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Season 9 Episode 14

Every line from The Office episode "Vandalism", season 9 episode 14.

Nellie Bertram: Have you seen Darryl?
Erin Hannon: He's around here somewhere.
Nellie Bertram: Mmm. (exits, Erin smiles deviously)
Erin Hannon: Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. (checks for anyone around) Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.
Erin Hannon: Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun.
Erin Hannon: (as Darryl descends stairs, Erin ascends carrying a giant teddy bear) Darryl. Meet... bear... ull.
Darryl Philbin: How much did you pay for that?
Erin Hannon: Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe.
Darryl Philbin: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.
Erin Hannon: (exiting Darryl's office) Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much! (to Phyllis) That guy's hilarious. He's here today. (giant teddy bear is viewed in Darryl's office)
Pam Beesly: I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um, it's really coming together... (sees mural) Oh my god! (camera pans to mural with butts painted over it) Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What it... are those... are those butts? (to warehouse crew) Huh? No way. No way!
Angela Martin: Excuse me, everyone. Is it OK if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house.
Erin Hannon: Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids.
Angela Martin: No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors.
Kevin Malone: Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... (pulls cash from wallet) 8 dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation...
Angela Martin: No, no, please. You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about.
Oscar Martinez: (undertone) Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too.
Angela Martin: What?
Oscar Martinez: He said he wanted me there for support.
Angela Martin: I'm his! His... wife.
Oscar Martinez: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. (laughs) Me.
Angela Martin: (on phone with Robert) We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too.
Jim Halpert: (in Darryl and Jim's Philly apartment) Hey.
Darryl Philbin: Hey.
Jim Halpert: We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.
Darryl Philbin: Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.
Jim Halpert: And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down.
Darryl Philbin: Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.
Jim Halpert: I'm couching it!
Darryl Philbin: Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room.
Jim Halpert: And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?
Darryl Philbin: I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to (quote-unquote fingers) soak... He hooked me up with a job.
Pam Beesly: (ascends on lift, using megaphone) Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. (no one replies) Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? (descends on lift) Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.
Pam Beesly: I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. (boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles) I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.
Jim Halpert: Hey. So, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients.
Darryl Philbin: Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first.
Jim Halpert: (to camera) Who is this guy? We are killing it.
Darryl Philbin: Yes sir. (notices Jim's using his coffee mug)
Jim Halpert: Yeah!
Pam Beesly: (entering office) Conference room. Everybody. Now!
Dwight Schrute: You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.
Pam Beesly: Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.
Dwight Schrute: You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!
Pam Beesly: (to everyone in conference room) I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Erin Hannon: I thought that's what you were doing.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but this is different.
Erin Hannon: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam Beesly: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin Hannon: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam Beesly: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... OK, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.
Creed Bratton: Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, what can be done?
Pam Beesly: Yes. Thank you. Let's answer that question.
Oscar Martinez: I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.
Pam Beesly: What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing.
Phyllis Vance: David Wallace called this meeting?
Pam Beesly: Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently, he is very passionate about public art.
Pam Beesly: (as everyone begin to leave) No, no. Come on, guys. Don't go.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, I'll help you.
Pam Beesly: You will?
Dwight Schrute: If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Nellie Bertram: I am in too, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Yeah?
Nellie Bertram: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored.
Pam Beesly: Great.
Pam Beesly: I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.
Dwight Schrute: (enters quickly) You need my pitchfork?
Angela Martin: (approaches Dwight as he leaves) Hey!
Dwight Schrute: What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Angela Martin: Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, I'm not interested.
Angela Martin: What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people.
Dwight Schrute: If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. (exits)
Kevin Malone: Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you?
Angela Martin: No.
Kevin Malone: OK. I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money.
Angela Martin: Aw, crap.
Dwight Schrute: (in warehouse) I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own.
Frank: You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. (gestures mural)
Dwight Schrute: Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.
Glenn: I'm not drawing a butt.
Nellie Bertram: All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.
Val: OK, OK. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go.
Dwight Schrute: Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts...
Nellie Bertram: Well, this is getting us nowhere.
Pam Beesly: We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. (they notice Nate struggling with a box) Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.
Dwight Schrute: We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. (holds up phone) Nate. Your mother is dying. (Nate reacts with grief)
Pam Beesly: See, I feel bad about that.
Dwight Schrute: It's all right. It's all right.
Nate Nickerson: So, she's gonna pull through again? (all nod) That's great. Can I talk to her?
Dwight Schrute: No. She needs her rest again.
Nellie Bertram: Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business.
Dwight Schrute: You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum.
Nate Nickerson: Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt...
Pam Beesly: (interrupting) Tell us who defaced the mural!
Nate Nickerson: (points at Warehouse Worker Frank) He did it.
Pam Beesly: All right. You can go. Give him his gum.
Dwight Schrute: There's no gum. There never was any gum.
Nate Nickerson: (leaving) That's really rude.
Kevin Malone: (at Phillip's party) Opening with pub pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.
Oscar Martinez: (noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall) That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?
Party Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. (guests applaud)
The Senator: Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular.
Angela Martin: (laughs) Oh, Robert, you're horrible. (to other guests) Simon, Maxine. (sarcastically) Who let you guys in here?
Athlead Employee: (points to Jim and Darryl) This is the team.
Jim Halpert: Nice job, man.
Darryl Philbin: You too... Darryl.
Jim Halpert: (confused) What? (Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using) Oh, man! I'm sorry about that.
Darryl Philbin: It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.
Jim Halpert: Oh, um... Are you really mad about this?
Darryl Philbin: That's my go-to thermos. That's all.
Jim Halpert: Oh. It's your go-to therm. Oh, man. That's a bummer. I'm sorry about that.
Darryl Philbin: No big deal. No big deal.
Jim Halpert: No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal.
Darryl Philbin: Nah, nah...
Jim Halpert: No big deal.
Darryl Philbin: (as Jim empties thermos into trash) Nah, nah, nah. You don't have to do that.
Jim Halpert: Honestly, I don't mind. (long, awkward pause until thermos is empty) Did you want me to wash it for you or...
Darryl Philbin: I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak?
Jim Halpert: (after tense pause) OK. Here ya go. (roughly hands Darryl his thermos)
Darryl Philbin: Thank you.
Nellie Bertram: So, Frank. Do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you?
Pam Beesly: (to Nellie) Maybe, maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. (Nellie nods) Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So. Truly. If, if, I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn.
Toby Flenderson: (Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent, picks ear) You sort of deserve an apology here. Frank?
Frank: I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny.
Pam Beesly: Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.
Frank: Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.
Pam Beesly: What was that?
Frank: You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. (exits)
Pam Beesly: Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that?
Toby Flenderson: Uh... it... compliment...
Nellie Bertram: The first 'sorry' sounded sincere.
Toby Flenderson: There were two or three 'sorry's in there. (mumbles along with Nellie)
Pam Beesly: That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.
Pam Beesly: We should just take him down.
Dwight Schrute: Wait. Are you saying...
Pam Beesly: I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.
Dwight Schrute: Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.
Dwight Schrute: He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him.
Pam Beesly: Yes!
Dwight Schrute: A little eye for an eye action.
Pam Beesly: Yes!
Dwight Schrute: Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
Pam Beesly: We need an infiltrator.
Dwight Schrute: I know just the man for the job. (looks at Clark)
Pam Beesly: Clark?
Dwight Schrute: He even looks like a mole.
Oscar Martinez: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
Party Guest: You two seem very close.
The Senator: Yes. We're good friends. Good friends.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah.
The Senator: You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned it's back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. (puts arms around Oscar) I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. (guests laugh) Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. (slaps Oscar's cheek) My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. (guests applaud as he hugs Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Darryl Philbin: I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Totally.
Darryl Philbin: All right.
Jim Halpert: (after Darryl eyes him drinking from a thermos) It's mine. Don't worry.
Darryl Philbin: I didn't say anything.
Jim Halpert: I don't think you had to.
Darryl Philbin: Excuse me?
Jim Halpert: I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that?
Darryl Philbin: What you need flour for, Jim?
Jim Halpert: That's not the point.
Darryl Philbin: What? You making bread?
Jim Halpert: No, I'm not making bread.
Darryl Philbin: What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?
Jim Halpert: Darryl, it doesn’t matter. I think you know the point I'm trying to make.
Darryl Philbin: All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all.
Jim Halpert: It's all good. Are we all good?
Darryl Philbin: We good.
Jim Halpert: What's that cooler?
Darryl Philbin: Nothing. (pulls out a can of soda) It's mine. (Jim shakes his head) (after looking through DVR) What happened to my Tavis Smileys?
Jim Halpert: Oh, crap. Were those yours?
Dwight Schrute: (pulling Clark across the parking lot) I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Clark Green: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys.
Dwight Schrute: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.
Clark Green: OK, boss. (quietly) Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this.
Pam Beesly: Shh, shh.
Clark Green: This is never gonna work.
Pam Beesly: Shh. Remember your lines.
Clark Green: What lines?
Dwight Schrute: Go move some paper!
Pam Beesly: (to Darryl on phone) Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse?
Darryl Philbin: He's not my hire, but I know who he is.
Pam Beesly: OK. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or...
Darryl Philbin: What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, something like that.
Darryl Philbin: I know he loves his pick up truck.
Pam Beesly: Oh, great! (to Dwight) His truck!
Dwight Schrute: Great. Get the plate number.
Pam Beesly: OK. (to Darryl) Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that?
Dwight Schrute: So we know which truck to van...
Darryl Philbin: Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. (to Dwight) Come on. (camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair)
Party Photographer: Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar? I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the senator, as well. Somewhere there.
Angela Martin: He's blocking me.
The Senator: It's only a photo, honey.
Party Photographer: (to party waiter) Excuse me, uh, what's your name?
Party Waiter: Sean.
Party Photographer: LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. (notices overweight man following) Not you. No.
Oscar Martinez: He put me here.
Angela Martin: He put you right in front of me?
Party Photographer: Let's just wheel Margaret right in front...
Oscar Martinez: Ow! Robert?!
The Senator: Angela.
Party Photographer: Smile. (Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken)
Pam Beesly: I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.
Pam Beesly: Aw, Dwight. That's really sweet.
Dwight Schrute: Let's see yours.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no. Um, I, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.
Dwight Schrute: This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.
Dwight Schrute: I saw that. That's great!
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I feel better.
Dwight Schrute: Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.
Pam Beesly: I know. You miss Angela, don't you?
Dwight Schrute: Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.
Pam Beesly: I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But, I think the lesson will last a very...
Frank: (exiting building and approaching Pam) Lady! My truck? You had no right!
Pam Beesly: No, you had no right!
Frank: It's a $40,000 truck!
Pam Beesly: So? You started it!
Frank: So? So someone need to shut you up! (attempts to attack Pam)
Brian: Hey, hey, hey! (knocks Frank down with boom microphone)
Pam Beesly: Whoa.
Brian: (as Frank gets up) Easy! (Frank grabs him)
Frank: You son of a bitch!
Brian: You're gonna hit a woman?
The Senator: Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. (to Oscar and Angela) Well. Have we all calmed down yet?
Oscar Martinez: Yes. Sorry about that.
Angela Martin: It was all my fault.
The Senator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck.
The Senator: I beg your pardon.
Kevin Malone: You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. (Oscar and Angela exit looking pleased)
Pam Beesly: Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers.
Brian: No. No, it's...
Pam Beesly: You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me.
Brian: It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that.
Pam Beesly: Forget about my mural. It's stupid.
Brian: No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too.
Pam Beesly: It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry.
Brian: Look. I don't, I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me. And I'll be there for you.
Pam Beesly: Thanks, Brian.
Brian: Seeya.
Jim Halpert: Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'.
Darryl Philbin: (playing video game with Jim) Oh. Come on!
Jim Halpert: Oh. Oh!
Darryl Philbin: Damn!
Jim Halpert: (imitating game announcer) You win. (Darryl throws empty can on floor) How good did that feel?
Darryl Philbin: That felt really good, actually.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 9. Vandalism is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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