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Season 9 Episode 19

Every line from The Office episode "Stairmageddon", season 9 episode 19.

Stanley Hudson: (humming) What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.
Erin Hannon: Didn’t you get the memo? It’s Stairmageddon! (claps and opens the door to the stairwell) Come on Stanley! (claps)
Erin Hannon:  Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It’s a… “Mageddon!”
Erin Hannon: Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!
Stanley Hudson:  (growls) I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they’re making me climb Stair Mountain!
Erin Hannon:  Come on! (claps)
Oscar Martinez: Our office has an unusually large number of… unusually large people.
Stanley Hudson: This is an abomination.
Erin Hannon: Come on. You got this. Here.
Oscar Martinez: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.
Andy Bernard: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.
Oscar Martinez: What?
Andy Bernard: I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times There’s a review of the documentary!
Phyllis Vance: (gasps) What does it say?
Andy Bernard: I don’t know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, “Red Alert.”
Dwight Schrute: Well, the alert was already set to “Red” because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to “Double Red”?
Andy Bernard:   I think we should.
Stanley Hudson: (drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans)
Oscar Martinez: “The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton’s own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!”
Everyone: Whoo! (applause)
Nellie Bertram: “In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There’s Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.”
Dwight Schrute: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news…thing.
Nellie Bertram: “Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.”
Phyllis Vance: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that’s-.
Andy Bernard: It’s okay. (chuckles) The hell does he know?
Nellie Bertram: “A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.”
Andy Bernard: I want you to print that out for me.
Nellie Bertram: I will.
Andy Bernard: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation’s Lisa Loeb.
Erin Hannon: “Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.”
Nellie Bertram: Oh! Which public figure?
Erin Hannon: I bet it’s Katie Couric. I’ve been saying this for years.
Phyllis Vance: No, I think they mean more like a politician.
Stanley Hudson: (walks into the office grunting and wheezing) You own the building. Why can’t you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
Dwight Schrute: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could’ve met in the lobby. It’s time to go out on a sale! Here we go.
Stanley Hudson: Son, you’ve lost your mind. I’m not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
Dwight Schrute: The buyer is your sister’s friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that’s an order.
Stanley Hudson: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.
Pete Miller: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.
Pam Beesly: Well, we won’t be late. I love you, mom. Thanks.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, your mom’s watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? (chuckles) Oh, um, Embassy Suites. “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.
Pam Beesly:   (laughs) I wish.
Nellie Bertram: (chuckles) What, then?
Pam Beesly: Oh, nothing that exciting.
Nellie Bertram: Marriage counseling?
Pam Beesly: Hmm.
Nellie Bertram: Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?
Pam Beesly: You know, Jim’s kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.
Nellie Bertram: Mmm.
Pam Beesly: I mean, we’ve having issues. It can’t hurt to talk about them, right?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, sure.
Jim Halpert: It’s a little, uh, personal.
Toby Flenderson: Let’s do it. Let’s get personal.
Jim Halpert: I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.
Toby Flenderson: Whoa.
Jim Halpert: Sorry. I—no, no, no, what I meant—what I meant actually was—
Toby Flenderson: Oh, yeah, no, it’s okay. I can handle it. Um, so…
Jim Halpert: You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.
Toby Flenderson: (chuckles, snorts)
Jim Halpert: Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple’s counseling.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren’t in couple’s counseling, are you? Oh, God.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we’re just starting couple’s counseling. Uh, which doesn’t sound any better.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s—hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here.
Clark Green: My mistake.
Toby Flenderson: Yes, it is your mistake. He’s lingering. So annoying. I’m gonna kill him. How can I help? I’m here.
Jim Halpert: That’s all right.
Andy Bernard: Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I’ll hold. I’m sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. (hangs up phone)
Angela Martin: Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. (Stan closes limo door) Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
Robert California: Don’t worry. I’ve scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
Angela Martin: All right, if I have to be the good wife, I’ll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I’m a better wife than that. (sighs)
Dwight Schrute: Andy—(knocks) I need to talk to you.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, come on in. I’m just on hold with another talent agency. It’s insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there’s more. 251. 252. I can’t even keep up!
Dwight Schrute: Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
Andy Bernard: (grunts intensely) I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That’s final.
Dwight Schrute: So what I’m hearing you say is, “Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible”?
Andy Bernard: Yes! I’m sorry I’m being curt, it’s just I’m about to land a top talent agent.
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hmm. Good luck.
Andy Bernard: (on the phone) Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.
Dwight Schrute: For five years I’ve held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it’s time for me to just let that thought go. It’s kind of painful, but it’s also freeing in a way. Now it’s all about my instincts.
Clark Green: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.
Stanley Hudson: Pass.
Clark Green: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Dwight Schrute: Don’t worry, it’s just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It’s just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.
Stanley Hudson: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha—
Dwight Schrute: (fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley)
Clark Green: Holy (bleep).
Stanley Hudson: No, you didn’t. Sick of you and your—ooh—
Dwight Schrute: (fires tranquilizer gun twice)
Stanley Hudson: (falls to the floor with a loud thud)
Dwight Schrute: It’s all right. Andy approved it.
Meredith Palmer: Man, he’s really in twinkle town now.
Clark Green: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren’t those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley’s got way more body fat than they do.
Clark Green: You gave him three shots.
Dwight Schrute: Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. (claps) Grab his feet. (grunts) Let’s go!
Clark Green: All right.
Dwight Schrute: Move it! One, two, three. (grunts)
Dwight Schrute: He’s like a manatee. Ready? Let’s go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! (Stanley’s head hits the door frame) Oh, God.  No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.
Clark Green: We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: (grunts) Okay, we’re good. We’re good. Let’s go. Push!
Clark Green: I am!
Clark Green: Any good weekend plans?
Dwight Schrute: I might see a movie.
Clark Green: Nice.
Dwight Schrute: What about you?
Clark Green: Uh, I don’t know yet.
Dwight Schrute: (grunts) Let’s take him—
Clark Green: I was thinking about…
Dwight Schrute: Let’s go right to the top of the stairs, okay?
Clark Green: And then what?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, listen. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve never actually done this before.
Clark Green: Well, if I may, you’re a natural.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. I mean, I’ve rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh…
Clark Green: That’s a little weird.
Dwight Schrute: I know. Evel Knievel.
Dwight Schrute: (wraps tape around Stanley’s body)
Clark Green: (connect helmet straps around Stanley’s head) That’s about as good as that’s gonna be.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, now here’s the plan. I’m gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him.
Clark Green: Catch?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Clark Green: I can’t catch him. He’s like, 250 pounds.
Dwight Schrute: You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He’s gonna be moving slowly. It’s only—
Clark Green: Blunt?
Dwight Schrute: It’s 15 feet down, it’s at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it’s like your catching a medicine—
Clark Green: Dude, this size of my haunches— (Stanley’s body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall)
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.
Clark Green: We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.
Dwight Schrute: (slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley) You okay?
Jim Halpert: So how does it work? It’s like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or…
Toby Flenderson: You’re really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Toby Flenderson: He might start by asking each of you, “Why do you think you’re here?”
Pam Beesly: He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that.
Jim Halpert: If I didn’t do certain things without telling Pam, she’d be married to Roy. (chuckles)
Pam Beesly: I feel like he’s always making these decisions for the family, and then I’m left playing catch-up.
Jim Halpert: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I—this will be so huge for our family.
Toby Flenderson: Well, what’s a little while?
Jim Halpert: What do you mean?
Toby Flenderson: I mean, what’s the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn’t know when it’s gonna end.
Jim Halpert: That’s kind of an impossible question.
Erin Hannon: Oh, guys, it’s starting! Hurry!
Kevin Malone: Ooh, there’s Angela! I work with her!
Andy Bernard: Huh, yeah. (chuckles) I mean, I’m happy Angela’s the first one getting famous, but it’s a little weird, no? I mean, she can’t sing or act, so it’s actually kind of insane, if you think about it.
Phyllis Vance: Her hair looks beautiful.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin’ movie star! (kicks trash can)
Erin Hannon: Andy!
Robert California: (on the computer screen) I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest… I am gay.
Crowd: (surprised chatter)
Reporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?
Reporter #2: Question for the Senator’s beard.
Robert California: (on the computer screen) I’ll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
Pete Miller: Poor Angela.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah. Poor Angela.
Robert California: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn’t until my marriage to Angela that I realized how…charmless I find the female body.
Meredith Palmer: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.
Robert California: There’s someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Andy Bernard: Come on!
Robert California: Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time—
Erin Hannon: Oscar is with the Senator too?
Kevin Malone: Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn’t know, you didn’t know, and you didn’t freaking know. But I knew! (claps)
Oscar Martinez: He knew!
Kevin Malone: Yes, we did it!
Oscar Martinez: You did it, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it.
Robert California: --with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing… Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
Oscar Martinez: What?!
Creed Bratton: Wesley Silver’s gay?
Crowd: (surprised chatter)
Angela Martin: (gasps)
Kevin Malone: Ohh.
Creed Bratton: They make a nice couple.
Angela Martin: (gags)
Dwight Schrute: Almost there. Almost there. (opens car door) Okay. We’re running late. Let’s get him inside.
Clark Green: We can’t just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Dwight Schrute: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that’s stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Clark Green: That’s actually really smart.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Clark Green: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
Dwight Schrute: Let’s get him inside.
Andy Bernard: Carla Fern is not just an actor’s agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.
Andy Bernard: Actor?
Man: Oh, no. (chuckles) Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?
Man: Eh, you go through a lot of mice.
Man: If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second.
Andy Bernard: Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Man: Yeah. Little hat.
Andy Bernard: Aw, that’s cute.
Man: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: What’s the mouse’s name?
Man: Eh, you know, it really doesn’t make sense to name the mice. They’re kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You’re not one of those PETA guys , are you? (cat jumps off dog) Oh, great.
Clark Green: Hey, wait, wait, how—how are we doing this?
Dwight Schrute: Well, I’ll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.
Clark Green: Just say “arms” and “legs,” okay? That just—that’s the vernacular that I’m comfortable with.
Dwight Schrute: Fine, let’s go. (grunts)
Clark Green: (sighs)
Dwight Schrute: Hoist his shank on three.
Clark Green: Wha—What’s a shank?
Dwight Schrute: It’s by the tenderloin.
Dwight Schrute: Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he’s slouching. Okay, can you—sl-slouch him into the seat. (sighs) Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. (grunts)
Clark Green: All right.
Dwight Schrute: Got it?
Clark Green: Yeah—yup yup.
Dwight Schrute: (grunts and closes car door) Get in the back.
Clark Green: What?
Dwight Schrute: Get in the back.
Clark Green: Aw, come on.
Dwight Schrute: Get in.
Clark Green: Damn it.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we’re about to do?
Stanley Hudson: Helllloooo!
Clark Green: Okay. We, hey—hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?
Stanley Hudson: Pigeons.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we’ve got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
Clark Green: Isn’t the client, like, best friends with his sister?
Dwight Schrute: New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let’s go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let’s go.
Pam Beesly: I’m sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don’t want him to do it anymore, and I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.
Jim Halpert: Well, if Pam says she won’t go, then—(chuckles) we’re gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.
Nellie Bertram: That was exhausting.
Toby Flenderson: Blah blah blah blah. Jim.
Nellie Bertram: Well, they deserve each other, then.
Toby Flenderson: They do. That they do.
Nellie Bertram: That is for sure.
Toby Flenderson: (whispers) That they do.
Dwight Schrute: And for—oh, whoopsie daisy. (chuckles)
Mrs. Davis: Stanley, what is going on here?
Dwight Schrute: He’s fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Clark Green: Driving.
Dwight Schrute: It’s a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we’re talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Ooh-hoo, look at that baby…
Dwight Schrute: Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: Ohhh…
Mrs. Davis: That’s Benji in the middle.
Stanley Hudson: That’s Benji. Oh, he’s precious. That’s a healthy-looking baby.
Mrs. Davis: Very special little boy.
Dwight Schrute: Look at him. I’ve never seen such a beautiful child.
Mrs. Davis: Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he’ll go, “eee.”
Dwight Schrute: Like this? Watch.
Stanley Hudson: Eee.
Everyone: (laughs)
Mrs. Davis: Like that.
Stanley Hudson: A beautiful family.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) Right? Come on!             
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, maybe I’ll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it’s the most pleasant I’ve ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.
Carla: So, what can you do?
Andy Bernard: (Australian accent) Well, what can’t I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve got a pretty good British accent.
Carla: Can you drive a car?
Andy Bernard: At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
Carla: Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?
Andy Bernard: My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal’s going out on.
Carla: Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
Andy Bernard: : Yes. And yes. (chuckles)
Carla: Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid’s party, let ‘em throw pies at ya?
Andy Bernard: Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. (sniffs) I’m all for it.
Carla: Well, Mr. Bernard, I’m gonna be honest with you.
Andy Bernard: Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.
Carla: Uh, no. We’re—we’re gonna take you on as a client.
Andy Bernard: You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.
Carla: We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out.
Andy Bernard: Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.
Todd Packer: Uh, it doesn’t include headshots.
Andy Bernard: It doesn’t include headshots.
Todd Packer: No.
Andy Bernard: Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.
Stanley Hudson: So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?
Dwight Schrute: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn’t even know it. I’ll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. (chuckles) Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, no, I’m not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.
Dwight Schrute: Well—no, no—n—
Stanley Hudson: (stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground)
Dwight Schrute: (stomps on the ground) We need a winch and a hoist.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 9. Stairmageddon is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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