Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Lice

Vol. 9 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

Everyone is slathering their heads in mayonnaise because Pam accidentally brought a lice outbreak to Dunder Mifflin. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including Meredith's bold choice to shave it all off and Jim’s legendary basketball meetup with Dr. J. It is the best place to check the full script and see exactly how Dwight’s hazmat suit strategy goes horribly wrong.

Scene 01

4 lines
Kevin Malone
To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim Halpert
I think they're going to the conference finals.
Kevin Malone
No.
Jim Halpert
Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... (Jim bites his lip)

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
I bit my lip at lunch today.

Scene 03

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough.
Kevin Malone
Oh, the Nets are super tough. (Jim in pain from his lip)

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.

Scene 05

2 lines
Kevin Malone
The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.
Jim Halpert
Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... (Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table)

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...(Jim bites his lip again) You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!

Scene 07

3 lines
Erin Hannon
Good morning, Meredith.
Pam Beesly
What?
Erin Hannon
Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.

Scene 08

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.

Scene 10

11 lines
Jim Halpert
(talking on phone) You sound tired. Everything ok?
Pam Beesly
Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?
Jim Halpert
Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?
Worker
Jim, limo's here.
Jim Halpert
Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.
Pam Beesly
Oh, call me later!
Jim Halpert
Ok
Pam Beesly
Good luck!
Jim Halpert
Thanks!
Pam Beesly
Love you.
Jim Halpert
Love you too. Bye.

Scene 11

4 lines
Val
How you doing?
Darryl Philbin
Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...
Val
It's how it has to be.
Darryl Philbin
I know, I know. It's just hard.

Scene 12

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.

Scene 13

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.
Val
Me neither. Come here. (she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back)

Scene 14

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.
Meredith Palmer
Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Pam Beesly
He didn't leave me. He just went part time. (Meredith scratches her head vigorously) Can you just fill out the form please?
Meredith Palmer
Yes.

Scene 15

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.

Scene 16

7 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hurry up already.
Erin Hannon
(checking Meredith's head) Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Erin Hannon
Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!
Angela Martin
Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight Schrute
What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight Schrute
Just lice Pam?

Scene 17

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

Scene 18

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin Hannon
Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight Schrute
Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. (Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant)
Pam Beesly
Stop that!
Angela Martin
Dwight!
Erin Hannon
Next!
Angela Martin
(getting her head checked) Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.
Pam Beesly
Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, really? Come on.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
Erin Hannon
Lice. More lice. (Angela shrieks in disgust) Angela has lice.
Angela Martin
Ew! Oh.
Erin Hannon
(checking Stanley's head) Ooh yabber, lice!
Erin Hannon
(checking Pam's head) Yikers, lice.
Pam Beesly
No! How? I'm so clean!
Erin Hannon
(checking Oscar's head) Oh yeah, big time lice.

Scene 19

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.

Scene 20

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
What are you wearing?
Dwight Schrute
It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? (Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands) Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?
Nellie Bertram
No.
Kevin Malone
No.
Dwight Schrute
Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

Scene 21

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis Vance
You got dumped?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie Bertram
Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.
Kevin Malone
Here man. (Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate) You need that more than me.
Darryl Philbin
Thanks, man.
Kevin Malone
Yeah (kisses Darryl on the cheek)

Scene 22

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.
Angela Martin
Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.
Stanley Hudson
That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.
Erin Hannon
No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! (Erin jumps on Stanley's back)
Stanley Hudson
Get off me!
Erin Hannon
I'm trying to save you from yourself!
Stanley Hudson
Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me.

Scene 24

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?
Limo Driver
Yeah, take some home if you want.
Jim Halpert
Oh no, no, no. That's ok. (Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo) Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?
Limo Driver
No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
Jim Halpert
You gotta be kidding me.

Scene 25

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.
Meredith Palmer
(shaving her own head) Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?
Meredith Palmer
Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam Beesly
Oh stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith Palmer
Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?
Pam Beesly
Nothing.

Scene 26

1 line
Pam Beesly
I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this.

Scene 27

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!
Erin Hannon
No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...
Dwight Schrute
To be burned!
Erin Hannon
To be washed.
Angela Martin
What do we do about our heads?
Dwight Schrute
I'm not gonna lie. Lye!
Erin Hannon
No, all we need is mayonnaise.
Angela Martin
Excuse me?
Pam Beesly
She's right, it works. I would imagine.
Erin Hannon
Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
Oscar Martinez
I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.
Meredith Palmer
(walks in conference room) Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Angela Martin
Oh.
Oscar Martinez
Wow.
Meredith Palmer
Take a picture. It will last longer.
Angela Martin
We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.
Creed Bratton
Bald people make me sick.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Erin Hannon
Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.
Pam Beesly
Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.
Angela Martin
Okay. Oh, thank you.
Oscar Martinez
You're a saint, Pam.
Pam Beesly
No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?
Meredith Palmer
Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Let's talk pubes, people.

Scene 28

14 lines
Val
Hey, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, hey Val.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Phyllis Vance
What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?
Darryl Philbin
When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.
Nellie Bertram
Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
Kevin Malone
I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.
Phyllis Vance
Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.
Nellie Bertram
Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
Kevin Malone
An Escalade.
Nellie Bertram
Or what's her name.
Phyllis Vance
Val.
Nellie Bertram
Let's get Darryl Val.

Scene 29

16 lines
Julius Irving
I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.
Jim Halpert
Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.
Julius
Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?
Jim Halpert
Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
Julius
Okay. (Jim shoots the basket and it goes in) Wow, Halpert's got game.
Jim Halpert
Alright. (Jim's phone rings) Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?
Julius
It's your wife? You better take it.
Jim Halpert
Right! (Jim laughs as he answers the phone) Hey, what's up? Everything ok?
Pam Beesly
Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
Jim Halpert
It's still happening right now actually, so uh...
Pam Beesly
He's really making you work for it, huh?
Jim Halpert
Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?
Pam Beesly
Great. I am killing it over here. (drops mayonnaise on the ground) Jim, I gotta go.
Jim Halpert
Okay, bye. (Jim turns back to Julius) So sorry about that.
Julius
No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?
Jim Halpert
I love it.

Scene 30

12 lines
Erin Hannon
(handing out mayonnaise jars) Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.
Dwight Schrute
Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. (Dwight holds up a pair of scissors)
Stanley Hudson
Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Dwight Schrute
(swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit) Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!
Erin Hannon
Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Angela Martin
Oscar, do you want to be my partner?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..
Creed Bratton
Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?
Erin Hannon
Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?
Pete Miller
Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.
Pam Beesly
Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed Bratton
Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.

Scene 31

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head) Angela.
Angela Martin
You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?

Scene 32

1 line
Meredith Palmer
(putting mayo on Stanley's head) You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.

Scene 33

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(putting mayo on Creed's head) Creed, I'm all done. My turn.
Creed Bratton
I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.
Pam Beesly
Well, wait.

Scene 34

2 lines
Pete Miller
(putting mayo on Erin's head) How's that?
Erin Hannon
I feel it working. (Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo) Eiffel tower!

Scene 35

13 lines
Val
Can I help you?
Phyllis Vance
Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Val
Yeah, that's true.
Phyllis Vance
We think you made a big, big mistake.
Kevin Malone
Big mistake.
Nellie Bertram
Quite enormous.
Phyllis Vance
He's a real catch and you should take him back.
Val
Ok, thank you. Is that all?
Nellie Bertram
No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?
Val
Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin Malone
So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Val
No.
Kevin Malone
Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.

Scene 36

1 line
Val
Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.

Scene 37

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(phone rings) Hello?
Helene
(on speaker phone) Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.
Pam Beesly
What, no. That can't...I don't...
Helene
Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...(Pam hangs up phone)
Angela Martin
Oh my God.
Meredith Palmer
Shave her head. Shave her head!

Scene 38

9 lines
Pam Beesly
(everyone yelling at Pam)You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...
Meredith Palmer
Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.
Dwight Schrute
(talking through the loud speaker) She's right Pam.
Pam Beesly
Is there a volume knob on that thing?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.
Pam Beesly
Meredith, I am so sorry.
Angela Martin
Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.
Pam Beesly
I meant to say something earlier. I just...
Meredith Palmer
Just? Just what? Just forgot?

Scene 39

1 line
Meredith Palmer
Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Scene 40

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...(Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office)
Erin Hannon
Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight Schrute
Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. (Dwight collapses)
Erin Hannon
Wow. He got to purple.

Scene 41

4 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head) Ow!
Angela Martin
Sorry.
Oscar Martinez
You're waterboarding me!
Angela Martin
Oops.

Scene 42

1 line
Kevin Malone
(shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes) No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay.

Scene 43

6 lines
Erin Hannon
You're up.
Pete Miller
Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.
Erin Hannon
You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
Pete Miller
Okay.
Erin Hannon
Okay. Okay. (rinsing Pete's hair out) Is that too cold?
Pete Miller
No, it actually feels kinda nice.

Scene 44

1 line
Kevin Malone
I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. (as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises)

Scene 45

6 lines
Val
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
Huh?
Val
Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.
Val
You're not. I believe in us.
Darryl Philbin
But... (Val kisses Darryl)

Scene 46

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I'm back together with Val. Yay...

Scene 47

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. (Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off)

Scene 48

3 lines
Pete Miller
Hey, did Erin already take off?
Oscar Martinez
I guess so.
Pete Miller
Okay.

Scene 49

7 lines
Julius
You're Kareem, coming to help.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.
Julius
And it went like this. (Jim's phone starts ringing)
Jim Halpert
And that's all?
Julius
That's it.
Jim Halpert
No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.
Julius
Yeah, you show me how.

Scene 50

7 lines
Jim Halpert
(Jim's phone goes to voicemail) This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.
Pam Beesly
Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, what you doing right now?
Pam Beesly
I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Meredith Palmer
Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.
Pam Beesly
Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Meredith Palmer
No duh. Let's go. You're buying.

Scene 51

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Meredith Palmer
Forget about it.
Pam Beesly
I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.
Meredith Palmer
Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
Pam Beesly
Get it, girl!

Scene 52

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(Pam and Meredith singing karaoke) This one's for all you ladies out there.
Meredith Palmer
(starts singing) I come...
Pam Beesly
Not yet.
Both
(singing) I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.