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Season 9 Episode 13
Junior Salesman

Every line from The Office episode "Junior Salesman", season 9 episode 13.

Pam Beesly: Hey Brian, you got a sec?
Brian: Yeah, hold on a sec.
Pam Beesly: I feel awful.
Brian: It’s fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. (phone rings)
Erin Hannon: (in background) Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.
Pam Beesly: Well, thanks for being a good friend.
Brian: Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, mostly.
Erin Hannon: Pam, phone call.
Pam Beesly: Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa.
Brian: Will do.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Thank you.
Brian: Sure.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: When are you gonna boom me?
Brian: Uh, listen, they’re cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It’s a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna… I, I’ll see you later.
Meredith Palmer: Got it.
Clark Green: Hey, so I hear you’re bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?
Dwight Schrute: That’s right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.
Clark Green: Well, uh… see, you raised it.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.
Dwight Schrute: Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim’s desk while he’s away in Philly. Finally I’ll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It’s like, “Really, Jim? You don’t understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.” Wow.
Clark Green: You know what, man? I deserve this job.
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hmm.
Clark Green: I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond… and under.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? You’re gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you’re going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.
Dwight Schrute: Clark has no chance. I mean, he’s up against my buddy Rolf, for God’s sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor – he’ll make you laugh so hard, you’ll puke your pants.
Clark Green: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.
Dwight Schrute: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
Jim Halpert: You could’ve just called that an alliance too, right?
Dwight Schrute: I chose my words very carefully.
Jim Halpert: Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that’s only gonna make things worse.
Clark Green: (sighs) You interviewing for the sales job too?
Rolf: No. You’re interviewing for it. I’m getting it.
Clark Green: Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I mean, I’ve been working here 12 weeks. That’s a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we’ve seen.
Rolf: I’m Rolf. Rolf Ahl.
Clark Green: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.
Rolf: Go to hell.
Clark Green: There he is.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Come on, buddy. Let’s do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don’t compare. When you’re with the R-O-L-F, you’re literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. (laughs)
Rolf: Nice.
Dwight Schrute: Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.
Pam Beesly: When are you talking to David Wallace?
Jim Halpert: I’m talking to him this afternoon, but don’t get your hopes up.
Pam Beesly: Too late. My hopes are up.
Jim Halpert: Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we’re scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix – me asking the boss of the company I’m abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So… problem solved. Thanks, guys.
Dwight Schrute: And this chair’s gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!
Jim Halpert: I’m on the phone. I’m on the phone.
Dwight Schrute: No doy!
Jim Halpert: I’m just gonna call you back. Thanks.
Rolf: I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don’t do earbuds.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) No earbuds! (both laugh)
Jim Halpert: I’m sure he’s just nervous.
Pam Beesly: (sighs) It’s fine. It’s just a seating arrangement. Doesn’t matter.
Dwight Schrute: So I’ve got your resume here, but it’s not telling me everything.
Rolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you’re qualified to evaluate me?
Dwight Schrute: Well, I’m the one offering the job.
Rolf: What are your credentials?
Dwight Schrute: I’ve worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I’m an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Rolf: I think I’ve heard everything I need to hear.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I’m sure he’d give a reference.
Rolf: Thank you, Dwight. I’ll be in touch.
Dwight Schrute: Well, they can’t all be winners. But Trevor’s next and he’s a real professional. You say, “Jump,” and he says, “Oh who?” He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.
Dwight Schrute: What makes you think you’d be an effective paper salesman?
Trevor: Ooh, okay. Didn’t see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.
Dwight Schrute: Well, it’s a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.
Trevor: Pass. Next one.
Dwight Schrute: All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?
Trevor: No, no and no.
Dwight Schrute: There were only two options.
Trevor: Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?
Dwight Schrute: This is a bus transfer.
Trevor: (chuckles) Nothing gets by this guy.
Clark Green: Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?
Jim Halpert: Sure, yeah, go ahead.
Clark Green: Thanks, dude. You—you sure it’s okay? ‘Cause you’re kinda—
Jim Halpert: Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You’re clean, right?
Clark Green: Oh, Dove Men.
Jim Halpert: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don’t listen to it at all because we’re at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so—
Clark Green: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?
Jim Halpert: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.
Clark Green: Thanks, dude.
Jim Halpert: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.
Clark Green: Why?
Jim Halpert: I need you to breathe in my face right now.
Clark Green: (exhales)
Jim Halpert: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?
Clark Green: Wintergreen.
Jim Halpert: I knew it, I knew it.
Clark Green: Yeah, good nose.
Jim Halpert: I looked at you coming around, and I said, “Wintergreen.”
Dwight Schrute: I can’t hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, here’s one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can’t rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.
Clark Green: That’s just a classic no-win situation.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Clark Green: So I’d Kobayashi Maru it.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it! Perfect answer, again.
Clark Green: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond …
Clark Green: You know what, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: And anoth—
Clark Green: This interview’s over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru’d the whole process.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Clark Green: Yeah. Star Trek rules.
Dwight Schrute: It does, but still no.
Clark Green: Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you think they’re my only friends? I’ve got way more friends than that, and they’re all better than the losers who work here.
Stanley Hudson: This is not natural.
Oscar Martinez: Just – I don’t wanna make assumptions based on people’s physical appearances.
Pam Beesly: Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?
Darryl Philbin: They smell so bad.
Meredith Palmer: If I ever get that bad, you’d tell me, right?
Kevin Malone: Meredith, I tell you all the time.
Meredith Palmer: (chuckles) Walked right into that one.
Dwight Schrute: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He’s got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I’ve got big expectations, Mose-wise.
Dwight Schrute: What quality would make you a good sales associate?
Mose: People person.
Dwight Schrute: It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
Mose: That’s right.
Dwight Schrute: You know we live together, right?
Mose: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: And I’ve never seen you go to work, ever.
Mose: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: So why is this on your resume? (door slams)
Clark Green: So how’d you guys hear about the position?
Gabor: My—my mom.
Nate Nickerson: Dwight called my house, but he didn’t realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can’t stay out of her stuff.
Zeke: Dwight’s my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.
Clark Green: You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
Zeke: Everyone was in the shower. It’s a cow shower, so there’s like, a ton of people in there.
Clark Green: So you guys all know Dwight already?
Melvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.
Gabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Melvina: You went to X-Men school too? (exhales)
Clark Green: X-Men school?
Dwight Schrute: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.
Gabor: Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi’s. A lot of telemarketing.
Angela Martin: I don’t want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Stanley Hudson: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn’t work then. And now look what he’s doing to us.
Nellie Bertram: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Jim Halpert: How is it my fault?
Nellie Bertram: Here’s an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Jim Halpert: But it’s Dwight who’s bring in all the weirdos.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight’s a weirdo. We can’t blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.
Pam Beesly: Hey, I’m the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim’s away. I’m in a position where I’m rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. (sighs) Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.
David Wallace: (on phone) Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input—
Dwight Schrute: (presses speaker button) This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don’t lie. I can tell if you’re lying.
David Wallace: Hey, Dwight. It’s David.
Dwight Schrute: David.
David Wallace: Jim says he’d like some say in the hiring process.
Dwight Schrute: Really? That’s interesting. ‘Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who’s here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.
Jim Halpert: I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife—
David Wallace: Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Um…
David Wallace: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I can’t say that that’s not fair.
Dwight Schrute: Sounds fair to me, David.
David Wallace: And I know we have a call scheduled for later –
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah, so we’ll just do that later.
Dwight Schrute: No. Why not do it now?
David Wallace: Yeah. What’s up Jim?
Jim Halpert: Uh… (clears throat) Well, it’s about Athlead. I’m sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?
Dwight Schrute: I’d love to be in the loop, David.
David Wallace: It’s okay. Go ahead, Jim.
Jim Halpert: There’s a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor –
David Wallace: Okay. Jim, I’m gonna have to stop you right there.
Jim Halpert: Yes, okay. Bye.
Dwight Schrute: (whispers) I’d love to invest.
Jim Halpert: No, thanks.
Dwight Schrute: I’d like to give you $100 million. (snickers) (phone ringing)
Hide: Why you make trees into bushes? You don’t make paper from bushes.
Pam Beesly: Hide, they’re giving out jobs upstairs. Why don’t you go up and get one?
Hide: Thank you.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Troy: Whoops.
Zeke: (patting Darryl’s hair) It’s dense. Like bread.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you can’t just hire someone ‘cause they’re your friend.
Dwight Schrute: I’m not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
Nellie Bertram: They’re freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.
Dwight Schrute: You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Darryl Philbin: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.
Wolf: Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.
Dwight Schrute: Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.
Wolf: Do you want this paper?
Dwight Schrute: I sure do.
Wolf: It’s not very good.
Dwight Schrute: I will pay you whatever it takes.
Wolf: I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.
Dwight Schrute: No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.
Wolf: Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It’s over.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You’re still at the 570 number?
Wolf: I am.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Good, good, good. (sighs)
Hide: I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.
Dwight Schrute: This isn’t gonna work out.
Hide: Thank you. (chuckles)
Dwight Schrute: Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He’s a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I’m hesitant. Why can’t I pull the trigger on any of them?
Dwight Schrute: (groaning) No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. (knock at door)
Melvina: Do you need to be changed?
Dwight Schrute: I do that myself now.
Melvina: Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I’ve been double-parked for five hours. I’m wondering if I should move my car.
Dwight Schrute: No, you’ve been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.
Melvina: Well, the joke’s on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.
Trevor: Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we’re still gonna be your friend.
Wolf: Yeah, whether it’s me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina—
Dwight Schrute: Or none of you (chuckles)
Wolf: Yeah, you’d bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us.
Trevor: Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.
Dwight Schrute: I wish I could hire all of you.
Zeke: I could start Monday.
Dwight Schrute: Psst. Jim Jim? (whispering) Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around.
Jim Halpert: Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I’m not looking south, I’m not livin’. That’s what I always say.
Dwight Schrute: Just act natural. (grunts)
Dwight Schrute: And I was thinking it’s only fair that you help make this decision since they’ll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Jim Halpert: But you know I wouldn’t hire any of these all-stars.
Dwight Schrute: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it’s your call.
Jim Halpert: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?
Dwight Schrute: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn’t picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Jim Halpert: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight Schrute: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.
Jim Halpert: Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Thank you. Amazed.
Jim Halpert: And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you.
Sensei Ira: I’m sorry?
Dwight Schrute: What? This is such bullcrap!
Jim Halpert: Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say.
Dwight Schrute: Wow. So much crap. It’s just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?
Jim Halpert: Too much now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Nate Nickerson: Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert’s home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.
Jim Halpert: That seems inconsiderate.
Rolf: No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don’t open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe.
Dwight Schrute: Guys, it wasn’t up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn’t my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor.
Trevor: Well, my day’s shot.
Rolf: Yeah, it’s that weird hour where it’s too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson’s.
Wolf: I got it. Paintball.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?
Trevor: (yelling) And what are we supposed to do until then?
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Wolf: Let’s just go, you guys.
Rolf: Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?
Jim Halpert: All right. I think that went well.
Jim Halpert: So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that’ll print out—Hey. Meet your new desk mate.
Clark Green: What’s up good lookin’?
Pam Beesly: Oh, cool. Hey Clark.
Jim Halpert: Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I’m really sorry I told the guys I’d be there for the board meeting.
Pam Beesly: Of course.
Jim Halpert: I’ll call you when I get there.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Pam Beesly: Bye.
Jim Halpert: Take care of my wife. I will be back.
Dwight Schrute: They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.
Clark Green: Hey, Pam, I’m going to the kitchen. You want anything?
Pam Beesly: I’m good.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, hey, I’ll take a coffee.
Clark Green: Oh, I’m sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs)
Pam Beesly: Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?
Dwight Schrute: Who, me?
Pam Beesly: Us.
Dwight Schrute: Absolutely, I do. (giggles)
Pam Beesly: Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I’ll distract him, you take that.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that’s great.
Pam Beesly: (shushes)
Pam & Dwight: (laughs)
Dwight Schrute: Aah!
Clark Green: No!
Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the club, pig! (laughs)
Pam Beesly: No, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Aah!
Jim Halpert: No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I’m gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 13 season 9. Junior Salesman is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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