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Season 9 Episode 12
Customer Loyalty

Every line from The Office episode "Customer Loyalty", season 9 episode 12.

Dwight Schrute: Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. “Scranton Mimeograph Corp?” I don’t think we’re doing business with them any time soon. That’s odd.  A letter from Robert Dunder. “A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.” The Holy Grail.
Pam Beesly: (on phone): Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
Jim Halpert: I think I’m a little too busy these days to s--- (whispering) Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.
Jim Halpert: The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.
Kevin Malone: I don’t get it.
Dwight Schrute: Aha! A lightbulb.
Kevin Malone: A lightbul--
Dwight Schrute: A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. (holding note over lamp) Invisible ink.
Kevin Malone: Whoa.
Dwight Schrute: “Higher than numbers go.” The ceiling above accounting!
Angela Martin: Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!
Jim Halpert: (on phone): Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ...
Jim Halpert: ...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?
Pam Beesly: You don’t remember?
Jim Halpert: I don’t.
Dwight Schrute: An “X.”
Oscar Martinez: Annex. It must open something in the annex.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Kevin Malone: Whoa.
Dwight Schrute: “Sedes introiti.” Seat of entrance.
Dwight Schrute: (shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards)
Pete Miller: What?
Oscar Martinez: What?
Kevin Malone: That’s a flush.
Everyone: (murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift)
Everyone: The warehouse.
Pam Beesly: (on phone to Jim) There’s nothing down here.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I expected more from young Halpert.
Dwight Schrute: Let’s just forget it. Forget it. (warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice)
Nellie Bertram: So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?
Erin Hannon: Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack.
Nellie Bertram: Wow.
Erin Hannon: It’s just Pete in sunglasses.
Nellie Bertram: Oh.
Erin Hannon: And then we had him “Like” Dunder Mifflin.
Pete Miller: Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them “Like” Derek’s “Likes.”
Erin Hannon: So far, we’re only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big.
Nellie Bertram: You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.
Erin Hannon: All right.
Erin Hannon: Pete and I work well together -- not that there’s anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl-- not that I’m into girls. Not that I’m into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Co-worker: Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later.
Co-worker #2: Uh sure. No problem.
Jim Halpert: Cece’s ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I’ve been working with her on her move. It’s called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It’s kind of like this. It’s pretty cute, right?
Dwight Schrute: Pfft, “Athlead”? Please. They’re too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it “Stumpany,” for “Stupid Company.”
Darryl Philbin: Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That’s why I’m doing it.
Dwight Schrute: You’re working for “Stumpany” too?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I’m switching over.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Darryl Philbin: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Hey, Halpert, what’s the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you’re stealing Darryl too. When will it end?
Jim Halpert: Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity.
Dwight Schrute: You won’t stop until you’ve poached us all.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Even you.
Dwight Schrute: No. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let us lose me.
Jim Halpert: Bye, Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?
Kevin Malone: Ooh, I haven’t heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, Kevin, it’s not a joke. Angela’s husband put me up for a-- um, just never mind.
Angela Martin: I have no information. But I’m sure as soon as they know, they’ll call you.
Pam Beesly: Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I’m just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let’s be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with -- some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?
Pam Beesly: Well, I’m heading out to Cece’s dance recital.
Oscar Martinez: Aw.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Cece, Daddy’s gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?
Cece: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Let’s call him.
Jim Halpert: Hey. I was just about to call you.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Hon, are you close?
Jim Halpert: I am still in Philly, actually.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: It’s insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I’m stuck here trying to keep him on board.
Pam Beesly: Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren’t gonna make it.
Jim Halpert: Pam, I couldn’t get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call.
Cece: I want Daddy.
Jim Halpert: You’re gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy’s gonna record it. So we’ll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Of course.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?
Pam Beesly: Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you’re not the best with the phone.
Pam Beesly: I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we’re getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, “Bye, Daddy.”
Cece: Bye, Daddy.
Jim Halpert: Bye.  (pause) Yep. See, you’ve still got to press “End,” Pam.
Cece: Press “End.”
Pete Miller: Oh, check it out. This is our first real “Like.”
Erin Hannon: Oh, my gosh!
Pete Miller: Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific.
Erin Hannon: Wow. That guy’s really into paper.
Pete Miller: Yeah.
Nellie Bertram: Well done, you two.
Erin Hannon: We did it. Youth task force forever.
Pete Miller: Yes.
Pete Miller: (doing a series of hand bumps with Erin) Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?
Erin Hannon: No, you go -- okay.
Pete Miller: All right, all right.Okay, start over.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man.  “Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.” I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around -- on me. Just sign your name below.
Everyone: (murmuring)
Dwight Schrute: You’re welcome.
Phyllis Vance: Wait. This says “Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge”?
Dwight Schrute: This -- uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.
Oscar Martinez: “Loyalty pledge”?
Darryl Philbin: Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I’m getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, we’ll see about that.
Dwight Schrute: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you’ve got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? “Infuriating, irresponsible”...
Clark Green: They got us set up with Windows 95,  so you’re kind of dreaming here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I’m gonna need you to print it out.
Dwight Schrute: (writing on white board) Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it’s an idea. But what does it mean?
Kevin Malone: Ooh, it’s when you get a free sandwich after you’ve already eaten ten sandwiches.
Dwight Schrute: Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client.
Mr. Romanko: I wouldn’t say a rage.
Darryl Philbin: Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It’s very unlikely it would happen again.
Mr. Romanko: Thank you. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: No, you’re not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl?  L--
Darryl Philbin: Loyalty.
Dwight Schrute: Loyalty.
Nellie Bertram: Loyalty is exactly right.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Nellie Bertram: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let’s all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?
Stanley Hudson: That’s none of your damn business.
Nellie Bertram: Darryl is “dating” Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl Philbin: Darryl is dating Val... still.
Nellie Bertram: But he’s flirting with Jim’s company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.
Mr. Romanko: I’m sorry. Do I still need to be here?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Nellie Bertram: I’m having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So let’s-- let’s use an example. Take Erin. Erin’s boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Nellie Bertram: So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example?
Creed Bratton: Let’s try it out.
Nellie Bertram: No, let’s-- let’s-- let’s not say Creed. Let’s say Mr. X.
Angela Martin: Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy.
Erin Hannon: Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you cheat on Andy?
Angela Martin: Yes. And he didn’t like it.
Phyllis Vance: Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X?
Kevin Malone: Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that’s the guy that Erin’s flirting with?
Dance Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas.
Ballerinas: One, two, three.
Parent in Audience: Really?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry.
Ballerinas: One, two, three.
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? (Loudly) Oh, my God!
Audience: Shh!
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Um, I’m sorry. I have to go. My daughter’s a ladybug. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you.
Parent in audience #2: You’re very rude.
Parent in audience #1: Yes, very rude.
Pam Beesly: Shh! Kids are dancing.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. (chuckles) So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?
Darryl Philbin: Dwight, look, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that.
Dwight Schrute: It can’t be more fun than selling paper and paper products.
Darryl Philbin: It can.
Dwight Schrute: Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?
Phyllis Vance: Well, Andy’s cute, but he’s too vanilla, whereas Pete - he’s just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.
Erin Hannon: I’m just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven’t done anything.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah right. With slammin’ bods like that, they ain’t playing checkers.
Oscar Martinez: People, it’s 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?
Erin Hannon: Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that’s the end of it. Right, Pete?
Pete Miller: That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from?
Kevin Malone: Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis.
Everyone: (groan)
Erin Hannon: Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. I’m not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force.
Nellie Bertram: I suppose that will-- that will be all right, yeah.
Nellie Bertram: Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You’re welcome, Andy. And you’re welcome, my own ass.
Investor: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me.
Co-worker: Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim?
Jim Halpert: Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he’s gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s--
Jim Halpert: Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he’ll be calling in any second.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something.
Lonnie: Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery.
Darryl Philbin: I don’t do that anymore.
Lonnie: That’s what they told me.
Darryl Philbin: (sighs)
Darryl Philbin: All right, let’s get this over with.
Dwight Schrute: You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! (laughs) Here we go! Yeah!
Dwight Schrute: Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!
Darryl Philbin: How far is this place? (turns off radio)
Dwight Schrute: Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. (throws small ball at Darryl)
Darryl Philbin: Fun.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, thank you. I don’t know, I sort of thought--
Toby Flenderson: (hugging Nellie) So proud of you, Hon.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I don’t know. Okay.
Toby Flenderson: I’m just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin?
Nellie Bertram: Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I-- I just sort of felt I owed him one.
Toby Flenderson: Pete’s a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat.
Nellie Bertram: I didn’t really think about it like that.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have.
Nellie Bertram: “What we have”?
Toby Flenderson: Mm-hmm.
Nellie Bertram: I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Fast food. I’ll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.
Darryl Philbin: They have fast food in Philly.
Dwight Schrute: Not like this.
Darryl Philbin: Exactly like this.
Fast Food Worker: And your milkshake.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: It’s 30 degrees out. You drinkin’ a mildshake?
Dwight Schrute: Nope. (throwing milkshake) Fire in the hole! (laughs) Oh, yeah! Now that’s what working at a paper company’s all about!
Dwight Schrute: Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k-- We have to go.
Darryl Philbin: You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage.
Dwight Schrute: It’s a youtube thing! Let’s go. Let’s go. Come on, they’re coming.
Pam Beesly: Anyone want to see the video from Cece’s recital?
Angela Martin: Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that (picks up piece of paper).
Oscar Martinez: I’ll watch it. Let’s get this over with.
Pam Beesly: All right, you don’t have to.
Kevin Malone: Let’s get this over with, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Oscar Martinez: Oh.
Pam Beesly: Wait. What?
Pam Beesly: (recorded on phone) Excuse me, I have to get back to work.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off.
Oscar Martinez: User error. I’ve heard of that happening to other people.
Angela Martin: Oscar, don’t rub it in. I’m sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.
Pam Beesly: Well, it was an important phone call.
Pam Beesly: I haven’t told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he’s always like, “Beesly!” I love that. Only thing better than getting the job-- “Beesly!” (chuckles)
Pete Miller: Hey.
Erin Hannon: Hello, Peter.
Dwight Schrute: (cleaning up milkshake in restaurant) It barely even feels like a prank anymore.
Darryl Philbin: You missed a spot.
Drive Thru Customer: Fire in the hole! (throwing milkshake) Go! Go! Go! Go! (tires screech)
Dwight Schrute: Ha ha! Yeah, joke’s on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!
Nellie Bertram: I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force.
Erin Hannon: Oh, no, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.
Nellie Bertram: Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it.
Pete Miller: Well, okay, then.
Erin Hannon: I guess we don’t have a choice.
Nellie Bertram: Nope.
Pete Miller: yeah.
Erin Hannon: Yeah.
Toby Flenderson: never stop surprising me.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs)
Darryl Philbin: (clears throat)
Dwight Schrute: What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
Darryl Philbin: No. I was clearing my throat.
Meredith Palmer: Good night.
Pam Beesly: Night
Creed Bratton: Night
Pam Beesly: Night, Creed.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: So, how’s it going?
Jim Halpert: We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It’s like everything I did, he just wouldn’t go for it.
Pam Beesly: I’m so sorry.
Jim Halpert: I have no idea where we’re gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks.
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Oh, I’m sorry. I feel like you’ve already been working insanely hard.
Jim Halpert: Can you figure out how to upload Cece’s dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up.
Pam Beesly: Um, actually, funny story -- I didn’t get it. I shouldn’t have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all.
Jim Halpert: You’re not serious, are you? You didn’t get any of the recital?
Pam Beesly: No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part.
Jim Halpert: Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. I’m sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, great. So we’ll see somebody else’s kid with Cece in the background? I mean, it’s really not that hard to film a video.
Pam Beesly: Is there-- um... you want to ease up a little bit?
Jim Halpert: Look, Pam, I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It’s gone. That moment’s just gone. I missed it.
Pam Beesly: I don’t know, Jim -- maybe you should have been there.
Jim Halpert: You’re not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I’m in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You’ve agreed to this.
Pam Beesly: You know what? I-- I-- I don’t think you want to start a conversation with me about what’s fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever --
Jim Halpert: Pam, I’m not explaining this to you-- Pam, I’m not going over this again.
Co-worker: Jim. We need you.
Jim Halpert: I don’t know how else to tell you, okay? I’m doing everything I can every week to bring home something...
Pam Beesly: I am-- I am-- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want.
Jim Halpert: I’m doing this just for me? Is that what I’m doing? I’m doing it just for me. If that’s what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay?
Pam Beesly: Yep.
Jim Halpert: We’ll talk tomorrow?
Pam Beesly: Yep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Pam Beesly: Bye. (quietly crying, sniffling)
Brian: Hey, you okay?
Pam Beesly: What am I doing wrong, Brian?
Brian: Nothing. You’re doing the best you can.
Cameraman: Brian.
Brian: Give her a minute. Give her a minute.
Pam Beesly: (crying)
Brian: Hey, it’s just a tough situation, all right?
Pam Beesly: It’s getting tougher. I just didn’t know that it was gonna be this hard.
Brian: Yeah. Let’s turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Guy: (on video) Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Darryl Philbin: (watching you tube video, laughing)
Guy: (on video) I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah.
Darryl Philbin: And replay.
Guy: (on video) Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah.
Darryl Philbin: (sighs) I’m gonna miss the paper business.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 9. Customer Loyalty is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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