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Season 9 Episode 23

Every line from The Office episode "Finale", season 9 episode 23.

Dwight Schrute: The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?
Camera Man: We’re getting bonus footage for the DVD.
Dwight Schrute: pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore.
Camera Man: It’ll be a pledge gift.
Dwight Schrute: PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.
Dwight Schrute: In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I’m getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there’s a mini-reunion. A kind of a “where are they now” panel at a local theatre. It’ll be nice to see everyone again. (laughs) I haven’t seen Kevin since we let him go.
Dwight Schrute: (mimicking trumpet) Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring.
Kevin Malone: Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Stanley Hudson: Ah, I’ve been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old.
Meredith Palmer: Speech!
Dwight Schrute: No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is…for…Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Yes! Wait, why?
Dwight Schrute: Go ahead and just read the frosting.
Kevin Malone: “Get out.”
Dwight Schrute: Uh-huh.
Kevin Malone: What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute: It’s a colloquial way of saying “you’re fired,” Kevin, which you are.
Pam Beesly: What? Dwight, you can’t do that.
Dwight Schrute: The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.
Everyone: What?!
Dwight Schrute: Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.
Everyone: Dwight…(overlapping objections)
Dwight Schrute: Based…on his merit.
Oscar Martinez: Ooh.
Jim Halpert: Umm….
Kevin Malone: I’m…good.
Pam Beesly: Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone’s ever been fired, Toby’s blocked it, so…
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think…
Dwight Schrute: Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here’s your cake. (squirts frosting on the top) Bye, bye Toby.
Kevin Malone: (crying) At least I got chocolate.
Jim Halpert: I bike to work now. Saves on gas, cheaper than a vasectomy and, uh, oh, yeah, it’s good for the environment too.
Jim Halpert: Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center.
Crowd: Whoo! Yeah
Jim Halpert: (to Cici) Can you clap! Can you clap for mom?
Jim Halpert: And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese.
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Angela, are you ready for the wedding?
Angela Martin: (whispering) Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. (scoffs) Look at Meredith. She’s disgusting. Those feet. They’re like the paws of an orangutan.
Pam Beesly: I think she looks good. Now that she’s wearing sports bras, we don’t see her boobs as much.
Dwight Schrute: That is all. Have a good morning.
Meredith Palmer: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: (after Angela kisses Dwight) What was that for?
Angela Martin: (laughing) To remind you that our wedding’s gonna be wonderful.
Dwight Schrute: Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.
Angela Martin: D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.
Angela Martin: I don’t…I don’t know why.
Dwight Schrute: I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band “The Grass Roots” in the 1960’s. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, some fudge?
Malcolm: Oh, thanks. I love your fudge.
Phyllis Vance: Thanks.
Malcolm: I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here.
Phyllis Vance: (laughing) Oh, you can afford it.
Phyllis Vance: After 16 years, it’s strange sitting across from somebody who isn’t Stanley. But…he’ll get there.
Jim Halpert: Okay, the limo’s gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready ‘cause I want to pack in a lot.
Zeke: Party time! Whorehouse!
Jim Halpert: Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwight’s night, okay?
Zeke: Well, you’re the bestisch mensch.
Jim Halpert: Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. He’s putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years I’ve done nothing but trick and prank him but tonight…only good surprises. “Guten Pranken”. (chuckles)
Dwight Schrute: Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won’t be necessary tonight.
Clark Green: Great, now we got three hours to fill.
Jim Halpert: Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isn’t going to show up?
Dwight Schrute: Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he’s been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.
Jim Halpert: Mose has been weird? That’s so unlike him.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, sure, I’ll talk about it. Why not? American’s next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition. And when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord. The clip went viral, as they say
Casey Dean: You can’t just sit here and cry.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!
Andy Bernard: Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.
Bill Hader: (fake crying)
Seth Mayers: Oh, Don’t. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don’t be such a baby.
Bill Hader: (crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes)
Seth Mayers: Oh, No. It’s gonna be alright.
Bill Hader: (pulling multiple tissues out)
Seth Mayers: It’s gonna be all right. For Weekend Update I’m Seth Meyers. That’s Baby Wawa. Good night.
Bill Hader: (still crying) Bye!
Andy Bernard: After my clip blew up, I actually got a call from the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. (pause) Not really my scene.
Oscar Martinez: (on the phone) Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arby’s. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, you…hold on.
Dakota: Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. It’’s all over the place. I don’t know what it means.
Oscar Martinez: That’s the reason Kevin got fired. It’s his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, (imitating Kevin) “A mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven.” He was home by 4:45 that day.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the E.U. Thank you for flying me out here for the weekend. I’m looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow. Can’t wait to see everyone. Well, almost everyone.
Toby Flenderson: Hello! (laughing) Hello!
Nellie Bertram: Oh.
Toby Flenderson: Hi! (goes to hug Nellie)
Nellie Bertram: No.
Toby Flenderson: Oh. (laughs nervously)
Nellie Bertram: How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr?
Nellie Bertram: No. And I thought I unfriended you.
Toby Flenderson: Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab?
Toby Flenderson: (alone in cab} After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the great American novel. I have six roommates. Heh. Which are better than friends, you know ‘cause they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave.
Andy Bernard: Hey-OH!
Meredith Palmer: Andy?
Oscar Martinez: You’re back?
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Malcolm: (whispering to Phyllis) That’s Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: Hey man, good to see you.
Andy Bernard: Thank you. Yeah,
Phyllis Vance: (hugging Andy). Andy…
Andy Bernard: Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.
Phyllis Vance: Andy, I’ve been worried about you. How are you?
Andy Bernard: A little warm.
Phyllis Vance: Poor, poor Andy.
Andy Bernard: (struggling) Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis.
Darryl Philbin: Hello, hello.
Jim Halpert: Hey!
Meredith Palmer: Darryl!
Andy Bernard: Hey!
Darryl Philbin: Hey, what’s up?
Andy Bernard: Didn’t I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo?
Darryl Philbin: What? Must’ve been another devilishly handsome debonair individual.
Andy Bernard: Hmm.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, man. How are you doing? I, um…I didn’t call ‘cause I figured you changed the number.
Andy Bernard: No I didn’t change the number. All good though. Phone never rings.
Dwight Schrute: What? Ooh!
Andy Bernard: Surprise!
Dwight Schrute: I thought you guys couldn’t come.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet.
Jim Halpert: Kismet? Yeah, right. Pam and I came up with excuses for every other weekend. You remember my two lap band surgeries, right? Neither do I? “Guten Prank” number one.
Darryl Philbin: You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, better ask Jim.
Jim Halpert: And Jim will say nothing.
Pam Beesly: (enters) Darryl! Andy!
Andy Bernard: Hey! Pam!
Darryl Philbin: Hey, Pam! How are you?
Pam Beesly: We’re fine. Yeah. (hugs both Darryl and Andy) And I’m sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldn’t you be?
Andy Bernard: Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly: Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. How’s the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time.
Darryl Philbin: I love it. And it’s Athleap now. And the city is amazing.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. Yeah, it’s hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos are…for real.
Jim Halpert: Wow! That sounds incredible. (checking cell phone). Oh, guys. Limo’s here. Let’s do this. Change if you need to.
Oscar Martinez: Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Pam Beesly: Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah!
Andy Bernard: Aw!
Darryl Philbin: Woah-Oh! Haven’t been in one of these in forever.
Oscar Martinez: They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I’m a man. So I’m going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.
Oscar Martinez: WASSUUUUP! (laughing)
Dwight Schrute: Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn’t on the itinerary.
Jim Halpert: Get out.
Dwight Schrute: Jim…wha… Come on! What…what are you gonna whack me, Jim?
Jim Halpert: No, Dwight. You’ll be doing the whacking.
Dwight Schrute: A bazooka. You remembered.
Jim Halpert: Of course I did.
Dwight Schrute: (tearful laugh). Get out of my way.
Everyone: OH! (all laugh and applaud after Dwight fires the bazooka)
Dwight Schrute: Woo! Okay!
Jim Halpert: Yeah! (to camera) Guten Prank number two.
Jim Halpert: Private Room.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, brosef.
Dwight Schrute: Amazing.
Jim Halpert: Enjoy, enjoy.
Guy: Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry?
Jim Halpert: Okay, man, easy.
Guy: (fake cries)
Jim Halpert: Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: Jim, it’s fine. He’ll just get you on his cell phone and then that’ll go viral.
Darryl Philbin: That happens a lot?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success.
Oscar Martinez: Well, I bet it was a smash.
Andy Bernard: That’s how I got my new job in the admissions office.
Oscar Martinez: Is that a volunteer program or…
Andy Bernard: No. It’s a job. Things are going great.
Darryl Philbin: Let’s get a drink in you, huh?
Andy Bernard: Yes.
Meredith Palmer: Whoo-hoo. Let’s get this party started!
Rachel: Where’s my angel.
Angela Martin: This is my big sister Rachel.
Rachel: No, this is my big sister Angela.
Angela Martin: (laughs) We’re very close. We even have our own special language.
Rachel: (speaks in a special language)
Angela Martin: People love it.
Rachel: They do.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) Man, how long have we been sitting here?
Stripper: Hi, boys!
Everyone: Ohh…
Clark Green: Here we go!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Thank God. We are famished!
Stripper: Hey, did somebody order the chef special?
Darryl Philbin: Right there.
Dwight Schrute: No, we haven’t ordered anything. No one’s even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? (music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight)
Stripper: I bet you boys have a big appetite.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, we do. So we’ll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups.
Stripper: Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that’s not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly?
Stripper: Ohh, shh. (places finger over Dwight’s lips)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef’s special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won’t work. That’s no good.
Erin Hannon: Whoo!
Angela Martin: What? (knock at the door) Okay.
Pam Beesly: Oh, boy.
Erin Hannon: Oh!
Jakey: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever.
Phyllis Vance: Angela’s special repairman is here.
Angela Martin: Wait, what is this?
Meredith Palmer: Shut up. Jakey?
Jakey: Mom?
Pam Beesly: Wait, wait. What?
Jakey: Oh, man.
Meredith Palmer: No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend mom’s not here.
Pam Beesly: Uh, that seems inappropriate.
Meredith Palmer: Give the good show, my little entrepreneur.
Jakey: Okay.
Meredith Palmer: Take it off. (music play). Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripper’s only as good as his song.
Rachel: oh, wowee wow.
Angela Martin: Okay…
Pam Beesly: Whoo-hoo…go, Meredith’s stripper son.
Angela Martin: Rachel, are you all right?
Rachel: I don’t know! I don’t know.
Angela Martin: Oh geeze. (Jakey starts dancing on Angela). Oh, my God!
Meredith Palmer: Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. (pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela)
Angela Martin: Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey.
Angela Martin: (Jakey resumes dancing) Uh, no. It’s o…thank you. You know what? You don’t have to…oh no, no, no. No, no, no. It’s okay.
Dwight Schrute: Now, for the last time, I’d like a side salad with balsamic.
Clark Green: Dwight, for the last time, she’s not a waitress.
Dwight Schrute: You’re telling me!
Oscar Martinez: If you want her to leave, just tip her.
Dwight Schrute: What for? We haven’t even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? (to the dancing stripper) Do you have those? Those aren’t deep fried, right?
Angela Martin: That was interesting. (creaking sound) What was that?
Phyllis Vance: It’s just the wind.
Angela Martin: Will you lock the door?
Phyllis Vance: Okay. (opens door) It’s just the wind, see? Nothing.
Angela Martin: Alright, see, you don’t have to leave the door wide open. We get it. It’s the wind. Just come and shut…(Mose grabs Angela and takes her away) OH! My God!
Everyone: (screams)
Erin Hannon: Phyllis!
Rachel: What’s happening?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man, never thought I’d say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. (phone rings)
Jim Halpert: Oh, it’s the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela’s been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled.
Dwight Schrute: Good old Mose. (laughing)
Jim Halpert: They think it was Mose.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, great. He’s getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung.
Oscar Martinez: What is that?
Dwight Schrute: A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose.
Jim Halpert: Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you’d ever set foot in in this town?
Dwight Schrute: Right. Which one is that?
Jim Halpert: Mm, hey driver. Why don’t you take us to 3030 Adams?
Jim Halpert: Is that Mose?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, it is! I am here for my bride!
Mose: Well, first, buy us a drink.
Everyone: If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink.
Dwight Schrute: Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! (Kevin turns around) Oh.
Kevin Malone: Well, well, well, well, well, well. That’s six “wells.” Did I get that number right, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: I heard you bought a bar, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Yes. I did. This one. Now get out!
Dwight Schrute: (to Mose) Why did you pick this place? (Mose points to Jim)
Jim Halpert: Ooh.
Dwight Schrute: You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch.
Jim Halpert: Nope, not a prank. I think it’s time for you to bury the hatchet.
Dwight Schrute: Waste of a good hatchet.
Jim Halpert: Okay, just talk.
Kevin Malone: Well, w…
Dwight Schrute: I heard you say “well” the first time.
Jim Halpert: I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrow’s his wedding day. You can’t be anything but happy on your wedding day.
Dwight Schrute: It was nothing personal. It’s just that you were terrible at your job.
Kevin Malone: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Dwight Schrute: No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer.
Kevin Malone: Is that all it was?
Dwight Schrute: That’s it.
Kevin Malone: Come here (hugs Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: I missed you Kevin.
Kevin Malone: I missed you!
Dwight Schrute: Ohh.
Mose: Guten Prank.
Jim Halpert: Yes, Mose. Guten Prank number three.
Dwight Schrute: You’ve had your drink. Now where is my bride?
Dwight Schrute: Mose! What..ooh, Mose. (Mose opens trunk)
Angela Martin: What the (bleep) is your problem you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)?!
Jim Halpert: Hey. Hey, is Angela coming or…
Dwight Schrute: No. We can’t see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.
Jim Halpert: Right.
Stanley Hudson: Hey guys.
Everyone: Stanley!
Erin Hannon: How’s Florida?
Stanley Hudson: Oh, great.
Stanley Hudson: Yes, I’m living in Florida now. Little town called Florida City, just on the edge of the everglades. The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat which was kinda fun. I sit on my porch all day, carving birds.
Jim Halpert: Am I the only one that’s nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?
Pam Beesly: No, no, I’m fine.
Jim Halpert: Doesn’t seem like anyone cares about us anyway.
Stanley Hudson: I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years.
Andy Bernard: I’m sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.
Andy Bernard: (in video) Just sit here and cry, just sit here and cry! Oh I can so just sit here and cry. You guys are really mean. It can’t end like this you know. Slept in my car last night, quit my job. Burned all my bridges. And I did unspeakable things – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Are you insane? – You’re just not good, you’re just not good. – Chill out! (crying) Just sit here and cry…
Kevin Malone: (watching at his bar) People actually dance to this. It’s in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though.
Kevin Malone: (laughing) Yeah, people hate you.
Andy Bernard: I’ll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home. (walks down the hall)
Man: Hey! It’s Andy Bernard!
Everyone: Nard Dog! (cheers and claps) Ree-De-De-De-Doo! (repeats)
Andy Bernard: Ree-De-De-De-Doo!
Man 1: How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv?
David Wallace: It’s like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. It’s kinda disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didn’t wanna know any of it.
Dwight Schrute: With today’s modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather it’s our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were.
Pete Miller: Uh, no one recognizes me. But not all my friends call me Plop. So… thanks PBS.
Woman 1: Uh, Jim, that DVD in the last episode was so romantic. And, um, I think we’d all love to know, Pam, what romantic thing did you do to pay Jim back for leaving Athlead?
Pam Beesly: Well, I mean, How do you pay back someone for something like that? But, uh, I don’t know. I’m working on something.
Jim Halpert: She pays me back every day just by being my wife so that’s fine.
Everyone: Awww.
Jim Halpert: O-Kay.
Woman 2: All I can say is, if I had Jim, he would have a free pass to do anything. I mean if I lucked into that… he could do anything. Anything.
Pam Beesly: (pause) I’m sorry. Is there a question?
Woman 2: Uh, no.
Man 2: Pam, what was in that teapot letter?
Pam Beesly: Oh, um, well, you know, I… I just… I just think I would rather keep that private. You know, if you’d been filmed for nine years of your life, there’d be some things that you just wanna keep to yourself.
Man 2: I hear ya. What did it say?
Moderator: We’re gonna move on. Next question please.
Man 3: Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobody’s actually filming you anymore?
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Woman 3: I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate?
Meredith Palmer: I got a beef with that. Um, for the first seven years, I was getting my PhD in School Psychology and they didn’t show it. Yes, I was getting hammered but, hey, it was college.
Woman 4: I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how you’re soul mates. So, Pam, how could you doubt that when Jim moved to Philadelphia?
Jim Halpert: Um, you know what, I actually didn’t handle that move, uh, very gracefully. From not communicating to being a little selfish.
Pam Beesly: Listen, um… I was scared, you know? I loved what I had, and I didn’t want to risk it. And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too. Which was wrong because he’s shown me time and again. But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me that I had this fairy-tale romance. But there were a lot of times last year where it did not feel like a fairy tale. But then it got deeper, and it got stronger and now it’s better than a fairy tale. It’s like a long book that you never want to end. And you’re fine with that because you just never, ever wanna leave it.
Woman 4: Like Harry Potter.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, like Harry Potter.
Joan: I have a question for Erin.
Erin Hannon: Really?
Joan: Yes. Um, the thing I found most compelling about the documentary was your search for your birth mother.
Erin Hannon: Thank you.
Joan: So my question is, um, do… don’t you hate her? I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her that you would hate her.
Erin Hannon: Maybe sometimes. But not like “hate” hate. More just like, “Mom, I hate you!” And then she would say “go to your room, young lady.” And I’d stamp my foot and run upstairs and I have a room, which is really cool. And then we’d just have dinner together. But I don’t know. I’d have to meet her. Thanks.
Joan: Erin…
Erin Hannon: Yes?
Joan: Um…Oh, Erin..
Erin Hannon: Yes? Is there a follow-up question? (realizes) Mom? (they hug)
Ed: Erin… Same question but about your dad? (they hug)
Moderator: Well, this feels like a good place to stop. Let’s thank all of our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today. (audience claps) Next week at the Scranton Cultural Center don’t forget, Irish Step Dancing semifinals. Winning team to Mid-Atlantic. (applause and scattering cheers)
Kevin Malone: Where’s the, uh, basket for gifts?
Usher: Right there, sir.
Kevin Malone: Okay.
Dakota: Hi, I’m Dakota.
Creed Bratton: Jeff Bomondo. I sell ceramic tile out of Newark.
Dakota: Nice.
Creed Bratton: My wife’s name is Kathryn. I can show you my social security card if it helps.
Kelly Kapoor: Uck, Look at all this mud. Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos? I just saved you 600 bucks mister.
Ravi: Thanks for helping out, sweetie.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you’re here.
Kelly Kapoor: Hey, Ryan!
Ryan Howard: Hey.
Kelly Kapoor: Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now?
Ryan Howard: No, this little guy is mine.
Ryan Howard: So I was dating this girl, and one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. Oldest story in the book. (baby squeals)
Ryan Howard: Say “hi”, Drake.
Kelly Kapoor: Drake is your baby’s name?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor: That is an amazing name. I’m obsessed with Drake. His last album… it just touched me to pieces.
Ryan Howard: No Kelly, he’s no named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It’s Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.
Kelly Kapoor: Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. I’m obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total uggos.
Ravi: They’re called premature, sweetie. It’s good to see you again Ryan.
Phyllis Vance: Let me help you us.
Angela Martin: Thanks. (knees buckle) Oh. Ouch.
Pam Beesly: Oh, boy. Maybe your heels are too high.
Angela Martin: No, my heels aren't too high. It’s because I spent three hours in a car trunk. Thanks for not locking the door when I asked you to, Phyllis. (sighs) Sorry Phyllis. You didn’t know. As long as I can get to the altar.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I’m gonna get you to that altar. You can take that to the bank.
Jim Halpert: You ready?
Dwight Schrute: (chuckles) You kidding? I was born ready. (mimicking heavy metal guitars)
Jim Halpert: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Um… I don’t know how to tell you this, but… we have a little bit of a problem.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. What?
Jim Halpert: The minister just told me that it’s tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, come on. I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Jim Halpert: I haven’t heard of it, obviously. But I’m out because I am significantly younger than you-
Dwight Schrute: Not… significant is a big word…
Jim Halpert: I think it’s definitely… Well, okay. Either way…
Dwight Schrute: I think you’re only a teeny…
Jim Halpert: Either way, Dwight… I can’t be there for you. I’m sorry.
Dwight Schrute: Jim.
Jim Halpert: I just…really wish there was something I could do. (looks off)
Dwight Schrute: (turns around) (whispering) Michael. I can’t believe you came.
Michael Scott: That’s what she said.
Jim Halpert: Best prank ever.
Minister: As it is traditional to the Schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do.
Nellie Bertram: (to Joan) See, I get what they are trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow?
Kevin Malone: (reading) “Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is passed. The rain is over and gone. The time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is comely. “
Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife. (everyone cheers) Release the doves! (doves do not move right away)
Kelly Kapoor: Oh.
Kevin Malone: That’s not…
Dwight Schrute: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. They’ll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab ‘em on in there.
Dwight Schrute: Everybody!
Jim Halpert: (dancing with Pam. They kiss) See, now you don’t owe me anything.
Ryan Howard: Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And he’s hot.
Ravi: Oh, no.
Ryan Howard: I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second?
Ravi: Oh, yeah, you’re not feeling well little guy? Okay, sure. Should we go inside?
Ryan Howard: Actually, could you go inside? I’m feeling a little dehydrated. I could really use a little break, have some water.
Ravi: Are you sure you don’t wanna go in?
Kelly Kapoor: Ravi, just do it. That baby is burning up. Isn’t this, like what you live for? Just go. Go.
Ryan Howard: Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor: I don’t know, Ryan. Baby Drake didn’t look so good.
Ryan Howard: He’ll be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. He’s allergic but he’ll get over it fast. I had to talk to you.
Kelly Kapoor: You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me? (they kiss)
Pam Beesly: Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills.
Pam Beesly: (with Michael) Oh, my gosh, it’s choreographed!
Pam Beesly: He just so happy to have a family plan.
Ed: Where’d you learn to dance like that?
Erin Hannon: I don’t know. I’ve just always been really good at dancing.
Toby Flenderson: (dancing with Pam) (sobbing)
Pam Beesly: Is it me? Is it Nellie?
Toby Flenderson: (sobbing) It’s everything.
Phyllis Vance: (dancing with Stanley) I missed you.
Stanley Hudson: I missed you too.
Phyllis Vance: Lots of people think that Stanley Hudson’s a mean old grump. (laughs) But (crying) would a grump make this? It’s me. It’s me.
Ryan Howard: I love you.
Kelly Kapoor: (laughing) I love you too.
Ryan Howard: We’re gonna be together forever.
Kelly Kapoor: We’re running off into the sunset.
Ryan Howard: I finally mastered commitment.
Kevin Malone: (to Oscar) What was that stuff?
Ravi: Hey, has anyone seen Ryan… or Kelly?
Kevin Malone: Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.
Ravi: Oh, that’s it. Here. (hands Drake to Kevin) Call child services and report an abandoned baby. We’ll find a better parent than Ryan in no time.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I don’t know.
Nellie Bertram: Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who will… who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves.
Kevin Malone: Hey, this is better. (hands Drake to Nellie)
Nellie Bertram: Yes. It is. Oh yes it is.
Nellie Bertram: If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to fine me. We’ll be somewhere in Europe. (looking at Drake) Won’t we?
Michael Scott: (crying) I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you go much.
Dwight Schrute: Good night.
Toby Flenderson: Good luck.
Val: Great. It was really fun.
Dwight Schrute: Good evening.
Val: The Doc crew’s throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, I heard. It sounds kinda lame. (to camera) No offense. You going, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, I don’t know. I might turn in early.
Andy Bernard: It’s only 6:00. Come on, everybody’s going.
Meredith Palmer: You have to go, Toby.
Pete Miller: Yeah, come on, Tobes.
Val: Come on.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. I’ll stop by.
Pete Miller: There he is!
Pam Beesly: I need to get out of this dress.
Jim Halpert: I gotta get out of this dress.
Carol: Oh, I’m sorry Pam.
Jim Halpert: What’s going on?
Pam Beesly: (sighs) (whispering) Why are you still here?
Carol: (whispering) I’m so sorry. They were an hour late.
Jim Halpert: No, really, what’s going on?
Pam Beesly: Okay, Okay. Um… so… this past year has been really great, and you’ve been great and I just… I know that you had to make this choice and you had to give something up for me. But I never want you to have to give up anything. I just thought if I could get us an offer then there wouldn’t be anything standing in our way and I could come to you with this big Jim gesture… and show you all at once just how much I love you and how much I really do believe in your future.
Jim Halpert: Sorry, how long have you been showing the house?
Pam Beesly: About 2 months
Jim Halpert: That’s why it’s so clean.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: I mean, you were gonna do this without me?
Pam Beesly: Well, you… you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you.
Jim Halpert: Oh… okay. Where would we go?
Pam Beesly: Austin? Maybe.
Jim Halpert: I promise you, you don’t have to do this for me.
Pam Beesly: I’m doing it for us.
Jim Halpert: The last…
Buyer: Okay. We’ll take it.
Jim Halpert: (to the buyer) Hold on a second. (to Pam) The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care about…
Pam Beesly: Hold on a second. (turning) Wait, what did you just say?
Buyer: We wanna buy your house.
Jim Halpert: You wanna do this?
Pam Beesly: I wanna do this.
Jim Halpert: You really want to do this?
Pam Beesly: I really want to do this!
Jim Halpert: (hugging Pam) (laughing) Oh my God!
Jim Halpert: Hey, Darryl. (whispers in his ear)
Darryl Philbin: What? All right!
Pam Beesly: We’re so excited.
Phyllis Vance: Cool.
Woman: Oh, that’s for PBS executives only.
Stanley Hudson: I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.
David Wallace: I think your ideas are fantastic, Oscar. I’d love to contribute to your campaign.
Oscar Martinez: Thank you David.
Pam Beesly: Uh, could I please have your attention? So a year ago, I got my first art commission to paint a mural for Dunder Mifflin and I decided to paint the history of paper…,which was just some trees and stuff. And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it and I had to start from the beginning. But it all worked out for the best because I think that I’ve painted the perfect thing which is the history of us. All of us. And this is for you Jim. (applause) And go ahead! (drape drops and everyone cheers)
Pam Beesly: Everyone, Let’s take our picture in front of the mural. Oh, um, I just…I kind of meant just everybody from the office.
Photographer: (taking pictures) Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, that’s great. I got enough. Thank you, everybody.
Jim Halpert: (whispering to Pam) Let’s go outside
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Stanley Hudson: Okay, I need a drink.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, we all need a drink. (opening Meredith’s drawer) What the…there’s only dandelion tea and raisins in here.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, bottom drawer.
Kevin Malone: Yes!
Pam Beesly: (answering the phone) Dunder Mifflin, This is Pam. Oh, I’m sorry. Jim Halpert doesn’t work here anymore.
Pam Beesly: I didn’t watch the whole documentary. After a few episodes, it was too painful. I kept wanting to scream at Pam. It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been. Jim was 5 feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It’d be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I’m a tragic person. I’m really happy now. But…it would just…just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself “be strong, trust yourself, love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn’t that long.”
Kevin Malone: If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it’s that if you film anybody long enough, they’re going to do something stupid. It’s only human natural.
Dwight Schrute: Hey guys.
Angela Martin: Hi.
Everyone: Hey!
Pam Beesly: What about the honeymoon?
Angela Martin: Oh, the honeymoon can wait till tomorrow. We wanted to hang out with you guys. I mean, when are we all going to be here together again?
Dwight Schrute: Aww, J, P and D. The Three Amigos. Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say, when I get back from out honeymoon, the three of us have a conference room meeting just for fun? (pause) What is that meaningful look?
Jim Halpert: You know what? Maybe we should talk.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, come here. You guys need to see this.
Kevin Malone: What is it?
Andy Bernard: (on the computer) You’re probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn...
Pam Beesly: I finally feel ready. Athlead is growing…
Jim Halpert: Athleap.
Pam Beesly: And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. We’ll come back to visit. But I think it’s time for us to officially…
Dwight Schrute: No, don’t say it. You’re fired! You’re both fired!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, come on. Don’t end on a bad note.
Dwight Schrute: Don’t be an idiot. It’s for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year you’ve been here. That’s the max.
Pam Beesly: Thanks Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Hey, and if you’re ever in Austin...
Dwight Schrute: Woah. Right. For what, the art? The music? The incredible nightlife? No thank you. But if you’re ever in the area, you’ll always have a place to stay…in my barn.
Jim Halpert: There it is.
Dwight Schrute: Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don’t have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So… have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let’s see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So…yes. I’d say I have gotten along with my subordinates.
Andy Bernard: (on computer) You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because you’re about to leave Cornell. So say it with me: (all): Oh, I can so just sit here and cry.
Kevin Malone: Oh, Yes!
Darryl Philbin: You did good. Real good.
Andy Bernard: Thanks Dad…Darryl.
Andy Bernard: I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, I’m exactly where I wanna be. I got my dream job at Cornell and I’m still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they’re the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. (pause) Someone should write a song about that.
Oscar Martinez: You take something ordinary, like a piece of paper. It’s not much. But if you see it in the right way…And that’s what you did with this documentary. But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn’t once show me doing my origami.
Creed Bratton: (walking out of the bathroom discovered by all) Uh..ohh!
Creed Bratton: (playing guitar and singing) I saw a friend today. It had been a while. And we forgot each others names. But it didn’t matter. ‘Cause deep inside the feeling still remained the same…
Jim Halpert: Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakes…and grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love, watch yourself become a husband, become a father. You guys gave that to me. And that’s…an amazing gift.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome.
Jim Halpert: Thanks Phyl.
Creed Bratton: I still have my medal from that.
Angela Martin: Do you even have a mattress?
Creed Bratton: No, but I still have my medal from that.
Kevin Malone: Oscar. Oscar. (crying) I think I’m gay.
Oscar Martinez: Why do you say that?
Kevin Malone: (sniffles) It’s just that I’m so emotional.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, but you’re not gay. You’re not gay.
Kevin Malone: No, but maybe the reason…
Oscar Martinez: You’re not gay.
Creed Bratton: (still playing and singing) And all the faces that I know have that same familiar glow. I think I must have known them somewhere once before.
Erin Hannon: How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt and how made each other laugh and how we got through the day? How did you do it? Also, how do cameras work?
Darryl Philbin: Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?
Creed Bratton: It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But…(chuckles) no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. (standing with two cops) Let’s do this.
Meredith Palmer: I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks they’re the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. You’re not alone sister. Let’s get a beer sometime.
Phyllis Vance: I’m happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down.
Jim Halpert: I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn’t love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid…wonderful…boring…amazing job.
Pam Beesly: I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all…I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 23 season 9. Finale is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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