Junior Salesman

Vol. 9 · Issue 13The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Here's the full breakdown of Dwight’s attempt to fill Jim's seat with his band of weirdos. Every line from the episode is laid out so you can check out the awkward interviews with Rolf, Trevor, and the rest of the gang. It's the best way to see how Clark eventually landed the job despite Dwight's best efforts to hire someone with night hearing.

Scene 01

18 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey Brian, you got a sec?

Brian

Yeah, hold on a sec.

Pam Beesly

I feel awful.

Brian

It’s fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. (phone rings)

Erin Hannon

(in background) Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.

Pam Beesly

Well, thanks for being a good friend.

Brian

Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?

Pam Beesly

Yeah, mostly.

Erin Hannon

Pam, phone call.

Pam Beesly

Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa.

Brian

Will do.

Pam Beesly

Okay. Thank you.

Brian

Sure.

Meredith Palmer

Hey, boom guy.

Brian

Oh, hey Meredith.

Meredith Palmer

When are you gonna boom me?

Brian

Uh, listen, they’re cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It’s a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna… I, I’ll see you later.

Meredith Palmer

Got it.

Scene 02

4 lines

Clark Green

Hey, so I hear you’re bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?

Dwight Schrute

That’s right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.

Clark Green

Well, uh… see, you raised it.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.

Scene 03

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim’s desk while he’s away in Philly. Finally I’ll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It’s like, “Really, Jim? You don’t understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.” Wow.

Scene 04

4 lines

Clark Green

You know what, man? I deserve this job.

Dwight Schrute

Mm-hmm.

Clark Green

I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond… and under.

Dwight Schrute

You know what? You’re gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you’re going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.

Scene 05

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Clark has no chance. I mean, he’s up against my buddy Rolf, for God’s sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor – he’ll make you laugh so hard, you’ll puke your pants.

Scene 06

I’m just gonna call you back. Thanks.

Rolf

I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don’t do earbuds.

Dwight Schrute

(laughs) No earbuds! (both laugh)

Jim Halpert

I’m sure he’s just nervous.

Pam Beesly

(sighs) It’s fine. It’s just a seating arrangement. Doesn’t matter.

Scene 14

8 lines

Dwight Schrute

So I’ve got your resume here, but it’s not telling me everything.

Rolf

Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you’re qualified to evaluate me?

Dwight Schrute

Well, I’m the one offering the job.

Rolf

What are your credentials?

Dwight Schrute

I’ve worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I’m an Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Rolf

I think I’ve heard everything I need to hear.

Dwight Schrute

Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I’m sure he’d give a reference.

Rolf

Thank you, Dwight. I’ll be in touch.

Scene 15

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Well, they can’t all be winners. But Trevor’s next and he’s a real professional. You say, “Jump,” and he says, “Oh who?” He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

Scene 16

10 lines

Dwight Schrute

What makes you think you’d be an effective paper salesman?

Trevor

Ooh, okay. Didn’t see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.

Dwight Schrute

Well, it’s a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.

Trevor

Pass. Next one.

Dwight Schrute

All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?

Trevor

No, no and no.

Dwight Schrute

There were only two options.

Trevor

Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?

Dwight Schrute

This is a bus transfer.

Trevor

(chuckles) Nothing gets by this guy.

Scene 17

18 lines

Clark Green

Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?

Jim Halpert

Sure, yeah, go ahead.

Clark Green

Thanks, dude. You—you sure it’s okay? ‘Cause you’re kinda—

Jim Halpert

Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You’re clean, right?

Clark Green

Oh, Dove Men.

Jim Halpert

Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don’t listen to it at all because we’re at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so—

Clark Green

Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?

Jim Halpert

Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.

Clark Green

Thanks, dude.

Jim Halpert

Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.

Clark Green

Why?

Jim Halpert

I need you to breathe in my face right now.

Clark Green

(exhales)

Jim Halpert

What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?

Clark Green

Wintergreen.

Jim Halpert

I knew it, I knew it.

Clark Green

Yeah, good nose.

Jim Halpert

I looked at you coming around, and I said, “Wintergreen.”

Scene 18

1 line

Dwight Schrute

I can’t hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.

Scene 19

15 lines

Dwight Schrute

Okay, here’s one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can’t rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.

Clark Green

That’s just a classic no-win situation.

Dwight Schrute

Thank you.

Clark Green

So I’d Kobayashi Maru it.

Dwight Schrute

Damn it! Perfect answer, again.

Clark Green

Yep.

Dwight Schrute

Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond …

Clark Green

You know what, Dwight?

Dwight Schrute

And anoth—

Clark Green

This interview’s over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru’d the whole process.

Dwight Schrute

No.

Clark Green

Yeah. Star Trek rules.

Dwight Schrute

It does, but still no.

Clark Green

Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?

Dwight Schrute

Oh, you think they’re my only friends? I’ve got way more friends than that, and they’re all better than the losers who work here.

Scene 20

1 line

Stanley Hudson

This is not natural.

Scene 21

6 lines

Oscar Martinez

Just – I don’t wanna make assumptions based on people’s physical appearances.

Pam Beesly

Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?

Darryl Philbin

They smell so bad.

Meredith Palmer

If I ever get that bad, you’d tell me, right?

Kevin Malone

Meredith, I tell you all the time.

Meredith Palmer

(chuckles) Walked right into that one.

Scene 22

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He’s got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I’ve got big expectations, Mose-wise.

Scene 23

9 lines

Dwight Schrute

What quality would make you a good sales associate?

Mose

People person.

Dwight Schrute

It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.

Mose

That’s right.

Dwight Schrute

You know we live together, right?

Mose

Yes.

Dwight Schrute

And I’ve never seen you go to work, ever.

Mose

Okay.

Dwight Schrute

So why is this on your resume? (door slams)

Scene 24

11 lines

Clark Green

So how’d you guys hear about the position?

Gabor

My—my mom.

Nate Nickerson

Dwight called my house, but he didn’t realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can’t stay out of her stuff.

Zeke

Dwight’s my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.

Clark Green

You were in the shower or he was in the shower?

Zeke

Everyone was in the shower. It’s a cow shower, so there’s like, a ton of people in there.

Clark Green

So you guys all know Dwight already?

Melvina

I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.

Gabor

I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.

Melvina

You went to X-Men school too? (exhales)

Clark Green

X-Men school?

Scene 25

1 line

Dwight Schrute

When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.

Scene 26

1 line

Gabor

Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi’s. A lot of telemarketing.

Scene 27

8 lines

Angela Martin

I don’t want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.

Stanley Hudson

I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn’t work then. And now look what he’s doing to us.

Nellie Bertram

Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.

Jim Halpert

How is it my fault?

Nellie Bertram

Here’s an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.

Jim Halpert

But it’s Dwight who’s bring in all the weirdos.

Oscar Martinez

Yeah, but Jim, Dwight’s a weirdo. We can’t blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.

Pam Beesly

Hey, I’m the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim’s away. I’m in a position where I’m rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. (sighs) Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.

Scene 28

26 lines

David Wallace

(on phone) Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later.

Jim Halpert

Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input—

Dwight Schrute

(presses speaker button) This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don’t lie. I can tell if you’re lying.

David Wallace

Hey, Dwight. It’s David.

Dwight Schrute

David.

David Wallace

Jim says he’d like some say in the hiring process.

Dwight Schrute

Really? That’s interesting. ‘Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who’s here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.

Jim Halpert

I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife—

David Wallace

Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work.

Jim Halpert

Oh. Um…

David Wallace

Yeah.

Jim Halpert

Okay. I can’t say that that’s not fair.

Dwight Schrute

Sounds fair to me, David.

David Wallace

And I know we have a call scheduled for later –

Jim Halpert

Oh, yeah, so we’ll just do that later.

Dwight Schrute

No. Why not do it now?

David Wallace

Yeah. What’s up Jim?

Jim Halpert

Uh… (clears throat) Well, it’s about Athlead. I’m sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?

Dwight Schrute

I’d love to be in the loop, David.

David Wallace

It’s okay. Go ahead, Jim.

Jim Halpert

There’s a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor –

David Wallace

Okay. Jim, I’m gonna have to stop you right there.

Jim Halpert

Yes, okay. Bye.

Dwight Schrute

(whispers) I’d love to invest.

Jim Halpert

No, thanks.

Dwight Schrute

I’d like to give you $100 million. (snickers) (phone ringing)

Scene 29

4 lines

Hide

Why you make trees into bushes? You don’t make paper from bushes.

Pam Beesly

Hide, they’re giving out jobs upstairs. Why don’t you go up and get one?

Hide

Thank you.

Pam Beesly

Yeah.

Scene 30

1 line

Troy

Whoops.

Scene 31

1 line

Zeke

(patting Darryl’s hair) It’s dense. Like bread.

Scene 32

5 lines

Jim Halpert

Dwight, you can’t just hire someone ‘cause they’re your friend.

Dwight Schrute

I’m not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.

Nellie Bertram

They’re freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.

Dwight Schrute

You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.

Darryl Philbin

Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.

Scene 33

2 lines

Wolf

Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch.

Dwight Schrute

Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.

Scene 34

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of ‘em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.

Scene 35

11 lines

Dwight Schrute

Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.

Wolf

Do you want this paper?

Dwight Schrute

I sure do.

Wolf

It’s not very good.

Dwight Schrute

I will pay you whatever it takes.

Wolf

I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.

Dwight Schrute

No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.

Wolf

Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It’s over.

Dwight Schrute

Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You’re still at the 570 number?

Wolf

I am.

Dwight Schrute

Okay. Good, good, good. (sighs)

Scene 36

3 lines

Hide

I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.

Dwight Schrute

This isn’t gonna work out.

Hide

Thank you. (chuckles)

Scene 37

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He’s a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I’m hesitant. Why can’t I pull the trigger on any of them?

Scene 38

4 lines

Dwight Schrute

(groaning) No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. (knock at door)

Melvina

Do you need to be changed?

Dwight Schrute

I do that myself now.

Melvina

Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I’ve been double-parked for five hours. I’m wondering if I should move my car.

Scene 39

9 lines

Dwight Schrute

No, you’ve been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.

Melvina

Well, the joke’s on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.

Trevor

Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we’re still gonna be your friend.

Wolf

Yeah, whether it’s me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina—

Dwight Schrute

Or none of you (chuckles)

Wolf

Yeah, you’d bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us.

Trevor

Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.

Dwight Schrute

I wish I could hire all of you.

Zeke

I could start Monday.

Scene 40

3 lines

Dwight Schrute

Psst. Jim Jim? (whispering) Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around.

Jim Halpert

Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I’m not looking south, I’m not livin’. That’s what I always say.

Dwight Schrute

Just act natural. (grunts)

Scene 41

6 lines

Dwight Schrute

And I was thinking it’s only fair that you help make this decision since they’ll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.

Jim Halpert

But you know I wouldn’t hire any of these all-stars.

Dwight Schrute

Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it’s your call.

Jim Halpert

Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?

Dwight Schrute

I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn’t picture any of them in the old gold and gray.

Jim Halpert

I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.

Scene 42

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.

Scene 43

23 lines

Jim Halpert

Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?

Dwight Schrute

Yes. Thank you. Amazed.

Jim Halpert

And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you.

Sensei Ira

I’m sorry?

Dwight Schrute

What? This is such bullcrap!

Jim Halpert

Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say.

Dwight Schrute

Wow. So much crap. It’s just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?

Jim Halpert

Too much now.

Dwight Schrute

Okay.

Nate Nickerson

Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep.

Dwight Schrute

Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert’s home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.

Jim Halpert

That seems inconsiderate.

Rolf

No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don’t open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe.

Dwight Schrute

Guys, it wasn’t up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn’t my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor.

Trevor

Well, my day’s shot.

Rolf

Yeah, it’s that weird hour where it’s too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson’s.

Wolf

I got it. Paintball.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?

Trevor

(yelling) And what are we supposed to do until then?

Dwight Schrute

Okay.

Wolf

Let’s just go, you guys.

Rolf

Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?

Jim Halpert

All right. I think that went well.

Scene 44

12 lines

Jim Halpert

So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that’ll print out—Hey. Meet your new desk mate.

Clark Green

What’s up good lookin’?

Pam Beesly

Oh, cool. Hey Clark.

Jim Halpert

Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering.

Pam Beesly

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate.

Jim Halpert

Okay. I’m really sorry I told the guys I’d be there for the board meeting.

Pam Beesly

Of course.

Jim Halpert

I’ll call you when I get there.

Pam Beesly

Okay.

Jim Halpert

All right.

Pam Beesly

Bye.

Jim Halpert

Take care of my wife. I will be back.

Scene 45

1 line

Dwight Schrute

They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.

Scene 46

18 lines

Clark Green

Hey, Pam, I’m going to the kitchen. You want anything?

Pam Beesly

I’m good.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, hey, I’ll take a coffee.

Clark Green

Oh, I’m sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.

Dwight Schrute

(scoffs)

Pam Beesly

Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?

Dwight Schrute

Who, me?

Pam Beesly

Us.

Dwight Schrute

Absolutely, I do. (giggles)

Pam Beesly

Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I’ll distract him, you take that.

Dwight Schrute

Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that’s great.

Pam Beesly

(shushes)

Pam & Dwight

(laughs)

Dwight Schrute

Aah!

Clark Green

No!

Dwight Schrute

Welcome to the club, pig! (laughs)

Pam Beesly

No, Dwight!

Dwight Schrute

Aah!

Scene 47

1 line

Jim Halpert

No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I’m gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.