Every line from The Office episode "Work Bus", season 9 episode 4.
Andy Bernard: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. (Andy plays video)
Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! (Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows) Fail. (repeats) Fail.
Kevin Malone: That's me. (repeats)
Oscar Martinez: Is this like a blooper reel?
Andy Bernard: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! (Points to video) Who's this guy? (Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme)Look at him dance. Fail!
Jim Halpert: I deserved that.
Andy Bernard: (Darryl runs in slow motion on video) Do do do do do do do.
Darryl Philbin: That was a triple.
Andy Bernard: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Darryl Philbin: My pleasure.
Andy Bernard: (in video) Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. (Clark and Pete wave at camera) We fail! (Video shows memorial of Jerry)
Andy Bernard: I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. (Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.) Well, that's all folks. (photo of Andy watersking shows on screen) Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. (Group claps halfheartedly)
Oscar Martinez: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Andy Bernard: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Jim Halpert: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Andy Bernard: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..(Group protests)
Jim Halpert: I think I got it right here. (Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself)(Group laughs)
Andy Bernard: That was not a fail.
Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Andy Bernard: (Group continues chanting “Fail!”)That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. (Group keeps chanting) You're all failing right now. (Group continues) Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! (Group claps and chants)
Dwight Schrute: (Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X) Oh, god.
Phyllis Vance: What's going on?
Dwight Schrute: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Stanley Hudson: What's he measuring?
Dwight Schrute: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby Flenderson: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis Vance: (Gasps) Oh my god!
Oscar Martinez: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area (Erin marks red tape X on the floor) Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy Bernard: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby Flenderson: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy Bernard: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley Hudson: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight Schrute: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
Nellie Bertram: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy Bernard: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy Bernard: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie Bertram: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy Bernard: A baby what? A human?!
Nellie Bertram: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Nellie Bertram: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Andy Bernard: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Nellie Bertram: It's not..it's-
Andy Bernard: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Nellie Bertram: Well then if I could just convince...
Andy Bernard: And those sand grains are tumbling..
Andy Bernard: With fury...
Nellie Bertram: It's not..it's not
Andy Bernard: Down the sides..
Nellie Bertram: Entrapment if I'm..
Andy Bernard: Of the hourglass..
Nellie Bertram: ..writing..
Darryl Philbin: (Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave) Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark Green: I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl Philbin: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark Green: Just do the tutorial.
Darryl Philbin: You're the tutorial.
Clark Green: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl Philbin: You could be.
Darryl Philbin: (to Jim) What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl Philbin: You popped one kernel.
Jim Halpert: Awesome, right? (leaves)
Clark Green: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Jim Halpert: (reading from computer) “Side effects of EMF include: headaches...”
Dwight Schrute: Had 'em all my life.
Jim Halpert: ”..breast pain...”
Dwight Schrute: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oof. “Infertility.”
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Yeah right. (Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch)
Jim Halpert: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight Schrute: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. (notices popped kernels in the bag) What the?
Dwight Schrute: Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim Halpert: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...(looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair) Oh my god.
Dwight Schrute: Andy! (Jim mimes basketball shot)
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam Beesly: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim Halpert: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? (Pam nods) Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam Beesly: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim Halpert: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, OK then.
Andy Bernard: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.
Dwight Schrute: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Meredith Palmer: Nice job.
Dwight Schrute: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.
Stanley Hudson: (on phone) There are a hundred packs..
Oscar Martinez: (On phone) No six after the eight, no....
Stanley Hudson: Ninety nine cases..yeah.
Oscar Martinez: Six. (Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying)
Pete Miller: Oh sorry! Sorry.
Angela Martin: Oh my god!
Erin Hannon: (handing Nelly envelope) Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie Bertram: Oh of course, you were adopted.
Erin Hannon: (laughs) I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? (laughs) Oh well.
Nellie Bertram: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin Hannon: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie Bertram: Oh thank you so much!
Erin Hannon: (whispers) Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie Bertram: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. (Erin nods)
Clark Green: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley Hudson: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark Green: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley Hudson: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.
Jim Halpert: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.
Clark Green: It's a medical thing.
Jim Halpert: Just...you good?
Clark Green: I'm good. I..
Jim Halpert: (to Pam) I'm so sorry for all of this.
Pam Beesly: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
Angela Martin: I, I need to get to the paper please. (Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her)
Pam Beesly: Oh my god! Ah!
Jim Halpert: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam Beesly: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. (Pam leaves work bus)
Jim Halpert: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. (Dwight smiles at Jim) Really? Smirking?
Dwight Schrute: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?
Dwight Schrute: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Andy Bernard: Yo. Dudeces.
Jim Halpert: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I know I'd be more productive.
Kevin Malone: As would I.
Stanley Hudson: No question.
Dwight Schrute: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Phyllis & Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy Bernard: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.
Erin Hannon: Yes! (Group cheers)
Jim Halpert: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.
Pam Beesly: Oh! Yes! (Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat)
Jim Halpert: (To Dwight) So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight Schrute: Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Erin Hannon: Yeah Jim! (Group claps)
Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.
Pam Beesly: My name is Pam.
Pam Beesly: I like to paint.
Pam Beesly: You think you're better?
Pam Beesly: Oh no you ain't!
Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
Kevin Malone: My name is Kevin.
Kevin Malone: That is my name.
Kevin Malone: They call me Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Cause that's my name.
Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!
Andy Bernard: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! (group takes pictures) Ah OK, now a serious one.
Pam Beesly: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim Halpert: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam Beesly: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim Halpert: He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam Beesly: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim Halpert: He's fine. He's indestructible.
Stanley Hudson: Next stop pies! (group joins in)
Kevin Malone: Next stop pies!
Jim Halpert: Let's go driver! (clapping) Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin Malone: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela Martin: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Oscar Martinez: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Oscar Martinez: What if it were salads?
Kevin Malone: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim Halpert: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight Schrute: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam Beesly: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim Halpert: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Dwight Schrute: Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Jim Halpert: What do we want?!
Jim Halpert: When do we want it?!
Dwight Schrute: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. (drops keys in Jim's lap) Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim Halpert: That's impossible. (Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch) Dwight!
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Meredith Palmer: Dwight, what the hell?
Kevin Malone: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.
Phyllis Vance: (Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling) Just drive away. Just..
Pam Beesly: Phyllis! That's not safe.
Kevin Malone: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Jim Halpert: You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Pam Beesly: Please? Just make sure he's OK? (Jim climbs through hatch)
Stanley Hudson: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy Bernard: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! (group gasps)
Jim Halpert: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight Schrute: I'm barren, Jim.
Dwight Schrute: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim Halpert: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight Schrute: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Dwight Schrute: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. (laughs)
Jim Halpert: I'll take it.
Nellie Bertram: Um, is this a good time?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. (takes paper from Nelly) Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, (reading) blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, why, is there something?
Andy Bernard: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Nellie Bertram: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy Bernard: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie Bertram: Alright then.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight Schrute: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim Halpert: That doesn't matter.
Dwight Schrute: What position did you use to conceive?
Jim Halpert: Ok...that's not...
Dwight Schrute: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.
Andy Bernard: (To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain) British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Pete Miller: I don't think that's Nelly.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. (Erin cries, Nelly comforts her) It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.
Jim Halpert: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight Schrute: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim Halpert: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Dwight Schrute: Bildenkinder.
Jim Halpert: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.
Pam Beesly: Oh! (Jim reenters bus through hatch) Hey! How'd it go?
Jim Halpert: It's pretty good actually.
Jim Halpert: We bonded. We got to- (Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim)
Oscar Martinez: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! (group reacts)
Dwight Schrute: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Pam Beesly: You feel OK now?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, better than OK. (grabs Pam's shoulders) You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam Beesly: Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Pam Beesly: the one pie that I don't.
Dwight Schrute: Everybody! Hang on! (Dwight pulls out quickly)
Angela Martin: Oh! (bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other)
Kevin Malone: I insult you, Oscar.
Kevin Malone: I insult you! To your face!
Oscar Martinez: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin Malone: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar Martinez: (laughs) Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin Malone: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! (Oscar pies Kevin) Yes!
Andy Bernard: My name is Andy!
Andy Bernard: I don't do drugs!
Andy Bernard: Now check the style!
Andy Bernard: Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group: Yeah. (Andy plays banjo)
Phyllis Vance: Role call.
Oscar Martinez: Role call.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 9. Work Bus is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.