Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Dwight Christmas

Vol. 9 · Issue 9Scranton, PA

Is your year impish or admirable? Here’s every single line from "Dwight Christmas" to help you decide. Between the hog maw and Pete reciting Die Hard from memory, this Pennsylvania Dutch celebration is one for the books. You’ll find the full script right here, including all of Dwight’s Belsnickel judgments and Toby’s awkward Scranton Strangler stories.

Scene 01

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(Sighs) I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes.
Pam Beesly
I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt.
Jim Halpert
Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking.

Scene 03

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.
Jim Halpert
So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word "Philadelphia"?
Dwight Schrute
Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning "Love," and adelph, meaning "Adolf." "the city that loves Adolf." Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.
Erin Hannon
Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone!
Angela Martin
No.
Nellie Bertram
Is It?
Erin Hannon
I mean, it says "X-Mas party," but I think we all know what that's code for.
Kevin Malone
So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us?
Angela Martin
Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee.
Kevin Malone
Well, you are the one in charge of it.
Angela Martin
Don't blame me for something we all forgot.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.

Scene 04

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points.

Scene 05

13 lines
Phyllis Vance
I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
Meredith Palmer
(Scoffs) We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Nellie Bertram
Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes?
Kevin Malone
Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
Dwight Schrute
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim Halpert
Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Kevin Malone
No.
Angela Martin
No!
Jim Halpert
Done, right?
Angela Martin
No.
Stanley Hudson
No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith Palmer
Topless Christmas.
Creed Bratton
Tapas swiss miss.

Scene 06

1 line
Creed Bratton
Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa--What's so hard to understand?

Scene 07

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis Vance
We already said no.
Angela Martin
No, no, no.
Nellie Bertram
Too weird.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(Holds up a picture) This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

Scene 09

4 lines
Jim Halpert
I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy?
Angela Martin
(Blows a weak whistle) Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now.
Pam Beesly
I'm on it.
Jim Halpert
Right.

Scene 10

29 lines
Pete Miller
I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.
Erin Hannon
Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think--I think you mean John McCain.
Pete Miller
Die hard reference.
Erin Hannon
I haven't seen it.
Pete Miller
You haven't seen die hard?
Erin Hannon
Mm-Mmm.
Pete Miller
Why haven't you seen die hard?
Erin Hannon
I don't know, I just haven't.
Kevin Malone
Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.
Erin Hannon
No.
Kevin Malone
"now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho."
Pete Miller
"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs."
Erin Hannon
None of this makes any sense to me!
Kevin Malone
Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother--"
Pete Miller
Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans.
Kevin Malone
Yes, you are right. Forgive me.
Pete Miller
Oh, that's okay, bud.
Kevin Malone
Nope. (Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen)
Pete Miller
Common mistake.
Kevin Malone
No, it's not.
Erin Hannon
(Points and Pete) Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?
Pete Miller
My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it.
Erin Hannon
Okay, let's hear it.
Pete Miller
Hear what?
Erin Hannon
Die hard. Every line. Go.
Pete Miller
"You don't like flying, do you?"
Erin Hannon
Don't change the subject.
Pete Miller
No, that's the--
Erin Hannon
Movie is starting.

Scene 11

7 lines
Jim Halpert
(In Kitchen) We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.
Stanley Hudson
I love Philly. Dirty town.
Darryl Philbin
(Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders) Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man.
Jim Halpert
Whoo!
Darryl Philbin
So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I think so.
Darryl Philbin
Think that through for a sec.

Scene 12

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right?

Scene 13

10 lines
Darryl Philbin
What else could you possibly be forgetting?
Jim Halpert
Uh--
Darryl Philbin
Things? People?
Toby Flenderson
You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison (Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen) for something he may not have done.
Nellie Bertram
I'm sorry, the--Uh, the Scranton who?
Toby Flenderson
The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?
Nellie Bertram
(Gasps) Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.
Toby Flenderson
I--I could--I could talk about it.
Stanley Hudson
(Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her) See you next Christmas.
Toby Flenderson
I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.

Scene 14

15 lines
Pam Beesly
We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us.
Phyllis Vance
Let's do it!
Pam Beesly
Yes! Phyllis!
Angela Martin
No. I don't want my name attached to this party.
Pam Beesly
What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?
Angela Martin
Please just take my name off of everything.
Oscar Martinez
Just take her name off of everything.
Pam Beesly
(Clears her throat) The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! Yeah! (High Fives Jim) Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! (High Fives Pam) Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!
Pam Beesly
Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously.
Dwight Schrute
Uh-huh.
Pam Beesly
And that is...
Dwight Schrute
Uh, Oh.
Pam Beesly
That there are no rules.
Dwight Schrute
You have never been cooler.

Scene 15

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Best Christmas ever.
Pam Beesly
You're welcome.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.

Scene 16

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Plays a trumpet) And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Meredith Palmer
Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Dwight Schrute
That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.
Pam Beesly
What is it? (Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork) Don't touch it.
Dwight Schrute
(Comes running up at startles Pam) Somebody's found the hog maw.
Pam Beesly
Oh!
Dwight Schrute
What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.
Stanley Hudson
Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.
Dwight Schrute
It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.
Jim Halpert
Can't wait.
Meredith Palmer
Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Dwight Schrute
This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar Martinez
How would anyone even know--
Dwight Schrute
Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?

Scene 17

3 lines
Jim Halpert
I don't know. Is it what you expected?
Pam Beesly
I feel like (Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office)--Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.
Jim Halpert
So happy right now.

Scene 18

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Speaking German) Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. (Blows out the candle) Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.
Kevin Malone
I wish my car had a bathroom.

Scene 19

4 lines
Pete Miller
"Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that--"
Erin Hannon
(On a computer, checking the script) Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete.
Pete Miller
That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.
Erin Hannon
I don't know. This looks pretty legit. (Erin's cell phone chimes) Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land.

Scene 20

1 line
Erin Hannon
(Reading the email from Andy) "What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates."

Scene 21

10 lines
Pete Miller
Hey. Everything okay?
Erin Hannon
So what comes next?
Pete Miller
Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, (Pete stands up) "After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--"
Erin Hannon
We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.
Pete Miller
Or we can just sit and talk, though.
Erin Hannon
No. No more talking. It's movie time.
Pete Miller
I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.
Erin Hannon
Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan.
Pete Miller
Okay.
Toby Flenderson
(To Nellie in the kitchen) Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.

Scene 22

7 lines
Kevin Malone
(With his mouth full) I love this hog mama.
Phyllis Vance
Dwight said it's "Hog maw."
Kevin Malone
(Chokes and spits it out) What is maw?!
Phyllis Vance
It's the lining of the stomach of--
Dwight Schrute
(Cackling) Ohh...(In a German Accent) Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!
Jim Halpert
Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight Schrute
I am nigh!

Scene 23

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.

Scene 24

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! (Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick) Ohh...Too much strudel.
Jim Halpert
So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse.
Dwight Schrute
No, much better--No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.
Jim Halpert
Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Pam Beesly
And the fear.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, exactly!
Phyllis Vance
Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Oscar Martinez
(Reading from his phone) This is a real thing. "Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany."
Angela Martin
Huh.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?
Oscar Martinez
(Continues reading) "His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface."
Stanley Hudson
Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. (Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet)

Scene 25

2 lines
Pete Miller
Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?
Erin Hannon
Mm. (Chuckles)

Scene 26

1 line
Darryl Philbin
(Talks drunk angry) Jim, that guy. (Scoffs) You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? (Sighs) It's awful.

Scene 27

23 lines
Dwight Schrute
Take a bowl and pass it down.
Phyllis Vance
Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Dwight Schrute
No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Jim Halpert
Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Dwight Schrute
No, impish or admirable.
Jim Halpert
Quick question--Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Dwight Schrute
I decided earlier.
Jim Halpert
Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Dwight Schrute
Of course I checked it.
Jim Halpert
But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Dwight Schrute
I checked it more than once.
Jim Halpert
Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's--
Dwight Schrute
Impish or admirable.
Jim Halpert
Damn.
Dwight Schrute
Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. (Jim claps) There you are.
Phyllis Vance
(Takes here gift out of her bowl) Oh. What are these?
Dwight Schrute
It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Phyllis Vance
I'd rather have the bowl.
Dwight Schrute
You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year (looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar)...as impish! (Smacks Oscar with a stick)
Oscar Martinez
Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Dwight Schrute
No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder (puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl)
Jim Halpert
Ooh.
Pam Beesly
(Holds the mouse trap up) Mouse trap.

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

Scene 29

26 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
Dwight Schrute
Stop giggling.
Pam Beesly
Oh, really? Already?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, it's all right.
Dwight Schrute
It's a punishment. (Turns to Jim) Hey, where are you going?
Jim Halpert
I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Dwight Schrute
But you work tomorrow.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.
Dwight Schrute
But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Jim Halpert
Ooh.
Dwight Schrute
Remember?
Jim Halpert
That's right.
Dwight Schrute
No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!
Jim Halpert
Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?
Jim Halpert
You know what? Yeah. Have at it.
Dwight Schrute
Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! (Jim holds his hands like a bowl) I judge your year as impish. (Hits Jim with stick)
Jim Halpert
Ooh! Are you nuts?
Dwight Schrute
(Hits Jim three more times) I judge you impish!
Jim Halpert
Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard.
Dwight Schrute
They're not abandoning the party. (Hit's Jim again)
Jim Halpert
Just--Just--Hey!
Jim Halpert
(As he's walking out) That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh!
Dwight Schrute
(Hits Jim some more) Impish! (Chases Jim out)
Jim Halpert
Aah! Ow!
Meredith Palmer
Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. (Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in)

Scene 30

13 lines
Jim Halpert
(In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows) Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. (To taxi driver) One second. Oh...
Pam Beesly
Well...this is it.
Jim Halpert
I'm probably never gonna see you again.
Pam Beesly
Shut up. I'm trying to be serious.
Jim Halpert
Okay, sorry, sorry.
Pam Beesly
I can't believe this is actually happening.
Jim Halpert
Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck.
Pam Beesly
Okay. (Jim and Pam hug) Good luck. You're gonna be great.
Jim Halpert
I'll call you when I get in.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Pam Beesly
Love you.
Jim Halpert
Love you.

Scene 31

2 lines
Pam Beesly
What's going on?
Dwight Schrute
Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. (To camera) And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! (Takes off hat and beard)

Scene 32

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.
Angela Martin
Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!

Scene 33

2 lines
Nellie Bertram
Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting.

Scene 34

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.

Scene 35

9 lines
Darryl Philbin
(At Meredtith) Boo!
Pam Beesly
For what it's worth, I liked your party better.
Dwight Schrute
Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.
Pam Beesly
I don't think anyone thought that.
Dwight Schrute
Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.
Pam Beesly
Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.
Dwight Schrute
I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Pam Beesly
Zero.
Dwight Schrute
Damn It!

Scene 36

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I'm gonna tell Jim to go (Bleep) himself.

Scene 37

5 lines
Erin Hannon
Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?
Pete Miller
Yeah. Definitely. (Erin starts to cry) Hey, what's--Oh, no, come here. (Starts to put his arm around Erin) Hey, hey. Come on, huh?
Erin Hannon
(Sliding away from Pete) I'm still Andy's girlfriend.
Pete Miller
Oh, yeah, of course. I know.
Erin Hannon
But you can leave your arm.

Scene 38

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?
Dwight Schrute
No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.
Jim Halpert
(Walks back into The Office) Yep, I did say that.
Pam Beesly
Jim!
Jim Halpert
What's going on? Where's the belsnickel?
Pam Beesly
Oh--Oh my god!
Jim Halpert
What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.
Dwight Schrute
(Holds his finger to Jim's lips) Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! (High fives Jim)
Pam Beesly
What happened? Did you miss your bus?
Jim Halpert
No. I just missed my wife.(Gives Pam a hug and a kiss)
Dwight Schrute
(Comes back in, holding up the pig rib) I found it!
Jim Halpert
And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m.

Scene 39

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh! (Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans) Damn It! Jim got the bigger half.
Darryl Philbin
(To himself) Back for more, huh? (Gets up and walks towards Jim)
Jim Halpert
Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. (Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in) Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy?
Darryl Philbin
You!
Jim Halpert
Oh, hey, man. (Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim) Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview.
Darryl Philbin
(Looking at Jim confused) That's great.
Jim Halpert
Right?
Darryl Philbin
Thanks, man.
Jim Halpert
Hey, of course.
Darryl Philbin
I shall come by at your convenience.
Jim Halpert
Thank you, sir. (Tips his glass to Daryl)
Darryl Philbin
(Claps his hands once, spins around) Whoo!
Jim Halpert
Go get 'em.
Darryl Philbin
(Falls backwards onto the food table) Oh! Whoa!
Dwight Schrute
Very impish.

Scene 40

10 lines
Toby Flenderson
Two dimes, seven nickels--Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and--
Nellie Bertram
Shh. (Puts her finger to Toby's lips)
Toby Flenderson
What? I was just explaining--
Nellie Bertram
Shh.
Toby Flenderson
Why wouldn't it--
Nellie Bertram
(Put her finger to his lips again) Shh.
Toby Flenderson
But why?
Nellie Bertram
No...more...talking.
Toby Flenderson
Are you gonna kiss me?
Nellie Bertram
Yes. (Kisses Toby)