Scene 012 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (as elevator door closes) Hold it!Creed BrattonOpen quote: (notices something new about Dwight) New glasses.
Scene 024 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
Scene 031 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
Scene 0411 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: My condolences.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Keep them.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.Erin HannonOpen quote: (after Dwight tosses dirt on her face) What color is it?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It looks pretty black.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (after Dwight tosses dirt in his face) Yep. Acidic, all right.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (while Dwight prepares to toss dirt) Oh, thank god.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excuse me?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK. That's not... (tosses red dirt in Oscar's face)
Scene 051 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.
Scene 066 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face) I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I really hope so. (unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face)Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK. (as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand) This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I miss her so much.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know? (Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim)
Scene 079 linesMoseOpen quote: (playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning') Zeke's here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Zeke.ZekeOpen quote: Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'.MoseOpen quote: 'Hi' to Mom.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Are you going?MoseOpen quote: Will there be ghosts there?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (simultaneously with Zeke) Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.ZekeOpen quote: You get in the sidecar.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Get...
Scene 088 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (at the grave site, to Oscar) What are you doing here?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (smirking) Oh, yeah.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (as a car approaches the grave site) Who is that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jeb, my brother.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You have a brother?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh-huh.JebOpen quote: I didn't really see a better parking spot. (drives into the dug grave) Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. (Dwight approaches and hugs him) You wanna go in? (both attempt to put the other in the dug grave)
Scene 0914 linesErin HannonOpen quote: (upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office) Oh, gosh.Todd PackerOpen quote: Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.Clark GreenOpen quote: (to Pam) Who's this guy?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: … bad.Todd PackerOpen quote: Hi, all.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Why are you here, Todd?Todd PackerOpen quote: OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Packer, we accept. (others disagree)Todd PackerOpen quote: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. (to Pam) Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. (to Phyllis) Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, (points to Clark) this kid in a few years.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.Todd PackerOpen quote: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology’s just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I think it's called 'Nibbles'.Todd PackerOpen quote: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? (hands cupcake to Erin) There you go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake.
Scene 1038 linesGerman MinisterOpen quote: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.JebOpen quote: (gathers and tastes soil) Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.JebOpen quote: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.JebOpen quote: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.JebOpen quote: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.German MinisterOpen quote: Would the family care to say something?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You had black hair and then gray hair.ZekeOpen quote: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4”, at the end you were 5'1”.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: They're a descriptive people.FannieOpen quote: (approaches and hugs Dwight) I see you started without me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?FannieOpen quote: Well, I told you...JebOpen quote: Hi, Fannie.FannieOpen quote: Hey.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Who is that?ZekeOpen quote: Dwight's sister.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Dwight has a sister?ZekeOpen quote: Yeah.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: She's beautiful.ZekeOpen quote: Blugh.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to his nephew Cameron) Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. (after a weak handshake) What is this? Oh, god. (after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up) Henry.HenryOpen quote: Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I see Esther's back in town.EstherOpen quote: Hi Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.EstherOpen quote: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.FannieOpen quote: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK.HenryOpen quote: Anyone mention her height?ZekeOpen quote: Yep.HenryOpen quote: Land size? (all shake heads) (removes hat) Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. (replaces hat) OK. (drives away)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So, let's get it going.German MinisterOpen quote: (approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun) Would you want to do the honors?FannieOpen quote: Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this.
Scene 111 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
Scene 121 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: (after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it) That's it for me. (exits)
Scene 134 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?Creed BrattonOpen quote: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
Scene 141 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.
Scene 154 linesClark GreenOpen quote: Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark.Todd PackerOpen quote: Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.Clark GreenOpen quote: You didn't actually say that.Todd PackerOpen quote: No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. (Clark fake laughs) Hey. I have a crazy feeling (hands Clark a cupcake) that you are really gonna like this.
Scene 1610 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. (to Nellie) And you did fire him.Nellie BertramOpen quote: I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?Angela MartinOpen quote: Do they even have a bakery anymore?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So, it really is just about the cupcakes.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (as all agree) OK.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: OK. Packer can go to hell.
Scene 173 linesAunt ShirleyOpen quote: (on a recorded video) Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (agreeing with Shirley) Thank you.Aunt ShirleyOpen quote: Jeb. A street pusher.
Scene 181 lineJebOpen quote: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out “worm” means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.
Scene 191 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.
Scene 205 linesAunt ShirleyOpen quote: We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it.FannieOpen quote: Is she crazy? (as Dwight considers) Dwight?JebOpen quote: Buddy? Buddy?FannieOpen quote: No, no, no.JebOpen quote: Snap out of it. Dwight?
Scene 216 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom.FannieOpen quote: No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Of course you are.FannieOpen quote: Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh my god.FannieOpen quote: That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance.
Scene 221 lineFannieOpen quote: Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... (reaches in to bag, removes folded paper) maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.
Scene 236 linesJebOpen quote: Totally. Yep. The people here are like (makes farting sound, laughs) Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.JebOpen quote: Couple of nights couldn't hurt.FannieOpen quote: Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes.ZekeOpen quote: (as Dwight says 'yes') Absolutely.
Scene 241 lineZekeOpen quote: Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.
Scene 257 linesFannieOpen quote: That doesn't work on me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK.FannieOpen quote: By the way, that's not...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (counts down in French)FannieOpen quote: Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oui.FannieOpen quote: Oh my goodness.
Scene 261 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (while everyone is gathered playing and singing “Sons & Daughters”) People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.
Scene 271 lineFannieOpen quote: (after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther) So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. (Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied)
Scene 283 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I'm not sorry about it.Todd PackerOpen quote: I am. It was my rock bottom.
Scene 298 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: (while Kevin stares at his cupcake) Kevin, you can do this.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: You don't know that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?Angela MartinOpen quote: Uh-huh.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: James Bond was a spy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes. He was a good spy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.Todd PackerOpen quote: Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. (exits)
Scene 301 lineTodd PackerOpen quote: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a (expletive) of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.
Scene 318 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. (after noticing Angela easting cupcake) Hey!Angela MartinOpen quote: What, Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (as others eat) Wait!Angela MartinOpen quote: He's gone. It's just a cupcake now.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no. It's the principle of the thing.Andy BernardOpen quote: (exits office, chewing) Oh my god. I forgive him so much. (Kevin begins making choking sounds) Whoa, is he choking?Angela MartinOpen quote: Kevin?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (after long choking and refusing help from Meredith) Oh, that was fantastic.
Scene 326 linesCameronOpen quote: (after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise) Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.CameronOpen quote: I was just asking you something I didn't know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.CameronOpen quote: (after grabbing an egg) Are we gonna eat these today?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If you want.
Scene 3311 linesCameronOpen quote: Is that a guillotine?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.CameronOpen quote: (referencing goat) That's a cow?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you just ask me if this was a cow?CameronOpen quote: (after seeing Dwight smelling milk) What are you doing now?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?CameronOpen quote: I don't know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?CameronOpen quote: I don't know any of that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?CameronOpen quote: I never met him.
Scene 3426 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Good morning, Erin.Erin HannonOpen quote: (looking disheveled) Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Phyllis!Clark GreenOpen quote: Packer laced the cupcakes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?Angela MartinOpen quote: Some of us got both. (raises hand)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my god! Is everyone OK?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Me too. (holds up four fingers)Clark GreenOpen quote: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What did you do, Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. (cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin) Na, nothing really. Kevin?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Why would you ask me?Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. (cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing) Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. (cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face) Pretty normal night.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (he and Andy embrace each other in tears) My night was just like that. (cuts to him and Andy trading clothes) Meaning normal.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. (cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Nope. I did not see you either.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow. He is officially the worst human being.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away) Ah. (stops Pam and takes cupcake)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But, Kevin that's...Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.Angela MartinOpen quote: (shaking head in disbelief) No.
Scene 354 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. (slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim)Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too.Todd PackerOpen quote: It's OK. I'm over it.
Scene 364 linesJebOpen quote: Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.FannieOpen quote: Not it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It. (to Fannie) That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that.FannieOpen quote: All right.