This is the full script for the episode "Moving On" from season 9 episode 16 of The Office. Andy finds out that Erin is dating Pete and tries to get Pete fired. Meanwhile, Pam has a job interview in Philadelphia, and Dwight needs Angela's help with his sick aunt.
David Wallace:...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!
Andy Bernard:I resent that. I, I never lied to you.
David Wallace:Really? (reading from phone) “Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.”
Andy Bernard:And all was good in Scranton PA that day.
David Wallace:“By the way, Oscar says 'hi'”
Andy Bernard:Oscar says “hi” all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. “Hi” “Hello” “Hola” You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say “hi”?
David Wallace:Andy.
Andy Bernard:But you're calling me a liar.
David Wallace:Andy!
Andy Bernard:By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately.
David Wallace:Watch it Andy!
Andy Bernard:Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. (Reading from phone) “Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.” Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!
David Wallace:My wife?
Andy Bernard:This has been a really tough time.
David Wallace:Yeah?
Andy Bernard:Yeah.
David Wallace:Has it?
Andy Bernard:Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard.
David Wallace:Shh.
Andy Bernard:It was like a security blan-
David Wallace:Andy.
Andy Bernard:-ket
David Wallace:Shh. I'm not gonna fire you.
Andy Bernard:You're not?
David Wallace:No.
Andy Bernard:That's awesome.
David Wallace:I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that.
Andy Bernard:David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.
David Wallace:We are even...now. Understand? Got it?
Andy Bernard:Crystal.
David Wallace:You are on very- Hey, very thin ice.
Andy Bernard:Vanilla. (David looks confused) Vanilla Ice. It was a band.
Andy Bernard:Good morning.
Erin Hannon:Good morning.
Andy Bernard:And how are you on this fine- (chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed)
Andy Bernard:(Crying) Ok, we ready? (cut) Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.
Andy Bernard:(Moaning from office) Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh
Pam Beesly:He sounds like a wounded animal.
Stanley Hudson:Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her.
Phyllis Vance:I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.
Stanley Hudson:I'm the same way with horny people.
Pam Beesly:Ok. (Andy continues moaning)
Erin Hannon:Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.
Pam Beesly:(taking paper from Kevin) Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you.
Pam Beesly:Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. (laughs) I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.
Dwight Schrute:(on phone) No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.
Dwight Schrute:(Jumps out from behind vending machine) I need you.
Angela Martin:Ahh! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Angela Martin:What? What is it?
Dwight Schrute:It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.
Angela Martin:Dwight, that's awful.
Dwight Schrute:You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was “poisoned” by Aunt Shirley.
Angela Martin:What do you mean by “poisoned”?
Dwight Schrute:Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.
Angela Martin:Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.
Dwight Schrute:Thank you.
Angela Martin:But I don't see how this is my problem.
Dwight Schrute:Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-
Angela Martin:Ugh.
Dwight Schrute:And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Angela Martin:Gah.
Dwight Schrute:There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Angela Martin:It's fine.
Dwight Schrute:It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Angela Martin:Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-
Dwight Schrute:It's a divet...
Angela Martin:I'll help you!
Dwight Schrute:..where it was and it needs, it needs a...
Angela Martin:Ugh.
Andy Bernard:Where are you going?
Pam Beesly:Uh, not on a three month boat trip.
Andy Bernard:Wha? Oh, burn. (laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.) Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?
Dwight Schrute:How dare you?
Andy Bernard:I'm still the boss!
Erin Hannon:I...
Andy Bernard:The answer is yes.
Erin Hannon:..just have some messages for you.
Andy Bernard:Are they from you?
Erin Hannon:Well no, they're from clients.
Andy Bernard:Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.
Erin Hannon:I can't. I-
Andy Bernard:Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.
Erin Hannon:These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Andy Bernard:I don't want to talk about work right now.
Erin Hannon:Well I only want to talk about work right now.
Andy Bernard:Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Erin Hannon:Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.
Pete Miller:I've got the seat adjusted right.
Clark Green:Perfect height, yeah.
Andy Bernard:She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Pete Miller:I was just leaving.
Andy Bernard:Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
Pete Miller:I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Andy Bernard:Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Clark Green:Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Andy Bernard:Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Clark Green:There you go, good for you.
Andy Bernard:No.
Clark Green:You just let it all hang out, that's what...
Andy Bernard:May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. (Andy leaves)
Clark Green:I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
Dwight Schrute:Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.
Shirley:Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Angela Martin:Hello Aunt Shirley.
Shirley:Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
Dwight Schrute:This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
Shirley:New clothes? What for? (Aunt Shirley's boob shows)
Dwight Schrute:OK
Angela Martin:Oh, God.
Dwight Schrute:You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Angela Martin:Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?
Shirley:How would you like a mean cold slap? (slaps Angela)
Angela Martin:Ow!
Dwight Schrute:Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?
Shirley:I could do that.
Dwight Schrute:Ok.
Angela Martin:No. No.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, trust me.
Angela Martin:No.
Dwight Schrute:It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Shirley:Step on it!
Andy Bernard:Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.
Phyllis Vance:Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.
Andy Bernard:I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.
Oscar Martinez:You're clearly snooping.
Creed Bratton:That's kinda uncool, man.
Meredith Palmer:Ah, come on.
Phyllis Vance:Andy!
Oscar Martinez:That's her private property.
Meredith Palmer:Tell us!
Andy Bernard:Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?
Phyllis Vance:What does that even mean?
Meredith Palmer:What's it say?
Phyllis Vance:Put it down.
Andy Bernard:Everyone please, just-
Creed Bratton:It's not cool.
Phyllis Vance:Put it down
Oscar Martinez:Andy. That is her private property.
Meredith Palmer:Boo.
Andy Bernard:Oh my god.
Stanley Hudson:Uh huh.
Phyllis Vance:See?
Stanley Hudson:That's where nosey'll get you.
Phyllis Vance:Told you so.
Andy Bernard:Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone.
Darryl Philbin:Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.
Andy Bernard:Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Kevin Malone:Pete...
Clark Green:Hmm.
Kevin Malone:Pete what?
Pete Miller:It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.
Pam Beesly:(whispers) hello!
Jim Halpert:Hey! There she is. (Pam laughs) How you doin?
Pam Beesly:Hi! Hey, do I look ok?
Jim Halpert:You look great.
Pam Beesly:Ok
Jim Halpert:Yeah.
Pam Beesly:(pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset) What's that? Is that a-
Jim Halpert:Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. (Pam laughs)
Isaac:Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.
Pam Beesly:How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
Isaac:It's a phone?
Pam Beesly:Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it.
Isaac:Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Pam Beesly:Thanks.
Jim Halpert:You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you.
Pam Beesly:Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me.
Jim Halpert:(touches headset) Call you right back. What were you saying?
Pam Beesly:Ha ha.
Athlead Coworker:Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line.
Jim Halpert:I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.(Pam laughs) OK, good luck!
Pam Beesly:Bye.
Angela Martin:Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Dwight Schrute:In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.
Shirley:(coughs and laughs in her sleep)
Dwight Schrute:Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Angela Martin:Spray her down?
Dwight Schrute:No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.
Pete Miller:Hey.
Andy Bernard:Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted (reading computer screen) shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?
Pete Miller:Yeah. (long pause) You were gone.
Andy Bernard:I knew it!
Pete Miller:For a long time, Andy.
Andy Bernard:You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!
Pete Miller:Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
Andy Bernard:No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!
Pete Miller:What?
Andy Bernard:Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. (singing) So you had a bad day-
Pete Miller:Andy?
Andy Bernard:..The camera don't lie!
Pete Miller:Andy.
Andy Bernard:You're being an idiot get..
Pete Miller:I'm trying..
Andy Bernard:Out of my office, turns out you're fired...
Pete Miller:Andy.
Andy Bernard:Because you suck.
Pete Miller:You can't fire-
Andy Bernard:And you're fired...
Pete Miller:If you want to talk to me
Andy Bernard:So you had a bad day...
Pete Miller:I'll be in the annex.
Andy Bernard:Rut ti doh doh...
Pete Miller:Alright? I'll be in the annex.
Andy Bernard:Rut tit doh doh...
Pete Miller:Toby!
Andy Bernard:Rut ti doh doo doh
Pete Miller:Toby?
Toby Flenderson:You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?
Andy Bernard:No.
Toby Flenderson:Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Andy Bernard:Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
Toby Flenderson:Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.
Andy Bernard:They already have a contract? (Reading) “Mutually agree to-” Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
Toby Flenderson:It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.
Andy Bernard:Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
Toby Flenderson:I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy Bernard:Ok, well we'll see about that. (crumples paper)
Toby Flenderson:Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. (Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out) It's the original.
Mark:...(singing) talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something.
Pam Beesly:Hello.
Mark:Hi, I'm Mark.
Pam Beesly:Hi, Pam, hello.
Mark:I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the “N” word in that movie. It's, it's too soon.
Pam Beesly:I'm Pam Halpert.
Mark:Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. (laughs) He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?
Pam Beesly:Oh my god. He's Michael Scott.
Shirley:Time to get clean!
Dwight Schrute:It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
Angela Martin:You have to use chains?
Dwight Schrute:You'll see. Here we go.
Shirley:Let's get this show on the road.
Dwight Schrute:Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Angela Martin:Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:Let's get to it.
Angela Martin:No! No!
Dwight Schrute:Give it a whirl.
Angela Martin:Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Shirley:Stop your belly-aching and hose me.
Dwight Schrute:I need you to hose my aunt.
Angela Martin:No Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:OK you are useless.
Angela Martin:No, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:Give me the hose!
Angela Martin:No Dwight, I won't- (hoses Dwight)
Dwight Schrute:Ahh! OK!
Angela Martin:(grunting) I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Dwight Schrute:Yes ma'am.
Angela Martin:Good.
Mark:This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?
Toby Flenderson:Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up.
Nellie Bertram:Um.
Toby Flenderson:Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial...
Nellie Bertram:Oh no.
Toby Flenderson:...feel like I may have glossed over a few...
Nellie Bertram:No no no no.
Toby Flenderson:...minor points.
Nellie Bertram:No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
Toby Flenderson:I've been drafting a letter.
Nellie Bertram:For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!
Mark:My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say “Chillax” people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.
Roger:No. I heard you.
Mark:Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! (laughs) Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers.
Pam Beesly:(Mouths) Oh my god.
Andy Bernard:Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith Palmer:Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk....
Andy Bernard:Ugh.
Meredith Palmer:Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.
Phyllis Vance:Come on Andy, they're a good match.
Andy Bernard:That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.
Darryl Philbin:Hey, Andy.
Andy Bernard:What?!
Darryl Philbin:You've got a booger bubble going on there.
Andy Bernard:(wipes nose) Sorry.
Darryl Philbin:It's ok.
Andy Bernard:My whole life is a booger bubble!
Mark:This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. (Pam laughs) From The Smurfs movie.
Pam Beesly:Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-
Mark:What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it.
Pam Beesly:Oh, cause it was upside down. (both laugh)
Mark:You're a good audience. (Pam laughs)
Pam Beesly:So um-
Mark:Unlike some of these people around here.
Pam Beesly:Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-
Mark:Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam?
Pam Beesly:Yes.
Mark:(gets guitar) What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! (playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan) Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?
Pam Beesly:Two children, yes.
Mark:You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be.
Pete Miller:Hey. You got a sec to talk?
Andy Bernard:Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood.
Pete Miller:Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on.
Andy Bernard:Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.
Erin Hannon:Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Andy Bernard:Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.
Pete Miller:Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now.
Erin Hannon:See? We can all be friends!
Pete Miller:Yeah.
Erin Hannon:Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Pete Miller:I do think we can have a fair....
Andy Bernard:Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.
Mark:Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So...
Pam Beesly:I am not pr-
Mark:You're not.
Pam Beesly:Pregnant, no.
Mark:I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Pam Beesly:Wow.
Mark:Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-
Pam Beesly:I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
Mark:It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
Pam Beesly:So, kinda like a receptionist.
Mark:Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?
Pam Beesly:Yes.
Mark:Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.
Pam Beesly:I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't.
Shirley:Ow! The braid is too tight.
Angela Martin:Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.
Shirley:Yes ma'am.
Angela Martin:I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Shirley:Ok.
Angela Martin:There.
Shirley:Thank you Angela.
Toby Flenderson:I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.
Nellie Bertram:Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Darryl Philbin:Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.
Toby Flenderson:Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. (Toby leaves)
Nellie Bertram:He's doing it.
Pam Beesly:(on phone) hey!
Jim Halpert:Hey, how'd the interview go?
Pam Beesly:Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-
Jim Halpert:I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in.
Pam Beesly:Eight? Really?
Jim Halpert:I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
Pam Beesly:Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight.
Jim Halpert:Alright, love you.
Pam Beesly:Love you.
Alice:Hi.
Erin Hannon:Hi.
Alice:I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Erin Hannon:Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.
Erin Hannon:Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.
Alice:Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Erin Hannon:Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.
Kevin Malone:I'm Kevin.
Alice:Pete?
Pete Miller:Alice. Oh man.
Alice:It's uh, been a while, huh?
Erin Hannon:What, do you two know each other?
Pete Miller:Yeah. We uh, have a history.
Erin Hannon:Oh.
Alice:History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years.
Erin Hannon:That's so random.
Pete Miller:Well. Is it?
Erin Hannon:Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. (runs to front office)
Creed Bratton:Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man.
Gabe Lewis:Hello beautiful.
Kevin Malone:Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe Lewis:We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
Creed Bratton:She's looking good.
Toby Flenderson:Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb.
Toby Flenderson:This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? (imitating Humphrey Bogart) I think this is a start of my first friendship.
Clark Green:So Pete was a librarian?
Alice:He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Clark Green:Was he like the sexy librarian?
Pete Miller:Ok.
Alice:Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Andy Bernard:Hi.
Alice:Hi.
Andy Bernard:Hi, how's it going?
Alice:Hi. (laughs) Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-
Andy Bernard:Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?
Pete Miller:Andy, that is really inappropriate.
Andy Bernard:Awkward.
Pete Miller:It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Andy Bernard:(high pitched) Really uncomfortable situation.
Pete Miller:Yeah.
Andy Bernard:It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta “move on”. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. (leaves)
Alice:So there's no marketing department.
Clark Green:No.
Pete Miller:No.
Gabe Lewis:You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.
Erin Hannon:So Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Gabe Lewis:Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
Erin Hannon:Yeah.
Gabe Lewis:You must be pretty horny. (Erin shakes head no)
Nellie Bertram:well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? (Toby nods) One week? (Toby shakes head) Ok, two weeks? (Toby nods) Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.
Shirley:I feel like a show pony.
Dwight Schrute:And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.
Angela Martin:You're welcome. Would you like some stew?
Dwight Schrute:By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Angela Martin:Mmhm.
Dwight Schrute:Would you like the stink sack?
Angela Martin:Is it any good?
Dwight Schrute:No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Angela Martin:Thank you. (both laugh)
Shirley:So, when's the wedding?
Angela Martin:Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends.
Shirley:That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.
Pam Beesly:Hello?
Jim Halpert:Hey! Back here.
Pam Beesly:Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?
Jim Halpert:Si, senor.
Pam Beesly:Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job.
Jim Halpert:Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?
Pam Beesly:Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.
Jim Halpert:Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Pam Beesly:(laughs) You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.
Jim Halpert:Alright. So, tell me all about it.
Dwight Schrute:Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
Angela Martin:It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. (They shake hands. Then kiss) Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute:Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.
Angela Martin:No, Dwight. The Senator.
Dwight Schrute:Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.
Angela Martin:I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute:I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Angela Martin:I made a vow. I gave my word.
Dwight Schrute:Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.
Angela Martin:Good night, D.
Erin Hannon:How are you doing? Is it really rough?
Pete Miller:It is so unpleasant. You?
Andy Bernard:Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.
Andy Bernard:Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?
Gabe Lewis:Honestly, it was a little weird.
Andy Bernard:Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?
Gabe Lewis:I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship-
Erin Hannon:Gabe!
Gabe Lewis:...a lot of the time.
Andy Bernard:And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.
Pete Miller:Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy.
Alice:Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
Pete Miller:It was college. That is what you do.
Alice:Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Erin Hannon:Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?
Andy Bernard:We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?
Gabe Lewis:(laughs) Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
Erin Hannon:Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
Gabe Lewis:I got a tattoo for you.
Erin Hannon:I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Gabe Lewis:Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
Alice:So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Pete Miller:She's nice to me.
Alice:How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin Hannon:Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-
Gabe Lewis:I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Pete Miller:Oh my god.
Gabe Lewis:What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Pete Miller:Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis:Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Pete Miller:No!
Gabe Lewis:Erin, are you even hearing this?
Erin Hannon:He didn't even say that.
Alice:He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?
Gabe Lewis:Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.
Erin Hannon:Gabe, I don't-
Gabe Lewis:Give me one night with you...
Erin Hannon:What is that supposed to mean?
Gabe Lewis:I have shaved everything...
Erin Hannon:I don't want you to shave everything.
Alice:I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!
Pete Miller:I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. (Erin and Gabe argue in background)
Gabe Lewis:I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues)
Pete Miller:Why don't you say in the beginning: “This isn't really going that well”
Gabe Lewis:Shove his sashimi!
Erin Hannon:What do you-!
Alice:Because I had to wait- (all argue)
Andy Bernard:Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? (Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background) Yeah. Yeah, it does.
Pam Beesly:So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
Jim Halpert:Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Pam Beesly:Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.
Jim Halpert:You're definitely hoarding this by the way.
Pam Beesly:Guess what poster he had on his wall?
Jim Halpert:Austin Powers.
Pam Beesly:MmMm.
Jim Halpert:Ferris Bueller.
Pam Beesly:MmMm. You're getting colder.
Jim Halpert:Not Night at the Roxbury.
Pam Beesly:(laughs) No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
Jim Halpert:I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?
Pam Beesly:I don't know, but it's interesting right?
Jim Halpert:It's fascinating.
Pam Beesly:He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.
Jim Halpert:That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?
Pam Beesly:Mmhm.
Jim Halpert:So, next interview has to be better.
Pam Beesly:I don't know.
Jim Halpert:What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing.
Pam Beesly:I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this.
Jim Halpert:(long pause) Huh. This is a little out of left field.
Pam Beesly:Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton.
Jim Halpert:And I have started a business in Philadelphia. (Pam shrugs)
Oscar's Computer:My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.
Oscar Martinez:You could all be doing this, just saying.
Oscar Martinez:I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.
Stanley Hudson:Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?
Oscar Martinez:I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright (tries to pull himself up) Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?
Kevin Malone:Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?
Oscar Martinez:Can someone please help me?
Phyllis Vance:Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? (Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis)
Oscar Martinez:Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? (Kevin shuts door) I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. (Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.) Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?
Paragraph 1: Andy's Meltdown and Pete's Secret
In "The Office" episode 16, season 9, "Moving On," Andy returns from his boat trip. He finds out Erin is dating Pete. Andy is very upset and jealous. He tries to make them feel bad. He even tries to fire Pete. Toby stops him, saying he can't fire people over grudges. Andy looks at Erin's phone. He sees texts between her and Pete. This confirms their relationship. Pete and Erin kept it secret to be nice to Andy. It was also exciting for them. Andy calls a meeting. He wants everyone to see how bad he feels.
Paragraph 2: Pam's Interview and Dwight's Aunt
Pam goes to a job interview in Philly. Jim set it up for her. The interviewer is like Michael Scott. He is silly and unprofessional. Pam doesn't get the job. She realizes she doesn't want to move. She likes her life in Scranton. Dwight asks Angela to help with his sick aunt. His aunt is very rude and difficult. Angela agrees to bathe and clean her. Dwight and Angela share a moment. They realize they still love each other.
Paragraph 3: Toby's Obsession and a New Consultant
Toby keeps talking about the Scranton Strangler case. Nellie tells him to stop. He visits the supposed strangler in prison. The man attacks Toby and hurts his throat. Andy hires a consultant named Alice. She used to date Pete. This makes things even more awkward. Andy keeps trying to make Pete and Erin feel bad. He talks about their past relationships. Everyone gets annoyed with Andy's behavior. The episode ends with a promo for the documentary. It shows clips from the past nine seasons.
