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Season 9 Episode 15
Couples Discount

Every line from The Office episode "Couples Discount", season 9 episode 15.

Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.
Jim Halpert: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.
Pam Beesly: (makes magic trick hand gesture) Alakazam!
Jim Halpert: By the way, they do need an extra day next week.
Pam Beesly: And, poof! He disappears. (Jim snaps, playing along)
Erin Hannon: (to Pete) Hey! Wanna play hookey today?
Pete Miller: Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind?
Erin Hannon: We can do anything you want.
Erin Hannon: I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend.
Pete Miller: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved.
Erin Hannon: (has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk) Wanna play catch in the parking lot?
Pete Miller: (slightly surprised) Sure.
Erin Hannon: Great.
Pete Miller: I'll get my coat.
Erin Hannon: Perfect. (Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly)
Dwight Schrute: (knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy) Come in.
Dwight Schrute: (talking to Andy's empty chair) Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract.
Dwight Schrute: (pretending to be Andy) I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo.
Dwight Schrute: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. (thinks for a moment) Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.
Kevin Malone: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.
Kevin Malone: (to entire office)OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.
Nellie Bertram: I say we all have one last fun boss-less day.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences.
Phyllis Vance: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your (to Nellie) boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
Stanley Hudson: Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
Phyllis Vance: Oh...
Angela Martin: They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. (to Meredith) They use a watch repair kit.
Kevin Malone: (to Angela) Ew! I'll be your foot buddy.
Nellie Bertram: Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount.
Clark Green: It's what I do. (everyone begins to leave)
Oscar Martinez: Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the...
Darryl Philbin: No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that.
Oscar Martinez: All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my...
Darryl Philbin: (interrupting) Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it.
Pam Beesly: (eating) These are gross.
Jim Halpert: They are terrible.
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.
Jim Halpert: Oh my god. That's so romantic.
Pam Beesly: It's with Brian and Alyssa.
Jim Halpert: Oh my god. That's less romantic.
Pam Beesly: I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?
Pam Beesly: That sounds nice.
Jim Halpert: I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.
Nail stylist 1: Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. (other nails stylists gush over Angela)
Nail stylist 2: (to Clark) You take off your glasses.
Clark Green: 'Kay. (removes glasses)
Nellie Bertram: (nail stylist 2 giggles) What?
Nail stylist 2: Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.
Nellie Bertram: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. (both laugh at Clark)
Clark Green: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. (to nail manager) Excuse me. (gesturing he and Nellie) Full price. We're not together.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, come on!
Clark Green: She's living a lie.
Nellie Bertram: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.
Oscar Martinez: (to nail manager) Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
Nail manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Oscar Martinez: We are together. Romantically.
Nail manager: Two men? (other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh) (gestures index fingers bumping together) Doesn't work. No discount.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. (Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands)
Jim Halpert: (enters restaurant with Pam) Hey, Brian.
Brian: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Sorry we're late.
Brian: Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread.
Pam Beesly: Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Brian: It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy.
Brian: It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available.
Pam Beesly: Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him.
Brian: That's... OK, great. Does he pay well?
Pam Beesly: Where's Alyssa?
Brian: Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Brian: Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up.
Dwight Schrute: (to Andy's empty chair) I have yet another sales order for you to sign.
Dwight Schrute: (acting as Andy) Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.
Andy Bernard: (in his office doorway, bearded and unkept) Hi Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You're back. (surveys Andy) And you're disgusting.
Phyllis Vance: (as everyone returns to the office) Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.
Andy Bernard: Well, well, well, look who it is.
Phyllis Vance: Andy.
Andy Bernard: I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.
Erin Hannon: Andy!
Andy Bernard: Hey! Sweetheart! (approaches Erin) I have missed you so much.
Erin Hannon: (obviously avoiding Andy's embrace) Yes. (gives Andy high fives) Welcome back, buddy.
Andy Bernard: (attempting to hug Erin as she resists) I have been dreaming of this moment.
Erin Hannon: Me too. So much. I'm so happy.
Erin Hannon: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.
Oscar Martinez: What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow.
Andy Bernard: Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. (removes wooden instruments from bag) Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. (removes güiro and begins playing and singing) Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. (sings while Kevin echoes)
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.
Andy Bernard: Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. (tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers) But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting.
Clark Green: Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?
Dwight Schrute: No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. (Andy stalls) Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?
Andy Bernard: I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe.
Erin Hannon: He only emailed me four times.
Andy Bernard: Question. Where's Jim?
Phyllis Vance: He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch.
Andy Bernard: For two hours? Really?
Oscar Martinez: So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work?
Andy Bernard: If the shoe fits. (plays güiro and sings, Kevin echoes)
Brian: We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb.
Jim Halpert: Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight.
Brian: Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. (overcome by emotion) I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. (to Pam) We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other.
Pam Beesly: (obviously flustered) Yeah.
Jim Halpert: What?
Brian: At least my crying won't get you fired.
Jim Halpert: Crying?
Andy Bernard: I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: And you sold it to Jan too.
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Andy Bernard: I mean... I'm impressed.
Dwight Schrute: (laughing together) Yeah!
Andy Bernard: Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You were on a boat.
Andy Bernard: I was...
Dwight Schrute: On a boat.
Andy Bernard: That...
Dwight Schrute: In the ocean.
Andy Bernard: OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? (Dwight resists) Just say the word 'coolio'.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not gonna say it.
Andy Bernard: Say it.
Dwight Schrute: Not a word.
Andy Bernard: Coolio.
Dwight Schrute: No! (Andy makes a call) What do you think you're doing?
Andy Bernard: Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up.
Dwight Schrute: Don't you dare! Andy!
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Hello?
Andy Bernard: Hey, Jan. Nard dog here.
Jan Levinson: Oh, Andy.
Andy Bernard: I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.
Jan Levinson: Really?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.
Jan Levinson: Hmm.
Dwight Schrute: (whispers) Coolio.
Jan Levinson: Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing?
Dwight Schrute: Coolio. Coolio.
Andy Bernard: No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood.
Jan Levinson: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Coolio.
Andy Bernard: It, it's, it's actually just an issue...
Jan Levinson: You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option.
Dwight Schrute: No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.
Andy Bernard: Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but...
Jan Levinson: Tell Angela to send me a final invoice.
Andy Bernard: Well, ah, ah...
Dwight Schrute: Please Ja, Ja... (Jan hangs up)
Andy Bernard: Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go.
Andy Bernard: (approaching Accounting) Hey, everybody, great job. (to Angela) Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.
Angela Martin: Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. (hands Andy a folder)
Andy Bernard: All right. Thank you very much. (examines checks) Looking good. (after noticing something on Angela's desk) Who's that little fella?
Angela Martin: It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter.
Andy Bernard: Wow, that's wonderful!
Oscar Martinez: A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.
Andy Bernard: Uh-huh.
Angela Martin: Uh-huh.
Andy Bernard: Uh-huh... (after awkward pause) Uh-huh. (Angela hands him the bonus check) Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed.
Dwight Schrute: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark Green: (emotional) Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.
Kevin Malone: He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?
Dwight Schrute: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.
Dwight Schrute: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.
Nellie Bertram: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
Meredith Palmer: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
Erin Hannon: Hey!
Pete Miller: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?
Erin Hannon: Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands.
Dwight Schrute: Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway.
Andy Bernard: (appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit) What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. (singing) Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! (resumes talking) All right. Back to work.
Pam Beesly: OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.
Pam Beesly: I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you.
Pam Beesly: It's not Brian's fault.
Jim Halpert: No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it.
Pam Beesly: OK.
Andy Bernard: I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip.
Dwight Schrute: Well, we had the Scranton White Pages.
Andy Bernard: Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK?
David Wallace: (enters) Hey guys.
Andy Bernard: Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do.
David Wallace: Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
David Wallace: Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes?
Andy Bernard: Great!
David Wallace: (leaving) Great job, everybody!
Andy Bernard: (whispering) We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
Kevin Malone: You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank...
Dwight Schrute: (interrupting) … lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Andy Bernard: What?!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: There was a fire in the warehouse?
Dwight Schrute: The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
Kevin Malone: Whoa.
Andy Bernard: This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else?
Phyllis Vance: We started selling balloons.
Andy Bernard: What?!
Clark Green: Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin.
Andy Bernard: No kidding?
Clark Green: Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.
Andy Bernard: Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50.
Clark Green: They're tasteful.
Andy Bernard: Good, good. What else?
Andy Bernard: Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire.
David Wallace: What fire?
Andy Bernard: The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes.
David Wallace: It looked fine to me.
Andy Bernard: (catches on to the ruse) I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.
David Wallace: OK.
Andy Bernard: I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.
David Wallace: (preparing to leave) Thanks, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
David Wallace: All right. Everyone! (waves to office and exits)
Erin Hannon: (enters Andy's office to find him playing güiro) Fish sounds great.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I guess.
Erin Hannon: Really playing the scales, huh?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish?
Erin Hannon: I don't love you anymore.
Andy Bernard: What?
Erin Hannon: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.
Andy Bernard: OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here.
Erin Hannon: I just said there isn't love.
Andy Bernard: On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.
Erin Hannon: I guess.
Andy Bernard: I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun.
Erin Hannon: You got really sunburned.
Andy Bernard: I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years.
Erin Hannon: Ugh.
Andy Bernard: I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again.
Erin Hannon: You really think we can get that back?
Andy Bernard: Yes. (hugs Erin) Come on. Totally.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight.
Pam Beesly: Oh?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station?
Pam Beesly: Are you sure?
Jim Halpert: I just feel like we're gonna fight.
Pam Beesly: (obviously hurt) Yeah.
Jim Halpert: So... how 'bout let's not?
Pam Beesly: OK. (they begin to leave)
Jim Halpert: Oh, um. (pulls item from bag and hands to Pam) Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it.
Pam Beesly: (sees it's a drawing of hers, framed) Wow. I didn't know you kept this.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, yeah.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: No problem.
Pam Beesly: I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight.
Jim Halpert: You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I do.
Jim Halpert: OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.
Erin Hannon: Hi.
Pete Miller: Hey, you OK?
Erin Hannon: I couldn't do it.
Pete Miller: Oh.
Erin Hannon: I'm sorry.
Pete Miller: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? (Erin smiles and kisses Pete)
Erin Hannon: (bursts into Andy's office) We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months.
David Wallace: (on phone) Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 15 season 9. Couples Discount is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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