Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Stairmageddon

Vol. 9 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

Here's everything that went down when Dwight declared Stairmageddon and resorted to bull tranquilizers to move a stubborn Stanley. You'll find every line from the episode, including the fallout from the Senator’s press conference and Andy's desperate quest for fame. It's the best way to catch all the jokes from this late-season classic.

Scene 01

2 lines
Stanley Hudson
(humming) What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.
Erin Hannon
Didn’t you get the memo? It’s Stairmageddon! (claps and opens the door to the stairwell) Come on Stanley! (claps)

Scene 02

1 line
Erin Hannon
 Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It’s a… “Mageddon!”

Scene 03

3 lines
Erin Hannon
Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!
Stanley Hudson
 (growls) I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they’re making me climb Stair Mountain!
Erin Hannon
 Come on! (claps)

Scene 04

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Our office has an unusually large number of… unusually large people.

Scene 05

2 lines
Stanley Hudson
This is an abomination.
Erin Hannon
Come on. You got this. Here.

Scene 06

1 line
Oscar Martinez
So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Scene 07

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.
Oscar Martinez
What?
Andy Bernard
I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There’s a review of the documentary!
Phyllis Vance
(gasps) What does it say?
Andy Bernard
I don’t know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, “Red Alert.”
Dwight Schrute
Well, the alert was already set to “Red” because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to “Double Red”?
Andy Bernard
  I think we should.

Scene 08

1 line
Stanley Hudson
(drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans)

Scene 09

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
“The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton’s own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!”
Everyone
Whoo! (applause)
Nellie Bertram
“In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There’s Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.”

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news…thing.

Scene 11

6 lines
Nellie Bertram
“Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.”
Phyllis Vance
Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that’s-.
Andy Bernard
It’s okay. (chuckles) The hell does he know?
Nellie Bertram
“A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.”
Andy Bernard
I want you to print that out for me.
Nellie Bertram
I will.

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation’s Lisa Loeb.

Scene 13

10 lines
Erin Hannon
“Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.”
Nellie Bertram
Oh! Which public figure?
Erin Hannon
I bet it’s Katie Couric. I’ve been saying this for years.
Phyllis Vance
No, I think they mean more like a politician.
Stanley Hudson
(walks into the office grunting and wheezing) You own the building. Why can’t you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
Dwight Schrute
Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could’ve met in the lobby. It’s time to go out on a sale! Here we go.
Stanley Hudson
Son, you’ve lost your mind. I’m not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
Dwight Schrute
The buyer is your sister’s friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that’s an order.
Stanley Hudson
You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.
Pete Miller
Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.

Scene 14

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Well, we won’t be late. I love you, mom. Thanks.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, your mom’s watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? (chuckles) Oh, um, Embassy Suites. “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.
Pam Beesly
  (laughs) I wish.
Nellie Bertram
(chuckles) What, then?
Pam Beesly
Oh, nothing that exciting.

Scene 15

6 lines
Nellie Bertram
Marriage counseling?
Pam Beesly
Hmm.
Nellie Bertram
Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?
Pam Beesly
You know, Jim’s kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.
Nellie Bertram
Mmm.
Pam Beesly
I mean, we’ve having issues. It can’t hurt to talk about them, right?

Scene 16

17 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, sure.
Jim Halpert
It’s a little, uh, personal.
Toby Flenderson
Let’s do it. Let’s get personal.
Jim Halpert
I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.
Toby Flenderson
Whoa.
Jim Halpert
Sorry. I—no, no, no, what I meant—what I meant actually was—
Toby Flenderson
Oh, yeah, no, it’s okay. I can handle it. Um, so…
Jim Halpert
You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.
Toby Flenderson
(chuckles, snorts)
Jim Halpert
Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple’s counseling.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren’t in couple’s counseling, are you? Oh, God.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we’re just starting couple’s counseling. Uh, which doesn’t sound any better.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s—hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here.
Clark Green
My mistake.
Toby Flenderson
Yes, it is your mistake. He’s lingering. So annoying. I’m gonna kill him. How can I help? I’m here.
Jim Halpert
That’s all right.

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I’ll hold. I’m sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. (hangs up phone)

Scene 18

3 lines
Angela Martin
Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. (Stan closes limo door) Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
Robert California
Don’t worry. I’ve scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
Angela Martin
All right, if I have to be the good wife, I’ll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I’m a better wife than that. (sighs)

Scene 19

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Andy—(knocks) I need to talk to you.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, come on in. I’m just on hold with another talent agency. It’s insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there’s more. 251. 252. I can’t even keep up!
Dwight Schrute
Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
Andy Bernard
(grunts intensely) I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That’s final.
Dwight Schrute
So what I’m hearing you say is, “Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible”?
Andy Bernard
Yes! I’m sorry I’m being curt, it’s just I’m about to land a top talent agent.
Dwight Schrute
Mm-hmm. Good luck.
Andy Bernard
(on the phone) Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
For five years I’ve held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it’s time for me to just let that thought go. It’s kind of painful, but it’s also freeing in a way. Now it’s all about my instincts.

Scene 21

12 lines
Clark Green
Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.
Stanley Hudson
Pass.
Clark Green
Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Dwight Schrute
Don’t worry, it’s just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It’s just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.
Stanley Hudson
Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha—
Dwight Schrute
(fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley)
Clark Green
Holy (bleep).
Stanley Hudson
No, you didn’t. Sick of you and your—ooh—
Dwight Schrute
(fires tranquilizer gun twice)
Stanley Hudson
(falls to the floor with a loud thud)
Dwight Schrute
It’s all right. Andy approved it.

Scene 22

7 lines
Meredith Palmer
Man, he’s really in twinkle town now.
Clark Green
Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren’t those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley’s got way more body fat than they do.
Clark Green
You gave him three shots.
Dwight Schrute
Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. (claps) Grab his feet. (grunts) Let’s go!
Clark Green
All right.
Dwight Schrute
Move it! One, two, three. (grunts)

Scene 23

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
He’s like a manatee. Ready? Let’s go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! (Stanley’s head hits the door frame) Oh, God.  No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.
Clark Green
We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.

Scene 24

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(grunts) Okay, we’re good. We’re good. Let’s go. Push!
Clark Green
I am!

Scene 25

14 lines
Clark Green
Any good weekend plans?
Dwight Schrute
I might see a movie.
Clark Green
Nice.
Dwight Schrute
What about you?
Clark Green
Uh, I don’t know yet.
Dwight Schrute
(grunts) Let’s take him—
Clark Green
I was thinking about…
Dwight Schrute
Let’s go right to the top of the stairs, okay?
Clark Green
And then what?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, listen. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve never actually done this before.
Clark Green
Well, if I may, you’re a natural.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. I mean, I’ve rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh…
Clark Green
That’s a little weird.
Dwight Schrute
I know. Evel Knievel.

Scene 26

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(wraps tape around Stanley’s body)
Clark Green
(connect helmet straps around Stanley’s head) That’s about as good as that’s gonna be.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, now here’s the plan. I’m gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him.
Clark Green
Catch?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Clark Green
I can’t catch him. He’s like, 250 pounds.
Dwight Schrute
You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He’s gonna be moving slowly. It’s only—
Clark Green
Blunt?
Dwight Schrute
It’s 15 feet down, it’s at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it’s like your catching a medicine—
Clark Green
Dude, this size of my haunches— (Stanley’s body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall)
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.
Clark Green
We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.
Dwight Schrute
(slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley) You okay?

Scene 27

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So how does it work? It’s like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or…
Toby Flenderson
You’re really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Toby Flenderson
He might start by asking each of you, “Why do you think you’re here?”

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that.

Scene 29

1 line
Jim Halpert
If I didn’t do certain things without telling Pam, she’d be married to Roy. (chuckles)

Scene 30

1 line
Pam Beesly
I feel like he’s always making these decisions for the family, and then I’m left playing catch-up.

Scene 31

5 lines
Jim Halpert
If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I—this will be so huge for our family.
Toby Flenderson
Well, what’s a little while?
Jim Halpert
What do you mean?
Toby Flenderson
I mean, what’s the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn’t know when it’s gonna end.
Jim Halpert
That’s kind of an impossible question.

Scene 32

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh, guys, it’s starting! Hurry!
Kevin Malone
Ooh, there’s Angela! I work with her!
Andy Bernard
Huh, yeah. (chuckles) I mean, I’m happy Angela’s the first one getting famous, but it’s a little weird, no? I mean, she can’t sing or act, so it’s actually kind of insane, if you think about it.
Phyllis Vance
Her hair looks beautiful.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin’ movie star! (kicks trash can)
Erin Hannon
Andy!
Robert California
(on the computer screen) I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest… I am gay.
Crowd
(surprised chatter)
Reporter #1
Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?
Reporter #2
Question for the Senator’s beard.

Scene 33

22 lines
Robert California
(on the computer screen) I’ll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
Pete Miller
Poor Angela.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah. Poor Angela.
Robert California
I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn’t until my marriage to Angela that I realized how…charmless I find the female body.
Meredith Palmer
Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.
Robert California
There’s someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Andy Bernard
Come on!
Robert California
Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time—
Erin Hannon
Oscar is with the Senator too?
Kevin Malone
Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn’t know, you didn’t know, and you didn’t freaking know. But I knew! (claps)
Oscar Martinez
He knew!
Kevin Malone
Yes, we did it!
Oscar Martinez
You did it, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it.
Robert California
--with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing… Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
Oscar Martinez
What?!
Creed Bratton
Wesley Silver’s gay?
Crowd
(surprised chatter)
Angela Martin
(gasps)
Kevin Malone
Ohh.
Creed Bratton
They make a nice couple.
Angela Martin
(gags)

Scene 34

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Almost there. Almost there. (opens car door) Okay. We’re running late. Let’s get him inside.
Clark Green
We can’t just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Dwight Schrute
Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that’s stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Clark Green
That’s actually really smart.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Clark Green
God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
Dwight Schrute
Let’s get him inside.

Scene 35

1 line
Andy Bernard
Carla Fern is not just an actor’s agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.

Scene 36

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Actor?
Man
Oh, no. (chuckles) Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?
Man
Eh, you go through a lot of mice.

Scene 37

1 line
Man
If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second.

Scene 38

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Man
Yeah. Little hat.
Andy Bernard
Aw, that’s cute.
Man
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
What’s the mouse’s name?
Man
Eh, you know, it really doesn’t make sense to name the mice. They’re kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You’re not one of those PETA guys , are you? (cat jumps off dog) Oh, great.

Scene 39

8 lines
Clark Green
Hey, wait, wait, how—how are we doing this?
Dwight Schrute
Well, I’ll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.
Clark Green
Just say “arms” and “legs,” okay? That just—that’s the vernacular that I’m comfortable with.
Dwight Schrute
Fine, let’s go. (grunts)
Clark Green
(sighs)
Dwight Schrute
Hoist his shank on three.
Clark Green
Wha—What’s a shank?
Dwight Schrute
It’s by the tenderloin.

Scene 40

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he’s slouching. Okay, can you—sl-slouch him into the seat. (sighs) Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. (grunts)
Clark Green
All right.
Dwight Schrute
Got it?
Clark Green
Yeah—yup yup.
Dwight Schrute
(grunts and closes car door) Get in the back.
Clark Green
What?
Dwight Schrute
Get in the back.
Clark Green
Aw, come on.
Dwight Schrute
Get in.
Clark Green
Damn it.

Scene 41

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we’re about to do?
Stanley Hudson
Helllloooo!
Clark Green
Okay. We, hey—hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?
Stanley Hudson
Pigeons.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we’ve got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
Clark Green
Isn’t the client, like, best friends with his sister?
Dwight Schrute
New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let’s go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let’s go.

Scene 42

1 line
Pam Beesly
I’m sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don’t want him to do it anymore, and I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.

Scene 43

1 line
Jim Halpert
Well, if Pam says she won’t go, then—(chuckles) we’re gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.

Scene 44

6 lines
Nellie Bertram
That was exhausting.
Toby Flenderson
Blah blah blah blah. Jim.
Nellie Bertram
Well, they deserve each other, then.
Toby Flenderson
They do. That they do.
Nellie Bertram
That is for sure.
Toby Flenderson
(whispers) That they do.

Scene 45

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
And for—oh, whoopsie daisy. (chuckles)
Mrs. Davis
Stanley, what is going on here?
Dwight Schrute
He’s fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Clark Green
Driving.
Dwight Schrute
It’s a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we’re talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
Ooh-hoo, look at that baby…
Dwight Schrute
Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
Ohhh…
Mrs. Davis
That’s Benji in the middle.
Stanley Hudson
That’s Benji. Oh, he’s precious. That’s a healthy-looking baby.
Mrs. Davis
Very special little boy.
Dwight Schrute
Look at him. I’ve never seen such a beautiful child.
Mrs. Davis
Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he’ll go, “eee.”
Dwight Schrute
Like this? Watch.
Stanley Hudson
Eee.
Everyone
(laughs)
Mrs. Davis
Like that.
Stanley Hudson
A beautiful family.

Scene 46

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) Right? Come on!             

Scene 47

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, maybe I’ll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it’s the most pleasant I’ve ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.
Carla
So, what can you do?
Andy Bernard
(Australian accent) Well, what can’t I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve got a pretty good British accent.
Carla
Can you drive a car?
Andy Bernard
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
Carla
Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?
Andy Bernard
My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal’s going out on.
Carla
Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
Andy Bernard
: Yes. And yes. (chuckles)
Carla
Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid’s party, let ‘em throw pies at ya?
Andy Bernard
Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. (sniffs) I’m all for it.
Carla
Well, Mr. Bernard, I’m gonna be honest with you.
Andy Bernard
Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.
Carla
Uh, no. We’re—we’re gonna take you on as a client.
Andy Bernard
You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.
Carla
We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out.

Scene 48

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.
Todd Packer
Uh, it doesn’t include headshots.
Andy Bernard
It doesn’t include headshots.
Todd Packer
No.
Andy Bernard
Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.

Scene 49

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?
Dwight Schrute
You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn’t even know it. I’ll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. (chuckles) Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, no, I’m not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.
Dwight Schrute
Well—no, no—n—
Stanley Hudson
(stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground)
Dwight Schrute
(stomps on the ground) We need a winch and a hoist.