Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Andy’s Ancestry

Vol. 9 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the episode where Andy's world gets rocked by a fake family tree and Jim pulls the legendary "Asian Jim" prank. You'll find the full script and every hilarious quote as Andy tries to process his connection to Michelle Obama while Erin struggles to learn Dothraki from Dwight.

Scene 01

14 lines
Fake Jim
Morning, Dwight
Dwight Schrute
Who are you?
Fake Jim
Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian
Fake Jim
You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight Schrute
Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim
Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail
Please enter your password.
Voicemail
You have one new message.
Dwight Schrute
How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim
Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight Schrute
You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam Beesly
Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico’s at 7:30.
Fake Jim
Oh great, can't wait. (Kisses Pam)

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.

Scene 03

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
Dwight Schrute
Oh my—! Oh d—! Oh, how did—? (gasps) Huhhhhh!

Scene 04

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Heyyy! Study buddies!
Darryl Philbin
Oh, ok.
Erin Hannon
Getting things done. Awesome!
Darryl Philbin
It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!

Scene 05

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let’s knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. (pauses) Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Scene 06

4 lines
Erin Hannon
(speaking in French) S”il vous plait…dites-Moi…Ugggghhh les Bleagh!
Dwight Schrute
Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.
Erin Hannon
I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!
Dwight Schrute
You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.

Scene 08

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Erin Hannon
Yeah! Let’s do it!
Dwight Schrute
(exclaims) Atherozar!
Erin Hannon
(shocked) Oh!
Dwight Schrute
It means “excellent”. And we have begun.

Scene 09

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk). Is everything okay?
Nellie Bertram
Hmm? Oh—oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d—I just don't wanna—burden you with my massive stress freak outs!
Pam Beesly
Great.
Nellie Bertram
It’s just that I am taking my driver’s license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to “Demandy”...(Points to Andy's office with her thumb). I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But…in who's car?
Andy Bernard
(yells) Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Nellie Bertram
(sighs)
Pam Beesly
Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! (hugs Pam)
Nellie & Pam
(giggling) ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Jim Halpert
Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.

Scene 10

6 lines
Nellie Bertram
This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Andy Bernard
Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie Bertram
Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy Bernard
As in...
Nellie Bertram
Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy Bernard
(silently mouths) Wow!

Scene 11

1 line
Andy Bernard
This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.

Scene 13

1 line
Erin Hannon
I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, “What's your stance on politics?” Or, “What is the best war to do?” And, I will just be like, “Duhhhh!”

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.

Scene 15

2 lines
Pete Miller
Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark Green
So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.

Scene 16

4 lines
Clark Green
Oooohhhhhhhh!
Clark Green
It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete Miller
Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark Green
Just clap through it, man.

Scene 17

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim Halpert
That was really good, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
Life hacking, man.
Andy Bernard
There he is!
Jim Halpert
Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me—(gets interrupted by Andy).
Andy Bernard
(shushing Jim) Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Darryl Philbin
Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
Andy Bernard
It's me! (chuckles) I am related to Michelle Obama.
Darryl Philbin
What?! Really?
Andy Bernard
I mean, it's distant, but...
Darryl Philbin
(chuckles in agreement) Huh ha! That's cool, man.
Andy Bernard
Right?

Scene 18

1 line
Andy Bernard
Darryl said, “Cool, man.” He called me as cool man.

Scene 19

4 lines
Pam Beesly
You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Nellie Bertram
Mmmm—the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I’m driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Pam Beesly
Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Nellie Bertram
Whhooooo!

Scene 20

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Phyllis Vance
You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Stanley Hudson
Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.

Scene 21

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I throat-rip.
Erin Hannon
Foth aggendak!
Dwight Schrute
You throat-rip.
Erin Hannon
Foth aggendi!
Dwight Schrute
He/she/it throat rips.
Erin Hannon
Foth aggenda!
Dwight Schrute
More of a, barbaric growl.
Erin Hannon
(in a barbaric growl) Forth aggenda!
Dwight Schrute
Louder! You’re shouting it from the back of a horse!
Erin Hannon
Wah!! Aggenda!!

Scene 22

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie Bertram
(laughs mischievously) Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam Beesly
What?
Nellie Bertram
Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Nellie Bertram
Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam Beesly
So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie Bertram
Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Pam Beesly
(laughs)

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.

Scene 24

2 lines
Nellie Bertram
(whispers) Pam! (she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy’s head).
Pam Beesly
(laughs)

Scene 25

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
Well, if there’s another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I—(gets cut by Andy barging into the convo)
Andy Bernard
What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. (chuckles) I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! (Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl).
Oscar Martinez
Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy Bernard
Why? Is it employee’s day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar Martinez
Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were—slave owners.
Andy Bernard
Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?

Scene 26

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Scene 27

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.
Darryl Philbin
Yes, yes, yes.
Andy Bernard
Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!
Darryl Philbin
I included some time saving ideas...
Andy Bernard
Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.
Darryl Philbin
Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird.
Andy Bernard
(snaps his fingers) Right on, brotha. Wurddd.

Scene 28

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Addor!
Dwight Schrute
Daraas!
Erin Hannon
Qazer!
Dwight Schrute
Daraas! (asks the rest of the office) Does anyone here have fermented mare’s milk?

Scene 29

3 lines
Pete Miller
Hey Erin!
Erin Hannon
Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!
Pete Miller
Oh—okay. Sorry.

Scene 30

6 lines
Nellie Bertram
Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work.
Pam Beesly
Yeah—turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again—those are the wipers. So—the—its—just. There you go! Yeah. (chuckles) Yeah, things get so busy with the kids—red light—that it's nice to have that creative outlet—red light! Red light! Red! Red!
Nellie Bertram
That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work.
Pam Beesly
Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby.
Nellie Bertram
That’s amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo!
Pam Beesly
Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.

Scene 31

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(to Erin). Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
Erin Hannon
Vos!
Andy Bernard
So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.
Erin Hannon
Because of your slaves.
Andy Bernard
Not my slaves, my ancestors’. Maybe. Probably not.
Erin Hannon
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for “slave master”, “attafrauk!”, is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed?
Andy Bernard
That you’re learning a made-up language from HBO’s Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!
Erin Hannon
Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language.
Dwight Schrute
People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it.

Scene 32

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Hi guys.
Phyllis Vance
Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. You don't have to ask me.
Andy Bernard
Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be—(ringtone of Dixie plays). Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes” by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith—African American—Mambazo.

Scene 33

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Good. Very good. (cell phone beeping)Oh—no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. “New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.” And then in parentheses, he wrote out “as soon as possible.”
Nellie Bertram
Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, “looking for dirt.”
Pam Beesly
Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding.
Nellie Bertram
Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.
Pam Beesly
Oh—gee—I’m—
Nellie Bertram
No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! (whispers) I love it.
Pam Beesly
Brilliant!
Nellie Bertram
What should we say about Jim?
Pam Beesly
Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
Nellie Bertram
My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. (pauses) I just made a joke there.

Scene 34

6 lines
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there’s something Jim isn't telling me.
Nellie Bertram
Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!
Pam Beesly
Jim? No.
Nellie Bertram
(sighs). How can you be sure?
Pam Beesly
Because he just loves me too much.
Nellie Bertram
You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?

Scene 35

7 lines
Andy Bernard
I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol’ family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela Martin
Ew.
Andy Bernard
Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin Malone
And John Wayne?
Andy Bernard
No. Not that I see here.
Kevin Malone
Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy Bernard
You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!

Scene 36

1 line
Jim Halpert
Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True—(touches his nose) Oh no.

Scene 37

17 lines
Andy Bernard
Dwight's grandfather was a—(is interrupted by Dwight).
Dwight Schrute
Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So…(clears throat)
Andy Bernard
I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah!
Andy Bernard
And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
Meredith Palmer
Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! (mimics stabbing into Angela’s throat)
Angela Martin
Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me!
Phyllis Vance
Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?
Kevin Malone
Yeah, that—you're being really mean, Andy.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, Andy.
Andy Bernard
No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it’s not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.
Oscar Martinez
The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.
Andy Bernard
Might've done. And how… do you figure?
Oscar Martinez
Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Andy Bernard
You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.
Oscar Martinez
Really?
Andy Bernard
We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.

Scene 38

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.
Darryl Philbin
You’re gonna po’ mouth
Andy Bernard
Exactly. Help me po’ mouth, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions—
Andy Bernard
What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?
Darryl Philbin
That could work.
Andy Bernard
You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.
Darryl Philbin
I’m going for a walk.
Andy Bernard
(with a sigh) Okay.

Scene 39

1 line
Pam Beesly
Good. Good. And—(Nellie hits the car against the bushes)

Scene 40

26 lines
Jim Halpert
You doing alright, man?
Darryl Philbin
I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl Philbin
It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
Jim Halpert
Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right?
Darryl Philbin
Hmm. Yeah right
Jim Halpert
No, I'm serious. There's always something better.
Darryl Philbin
Like what?
Jim Halpert
Like hypothetically… if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have.
Darryl Philbin
What kind of job?
Jim Halpert
Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into?
Darryl Philbin
Hell yeah!
Jim Halpert
Right?
Darryl Philbin
That sounds awesome!
Jim Halpert
Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to...
Darryl Philbin
I love Philly!
Jim Halpert
Right?
Darryl Philbin
It's not even a thought—
Jim Halpert
Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!
Darryl Philbin
What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening?
Jim Halpert
Oh, it’s happening! Let’s just keep it between you and me for right now.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it?
Jim Halpert
We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's—I think she understands... what this is.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real.
Jim Halpert
What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real!
Darryl Philbin
It's not real... until your wife is on board.

Scene 41

11 lines
Pam Beesly
So what did you want to show me?
Nellie Bertram
That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. It's really ugly
Nellie Bertram
Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking…a mural.
Pam Beesly
You mean me?
Nellie Bertram
Yes! You! You are soo talented! It’s going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton’s most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.
Pam Beesly
Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I—Nellie, this is brilliant! (sees Jim) Hey!
Jim Halpert
Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?
Nellie Bertram
Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!
Pam Beesly
What?! No! I-I got this. (Laughs) Okay?
Nellie Bertram
(quietly) This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich.

Scene 42

1 line
Nellie Bertram
And Filipino. But we’ll break that to her later.

Scene 43

3 lines
Nellie Bertram
(to Darryl) You know what this is all about.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah. You too, huh?
Nellie Bertram
Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake!

Scene 44

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. (whispers) Yeah.
Nellie Bertram
Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this.

Scene 45

1 line
Jim Halpert
I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.

Scene 46

1 line
Pam Beesly
I still can't believe he didn't tell me.

Scene 47

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I was helping Nellie drive—(Stanley interrupts)
Stanley Hudson
Do not care.

Scene 48

4 lines
Pete Miller
Fonas chek!
Erin Hannon
Dothraas! chek! (giggles)
Andy Bernard
I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Erin Hannon
(in agreement) Hmmm!