Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Farm

Vol. 9 · Issue 17Scranton, PA

Dwight heads back to the family acreage for Aunt Shirley’s funeral, but things get weird when Todd Packer shows up at the office with some very questionable cupcakes. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including all the awkward Schrute traditions and Packer's fake apologies. It’s the perfect way to catch every zinger without having to deal with the actual farm life.

Scene 01

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(as elevator door closes) Hold it!
Creed Bratton
(notices something new about Dwight) New glasses.

Scene 02

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight Schrute
I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight Schrute
I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Scene 04

11 lines
Jim Halpert
My condolences.
Dwight Schrute
Keep them.
Jim Halpert
OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
Dwight Schrute
In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
Erin Hannon
(after Dwight tosses dirt on her face) What color is it?
Phyllis Vance
It looks pretty black.
Kevin Malone
(after Dwight tosses dirt in his face) Yep. Acidic, all right.
Oscar Martinez
(while Dwight prepares to toss dirt) Oh, thank god.
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me?
Oscar Martinez
I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...
Dwight Schrute
OK. That's not... (tosses red dirt in Oscar's face)

Scene 05

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.

Scene 06

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face) I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place.
Dwight Schrute
I really hope so. (unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face)
Jim Halpert
OK. (as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand) This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball.
Dwight Schrute
I miss her so much.
Jim Halpert
OK.
Dwight Schrute
You know? (Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim)

Scene 07

9 lines
Mose
(playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning') Zeke's here.
Dwight Schrute
Zeke.
Zeke
Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'.
Mose
'Hi' to Mom.
Dwight Schrute
Are you going?
Mose
Will there be ghosts there?
Dwight Schrute
(simultaneously with Zeke) Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.
Zeke
You get in the sidecar.
Dwight Schrute
Get...

Scene 08

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
(at the grave site, to Oscar) What are you doing here?
Oscar Martinez
You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
Dwight Schrute
(smirking) Oh, yeah.
Oscar Martinez
(as a car approaches the grave site) Who is that?
Dwight Schrute
Jeb, my brother.
Oscar Martinez
You have a brother?
Dwight Schrute
Uh-huh.
Jeb
I didn't really see a better parking spot. (drives into the dug grave) Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. (Dwight approaches and hugs him) You wanna go in? (both attempt to put the other in the dug grave)

Scene 09

14 lines
Erin Hannon
(upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office) Oh, gosh.
Todd Packer
Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.
Clark Green
(to Pam) Who's this guy?
Pam Beesly
… bad.
Todd Packer
Hi, all.
Phyllis Vance
Why are you here, Todd?
Todd Packer
OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Kevin Malone
Packer, we accept. (others disagree)
Todd Packer
Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. (to Pam) Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. (to Phyllis) Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, (points to Clark) this kid in a few years.
Pam Beesly
Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Todd Packer
Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology’s just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'.
Pam Beesly
I think it's called 'Nibbles'.
Todd Packer
Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? (hands cupcake to Erin) There you go.
Pam Beesly
Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake.

Scene 10

38 lines
German Minister
We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Jeb
(gathers and tastes soil) Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.
Dwight Schrute
Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.
Jeb
Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
Dwight Schrute
Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
Jeb
It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.
Dwight Schrute
Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.
Jeb
Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.
German Minister
Would the family care to say something?
Dwight Schrute
You had black hair and then gray hair.
Zeke
You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4”, at the end you were 5'1”.
Oscar Martinez
They're a descriptive people.
Fannie
(approaches and hugs Dwight) I see you started without me.
Dwight Schrute
You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?
Fannie
Well, I told you...
Jeb
Hi, Fannie.
Fannie
Hey.
Oscar Martinez
Who is that?
Zeke
Dwight's sister.
Oscar Martinez
Dwight has a sister?
Zeke
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
She's beautiful.
Zeke
Blugh.
Dwight Schrute
(to his nephew Cameron) Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. (after a weak handshake) What is this? Oh, god. (after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up) Henry.
Henry
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I see Esther's back in town.
Esther
Hi Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Esther
This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.
Dwight Schrute
Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
Fannie
We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.
Dwight Schrute
OK.
Henry
Anyone mention her height?
Zeke
Yep.
Henry
Land size? (all shake heads) (removes hat) Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. (replaces hat) OK. (drives away)
Dwight Schrute
So, let's get it going.
German Minister
(approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun) Would you want to do the honors?
Fannie
Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this.

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

Scene 12

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it) That's it for me. (exits)

Scene 13

4 lines
Pam Beesly
I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction.
Phyllis Vance
I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy.
Pam Beesly
We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Creed Bratton
$3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.

Scene 14

1 line
Creed Bratton
I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Scene 15

4 lines
Clark Green
Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark.
Todd Packer
Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.
Clark Green
You didn't actually say that.
Todd Packer
No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. (Clark fake laughs) Hey. I have a crazy feeling (hands Clark a cupcake) that you are really gonna like this.

Scene 16

10 lines
Stanley Hudson
Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. (to Nellie) And you did fire him.
Nellie Bertram
I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.
Pam Beesly
Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Angela Martin
Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin Malone
They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.
Pam Beesly
So, it really is just about the cupcakes.
Andy Bernard
Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.
Phyllis Vance
So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?
Meredith Palmer
(as all agree) OK.
Phyllis Vance
OK. Packer can go to hell.

Scene 17

3 lines
Aunt Shirley
(on a recorded video) Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.
Dwight Schrute
(agreeing with Shirley) Thank you.
Aunt Shirley
Jeb. A street pusher.

Scene 18

1 line
Jeb
After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out “worm” means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.

Scene 20

5 lines
Aunt Shirley
We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it.
Fannie
Is she crazy? (as Dwight considers) Dwight?
Jeb
Buddy? Buddy?
Fannie
No, no, no.
Jeb
Snap out of it. Dwight?

Scene 21

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom.
Fannie
No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy?
Dwight Schrute
Of course you are.
Fannie
Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication.
Dwight Schrute
Oh my god.
Fannie
That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance.

Scene 22

1 line
Fannie
Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... (reaches in to bag, removes folded paper) maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.

Scene 23

6 lines
Jeb
Totally. Yep. The people here are like (makes farting sound, laughs) Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart?
Dwight Schrute
You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.
Jeb
Couple of nights couldn't hurt.
Fannie
Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.
Dwight Schrute
You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes.
Zeke
(as Dwight says 'yes') Absolutely.

Scene 24

1 line
Zeke
Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.

Scene 25

7 lines
Fannie
That doesn't work on me.
Dwight Schrute
OK.
Fannie
By the way, that's not...
Dwight Schrute
(counts down in French)
Fannie
Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.
Dwight Schrute
Oui.
Fannie
Oh my goodness.

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(while everyone is gathered playing and singing “Sons & Daughters”) People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

Scene 27

1 line
Fannie
(after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther) So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. (Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied)

Scene 28

3 lines
Todd Packer
Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.
Meredith Palmer
I'm not sorry about it.
Todd Packer
I am. It was my rock bottom.

Scene 29

8 lines
Angela Martin
(while Kevin stares at his cupcake) Kevin, you can do this.
Kevin Malone
You don't know that.
Pam Beesly
Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?
Angela Martin
Uh-huh.
Kevin Malone
James Bond was a spy.
Pam Beesly
Yes. He was a good spy.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.
Todd Packer
Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. (exits)

Scene 30

1 line
Todd Packer
I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a (expletive) of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Scene 31

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. (after noticing Angela easting cupcake) Hey!
Angela Martin
What, Pam?
Pam Beesly
(as others eat) Wait!
Angela Martin
He's gone. It's just a cupcake now.
Pam Beesly
No, no. It's the principle of the thing.
Andy Bernard
(exits office, chewing) Oh my god. I forgive him so much. (Kevin begins making choking sounds) Whoa, is he choking?
Angela Martin
Kevin?
Kevin Malone
(after long choking and refusing help from Meredith) Oh, that was fantastic.

Scene 32

6 lines
Cameron
(after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise) Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.
Cameron
I was just asking you something I didn't know.
Dwight Schrute
Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.
Cameron
(after grabbing an egg) Are we gonna eat these today?
Dwight Schrute
If you want.

Scene 33

11 lines
Cameron
Is that a guillotine?
Dwight Schrute
This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.
Cameron
(referencing goat) That's a cow?
Dwight Schrute
Did you just ask me if this was a cow?
Cameron
(after seeing Dwight smelling milk) What are you doing now?
Dwight Schrute
Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?
Cameron
I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?
Cameron
I don't know any of that.
Dwight Schrute
OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?
Cameron
I never met him.

Scene 34

26 lines
Pam Beesly
Good morning, Erin.
Erin Hannon
(looking disheveled) Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK.
Phyllis Vance
I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.
Pam Beesly
Phyllis!
Clark Green
Packer laced the cupcakes.
Pam Beesly
No!
Meredith Palmer
Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?
Angela Martin
Some of us got both. (raises hand)
Pam Beesly
Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Phyllis Vance
Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.
Nellie Bertram
Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.
Stanley Hudson
Me too. (holds up four fingers)
Clark Green
I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.
Phyllis Vance
What did you do, Andy?
Andy Bernard
Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. (cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin) Na, nothing really. Kevin?
Kevin Malone
Why would you ask me?
Andy Bernard
I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. (cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing) Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. (cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face) Pretty normal night.
Kevin Malone
(he and Andy embrace each other in tears) My night was just like that. (cuts to him and Andy trading clothes) Meaning normal.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. (cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin)
Kevin Malone
Nope. I did not see you either.
Pam Beesly
Wow. He is officially the worst human being.
Kevin Malone
(as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away) Ah. (stops Pam and takes cupcake)
Pam Beesly
But, Kevin that's...
Kevin Malone
Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.
Angela Martin
(shaking head in disbelief) No.

Scene 35

4 lines
Todd Packer
So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. (slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim)
Darryl Philbin
That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage.
Jim Halpert
Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too.
Todd Packer
It's OK. I'm over it.

Scene 36

4 lines
Jeb
Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.
Fannie
Not it.
Dwight Schrute
It. (to Fannie) That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that.
Fannie
All right.