Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Whale

Vol. 9 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

Dwight has to overcome his fear of "businesswomen" to land the White Pages account, only to find Jan Levinson waiting for him. You can follow along with every line from the episode, including the Movember mustache madness and the Senator's suspicious yoga habits. All the scripts and best quotes are right here if you need to double-check how Astrid's name is actually spelled.

Scene 01

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(on computer screen) Ah, what else? I’ve seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?
Everyone
Whoa!
Pam Beesly
Andy.
Andy Bernard
That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
Phyllis Vance
Don’t you have any sunblock?
Andy Bernard
No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They’re like two flaming meatballs in my skull.

Scene 02

1 line
Erin Hannon
Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family’s boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song -- No, woman. No cry.

Scene 03

7 lines
Andy Bernard
(on computer) Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That’s what I call the sun now.
Darryl Philbin
Andy, it’s Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.
Andy Bernard
What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!
Erin Hannon
Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, it was. That’s okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!
Everyone
Oh!
Andy Bernard
Ah! That’s not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? (laughs crazily)

Scene 04

1 line
Darryl Philbin
He’s been sailing for two days.

Scene 05

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(on computer) I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.
Erin Hannon
(laughing) Yeah.
Andy Bernard
No. No! Nooo! (computer falls into ocean)
Erin Hannon
Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh.

Scene 06

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
(answering phone) Dwight Schrute. (turns on speakerphone) Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?
David Wallace
(on speakerphone) Well, I have some very exciting news.
Dwight Schrute
And you didn’t call Jim - that seems significant.
Jim Halpert
Hi, David.
David Wallace
Jim, good! You should hear this too.
Dwight Schrute
No, he shouldn’t.
Jim Halpert
(taking away Dwight’s handset) Go ahead David, I’m listening.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don’t know where I’d put you.
David Wallace
Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They’ve apparently just dropped the supplier they’ve been with for the last ten years. .
Dwight Schrute
The White Pages.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing “the White Whale”. Look at all that sweet blubber.

Scene 08

25 lines
David Wallace
Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you.
Dwight Schrute
I’m gonna need to put you on hold for a second. (presses hold button) Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where’s Stanley?
Erin Hannon
He’s in the bathroom.
Dwight Schrute
Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?
Erin Hannon
Of course.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah! Okay. (presses button again) Hey David, I’m back.
Erin Hannon
(from the kitchen) Eat it Stanley!
Dwight Schrute
So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?
David Wallace
No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It’s someone new but she didn’t catch her name.
Dwight Schrute
Her name?
Phyllis Vance
No, hey, Dwight shouldn’t...
Dwight Schrute
Shhh! (clears throat) Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!
David Wallace
Good luck!
Dwight Schrute
Good luck to you. (disconnects call)
Phyllis Vance
Dwight, you can’t go. You have a problem with women. You can’t sell to them.
Dwight Schrute
That is a damnable lie. I love women.
Phyllis Vance
Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her ‘gy-na’ for your entire meeting.
Nellie Bertram
Ew. That’s not good.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, she said she corrected him five times.
Dwight Schrute
‘Gy-na’ said that?
Phyllis Vance
Guys, we can’t let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back.
Meredith Palmer
Hey remember that week in the 90’s when we got bagels?
Creed Bratton
I miss Clinton.
Pam Beesly
Can you go instead?
Jim Halpert
I can’t. I have the thing.

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I’m helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I’ve ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong.

Scene 10

3 lines
Pete Miller
Okay, call down. It’s just me, not Tom Selleck.
Guys in breakroom
(laughter)
Kevin Malone
Nice!

Scene 11

2 lines
Pete Miller
Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It’s a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November.
Clark Green
So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time.

Scene 12

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming, huh?
Toby Flenderson
I have very fertile hair glands.

Scene 13

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex.

Scene 14

1 line
Clark Green
God!

Scene 15

1 line
Toby Flenderson
We even go to lunch, pick up babes.

Scene 16

1 line
Toby Flenderson
(to passing female pedestrian) Smile if you love men’s prostates.

Scene 17

7 lines
Angela Martin
Hi.
Oscar Martinez
Hi.
Angela Martin
Spring cleaning?
Oscar Martinez
More like fall cleaning. (chuckles)
Angela Martin
(whispering) I think the senator is having an affair.
Oscar Martinez
(dropping desk drawer) This doesn’t... I’m sorry. Wha... what?
Angela Martin
I think the senator is having an affair.

Scene 18

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angela’s husband spoon me back to bed.

Scene 19

12 lines
Angela Martin
When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, I’m sure ...that’s nothing.
Angela Martin
And he’s always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it’s Hot Yoga with Blake.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, Blake’s also a guy’s name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake?
Angela Martin
I don’t know.
Oscar Martinez
I just never heard about the senator and yoga...
Angela Martin
Right.
Oscar Martinez
From you. I’m sure it’s probably nothing. But what’s with the yoga already?
Angela Martin
Right?
Oscar Martinez
And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out.
Angela Martin
What?
Oscar Martinez
Angela, I’ll go with you.

Scene 20

20 lines
Phyllis Vance
So, uh, show us how you’d normally sell to a female client.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog.
Pam Beesly
You’ve got this Schrute.
Phyllis Vance
Okay, you just walked into her office and begin.
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Erin Hannon
Hello.
Dwight Schrute
May I please speak to your boss?
Phyllis Vance
No, she is the boss.
Erin Hannon
I am? Hmm.. (deep voice) Hi, I’m Mr. Hannon. How can I help you?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, this isn’t working for me, ‘cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.
Erin Hannon
He’s absolutely right. I’m really struggling.
Pam Beesly
Oh, I’ll be the buyer.
Dwight Schrute
(sighing)
Pam Beesly
Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat.
Dwight Schrute
I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes
Phyllis Vance
No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs.
Dwight Schrute
I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I’m finished, it’s over.
Pam Beesly
Okay, let’s stop here. Anyone have any thoughts?
Dwight Schrute
I thought it went great.
Nellie Bertram
I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?

Scene 21

17 lines
Business partner
(on phone) Okay lets get started.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I’m here. Are we all on?
Business partner
Uh,, well you’re the only one ‘on’ - we’re all here.
Jim Halpert
(nervous laughter) Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months...
Kevin Malone
That’s the winter season., three months.
Jim Halpert
I uh, I have some ideas, actually...
Business partner
Are you at your office right now?
Jim Halpert
(hushed voice) Uh yeah. Trust me, I’d rather be with you guys.
Business partner
(laughing) Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert.
Jim Halpert
Oh, (clearing throat, deeper voice) Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh...
Business partner
Whoa. (laughing) I think there’s been a bit of a mistake. We’re trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman.
Jim Halpert
(laughing) Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell.
Business partner
Uh, yeah...
Jim Halpert
I’m gonna try a different spot. Okay?
Business partner
Okay, yeah.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I’ll call you right back.
Kevin Malone
What’s happening in three months?

Scene 22

26 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay, when you’re selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Pam Beesly
Okay, well you have to show us.
Dwight Schrute
That’s impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don’t vibrate at all.
Pam Beesly
Huh. (nodding) Uh huh.
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
Pam Beesly
A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it?
Dwight Schrute
Kind of.
Pam Beesly
Nellie, why don’t you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you’re listening.
Nellie Bertram
Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I’ve commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.
Erin Hannon
It’s just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person.
Dwight Schrute
I am a person.
Erin Hannon
Yes.
Nellie Bertram
And then we thought we’d … I can’t. I just can’t carry on with that face. Look at it. I’m gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he’s laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.
Dwight Schrute
That’s a bit extreme.
Nellie Bertram
No, I’m sorry but that is true.
Meredith Palmer
He’s screwed. They’re meeting in less than an hour.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It’s all garbage okay? You’re the woman, I’m the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I’m a woman. (high voice) I’m a woman. Good?
Phyllis Vance
Ms. Thomas, so good to see you.
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, are those your kids? They’re so cute! They could be models.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. I’m so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.
Meredith Palmer
Booo! Weird.
Nellie Bertram
No.
Phyllis Vance
Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It’s hopeless.

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
Ten years ago, I didn’t care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I’m like, that poor gimp is somebody’s child.

Scene 24

10 lines
Pam Beesly
You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women.
Dwight Schrute
Look, I have no problem with women. It’s businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don’t lie about your shoulders!
Pam Beesly
Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience?
Dwight Schrute
I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Pam Beesly
Okay, so, when you’re selling to this woman, just imagine that she’s that nice, reasonable barber.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I can do that.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps.
Dwight Schrute
He used to fight dogs.
Pam Beesly
Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs?
Dwight Schrute
Little of this, little of that.

Scene 25

10 lines
Angela Martin
Which one is the instructor? There all fatties.
Oscar Martinez
Angela! (whispering) Angela. There.
Angela Martin
Where?
Oscar Martinez
(whispering) On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her.
Angela Martin
Oh my God! She’s so stunningly tiny! She’s like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they’re doing.
Oscar Martinez
She’s repositioning his hips for downward facing dog.
Angela Martin
(gasps) I’ve heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I’d like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let’s go.
Oscar Martinez
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Angela Martin
Ow.
Oscar Martinez
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look.

Scene 26

2 lines
Pete Miller
(sound effect of throwing ball)
Toby Flenderson
This is fun. You know? I mean, this is fun.

Scene 27

12 lines
Jim Halpert
What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in --
Business partner
(on phone) It was in what? Jim, we’re having a lot of trouble hearing you.
Jim Halpert
The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...(car alarm blaring) was in the...
Hank Tate
Hey! Are those skateboarders back?
Business partner
(on phone) Jim? Jim, are you there?
Hank Tate
Where are they?
Jim Halpert
It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ...
Meredith Palmer
Who was messing with my van?
Jim Halpert
Nobody!
Business partner
(on phone) Jordan wore them for nobody? We’re not following you, Halpert.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no.
Hank Tate
This ends now!

Scene 28

7 lines
Secretary
Have a seat. Um, she will be right in.
Pam Beesly
Oh, great. Oh, I’m sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don’t have it.
Secretary
Uh... um she’ll be right in.
Pam Beesly
Okay, great.
Dwight Schrute
(to himself) Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God. It’s Jan.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, dear God in heaven.

Scene 29

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met.

Scene 30

1 line
Jan Levinson
You son of a bitch. You’re firing me? Where the hell do you get off?

Scene 31

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that?

Scene 32

28 lines
Pam Beesly
Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It’s so great to see you.
Jan Levinson
Where’s Wallace?
Pam Beesly
What?
Jan Levinson
I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct?
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. (laughs)
Pam Beesly
Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead.
Jan Levinson
Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont.
Molly
Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing ‘cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them...
Jan Levinson
Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan.
Molly
I’m so sorry Jan.
Jan Levinson
I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Listening.
Jan Levinson
Stop.
Dwight Schrute
Sorry.
Jan Levinson
Stop that.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Pam Beesly
So this was all just a trick. You don’t really have any business to give?
Jan Levinson
No, I do.
Pam Beesly
But not to us.
Jan Levinson
Insightful, Pam.
Pam Beesly
You did good, Dwight. It’s okay. I mean, seriously, Jan’s not normal. Let’s just go. She’s not going to sell to us.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I’ll be right back.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jan Levinson
Pam?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jan Levinson
I’m a very busy woman, so...
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid?
Jan Levinson
Fine. I will show you one... slide show.

Scene 33

12 lines
Pete Miller
Erin, did this call...
Erin Hannon
Uh!
Pete Miller
What?
Erin Hannon
Sorry, I uh, just saw your face.
Pete Miller
Oh, I’m sorry. It’s for the thing.
Erin Hannon
I know. That’s great. It just - it makes it look like there’s an eyebrow in the middle of your face.
Pete Miller
Wow.
Erin Hannon
A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn’t bad.
Pete Miller
Uh-huh.
Erin Hannon
But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It’s such a great cause.
Pete Miller
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
(chuckles)

Scene 34

14 lines
Jan Levinson
(audio from slide show, singing) Mommy, you’re a princess. Mommy, you’re a superstar. Mommy you’re the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es?
Pam Beesly
Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever.
Jan Levinson
Aw.
Pam Beesly
And it is so cute how she signs her name.
Jan Levinson
(chuckles) Well, that -- that was -- that was me too.
Pam Beesly
Oh, okay. It’s just that’s how Cece does it with the backwards ‘E’s.
Jan Levinson
Cece can’t spell her name.
Pam Beesly
Oh, actually she can.
Jan Levinson
Well, it’s not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, “Cece” is two letters and “Astrid” is... I mean, there’s even some adults who -- who -- who can’t spell it.
Pam Beesly
Of course.
Jan Levinson
Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Um... “A”... “X”? I don’t -- you got me.
Jan Levinson
Don’t patronize me.
Pam Beesly
(whispering) I’m so sorry. I hate this. You’re better.

Scene 35

6 lines
Angela Martin
(whispering) Okay, we should go now. Let’s go.
Oscar Martinez
(stammering wildly) Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. (scoffs)
Angela Martin
Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can’t get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire --
Oscar Martinez
(whispering) Please. It’s Robert who’s enjoying it.
Angela Martin
What?
Oscar Martinez
This could be the affair that you’re scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. (pause) But uh, he’s probably not gay. He’s straight. He’s straight, so...

Scene 36

15 lines
Pam Beesly
Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water?
Jan Levinson
No.
Dwight Schrute
Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I’ve got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.
Pam Beesly
Oh, my God.
Clark Green
Where’s the Quizno’s?
Dwight Schrute
You’re the Quizno’s. (chuckles) Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn’t quite meeting your needs -- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?
Jan Levinson
I -- I --
Dwight Schrute
Hmm?
Jan Levinson
I don’t recall. And yes, Molly is crap.
Pam Beesly
Okay, you do not have to do this.
Clark Green
Do what? Get into sales? That’s what I want.
Dwight Schrute
He’s been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.
Jan Levinson
Will you uh, (clicks tongue) you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business.
Dwight Schrute
Very good.
Jan Levinson
(to Clark) Do you have a valid passport?

Scene 37

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Jim Halpert.
Colin
(on phone) Hey, it’s Colin.
Jim Halpert
Hey man. I am so sorry about that.
Colin
I know. Don’t worry about it.
Jim Halpert
(laughs)
Colin
It’s just... it’s not totally working.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing -- not ideal. But don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.
Colin
Yeah, well, it’s not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don’t know how we’re gonna do this.
Jim Halpert
Uh, what does -- what does that mean?

Scene 38

6 lines
Angela Martin
Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay?
Oscar Martinez
I don’t know, Angela. I’m dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go.
Angela Martin
Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing?
Oscar Martinez
He’s making a phone call.
Angela Martin
(ducking under table with Oscar) Oh. Oh.
Oscar Martinez
(phone vibrates, rings)

Scene 39

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit.
Molly
Thanks. Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can’t be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL.
Pam Beesly
That’s a license number?
Dwight Schrute
That’s all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.
Pam Beesly
Oh. Why me?
Dwight Schrute
Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It’s like air to you people. Ugh, God. (retching)