Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Customer Loyalty

Vol. 9 · Issue 12Scranton, PA

Tensions are high in Scranton as Jim and Pam have their first real fallout over a missed dance recital. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from Dwight's intense loyalty pledge to the moment Brian the boom mic guy finally steps in. It's the full script including all the awkwardness between Pete, Erin, and Nellie's "task force."

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. “Scranton Mimeograph Corp?” I don’t think we’re doing business with them any time soon. That’s odd.  A letter from Robert Dunder. “A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.” The Holy Grail.

Scene 02

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone): Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
Jim Halpert
I think I’m a little too busy these days to s--- (whispering) Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.

Scene 04

8 lines
Kevin Malone
I don’t get it.
Dwight Schrute
Aha! A lightbulb.
Kevin Malone
A lightbul--
Dwight Schrute
A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. (holding note over lamp) Invisible ink.
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Dwight Schrute
“Higher than numbers go.” The ceiling above accounting!
Angela Martin
Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!
Jim Halpert
(on phone): Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ...

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
You don’t remember?

Scene 07

1 line
Jim Halpert
I don’t.

Scene 08

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
An “X.”
Oscar Martinez
Annex. It must open something in the annex.

Scene 09

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh.
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Dwight Schrute
“Sedes introiti.” Seat of entrance.

Scene 10

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards)
Pete Miller
What?
Oscar Martinez
What?
Kevin Malone
That’s a flush.

Scene 11

2 lines
Everyone
(murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift)
Everyone
The warehouse.

Scene 12

1 line
Pam Beesly
(on phone to Jim) There’s nothing down here.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
Oh, I expected more from young Halpert.

Scene 14

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Let’s just forget it. Forget it. (warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice)

Scene 15

10 lines
Nellie Bertram
So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?
Erin Hannon
Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack.
Nellie Bertram
Wow.
Erin Hannon
It’s just Pete in sunglasses.
Nellie Bertram
Oh.
Erin Hannon
And then we had him “Like” Dunder Mifflin.
Pete Miller
Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them “Like” Derek’s “Likes.”
Erin Hannon
So far, we’re only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big.
Nellie Bertram
You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.
Erin Hannon
All right.

Scene 16

1 line
Erin Hannon
Pete and I work well together -- not that there’s anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl-- not that I’m into girls. Not that I’m into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?

Scene 17

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Co-worker
Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later.
Co-worker #2
Uh sure. No problem.

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
Cece’s ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I’ve been working with her on her move. It’s called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It’s kind of like this. It’s pretty cute, right?

Scene 19

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pfft, “Athlead”? Please. They’re too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it “Stumpany,” for “Stupid Company.”
Darryl Philbin
Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That’s why I’m doing it.
Dwight Schrute
You’re working for “Stumpany” too?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I’m switching over.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Darryl Philbin
Yep.

Scene 20

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Hey, Halpert, what’s the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you’re stealing Darryl too. When will it end?
Jim Halpert
Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity.
Dwight Schrute
You won’t stop until you’ve poached us all.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Even you.
Dwight Schrute
No. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let us lose me.
Jim Halpert
Bye, Dwight.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.

Scene 22

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?
Kevin Malone
Ooh, I haven’t heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?
Pam Beesly
Oh, no, Kevin, it’s not a joke. Angela’s husband put me up for a-- um, just never mind.
Angela Martin
I have no information. But I’m sure as soon as they know, they’ll call you.

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I’m just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let’s be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with -- some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?

Scene 24

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Well, I’m heading out to Cece’s dance recital.
Oscar Martinez
Aw.

Scene 25

20 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Cece, Daddy’s gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?
Cece
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Let’s call him.
Jim Halpert
Hey. I was just about to call you.
Pam Beesly
Hey, Hon, are you close?
Jim Halpert
I am still in Philly, actually.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
It’s insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I’m stuck here trying to keep him on board.
Pam Beesly
Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren’t gonna make it.
Jim Halpert
Pam, I couldn’t get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call.
Cece
I want Daddy.
Jim Halpert
You’re gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy’s gonna record it. So we’ll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Of course.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?
Pam Beesly
Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you’re not the best with the phone.
Pam Beesly
I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we’re getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, “Bye, Daddy.”
Cece
Bye, Daddy.
Jim Halpert
Bye.  (pause) Yep. See, you’ve still got to press “End,” Pam.
Cece
Press “End.”

Scene 26

11 lines
Pete Miller
Oh, check it out. This is our first real “Like.”
Erin Hannon
Oh, my gosh!
Pete Miller
Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific.
Erin Hannon
Wow. That guy’s really into paper.
Pete Miller
Yeah.
Nellie Bertram
Well done, you two.
Erin Hannon
We did it. Youth task force forever.
Pete Miller
Yes.
Pete Miller
(doing a series of hand bumps with Erin) Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?
Erin Hannon
No, you go -- okay.
Pete Miller
All right, all right.Okay, start over.

Scene 27

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man.  “Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.” I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.

Scene 28

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around -- on me. Just sign your name below.
Everyone
(murmuring)
Dwight Schrute
You’re welcome.
Phyllis Vance
Wait. This says “Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge”?
Dwight Schrute
This -- uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.
Oscar Martinez
“Loyalty pledge”?
Darryl Philbin
Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I’m getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, we’ll see about that.

Scene 29

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you’ve got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? “Infuriating, irresponsible”...
Clark Green
They got us set up with Windows 95,  so you’re kind of dreaming here.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I’m gonna need you to print it out.

Scene 30

28 lines
Dwight Schrute
(writing on white board) Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it’s an idea. But what does it mean?
Kevin Malone
Ooh, it’s when you get a free sandwich after you’ve already eaten ten sandwiches.
Dwight Schrute
Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client.
Mr. Romanko
I wouldn’t say a rage.
Darryl Philbin
Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It’s very unlikely it would happen again.
Mr. Romanko
Thank you. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
No, you’re not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl?  L--
Darryl Philbin
Loyalty.
Dwight Schrute
Loyalty.
Nellie Bertram
Loyalty is exactly right.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Nellie Bertram
Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let’s all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?
Stanley Hudson
That’s none of your damn business.
Nellie Bertram
Darryl is “dating” Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl Philbin
Darryl is dating Val... still.
Nellie Bertram
But he’s flirting with Jim’s company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.
Mr. Romanko
I’m sorry. Do I still need to be here?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Nellie Bertram
I’m having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So let’s-- let’s use an example. Take Erin. Erin’s boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Nellie Bertram
So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example?
Creed Bratton
Let’s try it out.
Nellie Bertram
No, let’s-- let’s-- let’s not say Creed. Let’s say Mr. X.
Angela Martin
Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy.
Erin Hannon
Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you cheat on Andy?
Angela Martin
Yes. And he didn’t like it.
Phyllis Vance
Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X?
Kevin Malone
Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that’s the guy that Erin’s flirting with?

Scene 31

11 lines
Dance Teacher
Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas.
Ballerinas
One, two, three.
Parent in Audience
Really?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry.
Ballerinas
One, two, three.
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? (Loudly) Oh, my God!
Audience
Shh!
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Um, I’m sorry. I have to go. My daughter’s a ladybug. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you.
Parent in audience #2
You’re very rude.
Parent in audience #1
Yes, very rude.
Pam Beesly
Shh! Kids are dancing.

Scene 32

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. (chuckles) So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?
Darryl Philbin
Dwight, look, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that.
Dwight Schrute
It can’t be more fun than selling paper and paper products.
Darryl Philbin
It can.
Dwight Schrute
Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?

Scene 33

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
Well, Andy’s cute, but he’s too vanilla, whereas Pete - he’s just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.
Erin Hannon
I’m just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven’t done anything.

Scene 34

8 lines
Meredith Palmer
Yeah right. With slammin’ bods like that, they ain’t playing checkers.
Oscar Martinez
People, it’s 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?
Erin Hannon
Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that’s the end of it. Right, Pete?
Pete Miller
That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from?
Kevin Malone
Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis.
Everyone
(groan)
Erin Hannon
Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. I’m not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force.
Nellie Bertram
I suppose that will-- that will be all right, yeah.

Scene 35

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You’re welcome, Andy. And you’re welcome, my own ass.

Scene 36

4 lines
Investor
Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me.
Co-worker
Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim?
Jim Halpert
Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he’s gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s--
Jim Halpert
Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he’ll be calling in any second.

Scene 37

1 line
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something.

Scene 38

4 lines
Lonnie
Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery.
Darryl Philbin
I don’t do that anymore.
Lonnie
That’s what they told me.
Darryl Philbin
(sighs)

Scene 39

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
All right, let’s get this over with.
Dwight Schrute
You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! (laughs) Here we go! Yeah!

Scene 40

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!
Darryl Philbin
How far is this place? (turns off radio)
Dwight Schrute
Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. (throws small ball at Darryl)
Darryl Philbin
Fun.

Scene 41

11 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, thank you. I don’t know, I sort of thought--
Toby Flenderson
(hugging Nellie) So proud of you, Hon.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I don’t know. Okay.
Toby Flenderson
I’m just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin?
Nellie Bertram
Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I-- I just sort of felt I owed him one.
Toby Flenderson
Pete’s a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat.
Nellie Bertram
I didn’t really think about it like that.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have.
Nellie Bertram
“What we have”?
Toby Flenderson
Mm-hmm.

Scene 42

1 line
Nellie Bertram
I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Scene 43

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Fast food. I’ll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.
Darryl Philbin
They have fast food in Philly.
Dwight Schrute
Not like this.
Darryl Philbin
Exactly like this.
Fast Food Worker
And your milkshake.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
It’s 30 degrees out. You drinkin’ a mildshake?
Dwight Schrute
Nope. (throwing milkshake) Fire in the hole! (laughs) Oh, yeah! Now that’s what working at a paper company’s all about!
Dwight Schrute
Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k-- We have to go.
Darryl Philbin
You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage.
Dwight Schrute
It’s a youtube thing! Let’s go. Let’s go. Come on, they’re coming.

Scene 44

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Anyone want to see the video from Cece’s recital?
Angela Martin
Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that (picks up piece of paper).
Oscar Martinez
I’ll watch it. Let’s get this over with.
Pam Beesly
All right, you don’t have to.
Kevin Malone
Let’s get this over with, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Oscar Martinez
Oh.
Pam Beesly
Wait. What?
Pam Beesly
(recorded on phone) Excuse me, I have to get back to work.
Pam Beesly
Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off.
Oscar Martinez
User error. I’ve heard of that happening to other people.
Angela Martin
Oscar, don’t rub it in. I’m sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.
Pam Beesly
Well, it was an important phone call.

Scene 45

1 line
Pam Beesly
I haven’t told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he’s always like, “Beesly!” I love that. Only thing better than getting the job-- “Beesly!” (chuckles)

Scene 46

2 lines
Pete Miller
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hello, Peter.

Scene 47

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(cleaning up milkshake in restaurant) It barely even feels like a prank anymore.
Darryl Philbin
You missed a spot.
Drive Thru Customer
Fire in the hole! (throwing milkshake) Go! Go! Go! Go! (tires screech)
Dwight Schrute
Ha ha! Yeah, joke’s on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!

Scene 48

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force.
Erin Hannon
Oh, no, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.
Nellie Bertram
Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it.
Pete Miller
Well, okay, then.
Erin Hannon
I guess we don’t have a choice.
Nellie Bertram
Nope.
Pete Miller
yeah.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
Lady...you never stop surprising me.

Scene 49

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(sighs)
Darryl Philbin
(clears throat)
Dwight Schrute
What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
Darryl Philbin
No. I was clearing my throat.

Scene 50

43 lines
Meredith Palmer
Good night.
Pam Beesly
Night
Creed Bratton
Night
Pam Beesly
Night, Creed.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
So, how’s it going?
Jim Halpert
We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It’s like everything I did, he just wouldn’t go for it.
Pam Beesly
I’m so sorry.
Jim Halpert
I have no idea where we’re gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks.
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Oh, I’m sorry. I feel like you’ve already been working insanely hard.
Jim Halpert
Can you figure out how to upload Cece’s dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up.
Pam Beesly
Um, actually, funny story -- I didn’t get it. I shouldn’t have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all.
Jim Halpert
You’re not serious, are you? You didn’t get any of the recital?
Pam Beesly
No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part.
Jim Halpert
Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. I’m sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it.
Jim Halpert
Oh, great. So we’ll see somebody else’s kid with Cece in the background? I mean, it’s really not that hard to film a video.
Pam Beesly
Is there-- um... you want to ease up a little bit?
Jim Halpert
Look, Pam, I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It’s gone. That moment’s just gone. I missed it.
Pam Beesly
I don’t know, Jim -- maybe you should have been there.
Jim Halpert
You’re not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I’m in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You’ve agreed to this.
Pam Beesly
You know what? I-- I-- I don’t think you want to start a conversation with me about what’s fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever --
Jim Halpert
Pam, I’m not explaining this to you-- Pam, I’m not going over this again.
Co-worker
Jim. We need you.
Jim Halpert
I don’t know how else to tell you, okay? I’m doing everything I can every week to bring home something...
Pam Beesly
I am-- I am-- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want.
Jim Halpert
I’m doing this just for me? Is that what I’m doing? I’m doing it just for me. If that’s what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay?
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Jim Halpert
We’ll talk tomorrow?
Pam Beesly
Yep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Jim Halpert
Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Pam Beesly
Bye. (quietly crying, sniffling)
Brian
Hey, you okay?
Pam Beesly
What am I doing wrong, Brian?
Brian
Nothing. You’re doing the best you can.
Cameraman
Brian.
Brian
Give her a minute. Give her a minute.
Pam Beesly
(crying)
Brian
Hey, it’s just a tough situation, all right?
Pam Beesly
It’s getting tougher. I just didn’t know that it was gonna be this hard.
Brian
Yeah. Let’s turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.

Scene 51

6 lines
Guy
(on video) Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Darryl Philbin
(watching you tube video, laughing)
Guy
(on video) I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah.
Darryl Philbin
And replay.
Guy
(on video) Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah.
Darryl Philbin
(sighs) I’m gonna miss the paper business.