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Season 9 Episode 3
Andy’s Ancestry

Every line from The Office episode "Andy’s Ancestry", season 9 episode 3.

Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight
Dwight Schrute: Who are you?
Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian
Fake Jim: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight Schrute: Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail: Please enter your password.
Voicemail: You have one new message.
Dwight Schrute: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight Schrute: You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam Beesly: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico’s at 7:30.
Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. (Kisses Pam)
Pam Beesly: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
Dwight Schrute: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
Dwight Schrute: Oh my—! Oh d—! Oh, how did—? (gasps) Huhhhhh!
Erin Hannon: Heyyy! Study buddies!
Darryl Philbin: Oh, ok.
Erin Hannon: Getting things done. Awesome!
Darryl Philbin: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!
Darryl Philbin: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let’s knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. (pauses) Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Erin Hannon: (speaking in French) S”il vous plait…dites-Moi…Ugggghhh les Bleagh!
Dwight Schrute: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.
Erin Hannon: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!
Dwight Schrute: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Dwight Schrute: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.
Dwight Schrute: I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Erin Hannon: Yeah! Let’s do it!
Dwight Schrute: (exclaims) Atherozar!
Erin Hannon: (shocked) Oh!
Dwight Schrute: It means “excellent”. And we have begun.
Pam Beesly: (asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk). Is everything okay?
Nellie Bertram: Hmm? Oh—oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d—I just don't wanna—burden you with my massive stress freak outs!
Pam Beesly: Great.
Nellie Bertram: It’s just that I am taking my driver’s license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to “Demandy”...(Points to Andy's office with her thumb). I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But…in who's car?
Andy Bernard: (yells) Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Nellie Bertram: (sighs)
Pam Beesly: Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! (hugs Pam)
Nellie & Pam: (giggling) ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Jim Halpert: Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.
Nellie Bertram: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from
Andy Bernard: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie Bertram: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy Bernard: As in...
Nellie Bertram: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy Bernard: (silently mouths) Wow!
Andy Bernard: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
Andy Bernard: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
Erin Hannon: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, “What's your stance on politics?” Or, “What is the best war to do?” And, I will just be like, “Duhhhh!”
Andy Bernard: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.
Pete Miller: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark Green: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.
Clark Green: Oooohhhhhhhh!
Clark Green: It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete Miller: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark Green: Just clap through it, man.
Darryl Philbin: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim Halpert: That was really good, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: Life hacking, man.
Andy Bernard: There he is!
Jim Halpert: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me—(gets interrupted by Andy).
Andy Bernard: (shushing Jim) Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Darryl Philbin: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
Andy Bernard: It's me! (chuckles) I am related to Michelle Obama.
Darryl Philbin: What?! Really?
Andy Bernard: I mean, it's distant, but...
Darryl Philbin: (chuckles in agreement) Huh ha! That's cool, man.
Andy Bernard: Right?
Andy Bernard: Darryl said, “Cool, man.” He called me as cool man.
Pam Beesly: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Nellie Bertram: Mmmm—the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I’m driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Pam Beesly: Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Nellie Bertram: Whhooooo!
Oscar Martinez: I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Phyllis Vance: You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Stanley Hudson: Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.
Dwight Schrute: I throat-rip.
Erin Hannon: Foth aggendak!
Dwight Schrute: You throat-rip.
Erin Hannon: Foth aggendi!
Dwight Schrute: He/she/it throat rips.
Erin Hannon: Foth aggenda!
Dwight Schrute: More of a, barbaric growl.
Erin Hannon: (in a barbaric growl) Forth aggenda!
Dwight Schrute: Louder! You’re shouting it from the back of a horse!
Erin Hannon: Wah!! Aggenda!!
Pam Beesly: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie Bertram: (laughs mischievously) Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam Beesly: What?
Nellie Bertram: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Nellie Bertram: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam Beesly: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie Bertram: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Pam Beesly: (laughs)
Pam Beesly: Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.
Nellie Bertram: (whispers) Pam! (she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy’s head).
Pam Beesly: (laughs)
Oscar Martinez: Well, if there’s another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I—(gets cut by Andy barging into the convo)
Andy Bernard: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. (chuckles) I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! (Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl).
Oscar Martinez: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy Bernard: Why? Is it employee’s day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar Martinez: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were—slave owners.
Andy Bernard: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
Darryl Philbin: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Andy Bernard: Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.
Darryl Philbin: Yes, yes, yes.
Andy Bernard: Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!
Darryl Philbin: I included some time saving ideas...
Andy Bernard: Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.
Darryl Philbin: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird.
Andy Bernard: (snaps his fingers) Right on, brotha. Wurddd.
Erin Hannon: Addor!
Dwight Schrute: Daraas!
Erin Hannon: Qazer!
Dwight Schrute: Daraas! (asks the rest of the office) Does anyone here have fermented mare’s milk?
Pete Miller: Hey Erin!
Erin Hannon: Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!
Pete Miller: Oh—okay. Sorry.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work.
Pam Beesly: Yeah—turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again—those are the wipers. So—the—its—just. There you go! Yeah. (chuckles) Yeah, things get so busy with the kids—red light—that it's nice to have that creative outlet—red light! Red light! Red! Red!
Nellie Bertram: That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work.
Pam Beesly: Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby.
Nellie Bertram: That’s amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo!
Pam Beesly: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.
Andy Bernard: (to Erin). Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
Erin Hannon: Vos!
Andy Bernard: So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.
Erin Hannon: Because of your slaves.
Andy Bernard: Not my slaves, my ancestors’. Maybe. Probably not.
Erin Hannon: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for “slave master”, “attafrauk!”, is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed?
Andy Bernard: That you’re learning a made-up language from HBO’s Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!
Erin Hannon: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language.
Dwight Schrute: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it.
Andy Bernard: Hi guys.
Phyllis Vance: Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. You don't have to ask me.
Andy Bernard: Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be—(ringtone of Dixie plays). Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes” by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith—African American—Mambazo.
Pam Beesly: Good. Very good. (cell phone beeping)Oh—no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. “New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.” And then in parentheses, he wrote out “as soon as possible.”
Nellie Bertram: Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, “looking for dirt.”
Pam Beesly: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding.
Nellie Bertram: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.
Pam Beesly: Oh—gee—I’m—
Nellie Bertram: No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! (whispers) I love it.
Pam Beesly: Brilliant!
Nellie Bertram: What should we say about Jim?
Pam Beesly: Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
Nellie Bertram: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. (pauses) I just made a joke there.
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there’s something Jim isn't telling me.
Nellie Bertram: Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!
Pam Beesly: Jim? No.
Nellie Bertram: (sighs). How can you be sure?
Pam Beesly: Because he just loves me too much.
Nellie Bertram: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?
Andy Bernard: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol’ family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela Martin: Ew.
Andy Bernard: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin Malone: And John Wayne?
Andy Bernard: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin Malone: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy Bernard: You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!
Jim Halpert: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True—(touches his nose) Oh no.
Andy Bernard: Dwight's grandfather was a—(is interrupted by Dwight).
Dwight Schrute: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So…(clears throat)
Andy Bernard: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah!
Andy Bernard: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
Meredith Palmer: Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! (mimics stabbing into Angela’s throat)
Angela Martin: Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me!
Phyllis Vance: Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?
Kevin Malone: Yeah, that—you're being really mean, Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, Andy.
Andy Bernard: No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it’s not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.
Oscar Martinez: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.
Andy Bernard: Might've done. And how… do you figure?
Oscar Martinez: Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Andy Bernard: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.
Oscar Martinez: Really?
Andy Bernard: We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.
Andy Bernard: Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.
Darryl Philbin: You’re gonna po’ mouth
Andy Bernard: Exactly. Help me po’ mouth, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions—
Andy Bernard: What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?
Darryl Philbin: That could work.
Andy Bernard: You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.
Darryl Philbin: I’m going for a walk.
Andy Bernard: (with a sigh) Okay.
Pam Beesly: Good. Good. And—(Nellie hits the car against the bushes)
Jim Halpert: You doing alright, man?
Darryl Philbin: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl Philbin: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
Jim Halpert: Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right?
Darryl Philbin: Hmm. Yeah right
Jim Halpert: No, I'm serious. There's always something better.
Darryl Philbin: Like what?
Jim Halpert: Like hypothetically… if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have.
Darryl Philbin: What kind of job?
Jim Halpert: Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into?
Darryl Philbin: Hell yeah!
Jim Halpert: Right?
Darryl Philbin: That sounds awesome!
Jim Halpert: Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to...
Darryl Philbin: I love Philly!
Jim Halpert: Right?
Darryl Philbin: It's not even a thought—
Jim Halpert: Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!
Darryl Philbin: What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening?
Jim Halpert: Oh, it’s happening! Let’s just keep it between you and me for right now.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it?
Jim Halpert: We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's—I think she understands... what this is.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real.
Jim Halpert: What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real!
Darryl Philbin: It's not real... until your wife is on board.
Pam Beesly: So what did you want to show me?
Nellie Bertram: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. It's really ugly
Nellie Bertram: Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking…a mural.
Pam Beesly: You mean me?
Nellie Bertram: Yes! You! You are soo talented! It’s going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton’s most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.
Pam Beesly: Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I—Nellie, this is brilliant! (sees Jim) Hey!
Jim Halpert: Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?
Nellie Bertram: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!
Pam Beesly: What?! No! I-I got this. (Laughs) Okay?
Nellie Bertram: (quietly) This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich.
Nellie Bertram: And Filipino. But we’ll break that to her later.
Nellie Bertram: (to Darryl) You know what this is all about.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. You too, huh?
Nellie Bertram: Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake!
Darryl Philbin: Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. (whispers) Yeah.
Nellie Bertram: Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this.
Jim Halpert: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.
Pam Beesly: I still can't believe he didn't tell me.
Pam Beesly: I was helping Nellie drive—(Stanley interrupts)
Stanley Hudson: Do not care.
Pete Miller: Fonas chek!
Erin Hannon: Dothraas! chek! (giggles)
Andy Bernard: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Erin Hannon: (in agreement) Hmmm!

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