Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Finale

Vol. 9 · Issue 23Scranton, PA

Here's the complete script for the emotional series finale. You'll find everything from Dwight and Angela's wedding to Andy's "good old days" quote. Every line from the episode is here, right down to the final "that's what she said."

Scene 01

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?
Camera Man
We’re getting bonus footage for the DVD.
Dwight Schrute
pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore.
Camera Man
It’ll be a pledge gift.
Dwight Schrute
PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I’m getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there’s a mini-reunion. A kind of a “where are they now” panel at a local theatre. It’ll be nice to see everyone again. (laughs) I haven’t seen Kevin since we let him go.

Scene 03

24 lines
Dwight Schrute
(mimicking trumpet) Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring.
Kevin Malone
Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Stanley Hudson
Ah, I’ve been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old.
Meredith Palmer
Speech!
Dwight Schrute
No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is…for…Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Yes! Wait, why?
Dwight Schrute
Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Kevin Malone
“Get out.”
Dwight Schrute
Uh-huh.
Kevin Malone
What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute
It’s a colloquial way of saying “you’re fired,” Kevin, which you are.
Pam Beesly
What? Dwight, you can’t do that.
Dwight Schrute
The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.
Everyone
What?!
Dwight Schrute
Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.
Everyone
Dwight…(overlapping objections)
Dwight Schrute
Based…on his merit.
Oscar Martinez
Ooh.
Jim Halpert
Umm….
Kevin Malone
I’m…good.
Pam Beesly
Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone’s ever been fired, Toby’s blocked it, so…
Toby Flenderson
Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think…
Dwight Schrute
Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here’s your cake. (squirts frosting on the top) Bye, bye Toby.
Kevin Malone
(crying) At least I got chocolate.

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
I bike to work now. Saves on gas, cheaper than a vasectomy and, uh, oh, yeah, it’s good for the environment too.

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center.

Scene 06

2 lines
Crowd
Whoo! Yeah
Jim Halpert
(to Cici) Can you clap! Can you clap for mom?

Scene 07

1 line
Jim Halpert
And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese.

Scene 08

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Angela, are you ready for the wedding?
Angela Martin
(whispering) Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. (scoffs) Look at Meredith. She’s disgusting. Those feet. They’re like the paws of an orangutan.
Pam Beesly
I think she looks good. Now that she’s wearing sports bras, we don’t see her boobs as much.
Dwight Schrute
That is all. Have a good morning.
Meredith Palmer
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
(after Angela kisses Dwight) What was that for?
Angela Martin
(laughing) To remind you that our wedding’s gonna be wonderful.
Dwight Schrute
Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.
Angela Martin
D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.
Angela Martin
I don’t…I don’t know why.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band “The Grass Roots” in the 1960’s. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military.

Scene 10

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Oh, some fudge?
Malcolm
Oh, thanks. I love your fudge.
Phyllis Vance
Thanks.
Malcolm
I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here.
Phyllis Vance
(laughing) Oh, you can afford it.

Scene 11

1 line
Phyllis Vance
After 16 years, it’s strange sitting across from somebody who isn’t Stanley. But…he’ll get there.

Scene 12

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, the limo’s gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready ‘cause I want to pack in a lot.
Zeke
Party time! Whorehouse!
Jim Halpert
Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwight’s night, okay?
Zeke
Well, you’re the bestisch mensch.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. He’s putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years I’ve done nothing but trick and prank him but tonight…only good surprises. “Guten Pranken”. (chuckles)

Scene 14

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won’t be necessary tonight.
Clark Green
Great, now we got three hours to fill.
Jim Halpert
Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isn’t going to show up?
Dwight Schrute
Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he’s been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.
Jim Halpert
Mose has been weird? That’s so unlike him.

Scene 15

1 line
Andy Bernard
Yeah, sure, I’ll talk about it. Why not? American’s next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition. And when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord. The clip went viral, as they say

Scene 16

2 lines
Casey Dean
You can’t just sit here and cry.
Andy Bernard
Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.

Scene 18

7 lines
Bill Hader
(fake crying)
Seth Mayers
Oh, Don’t. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don’t be such a baby.
Bill Hader
(crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes)
Seth Mayers
Oh, No. It’s gonna be alright.
Bill Hader
(pulling multiple tissues out)
Seth Mayers
It’s gonna be all right. For Weekend Update I’m Seth Meyers. That’s Baby Wawa. Good night.
Bill Hader
(still crying) Bye!

Scene 19

1 line
Andy Bernard
After my clip blew up, I actually got a call from the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. (pause) Not really my scene.

Scene 20

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
(on the phone) Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arby’s. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, you…hold on.
Dakota
Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. It’s..it’s all over the place. I don’t know what it means.
Oscar Martinez
That’s the reason Kevin got fired. It’s his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, (imitating Kevin) “A mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven.” He was home by 4:45 that day.

Scene 21

1 line
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the E.U. Thank you for flying me out here for the weekend. I’m looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow. Can’t wait to see everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Scene 22

9 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hello! (laughing) Hello!
Nellie Bertram
Oh.
Toby Flenderson
Hi! (goes to hug Nellie)
Nellie Bertram
No.
Toby Flenderson
Oh. (laughs nervously)
Nellie Bertram
How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr?
Nellie Bertram
No. And I thought I unfriended you.
Toby Flenderson
Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?

Scene 23

1 line
Toby Flenderson
[alone in cab} After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the great American novel. I have six roommates. Heh. Which are better than friends, you know ‘cause they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave.

Scene 24

27 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey-OH!
Meredith Palmer
Andy?
Oscar Martinez
You’re back?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Malcolm
(whispering to Phyllis) That’s Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert
Hey man, good to see you.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. Yeah,
Phyllis Vance
(hugging Andy). Andy…
Andy Bernard
Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.
Phyllis Vance
Andy, I’ve been worried about you. How are you?
Andy Bernard
A little warm.
Phyllis Vance
Poor, poor Andy.
Andy Bernard
(struggling) Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis.
Darryl Philbin
Hello, hello.
Jim Halpert
Hey!
Meredith Palmer
Darryl!
Andy Bernard
Hey!
Darryl Philbin
Hey, what’s up?
Andy Bernard
Didn’t I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?
Darryl Philbin
What? Must’ve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual.
Andy Bernard
Hmm.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, man. How are you doing? I, um…I didn’t call ‘cause I figured you changed the number.
Andy Bernard
No I didn’t change the number. All good though. Phone never rings.
Dwight Schrute
What? Ooh!
Andy Bernard
Surprise!
Dwight Schrute
I thought you guys couldn’t come.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet.

Scene 25

1 line
Jim Halpert
Kismet? Yeah, right. Pam and I came up with excuses for every other weekend. You remember my two lap band surgeries, right? Neither do I? “Guten Prank” number one.

Scene 26

15 lines
Darryl Philbin
You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, better ask Jim.
Jim Halpert
And Jim will say nothing.
Pam Beesly
(enters) Darryl! Andy!
Andy Bernard
Hey! Pam!
Darryl Philbin
Hey, Pam! How are you?
Pam Beesly
We’re fine. Yeah. (hugs both Darryl and Andy) And I’m sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldn’t you be?
Andy Bernard
Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly
Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. How’s the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time.
Darryl Philbin
I love it. And it’s Athleap now. And the city is amazing.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah. Yeah, it’s hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos are…for real.
Jim Halpert
Wow! That sounds incredible. (checking cell phone). Oh, guys. Limo’s here. Let’s do this. Change if you need to.
Oscar Martinez
Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Pam Beesly
Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy.

Scene 27

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
Yeah!
Andy Bernard
Aw!
Darryl Philbin
Woah-Oh! Haven’t been in one of these in forever.

Scene 28

1 line
Oscar Martinez
They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I’m a man. So I’m going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.

Scene 29

1 line
Oscar Martinez
WASSUUUUP! (laughing)

Scene 30

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn’t on the itinerary.
Jim Halpert
Get out.
Dwight Schrute
Jim…wha… Come on! What…what are you gonna whack me, Jim?
Jim Halpert
No, Dwight. You’ll be doing the whacking.
Dwight Schrute
A bazooka. You remembered.
Jim Halpert
Of course I did.
Dwight Schrute
(tearful laugh). Get out of my way.

Scene 31

3 lines
Everyone
OH! (all laugh and applaud after Dwight fires the bazooka)
Dwight Schrute
Woo! Okay!
Jim Halpert
Yeah! (to camera) Guten Prank number two.

Scene 32

17 lines
Jim Halpert
Private Room.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, brosef.
Dwight Schrute
Amazing.
Jim Halpert
Enjoy, enjoy.
Guy
Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry?
Jim Halpert
Okay, man, easy.
Guy
(fake cries)
Jim Halpert
Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
Jim, it’s fine. He’ll just get you on his cell phone and then that’ll go viral.
Darryl Philbin
That happens a lot?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success.
Oscar Martinez
Well, I bet it was a smash.
Andy Bernard
That’s how I got my new job in the admissions office.
Oscar Martinez
Is that a volunteer program or…
Andy Bernard
No. It’s a job. Things are going great.
Darryl Philbin
Let’s get a drink in you, huh?
Andy Bernard
Yes.

Scene 33

2 lines
Meredith Palmer
Whoo-hoo. Let’s get this party started!
Rachel
Where’s my angel.

Scene 34

3 lines
Angela Martin
This is my big sister Rachel.
Rachel
No, this is my big sister Angela.
Angela Martin
(laughs) We’re very close. We even have our own special language.

Scene 35

1 line
Rachel
(speaks in a special language)

Scene 36

2 lines
Angela Martin
People love it.
Rachel
They do.

Scene 37

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) Man, how long have we been sitting here?
Stripper
Hi, boys!
Everyone
Ohh…
Clark Green
Here we go!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, Thank God. We are famished!
Stripper
Hey, did somebody order the chef special?
Darryl Philbin
Right there.
Dwight Schrute
No, we haven’t ordered anything. No one’s even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? (music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight)
Stripper
I bet you boys have a big appetite.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, we do. So we’ll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups.
Stripper
Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that’s not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly?
Stripper
Ohh, shh. (places finger over Dwight’s lips)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef’s special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won’t work. That’s no good.

Scene 38

26 lines
Erin Hannon
Whoo!
Angela Martin
What? (knock at the door) Okay.
Pam Beesly
Oh, boy.
Erin Hannon
Oh!
Jakey
Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis Vance
Angela’s special repairman is here.
Angela Martin
Wait, what is this?
Meredith Palmer
Shut up. Jakey?
Jakey
Mom?
Pam Beesly
Wait, wait. What?
Jakey
Oh, man.
Meredith Palmer
No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend mom’s not here.
Pam Beesly
Uh, that seems inappropriate.
Meredith Palmer
Give the good show, my little entrepreneur.
Jakey
Okay.
Meredith Palmer
Take it off. (music play). Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripper’s only as good as his song.
Rachel
oh, wowee wow.
Angela Martin
Okay…
Pam Beesly
Whoo-hoo…go, Meredith’s stripper son.
Angela Martin
Rachel, are you all right?
Rachel
I don’t know! I don’t know.
Angela Martin
Oh geeze. (Jakey starts dancing on Angela). Oh, my God!
Meredith Palmer
Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. (pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela)
Angela Martin
Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith.
Meredith Palmer
Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey.
Angela Martin
(Jakey resumes dancing) Uh, no. It’s o…thank you. You know what? You don’t have to…oh no, no, no. No, no, no. It’s okay.

Scene 39

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Now, for the last time, I’d like a side salad with balsamic.
Clark Green
Dwight, for the last time, she’s not a waitress.
Dwight Schrute
You’re telling me!
Oscar Martinez
If you want her to leave, just tip her.
Dwight Schrute
What for? We haven’t even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? (to the dancing stripper) Do you have those? Those aren’t deep fried, right?

Scene 40

8 lines
Angela Martin
That was interesting. (creaking sound) What was that?
Phyllis Vance
It’s just the wind.
Angela Martin
Will you lock the door?
Phyllis Vance
Okay. (opens door) It’s just the wind, see? Nothing.
Angela Martin
Alright, see, you don’t have to leave the door wide open. We get it. It’s the wind. Just come and shut…(Mose grabs Angela and takes her away) OH! My God!
Everyone
(screams)
Erin Hannon
Phyllis!
Rachel
What’s happening?

Scene 41

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh, man, never thought I’d say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. (phone rings)
Jim Halpert
Oh, it’s the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela’s been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled.
Dwight Schrute
Good old Mose. (laughing)
Jim Halpert
They think it was Mose.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, great. He’s getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung.
Oscar Martinez
What is that?
Dwight Schrute
A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose.
Jim Halpert
Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you’d ever set foot in in this town?
Dwight Schrute
Right. Which one is that?
Jim Halpert
Mm, hey driver. Why don’t you take us to 3030 Adams?

Scene 42

16 lines
Jim Halpert
Is that Mose?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, it is! I am here for my bride!
Mose
Well, first, buy us a drink.
Everyone
If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink.
Dwight Schrute
Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! (Kevin turns around) Oh.
Kevin Malone
Well, well, well, well, well, well. That’s six “wells.” Did I get that number right, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
I heard you bought a bar, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Yes. I did. This one. Now get out!
Dwight Schrute
(to Mose) Why did you pick this place? (Mose points to Jim)
Jim Halpert
Ooh.
Dwight Schrute
You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch.
Jim Halpert
Nope, not a prank. I think it’s time for you to bury the hatchet.
Dwight Schrute
Waste of a good hatchet.
Jim Halpert
Okay, just talk.
Kevin Malone
Well, w…
Dwight Schrute
I heard you say “well” the first time.

Scene 43

1 line
Jim Halpert
I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrow’s his wedding day. You can’t be anything but happy on your wedding day.

Scene 44

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
It was nothing personal. It’s just that you were terrible at your job.
Kevin Malone
You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Dwight Schrute
No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer.
Kevin Malone
Is that all it was?
Dwight Schrute
That’s it.
Kevin Malone
Come here (hugs Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
I missed you Kevin.
Kevin Malone
I missed you!
Dwight Schrute
Ohh.

Scene 45

2 lines
Mose
Guten Prank.
Jim Halpert
Yes, Mose. Guten Prank number three.

Scene 46

1 line
Dwight Schrute
You’ve had your drink. Now where is my bride?

Scene 47

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Mose! What..ooh, Mose. (Mose opens trunk)
Angela Martin
What the (bleep) is your problem you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)?!

Scene 48

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey. Hey, is Angela coming or…
Dwight Schrute
No. We can’t see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Stanley Hudson
Hey guys.
Everyone
Stanley!
Erin Hannon
How’s Florida?
Stanley Hudson
Oh, great.

Scene 49

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Yes, I’m living in Florida now. Little town called Florida City, just on the edge of the everglades. The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat which was kinda fun. I sit on my porch all day, carving birds.

Scene 50

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Am I the only one that’s nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?
Pam Beesly
No, no, I’m fine.
Jim Halpert
Doesn’t seem like anyone cares about us anyway.
Stanley Hudson
I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years.
Andy Bernard
I’m sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.

Scene 51

1 line
Andy Bernard
(in video) Just sit here and cry, just sit here and cry! Oh I can so just sit here and cry. You guys are really mean. It can’t end like this you know. Slept in my car last night, quit my job. Burned all my bridges. And I did unspeakable things – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Are you insane? – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Chill out! (crying) Just sit here and cry…

Scene 52

1 line
Kevin Malone
(watching at his bar) People actually dance to this. It’s in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though.

Scene 53

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(laughing) Yeah, people hate you.
Andy Bernard
I’ll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home. (walks down the hall)

Scene 54

3 lines
Man
Hey! It’s Andy Bernard!
Everyone
Nard Dog! (cheers and claps) Ree-De-De-De-Doo! (repeats)
Andy Bernard
Ree-De-De-De-Doo!

Scene 55

4 lines
Man 1
How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv?
David Wallace
It’s like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. It’s kinda disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didn’t wanna know any of it.
Dwight Schrute
With today’s modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather it’s our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were.
Pete Miller
Uh, no one recognizes me. But not all my friends call me Plop. So… thanks PBS.

Scene 56

5 lines
Woman 1
Uh, Jim, that DVD in the last episode was so romantic. And, um, I think we’d all love to know, Pam, what romantic thing did you do to pay Jim back for leaving Athlead?
Pam Beesly
Well, I mean, How do you pay back someone for something like that? But, uh, I don’t know. I’m working on something.
Jim Halpert
She pays me back every day just by being my wife so that’s fine.
Everyone
Awww.
Jim Halpert
O-Kay.

Scene 57

3 lines
Woman 2
All I can say is, if I had Jim, he would have a free pass to do anything. I mean if I lucked into that… he could do anything. Anything.
Pam Beesly
(pause) I’m sorry. Is there a question?
Woman 2
Uh, no.

Scene 58

4 lines
Man 2
Pam, what was in that teapot letter?
Pam Beesly
Oh, um, well, you know, I… I just… I just think I would rather keep that private. You know, if you’d been filmed for nine years of your life, there’d be some things that you just wanna keep to yourself.
Man 2
I hear ya. What did it say?
Moderator
We’re gonna move on. Next question please.

Scene 59

2 lines
Man 3
Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobody’s actually filming you anymore?
Toby Flenderson
Yes.

Scene 60

2 lines
Woman 3
I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate?
Meredith Palmer
I got a beef with that. Um, for the first seven years, I was getting my PhD in School Psychology and they didn’t show it. Yes, I was getting hammered but, hey, it was college.

Scene 61

5 lines
Woman 4
I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how you’re soul mates. So, Pam, how could you doubt that when Jim moved to Philadelphia?
Jim Halpert
Um, you know what, I actually didn’t handle that move, uh, very gracefully. From not communicating to being a little selfish.
Pam Beesly
Listen, um… I was scared, you know? I loved what I had, and I didn’t want to risk it. And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too. Which was wrong because he’s shown me time and again. But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me that I had this fairy-tale romance. But there were a lot of times last year where it did not feel like a fairy tale. But then it got deeper, and it got stronger and now it’s better than a fairy tale. It’s like a long book that you never want to end. And you’re fine with that because you just never, ever wanna leave it.
Woman 4
Like Harry Potter.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, like Harry Potter.

Scene 62

12 lines
Joan
I have a question for Erin.
Erin Hannon
Really?
Joan
Yes. Um, the thing I found most compelling about the documentary was your search for your birth mother.
Erin Hannon
Thank you.
Joan
So my question is, um, do… don’t you hate her? I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her that you would hate her.
Erin Hannon
Maybe sometimes. But not like “hate” hate. More just like, “Mom, I hate you!” And then she would say “go to your room, young lady.” And I’d stamp my foot and run upstairs and I have a room, which is really cool. And then we’d just have dinner together. But I don’t know. I’d have to meet her. Thanks.
Joan
Erin…
Erin Hannon
Yes?
Joan
Um…Oh, Erin..
Erin Hannon
Yes? Is there a follow-up question? (realizes) Mom? (they hug)
Ed
Erin… Same question but about your dad? (they hug)
Moderator
Well, this feels like a good place to stop. Let’s thank all of our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today. (audience claps) Next week at the Scranton Cultural Center don’t forget, Irish Step Dancing semifinals. Winning team to Mid-Atlantic. (applause and scattering cheers)

Scene 63

3 lines
Kevin Malone
Where’s the, uh, basket for gifts?
Usher
Right there, sir.
Kevin Malone
Okay.

Scene 64

4 lines
Dakota
Hi, I’m Dakota.
Creed Bratton
Jeff Bomondo. I sell ceramic tile out of Newark.
Dakota
Nice.
Creed Bratton
My wife’s name is Kathryn. I can show you my social security card if it helps.

Scene 65

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Uck, Look at all this mud. Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos? I just saved you 600 bucks mister.
Ravi
Thanks for helping out, sweetie.
Ryan Howard
Kelly, you’re here.
Kelly Kapoor
Hey, Ryan!
Ryan Howard
Hey.
Kelly Kapoor
Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now?
Ryan Howard
No, this little guy is mine.

Scene 66

1 line
Ryan Howard
So I was dating this girl, and one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. Oldest story in the book. (baby squeals)

Scene 67

7 lines
Ryan Howard
Say “hi”, Drake.
Kelly Kapoor
Drake is your baby’s name?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor
That is an amazing name. I’m obsessed with Drake. His last album… it just touched me to pieces.
Ryan Howard
No Kelly, he’s no named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It’s Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.
Kelly Kapoor
Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. I’m obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total uggos.
Ravi
They’re called premature, sweetie. It’s good to see you again Ryan.

Scene 68

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Let me help you us.
Angela Martin
Thanks. (knees buckle) Oh. Ouch.
Pam Beesly
Oh, boy. Maybe your heels are too high.
Angela Martin
No, my heels aren't too high. It’s because I spent three hours in a car trunk. Thanks for not locking the door when I asked you to, Phyllis. (sighs) Sorry Phyllis. You didn’t know. As long as I can get to the altar.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I’m gonna get you to that altar. You can take that to the bank.

Scene 69

15 lines
Jim Halpert
You ready?
Dwight Schrute
(chuckles) You kidding? I was born ready. (mimicking heavy metal guitars)
Jim Halpert
Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Um… I don’t know how to tell you this, but… we have a little bit of a problem.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no. What?
Jim Halpert
The minister just told me that it’s tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, come on. I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Jim Halpert
I haven’t heard of it, obviously. But I’m out because I am significantly younger than you-
Dwight Schrute
Not… significant is a big word…
Jim Halpert
I think it’s definitely… Well, okay. Either way…
Dwight Schrute
I think you’re only a teeny…
Jim Halpert
Either way, Dwight… I can’t be there for you. I’m sorry.
Dwight Schrute
Jim.
Jim Halpert
I just…really wish there was something I could do. (looks off)
Dwight Schrute
(turns around) (whispering) Michael. I can’t believe you came.
Michael Scott
That’s what she said.

Scene 70

1 line
Jim Halpert
Best prank ever.

Scene 71

2 lines
Minister
As it is traditional to the Schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do.
Nellie Bertram
(to Joan) See, I get what they are trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow?

Scene 72

1 line
Kevin Malone
(reading) “Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is passed. The rain is over and gone. The time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is comely. “

Scene 73

4 lines
Minister
I now pronounce you man and wife. (everyone cheers) Release the doves! (doves do not move right away)
Kelly Kapoor
Oh.
Kevin Malone
That’s not…
Dwight Schrute
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. They’ll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab ‘em on in there.

Scene 74

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Everybody!

Scene 75

1 line
Jim Halpert
(dancing with Pam. They kiss) See, now you don’t owe me anything.

Scene 76

11 lines
Ryan Howard
Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And he’s hot.
Ravi
Oh, no.
Ryan Howard
I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second?
Ravi
Oh, yeah, you’re not feeling well little guy? Okay, sure. Should we go inside?
Ryan Howard
Actually, could you go inside? I’m feeling a little dehydrated. I could really use a little break, have some water.
Ravi
Are you sure you don’t wanna go in?
Kelly Kapoor
Ravi, just do it. That baby is burning up. Isn’t this, like what you live for? Just go. Go.
Ryan Howard
Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor
I don’t know, Ryan. Baby Drake didn’t look so good.
Ryan Howard
He’ll be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. He’s allergic but he’ll get over it fast. I had to talk to you.
Kelly Kapoor
You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me? (they kiss)

Scene 77

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills.
Pam Beesly
(with Michael) Oh, my gosh, it’s choreographed!
Pam Beesly
He just so happy to have a family plan.

Scene 78

2 lines
Ed
Where’d you learn to dance like that?
Erin Hannon
I don’t know. I’ve just always been really good at dancing.

Scene 79

3 lines
Toby Flenderson
(dancing with Pam) (sobbing)
Pam Beesly
Is it me? Is it Nellie?
Toby Flenderson
(sobbing) It’s everything.

Scene 80

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
(dancing with Stanley) I missed you.
Stanley Hudson
I missed you too.

Scene 81

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Lots of people think that Stanley Hudson’s a mean old grump. (laughs) But (crying) would a grump make this? It’s me. It’s me.

Scene 82

5 lines
Ryan Howard
I love you.
Kelly Kapoor
(laughing) I love you too.
Ryan Howard
We’re gonna be together forever.
Kelly Kapoor
We’re running off into the sunset.
Ryan Howard
I finally mastered commitment.

Scene 83

8 lines
Kevin Malone
(to Oscar) What was that stuff?
Ravi
Hey, has anyone seen Ryan… or Kelly?
Kevin Malone
Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.
Ravi
Oh, that’s it. Here. (hands Drake to Kevin) Call child services and report an abandoned baby. We’ll find a better parent than Ryan in no time.
Kevin Malone
Oh, I don’t know.
Nellie Bertram
Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who will… who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves.
Kevin Malone
Hey, this is better. (hands Drake to Nellie)
Nellie Bertram
Yes. It is. Oh yes it is.

Scene 84

1 line
Nellie Bertram
If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to fine me. We’ll be somewhere in Europe. (looking at Drake) Won’t we?

Scene 85

1 line
Michael Scott
(crying) I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.

Scene 86

14 lines
Darryl Philbin
Thank you go much.
Dwight Schrute
Good night.
Toby Flenderson
Good luck.
Val
Great. It was really fun.
Dwight Schrute
Good evening.
Val
The Doc crew’s throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I heard. It sounds kinda lame. (to camera) No offense. You going, Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, I don’t know. I might turn in early.
Andy Bernard
It’s only 6:00. Come on, everybody’s going.
Meredith Palmer
You have to go, Toby.
Pete Miller
Yeah, come on, Tobes.
Val
Come on.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah. I’ll stop by.
Pete Miller
There he is!

Scene 87

28 lines
Pam Beesly
I need to get out of this dress.
Jim Halpert
I gotta get out of this dress.
Carol
Oh, I’m sorry Pam.
Jim Halpert
What’s going on?
Pam Beesly
(sighs) (whispering) Why are you still here?
Carol
(whispering) I’m so sorry. They were an hour late.
Jim Halpert
No, really, what’s going on?
Pam Beesly
Okay, Okay. Um… so… this past year has been really great, and you’ve been great and I just… I know that you had to make this choice and you had to give something up for me. But I never want you to have to give up anything. I just thought if I could get us an offer then there wouldn’t be anything standing in our way and I could come to you with this big Jim gesture… and show you all at once just how much I love you and how much I really do believe in your future.
Jim Halpert
Sorry, how long have you been showing the house?
Pam Beesly
About 2 months
Jim Halpert
That’s why it’s so clean.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
I mean, you were gonna do this without me?
Pam Beesly
Well, you… you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you.
Jim Halpert
Oh… okay. Where would we go?
Pam Beesly
Austin? Maybe.
Jim Halpert
I promise you, you don’t have to do this for me.
Pam Beesly
I’m doing it for us.
Jim Halpert
The last…
Buyer
Okay. We’ll take it.
Jim Halpert
(to the buyer) Hold on a second. (to Pam) The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care about…
Pam Beesly
Hold on a second. (turning) Wait, what did you just say?
Buyer
We wanna buy your house.
Jim Halpert
You wanna do this?
Pam Beesly
I wanna do this.
Jim Halpert
You really want to do this?
Pam Beesly
I really want to do this!
Jim Halpert
(hugging Pam) (laughing) Oh my God!

Scene 88

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Darryl. (whispers in his ear)
Darryl Philbin
What? All right!
Pam Beesly
We’re so excited.

Scene 89

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
Cool.
Woman
Oh, that’s for PBS executives only.
Stanley Hudson
I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.

Scene 90

2 lines
David Wallace
I think your ideas are fantastic, Oscar. I’d love to contribute to your campaign.
Oscar Martinez
Thank you David.

Scene 91

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Uh, could I please have your attention? So a year ago, I got my first art commission to paint a mural for Dunder Mifflin and I decided to paint the history of paper…,which was just some trees and stuff. And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it and I had to start from the beginning. But it all worked out for the best because I think that I’ve painted the perfect thing which is the history of us. All of us. And this is for you Jim. (applause) And go ahead! (drape drops and everyone cheers)
Pam Beesly
Everyone, Let’s take our picture in front of the mural. Oh, um, I just…I kind of meant just everybody from the office.

Scene 92

1 line
Photographer
(taking pictures) Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, that’s great. I got enough. Thank you, everybody.

Scene 93

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(whispering to Pam) Let’s go outside
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 94

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
Okay, I need a drink.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, we all need a drink. (opening Meredith’s drawer) What the…there’s only dandelion tea and raisins in here.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, bottom drawer.
Kevin Malone
Yes!

Scene 95

1 line
Pam Beesly
(answering the phone) Dunder Mifflin, This is Pam. Oh, I’m sorry. Jim Halpert doesn’t work here anymore.

Scene 96

1 line
Pam Beesly
I didn’t watch the whole documentary. After a few episodes, it was too painful. I kept wanting to scream at Pam. It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been. Jim was 5 feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person. I’m really happy now. But…it would just…just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself “be strong, trust yourself, love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn’t that long.”

Scene 97

1 line
Kevin Malone
If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it’s that if you film anybody long enough, they’re going to do something stupid. It’s only human natural.

Scene 98

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey guys.
Angela Martin
Hi.
Everyone
Hey!
Pam Beesly
What about the honeymoon?
Angela Martin
Oh, the honeymoon can wait till tomorrow. We wanted to hang out with you guys. I mean, when are we all going to be here together again?
Dwight Schrute
Aww, J, P and D. The Three Amigos. Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say, when I get back from out honeymoon, the three of us have a conference room meeting just for fun? (pause) What is that meaningful look?
Jim Halpert
You know what? Maybe we should talk.

Scene 99

3 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey, come here. You guys need to see this.
Kevin Malone
What is it?
Andy Bernard
(on the computer) You’re probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn...

Scene 100

10 lines
Pam Beesly
I finally feel ready. Athlead is growing…
Jim Halpert
Athleap.
Pam Beesly
And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. We’ll come back to visit. But I think it’s time for us to officially…
Dwight Schrute
No, don’t say it. You’re fired! You’re both fired!
Jim Halpert
Dwight, come on. Don’t end on a bad note.
Dwight Schrute
Don’t be an idiot. It’s for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year you’ve been here. That’s the max.
Pam Beesly
Thanks Dwight.
Jim Halpert
Hey, and if you’re ever in Austin...
Dwight Schrute
Woah. Right. For what, the art? The music? The incredible nightlife? No thank you. But if you’re ever in the area, you’ll always have a place to stay…in my barn.
Jim Halpert
There it is.

Scene 101

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don’t have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So… have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let’s see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So…yes. I’d say I have gotten along with my subordinates.

Scene 102

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(on computer) You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because you’re about to leave Cornell. So say it with me: (all): Oh, I can so just sit here and cry.
Kevin Malone
Oh, Yes!
Darryl Philbin
You did good. Real good.
Andy Bernard
Thanks Dad…Darryl.

Scene 103

1 line
Andy Bernard
I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, I’m exactly where I wanna be. I got my dream job at Cornell and I’m still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they’re the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. (pause) Someone should write a song about that.

Scene 104

1 line
Oscar Martinez
You take something ordinary, like a piece of paper. It’s not much. But if you see it in the right way…And that’s what you did with this documentary. But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn’t once show me doing my origami.

Scene 105

1 line
Creed Bratton
(walking out of the bathroom discovered by all) Uh..ohh!

Scene 106

1 line
Creed Bratton
(playing guitar and singing) I saw a friend today. It had been a while. And we forgot each others names. But it didn’t matter. ‘Cause deep inside the feeling still remained the same…

Scene 107

1 line
Jim Halpert
Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakes…and grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love, watch yourself become a husband, become a father. You guys gave that to me. And that’s…an amazing gift.

Scene 108

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome.
Jim Halpert
Thanks Phyl.
Creed Bratton
I still have my medal from that.
Angela Martin
Do you even have a mattress?
Creed Bratton
No, but I still have my medal from that.

Scene 109

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Oscar. Oscar. (crying) I think I’m gay.
Oscar Martinez
Why do you say that?
Kevin Malone
(sniffles) It’s just that I’m so emotional.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, but you’re not gay. You’re not gay.
Kevin Malone
No, but maybe the reason…
Oscar Martinez
You’re not gay.

Scene 110

1 line
Creed Bratton
(still playing and singing) And all the faces that I know have that same familiar glow. I think I must have known them somewhere once before.

Scene 111

1 line
Erin Hannon
How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt and how made each other laugh and how we got through the day? How did you do it? Also, how do cameras work?

Scene 112

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?

Scene 113

1 line
Creed Bratton
It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But…(chuckles) no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. (standing with two cops) Let’s do this.

Scene 114

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks they’re the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. You’re not alone sister. Let’s get a beer sometime.

Scene 115

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I’m happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down.

Scene 116

1 line
Jim Halpert
I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn’t love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid…wonderful…boring…amazing job.

Scene 117

1 line
Pam Beesly
I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all…I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?