Scene 017 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I’m taking some time off from work—well, my other work—because we needed it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It’s great.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It’s great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But that doesn’t matter. This does. It’s the only thing that matters. We’ve had some really nice days together.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nice morning, too.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Beesly! Oh, my god.
Scene 028 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent’s putting me up for a furniture commercial.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ah, definitely blue.Andy BernardOpen quote: Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what’s up? Back in the small pond?Jim HalpertOpen quote: For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin—Andy BernardOpen quote: Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can’t give 100% to two things at once you know.Andy BernardOpen quote: Tell me about it, you know? I’ve been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don’t know if I’m wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Huh. Well, you know, you can’t have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what’s most important. That’s my new thing.
Scene 0310 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: (noticing Angela looking very unkempt) Is everything ok?Angela MartinOpen quote: No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Wait, all of them?Angela MartinOpen quote: Two sacks’ worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That’s—that’s awful, Angela. I’m so sorry.Angela MartinOpen quote: It’s the (bleep) that lives downstairs. She’s this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I’ve never met anyone like that.Angela MartinOpen quote: And they’re gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Angela, you still have your son.Angela MartinOpen quote: I guess.
Scene 043 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. (kicking and punching) Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and—Jim HalpertOpen quote: Smasher!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Smasher? No, where’d you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city’s best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts.
Scene 051 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don’t spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt.
Scene 064 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Fireball!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ah! (throws punch) That’s how it’s done.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That’s pretty good. I feel safe.
Scene 072 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Hey, Erin. Is Andy in?Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said “is Indian” and was like, “Is Indian what?” Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way.
Scene 081 lineErin HannonOpen quote: Lately, I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy’s calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic.
Scene 094 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Yes, there’s Andy! Andy is in. I’m a good receptionist, I know he’s in.Andy BernardOpen quote: David Walrus, in his native habitat.David WallaceOpen quote: Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.
Scene 101 lineDavid WallaceOpen quote: This isn’t going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, “The kind that’s good for head shots.” And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it’s gonna boost office morale. Now, he’s a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired.
Scene 1115 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Andy—Andy BernardOpen quote: I’m gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream.David WallaceOpen quote: Uh-huh, but—Andy BernardOpen quote: Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense.David WallaceOpen quote: So you think you’ve been too focused on your job?Andy BernardOpen quote: At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.David WallaceOpen quote: So you—you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don’t—it just… I owe it to myself and my future fans.David WallaceOpen quote: Uh, well, I guess I can’t stand in the way of a man’s dream. And it seems like you have the gift.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you, David.David WallaceOpen quote: There’s probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I?Andy BernardOpen quote: Nope. I have made up my mind. I’m really sorry.David WallaceOpen quote: Well, good luck.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. Not gonna need it.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 131 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole.
Scene 1417 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, Clark. I’m actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back.Clark GreenOpen quote: Right. Yeah. But, you know, I’ve actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I’ve earned this. I mean, you know?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I’m here.Clark GreenOpen quote: Right. Well, I’m here to sell paper.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow.Clark GreenOpen quote: All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And—and Wallace is here today. And I don’t him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: it’s okay. You can sit in the annex.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I’ll come visit you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay. The annex it is. I’ll be sitting at your desk if that’s okay with you.Clark GreenOpen quote: That’s fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete’s beautiful, dead eyes.Andy BernardOpen quote: Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I’m taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I can’t say we didn’t see it coming. But it’s a sad day when anybody is fired. We’re so sorry, Andy.David WallaceOpen quote: Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired.Andy BernardOpen quote: I wasn’t fired. What are you talking about? I’m fired up, yes. Guys, I’m—I’m leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, so, I’ll see you on the red carpet. See, that’s how it works.
Scene 151 linePhyllis VanceOpen quote: Andy sings beautifully. And he’s really good at dancing. He’s a good speaker. But there’s just something there you don’t want to look at.
Scene 167 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark.Pete MillerOpen quote: Yeah, a little bit.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, wow. But, um—Oh, I get that.Pete MillerOpen quote: Oh, no, no, no. No it’s cool.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I get it.Pete MillerOpen quote: It’s cool, man. I’m sure you and I will have our own thing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don’t watch baseball. I keep forgetting that.
Scene 174 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I just think you’re going into this a little fast.Andy BernardOpen quote: I’m 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Show business is cold. Let’s say you get a job, which you probably won’t. They’re not gonna cut you any slack. You’re meant for a job with lots and lots of slack.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right. I get it.
Scene 181 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: The male is a funny species. We don’t just tell each other how we feel, that’s chick stuff. So instead of saying, “Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don’t want you to leave.” You say something like, “Hey, Andy, you’re making the worst mistake of your life. You’re not talented.” Well… right back at you, Darryl.
Scene 201 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: Andy’s from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack?
Scene 211 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don’t know. You know who’s really funny? This bird, in the park, that can’t fly right. I’d pay to see him. But I don’t have to cause the park is free!
Scene 228 linesSenseiOpen quote: I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!SenseiOpen quote: It’s not a large room, I think they heard me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. (thrusts hips at Ira)SenseiOpen quote: That’s really ok. I’m mostly focused on the belt here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just slip it off my—Slip it off my hips.SenseiOpen quote: Hold it—Take a step back. Take a step back. (they bow, then Dwight thrusts again) Okay, okay. I can’t—I can’t do this if you’re gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we’re gonna have to cut this off.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt.
Scene 231 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying.
Scene 2416 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: There it is. (everyone applauds)SenseiOpen quote: Congratulations.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We did it, we did it. I love you.SenseiOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You’re gonna watch me right?SenseiOpen quote: Yes, I will. (Dwight starts doing karate)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sensei, you’re not watching.SenseiOpen quote: Yeah, I’m watching. Just do it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Watching?SenseiOpen quote: I’m watching.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Watch this part, okay?David WallaceOpen quote: Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this?SenseiOpen quote: Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world.David WallaceOpen quote: He said that? He’s an odd guy, isn’t he?SenseiOpen quote: Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he’s one of the most tenacious and determined men I’ve ever met. (Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds)EstherOpen quote: Oh! I’m am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue.
Scene 252 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I really felt like I almost lost her, and—and nothing is worth that.David WallaceOpen quote: Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn’t even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals.
Scene 264 linesClark GreenOpen quote: Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You did not just say that! You don’t know Pam. She is really cool.Clark GreenOpen quote: All I’m saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager’s chair. And I thought you wanted that job.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It’s out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I’d be happy to see Jim as manager.
Scene 278 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Again.David WallaceOpen quote: Again! And I’m looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not at all. It should be Dwight.David WallaceOpen quote: You sure?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You’re gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh—David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don’t want to meet that person.
Scene 2810 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word.Andy BernardOpen quote: It’s now or never.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, sure. What’s your question?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Our question is—it seems dumb.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, it’s better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and “full-ass” it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm?Andy BernardOpen quote: Nah. I like my plan better.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You’re too character-y to be a lead and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor.Andy BernardOpen quote: What?
Scene 291 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: No, I don’t think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can’t make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it?
Scene 3019 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes. Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, boy. Um—Jim HalpertOpen quote: If you could help me out, that would be—Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I could give you some beginner stickies?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Anything would help.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Here you go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, also, while you’re at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, that’s—Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It’s all yours.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You come so prepared. Aspirin.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It’s really great.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager’s job?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No. He was maybe thinking of you for it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, right. I’m afraid that ship has sailed.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Just saying.
Scene 3115 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hello.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, hello.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Big day for you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Big day for you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Love the belt.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, yes.Andy BernardOpen quote: You know, I don’t know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog’s outta here, so letting it all hang out!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is exciting! You’re finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you, I appreciate that. ‘Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, I doubt you’ll make it. Very few do who’ve tried to be a star. But, listen, you’ve saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right?Andy BernardOpen quote: No, I just applied for more overdraft protection.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don’t quit your day job.Andy BernardOpen quote: (cockney accent) Nothing is impossible to him who will try. (normal) Alexander the Great, if he were cockney.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You’re bad.
Scene 321 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I’m gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.
Scene 338 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That’s something you can’t take back.Erin HannonOpen quote: So true. Is there a question, or are—what?Andy BernardOpen quote: Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?Erin HannonOpen quote: Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. (steps into conference room)David WallaceOpen quote: You can stay on as a salesman, Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. (leaves)David WallaceOpen quote: Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please?
Scene 3414 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Say it again.David WallaceOpen quote: Will you be the new manager?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Where?David WallaceOpen quote: Where?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What branch?David WallaceOpen quote: Here. Scranton. (Dwight falls to his knees) Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let’s go. It’s good news.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I’m sorry. I’ve just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun.David WallaceOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But this isn’t interim manager. No. It’s Dwight K. Schrute… (pulls a business card out of his wallet) Manager.David WallaceOpen quote: Why do you already have this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David.David WallaceOpen quote: I know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I will never, ever let you down.David WallaceOpen quote: I know, Dwight. I know. (reaches out to shake Dwight’s hand, Dwight hugs him) Okay. Okay. All righty. You’re gonna do great.
Scene 3519 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hi.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What’s up?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, I have a question.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I had a question.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I did!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, totally you did.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Super important.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I need you to stay right here while you think about it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right? I’m gonna wait.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: All right. I did not come back here just to see you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I’m sure you did not. What was your question?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don’t know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I’m waiting.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Exactly.
Scene 3610 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I’m gonna stay on in sales.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don’t want to see you in a porn next year.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Ooh, there’s a great play about a salesman.Andy BernardOpen quote: Death of a salesman.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I don’t think so.Andy BernardOpen quote: Sure, ‘Death of a Salesman’ by Arthur Miller, it’s a great play about crushed dreams.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants.Andy BernardOpen quote: (sits at Dwight’s desk) Got any hot leads?
Scene 3713 linesPete MillerOpen quote: See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward.Erin HannonOpen quote: I had no idea. And here I’ve been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin’ sheep.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Look who’s back.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I’m back. Oh, hey, look, and now it’s like a double date.Pete MillerOpen quote: Wow. Cause, uh (gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects)Erin HannonOpen quote: Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That’d be fun.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, we should do that for real sometime.Erin HannonOpen quote: Well, how about Thursday?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, well, Thursday’s tough, because of—Jim HalpertOpen quote: Weeknights are actually tough just because—Pam BeeslyOpen quote: They are.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That’s true, yeah.Erin HannonOpen quote: Just forget it. Forget I said anything.
Scene 3832 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute—Dwight SchruteOpen quote: David. Can I just do one thing while you’re making this announcement and then I’ll never, ever do it again?David WallaceOpen quote: I don’t think so.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It’s just one thing. Just let me—let me do this—David WallaceOpen quote: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on—what I was about to say was Dwight—(phone buzzes) Oh, I’m sorry, I gotta—This’ll be a second, sorry.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just wait and send it to voicemail.David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on. Come on.David WallaceOpen quote: (on phone) Then we’ll get him a new set of drums.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (climbs up on desk) Dwight Schrute is manager! (everyone cheers and applauds)Andy BernardOpen quote: Brava, brava.Creed BrattonOpen quote: (from atop his desk) Creed Bratton is the new manager! (nobody responds)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What’s going on?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Dwight’s the new manager. He freaking did it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (hugs Dwight) Congratulations, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pam.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (hugs Dwight) Congratulations, buddy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you, Jim.Clark GreenOpen quote: Congrats, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Get out of Jim’s seat.Clark GreenOpen quote: But I fought for this seat.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You’re an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we’ll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It’s nice to have you back.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So…Jim HalpertOpen quote: So.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I wanted to offer you a new position.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Let’s hear it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Assistant regional manager.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope. Can’t accept that job. It’s not a real job.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I’ll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I’d be proud to take.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot.
Scene 391 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus.
Scene 407 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: So, all the numbers adding up?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Hey, I didn’t get a chance to say it, but… congratulations, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yes. Congratulations.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, and Dwight, I’d like to be the first to say congratulations.Angela MartinOpen quote: This is a big day for you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, it is. Carry on.
Scene 411 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It’s cause I had a fallback. That’s the problem. When you have fallbacks, it’s just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself.
Scene 425 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Everyone! Changed my mind again.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What’s it now, dream or no dream?Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, dream. Goin’ with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn’t that right, Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, don’t look at me cause I think you’re making a terrible choice.Andy BernardOpen quote: All in! Whoo!
Scene 4315 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Okay, then, Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, but here’s the thing. I can’t have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I’ll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Andy, you know I can’t do that. It’d be lying.Andy BernardOpen quote: Seriously?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah, I’m—Andy BernardOpen quote: Come on, just do it.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I can’t.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. (starts touching Toby’s thighs)Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (fending Andy off) Oh, come on. Andy, no.Andy BernardOpen quote: God, Toby, don’t—stop blocking my hand.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No, no.Andy BernardOpen quote: This is your—you brought this on.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No, no. Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!
Scene 442 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: (answering phone) This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there’s a problem it’s clearly on your end. And—oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um… what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn’t want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should’ve taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! (hangs up phone)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What do you think that was about?
Scene 456 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I’d just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite.David WallaceOpen quote: We put the past behind us, though, Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?David WallaceOpen quote: Enough, Andy. Enough!Andy BernardOpen quote: Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car?David WallaceOpen quote: Oh my god.
Scene 461 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Eleanor Roosevelt once said ‘the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.’ (clip of him flipping off David Wallace) I think she’s right. (clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out) I feel calm now. (clip of Andy taking a dump on a car) I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I’m doing the right thing.
Scene 4715 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.Angela MartinOpen quote: What are you doing?Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don’t squash my knickety-knacks on top.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah, okay. That’s not what I mean. You don’t have to leave because you said you would. Don’t let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It’s not worth it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too—Angela MartinOpen quote: Ugh.Andy BernardOpen quote: But I just—it’s in the past. And I feel like we shouldn’t…Angela MartinOpen quote: No, that’s not—Andy BernardOpen quote: Rehash—Angela MartinOpen quote: No, none—No, stop. It’s just—Andy BernardOpen quote: Exactly.Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thanks, Angela. You too.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thanks.
Scene 488 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, good lord.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Can’t you just leave?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye.Andy BernardOpen quote: Tuna, I’m a performer. And perform I shall. (sings ‘I Will Remember You’—everyone is slightly impressed)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) You okay?Angela MartinOpen quote: (crying) It’s just a really nice song.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (everyone applauding) Awesome!
Scene 494 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He’s not terrible.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: No, he’s good.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: He was good.
Scene 5019 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Good night, Kevin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Night, Oscar.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.Angela MartinOpen quote: Well, I’ve changed my mind.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Wait a minute. You’re not thinking of living in a—Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh, god, could you just mind your own business?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Okay, I’m just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent.Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh, god.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Come stay with me.Angela MartinOpen quote: You don’t want me at your place.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won’t be long. It’s the least I could do.Angela MartinOpen quote: Well…Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Separate bathrooms.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You’re welcome. Let’s go get Phillip. Then we’ll get your stuff…Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: And get you the hell outta that place.Angela MartinOpen quote: Are you allowed to have pets?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Oh, Angela.
Scene 511 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.
Scene 5218 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: You talk to Wade and Colin?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What’s up?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: We got an offer on the table.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What kind of offer?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: A buyout.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: We’re in play, baby.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, my god!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it’s not just a Philly play, so get this: they’re gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, that is… wow.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, we did it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, we did. Hey, how long—how long do we think that’s gonna take?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Wade said we could do the whole country in three months.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, man. Yeah, I can’t do it.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Can’t do what?Jim HalpertOpen quote: This, man. I can’t do this to Pam.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know. And I can’t do it.
Scene 537 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: No, it’s neat and tasteful, like most gay men’s homes. The stereotype holds up.Angela MartinOpen quote: I wouldn’t know. I never lived with a gay guy.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Angela, you just were—Angela MartinOpen quote: (starts sobbing) I love him.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You—you can’t—Angela MartinOpen quote: No, not the senator. I love Dwight.