Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Target

Vol. 9 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Angela finally reaches her breaking point and hires a hitman to handle Oscar's knees. Between Dwight's questionable choice in mercenaries and Jim's attempts to bribe Stanley and Phyllis with a fancy lunch, there's a lot to keep track of. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including Pam's quest to get a customer complaint to help finish the card tower.

Scene 01

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual.

Scene 02

9 lines
Oscar Martinez
Good morning. (clears throat)
Angela Martin
Oscar... (sighs) can I ask you a question?
Oscar Martinez
(whispering) Of course, ask me a que--  questions.
Angela Martin
Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar Martinez
(hoarsely) Yes, a little bit. (normal voice) Yes.
Angela Martin
I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar Martinez
It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Oscar Martinez
No, thank you, Angela.

Scene 03

1 line
Oscar Martinez
She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.

Scene 04

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.
Pam Beesly
These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. (Jim applauds)
Meredith Palmer
Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.
Jim Halpert
You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?
Pam Beesly
Are you avoiding your phone call?
Jim Halpert
What? Yeah, right. As if.

Scene 05

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.
Pam Beesly
Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead.
Jim Halpert
I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Pam Beesly
Tell them your opening line.
Jim Halpert
(sighs) Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?
Pam Beesly
I think it’s good. He likes fishing.
Jim Halpert
This is gonna be awful.

Scene 06

1 line
Pete Miller
One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to “chillax,” and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.  Fight the power.

Scene 07

1 line
Angela Martin
Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.

Scene 08

18 lines
Angela Martin
(upon seeing Dwight naked) Ugh!
Dwight Schrute
Come on in, the water’s fine.
Angela Martin
Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight Schrute
I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes. (does jumping jacks)
Angela Martin
Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband?
Angela Martin
My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?
Angela Martin
 Something like that.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.
Angela Martin
Can you arrange a meeting?
Dwight Schrute
I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text.
Angela Martin
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Text went through.
Angela Martin
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
All we can do is sit and wait.
Angela Martin
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
(phone vibrates) Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem.

Scene 09

7 lines
Jim Halpert
I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.
David Wallace
(on phone) Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis -- the more I think about it --
Jim Halpert
Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone.
David Wallace
They did?
Jim Halpert
Yep.
David Wallace
Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work.
Jim Halpert
Oh, great.

Scene 10

9 lines
Stanley Hudson
Why should we help you?
Jim Halpert
Because we’re friends.
Stanley Hudson
When is my birthday?
Jim Halpert
Unfair. When’s my birthday?
Stanley Hudson
I don’t know, because we’re not friends.
Jim Halpert
How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?
Stanley Hudson
Now we’re talkin’.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah.

Scene 11

12 lines
Kevin Malone
Make it go taller.
Pete Miller
That’s the idea.
Kevin Malone
No, not taller this way, taller this way. (gesturing with hands)
Pete Miller
Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.
Kevin Malone
You’re not getting this, Peter.  Make it go wider... up!
Pete Miller
Will do.
Darryl Philbin
(entering) What are y’all doing?
Kevin Malone
Me and Pete are building a tower.
Darryl Philbin
Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Kevin Malone
Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete Miller
Kevin, I can hear you.
Kevin Malone
Huh?

Scene 12

19 lines
Angela Martin
Ow! Dwight! Ow!
Dwight Schrute
Get in the van.
Angela Martin
God!
Trevor
Is it safe to talk?
Dwight Schrute
Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good.
Angela Martin
So what are your credentials?
Trevor
I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it.
Angela Martin
Do you have a gun?
Dwight Schrute
(snickers) Does he own a gun? Show her.
Trevor
You tell me.
Angela Martin
What is this?
Trevor
It’s the receipt for my gun.
Angela Martin
You don’t carry it with you?
Trevor
Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Dwight Schrute
Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him?
Trevor
Now I keep it in a safe.
Dwight Schrute
Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Trevor
Oh, you tell me. (shows Dwight receipt)
Dwight Schrute
Wow!

Scene 13

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(studying mural wall) I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub.
Hide
You paint wall now?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...
Hide
You paint now.
Pam Beesly
It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Hide
I wait.

Scene 14

12 lines
Meredith Palmer
Sweet.
Erin Hannon
Yay!
Darryl Philbin
That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Pete Miller
This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’
Meredith Palmer
Oh OOOH!
Everyone
(approving cheers)
Meredith Palmer
Boom!
Darryl Philbin
Bang.
Kevin Malone
Yep, yep, yep.
Pete Miller
All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Creed Bratton
Let’s find out what I did.
Pete Miller
All right.

Scene 15

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Trevor
And that’s all off the books?
Angela Martin
Obviously.
Trevor
Nice. No taxes.
Angela Martin
Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Trevor
So what’s the job?
Angela Martin
Murder.
Trevor
Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big “M.”

Scene 16

22 lines
Dwight Schrute
You can’t have someone murdered.
Angela Martin
What if they deserved it?
Dwight Schrute
What did they do to you, Angela?
Angela Martin
They’re sleeping with my husband.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Trevor
This seems a little crazy.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Trevor
But I think I’m up for it.
Dwight Schrute
No! No!
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--
Trevor
That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating.
Angela Martin
No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Trevor
What about a knee-capping?
Dwight Schrute
No! You’re not helping, Trevor!
Angela Martin
Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Dwight Schrute
No. Angela! What are you saying?
Angela Martin
You said you would be there for me.
Dwight Schrute
I’m trying, but what you’re asking is--
Angela Martin
It’s the only thing that will make this right.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn.
Trevor
All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back.

Scene 17

7 lines
Jim Halpert
You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone.
Stanley Hudson
We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that.
Waiter
Morning, folks.
Stanley Hudson
I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Waiter
Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--
Stanley Hudson
Not enough lobster. Side order.
Phyllis Vance
How much wine do you have?

Scene 18

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
I brought you a cookie.
Angela Martin
Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel.

Scene 19

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(talking into phone) I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we’re good. Yeah. (exhales) We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye.

Scene 20

6 lines
Pete Miller
There we go.
Everyone
(cheers and applause)
Pete Miller
Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie Bertram
Oooohh... you salty dog.
Darryl Philbin
Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play.
Pete Miller
There you go.

Scene 21

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing.

Scene 22

8 lines
Kevin Malone
Okay, I got this one.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful
Kevin Malone
No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.
Everyone
(shouting as tower collapses) Oh no! Kevin!
Nellie Bertram
What did I just say? What did I just say?
Pete Miller
Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about --  mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Pete Miller
There we go. All right, let’s do it.

Scene 23

6 lines
Jim Halpert
You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office.  If you need me for an emergency, call me.  I’ll be there...
Phyllis Vance
You know what? I don’t know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them.
Jim Halpert
Tell me about it.
Phyllis Vance
Whose hands are these? (holding out her hands to Jim) Theyre not my hands. I don’t know.
Jim Halpert
All right. You know what?  Maybe we’ll just... We’ll go slow.
Phyllis Vance
No. Jim... (wine bottle clangs on plate)

Scene 24

16 lines
Pete Miller
All right. Check it out.
Everyone
(cheers and applause)
Pete Miller
Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Kevin Malone
Nice.  Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling.
Erin Hannon
Whoo!
Pete Miller
Can you hand me a card?
Erin Hannon
Um,. it’s empty.
Pete Miller
What?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.
Everyone
No!!
Meredith Palmer
That’s cheating.
Pam Beesly
I could get us a complaint.
Meredith Palmer
You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly.
Pam Beesly
No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try.
Nellie Bertram
Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...
Everyone
(chanting) “Pam!”

Scene 25

12 lines
Angela Martin
What? Why did you call me out here?
Dwight Schrute
The target-- it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other.
Angela Martin
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dwight Schrute
Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Angela Martin
Fine! It’s Oscar. So what?
Dwight Schrute
Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?
Angela Martin
Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.
Dwight Schrute
I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
Angela Martin
Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now.
Dwight Schrute
What do you mean?
Angela Martin
He’s here.
Dwight Schrute
No! No, no! (groans)

Scene 26

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.
Oscar Martinez
What?
Dwight Schrute
Come -- come with me.
Oscar Martinez
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary.
Meredith Palmer
Yahtzee.
Trevor
Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
Kevin Malone
I am Oscar Martinez.
Angela Martin
No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.
Kevin Malone
Wha-- wh--
Angela Martin
You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room.
Kevin Malone
Nice! Yeah.

Scene 27

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.
Stanley Hudson
Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky.
Jim Halpert
All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s-- that’s decorative.
Phyllis Vance
No, there’s wine in here.
Jim Halpert
Still decorative.
Stanley Hudson
Is it white wine?
Jim Halpert
No.
Phyllis Vance
(to customer) Can you help me?
Jim Halpert
Don’t-- don’t-- don’t pole people with knives.
Phyllis Vance
(groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle) ha ha!
Jim Halpert
Phyllis!  Wow.
Stanley Hudson
Ooh, bring it over.
Phyllis Vance
Got it.

Scene 28

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
There’s no time to explain. (descending stairs) Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?
Dwight Schrute
What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child?
Oscar Martinez
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about.  Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us.

Scene 29

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us.
Trevor
Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but I’m gonna do this.
Dwight Schrute
No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe.
Trevor
I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No!
Oscar Martinez
I got it.
Dwight Schrute
Disarm!
Trevor
You don’t-- (all three grunting)
Dwight Schrute
Don’t move. And disarm now! (Oscar gets weapon away from others)
Trevor
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dwight Schrute
No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend.

Scene 30

14 lines
Erin Hannon
Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge!
Nellie Bertram
Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Creed Bratton
Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.
Pam Beesly
(into phone) Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, “Hey, kool-aid.” Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert.
Pete Miller
Did she buy it?
Pam Beesly
Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think...
Nellie Bertram
Were they angry?
Pam Beesly
I-- I thought they were confused at least...
Nellie Bertram
Okay.
Erin Hannon
Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. (hangs up) Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!
Everyone
(cheering)
Kevin Malone
Nice. Nice.
Creed Bratton
You did good. You did good.
Pete Miller
See ya later, Heymont.

Scene 31

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
No.
Trevor
If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.
Oscar Martinez
What the hell, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
See ya later, Trevor.
Oscar Martinez
you are incorrigible!
Dwight Schrute
I just saved your life. You’re welcome!
Oscar Martinez
You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
Angela Martin
You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay.
Oscar Martinez
What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!
Angela Martin
No. No.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.
Angela Martin
Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe.
Angela Martin
God! (kicks Oscar)
Oscar Martinez
Aah!
Angela Martin
You were supposed to be my friend.
Oscar Martinez
I’m so sorry. Angela--
Dwight Schrute
Oscar.

Scene 32

12 lines
Pete Miller
Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...
Everyone
(cheers and applause)
Pete Miller
For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother.
Nellie Bertram
Yes!
Pam Beesly
I did not know that.
Pete Miller
Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.
Pam Beesly
I’m so sorry.
Meredith Palmer
Wow.
Pete Miller
yeah. That’s-- that is terrible.
Everyone
(cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower)
Kevin Malone
You did it.
Erin Hannon
Yeah!

Scene 33

6 lines
Angela Martin
I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
Dwight Schrute
You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
Angela Martin
(crying) Jazz is stupid!  I mean, just play the right notes!
Dwight Schrute
I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey.
Angela Martin
I don’t like your friend Trevor.
Dwight Schrute
I don’t like him either.  And yet I really like him.

Scene 34

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Well, we’re here. Perfect.  (covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket)
Phyllis Vance
We’re gonna cover for you, ya know.
Stanley Hudson
(chuckles)
Jim Halpert
Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or--
Stanley Hudson
(laughing) I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Phyllis Vance
(laughing) Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
Jim Halpert
This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all--
Stanley Hudson
Shuckin’ your peas.
Jim Halpert
Shuckin’ the peas.  You should go back to the first part, though. You are  gonna  cover for me?
Stanley Hudson
Yeah.
Phyllis Vance
Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Jim Halpert
Oh, my God, thank you. (hugging both) Thank you.

Scene 35

3 lines
Pam Beesly
If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea  that you can’t please everybody all the time.
Hide
You paint very bad--
Pam Beesly
Shut up, Hide!  I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that.

Scene 36

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby Flenderson
That is-- that is a loaded question.
Angela Martin
My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby Flenderson
He said that?
Angela Martin
Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it.
Toby Flenderson
I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that.
Angela Martin
What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby Flenderson
Oh... uh...
Angela Martin
Is it called red-vining?
Dwight Schrute
Is it called red-vining?
Toby Flenderson
I don’t...
Dwight Schrute
We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela Martin
People red vine.
Dwight Schrute
Where are gay mens’ vaginas?
Toby Flenderson
They don’t have vaginas.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Toby Flenderson
No. They’re just regular men.
Dwight Schrute
When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis?
Toby Flenderson
Uh... wow....