Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Boat

Vol. 9 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

Every line from "The Boat" is right here for you to read. This page has the full script and all the best quotes from the episode where Andy finally becomes the captain of his own life—or at least his family’s old sailboat. You'll find the complete breakdown of Jim and Pam’s epic radio prank that leaves Dwight pantless in the break room while Kevin holds the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to keep Oscar’s secret from Angela.

Scene 01

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(to camera crew) Can you guys come with me for a minute?

Scene 02

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. (turns to see Kevin has overheard him)...Why?

Scene 03

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay?
White
Or we can hope for a holiday rally?
Andy Bernard
White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster.

Scene 04

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.
Jim Halpert
And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar.
Pam Beesly
The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so..
Jim Halpert
Competent.
Pam Beesly
Right?

Scene 05

1 line
Andy Bernard
Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, (bleep) him.

Scene 06

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok?
Kevin Malone
That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.
Oscar Martinez
Can you do this, Kevin?
Kevin Malone
I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that.
Oscar Martinez
I don't know what that means. Hey, hey-

Scene 07

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(On phone) Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. (hangs up) Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?
Creed Bratton
Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show.
Pam Beesly
Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? (Dwight raises hand)
Dwight Schrute
I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? (Pretends to be on phone) “Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.” It's that easy.

Scene 09

6 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. He's in rehab actually.
Meredith Palmer
Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
Andy Bernard
No, it's in New Mexico.
Meredith Palmer
Oh...So..- how are you holding up?
Andy Bernard
We're done Meredith.

Scene 10

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(wagging tongue for voice exercises) blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...(Group protests)
Jim Halpert
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim Halpert
No, you chose yourself.
Dwight Schrute
(walking away) Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

Scene 11

19 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.
Darryl Philbin
Sounds great.
Oscar Martinez
Perfect.
Andy Bernard
Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. (Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier)
Kevin Malone
What happened?
Angela Martin
Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. (Kevin laughs)
Kevin Malone
Yeah, I think this day could get worse.
Angela Martin
What does that mean?
Oscar Martinez
Kevin!
Kevin Malone
(to Angela) I don't know what you're talking about. (Thumbs up Oscar)
Erin Hannon
She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.
Andy Bernard
Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut?
Darryl Philbin
If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months.
Andy Bernard
Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born.
Erin Hannon
Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?
Darryl Philbin
I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
Erin Hannon
See? I bet you wouldn’t sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl?
Darryl Philbin
I would if I owned it and I went broke.
Andy Bernard
Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? (chokes up) Excuse me.

Scene 13

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(On phone) Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so...
Nellie Bertram
Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple.
Pam Beesly
He's gonna be disappointed.
Jim Halpert
Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen.

Scene 14

5 lines
Pete Miller
Fax?
Erin Hannon
Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. (laughs) He's seriously juvenile.
Pete Miller
Cool. He's like 40 though, right?
Erin Hannon
Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops.
Pete Miller
Awesome. Have fun.

Scene 15

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- (phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up) This is Dwight Shrute.
Pam Beesly
(on other end in conference room) Please hold for Ms. Black.
Nellie Bertram
(Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard) And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute.
Dwight Schrute
Iris, thank you so much for having me.

Scene 16

4 lines
Erin Hannon
(muffled by watermelon teeth) Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. (laughs)
Andy Bernard
Uh, did you need something?
Erin Hannon
Oh, I just need your signature on this.
Andy Bernard
Ok. (signs paper) thanks.

Scene 17

5 lines
Angela Martin
Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more?
Kevin Malone
I... did not.
Angela Martin
I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore.
Kevin Malone
(laughing in Oscar's direction) Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! (Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up) I have to go to the bathroom!
Angela Martin
That doesn't surprise me.

Scene 18

1 line
Oscar Martinez
That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.

Scene 19

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(In staff meeting) See these forms...
Kevin Malone
I have to go to the bathroom! (runs out)

Scene 20

1 line
Kevin Malone
(running from elevator) I have to go to the bathroom!

Scene 21

1 line
Kevin Malone
(Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car)

Scene 22

17 lines
Erin Hannon
Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend?
Andy Bernard
Look, it's not that I don't want-
Erin Hannon
Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect.
Andy Bernard
All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said “You can't be a skipper until you're a man.” You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance.
Erin Hannon
Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?
Andy Bernard
Tonight.
Erin Hannon
Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail.
Andy Bernard
Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now.
Erin Hannon
Ok, well then let's leave like right now.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, ok.
Erin Hannon
Yeah! OK! Let's go.
Andy Bernard
Seriously?
Erin Hannon
Of course, seriously. Get your coat on.
Andy Bernard
Alright.
Erin Hannon
Alright.
Andy Bernard
Let's do it.
Erin Hannon
Let's do it!

Scene 23

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
(On speakerphone) Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.
Nellie Bertram
(As Iris) So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?
Dwight Schrute
Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.
Nellie Bertram
Uh, excuse me. (reading card held up by Jim) I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?
Dwight Schrute
Yes..?
Nellie Bertram
(Jim mimes taking shirt off) I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.
Dwight Schrute
(Takes shirt off) Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. (Jim holds up card that says “Now Pants”) Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.
Dwight Schrute
That's impossible.
Nellie Bertram
Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?

Scene 24

8 lines
Angela Martin
The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.
Oscar Martinez
That's a tough one.
Angela Martin
That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.
Kevin Malone
Please, stop.
Angela Martin
What?
Kevin Malone
Please, stop.
Angela Martin
Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. (Kevin laughs)
Kevin Malone
(Getting up to leave) I can't, it's too much! (laughing)

Scene 25

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I'm in big trouble.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.

Scene 27

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(pantless) OK, how is my voice now?
Nellie Bertram
I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?
Dwight Schrute
(holding hand over phone) This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.

Scene 28

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
(looking at folder he brought Toby)It's clearly not an accounting mistake.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
So...
Toby Flenderson
Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation.
Oscar Martinez
Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Scene 29

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! (Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room) I dare you to produce one credible source about this.
Nellie Bertram
Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick (points to Pam)
Pam Beesly
(changing voice) Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure.
Nellie Bertram
Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?
Pam Beesly
No the paper's not toxic.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you Sandra!
Pam Beesly
Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!
Dwight Schrute
Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! (Jim runs panicked into break room)
Jim Halpert
What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!
Dwight Schrute
Get out of here moron! (Jim leaves)
Nellie Bertram
Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?
Dwight Schrute
uhhhh....no one.
Nellie Bertram
Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?
Dwight Schrute
No, everything's fine.
Nellie Bertram
Are you insulting my guests?
Dwight Schrute
(chokes up)

Scene 30

3 lines
Kevin Malone
(on phone) Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion?
Oscar Martinez
I hope that's it, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.

Scene 31

8 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about-
Kevin Malone
Hi.
Oscar Martinez
Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just..
Kevin Malone
Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. (gives Kevin money)
Kevin Malone
Oh that is nice. Classy move. (leaves)
Dwight Schrute
(yelling in break room) That's what I'm saying! No of course not!
Kevin Malone
What are you doing?

Scene 32

12 lines
Oscar Martinez
Those figures I gave you? They're false.
Toby Flenderson
How?
Oscar Martinez
I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively.
Toby Flenderson
So you set him up.
Oscar Martinez
Yes, he's innocent.
Toby Flenderson
I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible.
Oscar Martinez
What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Toby Flenderson
A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler..
Oscar Martinez
Sure.
Toby Flenderson
I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.
Oscar Martinez
That's gotta be tough.
Toby Flenderson
Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.

Scene 33

2 lines
Nellie Bertram
The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?
Dwight Schrute
My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!

Scene 34

5 lines
Erin Hannon
That's yours?
Andy Bernard
That's the family boat!
Erin Hannon
Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous!
Andy Bernard
Right?
Erin Hannon
I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America.

Scene 35

26 lines
Boat Guy
Move.
Andy Bernard
Sorry?
Boat Guy
Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way.
Andy Bernard
Sure, I um..I didn't know.
Boat Guy
I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.
Andy Bernard
Ok.
Erin Hannon
Gee, he was salty.
Andy Bernard
Geez, a little bit. (to boat) How you doing old buddy? Missed you.
Erin Hannon
What does that one do?
Andy Bernard
It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.
Erin Hannon
I wish I had seen you do it.
Andy Bernard
Really?
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
(Begins raising sail) Up she goes!
Boat Guy
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Andy Bernard
Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me.
Boat Guy
Nope. Can't do that.
Andy Bernard
You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. (begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand)
Boat Guy
We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us.
Andy Bernard
You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- (Raises sail, guys slaps hand again) wow.
Boat Guy
I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch.
Andy Bernard
Ok, fine.
Boat Guy
OK.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, fine.
Boat Guy
Good stuff.
Andy Bernard
Good stuff. Nice stuff. (begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again) (bleep) Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah.

Scene 36

17 lines
Erin Hannon
Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat.
Andy Bernard
I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.
Erin Hannon
Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man.
Andy Bernard
Fine. But I could have.
Erin Hannon
As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain.
Andy Bernard
I am the captain.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Right?
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
I'm the captain. (to boat guy) Hey, charm school.
Boat Guy
What?
Andy Bernard
I'm taking it over from here.
Erin Hannon
Nice!
Boat Guy
I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there.
Boat Guy
OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit.
Andy Bernard
Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?

Scene 37

6 lines
Nellie Bertram
For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson (points to Jim).
Jim Halpert
(using black voice) Good afternoon! (Darryl smacks his arm)
Dwight Schrute
Please sir! Spare him. Please.
Jim Halpert
Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!
Dwight Schrute
Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace.

Scene 38

8 lines
Erin Hannon
Do you even know what you're doing?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. (Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside) Walt?
Walt Jr.
Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday.
Andy Bernard
I thought you were in rehab.
Walt Jr.
Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here?
Andy Bernard
I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.
Erin Hannon
Bahamas, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Same thing. (To Walt) Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on.

Scene 39

13 lines
David Wallace
(On phone) Hello?
Dwight Schrute
David, is that you?
David Wallace
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?
David Wallace
Yeah? Are you ok?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.
David Wallace
Well, thanks Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?
David Wallace
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Walk out of the house...
David Wallace
What?
Dwight Schrute
...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
David Wallace
Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go.

Scene 40

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(enters main office, group claps) Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?
Everyone
Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!
Dwight Schrute
(joins in) Shrute! Shrute!

Scene 41

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.

Scene 42

14 lines
Kevin Malone
Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information.
Oscar Martinez
Well, I am sorry Kevin.
Angela Martin
Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?
Kevin Malone
You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. (Senator enters)
Angela Martin
Honey! What are you doing here?
The Senator
I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? (touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly)
Oscar Martinez
No.
Angela Martin
Oscar? What is going on? What was that?
The Senator
What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly.
Oscar Martinez
You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who-
Kevin Malone
Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. (claps, group joins)
The Senator
Well, thanks everybody.
Kevin Malone
It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Oscar Martinez
U..s..a. U-

Scene 43

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control.

Scene 44

1 line
Kevin Malone
I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. (laughs) Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. (laughing still) Her life is a complete sham!

Scene 45

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever!
Erin Hannon
(Standing on dock) Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend.
Andy Bernard
(pulling away from dock) Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy!

Scene 46

1 line
Erin Hannon
Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic.

Scene 47

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(waving from boat) I'll see you in three weeks!
Erin Hannon
OK!
Walt Jr.
Hey bro! It was here all along. (holding guitar)
Andy Bernard
No way!
Walt Jr.
Way!
Andy Bernard
Erin I gotta go!(Walt begins playing) Them's my chords!

Scene 48

13 lines
Pete Miller
Hey. She's back.
Erin Hannon
Thanks for covering the phones.
Pete Miller
Yeah, no problem. How was it?
Erin Hannon
Fine.
Pete Miller
Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper.
Erin Hannon
Does he have a flipper?
Pete Miller
Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.
Erin Hannon
He sounds like an idiot.
Pete Miller
Yeah, he is.
Erin Hannon
Ok.
Pete Miller
Ok.
Erin Hannon
Thanks.
Pete Miller
Yeah.