Every line from The Office episode "Lice", season 9 episode 10.
Kevin Malone: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim Halpert: I think they're going to the conference finals.
Jim Halpert: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... (Jim bites his lip)
Pam Beesly: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.
Jim Halpert: (talking on phone) You sound tired. Everything ok?
Pam Beesly: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?
Jim Halpert: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?
Worker: Jim, limo's here.
Jim Halpert: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.
Pam Beesly: Oh, call me later!
Jim Halpert: Love you too. Bye.
Darryl Philbin: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...
Val: It's how it has to be.
Darryl Philbin: I know, I know. It's just hard.
Meredith Palmer: Hurry up already.
Erin Hannon: (checking Meredith's head) Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Erin Hannon: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!
Angela Martin: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight Schrute: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight Schrute: Just lice Pam?
Dwight Schrute: Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin Hannon: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight Schrute: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. (Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant)
Angela Martin: (getting her head checked) Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.
Pam Beesly: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, really? Come on.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
Erin Hannon: Lice. More lice. (Angela shrieks in disgust) Angela has lice.
Erin Hannon: (checking Stanley's head) Ooh yabber, lice!
Erin Hannon: (checking Pam's head) Yikers, lice.
Pam Beesly: No! How? I'm so clean!
Erin Hannon: (checking Oscar's head) Oh yeah, big time lice.
Phyllis Vance: What are you wearing?
Dwight Schrute: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? (Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands) Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?
Dwight Schrute: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
Darryl Philbin: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis Vance: You got dumped?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie Bertram: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.
Kevin Malone: Here man. (Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate) You need that more than me.
Darryl Philbin: Thanks, man.
Kevin Malone: Yeah (kisses Darryl on the cheek)
Pam Beesly: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.
Angela Martin: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.
Stanley Hudson: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.
Erin Hannon: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! (Erin jumps on Stanley's back)
Stanley Hudson: Get off me!
Erin Hannon: I'm trying to save you from yourself!
Stanley Hudson: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.
Jim Halpert: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?
Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want.
Jim Halpert: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. (Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo) Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?
Limo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
Jim Halpert: You gotta be kidding me.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.
Meredith Palmer: (shaving her own head) Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?
Meredith Palmer: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam Beesly: Oh stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith Palmer: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?
Dwight Schrute: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!
Erin Hannon: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...
Dwight Schrute: To be burned!
Erin Hannon: To be washed.
Angela Martin: What do we do about our heads?
Dwight Schrute: I'm not gonna lie. Lye!
Erin Hannon: No, all we need is mayonnaise.
Angela Martin: Excuse me?
Pam Beesly: She's right, it works. I would imagine.
Erin Hannon: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
Oscar Martinez: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.
Meredith Palmer: (walks in conference room) Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Meredith Palmer: Take a picture. It will last longer.
Angela Martin: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.
Creed Bratton: Bald people make me sick.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Erin Hannon: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.
Pam Beesly: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.
Angela Martin: Okay. Oh, thank you.
Oscar Martinez: You're a saint, Pam.
Pam Beesly: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?
Meredith Palmer: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Dwight Schrute: Let's talk pubes, people.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, hey Val.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.
Phyllis Vance: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?
Darryl Philbin: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.
Nellie Bertram: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
Kevin Malone: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.
Phyllis Vance: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.
Nellie Bertram: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
Kevin Malone: An Escalade.
Nellie Bertram: Or what's her name.
Nellie Bertram: Let's get Darryl Val.
Julius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.
Julius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?
Jim Halpert: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
Julius: Okay. (Jim shoots the basket and it goes in) Wow, Halpert's got game.
Jim Halpert: Alright. (Jim's phone rings) Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?
Julius: It's your wife? You better take it.
Jim Halpert: Right! (Jim laughs as he answers the phone) Hey, what's up? Everything ok?
Pam Beesly: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
Jim Halpert: It's still happening right now actually, so uh...
Pam Beesly: He's really making you work for it, huh?
Jim Halpert: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?
Pam Beesly: Great. I am killing it over here. (drops mayonnaise on the ground) Jim, I gotta go.
Jim Halpert: Okay, bye. (Jim turns back to Julius) So sorry about that.
Julius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?
Erin Hannon: (handing out mayonnaise jars) Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.
Dwight Schrute: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. (Dwight holds up a pair of scissors)
Stanley Hudson: Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Dwight Schrute: (swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit) Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!
Erin Hannon: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Angela Martin: Oscar, do you want to be my partner?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..
Creed Bratton: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?
Erin Hannon: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?
Pete Miller: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed Bratton: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.
Phyllis Vance: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Phyllis Vance: We think you made a big, big mistake.
Kevin Malone: Big mistake.
Nellie Bertram: Quite enormous.
Phyllis Vance: He's a real catch and you should take him back.
Val: Ok, thank you. Is that all?
Nellie Bertram: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?
Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin Malone: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Kevin Malone: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
Pam Beesly: (phone rings) Hello?
Helene: (on speaker phone) Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.
Pam Beesly: What, no. That can't...I don't...
Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...(Pam hangs up phone)
Angela Martin: Oh my God.
Meredith Palmer: Shave her head. Shave her head!
Pam Beesly: (everyone yelling at Pam)You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...
Meredith Palmer: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.
Dwight Schrute: (talking through the loud speaker) She's right Pam.
Pam Beesly: Is there a volume knob on that thing?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.
Pam Beesly: Meredith, I am so sorry.
Angela Martin: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.
Pam Beesly: I meant to say something earlier. I just...
Meredith Palmer: Just? Just what? Just forgot?
Dwight Schrute: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...(Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office)
Erin Hannon: Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight Schrute: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. (Dwight collapses)
Erin Hannon: Wow. He got to purple.
Pete Miller: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.
Erin Hannon: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
Erin Hannon: Okay. Okay. (rinsing Pete's hair out) Is that too cold?
Pete Miller: No, it actually feels kinda nice.
Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.
Val: You're not. I believe in us.
Darryl Philbin: But... (Val kisses Darryl)
Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.
Julius: And it went like this. (Jim's phone starts ringing)
Jim Halpert: And that's all?
Jim Halpert: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.
Julius: Yeah, you show me how.
Jim Halpert: (Jim's phone goes to voicemail) This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.
Pam Beesly: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, what you doing right now?
Pam Beesly: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Meredith Palmer: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.
Pam Beesly: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Meredith Palmer: No duh. Let's go. You're buying.
Pam Beesly: Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Meredith Palmer: Forget about it.
Pam Beesly: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.
Meredith Palmer: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
Pam Beesly: Get it, girl!
Pam Beesly: (Pam and Meredith singing karaoke) This one's for all you ladies out there.
Meredith Palmer: (starts singing) I come...
Both: (singing) I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 10 season 9. Lice is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.