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Season 9 Episode 8
The Target

Every line from The Office episode "The Target", season 9 episode 8.

Oscar Martinez: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual.
Oscar Martinez: Good morning. (clears throat)
Angela Martin: Oscar... (sighs) can I ask you a question?
Oscar Martinez: (whispering) Of course, ask me a que--  questions.
Angela Martin: Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar Martinez: (hoarsely) Yes, a little bit. (normal voice) Yes.
Angela Martin: I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar Martinez: It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Oscar Martinez: No, thank you, Angela.
Oscar Martinez: She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.
Dwight Schrute: Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.
Pam Beesly: These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. (Jim applauds)
Meredith Palmer: Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.
Jim Halpert: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?
Pam Beesly: Are you avoiding your phone call?
Jim Halpert: What? Yeah, right. As if.
Jim Halpert: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.
Pam Beesly: Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead.
Jim Halpert: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Pam Beesly: Tell them your opening line.
Jim Halpert: (sighs) Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?
Pam Beesly: I think it’s good. He likes fishing.
Jim Halpert: This is gonna be awful.
Pete Miller: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to “chillax,” and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.  Fight the power.
Angela Martin: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.
Angela Martin: (upon seeing Dwight naked) Ugh!
Dwight Schrute: Come on in, the water’s fine.
Angela Martin: Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight Schrute: I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes. (does jumping jacks)
Angela Martin: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband?
Angela Martin: My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?
Angela Martin:  Something like that.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.
Angela Martin: Can you arrange a meeting?
Dwight Schrute: I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text.
Angela Martin: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Text went through.
Angela Martin: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: All we can do is sit and wait.
Angela Martin: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: (phone vibrates) Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem.
Jim Halpert: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.
David Wallace: (on phone) Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis -- the more I think about it --
Jim Halpert: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone.
David Wallace: They did?
Jim Halpert: Yep.
David Wallace: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work.
Jim Halpert: Oh, great.
Stanley Hudson: Why should we help you?
Jim Halpert: Because we’re friends.
Stanley Hudson: When is my birthday?
Jim Halpert: Unfair. When’s my birthday?
Stanley Hudson: I don’t know, because we’re not friends.
Jim Halpert: How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?
Stanley Hudson: Now we’re talkin’.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: Make it go taller.
Pete Miller: That’s the idea.
Kevin Malone: No, not taller this way, taller this way. (gesturing with hands)
Pete Miller: Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.
Kevin Malone: You’re not getting this, Peter.  Make it go wider... up!
Pete Miller: Will do.
Darryl Philbin: (entering) What are y’all doing?
Kevin Malone: Me and Pete are building a tower.
Darryl Philbin: Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Kevin Malone: Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete Miller: Kevin, I can hear you.
Kevin Malone: Huh?
Angela Martin: Ow! Dwight! Ow!
Dwight Schrute: Get in the van.
Angela Martin: God!
Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight Schrute: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good.
Angela Martin: So what are your credentials?
Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it.
Angela Martin: Do you have a gun?
Dwight Schrute: (snickers) Does he own a gun? Show her.
Trevor: You tell me.
Angela Martin: What is this?
Trevor: It’s the receipt for my gun.
Angela Martin: You don’t carry it with you?
Trevor: Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Dwight Schrute: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him?
Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe.
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Trevor: Oh, you tell me. (shows Dwight receipt)
Dwight Schrute: Wow!
Pam Beesly: (studying mural wall) I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub.
Hide: You paint wall now?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...
Hide: You paint now.
Pam Beesly: It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Hide: I wait.
Meredith Palmer: Sweet.
Erin Hannon: Yay!
Darryl Philbin: That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Pete Miller: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’
Meredith Palmer: Oh OOOH!
Everyone: (approving cheers)
Meredith Palmer: Boom!
Darryl Philbin: Bang.
Kevin Malone: Yep, yep, yep.
Pete Miller: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Creed Bratton: Let’s find out what I did.
Pete Miller: All right.
Dwight Schrute: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Trevor: And that’s all off the books?
Angela Martin: Obviously.
Trevor: Nice. No taxes.
Angela Martin: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Trevor: So what’s the job?
Angela Martin: Murder.
Trevor: Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big “M.”
Dwight Schrute: You can’t have someone murdered.
Angela Martin: What if they deserved it?
Dwight Schrute: What did they do to you, Angela?
Angela Martin: They’re sleeping with my husband.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Trevor: This seems a little crazy.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Trevor: But I think I’m up for it.
Dwight Schrute: No! No!
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--
Trevor: That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating.
Angela Martin: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Trevor: What about a knee-capping?
Dwight Schrute: No! You’re not helping, Trevor!
Angela Martin: Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Dwight Schrute: No. Angela! What are you saying?
Angela Martin: You said you would be there for me.
Dwight Schrute: I’m trying, but what you’re asking is--
Angela Martin: It’s the only thing that will make this right.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn.
Trevor: All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back.
Jim Halpert: You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone.
Stanley Hudson: We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that.
Waiter: Morning, folks.
Stanley Hudson: I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob--
Stanley Hudson: Not enough lobster. Side order.
Phyllis Vance: How much wine do you have?
Oscar Martinez: I brought you a cookie.
Angela Martin: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel.
Oscar Martinez: (talking into phone) I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we’re good. Yeah. (exhales) We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye.
Pete Miller: There we go.
Everyone: (cheers and applause)
Pete Miller: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie Bertram: Oooohh... you salty dog.
Darryl Philbin: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play.
Pete Miller: There you go.
Darryl Philbin: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing.
Kevin Malone: Okay, I got this one.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful
Kevin Malone: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.
Everyone: (shouting as tower collapses) Oh no! Kevin!
Nellie Bertram: What did I just say? What did I just say?
Pete Miller: Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about --  mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Pete Miller: There we go. All right, let’s do it.
Jim Halpert: You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office.  If you need me for an emergency, call me.  I’ll be there...
Phyllis Vance: You know what? I don’t know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them.
Jim Halpert: Tell me about it.
Phyllis Vance: Whose hands are these? (holding out her hands to Jim) Theyre not my hands. I don’t know.
Jim Halpert: All right. You know what?  Maybe we’ll just... We’ll go slow.
Phyllis Vance: No. Jim... (wine bottle clangs on plate)
Pete Miller: All right. Check it out.
Everyone: (cheers and applause)
Pete Miller: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Kevin Malone: Nice.  Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling.
Erin Hannon: Whoo!
Pete Miller: Can you hand me a card?
Erin Hannon: Um,. it’s empty.
Pete Miller: What?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.
Everyone: No!!
Meredith Palmer: That’s cheating.
Pam Beesly: I could get us a complaint.
Meredith Palmer: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly.
Pam Beesly: No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try.
Nellie Bertram: Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...
Everyone: (chanting) “Pam!”
Angela Martin: What? Why did you call me out here?
Dwight Schrute: The target-- it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other.
Angela Martin: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dwight Schrute: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Angela Martin: Fine! It’s Oscar. So what?
Dwight Schrute: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?
Angela Martin: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.
Dwight Schrute: I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
Angela Martin: Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now.
Dwight Schrute: What do you mean?
Angela Martin: He’s here.
Dwight Schrute: No! No, no! (groans)
Dwight Schrute: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.
Oscar Martinez: What?
Dwight Schrute: Come -- come with me.
Oscar Martinez: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary.
Meredith Palmer: Yahtzee.
Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
Kevin Malone: I am Oscar Martinez.
Angela Martin: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.
Kevin Malone: Wha-- wh--
Angela Martin: You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room.
Kevin Malone: Nice! Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.
Stanley Hudson: Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky.
Jim Halpert: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s-- that’s decorative.
Phyllis Vance: No, there’s wine in here.
Jim Halpert: Still decorative.
Stanley Hudson: Is it white wine?
Jim Halpert: No.
Phyllis Vance: (to customer) Can you help me?
Jim Halpert: Don’t-- don’t-- don’t pole people with knives.
Phyllis Vance: (groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle) ha ha!
Jim Halpert: Phyllis!  Wow.
Stanley Hudson: Ooh, bring it over.
Phyllis Vance: Got it.
Dwight Schrute: There’s no time to explain. (descending stairs) Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?
Dwight Schrute: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child?
Oscar Martinez: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about.  Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us.
Dwight Schrute: Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us.
Trevor: Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but I’m gonna do this.
Dwight Schrute: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe.
Trevor: I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No!
Oscar Martinez: I got it.
Dwight Schrute: Disarm!
Trevor: You don’t-- (all three grunting)
Dwight Schrute: Don’t move. And disarm now! (Oscar gets weapon away from others)
Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dwight Schrute: No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend.
Erin Hannon: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge!
Nellie Bertram: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Creed Bratton: Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.
Pam Beesly: (into phone) Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, “Hey, kool-aid.” Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert.
Pete Miller: Did she buy it?
Pam Beesly: Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think...
Nellie Bertram: Were they angry?
Pam Beesly: I-- I thought they were confused at least...
Nellie Bertram: Okay.
Erin Hannon: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. (hangs up) Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!
Everyone: (cheering)
Kevin Malone: Nice. Nice.
Creed Bratton: You did good. You did good.
Pete Miller: See ya later, Heymont.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.
Oscar Martinez: What the hell, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: See ya later, Trevor.
Oscar Martinez: you are incorrigible!
Dwight Schrute: I just saved your life. You’re welcome!
Oscar Martinez: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
Angela Martin: You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay.
Oscar Martinez: What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!
Angela Martin: No. No.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.
Angela Martin: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe.
Angela Martin: God! (kicks Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: Aah!
Angela Martin: You were supposed to be my friend.
Oscar Martinez: I’m so sorry. Angela--
Dwight Schrute: Oscar.
Pete Miller: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...
Everyone: (cheers and applause)
Pete Miller: For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother.
Nellie Bertram: Yes!
Pam Beesly: I did not know that.
Pete Miller: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.
Pam Beesly: I’m so sorry.
Meredith Palmer: Wow.
Pete Miller: yeah. That’s-- that is terrible.
Everyone: (cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower)
Kevin Malone: You did it.
Erin Hannon: Yeah!
Angela Martin: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
Dwight Schrute: You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
Angela Martin: (crying) Jazz is stupid!  I mean, just play the right notes!
Dwight Schrute: I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey.
Angela Martin: I don’t like your friend Trevor.
Dwight Schrute: I don’t like him either.  And yet I really like him.
Jim Halpert: Well, we’re here. Perfect.  (covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket)
Phyllis Vance: We’re gonna cover for you, ya know.
Stanley Hudson: (chuckles)
Jim Halpert: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or--
Stanley Hudson: (laughing) I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Phyllis Vance: (laughing) Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
Jim Halpert: This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all--
Stanley Hudson: Shuckin’ your peas.
Jim Halpert: Shuckin’ the peas.  You should go back to the first part, though. You are  gonna  cover for me?
Stanley Hudson: Yeah.
Phyllis Vance: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God, thank you. (hugging both) Thank you.
Pam Beesly: If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea  that you can’t please everybody all the time.
Hide: You paint very bad--
Pam Beesly: Shut up, Hide!  I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that.
Dwight Schrute: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby Flenderson: That is-- that is a loaded question.
Angela Martin: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby Flenderson: He said that?
Angela Martin: Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it.
Toby Flenderson: I-- I don’t know if there’s truth to-- to, uh, to that.
Angela Martin: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby Flenderson: Oh... uh...
Angela Martin: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight Schrute: Is it called red-vining?
Toby Flenderson: I don’t...
Dwight Schrute: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela Martin: People red vine.
Dwight Schrute: Where are gay mens’ vaginas?
Toby Flenderson: They don’t have vaginas.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Toby Flenderson: No. They’re just regular men.
Dwight Schrute: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis?
Toby Flenderson: Uh... wow....

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 8 season 9. The Target is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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