Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Moving On

Vol. 9 · Issue 16Scranton, PA

Andy is back from his boat trip and is making things weird for Erin and Pete by bringing their exes into the office. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from Pam’s interview with a Michael Scott clone to Dwight and Angela’s farm adventures. It’s all the dialogue you need to see Gabe’s weirdest moments again.

Scene 01

32 lines
David Wallace
...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!
Andy Bernard
I resent that. I, I never lied to you.
David Wallace
Really? (reading from phone) “Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.”
Andy Bernard
And all was good in Scranton PA that day.
David Wallace
“By the way, Oscar says 'hi'”
Andy Bernard
Oscar says “hi” all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. “Hi” “Hello” “Hola” You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say “hi”?
David Wallace
Andy.
Andy Bernard
But you're calling me a liar.
David Wallace
Andy!
Andy Bernard
By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately.
David Wallace
Watch it Andy!
Andy Bernard
Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. (Reading from phone) “Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.” Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!
David Wallace
My wife?
Andy Bernard
This has been a really tough time.
David Wallace
Yeah?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
David Wallace
Has it?
Andy Bernard
Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard.
David Wallace
Shh.
Andy Bernard
It was like a security blan-
David Wallace
Andy.
Andy Bernard
-ket
David Wallace
Shh. I'm not gonna fire you.
Andy Bernard
You're not?
David Wallace
No.
Andy Bernard
That's awesome.
David Wallace
I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that.
Andy Bernard
David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.
David Wallace
We are even...now. Understand? Got it?
Andy Bernard
Crystal.
David Wallace
You are on very- Hey, very thin ice.
Andy Bernard
Vanilla. (David looks confused) Vanilla Ice. It was a band.

Scene 02

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Good morning.
Erin Hannon
Good morning.
Andy Bernard
And how are you on this fine- (chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed)

Scene 03

1 line
Andy Bernard
(Crying) Ok, we ready? (cut) Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.

Scene 04

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(Moaning from office) Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh
Pam Beesly
He sounds like a wounded animal.
Stanley Hudson
Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her.
Phyllis Vance
I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.
Stanley Hudson
I'm the same way with horny people.
Pam Beesly
Ok. (Andy continues moaning)

Scene 05

1 line
Erin Hannon
Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
(taking paper from Kevin) Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you.

Scene 07

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. (laughs) I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.

Scene 09

24 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Jumps out from behind vending machine) I need you.
Angela Martin
Ahh! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Angela Martin
What? What is it?
Dwight Schrute
It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.
Angela Martin
Dwight, that's awful.
Dwight Schrute
You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was “poisoned” by Aunt Shirley.
Angela Martin
What do you mean by “poisoned”?
Dwight Schrute
Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.
Angela Martin
Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Angela Martin
But I don't see how this is my problem.
Dwight Schrute
Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-
Angela Martin
Ugh.
Dwight Schrute
And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Angela Martin
Gah.
Dwight Schrute
There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Angela Martin
It's fine.
Dwight Schrute
It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Angela Martin
Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-
Dwight Schrute
It's a divet...
Angela Martin
I'll help you!
Dwight Schrute
..where it was and it needs, it needs a...
Angela Martin
Ugh.

Scene 10

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Where are you going?
Pam Beesly
Uh, not on a three month boat trip.
Andy Bernard
Wha? Oh, burn. (laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.) Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?
Dwight Schrute
How dare you?
Andy Bernard
I'm still the boss!

Scene 11

13 lines
Erin Hannon
I...
Andy Bernard
The answer is yes.
Erin Hannon
..just have some messages for you.
Andy Bernard
Are they from you?
Erin Hannon
Well no, they're from clients.
Andy Bernard
Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.
Erin Hannon
I can't. I-
Andy Bernard
Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.
Erin Hannon
These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Andy Bernard
I don't want to talk about work right now.
Erin Hannon
Well I only want to talk about work right now.
Andy Bernard
Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Erin Hannon
Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.

Scene 12

14 lines
Pete Miller
I've got the seat adjusted right.
Clark Green
Perfect height, yeah.
Andy Bernard
She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Pete Miller
I was just leaving.
Andy Bernard
Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
Pete Miller
I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Andy Bernard
Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Clark Green
Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Andy Bernard
Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Clark Green
There you go, good for you.
Andy Bernard
No.
Clark Green
You just let it all hang out, that's what...
Andy Bernard
May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. (Andy leaves)
Clark Green
I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.

Scene 13

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.
Shirley
Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Angela Martin
Hello Aunt Shirley.
Shirley
Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
Dwight Schrute
This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
Shirley
New clothes? What for? (Aunt Shirley's boob shows)
Dwight Schrute
OK
Angela Martin
Oh, God.
Dwight Schrute
You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Angela Martin
Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?
Shirley
How would you like a mean cold slap? (slaps Angela)
Angela Martin
Ow!
Dwight Schrute
Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?
Shirley
I could do that.
Dwight Schrute
Ok.
Angela Martin
No. No.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, trust me.
Angela Martin
No.
Dwight Schrute
It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Shirley
Step on it!

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.

Scene 15

22 lines
Phyllis Vance
Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.
Andy Bernard
I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.
Oscar Martinez
You're clearly snooping.
Creed Bratton
That's kinda uncool, man.
Meredith Palmer
Ah, come on.
Phyllis Vance
Andy!
Oscar Martinez
That's her private property.
Meredith Palmer
Tell us!
Andy Bernard
Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?
Phyllis Vance
What does that even mean?
Meredith Palmer
What's it say?
Phyllis Vance
Put it down.
Andy Bernard
Everyone please, just-
Creed Bratton
It's not cool.
Phyllis Vance
Put it down
Oscar Martinez
Andy. That is her private property.
Meredith Palmer
Boo.
Andy Bernard
Oh my god.
Stanley Hudson
Uh huh.
Phyllis Vance
See?
Stanley Hudson
That's where nosey'll get you.
Phyllis Vance
Told you so.

Scene 16

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone.
Darryl Philbin
Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.
Andy Bernard
Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Kevin Malone
Pete...
Clark Green
Hmm.
Kevin Malone
Pete what?

Scene 17

1 line
Pete Miller
It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.

Scene 18

21 lines
Pam Beesly
(whispers) hello!
Jim Halpert
Hey! There she is. (Pam laughs) How you doin?
Pam Beesly
Hi! Hey, do I look ok?
Jim Halpert
You look great.
Pam Beesly
Ok
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
(pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset) What's that? Is that a-
Jim Halpert
Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. (Pam laughs)
Isaac
Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.
Pam Beesly
How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
Isaac
It's a phone?
Pam Beesly
Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it.
Isaac
Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.
Jim Halpert
You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you.
Pam Beesly
Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me.
Jim Halpert
(touches headset) Call you right back. What were you saying?
Pam Beesly
Ha ha.
Athlead Coworker
Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line.
Jim Halpert
I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.(Pam laughs) OK, good luck!
Pam Beesly
Bye.

Scene 19

6 lines
Angela Martin
Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Dwight Schrute
In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.
Shirley
(coughs and laughs in her sleep)
Dwight Schrute
Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Angela Martin
Spray her down?
Dwight Schrute
No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.

Scene 20

29 lines
Pete Miller
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted (reading computer screen) shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?
Pete Miller
Yeah. (long pause) You were gone.
Andy Bernard
I knew it!
Pete Miller
For a long time, Andy.
Andy Bernard
You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!
Pete Miller
Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
Andy Bernard
No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!
Pete Miller
What?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. (singing) So you had a bad day-
Pete Miller
Andy?
Andy Bernard
..The camera don't lie!
Pete Miller
Andy.
Andy Bernard
You're being an idiot get..
Pete Miller
I'm trying..
Andy Bernard
Out of my office, turns out you're fired...
Pete Miller
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Because you suck.
Pete Miller
You can't fire-
Andy Bernard
And you're fired...
Pete Miller
If you want to talk to me
Andy Bernard
So you had a bad day...
Pete Miller
I'll be in the annex.
Andy Bernard
Rut ti doh doh...
Pete Miller
Alright? I'll be in the annex.
Andy Bernard
Rut tit doh doh...
Pete Miller
Toby!
Andy Bernard
Rut ti doh doo doh
Pete Miller
Toby?

Scene 21

11 lines
Toby Flenderson
You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?
Andy Bernard
No.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Andy Bernard
Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
Toby Flenderson
Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.
Andy Bernard
They already have a contract? (Reading) “Mutually agree to-” Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
Toby Flenderson
It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.
Andy Bernard
Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
Toby Flenderson
I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy Bernard
Ok, well we'll see about that. (crumples paper)
Toby Flenderson
Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. (Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out) It's the original.

Scene 22

7 lines
Mark
...(singing) talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something.
Pam Beesly
Hello.
Mark
Hi, I'm Mark.
Pam Beesly
Hi, Pam, hello.
Mark
I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the “N” word in that movie. It's, it's too soon.
Pam Beesly
I'm Pam Halpert.
Mark
Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. (laughs) He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
Oh my god. He's Michael Scott.

Scene 24

22 lines
Shirley
Time to get clean!
Dwight Schrute
It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
Angela Martin
You have to use chains?
Dwight Schrute
You'll see. Here we go.
Shirley
Let's get this show on the road.
Dwight Schrute
Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Angela Martin
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Let's get to it.
Angela Martin
No! No!
Dwight Schrute
Give it a whirl.
Angela Martin
Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Shirley
Stop your belly-aching and hose me.
Dwight Schrute
I need you to hose my aunt.
Angela Martin
No Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
OK you are useless.
Angela Martin
No, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Give me the hose!
Angela Martin
No Dwight, I won't- (hoses Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Ahh! OK!
Angela Martin
(grunting) I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Dwight Schrute
Yes ma'am.
Angela Martin
Good.

Scene 25

1 line
Mark
This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?

Scene 26

10 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up.
Nellie Bertram
Um.
Toby Flenderson
Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial...
Nellie Bertram
Oh no.
Toby Flenderson
...feel like I may have glossed over a few...
Nellie Bertram
No no no no.
Toby Flenderson
...minor points.
Nellie Bertram
No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
Toby Flenderson
I've been drafting a letter.
Nellie Bertram
For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!

Scene 27

4 lines
Mark
My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say “Chillax” people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.
Roger
No. I heard you.
Mark
Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! (laughs) Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers.
Pam Beesly
(Mouths) Oh my god.

Scene 28

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith Palmer
Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk....
Andy Bernard
Ugh.
Meredith Palmer
Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.
Phyllis Vance
Come on Andy, they're a good match.
Andy Bernard
That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, Andy.
Andy Bernard
What?!
Darryl Philbin
You've got a booger bubble going on there.
Andy Bernard
(wipes nose) Sorry.
Darryl Philbin
It's ok.
Andy Bernard
My whole life is a booger bubble!

Scene 29

13 lines
Mark
This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. (Pam laughs) From The Smurfs movie.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-
Mark
What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it.
Pam Beesly
Oh, cause it was upside down. (both laugh)
Mark
You're a good audience. (Pam laughs)
Pam Beesly
So um-
Mark
Unlike some of these people around here.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-
Mark
Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Mark
(gets guitar) What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! (playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan) Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?
Pam Beesly
Two children, yes.
Mark
You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be.

Scene 30

11 lines
Pete Miller
Hey. You got a sec to talk?
Andy Bernard
Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood.
Pete Miller
Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on.
Andy Bernard
Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.
Erin Hannon
Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Andy Bernard
Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.
Pete Miller
Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now.
Erin Hannon
See? We can all be friends!
Pete Miller
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Pete Miller
I do think we can have a fair....

Scene 31

1 line
Andy Bernard
Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.

Scene 32

13 lines
Mark
Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So...
Pam Beesly
I am not pr-
Mark
You're not.
Pam Beesly
Pregnant, no.
Mark
I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Mark
Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
Mark
It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
Pam Beesly
So, kinda like a receptionist.
Mark
Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Mark
Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.

Scene 33

1 line
Pam Beesly
I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't.

Scene 34

7 lines
Shirley
Ow! The braid is too tight.
Angela Martin
Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.
Shirley
Yes ma'am.
Angela Martin
I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Shirley
Ok.
Angela Martin
There.
Shirley
Thank you Angela.

Scene 35

5 lines
Toby Flenderson
I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.
Nellie Bertram
Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Darryl Philbin
Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.
Toby Flenderson
Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. (Toby leaves)
Nellie Bertram
He's doing it.

Scene 36

9 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) hey!
Jim Halpert
Hey, how'd the interview go?
Pam Beesly
Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-
Jim Halpert
I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in.
Pam Beesly
Eight? Really?
Jim Halpert
I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
Pam Beesly
Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight.
Jim Halpert
Alright, love you.
Pam Beesly
Love you.

Scene 37

25 lines
Alice
Hi.
Erin Hannon
Hi.
Alice
I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Erin Hannon
Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.
Alice
Ok, great. Thanks.
Meredith Palmer
Fresh meat! Fresh meat! (Making kissing noises)
Erin Hannon
Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.
Alice
Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Erin Hannon
Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.
Kevin Malone
I'm Kevin.
Alice
Pete?
Pete Miller
Alice. Oh man.
Alice
It's uh, been a while, huh?
Erin Hannon
What, do you two know each other?
Pete Miller
Yeah. We uh, have a history.
Erin Hannon
Oh.
Alice
History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years.
Erin Hannon
That's so random.
Pete Miller
Well. Is it?
Erin Hannon
Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. (runs to front office)
Creed Bratton
Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man.
Gabe Lewis
Hello beautiful.
Kevin Malone
Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe Lewis
We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
Creed Bratton
She's looking good.

Scene 38

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb.

Scene 39

1 line
Toby Flenderson
This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? (imitating Humphrey Bogart) I think this is a start of my first friendship.

Scene 40

19 lines
Clark Green
So Pete was a librarian?
Alice
He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Clark Green
Was he like the sexy librarian?
Pete Miller
Ok.
Alice
Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Andy Bernard
Hi.
Alice
Hi.
Andy Bernard
Hi, how's it going?
Alice
Hi. (laughs) Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-
Andy Bernard
Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?
Pete Miller
Andy, that is really inappropriate.
Andy Bernard
Awkward.
Pete Miller
It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Andy Bernard
(high pitched) Really uncomfortable situation.
Pete Miller
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta “move on”. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. (leaves)
Alice
So there's no marketing department.
Clark Green
No.
Pete Miller
No.

Scene 41

5 lines
Gabe Lewis
You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.
Erin Hannon
So Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Gabe Lewis
Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Gabe Lewis
You must be pretty horny. (Erin shakes head no)

Scene 42

1 line
Nellie Bertram
well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? (Toby nods) One week? (Toby shakes head) Ok, two weeks? (Toby nods) Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.

Scene 43

12 lines
Shirley
I feel like a show pony.
Dwight Schrute
And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.
Angela Martin
You're welcome. Would you like some stew?
Dwight Schrute
By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Angela Martin
Mmhm.
Dwight Schrute
Would you like the stink sack?
Angela Martin
Is it any good?
Dwight Schrute
No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Angela Martin
Thank you. (both laugh)
Shirley
So, when's the wedding?
Angela Martin
Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends.
Shirley
That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.

Scene 44

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Hello?
Jim Halpert
Hey! Back here.
Pam Beesly
Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?
Jim Halpert
Si, senor.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job.
Jim Halpert
Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.
Jim Halpert
Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.
Jim Halpert
Alright. So, tell me all about it.

Scene 45

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
Angela Martin
It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. (They shake hands. Then kiss) Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.
Angela Martin
No, Dwight. The Senator.
Dwight Schrute
Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.
Angela Martin
I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Angela Martin
I made a vow. I gave my word.
Dwight Schrute
Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.
Angela Martin
Good night, D.

Scene 46

3 lines
Erin Hannon
How are you doing? Is it really rough?
Pete Miller
It is so unpleasant. You?
Andy Bernard
Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.

Scene 47

44 lines
Andy Bernard
Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?
Gabe Lewis
Honestly, it was a little weird.
Andy Bernard
Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?
Gabe Lewis
I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship-
Erin Hannon
Gabe!
Gabe Lewis
...a lot of the time.
Andy Bernard
And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.
Pete Miller
Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy.
Alice
Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
Pete Miller
It was college. That is what you do.
Alice
Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Erin Hannon
Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?
Andy Bernard
We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?
Gabe Lewis
(laughs) Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
Erin Hannon
Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
Gabe Lewis
I got a tattoo for you.
Erin Hannon
I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Gabe Lewis
Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
Alice
So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Pete Miller
She's nice to me.
Alice
How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin Hannon
Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-
Gabe Lewis
I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Pete Miller
Oh my god.
Gabe Lewis
What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Pete Miller
Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Pete Miller
No!
Gabe Lewis
Erin, are you even hearing this?
Erin Hannon
He didn't even say that.
Alice
He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?
Gabe Lewis
Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.
Erin Hannon
Gabe, I don't-
Gabe Lewis
Give me one night with you...
Erin Hannon
What is that supposed to mean?
Gabe Lewis
I have shaved everything...
Erin Hannon
I don't want you to shave everything.
Alice
I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!
Pete Miller
I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. (Erin and Gabe argue in background)
Gabe Lewis
I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues]
Pete Miller
Why don't you say in the beginning: “This isn't really going that well”
Gabe Lewis
Shove his sashimi!
Erin Hannon
What do you-!
Alice
Because I had to wait- (all argue)

Scene 48

1 line
Andy Bernard
Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? (Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background) Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Scene 49

24 lines
Pam Beesly
So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
Jim Halpert
Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Pam Beesly
Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.
Jim Halpert
You're definitely hoarding this by the way.
Pam Beesly
Guess what poster he had on his wall?
Jim Halpert
Austin Powers.
Pam Beesly
MmMm.
Jim Halpert
Ferris Bueller.
Pam Beesly
MmMm. You're getting colder.
Jim Halpert
Not Night at the Roxbury.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?
Pam Beesly
I don't know, but it's interesting right?
Jim Halpert
It's fascinating.
Pam Beesly
He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.
Jim Halpert
That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?
Pam Beesly
Mmhm.
Jim Halpert
So, next interview has to be better.
Pam Beesly
I don't know.
Jim Halpert
What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing.
Pam Beesly
I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this.
Jim Halpert
(long pause) Huh. This is a little out of left field.
Pam Beesly
Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton.
Jim Halpert
And I have started a business in Philadelphia. (Pam shrugs)

Scene 50

2 lines
Oscar's Computer
My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.
Oscar Martinez
You could all be doing this, just saying.

Scene 51

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.

Scene 52

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?
Oscar Martinez
I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright (tries to pull himself up) Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?
Kevin Malone
Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?
Oscar Martinez
Can someone please help me?
Phyllis Vance
Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? (Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis)
Oscar Martinez
Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? (Kevin shuts door) I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. (Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.) Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?