Every line from The Office episode "Paper Airplane", season 9 episode 20.
Erin Hannon: Oh. Hey, champions.
Toby Flenderson: Good morning.
Clark Green: Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.
Erin Hannon: I did. I got some really good sleep.
Clark Green: Did you? (pushes pencil cup at Erin)
Erin Hannon: (grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls) Bzzz.
Toby Flenderson: Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. (Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye)
Pam Beesly: I didn't see you! You should have yelled “Crossing!”
Toby Flenderson: (crying) I'm sorry!
Pam Beesly: Ok, so is that my spot?
Andy Bernard: Go away, we're running lines.
Toby Flenderson: You wanted to see the gooey eye.
Andy Bernard: Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. (moves to lift Toby's eye patch) Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go.
Toby Flenderson: Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, Ok. (Closes door) Alright. Where were we?
Darryl Philbin: Something full of acid.
Andy Bernard: And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.
Darryl Philbin: (claps) That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here.
Andy Bernard: W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times.
Pam Beesly: So, we had couple's therapy.
Jim Halpert: No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.
Pam Beesly: And we have homework.
Jim Halpert: Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly.
Pam Beesly: And we're also supposed to speak our truths.
Pam Beesly: Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do “opportunities.”
Andy Bernard: Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig.
Stanley Hudson: Who's Carla Fern?
Andy Bernard: Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator.
Oscar Martinez: Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you.
Andy Bernard: Little raw. Not cool Oscar.
Oscar Martinez: But you just!
Nellie Bertram: Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.
Robert California: Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh?
Dwight Schrute: I'm pumped!
Erin Hannon: Clark's a dead man.
Robert California: Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. (holds up large check for $2,000)
Angela Martin: Oh my god!
Angela Martin: Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money.
Nellie Bertram: Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.
Stanley Hudson: Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars.
Angela Martin: Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine (camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying) for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.
Carla Fern: Are you in that paper documentary too?
Carla Fern: Do you need an agent?
Andy Bernard: No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage.
Darryl Philbin: I was in The Whiz in high school.
Woman: Can I take your picture?
Andy Bernard: I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it-
Woman: We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off.
Andy Bernard: Got it. (lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture)
Woman: No, if you could just keep it down until..
Nellie Bertram: OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself?
Dwight Schrute: Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane.
Nellie Bertram: Kevin, did you make that yourself?
Kevin Malone: Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.
Dwight Schrute: I call for a refold!
Angela Martin: Really? (to Dwight) Thank you.
Kevin Malone: This is flatter.
Dwight Schrute: It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.
Nellie Bertram: Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one.
Kevin Malone: I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder.
Nellie Bertram: You have to choose one now.
Kevin Malone: Fine. (throws plane, doesn't fly)
Nellie Bertram: Angela advances.
Dwight Schrute: (clapping) Whoo!
Jim Halpert: An Earl Grey tea for the lady.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea.
Jim Halpert: Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip.
Pam Beesly: Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture.
Director: We are rolling and...action!
Andy Bernard: (Happily) This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.
Producer: Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much?
Andy Bernard: Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.
Director: Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one.
Andy Bernard: So how do you want, how should I do it?
Director: I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok?
Andy Bernard: (ridiculous news voice) This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.
Andy Bernard: It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster.
Andy Bernard: Tom Brokaw!
Dwight Schrute: Come on Clark!
Angela Martin: Come on Clark. (Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther)
Erin Hannon: Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink!
Clark Green: We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil.
Erin Hannon: (Snorts and grunts) I can't hear what you said. (snorting, grunting) You got your slop? (Squeals)
Clark Green: You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won...
Pete Miller: Erin! Erin! Just stop.
Nellie Bertram: Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis.
Bob Vance & Vance Refrigeration: You can do it baby!
Angela Martin: No you can't baby! (to Dwight, whispers) Good luck.
Dwight Schrute: Watch and learn.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Esther.
Dwight Schrute: What are you- (Esther kisses him) You're here early.
Esther: Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow.
Dwight Schrute: I like a little feather in my nuggets. (both laugh)
Nellie Bertram: Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars.
Director: Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye.
Andy Bernard: Which is insanely painful.
Andy Bernard: And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain.
Director: That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright?
Andy Bernard: So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later?
Director: What water special effect?
Producer: Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs.
Andy Bernard: I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I-
Director: Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking.
Andy Bernard: Darryl, what do I do?
Darryl Philbin: Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope.
Andy Bernard: They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.
Andy Bernard: I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper.
Production Assistant: So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes.
Andy Bernard: Carla! Carla!
Nellie Bertram: It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela.
Angela Martin: (throws plane far) Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. (Toby crumples plane and steps aside.
Nellie Bertram: Well, Angela is the winner.
Esther: (to Dwight) Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything.
Esther: Oh. Is she a gambler?
Dwight Schrute: In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song.
Esther: Hmm. That is sad.
Andy Bernard: She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.
Darryl Philbin: Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.
Andy Bernard: Do you believe in me?
Darryl Philbin: I believe I want to go home.
Dwight Schrute: (throws plane far) Yeah! Ok! Beat that! (Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs) Whoo! Ok.
Erin Hannon: Dammit! Dammit, god. (To Pete) Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I’m really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels.
Pete Miller: Yeah. (Erin kicks box) Whoa!
Erin Hannon: Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win!
Pete Miller: Ok (tries to help her) Hey hey hey, whoa.
Erin Hannon: Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just...
Pam Beesly: Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting.
Jim Halpert: Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar.
Pam Beesly: I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar.
Jim Halpert: Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.
Pam Beesly: Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- (Jim's phone rings, he answers)
Jim Halpert: Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good.
Pam Beesly: Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. (Jim hangs up phone) I appreciate the sacrifice.
Jim Halpert: Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair.
Pam Beesly: Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?
Jim Halpert: I guess I will swallow my truth.
Clark Green: Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds.
Pam Beesly: We're not high.
Director: Here we go. Rolling and... action!
Andy Bernard: (doing eyewash) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!
Director: And cut. We can fix the sound in post.
Andy Bernard: I can do a better one.
Producer: That's fine, we'll move on.
Andy Bernard: I said I can do a better one. Darryl...
Andy Bernard: (eyewashes again) AHH! AHH! AHH!
Andy Bernard: Yeah! Yeah.
Nellie Bertram: Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes.
Dwight Schrute: After you.
Angela Martin: Thank you. (plane loops up and falls at her feet) Oh god!
Nellie Bertram: Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (fake throws and drops plane) Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. (Angela smiles)
Esther: We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. (Angela looks disgusted)
Angela Martin: Don't you dare tank this. (Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane)
Nellie Bertram: And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over.
Creed Bratton: Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me.
Angela Martin: (To Esther) Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely.
Pam Beesly: Jim! (hands him umbrella)
Pam Beesly: Alright, have a good trip.
Pam Beesly: Bye. (walks away)
Jim Halpert: Hey! (Runs after her and looks into her eyes) I... (hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 9. Paper Airplane is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.