Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Livin' The Dream

Vol. 9 · Issue 21Scranton, PA

Dwight finally gets his black belt and the manager's chair he's wanted forever, while Andy decides to burn his boats—and David Wallace's car—to pursue stardom. Every line of dialogue from the episode is right here, covering Jim's sacrifice for Pam and Angela's tearful confession about her feelings for Dwight. You'll find the full script and all the most memorable quotes from this turning point in the series.

Scene 01

7 lines
Jim Halpert
I’m taking some time off from work—well, my other work—because we needed it.
Pam Beesly
It’s great.
Jim Halpert
It’s great.
Pam Beesly
The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts.
Jim Halpert
But that doesn’t matter. This does. It’s the only thing that matters. We’ve had some really nice days together.
Pam Beesly
Nice morning, too.
Jim Halpert
Beesly! Oh, my god.

Scene 02

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent’s putting me up for a furniture commercial.
Jim Halpert
Ah, definitely blue.
Andy Bernard
Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what’s up? Back in the small pond?
Jim Halpert
For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin—
Andy Bernard
Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.
Jim Halpert
Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can’t give 100% to two things at once you know.
Andy Bernard
Tell me about it, you know? I’ve been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don’t know if I’m wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.
Jim Halpert
Huh. Well, you know, you can’t have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what’s most important. That’s my new thing.

Scene 03

10 lines
Oscar Martinez
(noticing Angela looking very unkempt) Is everything ok?
Angela Martin
No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats.
Kevin Malone
Wait, all of them?
Angela Martin
Two sacks’ worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house.
Oscar Martinez
That’s—that’s awful, Angela. I’m so sorry.
Angela Martin
It’s the (bleep) that lives downstairs. She’s this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type.
Kevin Malone
I’ve never met anyone like that.
Angela Martin
And they’re gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, you still have your son.
Angela Martin
I guess.

Scene 04

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. (kicking and punching) Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and—
Jim Halpert
Smasher!
Dwight Schrute
Smasher? No, where’d you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city’s best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don’t spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt.

Scene 06

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided.
Jim Halpert
Fireball!
Dwight Schrute
Ah! (throws punch) That’s how it’s done.
Jim Halpert
That’s pretty good. I feel safe.

Scene 07

2 lines
David Wallace
Hey, Erin. Is Andy in?
Erin Hannon
Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said “is Indian” and was like, “Is Indian what?” Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way.

Scene 08

1 line
Erin Hannon
Lately, I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy’s calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic.

Scene 09

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Yes, there’s Andy! Andy is in. I’m a good receptionist, I know he’s in.
Andy Bernard
David Walrus, in his native habitat.
David Wallace
Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.

Scene 10

1 line
David Wallace
This isn’t going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, “The kind that’s good for head shots.” And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it’s gonna boost office morale. Now, he’s a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired.

Scene 11

15 lines
David Wallace
Andy—
Andy Bernard
I’m gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream.
David Wallace
Uh-huh, but—
Andy Bernard
Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense.
David Wallace
So you think you’ve been too focused on your job?
Andy Bernard
At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.
David Wallace
So you—you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting?
Andy Bernard
Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don’t—it just… I owe it to myself and my future fans.
David Wallace
Uh, well, I guess I can’t stand in the way of a man’s dream. And it seems like you have the gift.
Andy Bernard
Thank you, David.
David Wallace
There’s probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I?
Andy Bernard
Nope. I have made up my mind. I’m really sorry.
David Wallace
Well, good luck.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. Not gonna need it.
David Wallace
Okay.

Scene 12

1 line
David Wallace
Well that kind of worked out.

Scene 13

1 line
Creed Bratton
I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole.

Scene 14

17 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, Clark. I’m actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back.
Clark Green
Right. Yeah. But, you know, I’ve actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I’ve earned this. I mean, you know?
Jim Halpert
You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I’m here.
Clark Green
Right. Well, I’m here to sell paper.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Clark Green
All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And—and Wallace is here today. And I don’t him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?
Pam Beesly
it’s okay. You can sit in the annex.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
I’ll come visit you.
Jim Halpert
Okay. The annex it is. I’ll be sitting at your desk if that’s okay with you.
Clark Green
That’s fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete’s beautiful, dead eyes.
Andy Bernard
Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I’m taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever.
Oscar Martinez
I can’t say we didn’t see it coming. But it’s a sad day when anybody is fired. We’re so sorry, Andy.
David Wallace
Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired.
Andy Bernard
I wasn’t fired. What are you talking about? I’m fired up, yes. Guys, I’m—I’m leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, so, I’ll see you on the red carpet. See, that’s how it works.

Scene 15

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Andy sings beautifully. And he’s really good at dancing. He’s a good speaker. But there’s just something there you don’t want to look at.

Scene 16

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark.
Pete Miller
Yeah, a little bit.
Jim Halpert
Oh, wow. But, um—Oh, I get that.
Pete Miller
Oh, no, no, no. No it’s cool.
Jim Halpert
I get it.
Pete Miller
It’s cool, man. I’m sure you and I will have our own thing.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don’t watch baseball. I keep forgetting that.

Scene 17

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
I just think you’re going into this a little fast.
Andy Bernard
I’m 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go?
Darryl Philbin
Show business is cold. Let’s say you get a job, which you probably won’t. They’re not gonna cut you any slack. You’re meant for a job with lots and lots of slack.
Andy Bernard
All right. I get it.

Scene 18

1 line
Andy Bernard
The male is a funny species. We don’t just tell each other how we feel, that’s chick stuff. So instead of saying, “Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don’t want you to leave.” You say something like, “Hey, Andy, you’re making the worst mistake of your life. You’re not talented.” Well… right back at you, Darryl.

Scene 19

1 line
Andy Bernard
(hugs Darryl) I’m gonna miss you too. Mmm!

Scene 20

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Andy’s from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack?

Scene 21

1 line
Kevin Malone
Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don’t know. You know who’s really funny? This bird, in the park, that can’t fly right. I’d pay to see him. But I don’t have to cause the park is free!

Scene 22

8 lines
Sensei
I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts.
Dwight Schrute
He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!
Sensei
It’s not a large room, I think they heard me.
Dwight Schrute
Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. (thrusts hips at Ira)
Sensei
That’s really ok. I’m mostly focused on the belt here.
Dwight Schrute
Just slip it off my—Slip it off my hips.
Sensei
Hold it—Take a step back. Take a step back. (they bow, then Dwight thrusts again) Okay, okay. I can’t—I can’t do this if you’re gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we’re gonna have to cut this off.
Dwight Schrute
He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt.

Scene 23

1 line
Angela Martin
Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying.

Scene 24

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
There it is. (everyone applauds)
Sensei
Congratulations.
Dwight Schrute
We did it, we did it. I love you.
Sensei
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You’re gonna watch me right?
Sensei
Yes, I will. (Dwight starts doing karate)
Dwight Schrute
Sensei, you’re not watching.
Sensei
Yeah, I’m watching. Just do it.
Dwight Schrute
Watching?
Sensei
I’m watching.
Dwight Schrute
Watch this part, okay?
David Wallace
Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this?
Sensei
Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world.
David Wallace
He said that? He’s an odd guy, isn’t he?
Sensei
Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he’s one of the most tenacious and determined men I’ve ever met. (Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds)
Esther
Oh! I’m am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue.

Scene 25

2 lines
Jim Halpert
I really felt like I almost lost her, and—and nothing is worth that.
David Wallace
Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn’t even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals.

Scene 26

4 lines
Clark Green
Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam.
Dwight Schrute
You did not just say that! You don’t know Pam. She is really cool.
Clark Green
All I’m saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager’s chair. And I thought you wanted that job.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It’s out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I’d be happy to see Jim as manager.

Scene 27

8 lines
David Wallace
So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on.
Jim Halpert
Again.
David Wallace
Again! And I’m looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy?
Jim Halpert
Not at all. It should be Dwight.
David Wallace
You sure?
Jim Halpert
You’re gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh—
David Wallace
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don’t want to meet that person.

Scene 28

10 lines
Nellie Bertram
Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word.
Andy Bernard
It’s now or never.
Nellie Bertram
Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, sure. What’s your question?
Kevin Malone
Our question is—it seems dumb.
Andy Bernard
Well, it’s better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right?
Nellie Bertram
Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and “full-ass” it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm?
Andy Bernard
Nah. I like my plan better.
Kevin Malone
Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You’re too character-y to be a lead and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor.
Andy Bernard
What?

Scene 29

1 line
Oscar Martinez
No, I don’t think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can’t make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it?

Scene 30

19 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies?
Pam Beesly
Yes. Yeah.
Jim Halpert
I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens.
Pam Beesly
Oh, boy. Um—
Jim Halpert
If you could help me out, that would be—
Pam Beesly
I could give you some beginner stickies?
Jim Halpert
Anything would help.
Pam Beesly
Here you go.
Jim Halpert
Oh, also, while you’re at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that’s—
Pam Beesly
It’s all yours.
Jim Halpert
You come so prepared. Aspirin.
Dwight Schrute
You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that.
Jim Halpert
Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It’s really great.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager’s job?
Jim Halpert
No. He was maybe thinking of you for it.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, right. I’m afraid that ship has sailed.
Jim Halpert
I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Just saying.

Scene 31

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Andy Bernard
Well, hello.
Dwight Schrute
Big day for you.
Andy Bernard
Big day for you.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
Love the belt.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, yes.
Andy Bernard
You know, I don’t know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog’s outta here, so letting it all hang out!
Dwight Schrute
This is exciting! You’re finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.
Andy Bernard
Thank you, I appreciate that. ‘Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I doubt you’ll make it. Very few do who’ve tried to be a star. But, listen, you’ve saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right?
Andy Bernard
No, I just applied for more overdraft protection.
Dwight Schrute
Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don’t quit your day job.
Andy Bernard
(cockney accent) Nothing is impossible to him who will try. (normal) Alexander the Great, if he were cockney.
Dwight Schrute
You’re bad.

Scene 32

1 line
Andy Bernard
I’m gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.

Scene 33

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That’s something you can’t take back.
Erin Hannon
So true. Is there a question, or are—what?
Andy Bernard
Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?
Erin Hannon
Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. (steps into conference room)
David Wallace
You can stay on as a salesman, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. (leaves)
David Wallace
Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please?

Scene 34

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
Say it again.
David Wallace
Will you be the new manager?
Dwight Schrute
Where?
David Wallace
Where?
Dwight Schrute
What branch?
David Wallace
Here. Scranton. (Dwight falls to his knees) Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let’s go. It’s good news.
Dwight Schrute
I’m sorry. I’ve just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun.
David Wallace
What?
Dwight Schrute
But this isn’t interim manager. No. It’s Dwight K. Schrute… (pulls a business card out of his wallet) Manager.
David Wallace
Why do you already have this?
Dwight Schrute
In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David.
David Wallace
I know.
Dwight Schrute
I will never, ever let you down.
David Wallace
I know, Dwight. I know. (reaches out to shake Dwight’s hand, Dwight hugs him) Okay. Okay. All righty. You’re gonna do great.

Scene 35

19 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Wow, hey.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Jim Halpert
What’s up?
Pam Beesly
Um, I have a question.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Oh, I had a question.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Pam Beesly
I did!
Jim Halpert
Yeah, totally you did.
Pam Beesly
Super important.
Jim Halpert
I need you to stay right here while you think about it.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
All right? I’m gonna wait.
Pam Beesly
All right. I did not come back here just to see you.
Jim Halpert
I’m sure you did not. What was your question?
Pam Beesly
I don’t know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out.
Jim Halpert
Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I’m waiting.
Pam Beesly
Exactly.

Scene 36

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I’m gonna stay on in sales.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don’t want to see you in a porn next year.
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Ooh, there’s a great play about a salesman.
Andy Bernard
Death of a salesman.
Kevin Malone
I don’t think so.
Andy Bernard
Sure, ‘Death of a Salesman’ by Arthur Miller, it’s a great play about crushed dreams.
Kevin Malone
No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants.
Andy Bernard
(sits at Dwight’s desk) Got any hot leads?

Scene 37

13 lines
Pete Miller
See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward.
Erin Hannon
I had no idea. And here I’ve been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin’ sheep.
Jim Halpert
Look who’s back.
Pam Beesly
I’m back. Oh, hey, look, and now it’s like a double date.
Pete Miller
Wow. Cause, uh (gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects)
Erin Hannon
Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That’d be fun.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, we should do that for real sometime.
Erin Hannon
Well, how about Thursday?
Pam Beesly
Oh, well, Thursday’s tough, because of—
Jim Halpert
Weeknights are actually tough just because—
Pam Beesly
They are.
Jim Halpert
That’s true, yeah.
Erin Hannon
Just forget it. Forget I said anything.

Scene 38

32 lines
David Wallace
Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute—
Dwight Schrute
David. Can I just do one thing while you’re making this announcement and then I’ll never, ever do it again?
David Wallace
I don’t think so.
Dwight Schrute
It’s just one thing. Just let me—let me do this—
David Wallace
Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on—what I was about to say was Dwight—(phone buzzes) Oh, I’m sorry, I gotta—This’ll be a second, sorry.
Dwight Schrute
Just wait and send it to voicemail.
David Wallace
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Come on. Come on.
David Wallace
(on phone) Then we’ll get him a new set of drums.
Dwight Schrute
(climbs up on desk) Dwight Schrute is manager! (everyone cheers and applauds)
Andy Bernard
Brava, brava.
Creed Bratton
(from atop his desk) Creed Bratton is the new manager! (nobody responds)
Pam Beesly
What’s going on?
Kevin Malone
Dwight’s the new manager. He freaking did it.
Pam Beesly
(hugs Dwight) Congratulations, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Pam.
Jim Halpert
(hugs Dwight) Congratulations, buddy.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Jim.
Clark Green
Congrats, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Get out of Jim’s seat.
Clark Green
But I fought for this seat.
Dwight Schrute
You’re an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we’ll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram.
Pam Beesly
It’s nice to have you back.
Dwight Schrute
So…
Jim Halpert
So.
Dwight Schrute
I wanted to offer you a new position.
Jim Halpert
Let’s hear it.
Dwight Schrute
Assistant regional manager.
Jim Halpert
Nope. Can’t accept that job. It’s not a real job.
Dwight Schrute
Jim.
Jim Halpert
I’ll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I’d be proud to take.
Dwight Schrute
Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot.

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus.

Scene 40

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
So, all the numbers adding up?
Oscar Martinez
Hey, I didn’t get a chance to say it, but… congratulations, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Angela Martin
Yes. Congratulations.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, and Dwight, I’d like to be the first to say congratulations.
Angela Martin
This is a big day for you.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, it is. Carry on.

Scene 41

1 line
Andy Bernard
How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It’s cause I had a fallback. That’s the problem. When you have fallbacks, it’s just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself.

Scene 42

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Everyone! Changed my mind again.
Phyllis Vance
What’s it now, dream or no dream?
Andy Bernard
Uh, dream. Goin’ with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn’t that right, Jim?
Jim Halpert
Oh, don’t look at me cause I think you’re making a terrible choice.
Andy Bernard
All in! Whoo!

Scene 43

15 lines
Andy Bernard
Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.
Toby Flenderson
Okay, then, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, but here’s the thing. I can’t have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I’ll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners.
Toby Flenderson
Andy, you know I can’t do that. It’d be lying.
Andy Bernard
Seriously?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, I’m—
Andy Bernard
Come on, just do it.
Toby Flenderson
I can’t.
Andy Bernard
All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. (starts touching Toby’s thighs)
Toby Flenderson
(fending Andy off) Oh, come on. Andy, no.
Andy Bernard
God, Toby, don’t—stop blocking my hand.
Toby Flenderson
No, no.
Andy Bernard
This is your—you brought this on.
Toby Flenderson
No, no. Andy.
Andy Bernard
Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!

Scene 44

2 lines
Angela Martin
(answering phone) This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there’s a problem it’s clearly on your end. And—oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um… what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn’t want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should’ve taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! (hangs up phone)
Kevin Malone
What do you think that was about?

Scene 45

6 lines
Andy Bernard
David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I’d just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite.
David Wallace
We put the past behind us, though, Andy.
Andy Bernard
What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?
David Wallace
Enough, Andy. Enough!
Andy Bernard
Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car?
David Wallace
Oh my god.

Scene 46

1 line
Andy Bernard
Eleanor Roosevelt once said ‘the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.’ (clip of him flipping off David Wallace) I think she’s right. (clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out) I feel calm now. (clip of Andy taking a dump on a car) I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I’m doing the right thing.

Scene 47

15 lines
Angela Martin
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Angela Martin
What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don’t squash my knickety-knacks on top.
Angela Martin
Yeah, okay. That’s not what I mean. You don’t have to leave because you said you would. Don’t let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It’s not worth it.
Andy Bernard
Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too—
Angela Martin
Ugh.
Andy Bernard
But I just—it’s in the past. And I feel like we shouldn’t…
Angela Martin
No, that’s not—
Andy Bernard
Rehash—
Angela Martin
No, none—No, stop. It’s just—
Andy Bernard
Exactly.
Angela Martin
Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Thanks, Angela. You too.
Angela Martin
Thanks.

Scene 48

8 lines
Andy Bernard
A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, good lord.
Stanley Hudson
Can’t you just leave?
Jim Halpert
You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye.
Andy Bernard
Tuna, I’m a performer. And perform I shall. (sings ‘I Will Remember You’—everyone is slightly impressed)
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) You okay?
Angela Martin
(crying) It’s just a really nice song.
Kevin Malone
(everyone applauding) Awesome!

Scene 49

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He’s not terrible.
Stanley Hudson
Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo.
Phyllis Vance
No, he’s good.
Stanley Hudson
He was good.

Scene 50

19 lines
Oscar Martinez
Good night, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Night, Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.
Angela Martin
Well, I’ve changed my mind.
Oscar Martinez
Wait a minute. You’re not thinking of living in a—
Angela Martin
Oh, god, could you just mind your own business?
Oscar Martinez
Okay, I’m just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent.
Angela Martin
Oh, god.
Oscar Martinez
Come stay with me.
Angela Martin
You don’t want me at your place.
Oscar Martinez
I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won’t be long. It’s the least I could do.
Angela Martin
Well…
Oscar Martinez
Separate bathrooms.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Oscar Martinez
You’re welcome. Let’s go get Phillip. Then we’ll get your stuff…
Angela Martin
Okay.
Oscar Martinez
And get you the hell outta that place.
Angela Martin
Are you allowed to have pets?
Oscar Martinez
Oh, Angela.

Scene 51

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.

Scene 52

18 lines
Darryl Philbin
You talk to Wade and Colin?
Jim Halpert
No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What’s up?
Darryl Philbin
We got an offer on the table.
Jim Halpert
What kind of offer?
Darryl Philbin
A buyout.
Jim Halpert
What?
Darryl Philbin
We’re in play, baby.
Jim Halpert
Oh, my god!
Darryl Philbin
We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it’s not just a Philly play, so get this: they’re gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that is… wow.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, we did it.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, we did. Hey, how long—how long do we think that’s gonna take?
Darryl Philbin
Wade said we could do the whole country in three months.
Jim Halpert
Oh, man. Yeah, I can’t do it.
Darryl Philbin
Can’t do what?
Jim Halpert
This, man. I can’t do this to Pam.
Darryl Philbin
No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything.
Jim Halpert
I know. And I can’t do it.

Scene 53

7 lines
Angela Martin
So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross?
Oscar Martinez
No, it’s neat and tasteful, like most gay men’s homes. The stereotype holds up.
Angela Martin
I wouldn’t know. I never lived with a gay guy.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, you just were—
Angela Martin
(starts sobbing) I love him.
Oscar Martinez
I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You—you can’t—
Angela Martin
No, not the senator. I love Dwight.