Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Paper Airplane

Vol. 9 · Issue 20Scranton, PA

Watch Dwight and Angela battle it out for two grand in a high-stakes paper airplane contest while Andy tries not to freak out over a chemistry safety video. Every line from the episode is right here, including those intense therapy "opportunities" between Jim and Pam. It's a great way to catch all the "Paper Airplane" quotes and dialogue without having to pause the TV.

Scene 01

6 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh. Hey, champions.
Toby Flenderson
Good morning.
Clark Green
Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.
Erin Hannon
I did. I got some really good sleep.
Clark Green
Did you? (pushes pencil cup at Erin)
Erin Hannon
(grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls) Bzzz.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. (whispers) Practically made of plastic.

Scene 03

1 line
Nellie Bertram
We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill (cut to Kevin flying paper airplane), others relied on showmanship (cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head) others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. (cut to Creed throwing a melon) And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.

Scene 04

5 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. (Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye)
Toby Flenderson
Ow! Ow!
Pam Beesly
I didn't see you! You should have yelled “Crossing!”
Toby Flenderson
(crying) I'm sorry!
Pam Beesly
Ok, so is that my spot?

Scene 05

1 line
Nellie Bertram
We are now down to an elite eight. Well, seven and Toby.

Scene 06

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(Reading from script) Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid!
Darryl Philbin
It does not say dangerous. And there's no exclamation point.
Andy Bernard
Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two.

Scene 08

10 lines
Toby Flenderson
Andy?
Andy Bernard
Go away, we're running lines.
Toby Flenderson
You wanted to see the gooey eye.
Andy Bernard
Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. (moves to lift Toby's eye patch) Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go.
Toby Flenderson
Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, Ok. (Closes door) Alright. Where were we?
Darryl Philbin
Something full of acid.
Andy Bernard
And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.
Darryl Philbin
(claps) That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here.
Andy Bernard
W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times.

Scene 09

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that.
Pam Beesly
Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that.

Scene 10

8 lines
Pam Beesly
So, we had couple's therapy.
Jim Halpert
No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.
Pam Beesly
And we have homework.
Jim Halpert
Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly.
Pam Beesly
And we're also supposed to speak our truths.
Jim Halpert
Mmhm.
Pam Beesly
Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy.
Jim Halpert
Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do “opportunities.”

Scene 11

19 lines
Andy Bernard
Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig.
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Stanley Hudson
Who's Carla Fern?
Andy Bernard
Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator.
Oscar Martinez
Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you.
Andy Bernard
Little raw. Not cool Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
But you just!
Andy Bernard
Not cool.
Nellie Bertram
Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.
Robert California
Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh?
Dwight Schrute
I'm pumped!
Erin Hannon
Clark's a dead man.
Robert California
Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. (holds up large check for $2,000)
Angela Martin
Oh my god!
Group
Whoa.
Angela Martin
Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money.
Nellie Bertram
Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.
Stanley Hudson
Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars.

Scene 12

1 line
Nellie Bertram
I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense.

Scene 13

2 lines
Erin Hannon
Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously.
Nellie Bertram
Oh please. (Dwight watches Angela folding paper airplane)

Scene 14

1 line
Angela Martin
Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine (camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying) for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.

Scene 15

2 lines
Phillip
(cries)
Angela Martin
Come here, come here. Let's go.

Scene 16

1 line
Angela Martin
I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it. And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm, I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer.

Scene 17

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I'm with Esther now. She's younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let's be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent.

Scene 18

2 lines
Clark Green
Oh, wide wings, interesting.
Erin Hannon
Hey. Why don't you back off?(looks at Pete)...I mean best of luck to you in the competition.

Scene 19

1 line
Erin Hannon
Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids. For everything. Snacks, pillows, parents. I'm kinda worried about Pete seeing that side of me. I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head. Just for a handful of Crispix.

Scene 20

5 lines
Carla Fern
Are you in that paper documentary too?
Darryl Philbin
Yep.
Carla Fern
Do you need an agent?
Andy Bernard
No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage.
Darryl Philbin
I was in The Whiz in high school.

Scene 21

2 lines
Andy Bernard
That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says “action.”
Carla Fern
Hey, I made them get you a chair. All my clients sit.

Scene 22

6 lines
Woman
Can I take your picture?
Andy Bernard
I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it-
Woman
We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off.
Andy Bernard
Got it. (lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture)
Woman
No, if you could just keep it down until..
Andy Bernard
Sorry.

Scene 23

14 lines
Nellie Bertram
OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela.
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself?
Kevin Malone
Uh huh.
Dwight Schrute
Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane.
Kevin Malone
Of course.
Nellie Bertram
Kevin, did you make that yourself?
Kevin Malone
Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.
Nellie Bertram
Oh man.
Dwight Schrute
I call for a refold!
Kevin Malone
No.
Angela Martin
Really? (to Dwight) Thank you.
Kevin Malone
This is flatter.
Dwight Schrute
It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.

Scene 24

7 lines
Nellie Bertram
Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one.
Kevin Malone
I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder.
Nellie Bertram
You have to choose one now.
Kevin Malone
Fine. (throws plane, doesn't fly)
Nellie Bertram
Angela advances.
Erin Hannon
Nice.
Dwight Schrute
(clapping) Whoo!

Scene 25

1 line
Angela Martin
Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadn't noticed.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.

Scene 27

4 lines
Jim Halpert
An Earl Grey tea for the lady.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea.
Jim Halpert
Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip.
Pam Beesly
Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture.

Scene 28

12 lines
Director
We are rolling and...action!
Andy Bernard
(Happily) This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.
Producer
Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much?
Andy Bernard
Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.
Director
Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one.
Andy Bernard
So how do you want, how should I do it?
Director
I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok?
Andy Bernard
(ridiculous news voice) This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.
Director
Ok.
Andy Bernard
It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster.
Director
Who was that?
Andy Bernard
Tom Brokaw!

Scene 29

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Come on Clark!
Angela Martin
Come on Clark. (Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther)
Dwight Schrute
Whoa!
Erin Hannon
Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink!
Clark Green
We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil.
Erin Hannon
(Snorts and grunts) I can't hear what you said. (snorting, grunting) You got your slop? (Squeals)
Clark Green
You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won...
Pete Miller
Erin! Erin! Just stop.
Erin Hannon
What?
Pete Miller
Relax.

Scene 30

16 lines
Nellie Bertram
Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis.
Bob Vance & Vance Refrigeration
You can do it baby!
Angela Martin
No you can't baby! (to Dwight, whispers) Good luck.
Dwight Schrute
Watch and learn.
Erin Hannon
Wow.
Group
Oh!
Nellie Bertram
Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Angela Martin
Whoo!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, Esther.
Esther
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
What are you- (Esther kisses him) You're here early.
Esther
Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow.
Dwight Schrute
I like a little feather in my nuggets. (both laugh)
Nellie Bertram
Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars.
Erin Hannon
Yeah!

Scene 31

10 lines
Director
Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye.
Andy Bernard
Which is insanely painful.
Director
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain.
Director
That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright?
Andy Bernard
So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later?
Director
What water special effect?
Producer
Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs.
Andy Bernard
I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I-
Director
Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking.

Scene 32

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Darryl, what do I do?
Darryl Philbin
Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope.
Andy Bernard
They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.
Darryl Philbin
So?
Andy Bernard
I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper.
Production Assistant
So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes.
Andy Bernard
Carla! Carla!

Scene 33

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela.
Angela Martin
(throws plane far) Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. [Toby crumples plane and steps aside.
Nellie Bertram
Well, Angela is the winner.
Angela Martin
Yes!
Esther
(to Dwight) Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?
Dwight Schrute
Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything.
Esther
Oh. Is she a gambler?
Dwight Schrute
In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song.
Esther
Hmm. That is sad.

Scene 34

4 lines
Carla Fern
(grabs Andy by the cheeks) Andy! If you don't stick your eyes in that machine, I'm going to call every production in North Eastern Pennsylvania. You won't even make an appearance on a security camera! (Andy starts to cry)
Producer
What's the hold up here?
Director
The actor's crying.
Producer
Oh god.

Scene 35

4 lines
Andy Bernard
She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.
Darryl Philbin
Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.
Andy Bernard
Do you believe in me?
Darryl Philbin
I believe I want to go home.

Scene 36

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(throws plane far) Yeah! Ok! Beat that! (Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs) Whoo! Ok.
Erin Hannon
Dammit! Dammit, god. (To Pete) Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I’m really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels.
Pete Miller
Yeah. (Erin kicks box) Whoa!
Erin Hannon
Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win!
Pete Miller
Ok (tries to help her) Hey hey hey, whoa.
Erin Hannon
Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just...

Scene 37

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting.
Jim Halpert
Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar.
Pam Beesly
I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar.
Jim Halpert
Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.
Pam Beesly
Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- (Jim's phone rings, he answers)
Jim Halpert
Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good.
Pam Beesly
Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. (Jim hangs up phone) I appreciate the sacrifice.
Jim Halpert
Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair.
Pam Beesly
Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?
Jim Halpert
I guess I will swallow my truth.
Clark Green
Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds.
Pam Beesly
We're not high.

Scene 38

1 line
Pam Beesly
I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up.

Scene 39

1 line
Kevin Malone
The Mark 47 is ready for launch. (throws plane but it sticks to his hand) Less paste.

Scene 40

11 lines
Director
Here we go. Rolling and... action!
Andy Bernard
(doing eyewash) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!
Director
And cut. We can fix the sound in post.
Producer
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
I can do a better one.
Producer
That's fine, we'll move on.
Andy Bernard
I said I can do a better one. Darryl...
Darryl Philbin
Action!
Andy Bernard
(eyewashes again) AHH! AHH! AHH!
Carla Fern
Kid can act!
Andy Bernard
Yeah! Yeah.

Scene 41

11 lines
Nellie Bertram
Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes.
Dwight Schrute
After you.
Angela Martin
Thank you. (plane loops up and falls at her feet) Oh god!
Nellie Bertram
Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(fake throws and drops plane) Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. (Angela smiles)
Esther
We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. (Angela looks disgusted)
Dwight Schrute
Alright.
Angela Martin
Don't you dare tank this. (Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane)
Nellie Bertram
And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over.
Creed Bratton
Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me.
Angela Martin
(To Esther) Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely.

Scene 42

1 line
Angela Martin
I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I don't need pity and I don't need charity. I have my dignity and that's enough. And as long as I have that, I'll be ok.

Scene 43

2 lines
Jim Halpert
I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Ok?
Pam Beesly
Ok. (intense moment where Jim leaves and Pam seems conflicted. She notices his umbrella and runs out to follow him)

Scene 44

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Jim! (hands him umbrella)
Jim Halpert
Thanks.
Pam Beesly
Alright, have a good trip.
Jim Halpert
Bye.
Pam Beesly
Bye. (walks away)
Jim Halpert
Hey! (Runs after her and looks into her eyes) I... (hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back)

Scene 45

1 line
Pastor
(Flashback to Jim & Pam's wedding) Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (Pam hugs Jim back finally) And now these three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (Pam kisses Jim)

Scene 46

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I love you.
Jim Halpert
I love you.