Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Here Comes Treble

Vol. 9 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Here's the full script and every line from "Here Comes Treble," where Andy’s Cornell obsession hits a new peak. You'll find the whole argument about the $10,000 investment and the showdown with Broccoli Rob over who the real Boner Champ is. It’s got all the Halloween chaos you need in one place.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.

Scene 02

2 lines
Erin Hannon
(screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
(screaming then laughing) It may have been the costliest decision I’ve ever made.

Scene 03

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...
Jim Halpert
It won’t budge.
Dwight Schrute
I can’t get it out. Try again!

Scene 04

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...
Dwight Schrute
(as Jim approaches with a knife) Jim, no. No. No! No!

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.

Scene 06

1 line
Dwight Schrute
At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?

Scene 07

11 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey guys.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Pam, what are you?
Pam Beesly
I am Dr. Cinderella.
Jim Halpert
Cece’s really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models.
Pam Beesly
I’m an oncologist and you are a dog.
Erin Hannon
No, I’m a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen.
Jim Halpert
It’s Okay.
Erin Hannon
Uh, Jim, you’re not dressed up at all.
Jim Halpert
Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. (to Pam, under his breath) Can I have your sunglasses?
Erin Hannon
Jim, come on. I thought we were past this.

Scene 08

5 lines
Pam Beesly
So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?
Jim Halpert
There’s a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume.
Pam Beesly
Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Jim Halpert
Gettin’ a lot of mileage out of this, aren’t ya?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.

Scene 09

19 lines
Andy Bernard
A jitterbug. (giggles) You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?
Angela Martin
The senator will be joining us later.
Andy Bernard
Not a question.
Angela Martin
No, it wasn’t.
Andy Bernard
Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.
HCT
(singing)
Andy Bernard
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
HCT
(sings Karma Chameleon)
Andy Bernard
Aaah! (everyone clapping) So good!
Dwight Schrute
What lab did these little clones escape from?
Andy Bernard
My Cornell a capella group.
Pam Beesly
You were in an a capella group?
Darryl Philbin
You went to Cornell?
Andy Bernard
Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.
Stanley Hudson
Ugh. I don’t want to sit through a whole concert of that.
Clark Green
I do. I love the boss’s interests.
Andy Bernard
Atta boy Clark!
Meredith Palmer
Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?
Andy Bernard
No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.

Scene 10

1 line
Andy Bernard
You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael’s Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I’m so not prepared.

Scene 11

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Are you sure you’re okay with me putting in this much money.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I mean, listen if we’re gonna do this thing, we should do it right.
Jim Halpert
You’re the best.
Pam Beesly
I kind of am. It’s crazy.
Jim Halpert
Okay. I’ll see you in a little bit.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Jim. Look I’m eating you.
Jim Halpert
Shut up.
Dwight Schrute
Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I’m eating Jims.
Erin Hannon
(laughs)
Dwight Schrute
(laughing) Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.
Erin Hannon
(laughing hysterically) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight Schrute
Oh no, I’m spilling Jim all over the carpet. (laughing)
Erin Hannon
Stop it stop it stop it stop it!
Dwight Schrute
(picking up spilled candy) Hello little pill. What do you do?

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There’s a madman in our midst.

Scene 13

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay I give up. What are you?
Nellie Bertram
I’m sexy Toby.
Pam Beesly
(laughing) Gross. I love it.
Dwight Schrute
Dumatril!
Nellie Bertram
Something wrong Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Dumatril.
Nellie Bertram
Yes?
Dwight Schrute
This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it’s not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It’s not for any disorder of the body. (whispering) It’s for a disorder of the mind.
Nellie Bertram
The mind is part of the body.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... (whispering) They are now off their meds.
Nellie Bertram
Dwight, our co-workers’ health issues are really none of our business so-
Dwight Schrute
Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What’s going on Nellie? Talk to me.
Nellie Bertram
Hm?

Scene 14

1 line
Nellie Bertram
It’s my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I’m not ashamed of that, But I’m not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.

Scene 15

2 lines
Nellie Bertram
Yeah, you’re right. This man needs to be apprehended.
Dwight Schrute
I’ll get my apprehension kit.

Scene 16

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Ruh duh duh da dudes! What’s up?
HCT
(mumbled responses)

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
I know that it’s pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that’s when I became somebody. When I got the nickname "Boner Champ," that is when I became me.

Scene 18

8 lines
Andy Bernard
You didn’t come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now’s your chance! I’m here. You got Qs; I got As.
HCT Member #1
Did you say you’ve got AIDS?
Andy Bernard
No, I don’t have AIDS. That’s not what I said. Next question.
Andy Bernard
You don’t have any-- Any questions about the old days? (clears throat) You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
HCT Member #2
I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Andy Bernard
I’m sorry, what?
HCT Member #2
I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Andy Bernard
Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.

Scene 19

2 lines
Pete Miller
I didn’t realize that everybody here dresses up every year.
Creed Bratton
Me neither.

Scene 20

1 line
Creed Bratton
It’s Halloween. That is really, really good timing.

Scene 21

7 lines
Andy Bernard
I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you’re Boner Champ.
Broccoli Rob
(on computer monitor) I’m so sorry! I don’t know how that could have happened.
Andy Bernard
Did you maybe tell them that or...?
Broccoli Rob
I just-- I just started yappin’ about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky.
Andy Bernard
Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it’s really stupid, but it’s also really, really, really important.
Broccoli Rob
Will do. I love you, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Love you too.

Scene 22

13 lines
Businessman #1
So the workspace looks awesome.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Businessman #2
And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can’t wait to see them.
Businessman #3
You guys rock. (round of fistbumps)
Businessman #1
I killed it.
Businessman #2
I’ve also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we’re looking great for a full year on this.
Jim Halpert
Oh, uh, is it too late to get in?
Businessman #3
Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you’re all set.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we’d really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor.
Businessman #2
Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about?
Jim Halpert
We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - (blows air) - all in.
Businessman #3
Welcome aboard!
Jim Halpert
All right. (laughs) Awesome. Cool.

Scene 23

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hi Daryl. I’m just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
Nellie Bertram
You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.
Dwight Schrute
That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?
Darryl Philbin
I can’t really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks.
Dwight Schrute
So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?
Darryl Philbin
Get under your chin first. Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Is that where the nanobots like to come in?
Darryl Philbin
Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Is that how they like to get in?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, that’s crazy.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Scene 24

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Yo! Bad boys of a capella.
HCT
(mumbling) Hey.
Andy Bernard
Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?
HCT Member #3
Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ.
Andy Bernard
Did he tell you how I got the name?
HCT Member #3
No.
Andy Bernard
Spring sing ‘95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way.

Scene 25

11 lines
Angela Martin
And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator?
Oscar Martinez
Senator Lipton, nice to see you.
The Senator
Nice to see you Oscar.
Angela Martin
Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem!
The Senator
So Oscar, you’re a dinosaur.
Oscar Martinez
Actually I’m the electoral college.
The Senator
Ouch! Right on target.
Angela Martin
You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis!
The Senator
God, it’s just so good to see you.
Oscar Martinez
I, uh, huh, just (chuckles nervously)
The Senator
All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch?

Scene 26

3 lines
Andy Bernard
They didn’t know about the snowman story, and when I told ‘em, they were not impressed.
Erin Hannon
What is with these turkeys?
Andy Bernard
Right?

Scene 27

6 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey! You better do ‘Faith.’ You get me?
HCT Member #3
We don’t know it.
Erin Hannon
So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you’re like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin’ song.
HCT Member #3
Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but--
Erin Hannon
Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. (to Pete) This isn’t stupid.
Pete Miller
What?

Scene 28

25 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Hey.
Nellie Bertram
Hey Toby.
Toby Flenderson
Are... are you me?
Nellie Bertram
Yes.
Toby Flenderson
Oh my goodness, look. Look at this.
Nellie Bertram
Yeah. I...
Toby Flenderson
(unintelligible mumbling)
Nellie Bertram
Yes. I thought I’d you know, be you.
Toby Flenderson
Look at.. Look at me. (laughs)
Nellie Bertram
(laughing) It’s funny right? (Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away)
Dwight Schrute
All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill.
Nellie Bertram
Okay, look Dwight, let’s just call this thing off. I mean, it’s just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety.
Dwight Schrute
You think I don’t have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I’ve got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne’er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don’t need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Meredith Palmer
Cool. Free upper.
Dwight Schrute
Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!
Meredith Palmer
Don’t dog catch me!
Dwight Schrute
Gotcha! Yeah! Let’s see ya get out of this web, huh?
Meredith Palmer
Let me out!
Nellie Bertram
The pill is mine.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Nellie Bertram
Get her out.
Dwight Schrute
Oh.
Meredith Palmer
Stop baggin’ my head!
Nellie Bertram
Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It’s for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too.

Scene 29

35 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, how’d it go?
Jim Halpert
Oh man, it was great. They were great.
Pam Beesly
Did you end up investing?
Jim Halpert
I did, yeah.
Pam Beesly
How much?
Jim Halpert
Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten...
Pam Beesly
About ten?
Jim Halpert
Ten. It was the full ten.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yeah. It’s a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to...
Pam Beesly
No yeah. Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
So did everybody ...
Jim Halpert
What is it?
Pam Beesly
Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?
Jim Halpert
Um, oh man, I don’t actually know.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
They weren’t really talking that much about money. They just said, We’re good with investing and then I...and I...
Andy Bernard
Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
HCT
(vocalizing)
Pam Beesly
They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?
Jim Halpert
No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam.
Pam Beesly
So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?
Jim Halpert
You weren’t there.
HCT
(singing ‘I’ll Be’)
Jim Halpert
It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later.
HCT
(singing ‘I’ll Be’ directly to Pam)
Pam Beesly
Talk about it now.
Jim Halpert
Pam.
Pam Beesly
Jim, that was most of our savings.
HCT
(still singing)
Clark Green
Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where’s the band? ‘Cause there’s just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.
Creed Bratton
Yeah. That's what she said.

Scene 30

1 line
Clark Green
What, am I overdoing it? No. No.

Scene 31

5 lines
HCT
(singing)
Pam Beesly
We said some. We said ‘some.’
Jim Halpert
We’ll talk about it later.
HCT
(singing)
Pam Beesly
We said part not all.

Scene 32

23 lines
HCT
(singing ‘Car Wash’)
Clark Green
Yes! All right!
Andy Bernard
Oh Man! (clapping)
Clark Green
That’s how you do that! Whoo!
HCT
Thank you.
Stanley Hudson
Show some pride. This is crap.
Dwight Schrute
I agree. Yes, crap. Continue.
HCT Member #3
Now folks, by special request, we’re going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room.
Darryl Philbin
Who?
HCT Member #3
It’s Mr. Andy Bernard!
Everyone
(clapping)
HCT
(singing ‘Faith’)
Andy Bernard
No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...
HCT Member #3
He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here’s an old Treble classic.
HCT
(singing ‘Faith’)
Broccoli Rob
(on flat screen tv) (singing lead of Faith)
Andy Bernard
Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?
HCT Member #3
She said you wanted to hear ‘Faith’. That’s Broccoli Rob’s signature song.
Andy Bernard
That’s my signature song.
HCT Member #3
I really didn’t know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it.
Andy Bernard
Russell, I’m dressed like George Michael.
HCT Member #3
I thought you were Adam Lambert.
Andy Bernard
Wha...?

Scene 33

1 line
Erin Hannon
The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it’s kind of pathetic. But when you’re with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.

Scene 34

16 lines
Erin Hannon
Are you okay?
Broccoli Rob
(on screen) He’s still mad.
Andy Bernard
Shut up, Broccoli.
Broccoli Rob
Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc’s of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number.
Andy Bernard
You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man’s signature solo is his for life, okay? That’s group policy and you know it.
Broccoli Rob
Look, it’s not my fault that I still live near campus, and it’s my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week.
Andy Bernard
Just don’t do the song anymore.
Broccoli Rob
I tell you what, we’ll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I’ll do the same, and I’m so confident that I’ll win, I won’t even warm up.
Andy Bernard
Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes.
Broccoli Rob
My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don’t you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?
Andy Bernard
I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!
Broccoli Rob
He said, and I quote, ‘Hey Rob, nice pipes’. That happened!
Andy Bernard
OK, fine, yeah. that’s one guy’s opinion!
Broccoli Rob
That's real. 'That’ll never change!
Erin Hannon
Okay!
Andy Bernard
Doesn’t mean you’re the best singer ever. Dick.

Scene 35

11 lines
Jim Halpert
I thought that concert was pretty great.
Kevin Malone
Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome.
Angela Martin
They lost me when they sang ‘Monster Mash’. That song obviously glorifies the occult.
Jim Halpert
Angela, it’s Halloween. You have to sing ‘Monster Mash’.
Pam Beesly
Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?
Jim Halpert
Uh...
Pam Beesly
No I’m just, I’m saying, what would happen if they didn’t sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?
Jim Halpert
Okay. We’ll, just forget it.
Pam Beesly
No! No, I’m interested. I mean I think everybody’s interested in why they have to sing it.
Jim Halpert
Because it is Halloween. So if you’re going to sing a concert, it’s a good idea to throw that one in.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, yeah, no, no. It’s a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can’t do if you just keep singing ‘Monster Mash.’

Scene 36

1 line
Kevin Malone
It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates ‘Monster Mash.’ I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid!

Scene 37

14 lines
Andy Bernard
This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?
Erin Hannon
(laughing) Yeah.
Andy Bernard
I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?
Erin Hannon
Oh well, Andy, we’re not moving to Cornell.
Andy Bernard
Duh. I know. That would be insane.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
It could totally work though. I don’t know why we wouldn’t. Oh my god are we doing this?
Erin Hannon
Oy. Andy, what’s going on?
Andy Bernard
If I am not Boner Champ, I don’t know who I am.
Erin Hannon
Well, um, you know maybe you’re the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just--
Andy Bernard
Make a donation.
Erin Hannon
Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor.
Andy Bernard
Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.
Erin Hannon
Oh.

Scene 38

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) I want some of those pills.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, well good for you. I mean, you’ll need a prescription.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They’re not for me. They’re for my cousin Mose. He’s just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose.
Nellie Bertram
Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he’s a good man and that I hope he feels better.
Dwight Schrute
Which one? Mose or the real Mose?
Nellie Bertram
The real Mose.
Dwight Schrute
He says Thank you.

Scene 39

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(on phone) Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. (pause) What?
Erin Hannon
What’s wrong?
Andy Bernard
My parents are broke.