Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Vandalism

Vol. 9 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Things get messy when someone defaces Pam's warehouse mural with a few unsanctioned butts. Watching Pam team up with Dwight and Nellie for some 'eye for an eye' justice is a classic moment. You can find every single line from the episode right here, from the roommate drama in Philly to the Senator's awkward photo ops.

Scene 01

3 lines
Nellie Bertram
Have you seen Darryl?
Erin Hannon
He's around here somewhere.
Nellie Bertram
Mmm. (exits, Erin smiles deviously)

Scene 02

1 line
Erin Hannon
Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. (checks for anyone around) Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.

Scene 03

1 line
Erin Hannon
Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun.

Scene 04

3 lines
Erin Hannon
(as Darryl descends stairs, Erin ascends carrying a giant teddy bear) Darryl. Meet... bear... ull.
Darryl Philbin
How much did you pay for that?
Erin Hannon
Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe.

Scene 05

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.

Scene 06

1 line
Erin Hannon
(exiting Darryl's office) Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much! (to Phyllis) That guy's hilarious. He's here today. (giant teddy bear is viewed in Darryl's office)

Scene 07

1 line
Pam Beesly
I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um, it's really coming together... (sees mural) Oh my god! (camera pans to mural with butts painted over it) Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What it... are those... are those butts? (to warehouse crew) Huh? No way. No way!

Scene 08

9 lines
Angela Martin
Excuse me, everyone. Is it OK if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house.
Erin Hannon
Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids.
Angela Martin
No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors.
Kevin Malone
Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... (pulls cash from wallet) 8 dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation...
Angela Martin
No, no, please. You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about.
Oscar Martinez
(undertone) Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too.
Angela Martin
What?
Oscar Martinez
He said he wanted me there for support.
Angela Martin
I'm his! His... wife.

Scene 09

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. (laughs) Me.

Scene 10

1 line
Angela Martin
(on phone with Robert) We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too.

Scene 11

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(in Darryl and Jim's Philly apartment) Hey.
Darryl Philbin
Hey.

Scene 12

8 lines
Jim Halpert
We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.
Darryl Philbin
Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.
Jim Halpert
And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down.
Darryl Philbin
Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.
Jim Halpert
I'm couching it!
Darryl Philbin
Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room.
Jim Halpert
And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?
Darryl Philbin
I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to (quote-unquote fingers) soak... He hooked me up with a job.

Scene 13

1 line
Pam Beesly
(ascends on lift, using megaphone) Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. (no one replies) Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? (descends on lift) Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.

Scene 14

1 line
Pam Beesly
I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. (boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles) I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.

Scene 15

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey. So, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients.
Darryl Philbin
Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first.
Jim Halpert
(to camera) Who is this guy? We are killing it.
Darryl Philbin
Yes sir. (notices Jim's using his coffee mug)
Jim Halpert
Yeah!

Scene 16

30 lines
Pam Beesly
(entering office) Conference room. Everybody. Now!
Dwight Schrute
You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.
Pam Beesly
Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.
Dwight Schrute
You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!
Pam Beesly
(to everyone in conference room) I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Erin Hannon
I thought that's what you were doing.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, but this is different.
Erin Hannon
Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam Beesly
I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin Hannon
I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam Beesly
Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... OK, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.
Creed Bratton
Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, what can be done?
Pam Beesly
Yes. Thank you. Let's answer that question.
Oscar Martinez
I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.
Pam Beesly
What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing.
Phyllis Vance
David Wallace called this meeting?
Pam Beesly
Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently, he is very passionate about public art.
Pam Beesly
(as everyone begin to leave) No, no. Come on, guys. Don't go.
Dwight Schrute
Pam, I'll help you.
Pam Beesly
You will?
Dwight Schrute
If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Nellie Bertram
I am in too, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Nellie Bertram
Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored.
Pam Beesly
Great.

Scene 17

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.
Dwight Schrute
(enters quickly) You need my pitchfork?

Scene 18

10 lines
Angela Martin
(approaches Dwight as he leaves) Hey!
Dwight Schrute
What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Angela Martin
Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you.
Dwight Schrute
Ah, I'm not interested.
Angela Martin
What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people.
Dwight Schrute
If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. (exits)
Kevin Malone
Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you?
Angela Martin
No.
Kevin Malone
OK. I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money.
Angela Martin
Aw, crap.

Scene 19

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in warehouse) I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own.
Frank
You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. (gestures mural)
Dwight Schrute
Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.
Glenn
I'm not drawing a butt.
Nellie Bertram
All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.
Val
OK, OK. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go.
Dwight Schrute
Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts...
Nellie Bertram
Well, this is getting us nowhere.
Pam Beesly
We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. (they notice Nate struggling with a box) Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.
Dwight Schrute
We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. (holds up phone) Nate. Your mother is dying. (Nate reacts with grief)
Pam Beesly
See, I feel bad about that.
Dwight Schrute
It's all right. It's all right.

Scene 20

10 lines
Nate Nickerson
So, she's gonna pull through again? (all nod) That's great. Can I talk to her?
Dwight Schrute
No. She needs her rest again.
Nellie Bertram
Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business.
Dwight Schrute
You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum.
Nate Nickerson
Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt...
Pam Beesly
(interrupting) Tell us who defaced the mural!
Nate Nickerson
(points at Warehouse Worker Frank) He did it.
Pam Beesly
All right. You can go. Give him his gum.
Dwight Schrute
There's no gum. There never was any gum.
Nate Nickerson
(leaving) That's really rude.

Scene 21

5 lines
Kevin Malone
(at Phillip's party) Opening with pub pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.
Oscar Martinez
(noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall) That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?
Party Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. (guests applaud)
The Senator
Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular.
Angela Martin
(laughs) Oh, Robert, you're horrible. (to other guests) Simon, Maxine. (sarcastically) Who let you guys in here?

Scene 22

17 lines
Athlead Employee
(points to Jim and Darryl) This is the team.
Jim Halpert
Nice job, man.
Darryl Philbin
You too... Darryl.
Jim Halpert
(confused) What? (Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using) Oh, man! I'm sorry about that.
Darryl Philbin
It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.
Jim Halpert
Oh, um... Are you really mad about this?
Darryl Philbin
That's my go-to thermos. That's all.
Jim Halpert
Oh. It's your go-to therm. Oh, man. That's a bummer. I'm sorry about that.
Darryl Philbin
No big deal. No big deal.
Jim Halpert
No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal.
Darryl Philbin
Nah, nah...
Jim Halpert
No big deal.
Darryl Philbin
(as Jim empties thermos into trash) Nah, nah, nah. You don't have to do that.
Jim Halpert
Honestly, I don't mind. (long, awkward pause until thermos is empty) Did you want me to wash it for you or...
Darryl Philbin
I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak?
Jim Halpert
(after tense pause) OK. Here ya go. (roughly hands Darryl his thermos)
Darryl Philbin
Thank you.

Scene 23

12 lines
Nellie Bertram
So, Frank. Do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you?
Pam Beesly
(to Nellie) Maybe, maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. (Nellie nods) Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So. Truly. If, if, I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn.
Toby Flenderson
(Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent, picks ear) You sort of deserve an apology here. Frank?
Frank
I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny.
Pam Beesly
Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.
Frank
Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.
Pam Beesly
What was that?
Frank
You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. (exits)
Pam Beesly
Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that?
Toby Flenderson
Uh... it... compliment...
Nellie Bertram
The first 'sorry' sounded sincere.
Toby Flenderson
There were two or three 'sorry's in there. (mumbles along with Nellie)

Scene 24

5 lines
Pam Beesly
That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.
Pam Beesly
We should just take him down.
Dwight Schrute
Wait. Are you saying...
Pam Beesly
I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.

Scene 25

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.

Scene 26

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him.
Pam Beesly
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
A little eye for an eye action.
Pam Beesly
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
Pam Beesly
We need an infiltrator.
Dwight Schrute
I know just the man for the job. (looks at Clark)
Pam Beesly
Clark?
Dwight Schrute
He even looks like a mole.

Scene 27

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
Party Guest
You two seem very close.
The Senator
Yes. We're good friends. Good friends.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.
The Senator
You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned it's back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. (puts arms around Oscar) I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. (guests laugh) Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. (slaps Oscar's cheek) My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. (guests applaud as he hugs Oscar)

Scene 28

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian.

Scene 29

22 lines
Darryl Philbin
Oh, hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Darryl Philbin
I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Totally.
Darryl Philbin
All right.
Jim Halpert
(after Darryl eyes him drinking from a thermos) It's mine. Don't worry.
Darryl Philbin
I didn't say anything.
Jim Halpert
I don't think you had to.
Darryl Philbin
Excuse me?
Jim Halpert
I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that?
Darryl Philbin
What you need flour for, Jim?
Jim Halpert
That's not the point.
Darryl Philbin
What? You making bread?
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not making bread.
Darryl Philbin
What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?
Jim Halpert
Darryl, it doesn’t matter. I think you know the point I'm trying to make.
Darryl Philbin
All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all.
Jim Halpert
It's all good. Are we all good?
Darryl Philbin
We good.
Jim Halpert
What's that cooler?
Darryl Philbin
Nothing. (pulls out a can of soda) It's mine. (Jim shakes his head) (after looking through DVR) What happened to my Tavis Smileys?
Jim Halpert
Oh, crap. Were those yours?

Scene 30

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
(pulling Clark across the parking lot) I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Clark Green
Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys.
Dwight Schrute
Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.
Clark Green
OK, boss. (quietly) Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this.
Pam Beesly
Shh, shh.
Clark Green
This is never gonna work.
Pam Beesly
Shh. Remember your lines.
Clark Green
What lines?
Dwight Schrute
Go move some paper!

Scene 31

12 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Darryl on phone) Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse?
Darryl Philbin
He's not my hire, but I know who he is.
Pam Beesly
OK. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or...
Darryl Philbin
What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, something like that.
Darryl Philbin
I know he loves his pick up truck.
Pam Beesly
Oh, great! (to Dwight) His truck!
Dwight Schrute
Great. Get the plate number.
Pam Beesly
OK. (to Darryl) Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that?
Dwight Schrute
So we know which truck to van...
Darryl Philbin
Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. (to Dwight) Come on. (camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair)

Scene 32

12 lines
Party Photographer
Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar? I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the senator, as well. Somewhere there.
Angela Martin
He's blocking me.
The Senator
It's only a photo, honey.
Party Photographer
(to party waiter) Excuse me, uh, what's your name?
Party Waiter
Sean.
Party Photographer
LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. (notices overweight man following) Not you. No.
Oscar Martinez
He put me here.
Angela Martin
He put you right in front of me?
Party Photographer
Let's just wheel Margaret right in front...
Oscar Martinez
Ow! Robert?!
The Senator
Angela.
Party Photographer
Smile. (Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken)

Scene 33

12 lines
Pam Beesly
I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.
Pam Beesly
Aw, Dwight. That's really sweet.
Dwight Schrute
Let's see yours.
Pam Beesly
Oh, no. Um, I, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.
Dwight Schrute
This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.
Dwight Schrute
I saw that. That's great!
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I feel better.
Dwight Schrute
Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.
Pam Beesly
I know. You miss Angela, don't you?
Dwight Schrute
Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.

Scene 34

11 lines
Pam Beesly
I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But, I think the lesson will last a very...
Frank
(exiting building and approaching Pam) Lady! My truck? You had no right!
Pam Beesly
No, you had no right!
Frank
It's a $40,000 truck!
Pam Beesly
So? You started it!
Frank
So? So someone need to shut you up! (attempts to attack Pam)
Brian
Hey, hey, hey! (knocks Frank down with boom microphone)
Pam Beesly
Whoa.
Brian
(as Frank gets up) Easy! (Frank grabs him)
Frank
You son of a bitch!
Brian
You're gonna hit a woman?

Scene 35

7 lines
The Senator
Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. (to Oscar and Angela) Well. Have we all calmed down yet?
Oscar Martinez
Yes. Sorry about that.
Angela Martin
It was all my fault.
The Senator
Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck.
The Senator
I beg your pardon.
Kevin Malone
You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. (Oscar and Angela exit looking pleased)

Scene 36

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers.
Brian
No. No, it's...
Pam Beesly
You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me.
Brian
It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that.
Pam Beesly
Forget about my mural. It's stupid.
Brian
No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too.
Pam Beesly
It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry.
Brian
Look. I don't, I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me. And I'll be there for you.
Pam Beesly
Thanks, Brian.
Brian
Seeya.

Scene 37

1 line
Jim Halpert
Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'.

Scene 38

5 lines
Darryl Philbin
(playing video game with Jim) Oh. Come on!
Jim Halpert
Oh. Oh!
Darryl Philbin
Damn!
Jim Halpert
(imitating game announcer) You win. (Darryl throws empty can on floor) How good did that feel?
Darryl Philbin
That felt really good, actually.