Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Promos

Vol. 9 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

The Dunder Mifflin crew gets a rude awakening when the documentary promos drop and they realize those parabolic mics caught every secret. You'll find the full script and every awkward line right here, including Ryan Howard's 'Big Piece' movie pitch and Angela's panic over her secret affair. It turns out nine years of footage means no privacy, even in the warehouse.

Scene 01

1 line
Kevin Malone
Uh oh. She's doing it again.

Scene 02

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um...
Clark Green
It's porn.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.

Scene 03

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively) Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.
Phyllis Vance
Why?
Darryl Philbin
Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public.
Pam Beesly
Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.
Meredith Palmer
Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.
Group
Ugh. Ew.

Scene 04

15 lines
Andy Bernard
What?
Dwight Schrute
Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak.
Angela Martin
Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Toby Flenderson
He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.
Group
No!
Oscar Martinez
Toby, how do you propose that we-
Andy Bernard
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?
Pam Beesly
She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Andy Bernard
Well there you go. That's muy caliente.
Dwight Schrute
OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. (walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis)
Phyllis Vance
What the hell?!
Dwight Schrute
It's OK guys, she's no longer horny.
Andy Bernard
Excuse me, dirty birdie (takes Phyllis' iPod)
Phyllis Vance
Wait, what?
Andy Bernard
You can have this back at the end of the day. (cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him) Oh!!

Scene 05

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Clark Green
What's her name?
Dwight Schrute
Esther Ruger. (Angela makes a face in the background)
Clark Green
Sweet.
Dwight Schrute
Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Clark Green
Oh yeah. Keep talkin'.
Dwight Schrute
Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Clark Green
Oh.
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) What do you think?
Clark Green
The same thing that you think.
Dwight Schrute
A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Clark Green
God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.
Angela Martin
Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes.

Scene 06

1 line
Angela Martin
Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! (laughs)

Scene 07

17 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week.
Jim Halpert
Oh man. (laughs)
Pam Beesly
I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'.
Jim Halpert
Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) Um.
Jim Halpert
What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?
Pam Beesly
You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?
Jim Halpert
Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman.
Pam Beesly
Oh, oh OK.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Um, Ok. Well?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, sounds good. Ok.
Jim Halpert
Ok great.
Pam Beesly
Ok.
Jim Halpert
Bye.
Pam Beesly
Bye.

Scene 08

5 lines
Kevin Malone
(Meredith laughs) What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?
Oscar Martinez
There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Phyllis Vance
Play it again.
Promo Voice
(Music begins, Michael Scott is shown) The boss. (Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past) The workers. (Ryan and Michael are shown) The lives. (Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown) The loves. (More flashback clips) The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.
Kevin Malone
Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.

Scene 09

1 line
Kevin Malone
This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.

Scene 10

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight) Did you see this? (lifts monitor in her direction)
Angela Martin
Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer.

Scene 11

5 lines
Clark Green
(Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof) Oh my god, is that you and Jim?
Pam Beesly
Uh huh.
Clark Green
Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? (laughs) Yikes. That is awful.
Pam Beesly
It wasn't so bad.
Andy Bernard
Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. “Banjo at 0:19 is aight” Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?

Scene 12

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Ryan Howard
Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, man. Darryl.
Ryan Howard
Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. (to camera) Eat Fresh.
Jim Halpert
Let's go to the conference room.

Scene 13

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Angela Martin
I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Dwight Schrute
Did I tell you about her teeth?
Erin Hannon
Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
Angela Martin
Yes.

Scene 14

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome.
Mr. Ruger
Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Esther
Thank you. (Dwight kisses her forehead)

Scene 15

1 line
Angela Martin
I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing.

Scene 16

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.
Stanley Hudson
(eating soft pretzel) We've all changed.

Scene 17

21 lines
Jim Halpert
With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Darryl Philbin
And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Ryan Howard
I look at these actors on TV and I think: “C'mon, I can do that.”
Jim Halpert
Right? (laughs)
Ryan Howard
Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Darryl Philbin
Subway sandwiches.
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Ryan Howard
How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Ryan Howard
I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called “The Big Piece”
Jim Halpert
Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Ryan Howard
Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Jim Halpert
OK
Ryan Howard
-hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece.
Darryl Philbin
The space dust does it.
Jim Halpert
Space dust.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Ryan Howard
I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Jim Halpert
Sure, yeah. (laughs) Hollywood. (Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts) Alright.
Darryl Philbin
Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.
Jim Halpert
Ok, great.

Scene 18

7 lines
Kevin Malone
Andy, are there documentary groupies?
Andy Bernard
Of course there are!
Kevin Malone
Of course.
Toby Flenderson
A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel (groups groans) was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I don't care.
Oscar Martinez
Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Pam Beesly
Oh my god!

Scene 19

10 lines
Promo Announcer
(Speaks Danish)
Kevin Malone
What was that word they said when they showed me “Skrald mand”? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? (Oscar looks it up)
Oscar Martinez
Dumpster Man.
Kevin Malone
Cool. Superhero.
Angela Martin
What about me? “Klokken tre pige”
Oscar Martinez
“Three PM Girl”
Angela Martin
What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? (pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex) Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!
Oscar Martinez
It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.
Phyllis Vance
Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?
Angela Martin
Oh my god. (All look at camera horrified)

Scene 20

11 lines
Angela Martin
There was much more secret filming than I expected. (laughs) But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.
Oscar Martinez
Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.
Meredith Palmer
I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? (lifts shirt to flash camera) Boob sauce!
Group
No!
Oscar Martinez
Meredith!
Angela Martin
Come on!
Nellie Bertram
Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?
Oscar Martinez
Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Angela Martin
Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.

Scene 21

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?

Scene 22

16 lines
Andy Bernard
People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: “You guys are killing it!” I mean, we're internet sensations guys!
Angela Martin
I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.
Stanley Hudson
Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. (groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something)
Oscar Martinez
Ok everyone, turn off your mikes.
Angela Martin
We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Erin Hannon
I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Nellie Bertram
My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more (Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces) I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone.
Pete Miller
Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got.
Pam Beesly
Brian?
Pete Miller
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I guess I could.
Stanley Hudson
Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me.
Phyllis Vance
I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?
Stanley Hudson
She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.
Group
Oh!
Meredith Palmer
Wow.

Scene 23

9 lines
Clark Green
Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do?
Ruger Sister 1
That manipulates the secondary shaft.
Clark Green
Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! (laughs)
Salesmen
The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets.
Mr. Ruger
Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns.
Dwight Schrute
Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal.
Mr. Ruger
Esther, get in the truck.
Dwight Schrute
Ok ok ok, wait! You win. (shakes hands)
Salesman
Let's get the paperwork started.

Scene 24

3 lines
Ruger Sister 2
We should buy an auger together.
Clark Green
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Ruger Sister 1
You would be a great one to buy an auger with.

Scene 25

1 line
Stanley Hudson
(on phone) Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring.

Scene 26

1 line
Andy Bernard
Oh! Seven new comments. “The guy at 0:19 is hawt!” (typing) “Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!”(reading) “He's not hawt, he's gay.” (typing) “Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.” (reading) “He is hawt!” See, thank you, that's more like it. “He is butt.” God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!

Scene 27

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
Security deposit. That's been-
Mr. Ruger
Standard.
Dwight Schrute
Right, standard.
Clark Green
Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Clark Green
One second.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Clark Green
One second.
Dwight Schrute
I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark Green
Don't do it. (takes Dwight's pen)
Dwight Schrute
What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark Green
Dude, we're being conned.
Dwight Schrute
Go on.
Clark Green
These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Clark Green
Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight Schrute
What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark Green
I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight Schrute
No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.
Mr. Ruger
Hey, you ready to sign?
Dwight Schrute
I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. (grabs Clark)

Scene 28

14 lines
Brian
Oh, hey!
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Brian
Hi. (laughs)
Pam Beesly
Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time?
Brian
No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this-
Pam Beesly
Oh my gosh, please, don't.
Brian
Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. (laughs) Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there.
Pam Beesly
Sure, yeah. Yeah.
Brian
Let me grab a couple drinks.
Pam Beesly
OK. (Goes out onto terrace) Oh wow, you have a nice view.
Brian
Alright, that's for you. (hands her beer)
Pam Beesly
Oh, thank you.
Brian
Cheers.
Pam Beesly
Cheers.

Scene 29

14 lines
Angela Martin
(Plays boom box to drown out sound) Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?
Oscar Martinez
They caught us kissing on Halloween.
Angela Martin
Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! (Slaps Oscar)
Oscar Martinez
Oh!
Angela Martin
God!
Oscar Martinez
Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!
Angela Martin
Oh! (slaps him again) Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.
Oscar Martinez
Well, I don't like giving him bad news.
Angela Martin
Call him!
Oscar Martinez
You call him!
Angela Martin
Call him! (hits Oscar)
Oscar Martinez
Stop hitting me!
Angela Martin
Call him! Call him!
Oscar Martinez
No!

Scene 30

31 lines
Brian
So...
Pam Beesly
So..
Brian
What brings you by?
Pam Beesly
Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.
Brian
Oh yeah, that's right.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. It's kinda crazy.
Brian
Yeah, it is.
Pam Beesly
See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?
Brian
Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, wasn't that neat?
Brian
Yeah, it was cool.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed?
Brian
Um...
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-
Brian
No no, it's-
Pam Beesly
I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and....I don't know, am I crazy?
Brian
No, you're not crazy.
Pam Beesly
Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. (Brian laughs) Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-
Brian
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much.
Brian
They want to know how much what?
Pam Beesly
How much stuff you got.
Brian
Pretty much everything.
Pam Beesly
Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs?
Brian
They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you.
Pam Beesly
So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
Brian
That's not really true, I mean-
Pam Beesly
Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go.
Brian
Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better.
Pam Beesly
No I think you explained it.
Brian
Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- (Pam leaves) Pam.

Scene 31

25 lines
Jim Halpert
“Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.”
Ryan Howard
That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.
Jim Halpert
Smart.
Ryan Howard
“Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.”
Jim Halpert
“Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.”
Ryan Howard
Come on man, sell it!
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, Jim.
Jim Halpert
(louder) “Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!”
Ryan Howard
Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: “Oh yeah!”
Jim Halpert
“Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.”
Ryan Howard
“They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.”
Jim Halpert
Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends.
Darryl Philbin
It's so strong.
Ryan Howard
Keep reading then.
Jim Halpert
“Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.”
Ryan Howard
Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
Jim Halpert
I don't know how we'd go about doing that.
Darryl Philbin
We can look into it.
Jim Halpert
We'll look into it.
Ryan Howard
We need Darth.
Jim Halpert
We gotta get him.
Darryl Philbin
We'll go after Darth then.
Jim Halpert
We're gonna go get him.
Darryl Philbin
That's what we gotta do.
Jim Halpert
We're gonna get him.

Scene 32

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.
Clark Green
A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours.
Dwight Schrute
Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Clark Green
Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.
Dwight Schrute
By hand.
Esther
Dwight, we need to talk.
Dwight Schrute
I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.
Esther
Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Esther
So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back.
Dwight Schrute
That snake!
Esther
You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.
Dwight Schrute
That shady grove out by Willard's pond.
Esther
Mmhm.
Dwight Schrute
So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?
Esther
Of course. (laughs) You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) No!
Clark Green
Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?
Dwight Schrute
Post hole digging. (points and laughs with Esther)
Esther
Stupid.

Scene 33

22 lines
The Senator
(On speakerphone) You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. (beep)
Angela & Oscar
Hi honey!
Oscar Martinez
Oh you?
Angela Martin
No you go. Hi honey!
Oscar Martinez
Hey, Hey Robert!
Angela Martin
It's Angela and Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
Hey.
Angela Martin
Just a few quick things.
Oscar Martinez
Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos.
Angela Martin
Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.
Oscar Martinez
Very much so.
Angela Martin
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
Absolutely.
Angela Martin
Yeah!
Oscar Martinez
Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.
Angela Martin
Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it.
Oscar Martinez
I think that's it!
Angela Martin
I think we're good.
Oscar Martinez
Done!
Angela Martin
Bye!
Oscar Martinez
Ok!
Angela Martin
Love you! (Oscar hangs up) God.

Scene 34

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(on video) Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. (plays banjo, screen types out “you suck my nutz” from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie)
Nellie Bertram
Good night Andy.
Andy Bernard
Huh? Yeah, see ya. (sees comment) Oh! What?! (starts crying)

Scene 35

2 lines
Promo Announcer
(Speaks Danish)
Pam Beesly
I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. (at computer opens translator. Types in “Elskere” which comes back as “lovers” Pam smiles)