Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

A.A.R.M.

Vol. 9 · Issue 22Scranton, PA

You'll find every single line from the episode where Dwight sets up an elaborate trial for his new assistant and Jim proves once and for all that Pam is his whole world. This full script captures the chaos of Andy's singing audition and the heart-melting moment Dwight finally gets his girl. It's the perfect way to catch up on all the A.A.R.M. madness before the documentary premiere.

Scene 01

2 lines
Erin Hannon
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin Malone
But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. (Erin buzzes him into the office)

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they’re protecting America’s real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day’s security codes. Something that’s been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It’s not the KGB, but it’s a start.

Scene 03

10 lines
Erin Hannon
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Dwight Schrute
But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Erin Hannon
Close.
Dwight Schrute
This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Erin Hannon
Colder.
Dwight Schrute
The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Erin Hannon
No, I meant you’re getting colder. The correct response is, “the coffee in Peru is much hotter.”
Dwight Schrute
Ah, much, ok.
Erin Hannon
But, that’s three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. (Dwight begins to protest) Unless you want me to break protocol?
Dwight Schrute
No, no. Give me the steam.

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
It’s just harmless steam to panic intruders. I’d like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.

Scene 05

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(while getting steamed) Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!
Creed Bratton
(carrying in clothes on hangers) Oh, I’m saving a fortune on dry cleaning.

Scene 06

3 lines
Philip
Mama!
Oscar Martinez
Angela, someone wants you.
Angela Martin
Ok, coming. Hi, baby.

Scene 07

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Angela’s divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it’s Angela who’s living in the closet. Hey-o.

Scene 08

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.

Scene 09

2 lines
Esther
Go get ‘em, honey.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, don’t worry. They’ll get got.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check… on that later today. This is my grandmother’s ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother’s buttock bullet ring.

Scene 11

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that’s premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
Check-in guy
Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
Andy Bernard
Yes!

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America’s Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It’s a really cool show, it’s like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!

Scene 13

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Sales form for you to sign.
Dwight Schrute
You know what to do. (waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox) Ok

Scene 14

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.
Jim Halpert
Aw, thanks, man.
Dwight Schrute
Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we’ve overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War—
Jim Halpert
No.
Dwight Schrute
Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.

Scene 15

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
Pam Beesly
Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.
Jim Halpert
All depends on the conference room meeting itself. (phone chimes) Uh, okay.
Pam Beesly
Is that them again?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Maybe you should call back?
Jim Halpert
I will. I will.

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that’s final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I’m not risking that again.

Scene 17

1 line
Pam Beesly
When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he’s giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he’s certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.

Scene 18

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
Welcome.
Jim Halpert
He welcomes you.
Dwight Schrute
Please take an agenda item.
Jim Halpert
Your agenda-taking pleases him.
Dwight Schrute
Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. “Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.” (buzzer sound) That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.
Jim Halpert
Let’s not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you’re expecting a fax today, please don’t yell out, “Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.” Ok? That’s nonsense.
Pam Beesly
Question.
Jim Halpert
Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
Pam Beesly
We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they’re delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, “Nice jugs”?
Jim Halpert
That’s obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
Everyone
(overlapping) Zero. No nonsense. You can’t have nonsense.
Dwight Schrute
(as Angela enters with Phillip) What is going on?
Angela Martin
Daycare won’t take Phillip anymore.
Oscar Martinez
Why?
Angela Martin
Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won’t forgive. So, hi.
Oscar Martinez
Hi, buddy.
Dwight Schrute
Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today.
Jim Halpert
Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who’s excited?

Scene 19

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I’d better come out of this smelling like a rose. I’ve been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn’t for the cameras, I would’ve done some truly vulgar crap.

Scene 20

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Over the course of this documentary I’ve had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

Scene 21

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
I’m letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.
Kevin Malone
Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard’s. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.

Scene 22

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I can’t believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.

Scene 23

1 line
Creed Bratton
This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast.

Scene 24

11 lines
Andy Bernard
This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.
Casey
Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! (singing) Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you.
Andy Bernard
No!
Casey
America wants it!
Andy Bernard
No, this is my time! You don’t belt on my time! I belt on my time.
Casey
(singing) Casey Dean!
Andy Bernard
(vocalizing over her) Casey Dean!
Casey
Man, those are some nice pipes.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Casey
What’s your name?
Andy Bernard
Andy. What’s yours?

Scene 25

12 lines
Angela Martin
Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?
Oscar Martinez
Why didn’t you pack the apple snacks?
Kevin Malone
Guys.
Angela Martin
Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.
Kevin Malone
Guys.
Angela Martin
Why don’t you pack it?
Kevin Malone
Guys.
Angela & Oscar
Kevin, what?
Kevin Malone
Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says “bold front” instead of “cold front”? It’s insane.
Angela Martin
Not now, Kevin. Can’t you see we’re busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks.
Oscar Martinez
Seriously, Kevin. I’m just gonna have to go to the store.
Angela Martin
Ok, you go to the store.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It’s all about Phillip. I hate Phillip.

Scene 27

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
Not now! Private time!
Jim Halpert
I love Star Wars as much as the next guy—
Dwight Schrute
Hey, hey! Seriously? (holds up Battlestar Galactica model box)
Jim Halpert
My god, I’m so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
Dwight Schrute
Which is, of course…
Jim Halpert
Potential future nonsense.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.
Jim Halpert
I’m gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You’ve got a regional manager.
Dwight Schrute
The power source.
Jim Halpert
Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight Schrute
A loyal, but bungling apostle.
Jim Halpert
But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Dwight Schrute
Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Jim Halpert
Exactly.
Dwight Schrute
I’d have to get some more wire and string, but it’s doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, right. I mean, unless they’re willing to pass some tests.
Dwight Schrute
I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
Jim Halpert
Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
Dwight Schrute
That doesn’t sound crazy, Jim. That’s the sanest thing I’ve ever heard.

Scene 28

19 lines
Casey
What’re you listening to?
Andy Bernard
Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440.
Casey
Oh, sweet.
Andy Bernard
A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.
Mark McGrath
What’s up, everybody? And welcome to America’s Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!
Casey
Ah! It’s Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You’re gorgeous!
Mark McGrath
Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!
Andy Bernard
There’s a mole?
Mark McGrath
Oops. I’m not supposed to—I’m not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?
Andy Bernard
What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Mark McGrath
Good man right there. I’ll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?
Andy Bernard
Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
Casey
What? On a roll much?
Andy Bernard
I don’t know where it came from.
Casey
That was amazing, man!
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.
Casey
Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
Andy Bernard
I did, I felt it.
Casey
Big time.

Scene 29

3 lines
Pam Beesly
What are you so excited about?
Jim Halpert
Nothing.
Pam Beesly
What are you up to?

Scene 30

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Members of the office, hear ye.
Dwight Schrute
That means ye, Plop!
Pete Miller
Plop? Still?
Dwight Schrute
We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?
Pete Miller
Fine.
Jim Halpert
Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Erin Hannon
Aw, heck ya!
Pam Beesly
Nice.
Dwight Schrute
You’ll always have the upper hand, when you’ve got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Jim Halpert
This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that’s for fueling only. No savoring.
Dwight Schrute
Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.
Jim Halpert
He envies you.
Dwight Schrute
You don’t need to repeat right now, when I’m saying it.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 31

1 line
Jim Halpert
By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.

Scene 32

3 lines
Darryl Philbin
What up?
Glenn
What’s going on? How was the delivery?
Darryl Philbin
Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I’m here.

Scene 33

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.

Scene 34

16 lines
Jim Halpert
A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
Meredith Palmer
Uh, two.
Jim Halpert
985,000,000,000,017.
Dwight Schrute
Not even close, Meredith. Come on!
Jim Halpert
Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?
Pam Beesly
Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Jim Halpert
Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other’s minds. You’re trying to give your wife this job.
Jim Halpert
That’s exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?
Pete Miller
A horse.
Jim Halpert
Ew, the exact opposite, actually.
Pete Miller
What’s the opposite of a horse?
Jim Halpert
Come on.
Jim & Dwight
Sea horse.
Jim Halpert
Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna—
Jim & Dwight
Say that? Uncanny.

Scene 35

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?
Clark Green
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Do you want a corn dog?
Clark Green
I would love a corn dog.
Jim Halpert
We’ll see. You are an assistant who’s just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.
Clark Green
(reading) Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.”
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no! You don’t read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There’s no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don’t have diplomatic relations.
Jim Halpert
Uncanny.

Scene 36

10 lines
Soldier
I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they’ll feel like anything is possible.
Andy Bernard
Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.
Casey
Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids.
Andy Bernard
What?
Casey
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?
Casey
I don’t know. But I’m getting really worried here.
Andy Bernard
Me too. Hold my place in line.
Casey
Where are you going?
Andy Bernard
They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.

Scene 37

17 lines
Darryl Philbin
Thanks, man.
Hank Tate
Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
Yep. Take care.
Pam Beesly
Darryl, hey.
Darryl Philbin
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Cool, are you coming back to say hi?
Darryl Philbin
No, no, I’m not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn’t say goodbye to.
Pam Beesly
Aha. How’s Athlead?
Darryl Philbin
We livin’ like rock stars. I’m about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Darryl Philbin
Jim really doesn’t want to come?
Pam Beesly
He says he doesn’t want to.
Darryl Philbin
Wow. Man. I hope he doesn’t regret it.
Pam Beesly
Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl Philbin
Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
Pam Beesly
That’s what he says.
Darryl Philbin
If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then.

Scene 38

29 lines
Jim Halpert
An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?
Dwight Schrute
A thousand times more.
Phyllis Vance
I’ll try this one.
Jim Halpert
Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course.
Phyllis Vance
(grabbing the coffee) Hot!
Jim Halpert
Yeah. It’s real. It’s the only way you’ll learn. OK, and go ahead. (Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course) Oh, god, nice! She’s through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!
Dwight Schrute
(over Jim) No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?
Jim Halpert
Look at that form.
Dwight Schrute
(running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis) Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! (races through obstacles, spilling coffee) Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here’s your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!
Jim Halpert
Uncanny. (everyone applauds)
Erin Hannon
Darryl?! Darryl!
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, hey. Hey, what’s up, y’all?
Erin Hannon
You left us without saying goodbye.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody.
Meredith Palmer
Hey! No way!
Kevin Malone
That’s totally uncool.
Erin Hannon
Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.
Darryl Philbin
I don’t think I sh-
Erin Hannon
Get upstairs, mister!
Meredith Palmer
Yeah!
Kevin Malone
Right. Now.
Darryl Philbin
Guess I’m going upstairs.
Jim Halpert
You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing—none of these people are good enough.
Dwight Schrute
I know.
Jim Halpert
What I’m about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I’ve ever said.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-
Jim Halpert
Is-
Dwight Schrute
Me.

Scene 39

4 lines
Jim Halpert
The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! (weak applause) Thank you.
Jim Halpert
I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. (Dwight awkwardly squats) That’s it. You look really, really good.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?

Scene 40

23 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
You all right? What’s going on?
Pam Beesly
Are you happy?
Jim Halpert
Yes, I’m happy.
Pam Beesly
No, I know that you’re, like, happy and, like, you had fun today.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
And that was fun. But what about a year from now?
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
What about five years from now?
Jim Halpert
Pam.
Pam Beesly
Because I’m so glad you’re back, baby, but I’m just—I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you’re giving up so much.
Jim Halpert
This was my decision, not yours.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
You didn’t force me.
Pam Beesly
I kind of forced you to do it.
Jim Halpert
You did not force me to do this.
Pam Beesly
Yes, I did.
Jim Halpert
I don’t know how else to tell you.
Pam Beesly
I’m afraid that you’re gonna resent me and I’m afraid that—
Jim Halpert
Resent you?
Pam Beesly
This is not enough for you and I’m afraid that I’m not enough for you.
Jim Halpert
Is that really what you think?

Scene 41

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Not enough? I don’t know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it’s against the rules but I’m gonna need a favor from you guys.
Camera Crew
Okay. You got it, man.

Scene 42

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
I didn’t realize we were this close.
Phyllis Vance
We’re all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Meredith Palmer
Are you gonna come to Poor Richard’s and watch with us tonight?
Darryl Philbin
Uh… yeah. Depending on traffic.
Stanley Hudson
He ain’t coming.
Erin Hannon
Oh, god!

Scene 43

1 line
Darryl Philbin
These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.

Scene 44

14 lines
Darryl Philbin
Well, it’s been great.
Phyllis Vance
Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he’s gone for who knows how long.
Darryl Philbin
Maybe forever. Anyhow—
Oscar Martinez
Did we ever have lunch together, just—just the two of us? You know what, I’m gonna make reservations right now at Cugino’s.
Meredith Palmer
Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Darryl Philbin
Oh, oh, I’m sure we did.
Meredith Palmer
Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.
Clark Green
Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.
Erin Hannon
Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl’s next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we’ll get this started.
Darryl Philbin
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that’s on me. But I’m not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you’re feeling sentimental.
Meredith Palmer
You have to! (everyone grumbling)
Darryl Philbin
Hey, hey, hey. I’ll do one thing with y’all.
Phyllis Vance
Which thing?
Darryl Philbin
I don’t care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though.

Scene 45

13 lines
Angela Martin
Kevin, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. (continues making noise)
Angela Martin
Kevin, could you not do that?
Kevin Malone
What? I’m moving the ink down in my pen, for work.
Oscar Martinez
Here, use my pen.
Kevin Malone
Don’t tell me what to do!
Angela & Oscar
Shhh!
Kevin Malone
No, I don’t need this! And you obviously don’t need me.
Angela Martin
Kevin, where are you going?
Kevin Malone
Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
Oscar Martinez
He just won’t go down. It’s as if he’s excited by all this paper.
Angela Martin
I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Dwight Schrute
Smart baby. That’s the most flavorful bond.

Scene 46

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, what’s goin’ on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young’uns?
Casey
You’re back!
Andy Bernard
No, it’s me, Andy!
Casey
No, I know.
Andy Bernard
No, no, no. I’m wearing makeup.
Casey
You did a really great job. You even look shorter.
Andy Bernard
Oh, I took out my lifts.
Casey
Oh.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.
Casey
Oh.

Scene 47

3 lines
Esther
All day long, it’s moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.
Dwight Schrute
Oink the pigs, that is very important. (watching Phillip)
Esther
Dwight, I’m telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?

Scene 48

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.

Scene 49

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
(puts his grandmother’s ring away) Thank you, Esther.
Esther
Bye.
Jim Halpert
You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?
Dwight Schrute
I need you to perform a test.
Jim Halpert
Perform a test.
Dwight Schrute
On an innocent baby.
Jim Halpert
Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I’m gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don’t worry, he’s the best in the biz.
Dwight Schrute
Damn straight.
Jim Halpert
Unless you think he can’t handle it.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, he can handle it.
Jim Halpert
All right.

Scene 50

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
(holding Phillip) Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley’s sleeping. You don’t want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
Stanley Hudson
I heard that.
Phillip
Mama.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there’s no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.
Pam Beesly
He does have a gift.
Oscar Martinez
Well, he’s calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.
Phillip
Mama.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. (takes Phillip who immediately stops crying) You ever been in a manager’s office before?

Scene 51

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It’s called “Schrute or Consequences.” You’re gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?
Phillip
Beet.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you’re no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.

Scene 52

13 lines
Check-in guy
Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions.
People in line
Oh come on! Hey!
Andy Bernard
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Check-in guy
But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America’s Next A Cappella Sensa—
Andy Bernard
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t do that. You can’t do that, we’ve all been waiting.
Check-in guy
Okay.
Andy Bernard
I am going in there! Don’t—
Check-in guy
No, you’re not, sir.
Andy Bernard
Don’t—don’t—
Check-in guy
Please don’t.
Andy Bernard
Don’t touch me.
Check-in guy
I’m not touching you. Okay? (Andy makes a break for it)
Casey
Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don’t you dare. Don’t get—I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I’m Casey Dean! You’ll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won’t be seeing the last of me!

Scene 53

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don’t know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
Dwight Schrute
That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he’s being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Kevin Malone
He’s not that smart. He doesn’t know where I hid his duck.

Scene 54

20 lines
Andy Bernard
(interrupting contestant singing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera) Hi. You’re still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You’re like, my three favorite people ever.
Santigold
What is this?
Andy Bernard
(shushing contestant) Sweetheart, you’re amazing, okay? You’re obviously gonna be on the show, so it’s someone else’s turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, (old man voice) my name is Ezra Cornell and I’m just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
Aaron Rodgers
No, you’re a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
Andy Bernard
Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.
Clay Aiken
No, we do not want to hear you sing.
Santigold
Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.
Andy Bernard
Nope! Can’t end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss’s car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
Aaron Rodgers
Flag on the play.
Andy Bernard
That’s—that’s what—yeah. Okay, all right, well, here’s the song. (singing) Far above Cayuga’s waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater—
Santigold
What is this song?
Andy Bernard
Are you insane? It’s the Cornell fight song.
Clay Aiken
Listen, all right, thank you very much, we’re not interested.
Andy Bernard
You didn’t let me finish. That’s not fair.
Aaron Rodgers
Look, man, you’re not terrible. We’ve heard a lot of really good singers today and you’re just not good enough.
Andy Bernard
Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that’s the show. Let me try a different song, okay?
Aaron Rodgers
Can he do this?
Andy Bernard
(singing) Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you’re never fully dressed without a smile. (falters at the judges’ reactions) Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly—
Santigold
Look, you gotta go. (Andy falls to his knees, sobbing) You can’t just sit here and cry.
Andy Bernard
Oh I can so just sit here and cry!

Scene 55

1 line
Jim Halpert
(addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk) Thank you.

Scene 56

22 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?
Kevin Malone
Can’t hear you. I’m giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?
Oscar Martinez
Okay, I guess, it’s just that Phillip got you something.
Angela Martin
Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
Oscar Martinez
I think there’s, like, $7 left.
Angela Martin
It’s just his way of saying, “Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.”
Kevin Malone
Phillip got this for me?
Oscar Martinez
Sure.
Kevin Malone
That was a really cool move.
Angela Martin
Would you like to hold Phillip? (hands off Phillip) Yeah. That’s Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Oscar Martinez
Easy.
Kevin Malone
What a chubbers. Whoa.
Angela Martin
Okay, watch it.
Kevin Malone
I’m losing my balance.
Angela Martin
No, Kevin, no.
Oscar Martinez
Hey, no.
Kevin Malone
Whoa!
Oscar Martinez
No horseplay.
Angela Martin
Stop it.
Kevin Malone
You wanna play with the cactus?
Angela Martin
No, no!

Scene 57

1 line
Kevin Malone
So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we’re gonna be best friends. He’s a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.

Scene 58

9 lines
Erin Hannon
We have our decision.
Darryl Philbin
You chose one thing?
Erin Hannon
We want to dance with you.
Darryl Philbin
You want to dance?
Erin Hannon
One dance, all of us together.
Darryl Philbin
This is what you want?
Erin Hannon
Absolutely.
Darryl Philbin
Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we’re gonna do this right.
Erin Hannon
Yes! (Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer)

Scene 59

10 lines
Angela Martin
Hey. You wanted to see me?
Dwight Schrute
Door. Chair. It’s about Phillip.
Angela Martin
I am sorry he’s here today but I had—
Dwight Schrute
I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
Angela Martin
How thoughtful.
Dwight Schrute
Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let’s face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man’s closet.
Angela Martin
If he is your son, that’s a great plan. But he’s not. He’s not your son.
Dwight Schrute
Very well.
Angela Martin
Can I go back to my desk now?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.

Scene 60

9 lines
Pam Beesly
What is this?
Jim Halpert
Well I’ve been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn’t believe me, so (shows her DVD) I needed a little help.
Dwight Schrute
Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Jim Halpert
OK, I don’t have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.
Dwight Schrute
(throws “now” beanbag at Jim) Now.
Jim Halpert
I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.
Dwight Schrute
Jim. I’m not kidding. I need you.
Pam Beesly
Go ahead.
Jim Halpert
Ok, um, this is… (leaves DVD with her)—I’ll be right back.

Scene 61

10 lines
Jim Halpert
What do we got?
Dwight Schrute
I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Jim Halpert
Wow! Congratulations, that’s a really big step.
Dwight Schrute
She’s got a ton of great qualities. She’s young, she’s beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we’re third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn’t technically incest.
Jim Halpert
Right in the sweet spot. I think you’re gonna be really happy.
Dwight Schrute
Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.
Jim Halpert
(whistles) That’s a lot of pros.
Dwight Schrute
And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.
Jim Halpert
So what is the problem?
Dwight Schrute
Angela.

Scene 62

1 line
Pam Beesly
(hesitates but puts the DVD into the laptop to watch)

Scene 63

4 lines
Jim Halpert
I don’t know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I’ve been faced with a tough decision, there’s only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Dwight Schrute
Some sort of virus?
Jim Halpert
Love.
Dwight Schrute
Oh.

Scene 64

1 line
Pam Beesly
(starts the video; title screen reads “Beesly—You think I’ll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won’t…”; highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrol’s “Open Your Eyes”)

Scene 65

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who’s gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight Schrute
You’re a good assistant, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Not as good as you.
Dwight Schrute
That’s very true. Get the hell outta here.
Jim Halpert
You got it.

Scene 66

6 lines
Jim Halpert
You watched it.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Well, then I guess you’re ready for this. (gives her the Christmas card)
Pam Beesly
What’s that?
Jim Halpert
It’s from the teapot. Everything you’ll ever need to know is in that note. (Pam reads the card) Not enough for me? You are everything.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.

Scene 67

2 lines
Erin Hannon
Ok, everybody ready?
Phyllis Vance
Hit it, red! (“Boogie Wonderland” by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office)

Scene 68

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I’m gonna miss these guys.

Scene 69

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
Ok, I’ve got my—
Meredith Palmer
See you guys at Poor Richard’s, all right?
Oscar Martinez
All right, Meredith.
Angela Martin
Okay, bye.
Oscar Martinez
See you there.
Kevin Malone
Bye, Phillip. High five.
Oscar Martinez
Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother’s, and I’ll meet you at Poor Richard’s in an hour.
Angela Martin
Are you sure you don’t want me to drop him off?
Oscar Martinez
She doesn’t know I’m living with a straight woman. I don’t want to get her hopes up.
Angela Martin
All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!
Oscar Martinez
Oh, my goodness.

Scene 70

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in bullhorn) Pull over!
Angela Martin
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Move to the side of the road!
Angela Martin
Why?
Dwight Schrute
Pull over!
Angela Martin
What do you—Dwight! (Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over)

Scene 71

17 lines
Angela Martin
(getting out of her car) Dwight! What the (bleep) is your problem!
Dwight Schrute
(on bullhorn still) Shut up, woman!
Angela Martin
Who drives like that?
Dwight Schrute
Listen to me! I love you! And I don’t care that Phillip’s not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
Angela Martin
Can you put that down?
Dwight Schrute
This expresses how loudly I love you.
Angela Martin
It’s too loud.
Dwight Schrute
(puts down bullhorn and kneels) This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela Martin
Okay, yes—yes, I will! (they kiss) I love you!
Dwight Schrute
I love you!
Angela Martin
And I lied to you.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Angela Martin
Phillip’s your son.
Dwight Schrute
What? Why would you say that—
Angela Martin
I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight Schrute
(excited) Get out! I’m a dad!
Angela Martin
You’re a dad!

Scene 72

20 lines
Creed Bratton
Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor’s up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. (Dwight kisses Creed’s head) Oh!
Erin Hannon
You have to change the channel to PBS.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Bartender
College baseball is on.
Erin Hannon
But there’s a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.
Bartender
What’s it about?
Erin Hannon
A paper company.
Bartender
How many people want the game? (half the bar cheers) Who wants PBS? (other half cheers) Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
Kevin Malone
Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
Andy Bernard
One more for the doc. (the office staff cheers)
Bartender
All right.
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Clark Green
Hey, how was the singing show audition?
Andy Bernard
Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.
Creed Bratton
Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!
Kevin Malone
I feel scared a little.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I’m not ready for this.
Stanley Hudson
No one is ready for this. You can’t be ready for this. We don’t even know what this is.
Oscar Martinez
One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
Jim Halpert
Here we go. (documentary starts with the first scene of “Pilot”)