Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Couples Discount

Vol. 9 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

Andy finally crawls back from his three-month boat trip just in time for Valentine's Day, and it's every bit as awkward as you'd imagine. While the rest of the branch fakes being in relationships to score mini-mall discounts, Erin struggles to pull the plug on her romance with the Nard Dog. Every line from the episode is right here, from the chunky lemon milk talk to the tense lunch with Brian the boom mic guy.

Scene 01

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.
Jim Halpert
It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.
Pam Beesly
(makes magic trick hand gesture) Alakazam!
Jim Halpert
By the way, they do need an extra day next week.
Pam Beesly
And, poof! He disappears. (Jim snaps, playing along)

Scene 02

3 lines
Erin Hannon
(to Pete) Hey! Wanna play hookey today?
Pete Miller
Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind?
Erin Hannon
We can do anything you want.

Scene 03

1 line
Erin Hannon
I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend.

Scene 04

1 line
Pete Miller
Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved.

Scene 05

5 lines
Erin Hannon
(has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk) Wanna play catch in the parking lot?
Pete Miller
(slightly surprised) Sure.
Erin Hannon
Great.
Pete Miller
I'll get my coat.
Erin Hannon
Perfect. (Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly)

Scene 06

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy) Come in.
Dwight Schrute
(talking to Andy's empty chair) Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract.
Dwight Schrute
(pretending to be Andy) I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. (thinks for a moment) Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

Scene 08

1 line
Kevin Malone
Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.

Scene 09

14 lines
Kevin Malone
(to entire office)OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.
Nellie Bertram
I say we all have one last fun boss-less day.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences.
Phyllis Vance
Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your (to Nellie) boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
Stanley Hudson
Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
Phyllis Vance
Oh...
Angela Martin
They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. (to Meredith) They use a watch repair kit.
Kevin Malone
(to Angela) Ew! I'll be your foot buddy.
Nellie Bertram
Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount.
Clark Green
It's what I do. (everyone begins to leave)
Oscar Martinez
Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the...
Darryl Philbin
No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that.
Oscar Martinez
All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my...
Darryl Philbin
(interrupting) Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it.

Scene 10

9 lines
Pam Beesly
(eating) These are gross.
Jim Halpert
They are terrible.
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.
Jim Halpert
Oh my god. That's so romantic.
Pam Beesly
It's with Brian and Alyssa.
Jim Halpert
Oh my god. That's less romantic.
Pam Beesly
I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?
Pam Beesly
That sounds nice.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.

Scene 12

9 lines
Nail stylist 1
Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. (other nails stylists gush over Angela)
Nail stylist 2
(to Clark) You take off your glasses.
Clark Green
'Kay. (removes glasses)
Nellie Bertram
(nail stylist 2 giggles) What?
Nail stylist 2
Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.
Nellie Bertram
My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. (both laugh at Clark)
Clark Green
Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. (to nail manager) Excuse me. (gesturing he and Nellie) Full price. We're not together.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, come on!
Clark Green
She's living a lie.

Scene 13

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

Scene 14

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
(to nail manager) Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
Nail manager
No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Oscar Martinez
We are together. Romantically.
Nail manager
Two men? (other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh) (gestures index fingers bumping together) Doesn't work. No discount.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. (Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands)

Scene 15

18 lines
Jim Halpert
(enters restaurant with Pam) Hey, Brian.
Brian
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Sorry we're late.
Brian
Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread.
Pam Beesly
Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Brian
It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy.
Brian
It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available.
Pam Beesly
Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him.
Brian
That's... OK, great. Does he pay well?
Pam Beesly
Where's Alyssa?
Brian
Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Brian
Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up.

Scene 16

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(to Andy's empty chair) I have yet another sales order for you to sign.
Dwight Schrute
(acting as Andy) Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.
Andy Bernard
(in his office doorway, bearded and unkept) Hi Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You're back. (surveys Andy) And you're disgusting.

Scene 17

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
(as everyone returns to the office) Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.
Andy Bernard
Well, well, well, look who it is.
Phyllis Vance
Andy.
Andy Bernard
I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.
Erin Hannon
Andy!
Andy Bernard
Hey! Sweetheart! (approaches Erin) I have missed you so much.
Erin Hannon
(obviously avoiding Andy's embrace) Yes. (gives Andy high fives) Welcome back, buddy.
Andy Bernard
(attempting to hug Erin as she resists) I have been dreaming of this moment.
Erin Hannon
Me too. So much. I'm so happy.

Scene 18

1 line
Erin Hannon
I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.

Scene 19

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow.
Andy Bernard
Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. (removes wooden instruments from bag) Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. (removes güiro and begins playing and singing) Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. (sings while Kevin echoes)
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.
Andy Bernard
Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. (tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers) But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting.
Clark Green
Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?
Dwight Schrute
No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. (Andy stalls) Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?
Andy Bernard
I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe.

Scene 20

1 line
Erin Hannon
He only emailed me four times.

Scene 21

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Question. Where's Jim?
Phyllis Vance
He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch.
Andy Bernard
For two hours? Really?
Oscar Martinez
So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work?
Andy Bernard
If the shoe fits. (plays güiro and sings, Kevin echoes)

Scene 22

7 lines
Brian
We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb.
Jim Halpert
Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight.
Brian
Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. (overcome by emotion) I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. (to Pam) We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other.
Pam Beesly
(obviously flustered) Yeah.
Jim Halpert
What?
Brian
At least my crying won't get you fired.
Jim Halpert
Crying?

Scene 23

41 lines
Andy Bernard
I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
And you sold it to Jan too.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Andy Bernard
I mean... I'm impressed.
Dwight Schrute
(laughing together) Yeah!
Andy Bernard
Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You were on a boat.
Andy Bernard
I was...
Dwight Schrute
On a boat.
Andy Bernard
That...
Dwight Schrute
In the ocean.
Andy Bernard
OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? (Dwight resists) Just say the word 'coolio'.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not gonna say it.
Andy Bernard
Say it.
Dwight Schrute
Not a word.
Andy Bernard
Coolio.
Dwight Schrute
No! (Andy makes a call) What do you think you're doing?
Andy Bernard
Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up.
Dwight Schrute
Don't you dare! Andy!
Jan Levinson
(on phone) Hello?
Andy Bernard
Hey, Jan. Nard dog here.
Jan Levinson
Oh, Andy.
Andy Bernard
I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.
Jan Levinson
Really?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.
Jan Levinson
Hmm.
Dwight Schrute
(whispers) Coolio.
Jan Levinson
Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing?
Dwight Schrute
Coolio. Coolio.
Andy Bernard
No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood.
Jan Levinson
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Coolio.
Andy Bernard
It, it's, it's actually just an issue...
Jan Levinson
You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option.
Dwight Schrute
No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.
Andy Bernard
Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but...
Jan Levinson
Tell Angela to send me a final invoice.
Andy Bernard
Well, ah, ah...
Dwight Schrute
Please Ja, Ja... (Jan hangs up)
Andy Bernard
Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go.

Scene 24

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(approaching Accounting) Hey, everybody, great job. (to Angela) Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.
Angela Martin
Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. (hands Andy a folder)
Andy Bernard
All right. Thank you very much. (examines checks) Looking good. (after noticing something on Angela's desk) Who's that little fella?
Angela Martin
It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter.
Andy Bernard
Wow, that's wonderful!
Oscar Martinez
A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.
Andy Bernard
Uh-huh.
Angela Martin
Uh-huh.
Andy Bernard
Uh-huh... (after awkward pause) Uh-huh. (Angela hands him the bonus check) Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed.

Scene 25

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark Green
(emotional) Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.
Kevin Malone
He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?
Dwight Schrute
God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.

Scene 27

7 lines
Nellie Bertram
I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
Meredith Palmer
Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
Erin Hannon
Hey!
Pete Miller
Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?
Erin Hannon
Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands.
Dwight Schrute
Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway.
Andy Bernard
(appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit) What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. (singing) Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! (resumes talking) All right. Back to work.

Scene 28

7 lines
Pam Beesly
OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why?
Jim Halpert
I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.
Pam Beesly
I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you.
Pam Beesly
It's not Brian's fault.
Jim Halpert
No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it.
Pam Beesly
OK.

Scene 29

27 lines
Andy Bernard
I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip.
Dwight Schrute
Well, we had the Scranton White Pages.
Andy Bernard
Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK?
David Wallace
(enters) Hey guys.
Andy Bernard
Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do.
David Wallace
Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
David Wallace
Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes?
Andy Bernard
Great!
David Wallace
(leaving) Great job, everybody!
Andy Bernard
(whispering) We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
Kevin Malone
You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank...
Dwight Schrute
(interrupting) … lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Andy Bernard
What?!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
There was a fire in the warehouse?
Dwight Schrute
The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Andy Bernard
This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else?
Phyllis Vance
We started selling balloons.
Andy Bernard
What?!
Clark Green
Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin.
Andy Bernard
No kidding?
Clark Green
Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.
Andy Bernard
Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50.
Clark Green
They're tasteful.
Andy Bernard
Good, good. What else?

Scene 30

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire.
David Wallace
What fire?
Andy Bernard
The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes.
David Wallace
It looked fine to me.
Andy Bernard
(catches on to the ruse) I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.
David Wallace
OK.
Andy Bernard
I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.

Scene 31

3 lines
David Wallace
(preparing to leave) Thanks, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
David Wallace
All right. Everyone! (waves to office and exits)

Scene 32

18 lines
Erin Hannon
(enters Andy's office to find him playing güiro) Fish sounds great.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I guess.
Erin Hannon
Really playing the scales, huh?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish?
Erin Hannon
I don't love you anymore.
Andy Bernard
What?
Erin Hannon
I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.
Andy Bernard
OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here.
Erin Hannon
I just said there isn't love.
Andy Bernard
On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.
Erin Hannon
I guess.
Andy Bernard
I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun.
Erin Hannon
You got really sunburned.
Andy Bernard
I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years.
Erin Hannon
Ugh.
Andy Bernard
I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again.
Erin Hannon
You really think we can get that back?
Andy Bernard
Yes. (hugs Erin) Come on. Totally.

Scene 33

17 lines
Jim Halpert
You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight.
Pam Beesly
Oh?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station?
Pam Beesly
Are you sure?
Jim Halpert
I just feel like we're gonna fight.
Pam Beesly
(obviously hurt) Yeah.
Jim Halpert
So... how 'bout let's not?
Pam Beesly
OK. (they begin to leave)
Jim Halpert
Oh, um. (pulls item from bag and hands to Pam) Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it.
Pam Beesly
(sees it's a drawing of hers, framed) Wow. I didn't know you kept this.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, yeah.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Jim Halpert
No problem.
Pam Beesly
I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight.
Jim Halpert
You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I do.
Jim Halpert
OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.

Scene 34

6 lines
Erin Hannon
Hi.
Pete Miller
Hey, you OK?
Erin Hannon
I couldn't do it.
Pete Miller
Oh.
Erin Hannon
I'm sorry.
Pete Miller
Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? (Erin smiles and kisses Pete)

Scene 35

2 lines
Erin Hannon
(bursts into Andy's office) We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months.
David Wallace
(on phone) Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?