Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Suit Warehouse

Vol. 9 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Dwight and Clark try to land a big sale by pretending to be father and son, which leads to some very specific stories about cat turds. While they're away, the rest of the crew gets hopped up on espresso and starts a DIY project on the office floor. Every line from the episode is laid out here, including Darryl’s unfortunate basketball incident in Philly.

Scene 01

1 line
New Instant Message
Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! –David Wallace

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They’re a family owned business (chuckles). Jim and I used to clean up at those. We’d go in pretending to be family – brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.

Scene 03

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on phone with Jim) I hope you’ve been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it’s time for another episode of “Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire”.
Jim Halpert
Sorry, Stinky, can’t do it. Too busy.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, god, this again? You’re Stinky.
Jim Halpert
Okay. There’s no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight Schrute
Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis Vance
I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. (back to Jim) See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Jim Halpert
Hey, I’m in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight Schrute
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim Halpert
Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight Schrute
Mmm. That’s a good… question. 300 times… (Jim hangs up) 180… Um that comes to 25 minutes. (realizes Jim hung up) Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Scene 04

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
Darryl, looking good!
Darryl Philbin
Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim’s company.
Pam Beesly
Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?
Darryl Philbin
Why don’t you come along and tell him yourself?
Pam Beesly
Ha ha. That’d be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get… What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of this? Andy’s not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I’m expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that?
Erin Hannon
Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details.
Pam Beesly
A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything’s in order.
Erin Hannon
What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it’s in order? I (laughs) haven’t been trained for this.
Pam Beesly
(giggles) Okay, see you later.

Scene 05

6 lines
Clark Green
Hey guys.
Phyllis Vance
Clark!
Meredith Palmer
Hey!
Oscar Martinez
Hey, look who’s back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin Malone
Hey, so how was it? I mean… the sex with Jan.
Clark Green
A gentleman doesn’t discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.

Scene 06

1 line
Clark Green
Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was… like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh… like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.

Scene 07

8 lines
Meredith Palmer
Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, “Talk classy, act nasty”.
Clark Green
What’s with the wig Meredith?
Meredith Palmer
What, is it on backwards? (partially removes wig, revealing her bald head)
Clark Green
Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It’s an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so… bon appetite.
Phyllis Vance
Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that’s Italian.
Oscar Martinez
My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Meredith Palmer
Always with the friends Oscar. Can’t we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Oscar Martinez
Actually, it’s pronounced “espresso”… Wait. That’s what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So…

Scene 08

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
There he is! (chuckles) We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but…
Clark Green
If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Dwight Schrute
Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh… No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?
Clark Green
(sarcastically chuckling) I loved it.
Dwight Schrute
How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Clark Green
If it’ll lead to me being a salesman, I’ll pretend to be your friend.
Dwight Schrute
Then looks like we have a deal… Son (holds up a suit identical to his)

Scene 09

5 lines
Erin Hannon
Hi guys!
Pete Miller
Hey, look who it is!
Erin Hannon
Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose.
Oscar Martinez
Try this one. (handing Erin a cup of espresso)
Erin Hannon
Thank you! (leaves the room)

Scene 10

1 line
Erin Hannon
I don’t really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone’s trust. About the pens.

Scene 11

5 lines
Pam Beesly
You ready for your interview?
Darryl Philbin
I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy’s job in the bag until my interview.
Pam Beesly
Well, you shouldn’t be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I guess…
Pam Beesly
Really, you can’t be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he’s basically Gumby with hair. (Darryl laughs)

Scene 12

10 lines
Suit Store Father
(chuckling) It’s kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
Dwight Schrute
You know, you’re right! We hadn’t even thought of that, had we boy? (to Clark)
Clark Green
No, we sure hadn’t Pop. (both chuckling)
Dwight Schrute
(Takes picture from desk) Oh! You’re a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? (grabs Clark’s shoulder)
Clark Green
He calls me Clarky ‘cause he’s my Dad.
Dwight Schrute
Guilty!
Suit Store Father
You don’t meet many hunters these days.
Clark Green
My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he’s like a serial killer… of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! (Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise)
Dwight Schrute
It was his birthday, just turned three. So…
Suit Store Father
Ahh…

Scene 13

22 lines
Oscar Martinez
You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?
Nellie Bertram
No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?
Kevin Malone
Taste test? I’m in!
Oscar Martinez
YOLO! (singing and dancing)
Phyllis Vance
What? (everyone is confused)
Oscar Martinez
It’s a thing. It means “you only live once”.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, we’re aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it.
Oscar Martinez
Well…
Kevin Malone
Alright everybody, who’s in? (everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle) Angela? (Angela shakes her head) Don’t make us come over there.
Angela Martin
No, I don’t… no.
Kevin Malone
Alright, let’s go. (starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela)
Angela Martin
Can’t I just agree without putting my hand in?
Nellie Bertram
Absolutely not!
Kevin Malone
No way.
Angela Martin
Oh, fine. (puts a napkin on top of everyone else’s hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin)
Kevin Malone
Ok guys, “we all drink them all”.
Everyone
(Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley) We all drink them all!
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Oscar Martinez
Yes!
Nellie Bertram
Whoo!
Phyllis Vance
Hey, where’s my ring?
Creed Bratton
I’m sure it’ll turn up.

Scene 14

15 lines
Athlead Employee
(in the background) Yes ma’am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You’ll see us on the right side, you can’t miss us.
Dennis
…And I want to reach every demographic possible.
Jim Halpert
No, I hear what you’re saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright?
Dennis
We’re talking weeks here, not months, right?
Jim Halpert
Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago.
Dennis
Alright. Good.
Jim Halpert
Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. (To Pam) Hey! How are you?
Pam Beesly
Good!
Jim Halpert
What are you doing here?
Pam Beesly
I just wanted to see you!
Jim Halpert
That’s so great!
Darryl Philbin
Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!
Jim Halpert
It’s pretty great, right? I mean, we’re coming along… (to coworker) Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis’s timeline
Wade
Okay
Jim Halpert
(back to Pam) Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home.

Scene 15

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
…But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark’s getting out of my car. He’s a good boy, does whatever I say.
Suit Store Father
(sighs) I can’t relate to that, my son hates my guts.
Dwight Schrute
Oh… really.
Suit Store Father
Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?
Dwight Schrute
(fumbling) Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they’re not even good. Really, they’re bad. Like you and your son.
Clark Green
(enters) Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but… God I missed you!
Dwight Schrute
What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?
Clark Green
(confused) I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool.
Dwight Schrute
You’re being disrespectful!
Clark Green
…And I love you, for saying that.
Dwight Schrute
(whispers to Clark) We don’t get along.
Clark Green
(catches on) Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is… our relationship is… terr-
Dwight Schrute
Terrible!
Clark Green
Terrible.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!

Scene 16

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Wow, this place is… so great. I had no idea – on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.
Jim Halpert
Well, I mean, I don’t even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so… These things go down all the time.
Darryl Philbin
If this company’s going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it.
Jim Halpert
(to Pam) Are you cool to just hang out?
Pam Beesly
Sure, no problem.
Jim Halpert
Yeah? (to Darryl) You ready?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Let’s do it!

Scene 17

1 line
Erin Hannon
The pen delivery went amazing, and now I’ve got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I’m not one of those people who’s just like, “Uh, sure. I’ll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back’s turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand… they are just sitting here. Pam didn’t tell me not to unpack them. Don’t want to be a busybody, but I don’t want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it’s insane! I’m sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I’ve never had an espresso before. They’re good though.

Scene 18

13 lines
Nellie Bertram
A-bam! (slams espresso cup on table) My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I’ve tried so far is Alpine Select!
Kevin Malone
Yes! (giggles and picks up Angela)
Angela Martin
Ugh!
Kevin Malone
One! (as he picks Angela up in the air)
Angela Martin
Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin Malone
Two… (picks Angela up again)
Angela Martin
Stop it!
Kevin Malone
Three…
Oscar Martinez
That’s enough Kevin.
Angela Martin
Stop it Kevin!
Kevin Malone
Four!
Oscar Martinez
That’s enough!
Angela Martin
Kevin!

Scene 19

23 lines
Clark Green
So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
Suit Store Father
I heard that before…
Clark Green
Well, I understand, but –
Dwight Schrute
I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
Clark Green
Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.
Suit Store Father
Listen to him. He created you.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe if you listened a little bit, you’d improve. No wonder women despise you.
Clark Green
Women don’t despise me…
Dwight Schrute
His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam’s apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn’t see it, or didn’t wanna see it.
Clark Green
Alright, that’s enough, ‘cause I can say some things about him too.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah? Like what?
Clark Green
Like the time that you got drunk and, and then… Killed those kids on their way to prom!
Dwight Schrute
That never happened. He’s always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught “saving treats” from the kitty litter box.
Suit Store Father
Really shameful…
Clark Green
So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-
Dwight Schrute
Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Clark Green
There’s obviously a volume discount uh, if you-
Dwight Schrute
Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going “please kitty, may I have some more?” You can’t make this stuff up!
Clark Green
No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.
Suit Store Son
Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
Suit Store Father
Here he is, my son.
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Suit Store Son
…Did you say cat turd collector?

Scene 20

13 lines
Athlead Employee
...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we’re just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that’s not a mandate.
Darryl Philbin
“Mandate”- Always think of two men on a date. (awkward moment) I have gay friends… I have one gay friend. (to Jim) Oscar?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hm
Athlead Employee
Alright, so what makes you think you’d be a good fit here?
Darryl Philbin
(freezes) Ummm… (a moment later) Alright. Obviously y’all look really busy, and uh, I don’t want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh… Obviously I’m not qualified to be here man, I’m… I’m a warehouse manager, you know…
Athlead Employee
Darryl, I was a newspaper editor.
Female Athlead Employee
Science teacher, volleyball coach.
3rd Athlead Employee
I work at a home shopping network.
4th Athlead Employee
I’m a laywer. I’m the only one here who can honestly help. (group chuckles)
Jim Halpert
And as you know, I was a paper salesman. (whispers to Darryl) Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. (group overhears and chuckles)
Darryl Philbin
Cool. Hey, thanks…
Athlead Employee
So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company?
Darryl Philbin
Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh… (pulls booklets from his bag) I wrote some down. There you go. (passes out booklets) Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! (group laughs)

Scene 21

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!

Scene 22

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I usually take a siesta about now.

Scene 23

6 lines
Pete Miller
(to Erin) Stocking pens, huh? You’re like the new office administrator.
Erin Hannon
No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it’s the truth, I swear.
Kevin Malone
Pam! Pam, look out! Erin’s gunning for your job!
Erin Hannon
No, I’m not! (Kevin imitates gunfire) It’s not like that at all! Forget it, I’m so sorry.
Kevin Malone
Pam, look out!
Erin Hannon
Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you’ve had.

Scene 24

5 lines
Athlead Employee
By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.
Pam Beesly
That’s sweet that he talks about me.
Athlead Employee
It’s too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though…
Pam Beesly
Well, that’s funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia.
Athlead Employee
We can’t wait until you move here.

Scene 25

13 lines
Suit Store Son
I’m sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?
Dwight Schrute
Do you mind? The men are talking.
Suit Store Father
Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Dwight Schrute
Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Suit Store Father
I’d love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I’m just here for human contract.
Suit Store Son
Okay Pop…
Dwight Schrute
Wait, so you’re the boss?
Suit Store Son
That’s right.
Clark Green
Hi, I’m Clark.
Suit Store Son
Hey.
Clark Green
Let’s talk.
Suit Store Son
Okay.
Clark Green
So if you look at our catalog here…

Scene 26

3 lines
Athlead Employee
Well, thanks for coming down Darryl.
Female Athlead Employee
It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you’d fit in great here.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, yeah me too. I think it’d be like… You know what? (grabs basketball) I think it’d be like a Kevin Durant jump shot… Perfecto! (shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish) Oh my god…

Scene 27

13 lines
Pam Beesly
They’re the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It’s like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don’t blame Cece.
Darryl Philbin
So I’m like a three year old girl in this scenario…
Pam Beesly
Say they don’t hire you. It’s not like you’re out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you.
Darryl Philbin
And I’d only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I’m… I’m not so sure I’d like living in Philadelphia.
Pam Beesly
Right? Thank you! It’s just Philly. Everyone’s acting like it’s New York or Paris or London.
Darryl Philbin
Who needs it?
Pam Beesly
Not us.
Jim Halpert
(enters) Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They’re going to make you pay for the fish, and… they wanted to know when you can start.
Darryl Philbin
What? (Jim shrugs) How about yesterday?
Pam Beesly
Congratulations.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly
I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
Darryl Philbin
Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die!

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
No, I’m not upset. I’m really excited for Darryl… Maybe I’m a little disappointed that we’ll be losing him.

Scene 29

3 lines
Kevin Malone
It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here.
Oscar Martinez
It’s insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too!
Angela Martin
(banging on window) I don’t get the point of this stupid window!

Scene 30

4 lines
Clark Green
I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad’s suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That’s why his face always breaks out.
Suit Store Son
Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? (Clark chuckles)
Clark Green
You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I’m going to need one right? If I’m ever going to get a “real job” and move my “lazy ass” out of your “G.D. house”.
Suit Store Son
He’s got you there…

Scene 31

6 lines
Suit Store Son
(to Clark in dressing room) That’s Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful… Although expensive.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, you don’t want Italian. You’ll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you’ll be doing life in Rikers Island.
Clark Green
Well, that’s better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.
Dwight Schrute
That place doesn’t exist. It’s not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?
Clark Green
(emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit) How do I look?
Dwight Schrute
Actually… You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I’ll take one too.

Scene 32

10 lines
Oscar Martinez
Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don’t we move the copier into the annex like we’ve always wanted to?
Nellie Bertram
Whoo!
Meredith Palmer
Frickin’ A!
Oscar Martinez
Huh?
Kevin Malone
So long, noise!
Oscar Martinez
One, two, three! (all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath)
Nellie Bertram
And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we’re going to be in so much trouble!
Oscar Martinez
Wait! (looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet) It’s beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.
Meredith Palmer
Tear up the carpet!
Nellie Bertram
Whoo!

Scene 33

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That’s how you do that, baby. It’s all good, I’m ready. Y’all ready for this? (sings intro to “Everybody dance now”, points to Pam to sing first line)
Pam Beesly
(reluctantly) Everybody dance now… (Darryl continues singing)

Scene 34

15 lines
Oscar Martinez
Kevin, move. I can’t pull up the rug if you’re standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.
Kevin Malone
Well I can’t stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.
Angela Martin
Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don’t you just have some more coffee?
Stanley Hudson
It’s all gone. I didn’t get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.
Creed Bratton
I saw the leaves twitch!
Angela Martin
Shut up!
Creed Bratton
You shut up!
Oscar Martinez
Everybody shut up and work!
Phyllis Vance
We don’t work for you!
Kevin Malone
Yeah!
Angela Martin
Yeah!
Stanley Hudson
Hey, it’s five o’clock. (everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot)
Oscar Martinez
(with horns honking) Kevin, can-
Angela Martin
What’s going on?

Scene 35

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yes! We did it! (leaving the suit store)
Clark Green
You opened the door-
Dwight Schrute
And you closed it. The boys are back in town. (high fives Clark) High fives! Ha ha!
Clark Green
Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?
Dwight Schrute
You got me! (tickles Clark and chuckles) I used to collect them!
Clark Green
Why?
Dwight Schrute
Each one is very different, like a snowflake.

Scene 36

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(shocked after seeing the torn up carpet) Hey… What happened here?
Erin Hannon
You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That’s what happened. The pens happened.
Pam Beesly
…Are the pens here?