Every line from The Office episode "Roy's Wedding", season 9 episode 2.
Kevin Malone: (viewing the chore wheel for the first time) Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?
Pam Beesly: Well, it doesn’t spin. We’ll just move the wheel one notch each morning and… you see what chore you get that day.
Kevin Malone: A wheel is supposed to spin.
Erin Hannon: Yeah, you know, like (motions arm in circles) guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh… guh.
Pam Beesly: No, I’m familiar with spinning. It’s just that wouldn’t work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore-
Andy Bernard: (interrupting) Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores.
Creed Bratton: A wheel wants to spin, Pam.
Jim Halpert: (reluctantly) Spinning would be more fun.
Pam Beesly: (frustrated) ‘Kay.
Kevin Malone: (spinning a new ‘chore wheel’ while everyone claps) Okay, that’s what I’m talking about! Big money, big money! (wheel stops on ‘mug duty’, disappointed) Mug duty?
Pam Beesly: Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink.
Kevin Malone: This sucks.
Erin Hannon: Yeah, seriously, it’s like everything on there is work.
Pam Beesly: I don’t think you guys understand why we’re doing this. It’s-
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I don’t think that you understand wheels.
Pam Beesly: I’ve been through several rounds of development with the team and here’s where we stand with the chore wheel. (introducing a third ‘chore wheel’, excited) We’ve got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it’s more fun this way.
Jim Halpert: (at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door) Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma’s got breakfast, OK? (to camera) We are going to Roy’s wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife’s ex-fiancé’s wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it’s your wife’s ex-fiancé.
Pam Beesly: (exiting house) Thanks, mom!
Jim Halpert: (to Pam) A banana?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I’m afraid he’s only gonna have hot dogs.
Jim Halpert: Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding.
Pam Beesly: Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.
Jim Halpert: (to camera) Just… so weird.
Erin Hannon: (as Pete and Clark enter office) Oh, Pete, you’ve got mail.
Pete Miller: Really? I got something?
Erin Hannon: Well, it’s addressed to Customer Service so, it’s your mail.
Clark Green: Well, you know, I’m also Customer Service.
Erin Hannon: Yeah, I’m alternating. (gestures both men)
Pete Miller: (sarcastically) Yay, another person yelling at me.
Erin Hannon: Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time.
Pete Miller: That’s really nice.
Clark Green: (looking down at Erin’s desk) Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election… thing is crazy, right?
Pete Miller: (referring to the letter) It’s open.
Erin Hannon: Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It’s not a nice letter.
Pete Miller: (whispering) OK.
Jim Halpert: (Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue) Is this his house?
Server: (approaching Jim and Pam) Mimosa?
Pam Beesly: (taking glass) Thank you.
Server: Would you like me to take your peel?
Pam Beesly: (embarrassed) Yes, thank you. (finishes banana and hands server the peel)
Pam Beesly: (as Jim receives and declines a call) Who’s that?
Jim Halpert: Uh, my ex-fiancé.
Pam Beesly: (sarcastically) Ha-ha.
Nellie Bertram: With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports.
Kevin Malone: (grinning) Oh boy! What's happening?
Nellie Bertram: There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: American Diabetes Association.
Angela Martin: Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. (to Nellie) I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?
Toby Flenderson: I w-, uh, I would love to give uh-
Kevin Malone: (excited) Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank.
Creed Bratton: I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, what about you?
Dwight Schrute: I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.
Andy Bernard: Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives.
Nellie Bertram: Thank you, Andy.
Andy Bernard: I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, you will be participating.
Dwight Schrute: No thank you.
Nellie Bertram: Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like.
Dwight Schrute: Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation.
Nellie Bertram: Great, thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.
Nellie Bertram: (everyone groans) Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back.
Dwight Schrute: Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome. (wads up Nellie's charity sheet and tosses it toward her)
Jim Halpert: (approaches Roy back at the wedding) There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what?
Roy Anderson: Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It's, everyone's just been so nice.
Jim Halpert: Thanks for inviting us, by the way-
Roy Anderson: Are you kidding?
Jim Halpert: That was, that was a surprise.
Roy Anderson: Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. (sees Jim's reaction) Just kidding.
Jim Halpert: You're welcome.
Roy Anderson: Thanks...aw.
Jim Halpert: By the way, man, this place is... beautiful.
Roy Anderson: Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off?
Jim Halpert: Gravel company?
Roy Anderson: Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Not gravel, obviously. (both chuckle) No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So-
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you never know.
Kenny: Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. (referring to Jim) He's got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers.
Clark Green: (talking on phone) Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. (covers phone's receiver) Erin, do you know anybody that might want... (has realization) Oh my gosh. You love the news, right?
Erin Hannon: Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.
Clark Green: Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind.
Pete Miller: Uh, is it Duncan?
Clark Green: He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape.
Erin Hannon: You mean, put me on the news?
Clark Green: You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. (Erin considers) What do you say? Huh?
Erin Hannon: Maybe, ok? Let me think about it.
Clark Green: (Pete looks on disappointed) Ok.
Clark Green: Think it over. (punches Pete)
Roy Anderson: So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. (approaches piano)
Jim Halpert: He plays piano?
Roy Anderson: You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. (sits in front of piano)
Darryl Philbin: (clapping) You got this, Roy. (Roy begins playing and singing She's Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out)
Pam Beesly: (in the car) We still surprise each other.
Pam Beesly: You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-
Jim Halpert: Courtside seats. Sixers.
Pam Beesly: Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was-
Jim Halpert: It was an away game.
Pam Beesly: In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. (long pause) Do we know everything about each other?
Pam Beesly: Tell me one thing about you I don't know.
Jim Halpert: (laughs) Um, ok. (thinks but says nothing)
Jim Halpert: (in the kitchen) Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-
Pam Beesly: And you thought you guys were millionaires.
Jim Halpert: You heard that one.
Pam Beesly: Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember.
Jim Halpert: That I thought we were millionaires.
Pam Beesly: Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one.
Jim Halpert: That's all right.
Angela Martin: The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. (Oscar chokes on his coffee)
Jim Halpert: You all right? (Oscar nods)
Nellie Bertram: You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.
Dwight Schrute: Anything else would be inconsistent.
Nellie Bertram: Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? (offers Dwight a contract)
Dwight Schrute: (takes contract) Absolutely, I will.
Nellie Bertram: (holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk) Looking for this?
Dwight Schrute: What the? (follows Nellie into the break room)
Nellie Bertram: Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it.
Dwight Schrute: (taking pen back) Gimme that.
Nellie Bertram: Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off.
Dwight Schrute: You're insane.
Nellie Bertram: I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.
Nellie Bertram: In that case, you... (pulls out a cleaver) will have to chop off my hand.
Dwight Schrute: (considers then takes cleaver) This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most.
Nellie Bertram: I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands.
Dwight Schrute: Sounds like a plan.
Andy Bernard: (entering annex) Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?
Clark Green: Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.
Clark Green: Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.
Pete Miller: Seems unnecessary for an audition.
Clark Green: And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so-
Andy Bernard: Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.
Clark Green: I absolutely will do that.
Andy Bernard: Awesome. (to Pete) Plop!
Clark Green: Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits.
Oscar Martinez: (in kitchen with several people around) Next question for our oldie-weds-
Kevin Malone: What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Angela Martin: (to Kevin) Language.
Phyllis Vance: Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?
Oscar Martinez: Pam's first celebrity crush.
Toby Flenderson: (whispering) John Stamos.
Jim Halpert: (as he and Pam flip their cards) John Stamos.
Pam Beesly: Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-
Toby Flenderson: Johnny Depp.
Pam Beesly: Johnny Depp. (everyone looks confused toward Toby)
Toby Flenderson: (after awkward pause) Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp.
Kevin Malone: Totally. George Clooney.
Angela Martin: OK, I have one. I have one. (Jim's phone rings and he motions he's taking the call elsewhere)
Kevin Malone: (while Angela tries asking a question) What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Angela Martin: (as Pam wonders about Jim) Kevin, stop it with that question.
Andy Bernard: (to a full conference room) Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. (general acknowledgement)
Andy Bernard: Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, right?
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?
Oscar Martinez: Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?
Andy Bernard: News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.
Oscar Martinez: I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite.
Meredith Palmer: Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride.
Oscar Martinez: Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or...
Angela Martin: Has she done the pageant circuit?
Erin Hannon: No, I watch the news.
Andy Bernard: She's gonna be amazing. Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen.
Erin Hannon: This is a first for me. And, I don't get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job.
Clark Green: (whispering to Pete) Whatever it takes.
Pete Miller: (whispering) Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard.
Erin Hannon: (pretending to read news) Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren't you glad you waited? Karzai commented.
Darryl Philbin: Um, where did you get that story?
Erin Hannon: A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events.
Andy Bernard: I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name.
Erin Hannon: For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy Bernard: Pause after 'news'.
Erin Hannon: For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy Bernard: No, pause longer.
Darryl Philbin: That was a good one.
Andy Bernard: Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don't be shy.
Erin Hannon: Got it. For Channel 11 news... (very long pause)
Erin Hannon: I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy Bernard: OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there.
Jim Halpert: (as Pam stares at him) I can feel you looking at me.
Pam Beesly: OK. Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago-
Pam Beesly: I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know.
Jim Halpert: (after a pause) That didn't happen. You would've told me right away.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.
Jim Halpert: Uh... (looks at Pam)
Pam Beesly: (looks knowingly back) Just tell me.
Jim Halpert: God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well.
Pete Miller: Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team.
Pete Miller: The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.
Pete Miller: Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera.
Pete Miller: Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. (Andy smiles at camera)
Dwight Schrute: Ha! (raises cleaver) This is for real this time.
Darryl Philbin: It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little (sets up laptop) inspiration.
Nellie Bertram: (Darryl hits play) Oh, a movie. What is this?
Darryl Philbin: 127 hours. It's about this guy who-
Dwight Schrute: No, no. No spoilers. Please.
Darryl Philbin: Goodnight.
Clark Green: (answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete) Hey! Everybody.
Clark Green: (to Pete) What're you doing here?
Pete Miller: Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied.
Erin Hannon: (news anchor audition) The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns.
Andy Bernard: (also as anchor) Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Erin Hannon: Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked.
Andy Bernard: He sure did.
Clark Green: All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody.
Andy Bernard: Just, you sure Clark?
Clark Green: Yep, she's done.
Andy Bernard: No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that.
Clark Green: No, we got it. We got it.
Erin Hannon: Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving.
Andy Bernard: I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing.
Clark Green: OK, I don't.
Andy Bernard: Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?
Pete Miller: Yeah, whatever you say, boss.
Andy Bernard: OK. (to Erin) I'll call you later.
Andy Bernard: (to Clark) So this is a single.
Dwight Schrute: (as he and Nellie watch the movie) Oh god.
Nellie Bertram: That is absolutely revolting!
Nellie Bertram: He is so good, though.
Nellie Bertram: The way he just cuts off his arm.
Dwight Schrute: If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Nellie Bertram: Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time.
Dwight Schrute: Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius.
Nellie Bertram: Well, it doesn't make you stupid.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid.
Nellie Bertram: Stupid like you.
Dwight Schrute: No, like you.
Nellie Bertram: Like you.
Dwight Schrute: You're the stupid one.
Nellie Bertram: You're the stupid one.
Dwight Schrute: You're the stupid one.
Nellie Bertram: You're the stupid one.
Dwight Schrute: You, you, you, you...
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 9. Roy's Wedding is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.