing computer game with Toby) You’re looking good.
Toby Flenderson: Just three single guys. Getting into trouble.
Stanley Hudson: They’re like the new Jim and Dwight.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.
Pete Miller: No thank you. My name’s Pete.
Jim Halpert: No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith’s face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.
Erin Hannon: Andy’s here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy’s here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy’s here. Pam, he’s here. (squeals as Andy walks in)
Andy Bernard: Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it’ll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!
Nellie Bertram: It sounds amazing, tell us all about it.
Andy Bernard: What’re you still doing here?
Nellie Bertram: Wonderful, thanks.
Andy Bernard: You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
Nellie Bertram: Brilliant.
Andy Bernard: See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It’s Clark and, um—
Pete Miller: Pete!
Andy Bernard: In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Pete Miller: What? Why?
Andy Bernard: Cause you’re always taking dumps.
Pete Miller: No I’m not.
Andy Bernard: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time.
Clark Green: I love it.
Darryl Philbin: Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr.
Clark Green: No, I prefer Fart.
Andy Bernard: No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane.
Dwight Schrute: I don’t see it.
Clark Green: I don’t either.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! Mind blown. It’s like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, yes I am. (puts his arm around Clark)
Andy Bernard: Dwight, Jr! (Dwight gives Clark a noogie)
Dwight Schrute: In a way it’s like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they’ll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I’ll have a grandson.
Angela Martin: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.
Kevin Malone: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?
Kevin Malone: Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin.
Angela Martin: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look (starts playing video on computer). He’s such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants
Kevin Malone: I’ll take him.
Angela Martin: Please, after the turtle?
Kevin Malone: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!
Angela Martin: Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?
Oscar Martinez: No, I’m a dog person.
Angela Martin: If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.
Oscar Martinez: Those guys always change back, Angela.
Andy Bernard: David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm.
David Wallace: Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.
Toby Flenderson: Hey you wanted to see me?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I gotta go David. (hangs up phone) Why is Nellie still here?
Toby Flenderson: You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Andy Bernard: Mm, then I will make up a cause.
Toby Flenderson: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Andy Bernard: Then forget I just told you that.
Toby Flenderson: Can’t. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Andy Bernard: Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
Dwight Schrute: Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!
Clark Green: Yep, body by Cheez-it
Dwight Schrute: Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?
Clark Green: I think I’m busy that night. Or I would.
Dwight Schrute: Well, we’re both just kinda learning as we go, aren’t we?
Clark Green: Learning what?
Dwight Schrute: Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head.
Clark Green: Kay.
Dwight Schrute: So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?
Clark Green: Is this—is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that’s totally fine. Like, I’m fine with it. But you should know that I’m into the ladies.
Dwight Schrute: Spoken like a true root man.
Clark Green: You know, if you’re ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you.
Dwight Schrute: My calls?
Clark Green: So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven’t had time to pursue yet?
Dwight Schrute: You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Clark Green: Yeah, I’ll just give it a glance—
Dwight Schrute: Ok
Clark Green: I’ll give it a read.
Dwight Schrute: With my leads and stuff like that?
Clark Green: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Cause you’re interested in going into sales?
Clark Green: I am.
Dwight Schrute: Wow, that’s great. That’s great. Ok, good, let’s talk about that, ok?
Clark Green: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: You’re not getting my clients! Nice try.
Dwight Schrute: Paranoid? I’m not familiar with the word. And I really don’t have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, get ready for the battle of your life.
Jim Halpert: Done. Explain.
Dwight Schrute: The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Jim Halpert: Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, sales—what sales meeting?
Jim Halpert: The new guys called one.
Dwight Schrute: The new guys called a sales meeting?
Jim Halpert: Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?
Dwight Schrute: There’s no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Jim Halpert: You should ask him. It’s a color you would never expect. (Dwight storms off) Too easy.
Angela Martin: Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn’t given me a definite yes or no.
Oscar Martinez: Definitely no.
Angela Martin: Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I’m fine with either, but not both. (to Pam) Listen, you’re in this, but you need to wow me, ok?
Andy Bernard: I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It’s going to be terrible.
Nellie Bertram: Not necessarily
Andy Bernard: No I’m going to make sure that it is. And if it isn’t, I’m going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don’t like to throw around the b-word, but I’m going to be a huge bitch to you.
Andy Bernard: Now this is called slack lining.
Andy Bernard: I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb.
Andy Bernard: If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you’ll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Rafe: Iceman.
Andy Bernard: That’s me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete’s foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack.
Jim Halpert: You a sports fan?
Pete Miller: Sure, boxing, tennis.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Any team sports?
Pete Miller: NASCAR. The Amazing Race.
Jim Halpert: Phillies fan, though, right?
Pete Miller: You mean horses?
Jim Halpert: No, like baseball. A baseball team.
Pete Miller: Ah, I like the Red Sox. I’m from Vermont.
Jim Halpert: Ok. Good talk.
Jim Halpert: I have nothing in common with Plop.
Andy Bernard: All right, who’s next? Nellie?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends.
Andy Bernard: Nonsense. Get up here.
Kevin Malone: Go ahead
Andy Bernard: Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?
Nellie Bertram: I’m very self-conscious about my feet.
Andy Bernard: Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! (pushes Nellie off slack line) You suck. Alright, who’s next? Darryl?
Darryl Philbin: This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.
Andy Bernard: Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Clark Green: Uh, I guess I could give it shot.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up.
Clark Green: Ok
Andy Bernard: Focus on the horizon. (Clark successfully walks the slack line) Whoa! Look at this guy.
Clark Green: I’ve always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.
Darryl Philbin: Go, Dwight Jr!
Andy Bernard: Hey, yes.
Dwight Schrute: Boo, unimpressed. It’s a tightrope for babies. Boo!
Clark Green: Alright, let’s see you do it.
Andy Bernard: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Andy Bernard: Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I am just getting started, ok?
Clark Green: You got this, it’s all you. (as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around) Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It’s not a race, Dwight.
Andy Bernard: Well it’s official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
Dwight Schrute: (bleeding heavily from the mouth) That’s not true. Just give me another chance.
Oscar Martinez: But your mouth is ble—
Toby Flenderson: This is a bloodbath. Alright, I’m calling this.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Toby Flenderson: It is enough of this. Everyone, let’s go back to work.
Dwight Schrute: This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. (tries to go in locked door) Idiots.
Dwight Schrute: Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn’t seem so macho now, does it? It’s a jump rope!
Pam Beesly: Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on.
Pam Beesly: (sees trapeze contraption) What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Come here, I’ll show you.
Angela Martin: Why do you want this cat?
Pete Miller: I don’t want it, really.
Angela Martin: How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?
Pete Miller: I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night.
Angela Martin: Have you taken any concrete steps?
Pete Miller: Well, I’m still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list.
Jim Halpert: Oh, come on, Pete! God, that’s just sad. If he doesn’t watch himself, he’s gonna be here for years, doing nothing. (sober realization) Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it’s literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
Pam Beesly: I will?
Dwight Schrute: You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn’t you say?
Pam Beesly: Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds.
Dwight Schrute: So you’ll do it?
Pam Beesly: No.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life.
Dwight Schrute: Come on.
Pam Beesly: Exactly the way it is.
Dwight Schrute: No, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Yes, and there’s nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it.
Dwight Schrute: Please? Please, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Find someone else, I don’t know. Ask Phyllis.
Dwight Schrute: I can’t use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I’ll be launched into space. God, you’re so insensitive.
Pete Miller: Why are you getting rid of it?
Angela Martin: Allergies.
Pete Miller: Your husband?
Angela Martin: No, the baby. Please, it’s my husband’s favorite cat. He’s broken up about it. It’s the only time I’ve seen him cry other than our wedding night.
Oscar Martinez: You know what? I will take Comstock.
Angela Martin: Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you!
Oscar Martinez: I’ll come by after work and pick him up.
Angela Martin: Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won’t get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight
Oscar Martinez: C’est la vie.
Angela Martin: Please don’t teach the cat French.
Oscar Martinez: (on phone) Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock.
Pam Beesly: You ready?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. You know what? I’ll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call.
Pam Beesly: Kay.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. (prepares bike trapeze)Oh, god.
Jim Halpert: (tries dialing and hangs up)
Dwight Schrute: Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I’m about to prove it. Dwight Schrute!
Jim Halpert: Hey, man. It’s halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don’t. I’m in. Yeah, yep, I’m all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. (hangs up) Yeah!
Dwight Schrute: Woo! (starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars) Ahh!!
Creed Bratton: In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.
Meredith Palmer: Crap. Sorry, Nellie.
Nellie Bertram: Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would—(hit in the face with trash)
Stanley Hudson: Mm, swish.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, it’s nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.
Andy Bernard: There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge.
Nellie Bertram: (As trash is thrown at her) Fluke.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 9. New Guys is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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