Every line from The Office episode "Finale", season 9 episode 23.
Dwight Schrute: The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?
Camera Man: We’re getting bonus footage for the DVD.
Dwight Schrute: pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore.
Camera Man: It’ll be a pledge gift.
Dwight Schrute: PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.
Dwight Schrute: In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I’m getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there’s a mini-reunion. A kind of a “where are they now” panel at a local theatre. It’ll be nice to see everyone again. (laughs) I haven’t seen Kevin since we let him go.
Dwight Schrute: (mimicking trumpet) Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring.
Kevin Malone: Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Stanley Hudson: Ah, I’ve been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old.
Dwight Schrute: No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is…for…Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Yes! Wait, why?
Dwight Schrute: Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Kevin Malone: What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute: It’s a colloquial way of saying “you’re fired,” Kevin, which you are.
Pam Beesly: What? Dwight, you can’t do that.
Dwight Schrute: The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.
Dwight Schrute: Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.
Everyone: Dwight…(overlapping objections)
Dwight Schrute: Based…on his merit.
Pam Beesly: Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone’s ever been fired, Toby’s blocked it, so…
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think…
Dwight Schrute: Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here’s your cake. (squirts frosting on the top) Bye, bye Toby.
Kevin Malone: (crying) At least I got chocolate.
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Angela, are you ready for the wedding?
Angela Martin: (whispering) Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. (scoffs) Look at Meredith. She’s disgusting. Those feet. They’re like the paws of an orangutan.
Pam Beesly: I think she looks good. Now that she’s wearing sports bras, we don’t see her boobs as much.
Dwight Schrute: That is all. Have a good morning.
Meredith Palmer: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: (after Angela kisses Dwight) What was that for?
Angela Martin: (laughing) To remind you that our wedding’s gonna be wonderful.
Dwight Schrute: Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.
Angela Martin: D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.
Angela Martin: I don’t…I don’t know why.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, some fudge?
Malcolm: Oh, thanks. I love your fudge.
Malcolm: I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here.
Phyllis Vance: (laughing) Oh, you can afford it.
Jim Halpert: Okay, the limo’s gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready ‘cause I want to pack in a lot.
Zeke: Party time! Whorehouse!
Jim Halpert: Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwight’s night, okay?
Zeke: Well, you’re the bestisch mensch.
Dwight Schrute: Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won’t be necessary tonight.
Clark Green: Great, now we got three hours to fill.
Jim Halpert: Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isn’t going to show up?
Dwight Schrute: Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he’s been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.
Jim Halpert: Mose has been weird? That’s so unlike him.
Bill Hader: (fake crying)
Seth Mayers: Oh, Don’t. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don’t be such a baby.
Bill Hader: (crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes)
Seth Mayers: Oh, No. It’s gonna be alright.
Bill Hader: (pulling multiple tissues out)
Seth Mayers: It’s gonna be all right. For Weekend Update I’m Seth Meyers. That’s Baby Wawa. Good night.
Bill Hader: (still crying) Bye!
Oscar Martinez: (on the phone) Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arby’s. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, you…hold on.
Dakota: Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. It’s..it’s all over the place. I don’t know what it means.
Oscar Martinez: That’s the reason Kevin got fired. It’s his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, (imitating Kevin) “A mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven.” He was home by 4:45 that day.
Toby Flenderson: Hello! (laughing) Hello!
Toby Flenderson: Hi! (goes to hug Nellie)
Toby Flenderson: Oh. (laughs nervously)
Nellie Bertram: How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr?
Nellie Bertram: No. And I thought I unfriended you.
Toby Flenderson: Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?
Oscar Martinez: You’re back?
Malcolm: (whispering to Phyllis) That’s Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: Hey man, good to see you.
Andy Bernard: Thank you. Yeah,
Phyllis Vance: (hugging Andy). Andy…
Andy Bernard: Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.
Phyllis Vance: Andy, I’ve been worried about you. How are you?
Andy Bernard: A little warm.
Phyllis Vance: Poor, poor Andy.
Andy Bernard: (struggling) Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis.
Darryl Philbin: Hello, hello.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, what’s up?
Andy Bernard: Didn’t I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?
Darryl Philbin: What? Must’ve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, man. How are you doing? I, um…I didn’t call ‘cause I figured you changed the number.
Andy Bernard: No I didn’t change the number. All good though. Phone never rings.
Dwight Schrute: What? Ooh!
Dwight Schrute: I thought you guys couldn’t come.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet.
Darryl Philbin: You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, better ask Jim.
Jim Halpert: And Jim will say nothing.
Pam Beesly: (enters) Darryl! Andy!
Darryl Philbin: Hey, Pam! How are you?
Pam Beesly: We’re fine. Yeah. (hugs both Darryl and Andy) And I’m sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldn’t you be?
Pam Beesly: Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. How’s the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time.
Darryl Philbin: I love it. And it’s Athleap now. And the city is amazing.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. Yeah, it’s hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos are…for real.
Jim Halpert: Wow! That sounds incredible. (checking cell phone). Oh, guys. Limo’s here. Let’s do this. Change if you need to.
Oscar Martinez: Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Pam Beesly: Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn’t on the itinerary.
Dwight Schrute: Jim…wha… Come on! What…what are you gonna whack me, Jim?
Jim Halpert: No, Dwight. You’ll be doing the whacking.
Dwight Schrute: A bazooka. You remembered.
Jim Halpert: Of course I did.
Dwight Schrute: (tearful laugh). Get out of my way.
Jim Halpert: Private Room.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, brosef.
Jim Halpert: Enjoy, enjoy.
Guy: Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry?
Jim Halpert: Okay, man, easy.
Jim Halpert: Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: Jim, it’s fine. He’ll just get you on his cell phone and then that’ll go viral.
Darryl Philbin: That happens a lot?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success.
Oscar Martinez: Well, I bet it was a smash.
Andy Bernard: That’s how I got my new job in the admissions office.
Oscar Martinez: Is that a volunteer program or…
Andy Bernard: No. It’s a job. Things are going great.
Darryl Philbin: Let’s get a drink in you, huh?
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) Man, how long have we been sitting here?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Thank God. We are famished!
Stripper: Hey, did somebody order the chef special?
Darryl Philbin: Right there.
Dwight Schrute: No, we haven’t ordered anything. No one’s even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? (music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight)
Stripper: I bet you boys have a big appetite.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, we do. So we’ll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups.
Stripper: Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that’s not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly?
Stripper: Ohh, shh. (places finger over Dwight’s lips)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef’s special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won’t work. That’s no good.
Angela Martin: What? (knock at the door) Okay.
Jakey: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis Vance: Angela’s special repairman is here.
Angela Martin: Wait, what is this?
Meredith Palmer: Shut up. Jakey?
Pam Beesly: Wait, wait. What?
Meredith Palmer: No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend mom’s not here.
Pam Beesly: Uh, that seems inappropriate.
Meredith Palmer: Give the good show, my little entrepreneur.
Meredith Palmer: Take it off. (music play). Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripper’s only as good as his song.
Pam Beesly: Whoo-hoo…go, Meredith’s stripper son.
Angela Martin: Rachel, are you all right?
Rachel: I don’t know! I don’t know.
Angela Martin: Oh geeze. (Jakey starts dancing on Angela). Oh, my God!
Meredith Palmer: Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. (pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela)
Angela Martin: Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey.
Angela Martin: (Jakey resumes dancing) Uh, no. It’s o…thank you. You know what? You don’t have to…oh no, no, no. No, no, no. It’s okay.
Dwight Schrute: Now, for the last time, I’d like a side salad with balsamic.
Clark Green: Dwight, for the last time, she’s not a waitress.
Dwight Schrute: You’re telling me!
Oscar Martinez: If you want her to leave, just tip her.
Dwight Schrute: What for? We haven’t even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? (to the dancing stripper) Do you have those? Those aren’t deep fried, right?
Angela Martin: That was interesting. (creaking sound) What was that?
Phyllis Vance: It’s just the wind.
Angela Martin: Will you lock the door?
Phyllis Vance: Okay. (opens door) It’s just the wind, see? Nothing.
Angela Martin: Alright, see, you don’t have to leave the door wide open. We get it. It’s the wind. Just come and shut…(Mose grabs Angela and takes her away) OH! My God!
Rachel: What’s happening?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man, never thought I’d say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. (phone rings)
Jim Halpert: Oh, it’s the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela’s been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled.
Dwight Schrute: Good old Mose. (laughing)
Jim Halpert: They think it was Mose.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, great. He’s getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung.
Oscar Martinez: What is that?
Dwight Schrute: A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose.
Jim Halpert: Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you’d ever set foot in in this town?
Dwight Schrute: Right. Which one is that?
Jim Halpert: Mm, hey driver. Why don’t you take us to 3030 Adams?
Jim Halpert: Is that Mose?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, it is! I am here for my bride!
Mose: Well, first, buy us a drink.
Everyone: If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink.
Dwight Schrute: Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! (Kevin turns around) Oh.
Kevin Malone: Well, well, well, well, well, well. That’s six “wells.” Did I get that number right, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: I heard you bought a bar, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Yes. I did. This one. Now get out!
Dwight Schrute: (to Mose) Why did you pick this place? (Mose points to Jim)
Dwight Schrute: You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch.
Jim Halpert: Nope, not a prank. I think it’s time for you to bury the hatchet.
Dwight Schrute: Waste of a good hatchet.
Jim Halpert: Okay, just talk.
Dwight Schrute: I heard you say “well” the first time.
Dwight Schrute: It was nothing personal. It’s just that you were terrible at your job.
Kevin Malone: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Dwight Schrute: No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer.
Kevin Malone: Is that all it was?
Dwight Schrute: That’s it.
Kevin Malone: Come here (hugs Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: I missed you Kevin.
Kevin Malone: I missed you!
Jim Halpert: Hey. Hey, is Angela coming or…
Dwight Schrute: No. We can’t see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.
Stanley Hudson: Hey guys.
Erin Hannon: How’s Florida?
Stanley Hudson: Oh, great.
Jim Halpert: Am I the only one that’s nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?
Pam Beesly: No, no, I’m fine.
Jim Halpert: Doesn’t seem like anyone cares about us anyway.
Stanley Hudson: I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years.
Andy Bernard: I’m sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.
Man 1: How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv?
David Wallace: It’s like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. It’s kinda disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didn’t wanna know any of it.
Dwight Schrute: With today’s modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather it’s our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were.
Pete Miller: Uh, no one recognizes me. But not all my friends call me Plop. So… thanks PBS.
Woman 1: Uh, Jim, that DVD in the last episode was so romantic. And, um, I think we’d all love to know, Pam, what romantic thing did you do to pay Jim back for leaving Athlead?
Pam Beesly: Well, I mean, How do you pay back someone for something like that? But, uh, I don’t know. I’m working on something.
Jim Halpert: She pays me back every day just by being my wife so that’s fine.
Man 2: Pam, what was in that teapot letter?
Pam Beesly: Oh, um, well, you know, I… I just… I just think I would rather keep that private. You know, if you’d been filmed for nine years of your life, there’d be some things that you just wanna keep to yourself.
Man 2: I hear ya. What did it say?
Moderator: We’re gonna move on. Next question please.
Woman 3: I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate?
Meredith Palmer: I got a beef with that. Um, for the first seven years, I was getting my PhD in School Psychology and they didn’t show it. Yes, I was getting hammered but, hey, it was college.
Woman 4: I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how you’re soul mates. So, Pam, how could you doubt that when Jim moved to Philadelphia?
Jim Halpert: Um, you know what, I actually didn’t handle that move, uh, very gracefully. From not communicating to being a little selfish.
Pam Beesly: Listen, um… I was scared, you know? I loved what I had, and I didn’t want to risk it. And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too. Which was wrong because he’s shown me time and again. But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me that I had this fairy-tale romance. But there were a lot of times last year where it did not feel like a fairy tale. But then it got deeper, and it got stronger and now it’s better than a fairy tale. It’s like a long book that you never want to end. And you’re fine with that because you just never, ever wanna leave it.
Woman 4: Like Harry Potter.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, like Harry Potter.
Joan: I have a question for Erin.
Joan: Yes. Um, the thing I found most compelling about the documentary was your search for your birth mother.
Joan: So my question is, um, do… don’t you hate her? I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her that you would hate her.
Erin Hannon: Maybe sometimes. But not like “hate” hate. More just like, “Mom, I hate you!” And then she would say “go to your room, young lady.” And I’d stamp my foot and run upstairs and I have a room, which is really cool. And then we’d just have dinner together. But I don’t know. I’d have to meet her. Thanks.
Erin Hannon: Yes? Is there a follow-up question? (realizes) Mom? (they hug)
Ed: Erin… Same question but about your dad? (they hug)
Moderator: Well, this feels like a good place to stop. Let’s thank all of our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today. (audience claps) Next week at the Scranton Cultural Center don’t forget, Irish Step Dancing semifinals. Winning team to Mid-Atlantic. (applause and scattering cheers)
Kelly Kapoor: Uck, Look at all this mud. Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos? I just saved you 600 bucks mister.
Ravi: Thanks for helping out, sweetie.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you’re here.
Kelly Kapoor: Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now?
Ryan Howard: No, this little guy is mine.
Ryan Howard: Say “hi”, Drake.
Kelly Kapoor: Drake is your baby’s name?
Kelly Kapoor: That is an amazing name. I’m obsessed with Drake. His last album… it just touched me to pieces.
Ryan Howard: No Kelly, he’s no named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It’s Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.
Kelly Kapoor: Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. I’m obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total uggos.
Ravi: They’re called premature, sweetie. It’s good to see you again Ryan.
Phyllis Vance: Let me help you us.
Angela Martin: Thanks. (knees buckle) Oh. Ouch.
Pam Beesly: Oh, boy. Maybe your heels are too high.
Angela Martin: No, my heels aren't too high. It’s because I spent three hours in a car trunk. Thanks for not locking the door when I asked you to, Phyllis. (sighs) Sorry Phyllis. You didn’t know. As long as I can get to the altar.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I’m gonna get you to that altar. You can take that to the bank.
Dwight Schrute: (chuckles) You kidding? I was born ready. (mimicking heavy metal guitars)
Jim Halpert: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Um… I don’t know how to tell you this, but… we have a little bit of a problem.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. What?
Jim Halpert: The minister just told me that it’s tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, come on. I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Jim Halpert: I haven’t heard of it, obviously. But I’m out because I am significantly younger than you-
Dwight Schrute: Not… significant is a big word…
Jim Halpert: I think it’s definitely… Well, okay. Either way…
Dwight Schrute: I think you’re only a teeny…
Jim Halpert: Either way, Dwight… I can’t be there for you. I’m sorry.
Jim Halpert: I just…really wish there was something I could do. (looks off)
Dwight Schrute: (turns around) (whispering) Michael. I can’t believe you came.
Michael Scott: That’s what she said.
Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife. (everyone cheers) Release the doves! (doves do not move right away)
Kevin Malone: That’s not…
Dwight Schrute: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. They’ll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab ‘em on in there.
Ryan Howard: Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And he’s hot.
Ryan Howard: I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second?
Ravi: Oh, yeah, you’re not feeling well little guy? Okay, sure. Should we go inside?
Ryan Howard: Actually, could you go inside? I’m feeling a little dehydrated. I could really use a little break, have some water.
Ravi: Are you sure you don’t wanna go in?
Kelly Kapoor: Ravi, just do it. That baby is burning up. Isn’t this, like what you live for? Just go. Go.
Ryan Howard: Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor: I don’t know, Ryan. Baby Drake didn’t look so good.
Ryan Howard: He’ll be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. He’s allergic but he’ll get over it fast. I had to talk to you.
Kelly Kapoor: You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me? (they kiss)
Pam Beesly: Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills.
Pam Beesly: (with Michael) Oh, my gosh, it’s choreographed!
Pam Beesly: He just so happy to have a family plan.
Kevin Malone: (to Oscar) What was that stuff?
Ravi: Hey, has anyone seen Ryan… or Kelly?
Kevin Malone: Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.
Ravi: Oh, that’s it. Here. (hands Drake to Kevin) Call child services and report an abandoned baby. We’ll find a better parent than Ryan in no time.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I don’t know.
Nellie Bertram: Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who will… who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves.
Kevin Malone: Hey, this is better. (hands Drake to Nellie)
Nellie Bertram: Yes. It is. Oh yes it is.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you go much.
Dwight Schrute: Good night.
Toby Flenderson: Good luck.
Val: Great. It was really fun.
Dwight Schrute: Good evening.
Val: The Doc crew’s throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, I heard. It sounds kinda lame. (to camera) No offense. You going, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, I don’t know. I might turn in early.
Andy Bernard: It’s only 6:00. Come on, everybody’s going.
Meredith Palmer: You have to go, Toby.
Pete Miller: Yeah, come on, Tobes.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. I’ll stop by.
Pete Miller: There he is!
Pam Beesly: I need to get out of this dress.
Jim Halpert: I gotta get out of this dress.
Carol: Oh, I’m sorry Pam.
Jim Halpert: What’s going on?
Pam Beesly: (sighs) (whispering) Why are you still here?
Carol: (whispering) I’m so sorry. They were an hour late.
Jim Halpert: No, really, what’s going on?
Pam Beesly: Okay, Okay. Um… so… this past year has been really great, and you’ve been great and I just… I know that you had to make this choice and you had to give something up for me. But I never want you to have to give up anything. I just thought if I could get us an offer then there wouldn’t be anything standing in our way and I could come to you with this big Jim gesture… and show you all at once just how much I love you and how much I really do believe in your future.
Jim Halpert: Sorry, how long have you been showing the house?
Pam Beesly: About 2 months
Jim Halpert: That’s why it’s so clean.
Jim Halpert: I mean, you were gonna do this without me?
Pam Beesly: Well, you… you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you.
Jim Halpert: Oh… okay. Where would we go?
Pam Beesly: Austin? Maybe.
Jim Halpert: I promise you, you don’t have to do this for me.
Pam Beesly: I’m doing it for us.
Buyer: Okay. We’ll take it.
Jim Halpert: (to the buyer) Hold on a second. (to Pam) The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care about…
Pam Beesly: Hold on a second. (turning) Wait, what did you just say?
Buyer: We wanna buy your house.
Jim Halpert: You wanna do this?
Pam Beesly: I wanna do this.
Jim Halpert: You really want to do this?
Pam Beesly: I really want to do this!
Jim Halpert: (hugging Pam) (laughing) Oh my God!
Pam Beesly: Uh, could I please have your attention? So a year ago, I got my first art commission to paint a mural for Dunder Mifflin and I decided to paint the history of paper…,which was just some trees and stuff. And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it and I had to start from the beginning. But it all worked out for the best because I think that I’ve painted the perfect thing which is the history of us. All of us. And this is for you Jim. (applause) And go ahead! (drape drops and everyone cheers)
Pam Beesly: Everyone, Let’s take our picture in front of the mural. Oh, um, I just…I kind of meant just everybody from the office.
Stanley Hudson: Okay, I need a drink.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, we all need a drink. (opening Meredith’s drawer) What the…there’s only dandelion tea and raisins in here.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, bottom drawer.
Dwight Schrute: Hey guys.
Pam Beesly: What about the honeymoon?
Angela Martin: Oh, the honeymoon can wait till tomorrow. We wanted to hang out with you guys. I mean, when are we all going to be here together again?
Dwight Schrute: Aww, J, P and D. The Three Amigos. Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say, when I get back from out honeymoon, the three of us have a conference room meeting just for fun? (pause) What is that meaningful look?
Jim Halpert: You know what? Maybe we should talk.
Pam Beesly: I finally feel ready. Athlead is growing…
Pam Beesly: And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. We’ll come back to visit. But I think it’s time for us to officially…
Dwight Schrute: No, don’t say it. You’re fired! You’re both fired!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, come on. Don’t end on a bad note.
Dwight Schrute: Don’t be an idiot. It’s for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year you’ve been here. That’s the max.
Pam Beesly: Thanks Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Hey, and if you’re ever in Austin...
Dwight Schrute: Woah. Right. For what, the art? The music? The incredible nightlife? No thank you. But if you’re ever in the area, you’ll always have a place to stay…in my barn.
Jim Halpert: There it is.
Dwight Schrute: Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don’t have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So… have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let’s see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So…yes. I’d say I have gotten along with my subordinates.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome.
Jim Halpert: Thanks Phyl.
Creed Bratton: I still have my medal from that.
Angela Martin: Do you even have a mattress?
Creed Bratton: No, but I still have my medal from that.
Kevin Malone: Oscar. Oscar. (crying) I think I’m gay.
Oscar Martinez: Why do you say that?
Kevin Malone: (sniffles) It’s just that I’m so emotional.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, but you’re not gay. You’re not gay.
Kevin Malone: No, but maybe the reason…
Oscar Martinez: You’re not gay.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 23 season 9. Finale is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.