Every line from The Office episode "The Boat", season 9 episode 6.
Andy Bernard: Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay?
White: Or we can hope for a holiday rally?
Andy Bernard: White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster.
Pam Beesly: Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.
Jim Halpert: And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar.
Pam Beesly: The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so..
Andy Bernard: Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, (bleep) him.
Oscar Martinez: Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok?
Kevin Malone: That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.
Oscar Martinez: Can you do this, Kevin?
Kevin Malone: I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that.
Oscar Martinez: I don't know what that means. Hey, hey-
Pam Beesly: (On phone) Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. (hangs up) Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?
Creed Bratton: Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show.
Pam Beesly: Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? (Dwight raises hand)
Dwight Schrute: I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. He's in rehab actually.
Meredith Palmer: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
Andy Bernard: No, it's in New Mexico.
Meredith Palmer: Oh...So..- how are you holding up?
Andy Bernard: We're done Meredith.
Dwight Schrute: (wagging tongue for voice exercises) blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...(Group protests)
Dwight Schrute: ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim Halpert: No, you chose yourself.
Dwight Schrute: (walking away) Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....
Andy Bernard: Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.
Darryl Philbin: Sounds great.
Andy Bernard: Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. (Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier)
Kevin Malone: What happened?
Angela Martin: Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. (Kevin laughs)
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I think this day could get worse.
Angela Martin: What does that mean?
Kevin Malone: (to Angela) I don't know what you're talking about. (Thumbs up Oscar)
Erin Hannon: She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.
Andy Bernard: Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut?
Darryl Philbin: If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months.
Andy Bernard: Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born.
Erin Hannon: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?
Darryl Philbin: I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
Erin Hannon: See? I bet you wouldn’t sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl?
Darryl Philbin: I would if I owned it and I went broke.
Andy Bernard: Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.
Pam Beesly: (On phone) Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so...
Nellie Bertram: Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple.
Pam Beesly: He's gonna be disappointed.
Jim Halpert: Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen.
Erin Hannon: Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. (laughs) He's seriously juvenile.
Pete Miller: Cool. He's like 40 though, right?
Erin Hannon: Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops.
Pete Miller: Awesome. Have fun.
Dwight Schrute: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- (phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up) This is Dwight Shrute.
Pam Beesly: (on other end in conference room) Please hold for Ms. Black.
Nellie Bertram: (Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard) And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute.
Dwight Schrute: Iris, thank you so much for having me.
Erin Hannon: (muffled by watermelon teeth) Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. (laughs)
Andy Bernard: Uh, did you need something?
Erin Hannon: Oh, I just need your signature on this.
Andy Bernard: Ok. (signs paper) thanks.
Angela Martin: Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more?
Kevin Malone: I... did not.
Angela Martin: I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore.
Kevin Malone: (laughing in Oscar's direction) Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! (Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up) I have to go to the bathroom!
Angela Martin: That doesn't surprise me.
Erin Hannon: Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend?
Andy Bernard: Look, it's not that I don't want-
Erin Hannon: Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect.
Andy Bernard: All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said “You can't be a skipper until you're a man.” You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance.
Erin Hannon: Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?
Erin Hannon: Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail.
Andy Bernard: Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now.
Erin Hannon: Ok, well then let's leave like right now.
Erin Hannon: Yeah! OK! Let's go.
Erin Hannon: Of course, seriously. Get your coat on.
Andy Bernard: Let's do it.
Erin Hannon: Let's do it!
Dwight Schrute: (On speakerphone) Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.
Nellie Bertram: (As Iris) So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?
Dwight Schrute: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.
Nellie Bertram: Uh, excuse me. (reading card held up by Jim) I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?
Nellie Bertram: (Jim mimes taking shirt off) I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.
Dwight Schrute: (Takes shirt off) Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. (Jim holds up card that says “Now Pants”) Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.
Dwight Schrute: That's impossible.
Nellie Bertram: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?
Angela Martin: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.
Oscar Martinez: That's a tough one.
Angela Martin: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.
Kevin Malone: Please, stop.
Kevin Malone: Please, stop.
Angela Martin: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. (Kevin laughs)
Kevin Malone: (Getting up to leave) I can't, it's too much! (laughing)
Dwight Schrute: (pantless) OK, how is my voice now?
Nellie Bertram: I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?
Dwight Schrute: (holding hand over phone) This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.
Dwight Schrute: This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! (Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room) I dare you to produce one credible source about this.
Nellie Bertram: Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick (points to Pam)
Pam Beesly: (changing voice) Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure.
Nellie Bertram: Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?
Pam Beesly: No the paper's not toxic.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Sandra!
Pam Beesly: Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!
Dwight Schrute: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! (Jim runs panicked into break room)
Jim Halpert: What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!
Dwight Schrute: Get out of here moron! (Jim leaves)
Nellie Bertram: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?
Dwight Schrute: uhhhh....no one.
Nellie Bertram: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?
Dwight Schrute: No, everything's fine.
Nellie Bertram: Are you insulting my guests?
Dwight Schrute: (chokes up)
Kevin Malone: (on phone) Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion?
Oscar Martinez: I hope that's it, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.
Toby Flenderson: Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about-
Oscar Martinez: Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just..
Kevin Malone: Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. (gives Kevin money)
Kevin Malone: Oh that is nice. Classy move. (leaves)
Dwight Schrute: (yelling in break room) That's what I'm saying! No of course not!
Kevin Malone: What are you doing?
Oscar Martinez: Those figures I gave you? They're false.
Oscar Martinez: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively.
Toby Flenderson: So you set him up.
Oscar Martinez: Yes, he's innocent.
Toby Flenderson: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible.
Oscar Martinez: What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Toby Flenderson: A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler..
Toby Flenderson: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.
Oscar Martinez: That's gotta be tough.
Toby Flenderson: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.
Nellie Bertram: The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?
Dwight Schrute: My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!
Erin Hannon: That's yours?
Andy Bernard: That's the family boat!
Erin Hannon: Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous!
Erin Hannon: I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America.
Boat Guy: Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way.
Andy Bernard: Sure, I um..I didn't know.
Boat Guy: I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.
Erin Hannon: Gee, he was salty.
Andy Bernard: Geez, a little bit. (to boat) How you doing old buddy? Missed you.
Erin Hannon: What does that one do?
Andy Bernard: It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.
Erin Hannon: I wish I had seen you do it.
Andy Bernard: (Begins raising sail) Up she goes!
Boat Guy: Don't do that. Don't do that.
Andy Bernard: Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me.
Boat Guy: Nope. Can't do that.
Andy Bernard: You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. (begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand)
Boat Guy: We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us.
Andy Bernard: You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- (Raises sail, guys slaps hand again) wow.
Boat Guy: I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, fine.
Andy Bernard: Good stuff. Nice stuff. (begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again) (bleep) Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah.
Erin Hannon: Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat.
Andy Bernard: I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.
Erin Hannon: Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man.
Andy Bernard: Fine. But I could have.
Erin Hannon: As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain.
Andy Bernard: I am the captain.
Andy Bernard: I'm the captain. (to boat guy) Hey, charm school.
Andy Bernard: I'm taking it over from here.
Boat Guy: I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there.
Boat Guy: OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit.
Andy Bernard: Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?
Nellie Bertram: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson (points to Jim).
Jim Halpert: (using black voice) Good afternoon! (Darryl smacks his arm)
Dwight Schrute: Please sir! Spare him. Please.
Jim Halpert: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!
Dwight Schrute: Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace.
Erin Hannon: Do you even know what you're doing?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. (Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside) Walt?
Walt Jr.: Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday.
Andy Bernard: I thought you were in rehab.
Walt Jr.: Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here?
Andy Bernard: I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.
Erin Hannon: Bahamas, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Same thing. (To Walt) Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on.
David Wallace: (On phone) Hello?
Dwight Schrute: David, is that you?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?
David Wallace: Yeah? Are you ok?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.
David Wallace: Well, thanks Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?
Dwight Schrute: Walk out of the house...
Dwight Schrute: ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
David Wallace: Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go.
Kevin Malone: Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information.
Oscar Martinez: Well, I am sorry Kevin.
Angela Martin: Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?
Kevin Malone: You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. (Senator enters)
Angela Martin: Honey! What are you doing here?
The Senator: I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? (touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly)
Angela Martin: Oscar? What is going on? What was that?
The Senator: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly.
Oscar Martinez: You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who-
Kevin Malone: Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. (claps, group joins)
The Senator: Well, thanks everybody.
Kevin Malone: It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Oscar Martinez: U..s..a. U-
Andy Bernard: Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever!
Erin Hannon: (Standing on dock) Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend.
Andy Bernard: (pulling away from dock) Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy!
Pete Miller: Hey. She's back.
Erin Hannon: Thanks for covering the phones.
Pete Miller: Yeah, no problem. How was it?
Pete Miller: Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper.
Erin Hannon: Does he have a flipper?
Pete Miller: Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.
Erin Hannon: He sounds like an idiot.
Pete Miller: Yeah, he is.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 9. The Boat is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.