Scene 012 linesErin HannonOpen quote: The tea in Nepal is very hot.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. (Erin buzzes him into the office)
Scene 021 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they’re protecting America’s real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day’s security codes. Something that’s been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It’s not the KGB, but it’s a start.
Scene 0310 linesErin HannonOpen quote: The tea in Nepal is very hot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.Erin HannonOpen quote: Close.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?Erin HannonOpen quote: Colder.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?Erin HannonOpen quote: No, I meant you’re getting colder. The correct response is, “the coffee in Peru is much hotter.”Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ah, much, ok.Erin HannonOpen quote: But, that’s three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. (Dwight begins to protest) Unless you want me to break protocol?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no. Give me the steam.
Scene 041 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: It’s just harmless steam to panic intruders. I’d like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
Scene 052 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (while getting steamed) Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!Creed BrattonOpen quote: (carrying in clothes on hangers) Oh, I’m saving a fortune on dry cleaning.
Scene 063 linesPhilipOpen quote: Mama!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Angela, someone wants you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Ok, coming. Hi, baby.
Scene 071 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: Angela’s divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it’s Angela who’s living in the closet. Hey-o.
Scene 081 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.
Scene 092 linesEstherOpen quote: Go get ‘em, honey.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, don’t worry. They’ll get got.
Scene 101 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check… on that later today. This is my grandmother’s ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother’s buttock bullet ring.
Scene 113 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that’s premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.Check-in guyOpen quote: Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes!
Scene 121 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America’s Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It’s a really cool show, it’s like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!
Scene 132 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Sales form for you to sign.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what to do. (waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox) Ok
Scene 145 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Aw, thanks, man.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we’ve overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War—Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.
Scene 157 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All depends on the conference room meeting itself. (phone chimes) Uh, okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Is that them again?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe you should call back?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I will. I will.
Scene 161 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that’s final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I’m not risking that again.
Scene 171 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he’s giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he’s certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.
Scene 1818 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Welcome.Jim HalpertOpen quote: He welcomes you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please take an agenda item.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Your agenda-taking pleases him.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. “Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.” (buzzer sound) That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Let’s not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you’re expecting a fax today, please don’t yell out, “Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.” Ok? That’s nonsense.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Question.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, beautiful girl in the front.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they’re delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, “Nice jugs”?Jim HalpertOpen quote: That’s obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?EveryoneOpen quote: (overlapping) Zero. No nonsense. You can’t have nonsense.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (as Angela enters with Phillip) What is going on?Angela MartinOpen quote: Daycare won’t take Phillip anymore.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why?Angela MartinOpen quote: Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won’t forgive. So, hi.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Hi, buddy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who’s excited?
Scene 191 lineMeredith PalmerOpen quote: I’d better come out of this smelling like a rose. I’ve been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn’t for the cameras, I would’ve done some truly vulgar crap.
Scene 201 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: Over the course of this documentary I’ve had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.
Scene 212 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I’m letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard’s. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.
Scene 221 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: I can’t believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.
Scene 231 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast.
Scene 2411 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.CaseyOpen quote: Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! (singing) Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you.Andy BernardOpen quote: No!CaseyOpen quote: America wants it!Andy BernardOpen quote: No, this is my time! You don’t belt on my time! I belt on my time.CaseyOpen quote: (singing) Casey Dean!Andy BernardOpen quote: (vocalizing over her) Casey Dean!CaseyOpen quote: Man, those are some nice pipes.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.CaseyOpen quote: What’s your name?Andy BernardOpen quote: Andy. What’s yours?
Scene 2512 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Guys.Angela MartinOpen quote: Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Guys.Angela MartinOpen quote: Why don’t you pack it?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Guys.Angela & OscarOpen quote: Kevin, what?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says “bold front” instead of “cold front”? It’s insane.Angela MartinOpen quote: Not now, Kevin. Can’t you see we’re busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Seriously, Kevin. I’m just gonna have to go to the store.Angela MartinOpen quote: Ok, you go to the store.
Scene 261 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It’s all about Phillip. I hate Phillip.
Scene 2719 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Not now! Private time!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy—Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, hey! Seriously? (holds up Battlestar Galactica model box)Jim HalpertOpen quote: My god, I’m so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Which is, of course…Jim HalpertOpen quote: Potential future nonsense.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I’m gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You’ve got a regional manager.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The power source.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A loyal, but bungling apostle.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Exactly.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I’d have to get some more wire and string, but it’s doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they’re willing to pass some tests.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That doesn’t sound crazy, Jim. That’s the sanest thing I’ve ever heard.
Scene 2819 linesCaseyOpen quote: What’re you listening to?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440.CaseyOpen quote: Oh, sweet.Andy BernardOpen quote: A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.Mark McGrathOpen quote: What’s up, everybody? And welcome to America’s Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!CaseyOpen quote: Ah! It’s Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You’re gorgeous!Mark McGrathOpen quote: Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!Andy BernardOpen quote: There’s a mole?Mark McGrathOpen quote: Oops. I’m not supposed to—I’m not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?Andy BernardOpen quote: What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.Mark McGrathOpen quote: Good man right there. I’ll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!CaseyOpen quote: What? On a roll much?Andy BernardOpen quote: I don’t know where it came from.CaseyOpen quote: That was amazing, man!Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.CaseyOpen quote: Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.Andy BernardOpen quote: I did, I felt it.CaseyOpen quote: Big time.
Scene 293 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: What are you so excited about?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What are you up to?
Scene 3014 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Members of the office, hear ye.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That means ye, Plop!Pete MillerOpen quote: Plop? Still?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?Pete MillerOpen quote: Fine.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.Erin HannonOpen quote: Aw, heck ya!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nice.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You’ll always have the upper hand, when you’ve got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.Jim HalpertOpen quote: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that’s for fueling only. No savoring.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.Jim HalpertOpen quote: He envies you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You don’t need to repeat right now, when I’m saying it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright.
Scene 311 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.
Scene 323 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: What up?GlennOpen quote: What’s going on? How was the delivery?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I’m here.
Scene 331 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
Scene 3416 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Uh, two.Jim HalpertOpen quote: 985,000,000,000,017.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not even close, Meredith. Come on!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Theme song from Saved by the Bell.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other’s minds. You’re trying to give your wife this job.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That’s exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?Pete MillerOpen quote: A horse.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ew, the exact opposite, actually.Pete MillerOpen quote: What’s the opposite of a horse?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Come on.Jim & DwightOpen quote: Sea horse.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna—Jim & DwightOpen quote: Say that? Uncanny.
Scene 358 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?Clark GreenOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you want a corn dog?Clark GreenOpen quote: I would love a corn dog.Jim HalpertOpen quote: We’ll see. You are an assistant who’s just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.Clark GreenOpen quote: (reading) Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.”Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, no, no! You don’t read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There’s no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don’t have diplomatic relations.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uncanny.
Scene 3610 linesSoldierOpen quote: I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they’ll feel like anything is possible.Andy BernardOpen quote: Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.CaseyOpen quote: Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids.Andy BernardOpen quote: What?CaseyOpen quote: Yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?CaseyOpen quote: I don’t know. But I’m getting really worried here.Andy BernardOpen quote: Me too. Hold my place in line.CaseyOpen quote: Where are you going?Andy BernardOpen quote: They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.
Scene 3717 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Thanks, man.Hank TateOpen quote: Thank you.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yep. Take care.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Darryl, hey.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Cool, are you coming back to say hi?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No, no, I’m not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn’t say goodbye to.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Aha. How’s Athlead?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: We livin’ like rock stars. I’m about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Jim really doesn’t want to come?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He says he doesn’t want to.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Wow. Man. I hope he doesn’t regret it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That’s what he says.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then.
Scene 3829 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A thousand times more.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I’ll try this one.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (grabbing the coffee) Hot!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. It’s real. It’s the only way you’ll learn. OK, and go ahead. (Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course) Oh, god, nice! She’s through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (over Jim) No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Look at that form.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis) Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! (races through obstacles, spilling coffee) Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here’s your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uncanny. (everyone applauds)Erin HannonOpen quote: Darryl?! Darryl!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whoa.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, hey. Hey, what’s up, y’all?Erin HannonOpen quote: You left us without saying goodbye.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey! No way!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That’s totally uncool.Erin HannonOpen quote: Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I don’t think I sh-Erin HannonOpen quote: Get upstairs, mister!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yeah!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Right. Now.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Guess I’m going upstairs.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing—none of these people are good enough.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What I’m about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I’ve ever said.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Me.
Scene 394 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes! (weak applause) Thank you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. (Dwight awkwardly squats) That’s it. You look really, really good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?
Scene 4023 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You all right? What’s going on?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Are you happy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, I’m happy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I know that you’re, like, happy and, like, you had fun today.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And that was fun. But what about a year from now?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What about five years from now?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because I’m so glad you’re back, baby, but I’m just—I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you’re giving up so much.Jim HalpertOpen quote: This was my decision, not yours.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You didn’t force me.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I kind of forced you to do it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You did not force me to do this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes, I did.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don’t know how else to tell you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I’m afraid that you’re gonna resent me and I’m afraid that—Jim HalpertOpen quote: Resent you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is not enough for you and I’m afraid that I’m not enough for you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is that really what you think?
Scene 412 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Not enough? I don’t know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it’s against the rules but I’m gonna need a favor from you guys.Camera CrewOpen quote: Okay. You got it, man.
Scene 426 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I didn’t realize we were this close.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We’re all a little hormonal with the doc airing.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Are you gonna come to Poor Richard’s and watch with us tonight?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Uh… yeah. Depending on traffic.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: He ain’t coming.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, god!
Scene 431 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.
Scene 4414 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Well, it’s been great.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he’s gone for who knows how long.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Maybe forever. Anyhow—Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Did we ever have lunch together, just—just the two of us? You know what, I’m gonna make reservations right now at Cugino’s.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, oh, I’m sure we did.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.Clark GreenOpen quote: Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.Erin HannonOpen quote: Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl’s next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we’ll get this started.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that’s on me. But I’m not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you’re feeling sentimental.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: You have to! (everyone grumbling)Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey, hey, hey. I’ll do one thing with y’all.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Which thing?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I don’t care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though.
Scene 4513 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Kevin, Kevin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. (continues making noise)Angela MartinOpen quote: Kevin, could you not do that?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What? I’m moving the ink down in my pen, for work.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Here, use my pen.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Don’t tell me what to do!Angela & OscarOpen quote: Shhh!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, I don’t need this! And you obviously don’t need me.Angela MartinOpen quote: Kevin, where are you going?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: He just won’t go down. It’s as if he’s excited by all this paper.Angela MartinOpen quote: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Smart baby. That’s the most flavorful bond.
Scene 4610 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, what’s goin’ on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young’uns?CaseyOpen quote: You’re back!Andy BernardOpen quote: No, it’s me, Andy!CaseyOpen quote: No, I know.Andy BernardOpen quote: No, no, no. I’m wearing makeup.CaseyOpen quote: You did a really great job. You even look shorter.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, I took out my lifts.CaseyOpen quote: Oh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.CaseyOpen quote: Oh.
Scene 473 linesEstherOpen quote: All day long, it’s moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oink the pigs, that is very important. (watching Phillip)EstherOpen quote: Dwight, I’m telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?
Scene 481 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.
Scene 4911 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (puts his grandmother’s ring away) Thank you, Esther.EstherOpen quote: Bye.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I need you to perform a test.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Perform a test.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: On an innocent baby.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I’m gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don’t worry, he’s the best in the biz.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn straight.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Unless you think he can’t handle it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, he can handle it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.
Scene 508 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: (holding Phillip) Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley’s sleeping. You don’t want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I heard that.PhillipOpen quote: Mama.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there’s no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He does have a gift.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Well, he’s calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.PhillipOpen quote: Mama.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay. (takes Phillip who immediately stops crying) You ever been in a manager’s office before?
Scene 513 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It’s called “Schrute or Consequences.” You’re gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?PhillipOpen quote: Beet.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you’re no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.
Scene 5213 linesCheck-in guyOpen quote: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions.People in lineOpen quote: Oh come on! Hey!Andy BernardOpen quote: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?Check-in guyOpen quote: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America’s Next A Cappella Sensa—Andy BernardOpen quote: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t do that. You can’t do that, we’ve all been waiting.Check-in guyOpen quote: Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: I am going in there! Don’t—Check-in guyOpen quote: No, you’re not, sir.Andy BernardOpen quote: Don’t—don’t—Check-in guyOpen quote: Please don’t.Andy BernardOpen quote: Don’t touch me.Check-in guyOpen quote: I’m not touching you. Okay? (Andy makes a break for it)CaseyOpen quote: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don’t you dare. Don’t get—I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I’m Casey Dean! You’ll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won’t be seeing the last of me!
Scene 533 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don’t know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he’s being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: He’s not that smart. He doesn’t know where I hid his duck.
Scene 5420 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (interrupting contestant singing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera) Hi. You’re still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You’re like, my three favorite people ever.SantigoldOpen quote: What is this?Andy BernardOpen quote: (shushing contestant) Sweetheart, you’re amazing, okay? You’re obviously gonna be on the show, so it’s someone else’s turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, (old man voice) my name is Ezra Cornell and I’m just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.Aaron RodgersOpen quote: No, you’re a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.Andy BernardOpen quote: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.Clay AikenOpen quote: No, we do not want to hear you sing.SantigoldOpen quote: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.Andy BernardOpen quote: Nope! Can’t end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss’s car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.Aaron RodgersOpen quote: Flag on the play.Andy BernardOpen quote: That’s—that’s what—yeah. Okay, all right, well, here’s the song. (singing) Far above Cayuga’s waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater—SantigoldOpen quote: What is this song?Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you insane? It’s the Cornell fight song.Clay AikenOpen quote: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we’re not interested.Andy BernardOpen quote: You didn’t let me finish. That’s not fair.Aaron RodgersOpen quote: Look, man, you’re not terrible. We’ve heard a lot of really good singers today and you’re just not good enough.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that’s the show. Let me try a different song, okay?Aaron RodgersOpen quote: Can he do this?Andy BernardOpen quote: (singing) Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you’re never fully dressed without a smile. (falters at the judges’ reactions) Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly—SantigoldOpen quote: Look, you gotta go. (Andy falls to his knees, sobbing) You can’t just sit here and cry.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh I can so just sit here and cry!
Scene 551 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk) Thank you.
Scene 5622 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Can’t hear you. I’m giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Okay, I guess, it’s just that Phillip got you something.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I think there’s, like, $7 left.Angela MartinOpen quote: It’s just his way of saying, “Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.”Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Phillip got this for me?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Sure.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That was a really cool move.Angela MartinOpen quote: Would you like to hold Phillip? (hands off Phillip) Yeah. That’s Kevin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whoa.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Easy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What a chubbers. Whoa.Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay, watch it.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I’m losing my balance.Angela MartinOpen quote: No, Kevin, no.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Hey, no.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whoa!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: No horseplay.Angela MartinOpen quote: Stop it.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: You wanna play with the cactus?Angela MartinOpen quote: No, no!
Scene 571 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we’re gonna be best friends. He’s a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.
Scene 589 linesErin HannonOpen quote: We have our decision.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You chose one thing?Erin HannonOpen quote: We want to dance with you.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You want to dance?Erin HannonOpen quote: One dance, all of us together.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: This is what you want?Erin HannonOpen quote: Absolutely.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we’re gonna do this right.Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes! (Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer)
Scene 5910 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Hey. You wanted to see me?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Door. Chair. It’s about Phillip.Angela MartinOpen quote: I am sorry he’s here today but I had—Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.Angela MartinOpen quote: How thoughtful.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let’s face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man’s closet.Angela MartinOpen quote: If he is your son, that’s a great plan. But he’s not. He’s not your son.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Very well.Angela MartinOpen quote: Can I go back to my desk now?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 609 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: What is this?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well I’ve been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn’t believe me, so (shows her DVD) I needed a little help.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, I don’t have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (throws “now” beanbag at Jim) Now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim. I’m not kidding. I need you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Go ahead.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, um, this is… (leaves DVD with her)—I’ll be right back.
Scene 6110 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: What do we got?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow! Congratulations, that’s a really big step.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: She’s got a ton of great qualities. She’s young, she’s beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we’re third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn’t technically incest.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right in the sweet spot. I think you’re gonna be really happy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (whistles) That’s a lot of pros.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So what is the problem?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Angela.
Scene 634 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I don’t know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I’ve been faced with a tough decision, there’s only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Some sort of virus?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Love.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh.
Scene 641 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: (starts the video; title screen reads “Beesly—You think I’ll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won’t…”; highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrol’s “Open Your Eyes”)
Scene 655 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who’s gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You’re a good assistant, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not as good as you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That’s very true. Get the hell outta here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You got it.
Scene 666 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You watched it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, then I guess you’re ready for this. (gives her the Christmas card)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What’s that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It’s from the teapot. Everything you’ll ever need to know is in that note. (Pam reads the card) Not enough for me? You are everything.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thank you.
Scene 672 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Ok, everybody ready?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Hit it, red! (“Boogie Wonderland” by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office)
Scene 681 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I’m gonna miss these guys.
Scene 6911 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Ok, I’ve got my—Meredith PalmerOpen quote: See you guys at Poor Richard’s, all right?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: All right, Meredith.Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay, bye.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: See you there.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Bye, Phillip. High five.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother’s, and I’ll meet you at Poor Richard’s in an hour.Angela MartinOpen quote: Are you sure you don’t want me to drop him off?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: She doesn’t know I’m living with a straight woman. I don’t want to get her hopes up.Angela MartinOpen quote: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Oh, my goodness.
Scene 706 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (in bullhorn) Pull over!Angela MartinOpen quote: Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Move to the side of the road!Angela MartinOpen quote: Why?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pull over!Angela MartinOpen quote: What do you—Dwight! (Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over)
Scene 7117 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: (getting out of her car) Dwight! What the (bleep) is your problem!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (on bullhorn still) Shut up, woman!Angela MartinOpen quote: Who drives like that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen to me! I love you! And I don’t care that Phillip’s not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!Angela MartinOpen quote: Can you put that down?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This expresses how loudly I love you.Angela MartinOpen quote: It’s too loud.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (puts down bullhorn and kneels) This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay, yes—yes, I will! (they kiss) I love you!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I love you!Angela MartinOpen quote: And I lied to you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Angela MartinOpen quote: Phillip’s your son.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What? Why would you say that—Angela MartinOpen quote: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (excited) Get out! I’m a dad!Angela MartinOpen quote: You’re a dad!
Scene 7220 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor’s up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. (Dwight kisses Creed’s head) Oh!Erin HannonOpen quote: You have to change the channel to PBS.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah.BartenderOpen quote: College baseball is on.Erin HannonOpen quote: But there’s a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.BartenderOpen quote: What’s it about?Erin HannonOpen quote: A paper company.BartenderOpen quote: How many people want the game? (half the bar cheers) Who wants PBS? (other half cheers) Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.Andy BernardOpen quote: One more for the doc. (the office staff cheers)BartenderOpen quote: All right.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yes!Clark GreenOpen quote: Hey, how was the singing show audition?Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I feel scared a little.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah, I’m not ready for this.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No one is ready for this. You can’t be ready for this. We don’t even know what this is.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Here we go. (documentary starts with the first scene of “Pilot”)