All Episodes

Season 9 Episode 22

Every line from The Office episode "A.A.R.M.", season 9 episode 22.

Erin Hannon: The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin Malone: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. (Erin buzzes him into the office)
Dwight Schrute: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they’re protecting America’s real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day’s security codes. Something that’s been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It’s not the KGB, but it’s a start.
Erin Hannon: The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Dwight Schrute: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Erin Hannon: Close.
Dwight Schrute: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Erin Hannon: Colder.
Dwight Schrute: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Erin Hannon: No, I meant you’re getting colder. The correct response is, “the coffee in Peru is much hotter.”
Dwight Schrute: Ah, much, ok.
Erin Hannon: But, that’s three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. (Dwight begins to protest) Unless you want me to break protocol?
Dwight Schrute: No, no. Give me the steam.
Dwight Schrute: It’s just harmless steam to panic intruders. I’d like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
Dwight Schrute: (while getting steamed) Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!
Creed Bratton: (carrying in clothes on hangers) Oh, I’m saving a fortune on dry cleaning.
Philip: Mama!
Oscar Martinez: Angela, someone wants you.
Angela Martin: Ok, coming. Hi, baby.
Oscar Martinez: Angela’s divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it’s Angela who’s living in the closet. Hey-o.
Oscar Martinez: Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.
Esther: Go get ‘em, honey.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, don’t worry. They’ll get got.
Dwight Schrute: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check… on that later today. This is my grandmother’s ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother’s buttock bullet ring.
Andy Bernard: Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that’s premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
Check-in guy: Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
Andy Bernard: Yes!
Andy Bernard: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America’s Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It’s a really cool show, it’s like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!
Jim Halpert: Sales form for you to sign.
Dwight Schrute: You know what to do. (waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox) Ok
Dwight Schrute: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.
Jim Halpert: Aw, thanks, man.
Dwight Schrute: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we’ve overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War—
Jim Halpert: No.
Dwight Schrute: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.
Jim Halpert: Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
Pam Beesly: Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.
Jim Halpert: All depends on the conference room meeting itself. (phone chimes) Uh, okay.
Pam Beesly: Is that them again?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Maybe you should call back?
Jim Halpert: I will. I will.
Jim Halpert: The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that’s final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I’m not risking that again.
Pam Beesly: When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he’s giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he’s certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Welcome.
Jim Halpert: He welcomes you.
Dwight Schrute: Please take an agenda item.
Jim Halpert: Your agenda-taking pleases him.
Dwight Schrute: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. “Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.” (buzzer sound) That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.
Jim Halpert: Let’s not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you’re expecting a fax today, please don’t yell out, “Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.” Ok? That’s nonsense.
Pam Beesly: Question.
Jim Halpert: Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
Pam Beesly: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they’re delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, “Nice jugs”?
Jim Halpert: That’s obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
Everyone: (overlapping) Zero. No nonsense. You can’t have nonsense.
Dwight Schrute: (as Angela enters with Phillip) What is going on?
Angela Martin: Daycare won’t take Phillip anymore.
Oscar Martinez: Why?
Angela Martin: Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won’t forgive. So, hi.
Oscar Martinez: Hi, buddy.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today.
Jim Halpert: Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who’s excited?
Meredith Palmer: I’d better come out of this smelling like a rose. I’ve been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn’t for the cameras, I would’ve done some truly vulgar crap.
Stanley Hudson: Over the course of this documentary I’ve had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.
Dwight Schrute: I’m letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.
Kevin Malone: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard’s. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.
Oscar Martinez: I can’t believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.
Creed Bratton: This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast.
Andy Bernard: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.
Casey: Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! (singing) Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you.
Andy Bernard: No!
Casey: America wants it!
Andy Bernard: No, this is my time! You don’t belt on my time! I belt on my time.
Casey: (singing) Casey Dean!
Andy Bernard: (vocalizing over her) Casey Dean!
Casey: Man, those are some nice pipes.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Casey: What’s your name?
Andy Bernard: Andy. What’s yours?
Angela Martin: Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?
Oscar Martinez: Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?
Kevin Malone: Guys.
Angela Martin: Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.
Kevin Malone: Guys.
Angela Martin: Why don’t you pack it?
Kevin Malone: Guys.
Angela & Oscar: Kevin, what?
Kevin Malone: Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says “bold front” instead of “cold front”? It’s insane.
Angela Martin: Not now, Kevin. Can’t you see we’re busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks.
Oscar Martinez: Seriously, Kevin. I’m just gonna have to go to the store.
Angela Martin: Ok, you go to the store.
Kevin Malone: Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It’s all about Phillip. I hate Phillip.
Dwight Schrute: Not now! Private time!
Jim Halpert: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy—
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey! Seriously? (holds up Battlestar Galactica model box)
Jim Halpert: My god, I’m so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
Dwight Schrute: Which is, of course…
Jim Halpert: Potential future nonsense.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.
Jim Halpert: I’m gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You’ve got a regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: The power source.
Jim Halpert: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: A loyal, but bungling apostle.
Jim Halpert: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Dwight Schrute: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Jim Halpert: Exactly.
Dwight Schrute: I’d have to get some more wire and string, but it’s doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they’re willing to pass some tests.
Dwight Schrute: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
Jim Halpert: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
Dwight Schrute: That doesn’t sound crazy, Jim. That’s the sanest thing I’ve ever heard.
Casey: What’re you listening to?
Andy Bernard: Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440.
Casey: Oh, sweet.
Andy Bernard: A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.
Mark McGrath: What’s up, everybody? And welcome to America’s Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!
Casey: Ah! It’s Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You’re gorgeous!
Mark McGrath: Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!
Andy Bernard: There’s a mole?
Mark McGrath: Oops. I’m not supposed to—I’m not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?
Andy Bernard: What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Mark McGrath: Good man right there. I’ll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?
Andy Bernard: Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
Casey: What? On a roll much?
Andy Bernard: I don’t know where it came from.
Casey: That was amazing, man!
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.
Casey: Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
Andy Bernard: I did, I felt it.
Casey: Big time.
Pam Beesly: What are you so excited about?
Jim Halpert: Nothing.
Pam Beesly: What are you up to?
Jim Halpert: Members of the office, hear ye.
Dwight Schrute: That means ye, Plop!
Pete Miller: Plop? Still?
Dwight Schrute: We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?
Pete Miller: Fine.
Jim Halpert: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Erin Hannon: Aw, heck ya!
Pam Beesly: Nice.
Dwight Schrute: You’ll always have the upper hand, when you’ve got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Jim Halpert: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that’s for fueling only. No savoring.
Dwight Schrute: Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.
Jim Halpert: He envies you.
Dwight Schrute: You don’t need to repeat right now, when I’m saying it.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Jim Halpert: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.
Darryl Philbin: What up?
Glenn: What’s going on? How was the delivery?
Darryl Philbin: Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I’m here.
Darryl Philbin: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
Jim Halpert: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
Meredith Palmer: Uh, two.
Jim Halpert: 985,000,000,000,017.
Dwight Schrute: Not even close, Meredith. Come on!
Jim Halpert: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?
Pam Beesly: Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other’s minds. You’re trying to give your wife this job.
Jim Halpert: That’s exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?
Pete Miller: A horse.
Jim Halpert: Ew, the exact opposite, actually.
Pete Miller: What’s the opposite of a horse?
Jim Halpert: Come on.
Jim & Dwight: Sea horse.
Jim Halpert: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna—
Jim & Dwight: Say that? Uncanny.
Jim Halpert: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?
Clark Green: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Do you want a corn dog?
Clark Green: I would love a corn dog.
Jim Halpert: We’ll see. You are an assistant who’s just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.
Clark Green: (reading) Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.”
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no! You don’t read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There’s no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don’t have diplomatic relations.
Jim Halpert: Uncanny.
Soldier: I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they’ll feel like anything is possible.
Andy Bernard: Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.
Casey: Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids.
Andy Bernard: What?
Casey: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?
Casey: I don’t know. But I’m getting really worried here.
Andy Bernard: Me too. Hold my place in line.
Casey: Where are you going?
Andy Bernard: They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.
Darryl Philbin: Thanks, man.
Hank Tate: Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: Yep. Take care.
Pam Beesly: Darryl, hey.
Darryl Philbin: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Cool, are you coming back to say hi?
Darryl Philbin: No, no, I’m not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn’t say goodbye to.
Pam Beesly: Aha. How’s Athlead?
Darryl Philbin: We livin’ like rock stars. I’m about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Darryl Philbin: Jim really doesn’t want to come?
Pam Beesly: He says he doesn’t want to.
Darryl Philbin: Wow. Man. I hope he doesn’t regret it.
Pam Beesly: Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl Philbin: Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
Pam Beesly: That’s what he says.
Darryl Philbin: If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then.
Jim Halpert: An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?
Dwight Schrute: A thousand times more.
Phyllis Vance: I’ll try this one.
Jim Halpert: Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course.
Phyllis Vance: (grabbing the coffee) Hot!
Jim Halpert: Yeah. It’s real. It’s the only way you’ll learn. OK, and go ahead. (Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course) Oh, god, nice! She’s through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!
Dwight Schrute: (over Jim) No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?
Jim Halpert: Look at that form.
Dwight Schrute: (running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis) Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! (races through obstacles, spilling coffee) Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here’s your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!
Jim Halpert: Uncanny. (everyone applauds)
Erin Hannon: Darryl?! Darryl!
Kevin Malone: Whoa.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, hey. Hey, what’s up, y’all?
Erin Hannon: You left us without saying goodbye.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody.
Meredith Palmer: Hey! No way!
Kevin Malone: That’s totally uncool.
Erin Hannon: Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.
Darryl Philbin: I don’t think I sh-
Erin Hannon: Get upstairs, mister!
Meredith Palmer: Yeah!
Kevin Malone: Right. Now.
Darryl Philbin: Guess I’m going upstairs.
Jim Halpert: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing—none of these people are good enough.
Dwight Schrute: I know.
Jim Halpert: What I’m about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I’ve ever said.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-
Jim Halpert: Is-
Dwight Schrute: Me.
Jim Halpert: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! (weak applause) Thank you.
Jim Halpert: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. (Dwight awkwardly squats) That’s it. You look really, really good.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: You all right? What’s going on?
Pam Beesly: Are you happy?
Jim Halpert: Yes, I’m happy.
Pam Beesly: No, I know that you’re, like, happy and, like, you had fun today.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: And that was fun. But what about a year from now?
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: What about five years from now?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Because I’m so glad you’re back, baby, but I’m just—I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you’re giving up so much.
Jim Halpert: This was my decision, not yours.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: You didn’t force me.
Pam Beesly: I kind of forced you to do it.
Jim Halpert: You did not force me to do this.
Pam Beesly: Yes, I did.
Jim Halpert: I don’t know how else to tell you.
Pam Beesly: I’m afraid that you’re gonna resent me and I’m afraid that—
Jim Halpert: Resent you?
Pam Beesly: This is not enough for you and I’m afraid that I’m not enough for you.
Jim Halpert: Is that really what you think?
Jim Halpert: Not enough? I don’t know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it’s against the rules but I’m gonna need a favor from you guys.
Camera Crew: Okay. You got it, man.
Darryl Philbin: I didn’t realize we were this close.
Phyllis Vance: We’re all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Meredith Palmer: Are you gonna come to Poor Richard’s and watch with us tonight?
Darryl Philbin: Uh… yeah. Depending on traffic.
Stanley Hudson: He ain’t coming.
Erin Hannon: Oh, god!
Darryl Philbin: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.
Darryl Philbin: Well, it’s been great.
Phyllis Vance: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he’s gone for who knows how long.
Darryl Philbin: Maybe forever. Anyhow—
Oscar Martinez: Did we ever have lunch together, just—just the two of us? You know what, I’m gonna make reservations right now at Cugino’s.
Meredith Palmer: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Darryl Philbin: Oh, oh, I’m sure we did.
Meredith Palmer: Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.
Clark Green: Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.
Erin Hannon: Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl’s next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we’ll get this started.
Darryl Philbin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that’s on me. But I’m not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you’re feeling sentimental.
Meredith Palmer: You have to! (everyone grumbling)
Darryl Philbin: Hey, hey, hey. I’ll do one thing with y’all.
Phyllis Vance: Which thing?
Darryl Philbin: I don’t care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though.
Angela Martin: Kevin, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. (continues making noise)
Angela Martin: Kevin, could you not do that?
Kevin Malone: What? I’m moving the ink down in my pen, for work.
Oscar Martinez: Here, use my pen.
Kevin Malone: Don’t tell me what to do!
Angela & Oscar: Shhh!
Kevin Malone: No, I don’t need this! And you obviously don’t need me.
Angela Martin: Kevin, where are you going?
Kevin Malone: Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
Oscar Martinez: He just won’t go down. It’s as if he’s excited by all this paper.
Angela Martin: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Dwight Schrute: Smart baby. That’s the most flavorful bond.
Andy Bernard: Hey, what’s goin’ on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young’uns?
Casey: You’re back!
Andy Bernard: No, it’s me, Andy!
Casey: No, I know.
Andy Bernard: No, no, no. I’m wearing makeup.
Casey: You did a really great job. You even look shorter.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I took out my lifts.
Casey: Oh.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.
Casey: Oh.
Esther: All day long, it’s moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.
Dwight Schrute: Oink the pigs, that is very important. (watching Phillip)
Esther: Dwight, I’m telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.
Dwight Schrute: (puts his grandmother’s ring away) Thank you, Esther.
Esther: Bye.
Jim Halpert: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?
Dwight Schrute: I need you to perform a test.
Jim Halpert: Perform a test.
Dwight Schrute: On an innocent baby.
Jim Halpert: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I’m gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don’t worry, he’s the best in the biz.
Dwight Schrute: Damn straight.
Jim Halpert: Unless you think he can’t handle it.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, he can handle it.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Oscar Martinez: (holding Phillip) Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley’s sleeping. You don’t want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
Stanley Hudson: I heard that.
Phillip: Mama.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there’s no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.
Pam Beesly: He does have a gift.
Oscar Martinez: Well, he’s calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.
Phillip: Mama.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. (takes Phillip who immediately stops crying) You ever been in a manager’s office before?
Dwight Schrute: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It’s called “Schrute or Consequences.” You’re gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?
Phillip: Beet.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you’re no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.
Check-in guy: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions.
People in line: Oh come on! Hey!
Andy Bernard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Check-in guy: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America’s Next A Cappella Sensa—
Andy Bernard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t do that. You can’t do that, we’ve all been waiting.
Check-in guy: Okay.
Andy Bernard: I am going in there! Don’t—
Check-in guy: No, you’re not, sir.
Andy Bernard: Don’t—don’t—
Check-in guy: Please don’t.
Andy Bernard: Don’t touch me.
Check-in guy: I’m not touching you. Okay? (Andy makes a break for it)
Casey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don’t you dare. Don’t get—I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I’m Casey Dean! You’ll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won’t be seeing the last of me!
Oscar Martinez: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don’t know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
Dwight Schrute: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he’s being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Kevin Malone: He’s not that smart. He doesn’t know where I hid his duck.
Andy Bernard: (interrupting contestant singing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera) Hi. You’re still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You’re like, my three favorite people ever.
Santigold: What is this?
Andy Bernard: (shushing contestant) Sweetheart, you’re amazing, okay? You’re obviously gonna be on the show, so it’s someone else’s turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, (old man voice) my name is Ezra Cornell and I’m just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
Aaron Rodgers: No, you’re a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
Andy Bernard: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.
Clay Aiken: No, we do not want to hear you sing.
Santigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.
Andy Bernard: Nope! Can’t end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss’s car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
Aaron Rodgers: Flag on the play.
Andy Bernard: That’s—that’s what—yeah. Okay, all right, well, here’s the song. (singing) Far above Cayuga’s waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater—
Santigold: What is this song?
Andy Bernard: Are you insane? It’s the Cornell fight song.
Clay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we’re not interested.
Andy Bernard: You didn’t let me finish. That’s not fair.
Aaron Rodgers: Look, man, you’re not terrible. We’ve heard a lot of really good singers today and you’re just not good enough.
Andy Bernard: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that’s the show. Let me try a different song, okay?
Aaron Rodgers: Can he do this?
Andy Bernard: (singing) Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you’re never fully dressed without a smile. (falters at the judges’ reactions) Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly—
Santigold: Look, you gotta go. (Andy falls to his knees, sobbing) You can’t just sit here and cry.
Andy Bernard: Oh I can so just sit here and cry!
Jim Halpert: (addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk) Thank you.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?
Kevin Malone: Can’t hear you. I’m giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?
Oscar Martinez: Okay, I guess, it’s just that Phillip got you something.
Angela Martin: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
Oscar Martinez: I think there’s, like, $7 left.
Angela Martin: It’s just his way of saying, “Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.”
Kevin Malone: Phillip got this for me?
Oscar Martinez: Sure.
Kevin Malone: That was a really cool move.
Angela Martin: Would you like to hold Phillip? (hands off Phillip) Yeah. That’s Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Whoa.
Oscar Martinez: Easy.
Kevin Malone: What a chubbers. Whoa.
Angela Martin: Okay, watch it.
Kevin Malone: I’m losing my balance.
Angela Martin: No, Kevin, no.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, no.
Kevin Malone: Whoa!
Oscar Martinez: No horseplay.
Angela Martin: Stop it.
Kevin Malone: You wanna play with the cactus?
Angela Martin: No, no!
Kevin Malone: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we’re gonna be best friends. He’s a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.
Erin Hannon: We have our decision.
Darryl Philbin: You chose one thing?
Erin Hannon: We want to dance with you.
Darryl Philbin: You want to dance?
Erin Hannon: One dance, all of us together.
Darryl Philbin: This is what you want?
Erin Hannon: Absolutely.
Darryl Philbin: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we’re gonna do this right.
Erin Hannon: Yes! (Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer)
Angela Martin: Hey. You wanted to see me?
Dwight Schrute: Door. Chair. It’s about Phillip.
Angela Martin: I am sorry he’s here today but I had—
Dwight Schrute: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
Angela Martin: How thoughtful.
Dwight Schrute: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let’s face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man’s closet.
Angela Martin: If he is your son, that’s a great plan. But he’s not. He’s not your son.
Dwight Schrute: Very well.
Angela Martin: Can I go back to my desk now?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Pam Beesly: What is this?
Jim Halpert: Well I’ve been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn’t believe me, so (shows her DVD) I needed a little help.
Dwight Schrute: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Jim Halpert: OK, I don’t have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.
Dwight Schrute: (throws “now” beanbag at Jim) Now.
Jim Halpert: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.
Dwight Schrute: Jim. I’m not kidding. I need you.
Pam Beesly: Go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Ok, um, this is… (leaves DVD with her)—I’ll be right back.
Jim Halpert: What do we got?
Dwight Schrute: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Jim Halpert: Wow! Congratulations, that’s a really big step.
Dwight Schrute: She’s got a ton of great qualities. She’s young, she’s beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we’re third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn’t technically incest.
Jim Halpert: Right in the sweet spot. I think you’re gonna be really happy.
Dwight Schrute: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.
Jim Halpert: (whistles) That’s a lot of pros.
Dwight Schrute: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.
Jim Halpert: So what is the problem?
Dwight Schrute: Angela.
Pam Beesly: (hesitates but puts the DVD into the laptop to watch)
Jim Halpert: I don’t know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I’ve been faced with a tough decision, there’s only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Dwight Schrute: Some sort of virus?
Jim Halpert: Love.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Pam Beesly: (starts the video; title screen reads “Beesly—You think I’ll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won’t…”; highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrol’s “Open Your Eyes”)
Jim Halpert: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who’s gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight Schrute: You’re a good assistant, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Not as good as you.
Dwight Schrute: That’s very true. Get the hell outta here.
Jim Halpert: You got it.
Jim Halpert: You watched it.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Well, then I guess you’re ready for this. (gives her the Christmas card)
Pam Beesly: What’s that?
Jim Halpert: It’s from the teapot. Everything you’ll ever need to know is in that note. (Pam reads the card) Not enough for me? You are everything.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Erin Hannon: Ok, everybody ready?
Phyllis Vance: Hit it, red! (“Boogie Wonderland” by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office)
Darryl Philbin: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I’m gonna miss these guys.
Oscar Martinez: Ok, I’ve got my—
Meredith Palmer: See you guys at Poor Richard’s, all right?
Oscar Martinez: All right, Meredith.
Angela Martin: Okay, bye.
Oscar Martinez: See you there.
Kevin Malone: Bye, Phillip. High five.
Oscar Martinez: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother’s, and I’ll meet you at Poor Richard’s in an hour.
Angela Martin: Are you sure you don’t want me to drop him off?
Oscar Martinez: She doesn’t know I’m living with a straight woman. I don’t want to get her hopes up.
Angela Martin: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!
Oscar Martinez: Oh, my goodness.
Dwight Schrute: (in bullhorn) Pull over!
Angela Martin: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Move to the side of the road!
Angela Martin: Why?
Dwight Schrute: Pull over!
Angela Martin: What do you—Dwight! (Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over)
Angela Martin: (getting out of her car) Dwight! What the (bleep) is your problem!
Dwight Schrute: (on bullhorn still) Shut up, woman!
Angela Martin: Who drives like that?
Dwight Schrute: Listen to me! I love you! And I don’t care that Phillip’s not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
Angela Martin: Can you put that down?
Dwight Schrute: This expresses how loudly I love you.
Angela Martin: It’s too loud.
Dwight Schrute: (puts down bullhorn and kneels) This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela Martin: Okay, yes—yes, I will! (they kiss) I love you!
Dwight Schrute: I love you!
Angela Martin: And I lied to you.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Angela Martin: Phillip’s your son.
Dwight Schrute: What? Why would you say that—
Angela Martin: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight Schrute: (excited) Get out! I’m a dad!
Angela Martin: You’re a dad!
Creed Bratton: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor’s up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. (Dwight kisses Creed’s head) Oh!
Erin Hannon: You have to change the channel to PBS.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Bartender: College baseball is on.
Erin Hannon: But there’s a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.
Bartender: What’s it about?
Erin Hannon: A paper company.
Bartender: How many people want the game? (half the bar cheers) Who wants PBS? (other half cheers) Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
Kevin Malone: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
Andy Bernard: One more for the doc. (the office staff cheers)
Bartender: All right.
Kevin Malone: Yes!
Clark Green: Hey, how was the singing show audition?
Andy Bernard: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.
Creed Bratton: Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!
Kevin Malone: I feel scared a little.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I’m not ready for this.
Stanley Hudson: No one is ready for this. You can’t be ready for this. We don’t even know what this is.
Oscar Martinez: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
Jim Halpert: Here we go. (documentary starts with the first scene of “Pilot”)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 9. A.A.R.M. is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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