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Season 9 Episode 9
Dwight Christmas

Every line from The Office episode "Dwight Christmas", season 9 episode 9.

Jim Halpert: (Sighs) I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes.
Pam Beesly: I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt.
Jim Halpert: Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?
Jim Halpert: I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.
Jim Halpert: So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word "Philadelphia"?
Dwight Schrute: Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning "Love," and adelph, meaning "Adolf." "the city that loves Adolf." Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.
Erin Hannon: Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone!
Angela Martin: No.
Nellie Bertram: Is It?
Erin Hannon: I mean, it says "X-Mas party," but I think we all know what that's code for.
Kevin Malone: So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us?
Angela Martin: Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee.
Kevin Malone: Well, you are the one in charge of it.
Angela Martin: Don't blame me for something we all forgot.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.
Oscar Martinez: I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points.
Phyllis Vance: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
Meredith Palmer: (Scoffs) We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Nellie Bertram: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes?
Kevin Malone: Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
Dwight Schrute: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim Halpert: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Kevin Malone: No.
Angela Martin: No!
Jim Halpert: Done, right?
Angela Martin: No.
Stanley Hudson: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith Palmer: Topless Christmas.
Creed Bratton: Tapas swiss miss.
Creed Bratton: Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa--What's so hard to understand?
Dwight Schrute: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis Vance: We already said no.
Angela Martin: No, no, no.
Nellie Bertram: Too weird.
Dwight Schrute: (Holds up a picture) This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.
Jim Halpert: I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy?
Angela Martin: (Blows a weak whistle) Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now.
Pam Beesly: I'm on it.
Jim Halpert: Right.
Pete Miller: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.
Erin Hannon: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think--I think you mean John McCain.
Pete Miller: Die hard reference.
Erin Hannon: I haven't seen it.
Pete Miller: You haven't seen die hard?
Erin Hannon: Mm-Mmm.
Pete Miller: Why haven't you seen die hard?
Erin Hannon: I don't know, I just haven't.
Kevin Malone: Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.
Erin Hannon: No.
Kevin Malone: "now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho."
Pete Miller: "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs."
Erin Hannon: None of this makes any sense to me!
Kevin Malone: Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, "Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother--"
Pete Miller: Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans.
Kevin Malone: Yes, you are right. Forgive me.
Pete Miller: Oh, that's okay, bud.
Kevin Malone: Nope. (Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen)
Pete Miller: Common mistake.
Kevin Malone: No, it's not.
Erin Hannon: (Points and Pete) Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?
Pete Miller: My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it.
Erin Hannon: Okay, let's hear it.
Pete Miller: Hear what?
Erin Hannon: Die hard. Every line. Go.
Pete Miller: "You don't like flying, do you?"
Erin Hannon: Don't change the subject.
Pete Miller: No, that's the--
Erin Hannon: Movie is starting.
Jim Halpert: (In Kitchen) We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.
Stanley Hudson: I love Philly. Dirty town.
Darryl Philbin: (Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders) Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man.
Jim Halpert: Whoo!
Darryl Philbin: So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I think so.
Darryl Philbin: Think that through for a sec.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right?
Darryl Philbin: What else could you possibly be forgetting?
Jim Halpert: Uh--
Darryl Philbin: Things? People?
Toby Flenderson: You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison (Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen) for something he may not have done.
Nellie Bertram: I'm sorry, the--Uh, the Scranton who?
Toby Flenderson: The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?
Nellie Bertram: (Gasps) Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.
Toby Flenderson: I--I could--I could talk about it.
Stanley Hudson: (Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her) See you next Christmas.
Toby Flenderson: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.
Pam Beesly: We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us.
Phyllis Vance: Let's do it!
Pam Beesly: Yes! Phyllis!
Angela Martin: No. I don't want my name attached to this party.
Pam Beesly: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?
Angela Martin: Please just take my name off of everything.
Oscar Martinez: Just take her name off of everything.
Pam Beesly: (Clears her throat) The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Yeah! (High Fives Jim) Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! (High Fives Pam) Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!
Pam Beesly: Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously.
Dwight Schrute: Uh-huh.
Pam Beesly: And that is...
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Oh.
Pam Beesly: That there are no rules.
Dwight Schrute: You have never been cooler.
Jim Halpert: Best Christmas ever.
Pam Beesly: You're welcome.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: (Plays a trumpet) And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Meredith Palmer: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Dwight Schrute: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.
Pam Beesly: What is it? (Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork) Don't touch it.
Dwight Schrute: (Comes running up at startles Pam) Somebody's found the hog maw.
Pam Beesly: Oh!
Dwight Schrute: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.
Stanley Hudson: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.
Dwight Schrute: It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.
Jim Halpert: Can't wait.
Meredith Palmer: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Dwight Schrute: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar Martinez: How would anyone even know--
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. Is it what you expected?
Pam Beesly: I feel like (Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office)--Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.
Jim Halpert: So happy right now.
Dwight Schrute: (Speaking German) Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. (Blows out the candle) Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.
Kevin Malone: I wish my car had a bathroom.
Pete Miller: "Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that--"
Erin Hannon: (On a computer, checking the script) Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete.
Pete Miller: That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.
Erin Hannon: I don't know. This looks pretty legit. (Erin's cell phone chimes) Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land.
Erin Hannon: (Reading the email from Andy) "What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates."
Pete Miller: Hey. Everything okay?
Erin Hannon: So what comes next?
Pete Miller: Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, (Pete stands up) "After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--"
Erin Hannon: We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.
Pete Miller: Or we can just sit and talk, though.
Erin Hannon: No. No more talking. It's movie time.
Pete Miller: I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.
Erin Hannon: Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan.
Pete Miller: Okay.
Toby Flenderson: (To Nellie in the kitchen) Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.
Kevin Malone: (With his mouth full) I love this hog mama.
Phyllis Vance: Dwight said it's "Hog maw."
Kevin Malone: (Chokes and spits it out) What is maw?!
Phyllis Vance: It's the lining of the stomach of--
Dwight Schrute: (Cackling) Ohh...(In a German Accent) Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!
Jim Halpert: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight Schrute: I am nigh!
Dwight Schrute: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.
Dwight Schrute: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! (Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick) Ohh...Too much strudel.
Jim Halpert: So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse.
Dwight Schrute: No, much better--No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.
Jim Halpert: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Pam Beesly: And the fear.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, exactly!
Phyllis Vance: Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Oscar Martinez: (Reading from his phone) This is a real thing. "Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany."
Angela Martin: Huh.
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?
Oscar Martinez: (Continues reading) "His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface."
Stanley Hudson: Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. (Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet)
Pete Miller: Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?
Erin Hannon: Mm. (Chuckles)
Darryl Philbin: (Talks drunk angry) Jim, that guy. (Scoffs) You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? (Sighs) It's awful.
Dwight Schrute: Take a bowl and pass it down.
Phyllis Vance: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Dwight Schrute: No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Jim Halpert: Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Dwight Schrute: No, impish or admirable.
Jim Halpert: Quick question--Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Dwight Schrute: I decided earlier.
Jim Halpert: Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Dwight Schrute: Of course I checked it.
Jim Halpert: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Dwight Schrute: I checked it more than once.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's--
Dwight Schrute: Impish or admirable.
Jim Halpert: Damn.
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. (Jim claps) There you are.
Phyllis Vance: (Takes here gift out of her bowl) Oh. What are these?
Dwight Schrute: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Phyllis Vance: I'd rather have the bowl.
Dwight Schrute: You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year (looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar) impish! (Smacks Oscar with a stick)
Oscar Martinez: Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Dwight Schrute: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder (puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl)
Jim Halpert: Ooh.
Pam Beesly: (Holds the mouse trap up) Mouse trap.
Dwight Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.
Jim Halpert: Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
Dwight Schrute: Stop giggling.
Pam Beesly: Oh, really? Already?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, it's all right.
Dwight Schrute: It's a punishment. (Turns to Jim) Hey, where are you going?
Jim Halpert: I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: But you work tomorrow.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.
Dwight Schrute: But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Jim Halpert: Ooh.
Dwight Schrute: Remember?
Jim Halpert: That's right.
Dwight Schrute: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!
Jim Halpert: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?
Jim Halpert: You know what? Yeah. Have at it.
Dwight Schrute: Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! (Jim holds his hands like a bowl) I judge your year as impish. (Hits Jim with stick)
Jim Halpert: Ooh! Are you nuts?
Dwight Schrute: (Hits Jim three more times) I judge you impish!
Jim Halpert: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard.
Dwight Schrute: They're not abandoning the party. (Hit's Jim again)
Jim Halpert: Just--Just--Hey!
Jim Halpert: (As he's walking out) That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh!
Dwight Schrute: (Hits Jim some more) Impish! (Chases Jim out)
Jim Halpert: Aah! Ow!
Meredith Palmer: Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. (Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in)
Jim Halpert: (In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows) Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. (To taxi driver) One second. Oh...
Pam Beesly: Well...this is it.
Jim Halpert: I'm probably never gonna see you again.
Pam Beesly: Shut up. I'm trying to be serious.
Jim Halpert: Okay, sorry, sorry.
Pam Beesly: I can't believe this is actually happening.
Jim Halpert: Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck.
Pam Beesly: Okay. (Jim and Pam hug) Good luck. You're gonna be great.
Jim Halpert: I'll call you when I get in.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Pam Beesly: Love you.
Jim Halpert: Love you.
Pam Beesly: What's going on?
Dwight Schrute: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. (To camera) And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! (Takes off hat and beard)
Phyllis Vance: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.
Angela Martin: Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!
Nellie Bertram: Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting.
Darryl Philbin: Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.
Darryl Philbin: (At Meredtith) Boo!
Pam Beesly: For what it's worth, I liked your party better.
Dwight Schrute: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.
Pam Beesly: I don't think anyone thought that.
Dwight Schrute: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.
Pam Beesly: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.
Dwight Schrute: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Pam Beesly: Zero.
Dwight Schrute: Damn It!
Darryl Philbin: I'm gonna tell Jim to go (Bleep) himself.
Erin Hannon: Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?
Pete Miller: Yeah. Definitely. (Erin starts to cry) Hey, what's--Oh, no, come here. (Starts to put his arm around Erin) Hey, hey. Come on, huh?
Erin Hannon: (Sliding away from Pete) I'm still Andy's girlfriend.
Pete Miller: Oh, yeah, of course. I know.
Erin Hannon: But you can leave your arm.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?
Dwight Schrute: No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.
Jim Halpert: (Walks back into The Office) Yep, I did say that.
Pam Beesly: Jim!
Jim Halpert: What's going on? Where's the belsnickel?
Pam Beesly: Oh--Oh my god!
Jim Halpert: What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.
Dwight Schrute: (Holds his finger to Jim's lips) Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! (High fives Jim)
Pam Beesly: What happened? Did you miss your bus?
Jim Halpert: No. I just missed my wife.(Gives Pam a hug and a kiss)
Dwight Schrute: (Comes back in, holding up the pig rib) I found it!
Jim Halpert: And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m.
Dwight Schrute: Oh! (Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans) Damn It! Jim got the bigger half.
Darryl Philbin: (To himself) Back for more, huh? (Gets up and walks towards Jim)
Jim Halpert: Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. (Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in) Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy?
Darryl Philbin: You!
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey, man. (Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim) Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview.
Darryl Philbin: (Looking at Jim confused) That's great.
Jim Halpert: Right?
Darryl Philbin: Thanks, man.
Jim Halpert: Hey, of course.
Darryl Philbin: I shall come by at your convenience.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, sir. (Tips his glass to Daryl)
Darryl Philbin: (Claps his hands once, spins around) Whoo!
Jim Halpert: Go get 'em.
Darryl Philbin: (Falls backwards onto the food table) Oh! Whoa!
Dwight Schrute: Very impish.
Toby Flenderson: Two dimes, seven nickels--Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and--
Nellie Bertram: Shh. (Puts her finger to Toby's lips)
Toby Flenderson: What? I was just explaining--
Nellie Bertram: Shh.
Toby Flenderson: Why wouldn't it--
Nellie Bertram: (Put her finger to his lips again) Shh.
Toby Flenderson: But why?
Nellie Bertram: No...more...talking.
Toby Flenderson: Are you gonna kiss me?
Nellie Bertram: Yes. (Kisses Toby)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 9 season 9. Dwight Christmas is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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