Scene 014 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think they're going to the conference finals.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... (Jim bites his lip)
Scene 032 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, the Nets are super tough. (Jim in pain from his lip)
Scene 052 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... (Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table)
Scene 061 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...(Jim bites his lip again) You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!
Scene 073 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Good morning, Meredith.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.
Scene 081 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.
Scene 091 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.
Scene 1011 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (talking on phone) You sound tired. Everything ok?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?WorkerOpen quote: Jim, limo's here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, call me later!Jim HalpertOpen quote: OkPam BeeslyOpen quote: Good luck!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Love you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Love you too. Bye.
Scene 114 linesValOpen quote: How you doing?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...ValOpen quote: It's how it has to be.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I know, I know. It's just hard.
Scene 121 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.
Scene 132 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.ValOpen quote: Me neither. Come here. (she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back)
Scene 144 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. (Meredith scratches her head vigorously) Can you just fill out the form please?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 151 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.
Scene 167 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Hurry up already.Erin HannonOpen quote: (checking Meredith's head) Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.Erin HannonOpen quote: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just lice Pam?
Scene 171 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.
Scene 1816 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Make way, nope, inspect me.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. (Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Stop that!Angela MartinOpen quote: Dwight!Erin HannonOpen quote: Next!Angela MartinOpen quote: (getting her head checked) Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Pam, really? Come on.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.Erin HannonOpen quote: Lice. More lice. (Angela shrieks in disgust) Angela has lice.Angela MartinOpen quote: Ew! Oh.Erin HannonOpen quote: (checking Stanley's head) Ooh yabber, lice!Erin HannonOpen quote: (checking Pam's head) Yikers, lice.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No! How? I'm so clean!Erin HannonOpen quote: (checking Oscar's head) Oh yeah, big time lice.
Scene 191 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.
Scene 205 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: What are you wearing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? (Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands) Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?Nellie BertramOpen quote: No.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
Scene 217 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You got dumped?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, she ended things.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Here man. (Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate) You need that more than me.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Thanks, man.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah (kisses Darryl on the cheek)
Scene 227 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.Erin HannonOpen quote: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! (Erin jumps on Stanley's back)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Get off me!Erin HannonOpen quote: I'm trying to save you from yourself!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.
Scene 231 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
Scene 245 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?Limo DriverOpen quote: Yeah, take some home if you want.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. (Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo) Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?Limo DriverOpen quote: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You gotta be kidding me.
Scene 257 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (shaving her own head) Yes, Pam what do you want?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh stop! I am so sorry!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nothing.
Scene 261 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this.
Scene 2726 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!Erin HannonOpen quote: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: To be burned!Erin HannonOpen quote: To be washed.Angela MartinOpen quote: What do we do about our heads?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm not gonna lie. Lye!Erin HannonOpen quote: No, all we need is mayonnaise.Angela MartinOpen quote: Excuse me?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: She's right, it works. I would imagine.Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (walks in conference room) Shaboom! How do you like me now!?Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Wow.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Take a picture. It will last longer.Angela MartinOpen quote: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Bald people make me sick.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.Erin HannonOpen quote: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay. Oh, thank you.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You're a saint, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's talk pubes, people.
Scene 2814 linesValOpen quote: Hey, Darryl.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, hey Val.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: An Escalade.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Or what's her name.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Val.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Let's get Darryl Val.
Scene 2916 linesJulius IrvingOpen quote: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.JuliusOpen quote: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.JuliusOpen quote: Okay. (Jim shoots the basket and it goes in) Wow, Halpert's got game.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright. (Jim's phone rings) Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?JuliusOpen quote: It's your wife? You better take it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right! (Jim laughs as he answers the phone) Hey, what's up? Everything ok?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's still happening right now actually, so uh...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He's really making you work for it, huh?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great. I am killing it over here. (drops mayonnaise on the ground) Jim, I gotta go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, bye. (Jim turns back to Julius) So sorry about that.JuliusOpen quote: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I love it.
Scene 3012 linesErin HannonOpen quote: (handing out mayonnaise jars) Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. (Dwight holds up a pair of scissors)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Put those away before you hurt yourself.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit) Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!Erin HannonOpen quote: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.Angela MartinOpen quote: Oscar, do you want to be my partner?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..Creed BrattonOpen quote: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?Pete MillerOpen quote: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.
Scene 312 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: (Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head) Angela.Angela MartinOpen quote: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?
Scene 321 lineMeredith PalmerOpen quote: (putting mayo on Stanley's head) You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.
Scene 333 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (putting mayo on Creed's head) Creed, I'm all done. My turn.Creed BrattonOpen quote: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, wait.
Scene 342 linesPete MillerOpen quote: (putting mayo on Erin's head) How's that?Erin HannonOpen quote: I feel it working. (Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo) Eiffel tower!
Scene 3513 linesValOpen quote: Can I help you?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.ValOpen quote: Yeah, that's true.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We think you made a big, big mistake.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Big mistake.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Quite enormous.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: He's a real catch and you should take him back.ValOpen quote: Ok, thank you. Is that all?Nellie BertramOpen quote: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?ValOpen quote: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?ValOpen quote: No.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
Scene 361 lineValOpen quote: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.
Scene 376 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (phone rings) Hello?HeleneOpen quote: (on speaker phone) Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What, no. That can't...I don't...HeleneOpen quote: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...(Pam hangs up phone)Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh my God.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Shave her head. Shave her head!
Scene 389 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (everyone yelling at Pam)You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (talking through the loud speaker) She's right Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Is there a volume knob on that thing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Meredith, I am so sorry.Angela MartinOpen quote: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I meant to say something earlier. I just...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Just? Just what? Just forgot?
Scene 391 lineMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
Scene 404 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...(Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office)Erin HannonOpen quote: Dwight, are you okay!?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. (Dwight collapses)Erin HannonOpen quote: Wow. He got to purple.
Scene 414 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: (Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head) Ow!Angela MartinOpen quote: Sorry.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You're waterboarding me!Angela MartinOpen quote: Oops.
Scene 421 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: (shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes) No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay.
Scene 436 linesErin HannonOpen quote: You're up.Pete MillerOpen quote: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.Erin HannonOpen quote: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.Pete MillerOpen quote: Okay.Erin HannonOpen quote: Okay. Okay. (rinsing Pete's hair out) Is that too cold?Pete MillerOpen quote: No, it actually feels kinda nice.
Scene 441 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. (as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises)
Scene 456 linesValOpen quote: Okay.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Huh?ValOpen quote: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.ValOpen quote: You're not. I believe in us.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: But... (Val kisses Darryl)
Scene 471 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. (Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off)
Scene 483 linesPete MillerOpen quote: Hey, did Erin already take off?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I guess so.Pete MillerOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 497 linesJuliusOpen quote: You're Kareem, coming to help.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.JuliusOpen quote: And it went like this. (Jim's phone starts ringing)Jim HalpertOpen quote: And that's all?JuliusOpen quote: That's it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.JuliusOpen quote: Yeah, you show me how.
Scene 507 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Jim's phone goes to voicemail) This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, what you doing right now?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: No duh. Let's go. You're buying.
Scene 515 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Meredith, I am so sorry about today.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Forget about it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Get it, girl!
Scene 524 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (Pam and Meredith singing karaoke) This one's for all you ladies out there.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (starts singing) I come...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Not yet.BothOpen quote: (singing) I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.