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Season 9 Episode 5
Here Comes Treble

Every line from The Office episode "Here Comes Treble", season 9 episode 5.

Dwight Schrute: This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
Erin Hannon: (screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: (screaming then laughing) It may have been the costliest decision I’ve ever made.
Dwight Schrute: My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...
Jim Halpert: It won’t budge.
Dwight Schrute: I can’t get it out. Try again!
Dwight Schrute: I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...
Dwight Schrute: (as Jim approaches with a knife) Jim, no. No. No! No!
Dwight Schrute: But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
Dwight Schrute: At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
Erin Hannon: Hey guys.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Erin Hannon: Pam, what are you?
Pam Beesly: I am Dr. Cinderella.
Jim Halpert: Cece’s really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models.
Pam Beesly: I’m an oncologist and you are a dog.
Erin Hannon: No, I’m a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen.
Jim Halpert: It’s Okay.
Erin Hannon: Uh, Jim, you’re not dressed up at all.
Jim Halpert: Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. (to Pam, under his breath) Can I have your sunglasses?
Erin Hannon: Jim, come on. I thought we were past this.
Pam Beesly: So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?
Jim Halpert: There’s a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume.
Pam Beesly: Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Jim Halpert: Gettin’ a lot of mileage out of this, aren’t ya?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.
Andy Bernard: A jitterbug. (giggles) You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?
Angela Martin: The senator will be joining us later.
Andy Bernard: Not a question.
Angela Martin: No, it wasn’t.
Andy Bernard: Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.
HCT: (singing)
Andy Bernard: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
HCT: (sings Karma Chameleon)
Andy Bernard: Aaah! (everyone clapping) So good!
Dwight Schrute: What lab did these little clones escape from?
Andy Bernard: My Cornell a capella group.
Pam Beesly: You were in an a capella group?
Darryl Philbin: You went to Cornell?
Andy Bernard: Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.
Stanley Hudson: Ugh. I don’t want to sit through a whole concert of that.
Clark Green: I do. I love the boss’s interests.
Andy Bernard: Atta boy Clark!
Meredith Palmer: Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?
Andy Bernard: No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.
Andy Bernard: You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael’s Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I’m so not prepared.
Jim Halpert: Are you sure you’re okay with me putting in this much money.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I mean, listen if we’re gonna do this thing, we should do it right.
Jim Halpert: You’re the best.
Pam Beesly: I kind of am. It’s crazy.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I’ll see you in a little bit.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Jim. Look I’m eating you.
Jim Halpert: Shut up.
Dwight Schrute: Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I’m eating Jims.
Erin Hannon: (laughs)
Dwight Schrute: (laughing) Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.
Erin Hannon: (laughing hysterically) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight Schrute: Oh no, I’m spilling Jim all over the carpet. (laughing)
Erin Hannon: Stop it stop it stop it stop it!
Dwight Schrute: (picking up spilled candy) Hello little pill. What do you do?
Dwight Schrute: Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There’s a madman in our midst.
Pam Beesly: Okay I give up. What are you?
Nellie Bertram: I’m sexy Toby.
Pam Beesly: (laughing) Gross. I love it.
Dwight Schrute: Dumatril!
Nellie Bertram: Something wrong Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Dumatril.
Nellie Bertram: Yes?
Dwight Schrute: This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it’s not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It’s not for any disorder of the body. (whispering) It’s for a disorder of the mind.
Nellie Bertram: The mind is part of the body.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... (whispering) They are now off their meds.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, our co-workers’ health issues are really none of our business so-
Dwight Schrute: Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What’s going on Nellie? Talk to me.
Nellie Bertram: Hm?
Nellie Bertram: It’s my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I’m not ashamed of that, But I’m not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.
Nellie Bertram: Yeah, you’re right. This man needs to be apprehended.
Dwight Schrute: I’ll get my apprehension kit.
Andy Bernard: Ruh duh duh da dudes! What’s up?
HCT: (mumbled responses)
Andy Bernard: I know that it’s pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that’s when I became somebody. When I got the nickname "Boner Champ," that is when I became me.
Andy Bernard: You didn’t come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now’s your chance! I’m here. You got Qs; I got As.
HCT Member #1: Did you say you’ve got AIDS?
Andy Bernard: No, I don’t have AIDS. That’s not what I said. Next question.
Andy Bernard: You don’t have any-- Any questions about the old days? (clears throat) You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
HCT Member #2: I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Andy Bernard: I’m sorry, what?
HCT Member #2: I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Andy Bernard: Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
Pete Miller: I didn’t realize that everybody here dresses up every year.
Creed Bratton: Me neither.
Creed Bratton: It’s Halloween. That is really, really good timing.
Andy Bernard: I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you’re Boner Champ.
Broccoli Rob: (on computer monitor) I’m so sorry! I don’t know how that could have happened.
Andy Bernard: Did you maybe tell them that or...?
Broccoli Rob: I just-- I just started yappin’ about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky.
Andy Bernard: Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it’s really stupid, but it’s also really, really, really important.
Broccoli Rob: Will do. I love you, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Love you too.
Businessman #1: So the workspace looks awesome.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Businessman #2: And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can’t wait to see them.
Businessman #3: You guys rock. (round of fistbumps)
Businessman #1: I killed it.
Businessman #2: I’ve also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we’re looking great for a full year on this.
Jim Halpert: Oh, uh, is it too late to get in?
Businessman #3: Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you’re all set.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we’d really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor.
Businessman #2: Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about?
Jim Halpert: We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - (blows air) - all in.
Businessman #3: Welcome aboard!
Jim Halpert: All right. (laughs) Awesome. Cool.
Dwight Schrute: Hi Daryl. I’m just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
Nellie Bertram: You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.
Dwight Schrute: That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?
Darryl Philbin: I can’t really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks.
Dwight Schrute: So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?
Darryl Philbin: Get under your chin first. Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Is that where the nanobots like to come in?
Darryl Philbin: Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Is that how they like to get in?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, that’s crazy.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Andy Bernard: Yo! Bad boys of a capella.
HCT: (mumbling) Hey.
Andy Bernard: Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?
HCT Member #3: Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ.
Andy Bernard: Did he tell you how I got the name?
HCT Member #3: No.
Andy Bernard: Spring sing ‘95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way.
Angela Martin: And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator?
Oscar Martinez: Senator Lipton, nice to see you.
The Senator: Nice to see you Oscar.
Angela Martin: Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem!
The Senator: So Oscar, you’re a dinosaur.
Oscar Martinez: Actually I’m the electoral college.
The Senator: Ouch! Right on target.
Angela Martin: You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis!
The Senator: God, it’s just so good to see you.
Oscar Martinez: I, uh, huh, just (chuckles nervously)
The Senator: All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch?
Andy Bernard: They didn’t know about the snowman story, and when I told ‘em, they were not impressed.
Erin Hannon: What is with these turkeys?
Andy Bernard: Right?
Erin Hannon: Hey! You better do ‘Faith.’ You get me?
HCT Member #3: We don’t know it.
Erin Hannon: So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you’re like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin’ song.
HCT Member #3: Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but--
Erin Hannon: Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. (to Pete) This isn’t stupid.
Pete Miller: What?
Toby Flenderson: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Hey.
Nellie Bertram: Hey Toby.
Toby Flenderson: Are... are you me?
Nellie Bertram: Yes.
Toby Flenderson: Oh my goodness, look. Look at this.
Nellie Bertram: Yeah. I...
Toby Flenderson: (unintelligible mumbling)
Nellie Bertram: Yes. I thought I’d you know, be you.
Toby Flenderson: Look at.. Look at me. (laughs)
Nellie Bertram: (laughing) It’s funny right? (Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away)
Dwight Schrute: All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill.
Nellie Bertram: Okay, look Dwight, let’s just call this thing off. I mean, it’s just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety.
Dwight Schrute: You think I don’t have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I’ve got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne’er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don’t need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Meredith Palmer: Cool. Free upper.
Dwight Schrute: Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!
Meredith Palmer: Don’t dog catch me!
Dwight Schrute: Gotcha! Yeah! Let’s see ya get out of this web, huh?
Meredith Palmer: Let me out!
Nellie Bertram: The pill is mine.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Nellie Bertram: Get her out.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Meredith Palmer: Stop baggin’ my head!
Nellie Bertram: Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It’s for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too.
Pam Beesly: Hey, how’d it go?
Jim Halpert: Oh man, it was great. They were great.
Pam Beesly: Did you end up investing?
Jim Halpert: I did, yeah.
Pam Beesly: How much?
Jim Halpert: Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten...
Pam Beesly: About ten?
Jim Halpert: Ten. It was the full ten.
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Yeah. It’s a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to...
Pam Beesly: No yeah. Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: So did everybody ...
Jim Halpert: What is it?
Pam Beesly: Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?
Jim Halpert: Um, oh man, I don’t actually know.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: They weren’t really talking that much about money. They just said, We’re good with investing and then I...and I...
Andy Bernard: Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
HCT: (vocalizing)
Pam Beesly: They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?
Jim Halpert: No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam.
Pam Beesly: So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?
Jim Halpert: You weren’t there.
HCT: (singing ‘I’ll Be’)
Jim Halpert: It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later.
HCT: (singing ‘I’ll Be’ directly to Pam)
Pam Beesly: Talk about it now.
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Jim, that was most of our savings.
HCT: (still singing)
Clark Green: Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where’s the band? ‘Cause there’s just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.
Creed Bratton: Yeah. That's what she said.
Clark Green: What, am I overdoing it? No. No.
HCT: (singing)
Pam Beesly: We said some. We said ‘some.’
Jim Halpert: We’ll talk about it later.
HCT: (singing)
Pam Beesly: We said part not all.
HCT: (singing ‘Car Wash’)
Clark Green: Yes! All right!
Andy Bernard: Oh Man! (clapping)
Clark Green: That’s how you do that! Whoo!
HCT: Thank you.
Stanley Hudson: Show some pride. This is crap.
Dwight Schrute: I agree. Yes, crap. Continue.
HCT Member #3: Now folks, by special request, we’re going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room.
Darryl Philbin: Who?
HCT Member #3: It’s Mr. Andy Bernard!
Everyone: (clapping)
HCT: (singing ‘Faith’)
Andy Bernard: No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...
HCT Member #3: He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here’s an old Treble classic.
HCT: (singing ‘Faith’)
Broccoli Rob: (on flat screen tv) (singing lead of Faith)
Andy Bernard: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?
HCT Member #3: She said you wanted to hear ‘Faith’. That’s Broccoli Rob’s signature song.
Andy Bernard: That’s my signature song.
HCT Member #3: I really didn’t know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it.
Andy Bernard: Russell, I’m dressed like George Michael.
HCT Member #3: I thought you were Adam Lambert.
Andy Bernard: Wha...?
Erin Hannon: The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it’s kind of pathetic. But when you’re with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.
Erin Hannon: Are you okay?
Broccoli Rob: (on screen) He’s still mad.
Andy Bernard: Shut up, Broccoli.
Broccoli Rob: Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc’s of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number.
Andy Bernard: You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man’s signature solo is his for life, okay? That’s group policy and you know it.
Broccoli Rob: Look, it’s not my fault that I still live near campus, and it’s my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week.
Andy Bernard: Just don’t do the song anymore.
Broccoli Rob: I tell you what, we’ll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I’ll do the same, and I’m so confident that I’ll win, I won’t even warm up.
Andy Bernard: Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes.
Broccoli Rob: My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don’t you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?
Andy Bernard: I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!
Broccoli Rob: He said, and I quote, ‘Hey Rob, nice pipes’. That happened!
Andy Bernard: OK, fine, yeah. that’s one guy’s opinion!
Broccoli Rob: That's real. 'That’ll never change!
Erin Hannon: Okay!
Andy Bernard: Doesn’t mean you’re the best singer ever. Dick.
Jim Halpert: I thought that concert was pretty great.
Kevin Malone: Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome.
Angela Martin: They lost me when they sang ‘Monster Mash’. That song obviously glorifies the occult.
Jim Halpert: Angela, it’s Halloween. You have to sing ‘Monster Mash’.
Pam Beesly: Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?
Jim Halpert: Uh...
Pam Beesly: No I’m just, I’m saying, what would happen if they didn’t sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?
Jim Halpert: Okay. We’ll, just forget it.
Pam Beesly: No! No, I’m interested. I mean I think everybody’s interested in why they have to sing it.
Jim Halpert: Because it is Halloween. So if you’re going to sing a concert, it’s a good idea to throw that one in.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, yeah, no, no. It’s a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can’t do if you just keep singing ‘Monster Mash.’
Kevin Malone: It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates ‘Monster Mash.’ I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid!
Andy Bernard: This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?
Erin Hannon: (laughing) Yeah.
Andy Bernard: I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?
Erin Hannon: Oh well, Andy, we’re not moving to Cornell.
Andy Bernard: Duh. I know. That would be insane.
Erin Hannon: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: It could totally work though. I don’t know why we wouldn’t. Oh my god are we doing this?
Erin Hannon: Oy. Andy, what’s going on?
Andy Bernard: If I am not Boner Champ, I don’t know who I am.
Erin Hannon: Well, um, you know maybe you’re the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just--
Andy Bernard: Make a donation.
Erin Hannon: Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor.
Andy Bernard: Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.
Erin Hannon: Oh.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) I want some of those pills.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, well good for you. I mean, you’ll need a prescription.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They’re not for me. They’re for my cousin Mose. He’s just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose.
Nellie Bertram: Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he’s a good man and that I hope he feels better.
Dwight Schrute: Which one? Mose or the real Mose?
Nellie Bertram: The real Mose.
Dwight Schrute: He says Thank you.
Andy Bernard: (on phone) Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. (pause) What?
Erin Hannon: What’s wrong?
Andy Bernard: My parents are broke.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 9. Here Comes Treble is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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