Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Work Bus

Vol. 9 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

Every line from the chaotic road trip to Laverne’s Pies is right here. You’ll find the full script and all the best quotes from when Dwight turns a bus into an office to avoid a week of repairs. Whether you’re looking for Kevin’s pie math or Nellie’s adoption drama, it's all in the transcript.

Scene 01

23 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. (Andy plays video)
Group
Dunder Mifflin!
Andy Bernard
Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! (Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows) Fail. (repeats) Fail.
Kevin Malone
That's me. (repeats)
Andy Bernard
Fail.
Oscar Martinez
Is this like a blooper reel?
Andy Bernard
A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! (Points to video) Who's this guy? (Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme)Look at him dance. Fail!
Dwight Schrute
Fail!
Jim Halpert
I deserved that.
Andy Bernard
(Darryl runs in slow motion on video) Do do do do do do do.
Darryl Philbin
That was a triple.
Andy Bernard
Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Darryl Philbin
My pleasure.
Andy Bernard
(in video) Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. (Clark and Pete wave at camera) We fail! (Video shows memorial of Jerry)
Andy Bernard
I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. (Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.) Well, that's all folks. (photo of Andy watersking shows on screen) Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. (Group claps halfheartedly)
Oscar Martinez
What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Andy Bernard
Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Jim Halpert
Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Andy Bernard
Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..(Group protests)
Jim Halpert
I think I got it right here. (Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself)(Group laughs)
Andy Bernard
That was not a fail.
Group
Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Andy Bernard
(Group continues chanting “Fail!”)That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. (Group keeps chanting) You're all failing right now. (Group continues) Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! (Group claps and chants)

Scene 02

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X) Oh, god.
Phyllis Vance
What's going on?
Dwight Schrute
Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Stanley Hudson
What's he measuring?
Dwight Schrute
OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby Flenderson
It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis Vance
(Gasps) Oh my god!
Oscar Martinez
It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area (Erin marks red tape X on the floor) Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy Bernard
Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby Flenderson
You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy Bernard
I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley Hudson
Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight Schrute
OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(mocking) Oh, the wires need insulation. (normal voice) It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.

Scene 04

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(Jim rushes to open door for her) Thank you.
Jim Halpert
You got it.

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! (mimes punch) Gotta go through me first.

Scene 06

23 lines
Nellie Bertram
Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy Bernard
Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy Bernard
You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie Bertram
I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy Bernard
A baby what? A human?!
Nellie Bertram
And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Andy Bernard
Oh.
Nellie Bertram
You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Andy Bernard
Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Nellie Bertram
It's not..it's-
Andy Bernard
And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Nellie Bertram
Well then if I could just convince...
Andy Bernard
And those sand grains are tumbling..
Nellie Bertram
You.
Andy Bernard
With fury...
Nellie Bertram
It's not..it's not
Andy Bernard
Down the sides..
Nellie Bertram
Entrapment if I'm..
Andy Bernard
Of the hourglass..
Nellie Bertram
..writing..
Andy Bernard
Time's up!
Nellie Bertram
Fine.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.

Scene 08

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Reading from computer) “Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!” That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith Palmer
You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Dwight Schrute
You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Pam Beesly
Week off. That'd be great.

Scene 09

14 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave) Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark Green
I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl Philbin
Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark Green
Just do the tutorial.
Darryl Philbin
You're the tutorial.
Clark Green
No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl Philbin
You could be.
Clark Green
Mm-mm.
Darryl Philbin
(to Jim) What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl Philbin
You popped one kernel.
Jim Halpert
Awesome, right? (leaves)
Clark Green
So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Darryl Philbin
Correct.

Scene 10

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. (group agrees, protests)
Dwight Schrute
What? Come on.
Creed Bratton
I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Meredith Palmer
I'm not gonna grow a third arm!

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.

Scene 12

12 lines
Jim Halpert
(reading from computer) “Side effects of EMF include: headaches...”
Dwight Schrute
Had 'em all my life.
Jim Halpert
”..breast pain...”
Dwight Schrute
No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Jim Halpert
Oof. “Infertility.”
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Yeah right. (Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch)
Jim Halpert
Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight Schrute
Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. (notices popped kernels in the bag) What the?
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim Halpert
That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...(looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair) Oh my god.
Dwight Schrute
Andy! (Jim mimes basketball shot)

Scene 13

11 lines
Jim Halpert
I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam Beesly
Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim Halpert
You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? (Pam nods) Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam Beesly
A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim Halpert
Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, OK then.
Andy Bernard
Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.
Dwight Schrute
So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Meredith Palmer
Nice job.
Dwight Schrute
In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.
Jim Halpert
What?

Scene 14

4 lines
Pam Beesly
What's this?
Andy Bernard
Whoa!
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
(Bus pulls into lot) Bring it in!

Scene 15

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. (Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily) If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. (Erin tapes candy dish to pole) In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.

Scene 16

9 lines
Stanley Hudson
(on phone) There are a hundred packs..
Oscar Martinez
(On phone) No six after the eight, no....
Stanley Hudson
Shh!
Oscar Martinez
Shh!
Stanley Hudson
Ninety nine cases..yeah.
Oscar Martinez
Six. (Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying)
Angela Martin
Ooh!
Pete Miller
Oh sorry! Sorry.
Angela Martin
Oh my god!

Scene 17

3 lines
Erin Hannon
(bumps into Meredith) Sorry.
Meredith Palmer
Lose weight.
Erin Hannon
I'm trying. Sorry.

Scene 18

8 lines
Erin Hannon
(handing Nelly envelope) Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie Bertram
Oh of course, you were adopted.
Erin Hannon
(laughs) I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? (laughs) Oh well.
Nellie Bertram
Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin Hannon
Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie Bertram
Oh thank you so much!
Erin Hannon
(whispers) Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie Bertram
He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. (Erin nods)

Scene 19

35 lines
Clark Green
Stretch. Alright.
Stanley Hudson
How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark Green
I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley Hudson
Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.
Jim Halpert
Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.
Clark Green
It's a medical thing.
Jim Halpert
Just...you good?
Clark Green
I'm good. I..
Jim Halpert
(to Pam) I'm so sorry for all of this.
Pam Beesly
It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
Angela Martin
I, I need to get to the paper please. (Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her)
Pam Beesly
Oh my god! Ah!
Jim Halpert
I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam Beesly
You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. (Pam leaves work bus)
Jim Halpert
Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. (Dwight smiles at Jim) Really? Smirking?
Dwight Schrute
What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?
Dwight Schrute
It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Jim Halpert
Andy!
Andy Bernard
Yo. Dudeces.
Jim Halpert
You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I know I'd be more productive.
Kevin Malone
As would I.
Stanley Hudson
No question.
Dwight Schrute
No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Jim Halpert
What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Phyllis & Kevin & Stanley
Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy Bernard
Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.
Erin Hannon
Yes! (Group cheers)
Jim Halpert
Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.
Pam Beesly
Oh! Yes! (Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat)
Jim Halpert
(To Dwight) So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight Schrute
Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Jim Halpert
You got it.
Erin Hannon
Yeah Jim! (Group claps)

Scene 20

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Sitting outside building) Stop.
Clark Green
Come back.
Darryl Philbin
Too late.
Clark Green
Mmm.

Scene 21

17 lines
Group
Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.
Pam Beesly
My name is Pam.
Group
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
I like to paint.
Group
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
You think you're better?
Group
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
Oh no you ain't!
Group
Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
Kevin Malone
My name is Kevin.
Group
Yeah!
Kevin Malone
That is my name.
Group
Yeah!
Kevin Malone
They call me Kevin.
Group
Yeah!
Kevin Malone
Cause that's my name.
Group
Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!

Scene 22

1 line
Creed Bratton
(Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker) Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god.

Scene 23

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! (group takes pictures) Ah OK, now a serious one.
Pam Beesly
Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim Halpert
If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam Beesly
No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim Halpert
He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam Beesly
Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim Halpert
He's fine. He's indestructible.

Scene 24

3 lines
Erin Hannon
Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.
Nellie Bertram
(laughs) Well, I have considered kidnapping one.
Erin Hannon
Never say that.

Scene 25

2 lines
Erin Hannon
I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie Bertram
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.

Scene 26

31 lines
Stanley Hudson
Next stop pies! (group joins in)
Group
Next stop pies!
Kevin Malone
Next stop pies!
Jim Halpert
Let's go driver! (clapping) Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin Malone
At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela Martin
So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin Malone
Wh...
Oscar Martinez
Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin Malone
314 pies.
Oscar Martinez
What if it were salads?
Kevin Malone
Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim Halpert
OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight Schrute
That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim Halpert
Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam Beesly
Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim Halpert
Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Group
No!
Dwight Schrute
Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Jim Halpert
What do we want?!
Group
Pies!
Jim Halpert
When do we want it?!
Group
Pies!
Dwight Schrute
OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. (drops keys in Jim's lap) Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim Halpert
That's impossible. (Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch) Dwight!
Meredith Palmer
Oh my!
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Meredith Palmer
Dwight, what the hell?
Oscar Martinez
Dwight!
Clark Green
What?
Kevin Malone
Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.

Scene 27

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
(Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling) Just drive away. Just..
Pam Beesly
Phyllis! That's not safe.
Kevin Malone
Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Jim Halpert
You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Pam Beesly
Please? Just make sure he's OK? (Jim climbs through hatch)
Stanley Hudson
Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy Bernard
Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! (group gasps)
Meredith Palmer
What?

Scene 28

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight Schrute
I'm barren, Jim.
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim Halpert
Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight Schrute
You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Jim Halpert
No.
Dwight Schrute
That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
I'll take it.

Scene 29

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
Andy?
Andy Bernard
Who is it?
Nellie Bertram
Um, is this a good time?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. (takes paper from Nelly) Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, (reading) blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, why, is there something?
Andy Bernard
It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Nellie Bertram
Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy Bernard
Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie Bertram
Alright then.

Scene 30

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight Schrute
Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim Halpert
That doesn't matter.
Dwight Schrute
What position did you use to conceive?
Jim Halpert
Ok...that's not...
Dwight Schrute
Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.

Scene 31

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain) British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Pete Miller
I don't think that's Nelly.
Andy Bernard
What?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. (Erin cries, Nelly comforts her) It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.

Scene 32

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight Schrute
You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim Halpert
Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Dwight Schrute
Bildenkinder.
Jim Halpert
OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.

Scene 33

14 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh! (Jim reenters bus through hatch) Hey! How'd it go?
Jim Halpert
It's pretty good actually.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Jim Halpert
We bonded. We got to- (Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim)
Oscar Martinez
Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! (group reacts)
Dwight Schrute
When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Pam Beesly
You feel OK now?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, better than OK. (grabs Pam's shoulders) You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam Beesly
Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Jim Halpert
Don't..
Pam Beesly
the one pie that I don't.
Jim Halpert
Don't..
Dwight Schrute
Everybody! Hang on! (Dwight pulls out quickly)
Angela Martin
Oh! (bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other)

Scene 34

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Group chants along) Pie! Pie! Pie!
Group
Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! (cheers as they arrive)

Scene 35

4 lines
Nellie Bertram
Oh.
Andy Bernard
I changed my mind. (gives Nelly papers)
Nellie Bertram
Oh, you signed it?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. (laughs) Well, yeah, whatever. So. (walks away)

Scene 36

1 line
Nellie Bertram
(Reading) “She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.”

Scene 37

7 lines
Kevin Malone
I insult you, Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
What?
Kevin Malone
I insult you! To your face!
Oscar Martinez
I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin Malone
Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar Martinez
(laughs) Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin Malone
You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! (Oscar pies Kevin) Yes!

Scene 38

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed.
Jim Halpert
We did it.
Pam Beesly
You did it.

Scene 39

12 lines
Andy Bernard
My name is Andy!
Group
(bored) Yeah.
Andy Bernard
I don't do drugs!
Group
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Now check the style!
Group
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group
Yeah. (Andy plays banjo)
Pam Beesly
Role call.
Phyllis Vance
Role call.
Oscar Martinez
Role call.
Creed Bratton
What?