Every line from The Office episode "Promos", season 9 episode 18.
Dwight Schrute: (Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively) Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.
Darryl Philbin: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public.
Pam Beesly: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.
Meredith Palmer: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak.
Angela Martin: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Toby Flenderson: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.
Oscar Martinez: Toby, how do you propose that we-
Andy Bernard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?
Pam Beesly: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Andy Bernard: Well there you go. That's muy caliente.
Dwight Schrute: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. (walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis)
Phyllis Vance: What the hell?!
Dwight Schrute: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny.
Andy Bernard: Excuse me, dirty birdie (takes Phyllis' iPod)
Phyllis Vance: Wait, what?
Andy Bernard: You can have this back at the end of the day. (cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him) Oh!!
Dwight Schrute: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Clark Green: What's her name?
Dwight Schrute: Esther Ruger. (Angela makes a face in the background)
Dwight Schrute: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Clark Green: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'.
Dwight Schrute: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) What do you think?
Clark Green: The same thing that you think.
Dwight Schrute: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Clark Green: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.
Angela Martin: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week.
Jim Halpert: Oh man. (laughs)
Pam Beesly: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'.
Jim Halpert: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen.
Jim Halpert: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?
Pam Beesly: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?
Jim Halpert: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Um, Ok. Well?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, sounds good. Ok.
Kevin Malone: (Meredith laughs) What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?
Oscar Martinez: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Phyllis Vance: Play it again.
Promo Voice: (Music begins, Michael Scott is shown) The boss. (Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past) The workers. (Ryan and Michael are shown) The lives. (Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown) The loves. (More flashback clips) The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.
Kevin Malone: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.
Clark Green: (Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof) Oh my god, is that you and Jim?
Clark Green: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? (laughs) Yikes. That is awful.
Pam Beesly: It wasn't so bad.
Andy Bernard: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. “Banjo at 0:19 is aight” Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?
Jim Halpert: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, man. Darryl.
Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. (to camera) Eat Fresh.
Jim Halpert: Let's go to the conference room.
Dwight Schrute: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Angela Martin: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Dwight Schrute: Did I tell you about her teeth?
Erin Hannon: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome.
Mr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Esther: Thank you. (Dwight kisses her forehead)
Jim Halpert: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Darryl Philbin: And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: “C'mon, I can do that.”
Jim Halpert: Right? (laughs)
Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Darryl Philbin: Subway sandwiches.
Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called “The Big Piece”
Jim Halpert: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Ryan Howard: -hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece.
Darryl Philbin: The space dust does it.
Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Jim Halpert: Sure, yeah. (laughs) Hollywood. (Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts) Alright.
Darryl Philbin: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.
Kevin Malone: Andy, are there documentary groupies?
Andy Bernard: Of course there are!
Toby Flenderson: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel (groups groans) was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I don't care.
Oscar Martinez: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Promo Announcer: (Speaks Danish)
Kevin Malone: What was that word they said when they showed me “Skrald mand”? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? (Oscar looks it up)
Oscar Martinez: Dumpster Man.
Kevin Malone: Cool. Superhero.
Angela Martin: What about me? “Klokken tre pige”
Oscar Martinez: “Three PM Girl”
Angela Martin: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? (pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex) Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!
Oscar Martinez: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.
Phyllis Vance: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?
Angela Martin: Oh my god. (All look at camera horrified)
Angela Martin: There was much more secret filming than I expected. (laughs) But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.
Oscar Martinez: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.
Meredith Palmer: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? (lifts shirt to flash camera) Boob sauce!
Oscar Martinez: Meredith!
Nellie Bertram: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?
Oscar Martinez: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!
Oscar Martinez: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.
Andy Bernard: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: “You guys are killing it!” I mean, we're internet sensations guys!
Angela Martin: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.
Stanley Hudson: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. (groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something)
Oscar Martinez: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes.
Angela Martin: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Erin Hannon: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Nellie Bertram: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more (Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces) I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone.
Pete Miller: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I guess I could.
Stanley Hudson: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me.
Phyllis Vance: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?
Stanley Hudson: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.
Clark Green: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do?
Ruger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft.
Clark Green: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! (laughs)
Salesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets.
Mr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns.
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal.
Mr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck.
Dwight Schrute: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. (shakes hands)
Salesman: Let's get the paperwork started.
Andy Bernard: Oh! Seven new comments. “The guy at 0:19 is hawt!” (typing) “Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!”(reading) “He's not hawt, he's gay.” (typing) “Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.” (reading) “He is hawt!” See, thank you, that's more like it. “He is butt.” God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!
Dwight Schrute: Security deposit. That's been-
Dwight Schrute: Right, standard.
Clark Green: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Dwight Schrute: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark Green: Don't do it. (takes Dwight's pen)
Dwight Schrute: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark Green: Dude, we're being conned.
Clark Green: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Clark Green: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight Schrute: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark Green: I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight Schrute: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.
Mr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign?
Dwight Schrute: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. (grabs Clark)
Pam Beesly: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time?
Brian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this-
Pam Beesly: Oh my gosh, please, don't.
Brian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. (laughs) Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there.
Pam Beesly: Sure, yeah. Yeah.
Brian: Let me grab a couple drinks.
Pam Beesly: OK. (Goes out onto terrace) Oh wow, you have a nice view.
Brian: Alright, that's for you. (hands her beer)
Pam Beesly: Oh, thank you.
Angela Martin: (Plays boom box to drown out sound) Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?
Oscar Martinez: They caught us kissing on Halloween.
Angela Martin: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! (Slaps Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!
Angela Martin: Oh! (slaps him again) Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.
Oscar Martinez: Well, I don't like giving him bad news.
Oscar Martinez: You call him!
Angela Martin: Call him! (hits Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: Stop hitting me!
Angela Martin: Call him! Call him!
Brian: What brings you by?
Pam Beesly: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.
Brian: Oh yeah, that's right.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. It's kinda crazy.
Pam Beesly: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?
Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, wasn't that neat?
Brian: Yeah, it was cool.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed?
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-
Pam Beesly: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and....I don't know, am I crazy?
Brian: No, you're not crazy.
Pam Beesly: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. (Brian laughs) Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-
Pam Beesly: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much.
Brian: They want to know how much what?
Pam Beesly: How much stuff you got.
Brian: Pretty much everything.
Pam Beesly: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs?
Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you.
Pam Beesly: So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
Brian: That's not really true, I mean-
Pam Beesly: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go.
Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better.
Pam Beesly: No I think you explained it.
Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- (Pam leaves) Pam.
Jim Halpert: “Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.”
Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.
Ryan Howard: “Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.”
Jim Halpert: “Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.”
Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it!
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, Jim.
Jim Halpert: (louder) “Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!”
Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: “Oh yeah!”
Jim Halpert: “Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.”
Ryan Howard: “They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.”
Jim Halpert: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends.
Darryl Philbin: It's so strong.
Ryan Howard: Keep reading then.
Jim Halpert: “Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.”
Ryan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
Jim Halpert: I don't know how we'd go about doing that.
Darryl Philbin: We can look into it.
Jim Halpert: We'll look into it.
Ryan Howard: We need Darth.
Jim Halpert: We gotta get him.
Darryl Philbin: We'll go after Darth then.
Jim Halpert: We're gonna go get him.
Darryl Philbin: That's what we gotta do.
Jim Halpert: We're gonna get him.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.
Clark Green: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours.
Dwight Schrute: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Clark Green: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.
Esther: Dwight, we need to talk.
Dwight Schrute: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.
Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.
Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back.
Dwight Schrute: That snake!
Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.
Dwight Schrute: That shady grove out by Willard's pond.
Dwight Schrute: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?
Esther: Of course. (laughs) You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) No!
Clark Green: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?
Dwight Schrute: Post hole digging. (points and laughs with Esther)
The Senator: (On speakerphone) You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. (beep)
Angela & Oscar: Hi honey!
Angela Martin: No you go. Hi honey!
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Hey Robert!
Angela Martin: It's Angela and Oscar.
Angela Martin: Just a few quick things.
Oscar Martinez: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos.
Angela Martin: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.
Oscar Martinez: Very much so.
Oscar Martinez: Absolutely.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.
Angela Martin: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it.
Oscar Martinez: I think that's it!
Angela Martin: I think we're good.
Angela Martin: Love you! (Oscar hangs up) God.
Andy Bernard: (on video) Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. (plays banjo, screen types out “you suck my nutz” from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie)
Nellie Bertram: Good night Andy.
Andy Bernard: Huh? Yeah, see ya. (sees comment) Oh! What?! (starts crying)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 18 season 9. Promos is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.