Every line from The Office episode "New Guys", season 9 episode 1.
Pam Beesly: For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great.
Jim Halpert: You are really good at modesty. She’s a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids’ room. There’s a hippo leading a parade of 500 children—
Pam Beesly: Kay, well, you had that interesting thing.
Pam Beesly: Yes, Jim’s friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college.
Jim Halpert: Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.
Pam Beesly: And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.
Jim Halpert: In Philly, so, that doesn’t really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea.
Pam Beesly: He said if it takes off he’s gonna buy us a new car.
Jim Halpert: An Altima or better.
Pam Beesly: And that was our summer.
Pam Beesly: Don’t you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company.
Off-camera: Well we’re more following you guys, to see how you turn out.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don’t think anything’s gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there’s just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time.
Stanley Hudson: They’re like the new Jim and Dwight.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.
Pete Miller: No thank you. My name’s Pete.
Erin Hannon: Andy’s here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy’s here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy’s here. Pam, he’s here. (squeals as Andy walks in)
Andy Bernard: Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it’ll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!
Nellie Bertram: It sounds amazing, tell us all about it.
Andy Bernard: What’re you still doing here?
Nellie Bertram: Wonderful, thanks.
Andy Bernard: You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
Nellie Bertram: Brilliant.
Andy Bernard: See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It’s Clark and, um—
Andy Bernard: In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Andy Bernard: Cause you’re always taking dumps.
Andy Bernard: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time.
Darryl Philbin: Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr.
Clark Green: No, I prefer Fart.
Andy Bernard: No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane.
Dwight Schrute: I don’t see it.
Clark Green: I don’t either.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! Mind blown. It’s like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, yes I am. (puts his arm around Clark)
Andy Bernard: Dwight, Jr! (Dwight gives Clark a noogie)
Angela Martin: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.
Kevin Malone: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?
Angela Martin: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look (starts playing video on computer). He’s such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants
Kevin Malone: I’ll take him.
Angela Martin: Please, after the turtle?
Kevin Malone: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!
Angela Martin: Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?
Oscar Martinez: No, I’m a dog person.
Angela Martin: If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.
Oscar Martinez: Those guys always change back, Angela.
Andy Bernard: David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm.
David Wallace: Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.
Toby Flenderson: Hey you wanted to see me?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I gotta go David. (hangs up phone) Why is Nellie still here?
Toby Flenderson: You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Andy Bernard: Mm, then I will make up a cause.
Toby Flenderson: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Andy Bernard: Then forget I just told you that.
Toby Flenderson: Can’t. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Andy Bernard: Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
Dwight Schrute: Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!
Clark Green: Yep, body by Cheez-it
Dwight Schrute: Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?
Clark Green: I think I’m busy that night. Or I would.
Dwight Schrute: Well, we’re both just kinda learning as we go, aren’t we?
Clark Green: Learning what?
Dwight Schrute: Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head.
Dwight Schrute: So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?
Clark Green: Is this—is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that’s totally fine. Like, I’m fine with it. But you should know that I’m into the ladies.
Dwight Schrute: Spoken like a true root man.
Clark Green: You know, if you’re ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you.
Dwight Schrute: My calls?
Clark Green: So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven’t had time to pursue yet?
Dwight Schrute: You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Clark Green: Yeah, I’ll just give it a glance—
Clark Green: I’ll give it a read.
Dwight Schrute: With my leads and stuff like that?
Dwight Schrute: Cause you’re interested in going into sales?
Dwight Schrute: Wow, that’s great. That’s great. Ok, good, let’s talk about that, ok?
Dwight Schrute: You’re not getting my clients! Nice try.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, get ready for the battle of your life.
Jim Halpert: Done. Explain.
Dwight Schrute: The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Jim Halpert: Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, sales—what sales meeting?
Jim Halpert: The new guys called one.
Dwight Schrute: The new guys called a sales meeting?
Jim Halpert: Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?
Dwight Schrute: There’s no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Jim Halpert: You should ask him. It’s a color you would never expect. (Dwight storms off) Too easy.
Angela Martin: Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn’t given me a definite yes or no.
Oscar Martinez: Definitely no.
Angela Martin: Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I’m fine with either, but not both. (to Pam) Listen, you’re in this, but you need to wow me, ok?
Andy Bernard: I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It’s going to be terrible.
Nellie Bertram: Not necessarily
Andy Bernard: No I’m going to make sure that it is. And if it isn’t, I’m going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don’t like to throw around the b-word, but I’m going to be a huge bitch to you.
Andy Bernard: If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you’ll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Andy Bernard: That’s me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete’s foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack.
Jim Halpert: You a sports fan?
Pete Miller: Sure, boxing, tennis.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Any team sports?
Pete Miller: NASCAR. The Amazing Race.
Jim Halpert: Phillies fan, though, right?
Pete Miller: You mean horses?
Jim Halpert: No, like baseball. A baseball team.
Pete Miller: Ah, I like the Red Sox. I’m from Vermont.
Jim Halpert: Ok. Good talk.
Andy Bernard: All right, who’s next? Nellie?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends.
Andy Bernard: Nonsense. Get up here.
Andy Bernard: Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?
Nellie Bertram: I’m very self-conscious about my feet.
Andy Bernard: Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! (pushes Nellie off slack line) You suck. Alright, who’s next? Darryl?
Darryl Philbin: This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.
Andy Bernard: Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Clark Green: Uh, I guess I could give it shot.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up.
Andy Bernard: Focus on the horizon. (Clark successfully walks the slack line) Whoa! Look at this guy.
Darryl Philbin: Go, Dwight Jr!
Dwight Schrute: Boo, unimpressed. It’s a tightrope for babies. Boo!
Clark Green: Alright, let’s see you do it.
Andy Bernard: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Andy Bernard: Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I am just getting started, ok?
Clark Green: You got this, it’s all you. (as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around) Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It’s not a race, Dwight.
Andy Bernard: Well it’s official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
Dwight Schrute: (bleeding heavily from the mouth) That’s not true. Just give me another chance.
Oscar Martinez: But your mouth is ble—
Toby Flenderson: This is a bloodbath. Alright, I’m calling this.
Toby Flenderson: It is enough of this. Everyone, let’s go back to work.
Dwight Schrute: This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. (tries to go in locked door) Idiots.
Angela Martin: Why do you want this cat?
Pete Miller: I don’t want it, really.
Angela Martin: How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?
Pete Miller: I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night.
Angela Martin: Have you taken any concrete steps?
Pete Miller: Well, I’m still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list.
Dwight Schrute: Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it’s literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
Dwight Schrute: You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn’t you say?
Pam Beesly: Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds.
Dwight Schrute: So you’ll do it?
Dwight Schrute: Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life.
Pam Beesly: Exactly the way it is.
Pam Beesly: Yes, and there’s nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it.
Dwight Schrute: Please? Please, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Find someone else, I don’t know. Ask Phyllis.
Dwight Schrute: I can’t use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I’ll be launched into space. God, you’re so insensitive.
Pete Miller: Why are you getting rid of it?
Angela Martin: Allergies.
Pete Miller: Your husband?
Angela Martin: No, the baby. Please, it’s my husband’s favorite cat. He’s broken up about it. It’s the only time I’ve seen him cry other than our wedding night.
Oscar Martinez: You know what? I will take Comstock.
Angela Martin: Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you!
Oscar Martinez: I’ll come by after work and pick him up.
Angela Martin: Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won’t get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight
Oscar Martinez: C’est la vie.
Angela Martin: Please don’t teach the cat French.
Meredith Palmer: Crap. Sorry, Nellie.
Nellie Bertram: Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would—(hit in the face with trash)
Stanley Hudson: Mm, swish.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 9. New Guys is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.