Every line from The Office episode "The Whale", season 9 episode 7.
Andy Bernard: (on computer screen) Ah, what else? I’ve seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?
Andy Bernard: That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
Phyllis Vance: Don’t you have any sunblock?
Andy Bernard: No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They’re like two flaming meatballs in my skull.
Andy Bernard: (on computer) Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That’s what I call the sun now.
Darryl Philbin: Andy, it’s Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.
Andy Bernard: What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!
Erin Hannon: Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, it was. That’s okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!
Andy Bernard: Ah! That’s not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? (laughs crazily)
Andy Bernard: (on computer) I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.
Erin Hannon: (laughing) Yeah.
Andy Bernard: No. No! Nooo! (computer falls into ocean)
Erin Hannon: Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh.
Dwight Schrute: (answering phone) Dwight Schrute. (turns on speakerphone) Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?
David Wallace: (on speakerphone) Well, I have some very exciting news.
Dwight Schrute: And you didn’t call Jim - that seems significant.
David Wallace: Jim, good! You should hear this too.
Dwight Schrute: No, he shouldn’t.
Jim Halpert: (taking away Dwight’s handset) Go ahead David, I’m listening.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don’t know where I’d put you.
David Wallace: Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They’ve apparently just dropped the supplier they’ve been with for the last ten years. .
Dwight Schrute: The White Pages.
David Wallace: Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you.
Dwight Schrute: I’m gonna need to put you on hold for a second. (presses hold button) Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where’s Stanley?
Erin Hannon: He’s in the bathroom.
Dwight Schrute: Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! Okay. (presses button again) Hey David, I’m back.
Erin Hannon: (from the kitchen) Eat it Stanley!
Dwight Schrute: So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?
David Wallace: No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It’s someone new but she didn’t catch her name.
Dwight Schrute: Her name?
Phyllis Vance: No, hey, Dwight shouldn’t...
Dwight Schrute: Shhh! (clears throat) Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!
David Wallace: Good luck!
Dwight Schrute: Good luck to you. (disconnects call)
Phyllis Vance: Dwight, you can’t go. You have a problem with women. You can’t sell to them.
Dwight Schrute: That is a damnable lie. I love women.
Phyllis Vance: Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her ‘gy-na’ for your entire meeting.
Nellie Bertram: Ew. That’s not good.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, she said she corrected him five times.
Dwight Schrute: ‘Gy-na’ said that?
Phyllis Vance: Guys, we can’t let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back.
Meredith Palmer: Hey remember that week in the 90’s when we got bagels?
Creed Bratton: I miss Clinton.
Pam Beesly: Can you go instead?
Jim Halpert: I can’t. I have the thing.
Angela Martin: Spring cleaning?
Oscar Martinez: More like fall cleaning. (chuckles)
Angela Martin: (whispering) I think the senator is having an affair.
Oscar Martinez: (dropping desk drawer) This doesn’t... I’m sorry. Wha... what?
Angela Martin: I think the senator is having an affair.
Angela Martin: When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, I’m sure ...that’s nothing.
Angela Martin: And he’s always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it’s Hot Yoga with Blake.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, Blake’s also a guy’s name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake?
Angela Martin: I don’t know.
Oscar Martinez: I just never heard about the senator and yoga...
Oscar Martinez: From you. I’m sure it’s probably nothing. But what’s with the yoga already?
Oscar Martinez: And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, I’ll go with you.
Phyllis Vance: So, uh, show us how you’d normally sell to a female client.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog.
Pam Beesly: You’ve got this Schrute.
Phyllis Vance: Okay, you just walked into her office and begin.
Dwight Schrute: May I please speak to your boss?
Phyllis Vance: No, she is the boss.
Erin Hannon: I am? Hmm.. (deep voice) Hi, I’m Mr. Hannon. How can I help you?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this isn’t working for me, ‘cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.
Erin Hannon: He’s absolutely right. I’m really struggling.
Pam Beesly: Oh, I’ll be the buyer.
Dwight Schrute: (sighing)
Pam Beesly: Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat.
Dwight Schrute: I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes
Phyllis Vance: No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs.
Dwight Schrute: I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I’m finished, it’s over.
Pam Beesly: Okay, let’s stop here. Anyone have any thoughts?
Dwight Schrute: I thought it went great.
Nellie Bertram: I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?
Business partner: (on phone) Okay lets get started.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I’m here. Are we all on?
Business partner: Uh,, well you’re the only one ‘on’ - we’re all here.
Jim Halpert: (nervous laughter) Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months...
Kevin Malone: That’s the winter season., three months.
Jim Halpert: I uh, I have some ideas, actually...
Business partner: Are you at your office right now?
Jim Halpert: (hushed voice) Uh yeah. Trust me, I’d rather be with you guys.
Business partner: (laughing) Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Oh, (clearing throat, deeper voice) Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh...
Business partner: Whoa. (laughing) I think there’s been a bit of a mistake. We’re trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman.
Jim Halpert: (laughing) Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell.
Business partner: Uh, yeah...
Jim Halpert: I’m gonna try a different spot. Okay?
Business partner: Okay, yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I’ll call you right back.
Kevin Malone: What’s happening in three months?
Pam Beesly: Okay, when you’re selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now?
Pam Beesly: Okay, well you have to show us.
Dwight Schrute: That’s impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don’t vibrate at all.
Pam Beesly: Huh. (nodding) Uh huh.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Pam Beesly: A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it?
Pam Beesly: Nellie, why don’t you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you’re listening.
Nellie Bertram: Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I’ve commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.
Erin Hannon: It’s just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person.
Dwight Schrute: I am a person.
Nellie Bertram: And then we thought we’d … I can’t. I just can’t carry on with that face. Look at it. I’m gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he’s laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.
Dwight Schrute: That’s a bit extreme.
Nellie Bertram: No, I’m sorry but that is true.
Meredith Palmer: He’s screwed. They’re meeting in less than an hour.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It’s all garbage okay? You’re the woman, I’m the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I’m a woman. (high voice) I’m a woman. Good?
Phyllis Vance: Ms. Thomas, so good to see you.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, are those your kids? They’re so cute! They could be models.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. I’m so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.
Meredith Palmer: Booo! Weird.
Phyllis Vance: Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It’s hopeless.
Pam Beesly: You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women.
Dwight Schrute: Look, I have no problem with women. It’s businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don’t lie about your shoulders!
Pam Beesly: Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience?
Dwight Schrute: I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Pam Beesly: Okay, so, when you’re selling to this woman, just imagine that she’s that nice, reasonable barber.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I can do that.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps.
Dwight Schrute: He used to fight dogs.
Pam Beesly: Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs?
Dwight Schrute: Little of this, little of that.
Angela Martin: Which one is the instructor? There all fatties.
Oscar Martinez: Angela! (whispering) Angela. There.
Oscar Martinez: (whispering) On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her.
Angela Martin: Oh my God! She’s so stunningly tiny! She’s like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they’re doing.
Oscar Martinez: She’s repositioning his hips for downward facing dog.
Angela Martin: (gasps) I’ve heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I’d like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let’s go.
Oscar Martinez: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Oscar Martinez: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look.
Jim Halpert: What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in --
Business partner: (on phone) It was in what? Jim, we’re having a lot of trouble hearing you.
Jim Halpert: The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...(car alarm blaring) was in the...
Hank Tate: Hey! Are those skateboarders back?
Business partner: (on phone) Jim? Jim, are you there?
Hank Tate: Where are they?
Jim Halpert: It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ...
Meredith Palmer: Who was messing with my van?
Business partner: (on phone) Jordan wore them for nobody? We’re not following you, Halpert.
Hank Tate: This ends now!
Secretary: Have a seat. Um, she will be right in.
Pam Beesly: Oh, great. Oh, I’m sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don’t have it.
Secretary: Uh... um she’ll be right in.
Dwight Schrute: (to himself) Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God. It’s Jan.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, dear God in heaven.
Pam Beesly: Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It’s so great to see you.
Jan Levinson: Where’s Wallace?
Jan Levinson: I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct?
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. (laughs)
Pam Beesly: Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead.
Jan Levinson: Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont.
Molly: Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing ‘cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them...
Jan Levinson: Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan.
Jan Levinson: I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Listening.
Pam Beesly: So this was all just a trick. You don’t really have any business to give?
Pam Beesly: But not to us.
Jan Levinson: Insightful, Pam.
Pam Beesly: You did good, Dwight. It’s okay. I mean, seriously, Jan’s not normal. Let’s just go. She’s not going to sell to us.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I’ll be right back.
Jan Levinson: I’m a very busy woman, so...
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid?
Jan Levinson: Fine. I will show you one... slide show.
Pete Miller: Erin, did this call...
Erin Hannon: Sorry, I uh, just saw your face.
Pete Miller: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s for the thing.
Erin Hannon: I know. That’s great. It just - it makes it look like there’s an eyebrow in the middle of your face.
Erin Hannon: A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn’t bad.
Erin Hannon: But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It’s such a great cause.
Jan Levinson: (audio from slide show, singing) Mommy, you’re a princess. Mommy, you’re a superstar. Mommy you’re the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es?
Pam Beesly: Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever.
Pam Beesly: And it is so cute how she signs her name.
Jan Levinson: (chuckles) Well, that -- that was -- that was me too.
Pam Beesly: Oh, okay. It’s just that’s how Cece does it with the backwards ‘E’s.
Jan Levinson: Cece can’t spell her name.
Pam Beesly: Oh, actually she can.
Jan Levinson: Well, it’s not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, “Cece” is two letters and “Astrid” is... I mean, there’s even some adults who -- who -- who can’t spell it.
Jan Levinson: Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Um... “A”... “X”? I don’t -- you got me.
Jan Levinson: Don’t patronize me.
Pam Beesly: (whispering) I’m so sorry. I hate this. You’re better.
Angela Martin: (whispering) Okay, we should go now. Let’s go.
Oscar Martinez: (stammering wildly) Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. (scoffs)
Angela Martin: Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can’t get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire --
Oscar Martinez: (whispering) Please. It’s Robert who’s enjoying it.
Oscar Martinez: This could be the affair that you’re scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. (pause) But uh, he’s probably not gay. He’s straight. He’s straight, so...
Pam Beesly: Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water?
Dwight Schrute: Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I’ve got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.
Clark Green: Where’s the Quizno’s?
Dwight Schrute: You’re the Quizno’s. (chuckles) Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn’t quite meeting your needs -- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?
Jan Levinson: I don’t recall. And yes, Molly is crap.
Pam Beesly: Okay, you do not have to do this.
Clark Green: Do what? Get into sales? That’s what I want.
Dwight Schrute: He’s been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.
Jan Levinson: Will you uh, (clicks tongue) you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business.
Dwight Schrute: Very good.
Jan Levinson: (to Clark) Do you have a valid passport?
Jim Halpert: Jim Halpert.
Colin: (on phone) Hey, it’s Colin.
Jim Halpert: Hey man. I am so sorry about that.
Colin: I know. Don’t worry about it.
Colin: It’s just... it’s not totally working.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing -- not ideal. But don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.
Colin: Yeah, well, it’s not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don’t know how we’re gonna do this.
Jim Halpert: Uh, what does -- what does that mean?
Angela Martin: Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay?
Oscar Martinez: I don’t know, Angela. I’m dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go.
Angela Martin: Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing?
Oscar Martinez: He’s making a phone call.
Angela Martin: (ducking under table with Oscar) Oh. Oh.
Oscar Martinez: (phone vibrates, rings)
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit.
Dwight Schrute: Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can’t be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL.
Pam Beesly: That’s a license number?
Dwight Schrute: That’s all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.
Dwight Schrute: Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It’s like air to you people. Ugh, God. (retching)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 9. The Whale is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.