Every line from The Office episode "Suit Warehouse", season 9 episode 11.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone with Jim) I hope you’ve been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it’s time for another episode of “Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire”.
Jim Halpert: Sorry, Stinky, can’t do it. Too busy.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, god, this again? You’re Stinky.
Jim Halpert: Okay. There’s no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis Vance: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. (back to Jim) See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Jim Halpert: Hey, I’m in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight Schrute: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim Halpert: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight Schrute: Mmm. That’s a good… question. 300 times… (Jim hangs up) 180… Um that comes to 25 minutes. (realizes Jim hung up) Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.
Nellie Bertram: Darryl, looking good!
Darryl Philbin: Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim’s company.
Pam Beesly: Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?
Darryl Philbin: Why don’t you come along and tell him yourself?
Pam Beesly: Ha ha. That’d be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get… What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of this? Andy’s not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I’m expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that?
Erin Hannon: Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details.
Pam Beesly: A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything’s in order.
Erin Hannon: What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it’s in order? I (laughs) haven’t been trained for this.
Pam Beesly: (giggles) Okay, see you later.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, look who’s back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin Malone: Hey, so how was it? I mean… the sex with Jan.
Clark Green: A gentleman doesn’t discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
Meredith Palmer: Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, “Talk classy, act nasty”.
Clark Green: What’s with the wig Meredith?
Meredith Palmer: What, is it on backwards? (partially removes wig, revealing her bald head)
Clark Green: Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It’s an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so… bon appetite.
Phyllis Vance: Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that’s Italian.
Oscar Martinez: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Meredith Palmer: Always with the friends Oscar. Can’t we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Oscar Martinez: Actually, it’s pronounced “espresso”… Wait. That’s what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So…
Dwight Schrute: There he is! (chuckles) We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but…
Clark Green: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Dwight Schrute: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh… No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?
Clark Green: (sarcastically chuckling) I loved it.
Dwight Schrute: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Clark Green: If it’ll lead to me being a salesman, I’ll pretend to be your friend.
Dwight Schrute: Then looks like we have a deal… Son (holds up a suit identical to his)
Pete Miller: Hey, look who it is!
Erin Hannon: Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose.
Oscar Martinez: Try this one. (handing Erin a cup of espresso)
Erin Hannon: Thank you! (leaves the room)
Pam Beesly: You ready for your interview?
Darryl Philbin: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy’s job in the bag until my interview.
Pam Beesly: Well, you shouldn’t be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, I guess…
Pam Beesly: Really, you can’t be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he’s basically Gumby with hair. (Darryl laughs)
Suit Store Father: (chuckling) It’s kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
Dwight Schrute: You know, you’re right! We hadn’t even thought of that, had we boy? (to Clark)
Clark Green: No, we sure hadn’t Pop. (both chuckling)
Dwight Schrute: (Takes picture from desk) Oh! You’re a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? (grabs Clark’s shoulder)
Clark Green: He calls me Clarky ‘cause he’s my Dad.
Suit Store Father: You don’t meet many hunters these days.
Clark Green: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he’s like a serial killer… of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! (Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise)
Dwight Schrute: It was his birthday, just turned three. So…
Oscar Martinez: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?
Nellie Bertram: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?
Kevin Malone: Taste test? I’m in!
Oscar Martinez: YOLO! (singing and dancing)
Phyllis Vance: What? (everyone is confused)
Oscar Martinez: It’s a thing. It means “you only live once”.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, we’re aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it.
Kevin Malone: Alright everybody, who’s in? (everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle) Angela? (Angela shakes her head) Don’t make us come over there.
Angela Martin: No, I don’t… no.
Kevin Malone: Alright, let’s go. (starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela)
Angela Martin: Can’t I just agree without putting my hand in?
Nellie Bertram: Absolutely not!
Angela Martin: Oh, fine. (puts a napkin on top of everyone else’s hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin)
Kevin Malone: Ok guys, “we all drink them all”.
Everyone: (Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley) We all drink them all!
Phyllis Vance: Hey, where’s my ring?
Creed Bratton: I’m sure it’ll turn up.
Athlead Employee: (in the background) Yes ma’am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You’ll see us on the right side, you can’t miss us.
Dennis: …And I want to reach every demographic possible.
Jim Halpert: No, I hear what you’re saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright?
Dennis: We’re talking weeks here, not months, right?
Jim Halpert: Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago.
Jim Halpert: Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. (To Pam) Hey! How are you?
Jim Halpert: What are you doing here?
Pam Beesly: I just wanted to see you!
Jim Halpert: That’s so great!
Darryl Philbin: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!
Jim Halpert: It’s pretty great, right? I mean, we’re coming along… (to coworker) Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis’s timeline
Jim Halpert: (back to Pam) Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home.
Dwight Schrute: …But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark’s getting out of my car. He’s a good boy, does whatever I say.
Suit Store Father: (sighs) I can’t relate to that, my son hates my guts.
Dwight Schrute: Oh… really.
Suit Store Father: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?
Dwight Schrute: (fumbling) Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they’re not even good. Really, they’re bad. Like you and your son.
Clark Green: (enters) Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but… God I missed you!
Dwight Schrute: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?
Clark Green: (confused) I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool.
Dwight Schrute: You’re being disrespectful!
Clark Green: …And I love you, for saying that.
Dwight Schrute: (whispers to Clark) We don’t get along.
Clark Green: (catches on) Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is… our relationship is… terr-
Dwight Schrute: Terrible!
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!
Pam Beesly: Wow, this place is… so great. I had no idea – on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.
Jim Halpert: Well, I mean, I don’t even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so… These things go down all the time.
Darryl Philbin: If this company’s going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it.
Jim Halpert: (to Pam) Are you cool to just hang out?
Pam Beesly: Sure, no problem.
Jim Halpert: Yeah? (to Darryl) You ready?
Jim Halpert: Let’s do it!
Erin Hannon: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I’ve got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I’m not one of those people who’s just like, “Uh, sure. I’ll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back’s turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand… they are just sitting here. Pam didn’t tell me not to unpack them. Don’t want to be a busybody, but I don’t want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it’s insane! I’m sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I’ve never had an espresso before. They’re good though.
Nellie Bertram: A-bam! (slams espresso cup on table) My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I’ve tried so far is Alpine Select!
Kevin Malone: Yes! (giggles and picks up Angela)
Kevin Malone: One! (as he picks Angela up in the air)
Angela Martin: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin Malone: Two… (picks Angela up again)
Oscar Martinez: That’s enough Kevin.
Angela Martin: Stop it Kevin!
Oscar Martinez: That’s enough!
Clark Green: So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
Suit Store Father: I heard that before…
Clark Green: Well, I understand, but –
Dwight Schrute: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
Clark Green: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.
Suit Store Father: Listen to him. He created you.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe if you listened a little bit, you’d improve. No wonder women despise you.
Clark Green: Women don’t despise me…
Dwight Schrute: His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam’s apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn’t see it, or didn’t wanna see it.
Clark Green: Alright, that’s enough, ‘cause I can say some things about him too.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah? Like what?
Clark Green: Like the time that you got drunk and, and then… Killed those kids on their way to prom!
Dwight Schrute: That never happened. He’s always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught “saving treats” from the kitty litter box.
Suit Store Father: Really shameful…
Clark Green: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-
Dwight Schrute: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Clark Green: There’s obviously a volume discount uh, if you-
Dwight Schrute: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going “please kitty, may I have some more?” You can’t make this stuff up!
Clark Green: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.
Suit Store Son: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
Suit Store Father: Here he is, my son.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Suit Store Son: …Did you say cat turd collector?
Athlead Employee: ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we’re just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that’s not a mandate.
Darryl Philbin: “Mandate”- Always think of two men on a date. (awkward moment) I have gay friends… I have one gay friend. (to Jim) Oscar?
Athlead Employee: Alright, so what makes you think you’d be a good fit here?
Darryl Philbin: (freezes) Ummm… (a moment later) Alright. Obviously y’all look really busy, and uh, I don’t want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh… Obviously I’m not qualified to be here man, I’m… I’m a warehouse manager, you know…
Athlead Employee: Darryl, I was a newspaper editor.
Female Athlead Employee: Science teacher, volleyball coach.
3rd Athlead Employee: I work at a home shopping network.
4th Athlead Employee: I’m a laywer. I’m the only one here who can honestly help. (group chuckles)
Jim Halpert: And as you know, I was a paper salesman. (whispers to Darryl) Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. (group overhears and chuckles)
Darryl Philbin: Cool. Hey, thanks…
Athlead Employee: So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company?
Darryl Philbin: Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh… (pulls booklets from his bag) I wrote some down. There you go. (passes out booklets) Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! (group laughs)
Pete Miller: (to Erin) Stocking pens, huh? You’re like the new office administrator.
Erin Hannon: No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it’s the truth, I swear.
Kevin Malone: Pam! Pam, look out! Erin’s gunning for your job!
Erin Hannon: No, I’m not! (Kevin imitates gunfire) It’s not like that at all! Forget it, I’m so sorry.
Kevin Malone: Pam, look out!
Erin Hannon: Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you’ve had.
Athlead Employee: By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.
Pam Beesly: That’s sweet that he talks about me.
Athlead Employee: It’s too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though…
Pam Beesly: Well, that’s funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia.
Athlead Employee: We can’t wait until you move here.
Suit Store Son: I’m sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?
Dwight Schrute: Do you mind? The men are talking.
Suit Store Father: Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Dwight Schrute: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Suit Store Father: I’d love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I’m just here for human contract.
Suit Store Son: Okay Pop…
Dwight Schrute: Wait, so you’re the boss?
Suit Store Son: That’s right.
Clark Green: Hi, I’m Clark.
Clark Green: So if you look at our catalog here…
Athlead Employee: Well, thanks for coming down Darryl.
Female Athlead Employee: It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you’d fit in great here.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, yeah me too. I think it’d be like… You know what? (grabs basketball) I think it’d be like a Kevin Durant jump shot… Perfecto! (shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish) Oh my god…
Pam Beesly: They’re the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It’s like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don’t blame Cece.
Darryl Philbin: So I’m like a three year old girl in this scenario…
Pam Beesly: Say they don’t hire you. It’s not like you’re out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you.
Darryl Philbin: And I’d only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I’m… I’m not so sure I’d like living in Philadelphia.
Pam Beesly: Right? Thank you! It’s just Philly. Everyone’s acting like it’s New York or Paris or London.
Darryl Philbin: Who needs it?
Jim Halpert: (enters) Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They’re going to make you pay for the fish, and… they wanted to know when you can start.
Darryl Philbin: What? (Jim shrugs) How about yesterday?
Pam Beesly: Congratulations.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly: I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
Darryl Philbin: Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die!
Clark Green: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad’s suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That’s why his face always breaks out.
Suit Store Son: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? (Clark chuckles)
Clark Green: You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I’m going to need one right? If I’m ever going to get a “real job” and move my “lazy ass” out of your “G.D. house”.
Suit Store Son: He’s got you there…
Suit Store Son: (to Clark in dressing room) That’s Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful… Although expensive.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, you don’t want Italian. You’ll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you’ll be doing life in Rikers Island.
Clark Green: Well, that’s better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.
Dwight Schrute: That place doesn’t exist. It’s not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?
Clark Green: (emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit) How do I look?
Dwight Schrute: Actually… You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I’ll take one too.
Oscar Martinez: Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don’t we move the copier into the annex like we’ve always wanted to?
Meredith Palmer: Frickin’ A!
Kevin Malone: So long, noise!
Oscar Martinez: One, two, three! (all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath)
Nellie Bertram: And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we’re going to be in so much trouble!
Oscar Martinez: Wait! (looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet) It’s beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.
Meredith Palmer: Tear up the carpet!
Darryl Philbin: Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That’s how you do that, baby. It’s all good, I’m ready. Y’all ready for this? (sings intro to “Everybody dance now”, points to Pam to sing first line)
Pam Beesly: (reluctantly) Everybody dance now… (Darryl continues singing)
Oscar Martinez: Kevin, move. I can’t pull up the rug if you’re standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.
Kevin Malone: Well I can’t stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.
Angela Martin: Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don’t you just have some more coffee?
Stanley Hudson: It’s all gone. I didn’t get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.
Creed Bratton: I saw the leaves twitch!
Creed Bratton: You shut up!
Oscar Martinez: Everybody shut up and work!
Phyllis Vance: We don’t work for you!
Stanley Hudson: Hey, it’s five o’clock. (everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot)
Oscar Martinez: (with horns honking) Kevin, can-
Angela Martin: What’s going on?
Dwight Schrute: Yes! We did it! (leaving the suit store)
Clark Green: You opened the door-
Dwight Schrute: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. (high fives Clark) High fives! Ha ha!
Clark Green: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?
Dwight Schrute: You got me! (tickles Clark and chuckles) I used to collect them!
Dwight Schrute: Each one is very different, like a snowflake.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 9. Suit Warehouse is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.